I wish I could stop being such a problem for everyone. I'm making everyone upset because I can't be normal like other kids. I make Trowa worry, I make Duo upset, and I make Wufei argue with Trowa a lot. I make them pick sides, pick sides against each other, because of me.
Duo's been staying at Heero's house since the teacher lady came. Wufei still comes and teaches me lessons and helps me take care of my plants, but he ignores Trowa when he's here. He never did that before, but now instead of having coffee with Trowa before my lessons he just starts them right away, and leaves right after we finish watering my plants.
Duo doesn't come over a lot anymore either. He comes and picks me up for our pottery lessons, but after he drops me off he goes back to Heero's house. I miss him, and it scares me, because I shouldn't miss anyone but Trowa.
I miss Trowa too. I miss him being happy, and I hate myself for making him have to be sad. If I were just normal, like other people, I wouldn't make him sad. If I weren't afraid of being without him, I wouldn't make going to school such a big deal.
I try to not be such a problem. I stay in my room when I am not doing anything Trowa asks me to, having lessons, or going to class with Duo. Miss Clara asked me last week if everything was okay, and I lied. I told her nothing was wrong. Nick asked me the same thing during our time yesterday, and I lied to him too. I said nothing is different, that we are all happy.
Everything's wrong though, and it's my fault.
"Why are you so against this?"
Duo's fighting with Trowa again. They aren't speaking Japanese either, so I can understand their words, and it hurts. No one else is here either, so I can't pretend to ignore them like I did when the others were in my room with me that night.
I don't hear what Trowa's saying, but I can guess his words from Duo's yelling. I'm too weak to go by myself. Trowa thinks I can't do it. Trowa's right, because Trowa cannot be wrong. It's impossible. Duo and Wufei are wrong to think I can do this, that I can do anything without Trowa.
I'm nothing without Trowa. Don't they understand that? Without Trowa, I'm just Boy.
Even then, without Trowa I couldn't go back to being Boy. Boy is who I was with Uncle and Aunt. I don't even have them anymore. Without Trowa, I'm nobody. Nameless. Worthless.
The only person I can become, without Trowa, is Tom. Tom becomes Mylord, when he grows up. And I don't want to be Tom. I want to be anyone but Tom.
I can't live without Trowa. So I will do whatever he asks me to.
Trowa's in the kitchen. I can hear him from my room, moving around and cooking something. I don't know what, but it smells familiar. Duo's not here, he hasn't been here in a while now. It's Saturday, so Wufei isn't coming either.
I am trying to make it so I don't have to go to the weird school. If I can control my freakyness, then I don't need to go, right? If I stop making things explode, I will stop being a problem, and everyone can be happy again. I don't want to upset Trowa though by being weird on purpose, so I'm practicing on my plants.
I don't think it's working though. I'm trying to make good things happen instead of bad, but my plants are looking bad now and I think it's my fault. I try to think good thoughts, and make good feelings go out of my head instead of the bad ones that make things blow up, but I don't see good things happening. I get a lot of pain in my head, and it doesn't feel like happiness at all.
I'm staring hard at the pot in my hands, the little leafy plant inside not doing anything that I want it to. I want it to get bigger, and I'm wishing hard for it to get bigger, but it's not happening. I don't feel that same thing that I did when I was angry and made the lights blow up.
A soft knock at my door startles me, the ceramic pot cracking from my surprise. I look up at the door, setting the pot down behind another one so that Trowa doesn't see it. I don't know what he'll do if he knows I'm doing freaky stuff, and I don't want to find out.
"C-come in," I call out, realizing he's waiting for me to say that. The door opens, and I find myself relaxing as I see him. It doesn't matter what it is, or what he's doing, but I always feel calmer when I see him. But right now, I try to not see him much because then he can see me. And I'm making everything bad right now.
"Breakfast is ready," he tells me, and I stand up off the floor. I put my drawing pad and pencils back into their little box, which I then put into my closet. Wufei and Duo got me lots of little boxes to put my things away in, and I've been much happier with not having them all over my room.
Trowa's hand is resting on my back as we walk to the table to eat. I recognize the food on the table, even though I've only eaten it once before. It's the lumpy stuff from my first day with Trowa, with the milk, sugar, and honey on there too. There's a lot of it in my bowl, not like when I first ate it. I know I couldn't have eaten this much when I first came. Now I can, because of Trowa.
"What is this called?" I ask him, sitting down in my seat. I don't feel nervous about sitting at the table anymore, because I know I can. Trowa wants me to, because it's normal to sit at a table to eat unless it's a special day. Then we can eat in the living room. Or if we're watching a movie, we can eat snacks in the living room. Like normal people do.
"It's called oatmeal," he says, sitting down in his seat.
"I like oatmeal," I decide, putting some of the honey and milk into my bowl. Just like Trowa is.
"Ah. Why?"
"Because you made it," I reply simply, and it's a good enough reason for me. Trowa doesn't say anything, but he doesn't need to.
I'm hiding in my room. Duo came inside after pottery class to get some clothes and starting fighting with Trowa again. I wish they could stop fighting and get along again, I miss them both being here.
My hands are over my ears, my eyes tightly squeezed shut and my face pressed into my knees from where I'm curled up in the corner.
I don't want to be here! I don't want to be here! I think desperately, my panic building as Duo's voice gets louder. I don't want to be here!
I feel my chest getting heavy, my arms and legs trembling, and my ears pop loudly, making my head hurt. I feel like I'm going to throw up, but I bite my lip and try not to. I don't want to clean it up. I hear a crash, and a hand rests on my shoulder right after.
"David?"
I look up, startled. That isn't Trowa's voice. It isn't Duo's voice.
It's Heero's.
When did he get here? I wonder, but when I look around, it's not my room. I've never seen this room before. It's not in Trowa's house, that is all I know. But I'm with Heero, and I know that too. I just don't know where Heero is. I don't know where I am.
"David!"
I blink, focusing on Heero again. He's crouched in front of me, his hand hovering over my shoulder. The room's moving, and I give into the feeling in my stomach, leaning forward and throwing up. Heero moves back out of my way, standing up quickly and going out of the room. I throw up again.
When I stop throwing up, Heero comes back with a couple towels. One of them is wet, and he cleans up my mess. I just let myself fall over onto my side, watching him silently. I don't know what's going on, but it hurts to think right now.
"I don't know how you got here, but I want to let Trowa know. Do you want me to call him?"
I just stare at him, but he only stares back. I wonder, absently, what Heero will do if I never answer. Will he keep staring, or give up and do what he wants? I don't know Heero that well, so I don't know which one he would do. He's still staring at me.
Don't you have something else to do? I ask rudely, though not out loud. I couldn't ever say that to Heero out loud. Ever.
"I'm going to let him know you are here; if you don't like that idea, let me know now."
"...No."
"Elaborate," Heero demands, and I stare blankly at him. I don't know what that word means, so I can't listen to him.
"'No, don't call him,' or 'No, I don't care?'" Heero says, and I frown. That makes more sense, is that what it means to 'elaborate?'
"Don't call," I repeat. "He busy right now." I wish I could tell what he's thinking; his face is always the same no matter what I say to him. Trowa's like that, but I know what Trowa's thinking a lot. I don't know what Heero's thinking though.
"What is he doing?"
"Yelling with Duo," I mumble, rolling onto my side. I blink as Heero snorts, standing up from where he was crouching. He picks up the dirty towels, leaving the room again. I can hear him talking though, and I can't help but smile as I hear his words.
"I will call him later then, after he's done."
"Okay," I whisper, closing my eyes. I feel really tired.
"He just appeared out of thin air?"
"I don't know how, but yes."
"Fuckin' hell."
I open my eyes, seeing the dark room. I feel fear first when I don't recognize the room, but after a few moments I remember I am with Heero right now. I fell asleep with Heero, and I must still be there. Looking around from where I am laying down, I'm right where I went to sleep at. Though there's a pillow under my head, and a blanket on my legs, which were not there when I went to sleep.
"Trowa freaked out, man," I hear Duo say. His voice is sadder than I've ever heard it. "We heard somethin' breaking, and when we got to Davy's room he was gone, all the planters in his room broken t'bits. Thought he ran 'way, yanno?"
"Then you should probably stop fighting so much where he can hear you. He had me delay my notice to you about his appearance here as you two were 'still busy yelling.'"
"Look, I don't wanna fight with him! But 'til he gets it through his fat head tha' I'm not tryin' t'get b'tween him an' his kid, I can' jus' ignore'im insultin' me twenty-four-seven!"
"Have you told him that? Or just yelled 'fuck you' back at him instead?"
"Eh..."
"Figures. No wonder you're not getting anywhere."
"Well, fuck you too, buddy."
I laugh, and I see Duo's head poke out from the top of the sofa, his eyes looking black in the dark light. I can see his relief though, and I smile at him.
"You said the bad word again," I tell him, rolling onto my side so I can see him better. He sticks his tongue out at me, moving so that his arms are crossed over the back of the sofa. I don't see Heero, but he must be over on the other side with Duo.
"I say a lot of bad words, so be specific, kiddo- oww!" Duo glances behind him, frowning, before looking back at me.
"Er, okay, don't be specific then. How ya feelin' Davy?"
"M'tired," I yawn, cuddling my blanket to my chest. "M'tired of you not being home. When are you coming home?"
"When Trowa stops being a- God damn it man!" Duo snaps, glaring again behind him.
"Watch your language," I hear Heero say, his voice the same as when he was talking to me. He doesn't sound mad, but he's still hitting Duo. I don't get him.
"Well, come home. Stop yelling at Trowa. Make Trowa happy again," I order, frowning at Duo. "Make things normal again."
"S'easier said than done, bucko," Duo chides, resting his head down on his arms. His braid slides forward, dangling over the back of the sofa and brushing against the floor. My hand twitches, wanting to reach out and grab it and make it stop swaying.
"Why? Why can't you just come home? I... I miss you."
"I miss you too. But right now, Trowa and I aren't getting along. You hear us fighting now, we would be doing that much more."
"Or you get tired and give up, and go back to being happy again," I snap back moodily, "you did that before too."
"But we're not fighting about something small."
"No, you're fighting about me."
Duo opens his mouth, closes it, and opens it again before sighing, closing his eyes.
"It's not your fault, David."
"Yes it is! I can't be normal like other kids, and I'm making problems again! It's why Aunt was always mad at me! I'm making you two fight like Aunt and Uncle did!"
And Uncle got rid of me, to make the fighting stop. Which one of you will do that?
"David, stop it. What we're fighting about has much more to do with Trowa than it does with you. Yes, a little has to do with you, but it's not about you. I want you to be able to do things, and so does Trowa. We don't agree on how to do it though, and that's why we're fighting. It is not your fault. Get it?"
No. "Yeah," I mutter, rolling to bury my face into my pillow.
Duo calls my name, but I ignore him. I'm done talking to him, and he seems to figure that out after a few tries. I hear him tell Heero he's going to go call Trowa to pick me up. I close my eyes, letting the pillow hide my tears.
Wufei brought me new pots for my plants, along with new seeds and new dirt. The pots in my room all broke, and the plants inside died. I didn't say anything, though I did help him clean up the old mess and make the new plants. I haven't said anything out loud since I came home. I'm not saying anything until Trowa and Duo stop yelling at each other, and Duo comes back home.
Today is my day I meet with Nick. I don't plan on talking to him either. I don't want to talk to anyone anymore. I make things bad when I talk, so I shouldn't do it anymore. Aunt and Uncle hated me talking, and I don't want to make Trowa and Duo any more mad than they are right now.
When it's close to the time we have to go to get to Nick's office, I hear a knock on my door. But it's not Trowa's knock, it's too loud. I stare at the door, waiting for whoever is knocking to just open it or go away. When it opens, it's Duo who's poking his head in, not Trowa. I don't hear Trowa at all.
"Come on Davy, I'm takin' ya today."
I slip off my bed, not having to put anything away since I wasn't doing anything. I slide on my shoes at the front door, and get into Trowa's car, with Duo driving instead of Trowa. I didn't see Trowa on the way out, and I look over at Duo, a frown on my face. He shrugs, guessing my question.
"He's seeing his own doc' today."
Trowa isn't supposed to see his doctor person today. He does that earlier in the week, he did that earlier this week already. Why is he back then today? Is he sick? Did I make him sick?
"Don't worry 'bout it, 'kay? He's tryin' ta get his head back on right."
That doesn't make me feel any better, but I don't tell him that. I don't tell him anything.
The drive to Nick's office doesn't take long, but it feels like it does. Duo doesn't say anything on the drive there, and he doesn't turn on the radio like he does when he's with me and Trowa in the car. He doesn't say anything when we get to Nick's office, and the nice desk lady waves at me when we enter. I don't wave back.
Duo goes up to her though, as I find my way over to one of the chairs in the back. I curl my legs up under me, squishing myself into the seat tightly. I can't hear him, but he is talking to the nice desk lady, who nods and picks up the phone at her desk, talking into it a little after she does. She hangs it up and gives Duo a nod, and Duo moves to come sit next to me.
"I'm gonna go talk to Nick first, okay kiddo? Then you can go talk to him after."
I just glance at him, looking away again to follow the lines on the carpet. They're all twirly, and it makes me dizzy trying to figure out where one starts and the other ends. I hear Duo get up after a little, but I don't look up at him. I just watch the floor, and the lines. When a hand brushes along my shoulder, I jump, my head shooting up. It's just Duo though, a smile on his face.
"Your turn! I'll be out here when you're done."
I get up, looking to see where Nick is at. He's over by the desk lady, watching me. I move towards him, but out of touching distance. He turns and walks towards the room we meet in each time, letting me go in first like normal. I do my usual check of the room before taking a spot in the corner, hugging a stuffed bear to my chest. Nick sits on the bean bag chair, his notebook resting on the floor next to him.
"Duo's very worried about you," Nick starts, and I just stare blankly at him. I don't know where he's going with it, or what he expects me to say. But I'm not saying anything, I promised myself I wouldn't.
"You've been talking for less than a year, he doesn't want you to forget how to do that, or be afraid to do that. He told me how he and Trowa have been fighting for a few weeks now. You never mentioned that to me."
I don't move, my throat feeling tight.
"What's going on, David?"
I'm ruining everything again. I'm making them sad. I'm making a new Aunt and Uncle.
"Would you rather write, if you don't wish to talk?"
I think about it for a moment, before shaking my head. I don't want to talk to Nick, I don't want to talk to anyone, and I don't want to write about it either.
"Duo told me what you said to him, about your aunt and uncle. Will you listen to what I think?"
Do I have a choice?
"I think this is very different. Your aunt did not care about your well being, and when she and your uncle fought, I imagine you were one of the things they fought about?"
I don't nod or shake my head, but Nick doesn't seem to notice.
"Trowa and Duo are fighting now too, and it started after your invitation to a special school. Trowa doesn't want to push you too far too quickly, where Duo thinks you should go because you can handle it. They are fighting about how to best help you, David. That sounds very different than your aunt and uncle. While I don't think their fighting is a good thing, it isn't your fault."
I don't say anything, instead staring at my bear. It looks like Mylord, but I don't let it go. It's not going to do anything bad. I'm already doing that.
"David, come out here," I hear Trowa say, and it isn't a question. I do as he says, moving to stand in front of him, my head down. I had to leave Nick's office early because I didn't say anything. I think I made Nick mad at me. I don't know, but I think I did.
"Sit down," Trowa orders, and I move to where he is pointing. When I'm sitting, my hands folded in my lap and my head down, I feel him sit next to me, his leg right next to mine. His arm moves around my shoulder, hugging me to him. I lean into him, tears building in my eyes. I haven't touched him since that morning we ate oatmeal; I haven't hugged him since before the school lady came.
"I'm sorry," he whispers, and I feel his breath moving my hair. His face is buried in it, and he pulls me onto his lap, squeezing me. "I'm so sorry."
I hug him back, letting my tears come out and taking a sharp breath when my chest starts to hurt from holding it.
"I didn't mean to hurt you, David. I didn't mean to. I'm so sorry."
"...My fault," I remind him, but he shakes his head.
"No, it's mine. I got scared, and I hurt you inside. I hurt Duo too, and my friends. But I hurt you the most. I left you alone."
"Deserve it," I tell him, and his grip on me tightens.
"You don't deserve my anger, you never deserve it. You've done nothing wrong."
"Freak," I whisper, leaning back and pointing at my chest, wondering if he forgot about that.
"Don't call yourself that. You aren't a freak."
"Uh-huh. If I no blow up things, I no need to go." Trowa chuckles, wiping at my face. I feel my tears smear across my cheek, making my ear wet.
"It's not that simple, no matter how much it should be."
"Why not?"
"Because it's so much more than just 'blowing up' things. You could do so many wonderful things with your magic, things we can't even think of right now. You might even make Duo's world turn upside down if you learned to explode things on purpose," he teases, grinning down at me. I smile back, laughing at the thought. Duo always wants to see me blow things up. It would make him happy if I did it on purpose.
"Do you want me to go?" I ask him, reaching out and touching his cheek, my fingers brushing right under his eye. He closes them for a little, before opening them again and looking at me.
"Yes. I want you to go and learn."
"Then I'll go," I reply, nodding. If Trowa wants me to, then I will. Which makes me happy, because I sort-of want to go too.
A/N – Thanks to Haytang and TCM for being awesome last chapter! And Ro, for making this readable for you guys! Some of you are all for Harry going, and some of you aren't. Amazing, how different all my readers can be :D I love you guys!
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