Charlie the Drunk Guinea Pig
"Wish me luck." I said as Ian raised me up the opening he cut through the pipe. My stubby toes felt the mushy inside of the drainage system, the mixed smell of poop and piss stank and the smell was too strong for my honker. I returned back to the opening, "Can you give me a nose clip? I think I may not make it alive up there." I choked.
"Oh, I forgot." Ian dug his hand in his pocket, then clipped my nostrils.
"Thanks." I said and began crawling deeper into the tunnel, the light on my head shone on the walls, brownish green masses stuck on the surface.
"Now this is what I call a shitstorm." I crawled into the dark straight pipe that seemed endless, filled with sludge all around with my bare toes sinking deep into them.
The pipe became narrower, my fur brushed against the walls and to make matters worse, I have a slight fear of closed spaces, being trapped in one gives me panic attacks as I would always imagine the walls closing in and squeezing the air outta me.
"U-uh I-Ian?" I stopped crawling, the size of the pipe only big enough to fit me inside.
"Yeah, buddy?" Ian's voice came from the headset clipped to my ear.
"The pipe became smaller and you know I'm scared of tight spaces." I whimpered.
"Oh shit." He said, "Just remain calm, you can do this."
"I-I don't th-think I can." My mind began playing tricks on me and the walls of the pipe seemed to close in, "Help, l-let me out." I whimpered.
"You can do this." Ian said.
I gasped for air, my claustrophobia is making me want to freak out and retreat, "Please, l-let m-me out, I-I can't do this." I cried, in any second I would scamper back to the opening, but there's something pushing me to continue.
"Don't panic," Billy's voice came from the earpiece, "Just imagine you're not crawling through a deep and dark pipe that could possibly get even smaller and get you stuck and could never get you out."
"THAT'S NOT FUCKING HELPING!" I bellowed.
"I believe you can do it." Ian said.
"I-I don't know."
"Listen, you are the bravest guinea pig an owner could have, and I'm glad to have found you in that dumpster, even though you've been a pain in the ass but I believe you can do this, do this for the guys." He calmly said, "—you even killed the landlord dozens of times."
"H-help me." I pled, my entire body shaking and the beam of my flashlight also shook violently. At the far end of the pipe, it stopped going horizontal but started going upwards, it was a full vertical shaft.
"You're our only hope in saving the others." Ian said, his tone became soft as if to convince me.
"I-I c-can't."
Ian sighed, "You know what? If you get this job done, I'll give you a week's supply of booze."
There, he said the five letter magic word.
My ears moved, "Say what?" I asked him to repeat, I could be hearing things.
"I said I'll give you booze." He repeated.
"BOOZE?!"
"Yeah." He replied.
I shook my head then started walking again, "Alloy Digital, here I come!" I pushed forwards.
"Good boy!" Ian and Billy exclaimed.
The damp pipe became vertical, leading upwards where a clean white object blocked my entry point. "The pipe now leads vertical, if only I have opposable thumbs." I said.
"There's a little grappling hook in your hat, I've figured you might use it." Ian said.
"There is?" I tapped my hat on the ceiling and suddenly, a little three-pronged grappling hook emerged from the side, "Awesome hat." I remarked, looking upwards then pressing a tiny button on my hat, shooting a length of rope upwards.
"C'mon!" I watched the hook travel up the shaft; the hook caught an edge, right next to the end of the tunnel.
"Oh yeah!" I bellowed, "Going up!" I said to the guys back outside.
"Great!" Ian said, "I knew we could count on you!"
"YAAAAY!" Billy cheered. I pressed another button and the machine inside my hat began pulling the rope back in and pulling me upwards, up the damp, dirty and shitty pipe. But the way up there was really slow.
"Can't this go any faster?" I pressed another button and I was pulled at a fast rate, my body whiplashing upon the powerful tug.
"TOO FAST! TOO FAST!" I shrieked, reaching out for another button and a sound of electronic malfunction came from it... This is bad.
"OH SHIIIIITTT!" The end of the pipe drew closer, its image became bigger and bigger, my fur collecting as many sludge on the sides as I was rapidly pulled up, any moment I was gonna hit. I just prepared for it, closing my eyes and waiting for my head to clash against the thing blocking my way.
I screamed my lungs out, but there was no crash and I was only thrown upwards, my foot felt a flat surface instead of the 90-degree sheer drop before.
"Am I dead?" I said before opening my eyes finding out that I landed on a curved white circular tunnel that was connected to the other pipe's end. I tapped my foot on its surface and it was made of porcelain. Right in front of me was light, I'm nearly there.
"Charlie? Charlie?! Are you alright?!" Ian's voice came from the mini headset clipped to my ear, "What happened? We lost the video feed from your helmet."
"I'm alright, just a little helmet malfunction but I'm nearly inside, there's an opening in front of me leading upwards again." I replied.
"Good, good, you're almost there." I removed the hook that was still stuck on the edge then retracted it back into my hat.
"Here I go." I resumed crawling, the light in front of me curved upwards, then curved horizontally again, forming a C shape. I reached out to the upper level then got up with little effort and there in front of me was the exit to this scary passageway.
I was relieved, the ordeal is almost over. I hurriedly crawled into the opening as the blinding light entered my eyes, making me shut them close again. I took off my nose clip and breathed in the clean air but it wasn't really pleasant and the smell of air was familiar, it's like I've been in this place before, the familiar smell of chlorine, soap, and stale urine.
I realized that I was standing at the bottom of a toilet, the oval porcelain rim with little holes underneath them to flush down crap and the round plastic toilet seat sitting on top of it.
"Shiiiiit, this is fucking nasty." I cringed then climbed off the toilet, jumping on the cold tiled floor. My head peeped outside the stall, checking if the coast is clear and luckily, it was.
I crawled outside and in front of me was the tiled sink of the restroom with a big mirror glued to the wall mirroring the stalls. I searched for any little vents but there were none, my next option was to look for a door and there it was to my right, slightly opened and enough for one drunk guinea pig to go through. I quickly went to the door, but noticing that there were no signs of urinals inside the restroom.
"Looks like this isn't the gents' room," I reported to the guys back in the sewer, "—next time I'll go through that way when there are hot babes using the loo." I smirked then got out of the room.
"You little pervert, next time bring a camera and take pictures." Ian chuckled.
I went out of the restroom and found myself in a corridor leading to a larger room. I got out of the passageway and was now standing in the main lobby of the building: at the center of the huge place was a pond and at the middle of it was where the huge chrome-painted metal letters bearing the words 'ALLOY DIGITAL' rested, dimly lit by the spotlights coming from the floor. There were no fountains as of now since the place was closed for the night.
"I'm at the main lobby." I whispered into the headset.
"Okay, now Sgt. Anous said that the control room is just on the same floor, at the far east of the building." Billy instructed.
"Watch out for guys in black." Ian warned.
"I will." I went to the right of the lobby, circling the place but cautiously treading to not make a sound. Around the corner was the main door where three figures stood, two tall guys and a short dude. All three were armed with guns, guarding the main entrance.
"I wonder what the boss will do to those Smosh guys." One of the tall dudes spoke up.
"I dunno, probably gonna keep them captive for the rest of their lives." The short one replied.
"Cool."
I silently crawled behind the main counter near the main doors, still eavesdropping on the three men.
"I overheard that the boss will use them to build an army." The other tall guy said.
"'An army'?" Ian whispered from the headset, "An army for what?"
"What Army?" The goon asked.
"I'm not sure, but it's a rumor that everyone in this building had been talking about lately, says that it's top secret but it's just a rumor." He laughed.
"Or is it?" The other goon added.
"I have a bad feeling about this." I whispered while crawling to the other wall and safely hiding from the goons' view, I looked back at them to make sure I had gone unnoticed and thankfully I managed to get past them discreetly.
"I better hurry before I—" I bumped onto a tall wooden circular table, causing it to go off balance and tip to one side, knocking over the vase sitting on it.
SMASH! The vase shattered.
"What was that?" A goon said.
"It came from over here." Footsteps soon approached where I was standing along with beams of flashlights. I scampered away from the incoming men, going around the corner and narrowly escaping them. I checked back at the guys investigating the vase, all three were crouched down next to it.
"Must've been a rat." One said.
"Don't worry, Sparky will take care of it." Another scoffed, "The pesky rat will be dead meat in no time."
I backed away from the corner then continued my way to the control room, only to bump into another table, "Damn it, please no more vases." I said.
Then a drop of warm liquid fell on my nose, but it wasn't water, it was sticky and thick. In front of me also wasn't a wooden table, but a pair of thick meaty paws covered in black fur. My eyes slowly made its way up the meaty thigh spotting a shiny collar around its neck with a little yellow diamond shaped tag at the center with a word engraved on it:
'SPARKY'
"S-so, you must be Sparky." I trembled as my eyes met his, the bloodshot eyes, the scary bulldog face and foamy mouth.Run Charlie, Run.
"U-Uh, I-I guess I-I should be going now, n-nice t-to meet y-you, S-Sparky." I stuttered then ran as fast as I can away from the dog. Sparky began barking then gave chase, running after me as his loud barks echoed inside the lobby. I kept running, my heart was pounding out of my chest as I felt the dog catching up, his growls became louder.
"What the hell did I get myself into?!" I went into the mini store just beside the main lobby, bursting through the door then crawling under a table, but the dog just tipped it over and continued to go after me. I don't know how long I can keep running, this was tiring me out.
In a strike of luck, there was a little stepladder beside the cashier counter. I made no second choices and quickly jumped on top of it then climbing on the counter filled with boxes nearly being bitten by the dog. His barks continued as he tried reaching for me on the table, jumping up and down.
Right outside the store were beams of light approaching the door. I searched the table, opening the boxes resting on top by ripping off their tapes. I opened one and inside it was just folded stacks of Smosh t-shirts, I tried another one and this time it was filled with ladies' thongs.
"Why the hell would Smosh need these?!" I spoke to the headset.
"Uh, no reason." Ian sheepishly replied.
"But I want one." I got one and set it aside then checked the third box that had a lot of Charlie plush toys.
"Perfect." I got one and rolled it over to the edge, "Here, Sparky." I pushed the toy off the edge and it fell into the dog's mouth. Sparky lashed the toy around as wild as possible, ripping the seams and exposing the cotton stuffing.
"Jeez, that could've been me." I watched in horror as the doll was torn to shreds, mangled beyond recognition. I went down the ladder and quietly snuck around Sparky and his toy, making it to the door where the goons will be coming in sooner.
The three dudes barged through the double doors, giving me a way to escape; I ran outside the cafeteria and ended up back in the lobby.
"That was a close one." I gasped for air, "Where's the control room again?"
"Beside the elevators, there should be a small hallway that leads to the restrooms and the control room's just up a couple of stairs just beside the ladies'." Billy replied.
"W-wait, there's only one restroom in here, and that's where I came from." I realized.
"That's the place!" Billy exclaimed.
"But I thought it was on the FAR EAST of the building?" I became confused.
"Yeah, Far East? The other side of east, the one directly opposite it?"Billy stated.
"You mean WEST?" I sighed.
"Yeah! West! I keep forgetting the name!"
"You mean I circled the lobby and got chased by a dog for nothing?!" I was furious.
"Ooohhhh..." That's what all he could say.
"Nevermind, I'm going there." I shook my head in disbelief. Billy you dumb moron.
I returned in front of the ladies' restroom door, and took a little walk to the right that led me to flight of stairs where a plain white door was with no label. I climbed up and pushed the door open: the place was dark, lit only by a number of TV screens hanging on the wall and where a goon was sitting on a soft office chair, inclined backwards with both feet on the table and mouth wide open, letting out a snore.
"Wow, so this is what they call 'maximum security'." I rolled my eyes, making it to the main CPU and plugging in the green flash drive Ian gave me earlier. I radioed them in, "It's done, let's get a move on, poofs!"