Hey! Yeah, up again; for some reason I couldn't rest, I don't know why so here's the new chapter of 'Love the Way You Lie'! Thank you again to my sister BB and my brother Kames all the way! I'm glad I got such excited reactions from both of you; you two seem to be connected mentally or something, since both got a suspicious vibe from Logan. I will say this, he will not enjoy Kendall and James' budding relationship since he's still in love with James but in the end James is the one who will choose. Who will he go with: Kendall, who has been there for him for so long? Or Logan, who was once his first love? Now while that question is important, it has nothing to do with this chapter. In this chapter, while James meets Kendall's mom and baby sister for the first time and gets acquainted with his new, temporary home, there is a question that ties to this chapter and the next one: James, will he spend the first night of freedom alright? Or will Shane haunt his brother even in his dreams? Well, I want to dedicate this chapter to BB and Kames all the way. BB, thank you so much for supporting this story; I know you're not as big of a fan of BTR as I am, but it really makes me smile to know you love me enough to critique and help me improve my work. I love you, sis. And to you too, brother dearest. I just love reading your reactions and how into the story you are, but also the encouragement you give me. I hope you know by now how much I appreciate you as a person and my friend. This is for you. :) Enjoy! Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush! I just love writing fan fiction about them! They are my greatest inspiration!
"Jamie...hey Jay, wake up sleepy-head."
James groaned, hazel-green eyes fluttering open as he pulled the thick, dark green blanket off his head. He groaned again at feeling how stiff his neck had gotten from sleeping against the car door, using one hand to rub Sandman's sand out of his eyes.
He blinked once, twice before his vision cleared; a softly smiling Kendall Knight greeted him, he unable to not give him a small smile back.
Even though James didn't like it when people touched him, especially around the waist, he didn't feel as uncomfortable around Kendall surprisingly. It must have been the fact that he got to him a little better from last night; he was now not a complete stranger to the brunette.
'That, or the only male I'll ever hate for touching me is Shay...' James added with a mental sigh. A wince left him at the thought of his twin brother, now rotting away and angry in police custody, but he managed to cover it up when he ran a hand through his tousled hair.
"Hmm, h-hello." He said, forcing himself to talk.
To his ears, his voice sounded broken. It was low and scratchy, nothing like it use to be. He knew talking while in voice therapy yet would further strain his paralyzed vocal cords, but he was sick and tired having to communicate through looks and gestures.
Kendall frowned though. "Jay, you shouldn't force yourself there. I don't want you to strain yourself by trying to talk." He said, though the brunette gave him an eye-roll.
"I haven't talked in a year, Ken. I think saying a few words won't kill my voice that much." He pointed out, rubbing his neck; he traced the barely there scar across his Adam's apple, and winced again.
"Still, it's not safe. You can try whispering or keep writing things down, but please don't strain yourself." Kendall repeated. James sighed, knowing the stubborn blonde wouldn't stop until he agreed to listen to him.
"Okay, okay I won't. Just so you don't worry, I'll whisper instead; now, where am I?" James noticing he wasn't all stretched out across the back seats of his aunt's mini-van but a long, L-shaped couch in a bright, almost neon orange color.
He looked around and saw another couch, this one smaller and a dark red, followed by a coffee table in front of a big screen television and DVD set. There was a large window to the right, closed with the heater on high and curtains in an pale olive green.
They weren't sitting in the back seats of Kelly's mini-van, but on the L-shaped couch in a small, tasteful living room.
Kendall smiled at the curiosity in the other's eyes, pulling off his beanie to comb back his messy dirty blonde hair. "This, my friend, is the living room of your new home. I tried to wake you when we finally got here but you were out like a light so Kelly carried you inside while I unloaded your wheelchair and crutches from the mini-van. From there she let you sleep here on the couch while she and my mom are making you something safe to eat; my sister fluffed the pillows under your leg and pulled this blanket over you so you wouldn't get cold. Kelly had me leave your crutches in your new room." He explained, slowly so not to overwhelm the brunette.
James bit his lower lip, a little uneasy now. He's never slept so deeply before, only when he took the sleeping pills to cushion the mental and physical stings of Shane raping him. He must have been more drained than he realized...
"I guess the painkillers Camille gave me this morning were more effective than I thought." He said, noticing he wasn't feeling a painful throb coming from his leg.
"That's good though; you needed sleep, Jay. Your body's been through so much, it will need a lot of rest to recover completely."
"I know, Ken. Now did I hear right just now, that your mom and sister are here?" James asked, noticing now that a nice, big Christmas tree and millions of lights and ornaments were hanging everywhere. There were also stockings hanging over the empty fireplace, and several giant snowmen and teddy bears with hats were by the front door.
Kendall blushed, of what James couldn't tell, and he rubbed the back of his neck with a sheepish smile on. "Umm yeah, they are. When Kelly told me about you being released from the hospital today, they kind of overheard me on the phone and insisted on helping Kelly throw a little house-warming party for you, just them and me and you and Kelly. Look I'm sorry about this; it's hard to convince my mom out of something she's set her mind completely on. She's been wanting to meet you for a while now and help you in any way she can. She and Katie don't know about...you know, Shane but they know you got into a car accident and just got out of surgery. It was the only thing I told them, I swear; it was the only thing I deemed appropriate to tell them." Kendall said, expecting James to get angry for letting his sister and mom know about him.
Instead, he got an uncharacteristically shy expression crossing James' face. "A-and did they...like me?" He asked, face now red like Kendall's had been a few minutes ago.
"Wait, what?"
"I said, did they like m-me?" James said again, though in a louder whisper this time around.
"O-okay, I was here worrying about how you'd take to having more strangers around you, and the first thing you're worried about is if they don't approve of you?" Kendall asked, unable to stop the smirk pulling at his lips.
James shot him a light glare. "Well they're women, not men. My rapist was male, my brother; I don't feel too confident in myself right to be around other guys, I don't know how I'm so comfortable with you but it is how it is and I won't complain. I may feel a little edgy around Auntie, but I'm not exactly scared. Second, I may not be the same James I use to be...but I still care about what people think of me. That's one insecurity that has stayed with me all my life, no matter how hard I tried to get rid of it..." He said, tone suddenly filled acid.
Kendall frowned again and sighed, eyes apologetic. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound so insensitive. I just don't know why you're worried about them not liking you, because they do."
"How can they already like someone they barely even know?" James asked, feeling frustration well up inside him.
Kendall hesitated for a few minutes before he reached out and took James' hand in his. James bit his lower lip at the contact, resisting the urge to lash at the blonde, before his eyes, golden-brown in a mixture of confusion and anger, met Kendall's bright bottle green ones.
"I'm just getting to know you, James, and I already see you like a best friend. Sometimes time, like age, is but a number; it's the bond that counts, and if it grows stronger or not is up to you." Kendall said, facial expression serious.
James wanted to slap him; he wanted to scream, shout and demand why the blonde was so fucking nice to him when life itself has been nothing but a sassy, disastrous son of a bitch to him his whole short life. He wanted to know why it took so long for fate to cut him some slack, give him some peace of mind. He wanted to know why the hell destiny decided now was the time he had a friend.
'Why the hell did I had to go through Hell and back for the last four years before I could get some damn closure?!' James growled in his head, anger leaving him shortly afterwards when he saw the tender look in the blonde's eyes.
In his eyes there was no frustration with the brunette and his mood swings; in his eyes there was no loss of patience or lack of understanding at the other's confusion.
James didn't know this yet, but Kendall has had experience with helping someone recover from abuse. His mom had acted the same way with him and Katie, back when their dad was still around beating and humiliating her. She never hit her children, nothing of the sort, but she did lash out verbally from time-to-time. Jennifer Knight always apologized for those episodes and her children never held it against her. After all, a battered woman or person in general has no fault for their sudden panicky reactions; it was sadly a side effect of being physically, mentally and even sexually abused for a long time.
Kendall knew about the complex, unstable minds of those who have just come out of a bad situation like the one James has left behind. He may not have had to go through it himself like James or his own mom did, but sometimes all someone had to do to feel the pain, the immense agony behind the mask being worn was to look into their eyes.
And James' eyes told him, told him that he really didn't know how to show love to others and how to let himself be loved; he didn't know how to be loved the right way, not with forced kisses and brutal slaps to the face. He didn't know how to be loved without being screamed at, without being manipulated into doing something he didn't want. He had no idea what love was suppose to be like.
He...he, James, didn't know what the word 'Love' meant anymore.
Kendall was snapped out of his train of thought when he saw light tears flooding James' eyes now, which had turned a dark green, almost red, in guilt. "K-Ken, I'm sorry. I just...I'm just not use to being cared for, okay? For the last four years, all I've had for 'love' were slaps, bites, and broken glass. I'm use to being abused, that it's like...I can't live without it. Ugh, I sound sick, like I'm a masochist."
"No, no you don't James. People who've been abused for a long time get use to it, I don't know how or why but they do; they get use to being hurt, they believe it when their abusers say it's their fault, they take all that crap but that doesn't mean you're sick in the head or a masochist. You just need a little help getting yourself back together; everyone needs that sometimes, help to get their heads cleared and lives back on track. The fact that you need help doesn't make you messed up, or completely broken. Besides, you're not alone in this; I'm here, no matter what comes around the corner." Kendall said, squeezing James' hand in his.
James looks down at their locked fingers, face looking shocked beyond all belief.
"Jay?"
"I don't get it; here I am, being a complete ass to you when all you've done is care about me. I find it hard to believe I'm not sick in the head, Ken." James admitted, letting out a deep sigh and closing his eyes; he opened them again when he felt Kendall brush a stray lock of caramel brown hair from his face.
"Well, then don't think about that. Let me worry about everything else, you just focus on getting better okay?"
"Are you really willing to stick it out with me? I mean, are you sure you want this? You sure you want to deal with such a broken, ugly person like m-me?"
"I'm going to tell you this now, Jay: yes, I'm sure I want to stick this out with you the whole way through, until the very end. Yes, I'm sure I want this, to be here for my friend. And yes, I want to be with you, but you're not ugly, James. You may be broken, I'm not going to lie and say you're fine, but you are not ugly. You're just a beautiful boy with a broken smile; and I'm not dealing with you, I'm trying my best to help you. I care about you, Jay, and if I have to tell you that you're beautiful every day until you finally see it and stop being so hard on yourself, then so be it. You're not a waste of my time, James Diamond." Kendall said, finishing his moving speech with a bright, sweet smile.
James couldn't see it, but he could feel his face turning a bright red. 'Well, I so didn't see that coming.'
"I'm starting to think you're too good to me, that I don't deserve a friend like you..."
"But if I want to stay with you, have your back will you still try to push me away again?" Kendall asked, James biting his lower lip again.
"In a way I've already tried and failed right, with my constant mood swings but...you're still here right?"
"Yeah, I am. And even if you kept trying to push me away, I'd still come back because I don't turn my back on my friends, James." Kendall said, massaging the brunette's knuckles.
James sighed, a heavy silence following afterwards before he spoke up again. "You're one stubborn jackass, Knight." Kendall could hear the joking tone in James' voice now back again, which caused him to smirk.
"And you're one blind prick, Diamond. Still, if I could then I would go back in time to make destiny have us meet earlier. That's the only thing I'd change about the past, nothing else." He replied, getting a slight chuckle from the brunette.
"Touché."
"So Sleeping Beauty is up finally?" A new voice made them both jump, they tilting their heads to see a girl in her Tweens, either twelve or thirteen, standing the doorway leading to the kitchen.
she was a bit taller than most kids her age and had soft creme-colored skin, with flowing brown hair and big, dark brown eyes. She was wearing a red sweater with simple blue jeans, a woven bracelet around one wrist and her long hair up in a ponytail.
She had to be Kendall's baby sister, Katie. She had the same mischievous shine in her eyes the blonde got when he smirked.
"Katie, warning next time?! I already know you're like the best ninja in your grade, but please I don't need a heart attack at seventeen!" Kendall complained, joking the whole time. Katie grinned and punched Kendall's shoulder before turning to James, eyes gentler.
Said brunette blushed. Those big, puppy eyes were so...cute.
'Damn, both Ken and his sister know how to get to people!' James thought, trying his best though to smile.
"H-Hi." Was all that came out of him, though.
'Oh smooth Diamond, real smooth!'
"Hey, name's Katie. I don't know how you put up with my big brother, dude do you have superpowers or something? What's your secret?"
"Katie, so not cool!" Kendall whined, though he and Katie grinned at each other seconds later. Clearly they were playing around.
"Oh relax, Big Bro! If you haven't scared him off yet, then he's a trooper! Listen, you two hungry? Mom and Kelly have dinner ready: good old chicken noodle soup, yum!"
Kendall turned to James, who was shaking his head. "Jay, you have to eat. You can't take the painkillers on an empty stomach."
"I ate this morning, Ken."
"That was breakfast, Jay. This is dinner we're talking about; you can't take your painkillers on an empty stomach, that's bad, plus you can't go to bed tonight without eating. Please eat, for me? I'll feed you myself if I have to, Jay." Kendall warned him, James' eyes going wide.
"You wouldn't dare coddle me like a baby, Ken."
"Who do you think coddled Katie when she had the flu and Mom was out at work?" Kendall asked, Katie pointing to him even though the answer was more than obvious.
James rolled his eyes, yet he caved all the same. "Fine, but can I least eat in my room? These couch pillows, are so not doing any favors for my hair." He said, Kendall grinning, victorious.
"Deal; Katie, mind bringing some soup to James' room for me? I'll get your chair, Jay." With that said the dirty blonde rose to his feet and left for the hallway. James sighed, unable to hide his fond smile though.
"Katie, your brother sure is stubborn."
"Yeah I know, but he's only like that with people he really cares about. He just wants to help you get better, buddy." Katie said, shooting the brunette a wink before heading back to the kitchen.
James was lost at the wink, though another unexplainable blush took over his face for some reason.
-Page Break-
"Do you like the soup, dear? It's not too salty right, or too hot?" Jennifer Knight asked for the fourth time, hovering over James like a protective mother hawk.
James blushed at the coddling, Kendall looking embarrassed in the background while Kelly and Katie were having a giggle fest by the door.
The brunette was all tucked in in his new queen-sized bed, under the nice, sweet-smelling (like vanilla) purple sheets and plush red pillows with horses on them. His in-a-cast leg was well elevated, bottle of painkillers of the bedside table, and pillows extra fluffed to support his lower back.
James had fallen in love with his new room. It was colorful, quiet and...new. There were no bad memories here, no whispers in his ear or creepy shadows against the walls. Everything about it, it was perfect for him.
And he didn't mind Kendall's mom babying him, she was only listening to her motherly instincts, but he never expected the tall, beautiful woman with gentle brown eyes and flaming red hair to treat him...as if he was another son.
James wasn't sure wether to freak out or worship her like a guardian angel.
"Mom, let him breathe please." Kendall said, sighing to himself. He said that for two reasons: the first reason was because his mom always got this way, and she didn't know how to get out of 'Mama Bear' mode. The second reason though, was that he didn't want to make James feel uncomfortable about being coddled by a person he just met.
"I wish I had a camera right now." Katie said.
"Katie! Mom!"
"It's o-okay, Ken. Thank you for the soup, Mrs. Knight. This is delicious." James said. Despite the fact having to drink said soup through a cup and straw to avoid choking, James wasn't lying about how great-tasting Mrs. Knight's cooking was. This was the first decent meal he's had in a while, and he wasn't just referring to his time in the hospital.
Said woman smiled and lightly caressed James' rosy right cheek, taking the cup from him when was finished. "I'm glad you liked it, dear. If you need anything, anything at all, just call Kendall on his cell-phone or our house phone."
"T-Thank you, you are very nice, Mrs. Knight."
"You can call me Jennifer or Mama Knight, sweetie. You and Kelly are part of the family now." Jennifer said softly, a kind smile on her lips.
'That look in her eyes...it reminds me so much of Mom.' James thought with bitter fondness, but he smiled for her nonetheless.
"Okay, thank you...Mama Knight."
"You're welcome, dear. We have to go now before it gets late but we'll come back tomorrow to see how you're doing okay? Sweet dreams, dear. Come on Katie, Kendall. Say goodnight." Jennifer said, giving James' hand a soft squeeze before leaving the room to start up her car.
Katie walked over and gave James a light fist-bump, smiling at him gently. "Get better, tiger. I can't pull pranks on you if you're stuck in bed." She said. James smiled.
"Thanks, Katie."
"See you tomorrow."
Kelly left the room after Katie, leaving Kendall and James alone.
"Ken, is something wrong?" James noticed the blonde's slightly worried expression.
"Are you going to be okay tonight? I mean I know Kelly's room is down the hall and she had the house phone set up here in your room, and that you have my number and all but...but I'm scared of leaving you." Kendall admitted, rubbing the back of his neck.
'I-I don't want to tell him I'm scared too; he has his own life, I can't keep him away from that. Plus S-Shane isn't here, he can't hurt me anymore...' James thought, a chill going up his spine.
"I'll be fine, K-Ken. Really, I'll be fine." James said, swallowing the painkillers to avoid saying more.
Kendall looked torn still, before he sighed and pulled off his red beanie, handing it to the brunette. "Here, so you know I'm close."
James eyed the beanie before he reached out and took it, holding it close to his chest.
"T-Thanks..."
"You try and get some sleep, okay? I'll be back in the morning but if you need me...don't hesitate to call okay? No matter what, James; you need me, and I'll coming running even in this pouring rain. Goodnight, Jay..." Kendall said, taking a deep breath before heading for the door.
"Kendall..." James called at his back, said blonde turning back to him.
"Yeah, what is it, Jamie?"
'Just tell him you're scared, admitting it doesn't mean you're weak. Just do it, do it damn it!'
"G-Goodnight."
'Damn it, Diamond!'
Kendall smiled softly and nodded, closing the door behind him.
James sighed and clutched Kendall's beanie to his chest again, blood going cold.
'Relax James, relax. You're going to b-be okay, you're going to be okay. It's just raining outside, you'll get through this night no problem...'