Chapter 10

November 10, 2006

"Her dress needs to be taken-in right here," Kim said as she pulled a pin from her teeth and pushed it through the material at my waist.

"God Leah! I can't believe you've lost weight since our last fitting," Rachel scowled as she examined the way her own bridesmaid dress clung to her figure, "The pounds you lost, I think I found!"

Emily's small bedroom filled with giggles at Rachel's words, but I didn't even smile. This was the nightmare of every girl that had ever been dumped by the guy she had once loved. All I saw when I looked at my own reflection was not the strappy, pastel-colored dress but the bed that was reflected in the mirror from behind me. Emily was not a cruel person, but I couldn't help to wonder if she realized what this was doing to me. Here I was...standing in my ex's bedroom as I tried on the stupid bridesmaid dress that I would wear to his wedding with another girl. All I could think was that I really must have done some bad things in my past lives to deserve this kind of torture. In another life I must have been a baby-killer, or a slayer of cute and fuzzy, baby animals.

"You look beautiful," Emily said from over my shoulder as she looked at my reflection in the mirror.

Her words snapped me out of my thoughts, and I rolled my eyes at her.

"Thanks," I mocked as I examined her glowing, happy face for a moment, "…so do you."

Emily's lips pulled up into the smile made crooked by her scars, and then she laid her head on my shoulder.

"Leah, I'm so grateful to you for being here," she whispered just before pulling away from me.

I gave a humorless laugh under my breath as I watched her walk away in the mirror. Her white dress made a swishing sound as she moved and part of me wanted to ruin her happiness by saying things like: "I sure hope those vampires don't show-up as you're walking down the aisle." And then: "What a shame it would be if the guys had to phase in their nice black suits!" But, I said nothing. I took a deep breath and upon inhale I could smell someone coming, someone familiar. Suddenly, there was a strong knock at the closed door and the three other girls screamed as it caught them by surprise. I rolled my eyes at their girlish screams and marched towards the door.

"It's only Jacob," I said as I reached for the door knob.

"DON'T OPEN TH—" They all screamed again and Kim and Rachel scrambled to hide Emily behind a sheet they held up.

Carelessly, I opened the door wide and then felt a smile pull at the corners of mouth from seeing the tall figure in front of me. Jacob, who was wearing a t-shirt and a pair of cut-offs, noticed my stupid dress before he noticed my face and his heart skipped a beat as he looked me over. My heart, too, pounded more loudly.

"Get out of here, Jacob!" Rachel ordered her brother.

"Sorry, ladies," he apologized with a sheepish-looking grin, "I just need to borrow Leah for a little while."

Excitement filled me as I stared up into his eyes, and then, all of us who were wearing dresses simultaneously demanded: "WHY?"

Jacob chuckled.

"I need some help writing my best man's speech."

"Awwwwww!" The other girls cooed.

I narrowed my eyes at the girls' response as if the idea of, me, helping with a speech that was about Sam and Emily was a good idea. It was a ridiculous idea! Never-the-less, I wouldn't turn down the opportunity to get out of Sam and Emily's bedroom. Eagerly, I made a move to leave and go wherever Jacob would lead me.

"LEAH!" the girls yelled-out just before I closed the door.

"WHAT?"

"I need your dress," Kim reminded me and I looked down at the thing that I was wearing.

"Oh."

Quickly, I spun around and gave Jacob a bored-look before going back inside the room and closing the door. The girls sighed in relief and then sent me glares as I reached around to unzip the dress. I ignored them as I carelessly climbed out of the dress, and then, a moment later, I was back in my usual tank top and shorts. I couldn't wait to get out! I pulled the door open so fast that the hinges squealed, and then I shut it just as quickly.

"DON'T FORGET ABOUT THE REHEARSAL!" Rachel yelled at me through the closed door and I angrily marched past a grinning Jacob.

"You looked really pretty in that dress, Leah."

His voice was teasing and I rolled my eyes at the compliment as he followed me out of the small house.

"Trying to butter-me-up isn't going to help your speech—I'm a terrible writer!"

I could hear Jacob chuckle from behind me as I stepped-out on to the grass

"I'm not trying to butter-you-up," he said, "I meant it! And don't worry about the best man's speech—that was just my excuse so the girls would let you go."

I stopped in my tracks and slowly turned to see him as a smile formed on my face. He already wore a smile on his, but it grew even wider as he saw mine.

"I figured you were probably miserable," he admitted as he walked past me and waved for me to follow, "Besides, you owe me a talk, remember?"

I felt the color drain from my face and my smile instantly faded at his reminder. I did remember telling him that we would "talk later"…and suddenly, I really regretted it! Two days had passed since then. It had been three days since I had last seen him and I was barely able to enjoy the moment before he ruined it with his reminder. I scowled as I watched him walk-off towards the direction of his house.

"Come on," he called.

He walked on—tall, proud and confident as he glanced back at me with a smirk on his face, noticing the sluggish way I followed after him. We didn't say anything, and I tried to think-up a way I could get-out of telling him about my little scheme, but I was out-of ideas. There was quite a bit of distance between us as Jacob, finally, reached the entrance of his over-sized shed and then pulled the door open. He made a show of bowing down and gesturing with his hand towards the entrance, and I realized that I owed the truth to him.

"Hurry up," he called as he looked up at the gray sky, "It's going to rain soon."

I didn't care about getting wet, but I immediately followed his order and jogged towards him. He grinned his carefree, happy grin and gestured for me to enter first. I forced another smile as I looked him in eyes and I silently begged him, in advance, to forgive me.

.

.

A warm can of coke sat between my knees as I stared out the windshield of Jacob's car. He sat next to me in the driver's seat as the rain pelted down on the tin roof of his makeshift garage. There was nothing but the sound of the rain clanking off the roof as we sat in silence…awkward silence. My pulse accelerated once I noticed just how awkward it had become, and I shot a glance at Jacob. His heart rate, on the other hand, sounded completely relaxed, and he looked relaxed too! He had one arm resting on the car door while the other was slung-over the back of the seat. He was already staring at me as I glanced his way, amusement dancing in his dark eyes as he patiently waited for me to spill the beans. Quickly, I averted my eyes down at my coke can.

"Leah," Jacob said with a laugh, "Whatever it is—I'm not going to hate you for it! It's impossible that I could hate you."

I humphed at that and looked up so that I could see his eyes.

"Believe me," I said, "it's not impossible. I've lied to you, Jacob. I've orchestrated the entire pack to lie to you!"

Jacob laughed.

"Really?" he asked, "The ENTIRE pack? Even Quil?"

I nodded and ticked their names off on my fingers as I said them: "Brady, Colin, Seth, Embry, Paul, Jared and Sam."

"That's pretty impressive," he commented, "It must be something worth lying about if you convinced all of those guys to do it."

I shrugged my shoulders as he looked my over. But, what had once seemed like a worthy lie, now, just felt like a big mistake.

"So what's the lie?"

I swallowed at his question and held his gaze while I tried to work up the nerve to just come out and say it. I mean, it wasn't so bad. It wasn't even really a lie! Jacob just hadn't been given all of the details from the past 3 years of his life, that's all!

"You really don't remember anything?" I asked, sounding hopeful, "Nothing at all? Not even little flashbacks now and then? Déjà vu? ANYTHING?"

Jacob quirked an eyebrow at my question.

"Why? Am I missing-out by not remembering? Because, so far—vampires, funerals and having my skull cracked open—none of it sounds like something I'd want to put in my scrapbook."

I ignored his attempt at levity as I examined the face of the16 year-old boy, who only remembered being 13, but who seemed so much older. I knew he didn't have a scrapbook. I would have found that during my search of his room, but he did have some keepsakes from the life he didn't remember—so that had to count for something! Suddenly, despite all of my own convictions about Bella Swan, I wanted to know if he would consider her to be "someone worth remembering"...

"Hypothetically speaking," I began as I gave him a serious look, "What if you…what about falling in-love?" I blurted it out, "Would that be scrapbook-worthy?"

My ears were alerted to the sudden pause and then acceleration of Jacob's heart rate as his dark eyes searched mine.

"Hypothetically?" he said the word as if it were a question, "I don't know. It depends. Are we talking about one-sided love? Or, something mutual?"

I sort of grimaced at the fact that the answer to his question was more complicated than either of his answer choices.

"Well," I began, wincing-up my face as I looked at him, "It was sort of mutual, but just not equal."

Jacob made a face and then narrowed his eyes at me.

"Leah, that doesn't make any sense."

I nodded in agreement. Maybe at one time I would have understood it better, but now, I guess I was just biased. I stared at the side of Jacob's handsome face as he looked through the windshield again, and I couldn't imagine how a person couldn't love him as much as he loved them, if not more. Jacob was right...it didn't make any sense.

"We're not talking hypothetically here, are we?" he asked as he looked at me with knowing eyes.

I gave a heavy sigh in response and then realized how terrible I was at this. I should have just used the "rip-the-band-aid-off-method" and told him straight-out that he used to be crazy in-love with Bella Swan, but for some reason it was just too damn hard to say. I couldn't bring myself to say those words.

"I'm sorry," I blurted out as my hand quickly searched for his car door handle, "I suck at this. I can't do this."

In a fluster, I pushed his car door open, and then, forgetting the coke can, spilt it in his floorboard as I tried to climb out.

"CRAP!" I yelled as I looked around the makeshift garage for something to clean the spill with.

Luckily, an oil stained rag was lying on the ground near the car and I grabbed for it as I knelt down to sop-up the spill, feeling like a total idiot. I silently cursed myself for spilling coke in Jacob's beloved car as I pressed the rag down on the spill. If he didn't already hate me for the truth that I was too-chicken to tell him—he'd hate me for messing-up his car, I just knew it!

"Leah?" Jacob tenderly spoke my name in such a soothing way that my heart started.

The rag dropped from my hand at the sound and I looked up to find that the look in his eyes was just as tender. The dark brown depths of his gaze shined with an inner light that seemed to seep into my very soul and I forgot to breath. He wasn't mad! I gulped as his lips curved-up in that irresistible way that I had been trying so hard to resist, but today, I just couldn't.

"It's okay, Leah," his voice was low and husky like a voice trying with difficulty to cover strong feelings, "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

The sweet understanding of his words, suddenly, made me ache to be near him. Faster than I knew I could move on two legs I crawled across the passenger seat of his car until there was no more crawling room and my knees pressed against his leg.

"LEAH?" Jacob questioned just as I took his surprised face in my hands and—more desperate with need than I ever could have imagined—I pressed my lips to his.

Jacob was quick to wrap his arms around me and he pulled me so tight against him that I could feel a happy chuckle rumble through his chest. His lips were a smile underneath mine and the feel of them sent tingles throughout my body that made my blood heat-up feverishly. I leaned into him, wanting to be even closer as my mouth coaxed a more serious reaction from his. Soon enough, Jacob's lips moved under mine—soft but firm—and my chest swelled-up with warmth just as every other part of me that touched him sweltered irresistibly from the heat of his skin. If there had been any doubt left in my mind about my feelings for Jacob—they had just been obliterated. Being in his arms felt like home, my new home, and I wanted to stay. My lips slowly broke from his so that I could see his face. A small satisfied smile played on his mouth as he lazily opened his eyes to see me. There was something very familiar about the look on his face. It was as if he had been waiting for this moment, the moment when I would let down my guard and open my heart to him. I looked away once I realized why it seemed familiar. I had seen this sort of satisfaction on his face before, only, last time, it hadn't been because of me.

"It was Bella," I said the words to myself as I remembered.

"Bella?" Jacob repeated the name as if he'd never even heard it before.

My eyes widened as I quickly realized that my words had doubled as a confession and I felt like kicking myself! Jacob stared hard at me for a moment and I stared back as I examined his face for recognition. It took him a moment, but soon enough his expression took-on the hard-cold look of understanding and he withdrew his arms from around me. Reluctantly, I moved back into the passenger seat, frowning over the loss of his touch, and Jacob was frowning too. He stared angrily down at the floorboard for a moment before he looked back up at me with searing eyes.

"You have a funny way of telling people things, Leah."

I swallowed at the sound of hostility in his voice and then averted my eyes down.

"I know," I mumbled, "But, I told you that I suck at this."

Jacob didn't say anything. He sat on his side of the car, staring out the windshield while one hand had taken a firm grip on the steering wheel. I imagined that a hundred questions were running through his mind, silently driving him crazy. It made me hate myself and I wondered how long I'd have to wait for forgiveness before I could kiss him again. Then again, maybe there would be no need for forgiveness if I relieved his mind of his questions! I took a deep breath.

"So what do you want?" I asked, "The long version or the short version?"

Jacob snapped out of his trance to examine me with scrutiny in his eyes, and I suddenly wished I had never spoken Bella's name.

"The short version," he said it as if only to appease me.

I frowned as Jacob went back to staring out the windshield and I felt disgusted with myself for how quickly I had been able to ruin my own moment of happiness.

"The long version it is," I muttered and Jacob again turned to look at me, but as I had suspected...he didn't complain.

Not too long ago, I remembered telling myself that if ever I were to tell Jacob about those 3 years he had lost—I'd give him the PG version. As it was, I was done hiding things from him and I intended to give him every detail I could recall up until the moment of his fateful head injury.

"I sort of came in during the middle of this whole mess, so excuse me for not knowing all the details at the start," I began, "But, from what Sam says, it all started at First Beach..."

Jacob sat quiet on the driver's side as I told him all the gritty details of his failed romance with that vampire-lover. Sometimes he clenched the steering wheel a little tighter, but he never said a word. I told him about the Harley that Paul rode around on, and how I'd make him give it back ASAP, but Jacob didn't respond. I told him about the wolf figurines and how Bella's wolf was the only one meant to be seen, but that I couldn't bring myself to throw away the others. Jacob didn't even flinch at that, but when I apologized for throwing away his other Bella memorabilia, he gave a dry, humorless laugh. Through his silence, I started to wonder if he cared if I went on or not, but I was resolved too. Besides, the best was only yet to come... I paused for a few moments before I told him about his last desperate attempt to make Bella see the light. I winced at the mention of their shared kiss and his dashed hopes. And then, all that was left was his shining act of chivalry that almost cost him his life.

"I've often wondered if you knew, all along, what those two newborns had planned, and if you rushed-in for that very purpose," I said as I stared at the silent Jacob, wondering what he was thinking, "You probably wouldn't ever tell me the truth if you remembered it, anyway."

Jacob didn't deny or admit it, and I allowed him a few minutes to let it all sink in before I started to really worry. I stared at his profile for a few minutes at a time and noticed how his jaw would occasionally clench. Part of me wanted to scoot closer to him, just to touch him, but he was so deep in his brooding that he was almost putting off these "back-the-hell-off" vibes.

"Jacob," I suddenly spoke his name, getting impatient.

He flinched at the sound of my voice and his eyes blinked a few times as if they hadn't for a long while.

"I don't remember any of it," he muttered, not looking at me, "But it all makes sense now."

His voice sounded sort of bitter at the end of that sentence, like his voice, once, used to. I stared at him eagerly waiting for him to say more, and then to get to the part were he realized it really wasn't a big deal, and then, finally, he forgave me. Jacob shook his head at his own thoughts, whatever they were, and I felt myself get a little angry at not-knowing.

"Man, Leah!" He suddenly shouted as he shoved the heel of his palm into the car horn.

The loud honking sound didn't jar me nearly as much as his shouting-voice did.

"Do you think you could've possibly found a worst time to unload all of that on me!"

His eyes were dark, darker than usual as he looked over at me, and they were cold, too.

"Probably not," I admitted as I dared to hold his angry gaze, but he looked away.

"I wish you hadn't told me," he muttered almost too low to hear, but I had heard it, and it made my jaw drop.

"What!" I spat in disbelief, "You mean you're mad BECAUSE I told you the truth?"

"No," he said, shaking his head as he looked back at me, "I'm mad at your delivery."

He turned to me in his seat, then, and clenched a shaking fist as he looked hard into my eyes, "I'm mad that you destroyed a perfectly good moment by filling my head with a bunch of shit I can't even remember! And NOW," he spoke the word loudly before running his hands angrily through his hair, "I can't get any of it OUT of my head!"

He leaned-in closer to me all-of-sudden, and I didn't budge even as his searing gaze scorched my face.

"I can't remember feeling that way about Bella. I don't feel that way about her. You're the only one I've ever felt that way about, and," he paused to clench his jaw as he swallowed, "it's like you're trying anything you can to mess it up."

I stared at him apologetically, but he turned away from me and then grabbed for the car door handle

"I need to be alone."

"Wait!" I shouted as I lunged for him, but he was too quick and I felt the breeze of air hit my face from the slammed car door.

I scowled as I turned to watch him walk away through the back window. I wanted to apologize for my terrible timing. He couldn't possibility regret that I had ruined our first kiss anymore than I did. No way! I watched as he shoved open the door of the shed and then stormed-out. I wanted to tell him that I had a very good reason to be guarded and to keep him at arms length. I couldn't handle a repeat of the Sam-Emily fiasco. If Jacob imprinted on someone—it'd probably kill me. Surely he knew that. I slid across the front-seat and sat on the side where Jacob had been sitting. It was still warm and even though I wanted to run after him and to apologize and give him my excuses...I knew it would only fall on deaf ears. He wanted to "be alone". I gave a frustrated sigh and pushed my way out of Jacob's car. Standing on my feet, I looked around his makeshift garage, feeling lost and out of place. I didn't know what to do. I had told Jacob everything. It was done. So, now what?

"LEAH!" An aged voice suddenly called my name from outside, and realizing it was Billy I went to his call.

The rain must have stopped sometime ago, but I had been too distracted to notice. The ground was soaked as I came into Billy's view and saw that he was parked in the doorway of the house. He waved for me to come over.

"Hey Billy."

"Rachel just called," he announced, "She's looking for you—said," he paused to make air-quotes with his hands just like his son would, "'to light a fire under your butt and get back over to Emily's'."

I cracked a small smile at that, but it didn't reach my eyes.

"Thanks for the message," I said flatly, "The wedding just won't be complete if the disgruntled-Leah is absent."

Billy chuckled.

"You're a strong young woman, Leah. Honorable. Harry would be proud."

I glanced away at his last words, wondering and doubting if there was any truth to it. I was guilty of quite a few dishonorable acts. Jacob could certainly vouch for that.

"Where's Jake?" Billy asked and I looked back at him as he searched the land behind me for his son.

I only pointed a finger towards the trees, knowing that if I opened my mouth to say anything about Jacob that my voice would probably crack. Billy nodded as if my arm-gesture was sufficient and I was relieved.

"Well," he said, "Don't let me keep you. Those girls will probably send the wolves out for you if you don't show-up pretty soon."

I scoffed at that. The wolves I could handle. The wedding rehearsal—maybe. But Jacob being mad at me... I sighed.

"Wish me strength, Billy," I said before turning to leave.

"I don't know another girl who has as much strength as you do," he called out to me as I walked away, but I wasn't so sure about his words.

Somewhere beneath those trees, Jacob was out there probably cursing my name, and if he went too long without speaking to me I would go crazy. I was strong in some ways, sure, but when it came to anticipation, when it came to "not knowing", when it came to waiting to hear back from a boy who might possibly never talk to me again...I was weak.