Eleven

She hated that Dr. Greene was right. She hated that Dr. Greene went on and did her snooping. He hated that Dr. Greene knew about her life back in Boston. Jane knew the folders and newspaper clippings Dr. Greene set aside were about her. Jane had the feeling, that the next time she would see her; they would have the dreaded talk.

But before having the talk, Jane turned to her usual parking spot. She turned off the ignition and walked toward the house to find Frank already sitting on the stairs of his porch.

"Now you're waiting for me?" Jane said.

"Janie, I wasn't going to take chances with what you said yesterday."

"Good. You're learning. I was goi-."

"Are we going to do this out here? My neighbors are nosy at times." Frank said. He looked at surrounding houses.

"You seem to not care when you bring your blonde here."

"Okay, Janie, stop. Just stop. I know you're mad and you have every right to. Can we just do what you came here for?"

Jane, appalled from the gentle request, remained unemotional.

"Fine. My three questions still stand."

Frank stared out on the street. "Janie, please. Let's go inside."

Jane rolled her eyes. She got up and waited for him to open the door. Once inside, she quickly scanned the rooms. To her left, laid the living room. A pretty basic set up; several couches, coffee table, and a modern television set. The hall in front of her bore several pictures, and looking at only the frames, Jane knew it consisted of his new "family". On the right, the kitchen crawled in mounds of unwashed dishes. Although all three rooms dictated different and simple stories, they had one common theme: baby items.

"You got a new kid? Jane asked.

"We can talk about that later. Just take a seat." Frank cleared the bottles, pacifiers, and toys off the table. He rushed to the sink, then to the fridge, and finally to the pantry.

"Hey, would you sit down? How the hell are we going to talk if you keep hiding your damn face?"

"You know," Frank said from the pantry, "I'm surprised you haven't shot me or something." He returned to the table with small snacks.

"It's in the car and my thera-…someone told me to not do anything I would regret."

"Is that so? Hm, whomever that is, I should thank."

Jane glared at him. "Are we going to have tea or are you going to answer?"

"Janie -."

"Frank." She replied sternly.

"I'm your father, Jane. Don't ever call me by -."

"Answer, the damn questions. Do I have to say it to you again? Why'd you leave. What changed? When did you want to leave?"

"Remember when you went out for the marathon?"

"Yeah. What about it?"

"That's when I couldn't take it…anymore."

"When'd you first want to leave?

"When you mother decided to sell those Polynesian drinks."

"Why?" Jane asked. "What changed?"

"I guess…I fell out of love." He said slowly.

"Was it your heart or your dick that fell out of love?"

Frank stood up. "I know you hate me for what I did but in this house, you need to speak in a respectful manner.

"What difference does it make when you're the one who brings home women and slaughter them with your dick?"

The two stared at each other. Jane was about ready to strangle the life out of Frank.

"You believe me when you want to, but I really did fall out of love with my heart. I love your mother, but not like I used to."

"So you just leave? Pack up your thing and head here?" Jane asked. "Did you two ever talk about it? Hell, I had to find out about the fucking divorce on the day I got my bravery award."

"Bravery award? What'd you do?"

"If you were there, you would have known. And don't fucking change the subject, Frank. Did you or did you not talk about your failing relationship with ma?"

Frank dropped his head. "No. I left the divorce papers on the table and left."

"Just like that?" Jane asked. "You grab your favorite things and leave it to ma to fix up thirty five years of your shit?" Jane reached for her temples. She walked to the living room, hoping to not physically hurt Frank on accident. She paced around, running into several toys and play sets. "Did you ever think about us? I mean, did you even have some remorse?"

"Every day, Janie. But how can you hold onto something that makes you so unhappy?"

"You know what hurts the most? You didn't even talk to your kids. Hell, you know I would have been there!"

"Guess…I didn't think about that back then."

"Looks like you didn't think about it now either." Jane walked toward the crib. "Whose are these? Your girlfriend?"

"She has a name."

"Yeah and you've got a heart."

"Janie -."

"So you admit on having one? So is this your girlfriend's or not?"

"They're mine." Frank said. He watched his daughter's emotions carefully.

"Yours? What? Are you a sitter?"

"No…" he said slowly. "I have -."

"You have kids with that blonde chick huh?" Jane felt her hands tighten to a fist. "How many?"

"Two…with another one on the way." He replied quietly.

"Oh for the love of…With that blonde chick I saw yesterday?" Jane asked. "You two aren't even -."

"Jane. I know what you're going to say."

"Frank! That damn chick is at least forty five years younger than you. Have you ever thought about what your…other kids…will feel when they learn their dad is old enough to be their grandpa? How long have you been with her anyways?"

"Four years." Frank said. Jane cringed at the sound of the number. "What?"

"Don't say…that number." She whispered.

"What? Why?" he asked. "Janie, what's wrong?"

"Don't…" she said.

"Janie…"

"Frank. I mean it. Damn it, don't."

"Okay…fine, Janie." He sat down. "What now? You have your answers. Anything else? Don't you have work?"

"Don't mind about my work. It's been -."

"How's your mother?" Frank asked. He fiddled with his hands.

Jane clenched her fists again then rubbed her scars. She didn't expect Frank to oblige with her. Suddenly, he took control of the questioning.

"Janie, did you hear me?" he asked. "Jane?"

"Just stop. Please…all your fucking questions! I'm the one who's -."

"Why are you here?"

"Cause I needed answers."

"I mean in Florida. Why are you…here?"

Jane felt flooded by the questions. Was she ready to tell the truth? Frank continued to stare at Jane, waiting for an answer.

"Work." Jane said, allowing the lie to slip out of her lips. "I'm here for work."

"Why here? What happened to Boston?"

"I just came here for work, Frank. That's all you need to know."

Realizing he wouldn't get the answer he wanted, he moved on. "How long have you been here?"

"Almost five years." Jane replied. She sat on the couch, moving several toys aside.

"Did you get fired or something?"

"No."

"Then what? I'm trying to start a conversation with my daughter, here. Why are you hiding so much?"

"Look who's talking about hiding." Jane said. She walked back to the kitchen where Frank caught a glimpse of her arm.

"What happened, Janie?"

"To what?"

"Your arm."

Jane quickly covered it with her hand. "Work related."

"What kind of work does this state make you do that causes you to get a cut from your wrist to your elbow?" he asked.

"A real tough one."

Frank nodded. "How are your brothers?"

Jane shrugged.

"How's your doctor friend? Dr. Isles right?"

She shrugged again, this time not taking her glare off of him. She was on the verge of tears. The questions pounded on her, creating a deep ditch inside, eventually building into anger and guilt. She quickly grabbed her belongings and ran to her car, feeling pounds of tears sliding down her cheek. She heard Frank's footsteps behind her. He yelled several things; things Jane managed to blur out. She entered her car, slipped on her aviators, and drove off to Dr. Greene's office.

Dr. Greene heard a knock on her office door. "Jane! Come in!"

The door opened, revealing a distraught Jane. "How'd you know it was me?" she asked, quietly closing the door behind her.

Dr. Greene put her newspapers down. "My secretary calls me when I have a patient coming in. You, however, seem to always zip right through them and either knock three times, just like you did, or you just come bursting in." There was a short pause. "I thought I'd see you again."

"Even after yesterday?" Jane asked. "And I do that to your secretary?"

"Yes and yes. Take a seat."

"I got the answers I needed."

"Oh? Hope you did it in a civil way." She winked.

Jane took off her sunglasses. Her eyes had not recovered from the tearful ride. She smiled, slowly saying, "Yeah…I left my gun in the car. He actually asked about it."

"I would too…now tell me, how'd it -."

"He has two kids." Jane began to cry. "And another one on the way."

"Oh…" Dr. Greene replied slowly. "That's rather unexpected. I…I don't quite know what to say."

"He said he fell out of love."

"Do you believe him?"

"What I believe won't change anything." Jane said. "What's done is done."

"I'm sure that's not all you spoke about." Dr. Greene smiled.

"Am I that easy to read?" Jane asked. "It's like you're asking me without actually asking me." Dr. Greene laughed. "He took control of the whole questioning thing!"

"What exactly did he ask?"

"Why I was here, how my mom, er, everyone was, and how long I've been here. That kind of stuff."

"And how did you respond?"

"Didn't answer him. I didn't think he deserved to know."

"You're positive that was your intention? Because he didn't deserve it?"

"Well…yeah…he really didn't."

Dr. Greene continued to nod. She rearranged the newspapers, purposely making them slightly visible to Jane. "Are you sure that's the reason why you didn't tell him?

"Yes, I-."

"Or was it because you knew if you replied to his questions, it would eventually lead up to the conversation we're about to have?"

"Oh god, no." Jane said. "Please…no."

"It's time you stop running, Jane. It's time you admit to your actions." Dr. Greene held out a newspaper. "See this?"

"Hey oh! Don't show that to me!" Jane covered her eyes.

"Okay…if you don't want to look, then listen." She unfolded the newspaper and began to read. "'Chief Medical Examiner, Dr. Maura Isles, seen in the picture below, arriving in Cambridge University to present awards for students who are a part of the latest forensic pathology research team.'" Noticing that Jane remained silent, she moved onto another newspaper. "'Detective Jane Rizzoli to marry Chief Medical Examiner, Dr. Maura Isles.' You two made it to the front pages every single week. I'm sure you know that." Jane sat still in her seat. Her eyes were fixed on several pictures off to the side. "Jane. You can listen to me all day and you can sit there and build up your anger and anxiety. Or we can be civil and talk about this."

Jane tapped her fingers, fidgeted her foot, and finally looked at Dr. Greene.

"Good. Eye contact is good." She said. "Why are you here in Florida?"

Jane's stare froze. She realized that the conversation was finally happening.

"Okay…why did you leave Boston?" Dr. Greene asked. Jane stayed quiet. "Do you see where I'm getting at? You refused to answer when your dad asked you ad you're doing the same with me. Do I need to read each and every newspaper that I have?"

"Where'd you get them anyways?" Jane finally spoke.

"I have friends at the Boston Herald. They shipped it the follow day. Do you know how many articles that relates to you?"

"A lot…"

"Yes a lot, to be more specific…your private life? 279. They were all reputable things until you hit articles 253-270. Those 17 articles were about your sudden disappearance. You turned form Boston's well-respected to most hated, overnight."

Jane allowed the words respected and hated echo in her ears.

"How did you even manage to hide?" Dr. Greene asked. "I'm sure the guys at headquarters almost had their hearts ripped out when they saw you talking to the captain about a job."

"I made a deal." Jane said. "I work for them, they keep my name on the DL, no questions asked."

Dr. Greene nodded. "Makes sense then. It must have been nerve wracking at first."

"Yeah…I didn't know if anyone was going to talk…"

"And I supposed no one did?"

"As a woman working in a man's world, you learn to get your foot firm into the ground. I made it clear that I do mutual respect. You know...that kind of stuff. But what you do to me I will do to you."

"I see…relatively off topic, but when did you the drink binging start?" she looked at the picture in the newspaper then back to Jane. "It appears back in Boston, you looked incredibly healthy. Your skin glowed and your eyes weren't sunk in like right now. But in our…" Dr. Greene hesitantly said. "four years of working together, I want to say you started when you arrive in Florida but only proceeded to escalate to heavier and stronger drinks about two years ago?"

"Well, when you're a terrible person like I am, you don't want to remember what you've done."

Bingo.

"And what is it that you've done?"

"Don't you already know that?" Jane almost yelled.

"I need you to say it."

"But you already know it, damn it!"

"Jane, you need to admit what you've done." Dr. Greene said calmly. "What have you done to make you drink yourself to sleep?"

"I left." Jane quickly mumbled.

"What did you leave? Who did you leave?"

"I…I left my life." She replied quietly. She felt herself choking on tears.

Dr. Greene nodded. "Who did you leave?"

"My family…friends…" a single tear drop slid down her face.

"Any one in particular?"

"M…M…Maura." Jane struggled to say.

"And who is this Maura?" Dr. Greene asked. "What is her significance in your life?"

"You…just read the headline…"

Dr. Greene repeated the question. "What is her significance in your life?"

"She's my…was…my wife." Tears flooded her face.

"Why do you say 'was'?"

"I left. I left her." Jane cried harder. "I left my wife and child at the hospital!" Jane buried her head in her hands again.

Dr. Greened sighed in relief. She managed to get Jane to admit to her actions. Step one, check, she said to herself. She waited for Jane to release what had been locked up and buried.

"Jane?" Dr. Greene said. She handed a cup of water. "Why did you leave them?"

"I…I was scared. He came back." Jane said in between breaths.

"Who came back?"

"Ho…Hoyt came back." She replied. Her body began to shake. Her eyes, tightly shut, while her breathing tensed. Dr. Greene moved next to Jane.

"I need you to breathe. I need you to look at me." Dr. Greene instructed. She waited for a response.

"I had a dream about him a few weeks before…she…the…accident. There was a guy. An old guy with a beard like Dumbledore, holding a sign." Jane said quietly. "Love live Hoyt." Dr. Greene let the three words sink into her mental database. She realized those three words was the root of her existence in Florida.

"I left because danger always follows me home." Jane wiped her tears. Her breathing was better. Shallow, but better. "Having a kid…made things more…precious…more terrifying. And he…"

Dr. Greene dozed off into her own mind, still attempting to register Jane's words. Why does she keep saying a kid? Singular? She's got two! Doesn't she know that? Is it in my duty to tell her? Dr. Greene debated with herself.

"He doesn't deserve to always have to think if I'm coming home." Jane drank her water. "So I left. What I did was…is stupid, selfish…so regretful. Call me an ass, a douche, all the terrible things you can call me for doing what I did. But that child deserves to have a safe and healthy household."

"What difference does it make if he wonders I you're coming home that day or if you're back at all after so many years? Either way, that child will think both things. 'Where did my other mommy go?' 'Did my other mommy die?' Who's going to explain to him where you are?"

"Wouldn't it be easier if he didn't have to -."

"What? Know you? Jane, answer the question. Who's going to explain to your child where you've gone?"

"Maura…will." Jane replied slowly.

"Did it ever occur to you that your son isn't the only one you were going to hurt? Leaving your son because you wanted to him to be danger free also meant leaving your wife, family, everyone and everything! But Jane, danger is everywhere, like it or not."

At that moment, Jane stopped crying. The tears halted, her breathing silent, and the only thing that was audible, was the sound of the air condition sending heaps of air to the plants adjacent to it, causing soft ripples. True guilt seeped through Jane's skin. She felt sick to her stomach as she replayed the words over and over.

"Do you have plan on going back?" Dr. Greene asked.

"Oh…" Jane began. "About that. How do I say this…" Jane crossed her arms. "The case I'm working…well, it got moved to Boston."

Dr. Greene widened her eyes.

"Yeah, I know. My partner and I have to stay there until we close the case."

"When do you leave?"

"Tomorrow mid afternoon." Jane replied. I'm not fucking excited. I'd love to fucking bury myself right now."

"That's sudden." Dr. Greene said. She was happy though. Not many people had the opportunity like Jane.

"I'm not happy about it."

"I can think of so many reasons…" Dr. Greene said. "But what's your current concern?"

"FSPD…we're teaming up with Boston PD."

"Oh…I understand now. And I take it that everything back there is how you…"

"Yeah. Exactly the same." Jane blew her nose. "Look, I gotta go." She got up, threw her tissue and cup away.

"Jane, you did great today." Dr. Greene said. "Admitting is always difficult. Think about what we've spoken about."

"Yeah, thanks."

"And Jane? What happened to your arm?"

Jane quickly covered up. "See you tomorrow…" She opened the door and left the room.