A/N: Hi there, people! First of all: I've looked over the last chapter I published, and realized that I posted it without proofreading it, it was just a rough first draft, full of errors and Swedish words that I threw in there because I didn't know the English ones. So, I've corrected that now, and I'm sorry for being an idiot. Second of all: the fic is coming to an end, so… Enjoy. ^^

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10: Like It's The Very First Time

This can't possibly be happening to her.

Kate's always been careful with that thought. If there's anything she's trying to avoid, it's becoming one of those people that say that those things only happen to other people. Even when she'd just killed the man she loved, she didn't try to make excuses like how it wasn't really her fault, or that it would've happened no matter what she'd done. She'd killed him, she'd stayed in the overwhelming misery that that insight brought her, and before and since that happened, so many other things have happened that's made Kate so convinced about the evil in herself and others, that there's no use trying to think of excuses.

Everything sucked anyway. And anyone who tried to make her think otherwise were either stupid beyond belief, or tried to earn her trust to then betray her.

The reason Kate doesn't feel like this can happen to her is that it really doesn't feel like she's the one walking through the jungle right now. She looks down at the feet crushing thin twigs under their shoes, and doesn't feel the snap of the wood underneath them, looks down at her feet and doesn't feel like they could possibly be hers.

Everything is happening outside of her. She's somewhere else, seeing it all from above.

Seeing it from outside does make her see how stupid it is. Walking away from someone who might be beyond redemption, but who she honestly loves too much to ever give up on.

She sees it. Now. But still doesn't go back. Maybe things are already too late for her.

Maybe she was lost when she first kissed him. Maybe she wasn't meant to be happy.

Jack, who's walking at the head of the line, glances over at her. Then he says something to Hurley, who's walking right behind him, and slows down his pace until he's walking next to her.

"You okay?"

"Yeah."

Even if Jack didn't know her, he probably wouldn't believe her.

"You're feeling guilty, aren't you? About Sawyer?"

Kate shrugs. Once again, it doesn't feel like her doing it.

"Kind of. Feels like I could've done more, you know?"

"Kate…"

Oh, here comes the confiding, openhearted conversation. Thank God they're in a hurry, or he'd make her sit down.

"You did what you could. If there was anything more you could do, you would. You know that, right?"

Kate usually feels some kind of tenderness for Jack. She did love him, she honestly did. She has no idea where this sudden spring of hostility on her behalf comes from.

She knows how to suppress it, though. Press it down, swallow every ounce, and if it comes back up, swallow it again.

"Yeah, I know."

Jack nods.

"Good."

"Yeah."

He clears his throat. Kate keeps looking forward, away from him. There's an awkward pause, before Jack exhales slowly and starts walking towards the head of the line again.

Kate gets angry just by watching his back moving away from her. Probably because of the idea that he's the one she's going to spend the rest of her life with.

The second hand choice that's still so much better than her that the mere thought makes her nauseous.

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You'll never find her.

There's no way to tell who's saying it. The voice in his head, the hallucinated Kate that still follows him. Or if he's saying it to himself, because he knows it's true.

You'll never find her. And you'll never get Juliet back. In your own little dream world, you had them both, and when you die, you're going to have none of them.

He's still running. Or everything's spinning. Fuck, why can't things around him… Stop moving?

You're going to die out here, Sawyer. Before you ever get to tell her. She'll go back with Jack… Remembering you as nothing but the sad, broken man that didn't even have the balls to tell her that you loved her.

Sawyer takes a few faltering steps forward. His tongue sticking to the roof of his mouth, it feels like a half-dried sea gherkin. Head throbbing. And a high-pitched sound in his ears, not enough to block out the voice.

You lost her. You lost her because you're a coward. A stupid, alcoholic, lonely coward that's going to die alone. In a jungle, on an island that you hate.

Sawyer doesn't remember falling down. Suddenly, it just turns out that his cheek is pressed tightly against the ground, palm leaves sticking to his face and every muscle in his body cramping, screaming for water, water, his throat making noises that not even Sawyer can understand, not his sick, twisted mind with the magical ability to push away everyone he cares about.

You're going to die here. She's going to go away with Jack. And it'll all be your fault. Every single bad thing that's ever happened to her has been your fault.

You should be perfectly happy with that. Since as you told her yourself, you don't love her anymore, anyway.

"Sawyer?"

It's possible that he hears his name being spoken. Just as possible as it is that it's another hallucination.

Sawyer doesn't have time to reflect on that. Everything is already spinning, faster and faster.

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There are a bit too many factors playing in for it to be a coincidence.

It'd be one thing if it had just been because Kate, who was the best tracker in their pack, was so far away in her head that she hadn't been able to focus, so Jack had tried to lead them to the plane so she had time to think, and of course got lost.

Or if Sawyer had just happened to collapse not far away from them.

But it couldn't have been a coincidence that it was only Kate that saw him fall down in a glade in the jungle, even though everyone passed him. It couldn't have been a coincidence that she runs up to him and kneels down next to him the second that Sawyer whispered those words, those cracked lips, his voice not sounding like his own at all.

"…Always loved her…"

This has to count as destiny.

Kate didn't reflect much on Sawyer's words at first. Assumed, with a light stab of pain through her heart, that was talking about Juliet, since Juliet's the only one that matters, the only one who's ever been important to him at all. But then those spinning, deranged eyes get fixed on her, he sees her for the first time in a long time, actually sees her, and Kate almost flinches when he reaches up a trembling hand and puts it on her cheek.

"Kate…"

At this, Kate freezes. So shocked that she can't even bring herself to give him water.

Their eyes lock, for a fraction of a second. Then Sawyer's hand drops, his head falling back, as he loses consciousness. Still completely stunned, it takes Kate a couple of seconds before she realizes that she has to call for the others to help them carry Sawyer with them to the plane, and even when everyone comes running, in the middle of the commotion, Kate can't move. She remains on the ground as they carry Sawyer away, until Jack comes back and drags her off the ground.

She thinks she just found proof that Sawyer actually loves her. Kate, the real Kate. Not the Kate pretending to be Juliet.

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When Sawyer wakes up, the first thing that strikes him is a grinding headache. He groans softly as he sits up, pressing the heel of his left hand into his temple. It takes him a second to adjust his eyes to his surroundings.

Dark blue carpet on the floor. A thin aisle between rows of chairs.

He's in one of those chairs… An uncomfortable armchair in the same color as the carpet, identical to all the ones around… He's on an airplane.

Sawyer looks around, panic building up in his weary head, his initial thought being that someone must've kidnapped him, until…

"How are you feeling?"

Sawyer startles and turns to the chair next to him. Kate's sitting there, her eyes filled with concern that she tries to hide, not entirely succeeding.

"Okay," Sawyer answers out of reflex. "How… How long was I out?"

Kate shrugs.

"About a day."

Then they're quiet for a bit. Sawyer doesn't immediately remember everything he's done during these past couple of weeks, and now that it's all coming back to him, bit by bit, he wishes it wouldn't.

He'd be happier if he didn't understand the pain ghosting over Kate's features. If he didn't see every one of their painful memories playing out in her gaze.

But now that he does remember, he's not sure how to say. 'I'm sorry' doesn't seem to cut it. Those pitiful words don't really describe the fact that he feels literally sick from his own self-loathing right now.

"Kate…"

That's all he manages to get out. Kate doesn't look at him.

"I'm… I lied. I only said… What I said… To hurt you. Because I was deranged, and…"

Sawyer's always had a way with words. Just not in situations like this.

Not when those turned-down eyes, that tensed mouth, belong to someone he really cares about.

"I loved Juliet," he goes on. "I did. A lot. But compared to you…"

Kate actually looks up at this. She doesn't look entirely convinced, but he does get eye contact. It hurts more than it should.

"She wouldn't have done what you did for me," Sawyer finishes off. "That's what makes you different from her. If I treated her the way I treated you, she would've stood up and left. Maybe that's not a good thing, but… I have a feeling that's a quality you need if you're going to put up with my idiotic ass for a longer period of time."

Kate smiles. But she still doesn't look happy at all. There's a brief pause, where Sawyer's every nerve seems to tighten up like a violin string, and Kate fixes her eyes on the back of the chair in front of her.

"I really hated you, you know," she then says, quietly. "It wasn't so much you thinking that I was her… It was more that I couldn't help asking myself if you'd been that sweet… If you'd known it was me. Or if that was just for her. If I was just someone you could treat like crap, use and then find someone new when I went back to the states."

Sawyer's initial reaction is to get mad at her for saying this, but he pushes it back. She does have reasons to think this way.

"And I was right, wasn't I?" Kate then says, and looks back at him. "The second you saw that I was me, you weren't quite so sweet anymore. That's why I left. Not even I could put up with that, not even from you."

Sawyer nods. Tries to keep his heart from falling apart.

Can't lose her, too.

"But then I found you when you'd passed out, and you… Said my name."

Sawyer looks up at her, Kate looks back. He swears he can see something glistening in her eyes before she looks down again.

"Sawyer, that's the first time you've spoken my name since I came back for you," Kate goes on, her voice trembling only slightly. "And I need… I need to know if it meant something. I need to know that you weren't just dehydrated and insane, or drunk, or grieving, or any of that. I need to know that you knew that it was me, and actually loved me."

So insecurely. Almost like she doesn't want him to hear her.

Sawyer puts his hand on her cheek. Tries to recall all the years before he met her. Tries to discern some little detail, but finds that it all floats together. One giant mess of misery, self-hatred, a grey stone in his chest, shaving against his heart.

One big, grey mass. Before he met Kate.

Sawyer leans forward, cups Kate's chin in his hand and kisses her. Tenderly, slowly, not violent because he's not mad, not rushing because they will have all the time in the world for this. It's them now, fucking each other up, and giving up everything to fix the things they've fucked up, being there for each other. Just the way it's supposed to be.

When they break apart, Kate looks into Sawyer's eyes. They're soft in a way she's never seen them, but that she still knows is reserved for her. In the end, she's the only one who can make him feel that happy. Her. Not Juliet.

She doesn't even need a verbal answer from Sawyer. Instead, she leans her head against his shoulder, relishes being someone's everything again, as they wait for the plane to start moving.