Chapter 11

Everything was a blur. The lights from the ambulance and police vehicles lined the roads. By the time the flames were out completely, there was nothing left but burnt wood, ash, and the foundation that use to hold the Roadhouse upright.

I remember watching the people run from the flaming abyss as the heat seared even the cold November grass. What I remember the most was Dean's silhouette climbing the steps into the building. He was shouting the names of his loved ones as he disappeared through the smoking door and his brother trailed behind him. I tried to get to them, I did; but my brothers found me too quickly and pulled me far away from the danger.

Five minutes and no sign of Dean. Ten minutes; the flames only got worse. Twenty minutes; nothing. I thought I was going to pass out from the nausea building in my throat. I couldn't see a thing through tears and my brother's arms that held me back as I screamed Dean's name.

It didn't take long for the sirens to sound from down the road and illuminate the roadhouse parking lot with their flashing lights. I felt defeated like nothing good could come of the world now. I was wrong and this was my punishment. I sunk into the arms of my brothers and let myself cry against Gabriel as he held me up.

But even as everything consumed me, I saw something. The feeling that came over me when I saw three bodies emerge from the side of the Roadhouse, from behind the smoke, had me bursting from my restraints and sprinting to the men carrying themselves heavily; one having his arm slung over the tallest one's shoulder.

Now, I sat next to Dean on the back of an ambulance. What worried me was his silence that he had since he came from the burning building. He hadn't said a word and carried a blank expression as he was handed water from the paramedics while they assessed him. Something very wrong had happened and I could feel it sink into my stomach as I tore my attention from the man to look around me for a second.

What I saw was a nearly empty lot of cars. Michael and Gabriel were sitting on the back of their car talking to each other quietly. A police was talking to Sam and Garth while Bobby leaned against the sheriff's car, eyes puffed and tear stains running down his face. I looked around more, but that… that was it.

"No… NO!" I looked at Dean who barely lifted his gaze at me; inside I could feel my stomach turn. Bobby looked up at me and shook his head away as his face twisted in pain. The contents of it were empty on the side of the road and I just let the nausea flow out. My head was spinning and the disbelief shook me until I felt my eyesight turn black. I could feel hands on me, pulling me back towards the ambulance asking me what was wrong.

The only thing that kept me sane was Dean laying his hand on my shoulder next to me. They turned to hug me and in his embrace, I could even feel him shudder against my chest. Over the man's shoulder, I saw Bobby watching us; heartbroken.

I had lost all sense of time. The smoke emitted from the ruins of the Roadhouse surrounded the parking lot, making it a prison of grief. I stood staring at the remnants unmoving even as the sun started peeking through the trees. The ambulance's had left and the lights had gone out long ago. Eventually, my brothers tugged on me and I realized how exhausted my body was; shaken and bruised from shock. I took one last look at the smoking remains before leaving.

Dean, Sam and Bobby were all taken back to the hospital to further analyze them. I knew Gabriel and Michael wanted to go home and sleep but I just… I couldn't. I drove them back to my home silently and rushed to the hospital as fast as I could.

The lights in the hallways hurt my eyes but I ignored it rushing to the desk. They pointed me in the right direction and I found their room. All three of them were in the same room, big enough to accommodate at least six beds. I spotted Sam standing next to Dean who was sitting on the end of the bed and Bobby was facing away on the next bed.

As soon as I approached Dean and Sam both looked up at me. Dean just tried the corners of his mouth up to me; but they didn't last. His brother seemed a little confused at me but didn't say anything.

"How is it?" I asked calmly.

"Were fine. Few scratches. Burns. Nothing serious, don't worry 'bout it." He said obviously trying to comfort me but it wasn't enough. It wasn't enough to undo what had been done.

There was flesh on his face that was pink and red from cuts and my immediate reaction was to caress the area and inspect but Dean slowly swatted my hand away. I wanted to feel offended but I forgot that Sam was standing there too and he just looked at the two of us.

I had forgotten that this was Dean's problem too. The circumstances were even worse and I could only feel sorrow for the three men in front of me. I hadn't planned much else to say but I was surprised when Sam spoke up to me.

"Cas?" My eyes made my way to his that were much bigger and sadder than I expected. "Is-is it alright if I call you that?" He said and I watched Dean look up at his sibling.

"Yes." I nodded my head. The smile that he gave me didn't last long.

"Well, I was just talking to Dean, and I wanted to thank you for taking care of him. I can take him off your hands now though."

My throat sort of hitched a lump but I just stared at the ground. Who was I to compete with his brother? I wouldn't stand in the way of Dean's family as they took him from me. Sam put his hands in his coat pockets just to avoid some sort of uncomfortable feeling lingering in the air.

"You-you can always stay at my home tonight. I mean, I don't have plenty of room… but I can't imagine you'd want to be alone. My brothers and I can keep you company and-"

"It's alright. Dean and I have got each other. And Bobby. I think it's best the three of us spend the time we need… to mourn." Sam said pressing his lips together at the last words that he said quickly. I saw Bobby's head turn towards us for a moment listening to our conversation.

My heart ached for them and I wanted to say something to them; at least Dean. As they started ushering their way out of the hospital, I followed behind and tried to catch him before he left. Out in the parking lot, I pulled at his sleeve and he slowed to look at me, waiting for me to say something. Sam and Bobby continued to the black vehicle.

"Will you be alright?" I asked trying not to let the concern torture the gravel in my voice.

Not a word came from his mouth as he nodded. I saw the way his face twist for a moment but he looked away before eventually following his kin.

Hello and good afternoon Nebraska. I regret to inform you news of a tragedy that occurred last night at 10:36 pm last night. Harvelle's Roadhouse, located south of town, burned to the ground taking two lives. Ellen Harvelle, 41, and her daughter Jo Harvelle, 24. Reports say that arson was involved. The arson was not apprehended but an investigation is currently taking place.

The radio was the only sound that echoed in the house. It sank in like stones falling into my stomach but Michael turned it off trying to expel the heaviness in the room. Everyone sat silently. It was like this since I got home hours ago.

But it was even worse without Dean. If I wasn't with him, I'd rather be alone, so I got up and removed myself to the kitchen. I wasn't hungry but I still lingered against the counter, tapping the edges.

I thought about Dean. Worry riddled my insides and I felt physically and emotionally sick from everything. I couldn't believe that Ellen and Jo were really gone or how Bobby was coping with this. What made everything come down at once was the feeling that it was my fault.

My knees hit the tile and I could feel tears stinging. I tried being quiet but my breathing was collapsing inside my chest making it difficult to stay composed. I covered my face with my hands and hid away from the world.

The worst part was that I always knew that it was my fault. I knew it from the moment I met Dean, watching him sing on that stage; the moment I fell in love with him, I knew that we were wrong. Everyone around us was hurting because of us; because of me.

"Castiel?" My face adjusted itself and my hands fell as the wave quickly subsided hearing whose voice it was. I didn't look up at my brother but just slumped against the cabinets, sniffing and rubbing my face.

"hm?" I made the noise in my throat but Michael just knelt next to me.

"I never really… had the chance to say anything Castiel. But I'm sorry about what happened to your friends. I didn't get a chance to know the Harvelles that well…" I felt his hand on my arm and it made me look up at him; his eyes soft and empathetic. "God has a plan for them and I'm sure they are being well taken care of, alright?"

I don't know why but I wanted to strike him when he said that. I held in my urges though and just thought to myself how I could be so spiteful and angry. But that wasn't directed at Michael, it was god. I was so angry at him for cursing me like this; for cursing me with Dean. What was my plan?! And as my fists balled and my knuckles pained white, they never left my sides or touched my brother and he never noticed. I just sat a looked at him.

The week came to an end and my brothers ended their stay with me as well as calling off their business with Dean. I hadn't seen him since and it was no longer appropriate to be discussing those kinds of matters. But as they left, so did any sort of peace I had with their company. I didn't realize how much they kept me from breaking until the cool draft inside my house sent chills of being alone in through my skin.

I hated the silence but it seemed so fitting. I couldn't describe it. I laid back on my own bed where I hadn't slept on for what felt like too long. I sank into the sheets that smelled of my kin and rolled over, looking at the ceiling. I had opened my eyes to this ceiling so many times feeling that man next to me. Where was he now?

I imagined him with his brother and Bobby. They were probably drinking off their losses knowing Bobby and Dean. I hadn't known Sam that long but I could see him offering Dean to come back with him to school, finding him a place to stay with his Stanford connections. It felt a bit hurtful that I enjoyed the thought of Dean being safe for once, with his brother. That's what I wanted him to be; happy.

I gripped the sheets harder as the sighs left my body and I didn't even realize I wanted to cry until I choked. I was sick of this, feeling so worthless but it was too easy to. I couldn't get myself off the mattress so I stayed until the night left and the sun came back up.

The next few days came and I walked around in an empty shell really. I had called in sick and let my dead spirit deteriorate in silence until it was shattered by the sound of my telephone from the kitchen. I hadn't heard it ring for a very long time and it was frightening when it did.

"Hello?" I asked deep and low.

"Cas?" the voice on the other end asked. I guess I had expected Dean because a small feeling of disappointment came through.

"Sam?" I asked. I was curious now though.

"Uh yeah… uhm, h-how are you?" I crossed my arms at the sound of his voice. He sounded nervous.

"I'm… holding up. I guess I'd be more concerned with you guys? How are you? How is Bobby?" I was actually trying to avoid talking about myself. It was strange though. I didn't feel at all off talking to a man I barely knew, but it was probably because he was my only link to Dean.

"Oh, we're doing better now thank you. Uhm, yeah, Bobby's healing. –Slowly. But he's healing." He paused for a moment and I could hear his breathing get heavy. "The uh, reason I was calling was because we are having a candle light service kind of, at the Roadhouse. For Ellen and Jo."

"Yeah, I'll be there."

"Great. So it's tomorrow night. And I guess… I'll see you there."

"Of course. Goodbye Sam." I said and I heard the line on the other side pause again before ending. I felt like Sam had something else to say, something he wanted to say but I didn't know what really.

The night was warmer than usual but cold enough for a coat still. There were people there already as I pulled onto the side of the road and got out. People were gathered in the parking lot visiting with each other. No one paid any attention to me but I still recognized some of them as people from the Roadhouse; regulars. I paced towards them and Sam spotted me, giving me a small candle.

"Hey, thanks for coming." He said offering a small polite smile. I could still hear the mourning in his voice.

"Yeah, of course. Where is…" I asked almost instinctually looking around.

"Dean's coming. He was helping Bobby set up things back at his house for after. I- uh, forgot to mention that. But we're going to just have a small get-together after, if you'd wanna that is…"

"I'd love to Sam. Thank you." I said finally returning his smile. He pulled away from me to join the others.

I waited on the outskirts of the crowd which began to grow in numbers but there was still no Dean amongst them. I wondered up to the burnt foundation that was no longer smoking, seeing the wreck for what it was; half of the building that it once was.

More cars came and eventually the sun started to set which put the service into motion. A man, who I presumed was a preacher, started speaking and then came the lighting of the candles. During the small sermon another car came too and I could see Dean with his guitar and Bobby come out of the darkness who was greeted by Sam. I didn't wave to them or say anything. Dean probably couldn't see me because of the darkness that shrouded the people anyway. He just stood next to Sam with his unlit candle.

The flames started to come around and my candle came to life and I watched it burn and flicker in the breeze. I watched everyone else as they just looked off in the distance, hugging each other in comfort for their lost friends, the Harvelles. The man stopped preaching and then the sound of someone else's voice rang from the crowd singing.

Here comes the sun doo doo doo doo

Here comes the sun, and I say

It's all right

Dean sang it so slowly and I could hear the pain in his voice. I knew that Dean wouldn't allow some religious bullshit song to be sung here and everyone would probably agree with him knowing the Harvelles. Eventually Sam joined in. Then more people started to follow.

Through the sound of the music I could hear sobs, people crying on each other's shoulders for their lost friends. My eyes found Dean's friend Ash who was a few people in front of me. I could tell he wasn't singing by the way his body refused to sway like the one's around him to the singing. It was shaking. Hurting.

The anguish emanating from everyone ignited a hatred; a hatred for that man who did this. He had murdered innocent people because of me and I started to hate myself for it. These people were feeling this way and I felt so responsible but I knew I shouldn't be. This was his fault and I kept telling myself that.

I had to.

I stood for a long time. The music had long stopped and most of the candles had been extinguished and left. I still stood in my spot with the few people in the darkness. Sam had gone back to Bobby's to cater to those friends that wished for company.

No one had spoken to me during or after the service, but I still waited until he would. He was still there, standing with his brother and Bobby, candle still barely glowing. Mine had gone out long ago and I wondered if it was the reason he did not notice me, standing in shadows.

I wanted to leave with my heaviness still intact. It was weighing on my exhaustion and I could barely stand any longer, so I decided to decline Sam's invitation. Dean was much closer to the Harvelles than I was and I could respect his rate of mourning.

I turned to leave, hearing my footsteps sound across the gravel parking lot but it wasn't long until I noticed another set of footsteps following me to my car door. I already knew as I turned around, who it would be. His guitar was gone but his candle was still lit. It was the only light that let us see each under the moonlight.

"Dean." I whispered like we weren't allowed to talk.

I saw him contemplate what to say as he examined the flame in his hand. I wasn't sure what he had to say but he had hurt in his eyes and it made me worry.

"Cas." He addressed my name as if we were acquaintances meeting after a long while. I studied him as he nodded his head and pursed his lips. After a few moments, he failed to say further.

"Are you alright?" I asked placing my hand on his shoulder concerned, but he… flinched. He looked scared and the few seconds he allowed himself to adjust into my touch gave me a few seconds to realize that there was something broken. Nothing physical, but I could feel the barrier that this man held up crumbling. My hand dropped from him as quickly as I had placed it; the comfort had turned to ice.

"Yeah Yeah… I'm alright…" He lied rubbing his eye with the base of his palm. "I just… Are you coming to Bobby's? Because I'd like you to come Cas… I would…"

I looked at him a moment and then nodded. I wanted to squeeze his hand. Just to let him know that I was here, that I still loved him. That he was safe. But his broken smile was extinguished as the flame of his candle went out; casting both our faces into shadows as the only light that illuminated us faded.

Notes: So the story's coming along :3 I hope you're enjoying! But I'm here to inform you that this story is a more than halfway over. I think?

Songs: Here Comes the Sun by The Beatles