The Secret Life of Brian

by LDEJRuff

Chapter 11 - Pop Tart

The day of the New England Music Festival had come. As per Dylan's idea, both father and son had attended, but had to watch from a tree that was far away. However, in order for Brian to be hidden so the Griffins wouldn't know he's alive, Brian had to be dressed like a baby in a carriage, and Dylan had to cross-dress like the baby's mother. Brian was unsure if this was a good idea.

"I don't know, Dylan," Brian said. "Are you sure this is a good idea? I mean, being a transvestite?"

"Sorry, Dad," Dylan shrugged. "I'm sure the hospital won't mind if you miss a day."

"Well, I gotta know if the Griffins are watching, anyway." With that, he saw through his binoculars that the Griffins were preparing to watch. Out of the family, Stewie had prepared a basket next to Rupert, with a spritzer and some cheese. "Oh, good Lord," Brian feared. "They're getting ready to watch."

At their spot, Vinny noticed what Stewie was doing.

"What you doing with that doll?" Vinny asked.

"Oh, hello, Vinny," Stewie replied. "Rupert and I are just having a spritzer and some cheese in advance of the performance."

"I wouldn't do that," Vinny disagreed.

"Why not?"

"You know, there was a guy on my old block, Johnny Chickstuff," Vinny informed. "We called him that because he used to like to, uh..."

"Do chick stuff?" Stewie guessed.

"Do chick stuff!" Vinny repeated. "Exactly. Anyway, a bunch of us got together and beat him with a grill lid and windshield wipers, and let's just say, uh, he don't do chick stuff no more."

"'Cause of the beatin's?"

"Yeah. He wasn't exactly like us, so we had to almost kill him.

"That sounds terrible," Stewie said, worried. "What happened to him?"

"I dunno," Vinny answered. "Soon thereafter, a girl in the neighborhood married a black guy, so we all kind of turned our attention to that."

Just then, Vinny's phone started vibrating.

"Oh, excuse me," he said. "I'll be back, I got a call."

With that, he walked far away from the family and answered the phone.

"Is that you, Brian?" Vinny whispered.

The screen split to show Brian in the carriage on the right side of the screen.

"Yeah," Brian answered, also whispering. "Dylan and I are also watching the festival, but at a far away distance. Dylan suggested that he be dressed as a woman in a dress, and I be dressed as a baby."

"So, you guys are going undercover, huh?"

"Yeah," Brian answered. "I just hope the Griffins don't find out."

"Well, look, I gotta go, B," Vinny replied. "The festival's about to begin. Peter and Glenn are the opening act."

"Okay," Brian whispered. "Good luck, Vin."

With that, both dogs hung up. Vinny's side expanded.

"A baby?" Vinny whispered. "I dunno if that's such a good idea."

"Ladies and gentlemen," the announcer said, beginning the opening act, "please welcome Griffin and Quagmire!"

The curtain unveiled to show Peter and Glenn with their guitars at the ready. They started playing their song.

Have you ever put butter on a Pop-Tart?

It's so frickin' good

Have you ever put butter on a Pop-Tart?

If you haven't, then I think you should

Peter sang his solo part.

I was sittin' in the kitchen

one day and I was itchin'

to fill up my belly

with the pipin' hot jelly

of the best damn treat in the world

"He's talking Pop-Tarts!" Glenn informed.

And I saw a stick of butter

and it almost made me shudder

And scream like a baby girl

The two then sang together.

I don't want a giant penis

or a rocket trip to Venus

I don't want to win the lottery

I just want to squat and gobble

Till I'm dizzy and I wobble

In a butter, fruit and dough tart dream

So I put butter on a Pop-Tart

It was so frickin' good

Have you ever put butter on a Pop-Tart?

If you haven't, then I think you should

"Everybody come along with us!" Glenn said to the audience.

Have you ever put butter on a...

"Pop-Tart!" the audience shouted.

It's so frickin' good

Yeah! Have you ever put butter on a...

"Pop-Tart!" the audience shouted again.

If you haven't, then I think you should.

"Pop-Tart!" Glenn finished.

"With butter?!" Peter added.

As the audience applauded the performance, Brian was impressed.

"Wow," Brian said. "I gotta hand it. Those two really do make beautiful music together. But I am kinda worried if they'll make their fame go to their heads."

"Oh, Dad," Dylan chuckled. "You worry too much."

The next day, back at the Flannigan house, Brian had gotten word from Vinny that Peter and Glenn have signed a deal with Sony Records, and were going to begin a two-month tour. The thing was, one of the cities they were going to visit was Los Angeles. Again, the screen was split to show Brian in the living room on the left side, and Vinny cupping a paw to the speaker on the right.

"Los Angeles?" Brian repeated. "That's where Jasper lives."

"Oh, that's right," Vinny whispered, "he's our cousin."

"Anyway," Brian continued, "I just don't like the idea that they dumped Mort. He got the two to where they are."

"I'm beginning to like what this success has done to Peter less and less."

"I know. I don't like it either."

Just then, Vinny's phone vibrated.

"Oh, excuse me," Vinny whispered. "I got another call."

With that, Vinny tapped the button on the phone screen. Speak of the devil, it was Jasper. The screen again split, this time, to show Jasper on the bottom.

"Hey, Vinny," Jasper greeted. "I just learned that Peter and Glenn are on tour."

"Hi, Jasper," Vinny replied. "We were just talking about you."

Brian froze.

"We?" Jasper repeated. "Who else is calling?"

"Oops," Vinny realized.

"H...Hi, J-J-Jasper," Brian greeted, nervously.

"Brian?" Jasper replied, a little overjoyed. "You're alive? But how? Peter and Lois told me that you got run over. I was at your funeral."

Brian sighed. "Okay, Jasper. Since you, Vinny and I are talking to each other, we must share a secret with you. Remember the inventions that Stewie works on?"

"Yeah?"

"Well," Vinny added, whispering, "Brian used one of Stewie's machines to clone himself and rented a Benz to run his clone over, so he could fake his death to be with Dylan."

"His human son?" Jasper came on. "Well, what about his mother, Tracy?"

"Comatose, Jasper," Brian informed. "That's why I'm taking care of Dylan."

"Brian, you could get in big trouble for this," Jasper said. "Sooner or later, you've got to go back to the Griffins and tell them the truth."

"I wish I could, Jasper," Brian sighed. "Besides, Summer's almost over, and Dylan started high school recently. And apart from spending momentary visits at the hospital to check on Tracy, I'm working part time at the Rite Aid. Maybe I'll retire early in December and come back to the Griffins as some sort of Christmas miracle, if Tracy regains consciousness that is."

"Okay, Brian," Jasper understood. "I'll promise to keep your secret."

"Good," replied a relieved Brian.

"Hey, Jasper," Vinny whispered, "can you forgive me as well?"

"Of course I can," Jasper replied.

"Good," Vinny smiled.

"Well, I gotta go," Jasper said. "Bye, Vin. And Brian, I'm glad to know that you're still alive. Except for Ricardo, I won't let anyone else know about your existence. I just hope Ricardo can keep the secret, too."

"Okay," Brian replied.

"Bye, Jasper," Brian and Vinny said.

With that, all three dogs hung up. Brian's side expanded.

"Well," Brian began, suddenly worried, "Jasper knows I'm alive. I just hope he doesn't spill the beans, either."