Chapter 11: Enter Dib
"Go south Dib, go south..." echoed the fading cry of a young girl in the mind of Dib, a young boy with an abnormally sized head, jagged black hair and a matching trench coat. Although it was the middle of the night at Winters Boarding Skool, Dib was wide awake, messing with an ancient looking radio-like device that included a bulky pair of headphones.
"Go south Dib, go south..." The call came again, causing Dib to jump from his radio and remove the headphones.
"It's happening, it's actually happening!" he exclaimed. "Humanity is ready to advance to the next stage of existence, and the psychic Starmen are calling me south to be the first one to be elevated!"
All of this commotion awoke Dib's roommate, a rejected boy with frizzy orange hair who is extremely absorbent and can withstand intense electrical shock. His name is Keef. "Hey Dib. What's going on?" he asked when he saw his only friend wading through a pile of half-built machines on the floor to an elaborate board of pictures and notes connected by string.
"Or maybe some kind of psychic werewolf vampire is drawing me into a trap... oh hey Keef." Dib mused quietly. He finally decided that he must investigate regardless of the personal risk, and began packing a bag of supplies.
"Are you going on some kind of trip Dib? Can I come!" Keef asked excitedly. He then spoke slower and with a far away tone. "I had a dream that we once found a magical walnut tree and spent all day playing with the squirrels that lived in it until our eyes turned into walnuts..."
While most people would have been unnerved by such behavior, Dib had grown used to his friend's bizarre mannerisms, and simply replied, "Sure, just bring that tinfoil hat I gave you for your birthday." Keef gave a thumbs up, then reached into a box marked "Dib Stuff" and pulled out said tinfoil hat.
The duo made it downstairs without incident, but as they neared the exit a bone chilling chill went down their spines. Dib and Keef turned around slowly, and came face to face with Ms. Bitters, a demonic member of the boarding school's faculty. "Just where do you think you two are going?" questioned the teacher as her eyes bored into Dib's very soul.
"Me and Dib have to go south to meet with the psychic mole people, right Dib?" Keef asked, causing Dib to look even more guilty.
Ms. Bitters continued to stare in an intense manner. Finally, she spoke, "Very well Dib, you and Keef can take a directionless, wandering walk through the cold, dark forest filled with dangerous animals. Just remember to take the hall pass." While speaking the last sentence she pointed to an old, heavy radiator with the words "Hall Pass" painted crudely in white paint. Ms. Bitters then faded into a dark mist.
"Keef, you grab the Hall Pass, I'll head into the locker room and get some stuff." Dib said before running through a nearby door. Keef grabbed the Hall Pass, and began dragging.
Five minutes later, when Dib returned, the radiator had only moved four inches. Dib had retrieved a small pop gun, a high powered bottle rocket, and a machine for opening locked doors.
Twenty minutes later, the two had gotten the Hall Pass to the Skool gates, which proved to be too tall to climb over unaided. "We could go back inside and grab that helicopter backpack you're building for science class." Dib suggested to Keef.
"I've got a better idea!" Keef exclaimed, and with all his strength, absorbency, and electrical conductivity lifted the radiator over his head. Dib jumped up onto the giant hall pass, then jumped again to clear the fence. "Go for it Dib! I believe in y-" it was at that moment that Keef's muscles gave out, and the hall pass dropped from his arms, and crushed him. "...ouch."
Dib regained his balance and surveyed the area. It was then that he noticed a cheap, 24/7 convenience store three feat away from the Skool's gates. "How long has that been there for?" Dib asked himself as he walked inside. He looked at the prices, then dug around in his pocket. "Well, I've only got $2, but I don't think I need to buy anything."
"Are you sure about that my friend?" asked someone with a heavy Indian accent. Dib looked over to see a breathing stereotype manning the store. "We have just received a shipment of this Omega-bubble bubble gum, but nobody has bought any because that noisy Monkey has been driving away my customers!" Apu explained while pointing to a monkey who's only know name was Monkey. He appeared eager to escape the store. "Would you like to buy some gum, and most definitely not a monkey?"
"Well, chewing gum is said to protect one's mind from the psychic prods of the Stonehenge Alien Bee's..." Dib replied while paying.
"Whatever you say. Here is your gum, and your free complimentary monkey!" Apu said while dumping both the gum and Monkey on the paranormal investigator. "Thank you, come again!"
Dib looked at the monkey suspiciously. "You're not an alien are you?" he asked. "Because if you're just a regular Earth Monkey, you should have no problem chewing this gum, right?" he said while offering the monkey some gum.
Monkey took the gum, and chewed it slowly. He then blew a big bubble, which lifted him partially off the ground. It eventually popped however, causing a suprised Monkey to fall to the ground.
"Well, I guess you're not an alien after all..." Dib replied while popping some gum into his mouth. He coughed for a moment then spit it out. "But this gum is terrible! And sugar free! Well, let's get going."
The Paranormal investigator and Monkey began the long cold walk south towards Stonehenge. Suddenly, Dib began to feel uneasy, and began scanning the area in a paranoid (well, MORE paranoid) manner. Suddenly, two Murkrows and a Poochyena attacked!
"Looks like it's time to fight Monkey!" Dib declared. Monkey took a gum ball and began chewing! Murkrow A pecked at Dib's eyes! "Ow ow ow!" Murkrow B stole something. "My boiled egg! You guys just think you own all the food in the world, but you don't!"
Monkey attacked! SMAAASH! Murkrow B was defeated. Dib fired the Pop Gun! Poochyena dodged quickly! Poochyena bit Dib! Murkrow A pecked at Monkey's eyes! Monkey's bubble popped!
Monkey fell to the ground and landed on his butt. The Poochyena seized the opportunity and charged at Monkey. The simian was too quick of both mind and body, however. The Poochyena ran straight into Monkey's legs, and Monkey juggled it into the air from his position on the ground. Dib took aim with his Pop Gun and fired! The Poochyena was beaten! Murkrow A ran away. Dib and Monkey won!
"Woah, that fight took a lot out of me." Dib panted wearily. "Monkey, we must find shelter!" The two trekked on through the cold and the frost, until they finally reached a collection of tents on the shore of a lake. "Hey, I know where we are! This is the Messie Watching Club, who spend all their time searching for the Loch Mess Monster!" Dib exclaimed when he saw several uniformed people milling about with binoculars.
"You be right about that laddie." came a ragged male voice with a heavy Scottish accent. The speaker was a stereotypically Scot wearing a kilt and bright red hair. "I'm groundskeeper Willie, and these loonies pay me to keep their camp all in order." he explained.
"Can me and my monkey friend stay the night? We're traveling to Stonehenge and are pretty worn out." Dib asked.
"Sure thing laddie. I just cooked up a fresh pot of haggis." Willie replied while leading Dib into a tent. He then gave the young paranormal investigator a bowl filled with stuffed, boiled, and partially liquid sheep guts.
Dib stared at the meal with moderate concern. "Is this supposed to be a liquid or a solid?" he asked.
"EAT THE SOUP OR YE'LL BE SLEEPING IN THE LOCH!" Willie exploded, causing Dib to hurriedly eat the soup.
"You know, compared to the stuff back at Skool, this isn't so bad." Dib commented once he was done. When he and Monkey left the tent, the wind had picked up, and the Messie Watchers seemed excited. "I remember reading somewhere that Messie only emerges when the wind is strong..." Dib mused.
Then, the water began to bubble, something was coming to the surface! Slowly, the flat head (which weirdly had a pink beanie and glasses) and long pink neck of Messie emerged from the Loch. After a few seconds, the creature spoke aloud. "Why do I always get these lame rolls?" in a young girl's voice.
Suddenly a fat man in a white shirt came out of nowhere and pointed a finger towards Messie. "Shut up Meg." He then promptly walked off screen.
"Well, come on you two. The script says I'm supposed to ferry you over the lake." Messie (whose name will now be shortened to Meg) spoke. Monkey and Dib climbed on her back, and Meg began swimming to the other end of the lake.
Back on the shore, Willie and the fat man, whose name was Peter, were watching the three depart. "They'll be back." Willie spoke bitterly. "Paranormal Investigators and monkeys are natural enemies. Just like the Scots and the Irish. Or the Scots and the English. Or Scots and Japanese. Or Scots and other Scots! Damm Scots." he emphasized his last statement with a shake of his fist.
"Wow, you Scots sure are an aggressive people. You know, this reminds me of that time..." Peter began to say, but was cut off when Willie punched him in the jaw.
"YOU'VE JUST MADE YOURSELF AN ENEMY!"
On the other side of the loch, Meg had finally reached the shore, allowing Dib and Monkey to disembark. She then sank back below the water without another word.
The duo continued on for a while, until they encountered a massive iron pencil blocking the way. "Okay, now this is CLEARLY the work of aliens!" Dib exclaimed. "I mean, why else would a massive iron pencil be blocking the path?" The boy felt Monkey tug on his sleeve and looked down. The simian was chattering and pointing towards a cave entrance with a sign by it.
Please enjoy my modest dungeon.
-Robot Jones.
"Well, I guess this is our only way through. Come on Monkey!" Dib exclaimed, and the two ventured in with great courage.
Inside the cavern was a series of trails, indicated by parallel rows of rocks. The thing is, the rocks are really only the size of a shoe. Not even a small baby would be unable to step over them.
Dib pondered this for a moment, then shrugged. "Well, this would be a real problem if we were in some kind of 16-bit video game, but since I've already disproved that particular theory, we can just step over the rocks!" And so they did.
About halfway through the cave, however, a strange enemy blocked our hero's path. It was a duck that was apparently wearing a black bodysuit with a large green Q attached to the forehead. The foul fowl's eyes narrowed when it caught sight of Monkey. For this is no ordinary costumed duck. It is... QUACKOR!
Instantly Monkey's body began to glow with white light, and in a flash Monkey was wearing a similar bodysuit, only his had a yellow M on the forehead and belt. Monkey then glared at Quackor, and white lasers burst from his eyes. In response, Quackor fired a similar ray from her forehead. The two beams connected halfway, leaving both deadlocked.
"I knew there was something weird about that monkey!" Dib exclaimed. He knew he had to help, but realized his puny pop gun would do no good. It was then that he noticed a gift wrapped box sitting a short distance away: running over and ripping it open with haste, Dib found a Stun Gun inside. He abandoned the Pop Gun and looked at his options.
"Only got one chance." Dib muttered before charging in. "Take this you fowl from beyond the stars!" he yelled. Once he was mere inches from Quackor, he jabbed the Stun Gun into the duck's side and pulled the trigger, sending the full force of the electric surge into the duck. In the resulting spasms, Quackor's lasers went wild, and Dib was struck numerous times. Quackor was beaten and retreated, but Dib was badly hurt.
Monkey, who was on the verge of being beaten before Dib arrived, grabbed the Paranormal Investigator by the arm and began dragging him. (If he were to fly, he would likely drop him.) As they exited the dungeon, an odd looking robot stopped them on the way out.
"Hello, my designation is Robot Jones, and I have been assigned to study human phenomenon known as Dungeon Crawling, so that one a day a superior, fully automated dungeon can be constructed. I'd give you a survey, but I can see it was a little to much for your friend here. The difficulty will be recorded and adjusted." It spoke before dinging. "Have a nice day."
Monkey continued to drag his fallen friend through another cave, using his eye lasers to blast away any foes. When they exited THAT cave, Stonehenge lay before them. Suddenly, Dib began to stir. He was waking up!
It was just then that the voice of Agent Honeydew entered Monkey's brain. "Monkey, come quick. We need you!" With one last look at his new friend, who had just gotten back on his feet, Monkey flew into the sky to combat the force's of The Darkness elsewhere.
Dib stood and watched his new buddy fly off into the sunset, until only a faint glimmer was left. "Flying Monkeys." he muttered as he began to walk again. "Not even I saw that one coming."
Dib quickly jaunted past Stonehenge. He had always wanted to investigate the odd rock formation, but he had to reach Wally and Kuki! Besides, he had a weird feeling he'd be back at some point...
What was further down the trail surprised Dib even more though: It was the laboratory of his genius father, the world renowned Professor Membrane! "And to think he was only a couple miles away these whole ten years..." Dib muttered as he walked in.
The laboratory was dark, as all power was being diverted to an experiment at the far end of the room, where electricity could be seen to sparkle behind the Professor's hunched form. "Dad... is that you?" Dib asked.
"Not now son, I'm making..." The Professor replied slowly. "TOAST!" he then exclaimed while turning around with a slice of toast in his gloved hand. "Wait a minute, you're Dib, my son! It's so good to see you after those long ten years! I'm so happy you've finally overcome your temporary insanity!" he exclaimed while hugging his son.
"Aw Dad, I knew you'd remember me." Dib replied happily. "I still have the first invention you gave me!" Dib added while pulling a rattle out of his coat. He shook it for just a second, causing a laser beam to punch a hole in the roof.
"Ah yes, the laser firing rattle." Membrane added happily. "So, is there anything you want to do to celebrate your new sanity?" he asked. "My treat."
"Actually, there is. You see, back at the Boarding Skool, I was mentally contacted by these two psychics, Wally and Kuki. They need my help, so I escaped the Skool and journeyed here with the help of a flying Monkey and the Loch Mess monster. I got knocked out by an alien duck, and got contacted again. I need to get to Threed and save them!" Dib explained in one long breath.
Professor Membrane just sighed and muttered, "Oh my poor, insane son." He spoke up, "Well, it seems the only way to cure you is to make you face reality. I've just completed my latest invention: The Sky Hog! You can fly it to Threed and see for yourself that there are no such things are psychics."
The Sky Hog was, well, a large aircraft shaped like a hog. Dib climbed in (through a side panel, mind you) and when he couldn't find the launch button, heard his father yell, "Push the "Advance FanFic Plot button. It's the big red one!" Dib finally found the button, and in a moment, was off into the sky!
As he sailed over a vast desert and vaster ocean, Dib mused over his ship's unusual shape. "Still, it could be worse. I could be flying around in a big blue police box."
Dead ahead, Threed.
A/N: First things first. I apologize about the massive delay, but I ultimately feel that it worked out for the best. Casting was a massive pain in the butt for this chapter, and the long delay was mostly to iron that out.
Keef (playing Tony) having a helicopter backpack for a science project was a reference to the fact that he shares his voice actor with Jack Spicer of Xiaolin Showdown. Ms. Bitters (Maxwell) let Dib (Jeff) and Keef roam the woods hoping wolves would eat them.
Monkey of Dexter's Lab was playing the Bubble Monkey, and his arch-rival Quackor is playing The Mad Duck, an enemy from Earthbound. They are significantly less deadly in the game.
Meg Griffin as Tessie is meant to reference her roles as the Dianago and Space Slug in the Star Wars Family Guy parodies. And of course, Professor Membrane is playing Doctor Andonuts. Such a loving father.
And of course, the Blue Police Box is a Doctor Who reference.
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