Chapter 11: Akatsuki at Cameron Highlands! (Part 4)
Fuck.
Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN THE FREAKIN' AKATSUKI!
-Next morning, Apartment 49a (8.00am)-
"…Ugh…"
Kousuke opened his eyes. Today was the day the Akatsuki would leave Cameron Highlands. He looked around. Everyone was still sleeping.
"Hey, where's Pein and Konan?"
Suddenly, he heard muffled sounds coming from the room which Izaku and Yamato slept in yesterday. He placed his ears up to the door.
"Ah, no, wait, not there, ah! You said I could{ah}be on top{ah}today!"
"Technically, you said 'tonight'. However, we did not do anything 'tonight' which was 'yesterday night'."
"You{ah}CHEAT! Aaaah!"
A moment of silence. Finally, Konan spoke up.
"I'm going to the bathroom."
"Oh, ok."
Kousuke heard someone climb off the bed. He oh-crapped.
"Oh, crap!"
Kousuke dashed to the bathroom to get his mug and toothbrush. He squeezed toothpaste on his toothbrush and filled his mug with water in record time. He was carrying his mug and toothbrush to the balcony when Konan left the room.
"Oh, ohayou, Kousuke."
"Ohayou…"
Kousuke looked away from Konan and walked to the balcony.
"?"
A moment later, Konan joined Kousuke on the balcony and they brushed their teeth in silence. Then they spat. Kousuke was able to hit a guy with his toothpaste foam.
"ACK!"
It so happened that this guy was allergic to toothpaste foam and he died. A moment of silence passed. Then, quite suddenly, they both started laughing.
"Did you see that?!"
"Yes!"
They were still laughing when they reentered the living room.
"Urgh…what's all the noise…"
Hidan had woken up. He picked up the pizza box that was on his head. They had eaten everything they had bought as well as three quarters of their remaining supplies. Kousuke walked over to him.
"Get up. Go back to your room and clean up. We're leaving today."
"Ugh…hangover…where are my clothes?"
"They're over there. You played strip poker with Itachi, remember."
"Yeah."
Hidan and Konan left.
"Blee! :D"
"?"
Kousuke looked around for the source of the blee.
"Blee! :D"
Kousuke looked up. Tobi was ducted taped to the ceiling.
"Morning Kousuke!"
"How the fuck did you get up there."
"Yeah…I can't remember, un™."
Suddenly, Deidara (who was sleeping on the floor under Sasori) woke up.
"Pay copyright, un™!"
Tobi threw 10000 Ryo at Deidara. Kousuke ripped the tape off. Tobi fell to the ground on top of Zetsu. At the same time, Sasori woke up.
"Tobi! Get off me!"
"Sorry!"
Tobi and Zetsu left the room. Sasori and Deidara went to the bathroom. Kousuke kicked Kakuzu.
"Hey, get up."
"WTF."
Kakuzu got up.
"That hurt you know."
"Yeah right. Where's Orochimaru?"
"Good question."
Kakuzu lifted the sofa. Orochimaru was sleeping under it.
"Hey, snake-for-brains, get up!"
"Hmm? Is it morning already?"
Pein opened his room door.
"Morning everyone. Where's Konan?"
"Next room."
"Ok."
Pein, Kakuzu and Orochimaru left.
"Breakfast is at nine!"
Sasori and Deidara left the bathroom.
"Hey," said Kousuke "Go see if the others are awake, they're in your room."
"Sure."
Kousuke prepared the stove for another giant breakfast.
"AAAAAHHHHH!"
"What the-"
Kousuke entered the living room in time to see a torrent of fish spill out of Itachi's room. Sasori, Deidara, Itachi, Kisame, Izaku and Yamato flowed out with the fish. Kousuke was, well, a little bit more than just furious.
"WHO-"
"Kisame did it!" exclaimed Yamato "He turned the room into an aquarium!"
""I-I-I like living in a watery environment!" blubbered Kisame.
Kousuke turned to Itachi.
"What did he do?"
"He filled the room with half a foot of water and put fish in it. It seemed fun at first but he just HAD to overdo it."
"I-I just summoned some extra fish this morning!"
"You summoned 2000!" yelled Izaku while getting fish out of his pants.
Kousuke sighed.
"Sasori, Deidara, help me in the kitchen. You four, clean out the apartment and make sure that there isn't a single trace of fish or you won't get any breakfast! The apartment has to be dry, undamaged, and NOT smell of fish. Use all the air freshener spray that Itachi bought last night."
"Hai…"
Kousuke returned to the kitchen, just in time to stop Deidara from blowing up the stove.
"DEIDARA! WHAT. ARE. YOU. DOING?!"
"I'm going to blow up the stove, un™."
Kousuke facepalmed..
"You. Go. Clean. Fish."
"But-"
"GO!"
"Yes…un™."
Deidara walked off. Kousuke started the stove while Sasori beat the eggs.
"Well, guess it's just you and me now."
"Yup."
Meanwhile, at Apartment 49-b…
-Apartment 49-b-
Hidan looked at all the trash in the room.
"Fuck, how am I supposed to clean all this?"
Kakuzu was sitting on the floor, building a money castle.
"Just throw it all off the balcony."
"Good idea, un™."
Suddenly, Deidara smashed his head through the wall.
"Pay copyright, bastard! Un™!"
Hidan threw 10000 Ryo at Deidara.
"Un™."
Deidara's head left, leaving a sizable hole in the wall.
"Great," said Hidan while throwing rubbish. "How am I supposed to fill that hole?"
Kakuzu was now folding money paper cranes.
"Get Konan's help."
"Good idea. Konan!"
"Yeah?"
"I need some help here!"
Konan left her room, her head wrapped in a towel.
"Fill this hole with paper."
"What happened?" asked Konan as she repaired the wall.
"Deidara stuck his head through the wall after I said…'His Word'."
"Oh, you mean U-"
"Don't say it!" yelled Hidan. He looked around. "If you do, Deidara will randomly appear out of nowhere and demand copyright fees!"
"Oh, ok."
Hidan threw another handful of trash off the balcony.
"I'll never get rid of all this in time. I got it! TOBI!"
Tobi ran out of his room.
"Yeah?"
"Throw all of the trash in this room off the balcony!"
"Hai, un™!"
"NO DON'T SAY IT!"
Suddenly, as Tobi was throwing rubbish off the balcony at Mach 3, Deidara fell through the ceiling with a crash, leaving a Deidara-shaped hole in the ceiling.
"Pay copyright, retard! Un™."
Tobi threw 10000 Ryo at Deidara. Deidara left the room. Hidan sighed.
"Konan?"
"On it."
Suddenly, someone knocked on the door. Hidan opened the door. An angry man stood in the corridor.
"Are you the one in charge here?"
"I guess so."
"Ok. Look, you can't just throw rubbish and fish off the balcony! It's rude and unhygienic, not to mention…"
As the man rambled on, Hidan grew madder and more stressed out. Finally, he snapped.
"THAT'S IT. THIS IS FOR YOU, JASHIN-SAMA!"
"Hey-what-AAAHHH!"
Hidan pulled out his scythe and started a Jashin ritual in the corridor.
"JASHIN-SAMA!"
-Apartment 49a-
Itachi and Deidara were throwing fish off the balcony, Izaku and Kisame were cleaning and drying the room while Yamato was spraying copious amounts of air freshener on everything.
"This sucks, un™."
"Yeah."
"Wait, I have an idea, un™!"
"What?"
"Wait here, un™."
Deidara left and returned with Tobi. Itachi smiled.
"Deidara…for an idiot…you are a genius."
'Thanks, un™."
"Deidara-senpai, what it is?"
"Tobi, if you throw all these fishes off the balcony, I'll give you a cookie."
"YAY! COOKIE! BLEE! :D"
Tobi started throwing fish off the balcony at Mach 5.
"That was simple," said Itachi "Now let's get out before-"
"I CAN SEE YOU TWO!" yelled Izaku "Get your butts in here and start cleaning!"
"…fuck."
"Dibs on the air freshener, un™!"
"HEY!"
-Apartment 49a, 9.00am-
Everyone was seated for breakfast. Kousuke angermarked.
"Hidan…why are you dripping in blood?"
"I held a Jashin ritual in the corridor.
"Hidan…Now, go take a bath, change your clothes and clean off all the blood from the floor."
"But…"
"Go."
"But…"
"NOW."
"…fuck me."
Hidan dashed out. Kousuke sighed.
"Well that's over. Now, itadakimasu."
They started eating. 7 minutes later, Hidan returned, completely clean.
"7 minutes?!" exclaimed Kousuke. "Kisame, check for blood."
Kisame sniffed the air.
"Not a single drop."
Kousuke turned to Hidan, who was now drinking blood tea.
"How did you clean up all that blood in 7 minutes?!"
"I had the help of JASHIN-SAMA."
"Whatever."
"THANK YOU JASHIN-SAMA!"
Breakfast proceeded in a very un-random way. Breakfast ended. Kousuke looked at his watch.
"Well, it's time to pack up! Go and pack your stuff. Make sure you pack everything. We will not turn back for anything you forget!"
Hidan, Kakuzu, Tobi, Zetsu, Orochimaru, Konan and Pein returned to their apartment. Sasori opened the door.
"I'll go start the bus."
"No," said Kousuke "You pack your stuff first, then take them down with you as you go to the bus."
"Damn."
"KISAME!"
"What Itachi?"
"Why are there a dozen oysters in my bag?!"
"Oh…um…blee! :D"
Deidara walked over and ate one of them.
"Yum, tasty, un™."
After packing his things, Kousuke went to the kitchen.
"Looks like we have enough snacks and drinks to last us the trip back."
Kousuke started packing the food. But when he opened the fridge, half a dozen birds flew out.
"…WTF."
-Apartment 49b-
Zetsu looked in his bag.
"Has anyone see my snacks?"
"What snacks?" asked Pein.
"The live birds I caught earlier."
"You consider live birds as snacks?"
"Yes."
"Oh. In that case, no."
They watched as Tobi ran past and threw himself off the balcony.
"Blee! :D"
"…"
"…"
-Apartment 49a-
Kousuke straightened up.
"There, all done.
"Kousuke had just randomly threw all the food into two boxes. The drinks were kept in an icebox. Sasori was already waiting in the bus.
"Oh, there they are. Itachi, Kisame!"
'What?"
"Help me carry there boxes down to the bus.""
"Ok," answered Kisame.
"…do I have to?" questioned Itachi.
"Yes."
"…fine."
They were walking down the stairs when they suddenly stopped.
"What Kisame?" snapped Itachi.
"There's a table in my way."
"What. Why."
Kousuke shrugged.
"I guess the author ran out of ideas."
-Somewhere else-
The author headdesked.
"I'm running out of ideas…"
-Back-
Itachi looked irritated. He was.
"Are you sure it's a table and not something your retarded fish brain cooked up?"
Kisame tilted his head.
"You're right…it looks more like a fridgable."
Itachi faceboxed.
"That's it, I've had it, AMATERASU."
The fridgable was set alight by black fire and took 209 damage. It screamed in agony as it died.
"AAAAHHHHH! OH GOD, WHY?! WHY! WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS! OH, THE PAIN! THE PAIN!"
"Because fuck you, that's why."
Finally, the fridgable was turned to ash. At that moment, Pein randomly appeared.
"Did someone call me?"
"Nope."
"K."
He disappeared.
"…let's go, Kisame."
"Aye."
-Somewhere nearby-
Hidan and Kakuzu were walking around when they reached a large tree. They saw a bees' nest in the tree.
"I hate bees," said Hidan.
"Why?"
"Since when do people need a reason to hate something?"
"Good call. That explains why I hate you so much."
"Whaaat? Say that again you-aaaah, fuck it, whatever."
And for some reason, Hidan decided to vent his anger by kicking the tree. And as expected, after a few kicks, the bees' nest fell and stuck on Hidan's head.
"Ah," said Hidan.
"Ah," said Kakuzu.
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" screamed Hidan.
Kakuzu watched in mild amusement as Hidan ran around screaming and trying to get the nest off his head.
"AAAHHH! THE BEES! THE BEES! JASHIN SAVE ME!"
Sensing an opportunity to make money, Kakuzu pulled out his video camera and recording mic.
"I might be able to make some money out of this."
-Later, the Akatsuki Bus-
Finally, after much chaos and randomness, everyone was in the bus and all the luggage was loaded. Hidan had quite a few lumps on his face from his mishap. He was vigorously applying bee cream to his face while moaning.
"The bees…the bees…"
Meanwhile, Kousuke stood at the front of the bus.
"Well, looks like all of us are safe and sound."
"Hey, what about me?!" exclaimed Hidan.
"You're a zombie, you don't count."
"Goddammit."
"Well then, it's time to head back! To wherever-the-hell-the-Akatsuki-base-is located!"
"YAY!"
And thus, Sasori drove off, and the Akatsuki happily went back to their base. The end.
Yeah right, like as though I would just end it like that. Time to fuck things up.
-Halfway down the mountain-
By this point, most of the Akatsuki were quite tired, seeing as they caused chaos for three days straight. But they wouldn't let a small thing like that stop them from making them cause more chaos, wouldn't they?
"Hmm…un™?"
Deidara was taking a nap and had just woken up. And the second he opened his eyes, he was face to face with an enormous snake. After a few seconds of staring, he let out the girliest scream you could ever imagine.
"KYAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
"Wh-What?!" yelled Kisame, falling out of his chair. "What happened, Deidara?!""
"There's a snake! Un™!"
"So what? It's just- OH GOD WHAT IS THAT IN MY PANTS."
And the whole bus started rocking from the Akatsuki members trying to frantically escape the snakes.
"MY JASHIN WHAT THE HELL?!"
"Snakes are friends, snakes are friends, I love Sasuke, Sasuke loves snakes, so I love snakes…help…"
"Noooo! Tobi is a good boy! Don't eat Tobi! Tobi tastes very bad! NOOOO! TOBI'S BUTTHOLE IS A VERY BAD PLACE!"
"Pein! Save me!
"Wh-What? Sna-grflbldmfgl" as a snake tried to enter Pein's mouth.
"GODDAMMIT SHIRLEY I CAN DRIVE ON MY OWN GET OFF THE-NO DON'T PRESS THAT!"
One of the snakes accidentally pressed a button, which so happened to activate all seventeen of the Akatsuki Bus' rocket engines.
"…shit."
And in one massive burst of purple and red fire which decimated the cars directly behind it, the bus gracefully propelled itself over the guardrail and into the air, as gracefully as a bus could. What an amazing sight it was, spectacular enough to become the Eleventh Wonder of the World. However, good times do not last forever and soon enough, the rocket engines ran out of fuel. Just as gracefully as it took flight, the bus plummeted like a dead sheep.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Fortunately for the Akatsuki, the bus landed upright on a portion of the road at a lower part of the mountain. The bus took no damage, for the Akatsuki had learnt their lesson when the previous bus exploded and decided to build an indestructible one. Inside the bus however, everyone inside it had passed out. All except one. Sitting calmly in his seat, Orochimaru smiled.
"Snakes on a Bus, coming to theatres near you."