I'm looking forward to seeing what you all think of this chapter :) there are a whole bunch of emotions getting thrown around in the last half so enjoy! ;)
Weeks had gone by and there was still no sign of her shepherd. She had heard nothing in the palace of king George's or king Midas' endeavors and Ruth had heard nothing on the farm either. She was starting to get anxious, "do you think he's alright?" She asked quietly.
Ruth nodded as she peeled an apple, "yes I think he's perfectly alright," she smiled and looked up at Regina who cut off a small slice of her apple and slid it in to her mouth. Her attention was caught by Rocinante dropping her head inside the door. Ruth smirked when the horse looked at her and then turned one ear to Regina's back before taking a cautious step inside and stretching her neck down to the sack of apples by the leg of the table between her and Regina's feet.
The mare couldn't reach the sack and when she took another step in to the house Ruth started to laugh quietly when the apples were just out of reach. She had grown quite fond of her mare, she was quite the character and she knew exactly what she was doing and she knew it wasn't allowed. Her ears were fixed on Regina's back and she inched forward, careful not to get in to her peripheral. Ruth wanted to see if she could in fact get away with it.
Slowly Regina was brought from her thoughts on James to the sound of Ruth laughing quietly to herself and she paused her process of peeling a new apple in a perfect spiral. When the knife stopped cutting she could hear the familiar sound of a horse smacking their lips together in an attempt to grab something.
The very second the sound registered in her head she slammed both knife and apple on the table as she spun around, "Rocinante!" She scolded loudly and unsuccessfully bit back a grin when all four legs jumped off the ground and then spread out underneath her and her neck stuck out straight. With her back half out the door and her neck outstretched her muzzle was just within arms length of Regina, "what do you think you're doing?!" The mare didn't move and Ruth was trying hard to stifle a laugh, "get out!"
Ruth began laughing hysterically when the horse swiveled her ears toward the door, acknowledging Regina's demand but not following it until Regina leapt from her seat in a threat. She quickly backed out, her legs scrambling underneath her until she stood outside the door and snorted.
"She's like a child!" Regina dropped back in to her seat with a laugh.
Ruth pointed to the door and continued to laugh, "look at that face!"
"Puppy dog eyes don't work on me Rocinante," she laughed without even looking at the door and she heard her hooves reposition her with soft thuds on the grass, "we are busy. Stop trying and go away," she laughed and picked up her knife again.
Ruth chuckled as the mare hung her head just outside the door and nickered softly, "awe come on Regina! I can't do it!"
"Just don't look at her," Regina laughed under her breath in amusement.
"No I can't," she whined and glanced at Regina before tossing an apple out the door much to the horse's delight.
"Ruth!"
"I couldn't help myself!"
Regina shook her head and focused back on her apple, "she isn't going to leave you alone now," she smirked as she listened to the sound of Rocinante chewing the apple.
"Look she's so happy now," Ruth laughed as Regina shook her head with a smile and continued to peel the apple. She reached down and plucked up another apple from the sack, "you sure it's going to be alright we use these apples?"
"It's my tree, I can do what I please with the apples it produces," she smiled and shrugged, "besides the fact that you have never had an apple pie is not even funny."
"Well sorry it's not like I've been busy do other things or anything," Ruth teased and nudged Regina's leg with her foot causing her to laugh. It was a wonder how far she had come since the first time they had met and she could barely look her in the eye and flinched every time she had moved. Now she sat perfectly relaxed and laughing while teaching her how to make an apple pie.
"Where did you learn to make pie?" She watched the younger woman's hands handle the knife with great skill and ease, "I'm going to assume it wasn't your mother."
Regina shook her head and laughed softly, "no it most certainly was not my mother," she raised her eyebrows and kept her eyes on the knife, "I befriended a woman in our kitchen when I was younger and she taught me how to cook. Mother didn't approve and she was let go the day after she found out. Ladies don't cook apparently. Proper ladies aren't allowed to do much as it turns out," Regina looked up at Ruth and forced a smile to take off the edge of her bitter tone.
Ruth was not fooled by her smile in the slightest. It didn't reach her eyes. When her dark eyes dropped back down to her apple Ruth sighed quietly through her nose and frowned. Poor woman didn't have a friend in the world except for Rocinante and now her and James, "kitchen hands and stable boys," she smiled lightly, "sounds as though you were living a life as queen."
Regina kept her hands moving consistently around her apple and she kept her eyes following the knife as a small smile played on her lips, "I couldn't have very well married up if I was queen now could I?"
"No," Ruth shook her head, "no I suppose not."
"Ah," Regina grinned victoriously and held up a perfect spiral of an apple peel and it bounced in the air off her knife, "look at that," she laughed softly.
Ruth shook her head through a laugh, "show off."
...
"Now what?"
"Now," Regina pushed down the last corner of a section of lattice styled crust on the top of the pie, "we bake it," she smiled and lifted pie and waited for Ruth to open the door to the small wood burning oven. She slid it in to rest above the hot coals and dusted the flour from her hands, "and now we wait."
"What do we do with these peels and cores Ms Regina?" She motioned playfully to the small bucket they had dropped them in as they needed.
Regina picked up the pail and spun on her way to the door, "I'm sure your new best friend would love them," she smirked and Rocinante peered around the corner and walked cautiously toward Regina.
Ruth laughed as Rocinante snorted at the bucket and Regina simply switched hands so the bucket perched on her other hand further from the horse, "don't be such a tease," she scolded playfully and walked out the door past the laughing brunette, "I'll be right back."
"Alright," she chuckled and pulled out two of her spiral peels before placing the bucket on the grass for Rocinante to eat. As the mare put her head down Regina bent down and placed a peel on each of her ears, "beautiful," she laughed and brought a hand to her mouth to stifle a louder laugh as her ears swiveled and the peels bounced.
She shook her head and sighed with amusement, "I'd like to see you get those off," she chuckled lightly when her ears moved again and she lifted her head toward the sound Rocinante was listening to. It was Ruth talking to a man. Two men. Her brow furrowed lightly in concern and she peaked around the corner of the house to find her talking to two of her royal guards. Not hers personally but they worked under her and Leopold's command.
At the sight of them she pivoted back around the corner so as not to be seen. Needless to say she didn't want them to recognize her. She leaned against the house and took a deep breath as she tried to tune in on what they were saying.
"I don't have the money to spare right now, please just give me a little more time, my son will be back in a few days, he will have the money and then some to cover any other interest you or the royal family so desire to place on the amount."
"Ma'am this property will be taken by the royal family if you do not pay."
"There must be some way to buy more time," Ruth insisted as she spoke with her hands moving, "just claim that you missed us, assumed someone else came instead, we weren't home, anything!" She watched them desperately as they stood unmoving. Something caught the shorter one's eye over her shoulder and he looked back at her and grinned.
The shorter one spoke as the taller one focused on whatever was behind her, "I'm sure we can make something happen," he nodded toward the house.
Ruth turned to see Regina walking up to her and she turned back around absolutely furious, "absolutely not!"
"Just one night," the shorter one lifted a finger between them, "one night alone with her. I've always had a thing for brunettes. Especially the pretty ones that lace their dresses so fantastically tight," he moved both his hands in a manner that drew an hourglass shape in the air.
Ruth glared at him, her mouth open in disgust. She stepped forward aggressively and hissed at him, "you will not lay a hand on that girl you filthy pig! Get off my property!" She snarled and became confused when the fear of God himself was suddenly present in both of the men, especially the shorter one. Surely she didn't do that.
Regina placed a hand on Ruth's shoulder but did not look at her when she looked up at her. She tossed her men a small bag of gold that she had magically summoned while behind the house, "this should suffice and there is more than enough in there so I do not want to see you or hear that either of you were here until that money is gone understood?"
"Yes y-"
She cut them off quickly before they could finish addressing her, "now leave. And so help me if you say or do anything more than 'good day' and turn around and walk away I will make your lives a living hell," she looked at both men sternly, her hand still placed protectively on Ruth's shoulder. The two men stood stiff, scared to move or speak. Knowing the longer they stood there the easier it would be for someone to slip up she raised her eyebrows expectantly, "good day," she pushed her head forward as she watched them scramble between habits and orders.
"Good day."
"Good day."
Without a nod or any further gesture both men, one tall one short, all but ran off in the direction they had come. With a quiet sigh Regina tapped a finger on Ruth's shoulder thoughtfully before letting her hand fall back to her side and turning to walk off. She knew Ruth was going to follow her and demand an explanation but she just needed a few seconds to gather her thoughts before she slipped herself.
Ruth stared at the empty space the two men had occupied as she made work of processing what had just happened. She turned with her lips parted in a silent objection as Regina walked away and sat down in the grass hugging her knees. Ruth glanced back over her shoulder to where the men had left before she turned and walked toward Regina.
"Regina," she sat down next to her with her legs tucked beside her and asked very quietly, "who are you dear?" She watched her carefully, catching the way the muscles in her temples moved and she clenched and unclenched her jaw in contemplation before bowing her head.
"I can't tell you that," she spoke sadly and lifted her head, turning it to look at Ruth, "please don't ask me again. I don't want to lie to you and the knowledge of who I am...I don't want you to get hurt because of me."
Ruth opened her mouth and breathed in to object but she closed her mouth and let the air go at the desperate pleading look she gave her. Reluctantly she nodded, "alright," and the girl relaxed significantly.
"Thank you," she breathed out and looked out down the hill.
"Why did you pay them? So much too, why so much?"
Regina shook her head subtly and dropped her head down a fraction as she looked at Ruth, "they weren't going to leave without some sort of payment and king George isn't going to hold up his end of the deal until James succeeds or dies trying. I didn't feel like counting it," she laughed lightly, "it'll just keep them off your back for a long time."
"You didn't have to do that Regina. I could have figured something out."
"Ruth you have been a mother to me, I couldn't just stand there and watch you struggle. It's only money, it's the very least I could do for all you've done for me. I can't even begin to try and return the favor."
"It's not only money Regina, and that was a lot of money," she spoke seriously but it didn't affect Regina.
She shook her head, "I wish I could have paid them more," she said honestly.
"I can't accept that money," she spoke softly.
"Why do you think I didn't ask you?" Regina smiled gently as she looked at Ruth. Her mouth was set in a conflicted line and her eyes moved quickly between her own steady dark ones, "I know quite well you would never accept any money from me no matter how much you needed it. You're stubborn," she smiled warmly, "so I didn't even try."
Ruth kept her face set tightly, grateful that she had done it of course but she didn't want to trouble her with her own problems. She didn't want her to take care of them, she had so much to carry already. Eventually she released a tense breath and softened her features, "well thank you," she said quietly and Regina's smile brightened, "I will pay you back."
Regina shook her head once more, "I wish you wouldn't," she let go of her knees and leaned back on her hands when they reached the grass.
"You have a good heart Regina," she watched curiously as Regina bowed her head with a sad smile as though she was willing herself to believe it were true. Ruth didn't understand why she would think otherwise but she felt it was not something she would be willing to open up to her about it yet. She looked over her shoulder once more and asked, "what was that? You were very...different," she turned her head back to Regina and the girl was looking directly at her.
"I wanted them to go away."
"You scared them."
Regina shook her head and looked past Ruth, "no I just don't think they expected to see me here."
"Dear please don't make me ask."
Regina nodded and averted her eyes to the ground, "they did as I asked because the king respects me and my opinion and they knew that I could very well make their lives difficult if I so desired."
So many questions poured in to her head but she knew Regina would not answer even half of them. She figured she could start with the most obvious, "you know the king?"
There was a long pause as Regina worked out how to word it, "not particularly the word I would choose but yes in its simplest form I do know the king. He is a good man but we are far from close," there was another pause as she contemplated telling her more. She tapped her fingers on the ground and decided she may as well cover Snow as well, "Snow White is nice too, very friendly. I believe she'll get everything she wants out of this world because of it. She really is as beautiful as they all say," she risked a smile toward Ruth.
"The queen, however," she paused for a moment and looked out at the sheep ahead of them, "she doesn't seem like she fits...she most certainly isn't happy, I mean, I know better than anyone what an empty smile looks like," she cleared her throat gently and dropped her chin to look at her knees.
...
"Leopold?"
He jumped slightly and turned to the voice, "Regina. I didn't hear you come in."
Regina shrugged, one of the perks of magic, "may I have a go at picking a guard to ride with me this afternoon? Previous ones have proved to be rather a bore," that was true but she had another agenda. She needed to get the taller guard somewhere private. She felt confident that the shorter one would remain quiet , he couldn't very well tell anyone without bringing up the compromise he had offered Ruth and trying to bed the queen did not exactly go unpunished. She would confirm it of course with the taller one that his smaller and less than respectable companion would keep quiet.
Leopold shifted his weight and held his hands in front of him as he looked over the young woman, "yes of course," the words came out more suspiciously than he intended and she scoffed quietly and bitterly.
"I am not going to go anywhere, you've made it quite clear that I can't. If I was going somewhere I wouldn't have stopped by to hint at it," her top lip was curled back in a snarl and her face creased with frustration as her hands moved in angered gestures. As soon as she said it she closed her eyes and shook her head, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap."
Leopold nodded slowly as he walked up to her, "I understand."
Regina sighed and closed her eyes as she replied sadly in a near whisper, "no. No you really don't," when she opened her eyes Leopold was standing in front of her. There was still that soft kindness to him but it was tainted now. Tainted with something akin to pity as well as the sad frustration of not being able to fix her slow suffering. She didn't like being looked at like she was broken and there was nothing to do to fix her.
She wasn't broken, not yet, she was unhappy and she was angry. She didn't belong there, she didn't want to be there. She was growing tired of being looked at through his eyes. She wanted to be looked at through her shepherd's eyes. Warm, friendly, strong blue eyes that put her at ease rather than making her want to scream.
She knew he meant well but she couldn't stand it any longer, "stop it!" She cried accusingly and retracted within herself.
He furrowed his brow and shook his head slightly in confusion at the sudden outburst, "stop what?"
"Looking at me like that! You can't make this better! So stop looking at me like you're trying to figure out some puzzle with no solution!" Her voice started to shake in her desperate plea, "I am not some puzzle for you to solve! I am an unhappy and lonely human being who just wants someone to love her," her last few words came out in an exhausted breath and her hands laid flat, palms up and moving on every word.
"Regina," he moved to hold her upper arms but she ducked her head and quickly shrugged out of the contact.
"No! Stop looking at me like that!" She shouted desperately and put her hands up in front of her as she backed away a few steps and pushed her eyes shut to keep the tears from coming. He remained silent with his hands outstretched toward her and her own hands started to shake with the effort it took to keep herself from crying.
After a painfully long moment of silence Regina brought her right hand up to her mouth and shook her head quickly as she backed away, keeping her eyes closed until she turned around and walked away quickly, almost jogging. After all these years she was finally starting to snap. She imagined that finding she was capable of love and that someone was capable of loving her back but then no being allowed to act on it sped up the process significantly.
"Regina!"
She ignored the concerned call of Leopold behind her and continued forward without slowing down, if anything she sped up.
"Regina," he caught her wrist and she turned to face him and he held it despite her pulling to get it free, "Regina you are not okay!"
"Of course I'm not okay! I just told you that I am not okay!" A dry and humorless laugh was pushed from her and her arm hung limp in his hand, "in all the years I've lived here I have never once been okay!"
"Regina please, I can't stand seeing you like this, let's try and figure something out."
"There is nothing to figure out Leopold," she whispered coldly and ripped her wrist from his grasp, "you and I don't and never will love each other and there is nothing either of us can do about it," the cold was replaced with a heartbreaking truth.
"What is-"
"Stop looking at me like that!" She all but screamed at him, not noticing that Snow had walked up behind her father. She hadn't heard her start to speak when she had cut her off, she was distracted by the look in Leopold's eyes. The look that only seemed to be magnified the longer she looked. She felt like she was completely losing her mind. Without warning she spun around and quickly walked away.
Leopold took half a step forward before Snow stopped him, "what is going on?"
"I don't know she can't even look at me, she's unhappy and lonely and she can't stand the way I look at her that is all I could get from her," he motioned toward Regina as she retreated. Before he could say another word Snow was running down the hall after her.
Regina had the advantage wearing her riding clothes but Snow caught up quickly, holding up the skirt of her simple yellow gown as she ran, "Regina!"
"Not now Snow," she warned as she rounded the corner.
"Regina what is going on?"
"I said not now Snow!" She spun around and yelled furiously at the girl.
Snow stopped dead, Regina's eyes reflecting a similar deep purple of the coat she wore. Before she could fully comprehend the odd colour it was gone and the brown that remained softened into an unmistakeable fear that spread over her entire face. She opened her mouth to say something but Regina beat her to it.
"I'm sorry," her voice cracked shakily and she backed away from Snow, terrified of what she could have just done to the girl. She didn't want to hurt anyone, the frightening day dreams were bad enough but now she had almost followed through and that scared her, "what is happening to me?" She whispered to herself, not aware that she had said it out loud as she stared wide eyed at Snow.
"Mother nothing is wrong with you," she tried to calm her down with a slow and soothing tone despite feeling the strong urge to run.
"I nearly killed you!" She exclaimed loudly, unable to stop the panic from entering her voice as she continued to back away. She collided with a small table decorating the hall sending its contents flying to the floor with a loud crash and she gasped and spun to get away from it but hit her back against the wall instead. Shaking, she sank to the floor and pulled her knees up to her chest as she looked off in to nothing with her fingers resting anxiously on her mouth while the other arm laid across her stomach to try and calm its twisting, "where am I?"
Snow approached her cautiously and crouched in front of her, "you're in the palace mother," she placed her hands on Regina's knees and tried to ease her shaking. Her eyes glanced her way but she wasn't all there.
"No, me," she whispered, "where am I?"
Snow watched the tears pool in her dark eyes before she looked away in to nothing again. She wasn't asking where she was physically, she was trying to find where she had lost herself. Snow had no answer, nothing to comfort her frightened and distressed mother. But she stayed on the floor and rubbed her thumbs over the knees of the quivering woman who had always been so strong and resilient in her eyes.
Neither of them said a word and neither of them moved aside from the shaking and the comforting movement of fingers. Regina had her head turned to look at something that wasn't there, trembling fingers resting on her bottom lip. Snow desperately wanted to know what she was thinking about but she knew better than to ask and she remained silent as she gently studied her.
Slowly her shaking began to stop and became isolated to her hands and even they weren't shaking as much as they used to be. Snow lowered her head to rest her chin on Regina's knees and her hands slid to hold the sides of her legs, thumbs still moving in slow comforting circles. Regina snapped her head straight and dropped her hand to lay on her other one over her stomach as she looked right at her as though she was startled by the change in contact.
Snow held her gaze steadily, trying to give her something to depend on, trying to let her know that she didn't have to be alone. It seemed to hit a nerve and her eyes started to well up with tears once again. Neither one of them broke eye contact despite the conflict that clearly flooded her mother.
That is how she wanted to be looked at. She didn't want it to be Snow who did it though. Anyone but Snow. It made her feel guilty. She didn't want to hate her but it hurt her, physically hurt her, to love the younger girl despite how much she wished it wouldn't. Maybe it would have been easier if the gentle blue of Daniel's eyes didn't look back at her from the girl that caused his death. Almost everyday she had to look into that blue and every time she did she was reminded that she would never see him again. How could she even begin to try and move on if she was constantly reminded by the girl that killed him that he was never coming back.
Her shepherd's eyes were blue but they were different, always changing and yet they were always familiar. Her hands started to shake once more and her lips parted in a silent plea for some understanding on why she had to be hurt so much in what was really so short a period. She had a nagging feeling that she didn't have much of a chance of it getting much better. Past experience. Perhaps she was just not destined for happiness.
The thought made her heart throb and her throat tighten and when Snow turned her head so that the side of her face rested on her knees Regina could not stop the tears from finally falling silently down her cheeks. Even though it hurt, Regina lifted her hand and gingerly brought her fingers to the girl's hairline and gently pushed her hair behind her ear and repeated the motion, every time she did it hurt a little more.
She did it to try again, try one more time to see if trying to love her would hurt any less but it only seemed to hurt more. When Snow wrapped her arms around her bent legs Regina brought her free hand back up to her mouth only now she covered it entirely and her fingers stopped moving through Snow's hair but remained resting on her head as she squeezed her eyes shut to keep herself from crying even more.
She was truly grateful for Snow's silence, she didn't want to talk, she didn't even know if she could her throat was so tight and thick with sorrow and guilt. A mother should be able to love her children even if they weren't hers. She couldn't keep living like this, it was going to ruin her.
Snow couldn't remember the last time Regina let her hold her this long and never once had she allowed her to try and comfort her. She had so many questions regarding her current state but she wouldn't dare ask any now. Not when Regina was breaking down, not when she was obviously hurting, not while she let her hold her, not while she trailed her fingers over her hair trying so hard to find it in herself to love her back. She wouldn't dare do anything but be still and hope that maybe things could change between them, that maybe, just maybe, they could find a way back to the way they were before she married her father.