Family Ties
Chapter 11: Learning the truth
"Hello Emily." My big brother says.
I stare at him in silence. Then I manage to whisper his name. Is he really standing before me? Get a hold of yourself, my mind desperately screams at me. "What are you doing here?" I don't sound as steady as I'd like to sound.
"I came to see you." He just says.
"I thought you were in the..." I don't say the word.
He shakes his head. "Not anymore. They released me a few months ago. I'll never now why, after all those years, but they told me I can go and I'm very glad. I traveled around some and thought about my life a lot and I came to the conclusion that I want to see my sisters, make peace with you, Emily, just talk."
Sisters huh? You only got one now, brother. But I can't tell him that now, I can't tell him anything now.
"Listen, Thomas, I'm in a hurry." I point at the coat I'm already in. "Let me think about this ok? Do you stay in a hotel? You could give me your number and I call you when I'm ready to talk." I say "when" not "if" because deep down I know I want to talk to him. I want answers why he did it, I want answers what happened afterwards, what Hopie and I never managed to learn because our own mother cut us off from any information.
"I'm staying in a small Inn a couple of kilometers away. It's called..."
Oh no, I think even while he is talking, please don't say the word, please don't let it be...
"...the Dragonfly." He says.
I had that one coming, I really should have known it. When things like these happen the level of complication always rises by the minute.
"I can give you the number." He offers me.
I snort. "I know the number of that inn." By heart, I could add.
"Oh, you've been there?"
Do I tell him the truth? Thomas has never seen Lorelai. Lorelai doesn't even know her uncle still lives, I'm not even sure if she remembers that I once told her I had a brother, who is dead now. On the other hand, as chatty as Lorelai is, when Thomas would mention he had a sister in Hartford and Lorelai would say "Oh my parents live there", and one thing would lead to another...that would be a bad way to find out – for both of them.
"I've been there Thomas. Listen...my daughter runs that inn." I confess.
He's speechless for a moment. "Your daughter?" He asks incredulously. I nod. "Tall, dark hair, blue eyes?" I nod again. "Oh." He makes.
"Yes and there is one more problem. She doesn't know that you still live."
He raises his eyebrows but then gives a weak smile. I haven't seen my brother smile in over forty years.
"I can't blame you for not telling her, I guess. So what do you wanna do? She doesn't have to know, that's alright with me."
"No, I want her to know. But I have to tell her." I insist.
"Of course, Emily, I'll be silent."
Good. Now how do I manage to get rid of him, drive to Inn and see Lorelai, without him seeing Isabelle? In that moment she begins to cry. Too late.
"Oh you've got a baby there Emily?"
"Um yes." What do I do?
"Your grandchild?" He wants to know.
I quickly think. Why not?
"Yes." I lie. "And I've got to bring her back to her mother now."
"Of course."
I get Isabelle and close the door.
"So you will call me?" He asks, already walking towards his car.
"I will." I promise. He seems to think of something and comes a few steps closer to me again.
"Can I see the baby?"
I pull back the blanket a bit and let him take a look.
"She looks a lot like you." He says. "Your daughter is more Richard though."
I nod. "I know."
"Still there is something in her which reminded me of you." He tells me and I don't know if it's a sweet lie or the truth. There is not much of me in Lorelai but sometimes I can see it too.
"She's your only child?" He asks when I put Isabelle's carrier in the car.
"Yes." I walk around the car and stand by the door for a moment.
"She's lovely." He tells me and smiles again.
I manage to smile back at last, a small smile of approval. "Yes she is."
"I'll drive a bit around Hartford now, I guess. I'll see you soon?" He's still unsure.
"You will." I promise again and watch him drive away, before I start my own way to Stars Hollow. To confess to my lovely daughter that I lied to her for the last 38 years.
When I arrive at the Dragonfly, Lorelai's on the phone and tipping wildly into the computer. She looks very businesslike and a small wave of pride overcomes me. She looks up for a moment and discovers me. She smiles and waves and I give her a small wave back. I'm a bit nervous. We've just come to better terms and now I have to tell her that her "dead" uncle is very much alive. She finishes her phone call and steps to me from behind the counter.
"Hey Mom." She says and then awkwardly bends to kiss me on the cheek. I smile. We will have to get accustomed to that touching thing again.
"Hello Lorelai." I greet her. She takes the baby carrier from me and puts it on a table.
"And who do we have here? We're going to have so much fun, honey." She tells Isabelle, who shrieks delightedly when Lorelai tickles her.
I fidget with my hands. What do I say?
"Lorelai..."I begin but drift off. She looks at me expectantly.
"Yes, Mom?" She asks.
I work up my courage. "You have a guest here, a man called Thomas Johnson."
"Um, let me look, yes he stays here. Why, do you know him?"
I nod, trying to look casually
"Wait, he stays in room fifteen, ah I remember, seemed to be a nice guy, not that we talked much. How do you know him?" She thinks Thomas is an old friend or colleague of her father and me, there's no doubt about that. I decide to just spit it out. I take a deep breath.
"He's my brother." I confess. She stares at me in silence. "My big brother." I continue. She still stares. "Your uncle."
"I didn't know I had an uncle." She says, her voice unreadable.
"I told you I had a brother." Maybe I could just pretend that she forgot.
"You told me he were dead." She hasn't forgotten.
"Well he was dead in a way." I defend myself.
"And now he's alive again. " She states, matter-of-factly.
"Yes."
We're silent again. She looks at me, her eyes boring into mine. Finally she says: "An explanation is following swiftly, I hope."
"I can't tell you much more. He stood on our doorstep this morning. He told me he wanted to talk and that he stays here. But I had to go and I'd call him." I explain.
"But why did you tell me he was dead? Where has he been the last forty years?" She's getting a bit angry now.
"That's a long story, Lorelai."
"Shoot." She challenges.
"I didn't think I would ever see him again." I feel like retreating into a corner. I realize however that she learned this kind of questioning from me.
"That's no reason for lying to me."
"Yes it is Lorelai, things are complicated. I can't tell you now. I'll explain to you later. I just wanted you to know, in case Thomas says something." I create time and space for myself. I will have to tell her the truth sooner or later, but right now, I prefer later.
"Hm." She just makes, clearly unsatisfied.
"I'll go now. Take good care of Isabelle and have fun." I quickly blow her a kiss and retreat to my car. I've already driven half the way to the DAR when I realize I can't concentrate on that right now. I call Lissy Halstein and ask her to hold the meeting for me. Then I drive down a well known road and stop in front of a well known bureau building. I step in and walk by the security area and the information counter, nodding hello to the faces I recognize. I take the elevator upwards. In the first floor it stops and Floyd Stiles steps in.
"Emily." He calls out, surprised.
"Hello Floyd." I say, smiling politely. I don't like him all too much. He was part of many fights Richard and I had. He often upsets my husband and with his fine plan to go against his own son, he provided one the reasons to our big split up. I love Carol however, she really is a nice woman, she just lacks a lot of self-confidence.
"How are you?" I ask.
"I'm better now I've got the right medication, thanks for asking. You want to visit Richard?" He wants to know.
"Yes."
"Does he know you're coming?"
"Not yet." The elevator arrives at the fifth floor, where Richard's office is located.
"It's lunchtime. Maybe you shouldn't surprise him, coming in unexpected like this."
I narrow my eyes. That man always wants to spread discomfort and mistrust. I step out of the elevator and turn to smile sweetly at him.
"I can always surprise my husband Floyd." I say. "Especially during lunchtime." I conspirationally add. He just shrugs his shoulders dismissively and the elevator doors close. I know what he wanted to imply. We all know the famous story of Carol walking into his office at lunchtime and catching him "in the act" with his blonde twenty-year-old secretary doll. He merely explained that all men married that long would need this from time to time. Carol never discussed it again, of course.
Floyd knows for sure that he won't succeed in implying something of that kind about Richard to me. He has to try though. Idiot.
I step in into Richard's office. There's no one in the entrance room. Good, his secretary is just too stupid. She doesn't recognize anyone, not one client, not even me. Richard has to arrange his meetings all by himself most of the time. A pity that Margie has retired.
I'm about to step into my husband's room but then I stop myself and knock. Stupid Floyd, I curse myself.
"Yes." I hear Richard say. I can tell he's preoccupied. I open the door and smile when I see him sitting over a file. He looks up.
"Emily." He exclaims. "You don't have to knock, dear, it's lunchtime." He stands up and comes around his desk to greet me."
"I just thought it was convenient."
"Nonsense. You're my wife. You don't have to knock. My secretary knows that as well. Not that she would recognize you." He sighs.
I smile up at him, thankful for him once again proving that I'm right to trust him and he bends down to kiss me. His touch comforts my confused mind, it once again helps me relax and the thought of having sex on his desk right now shortly crosses my mind. I imagine Floyd walking in on us. I laugh against Richard's mouth. He breaks our kiss.
"Just when got my kissing so amusing?" He asks.
"It's not your kissing that amuses me, dear, I just had a funny idea." I explain.
"Which was?" He wants to know.
"Not important." I dismiss it. He's a man. He would want to take me up on it. And then our backs would hurt for days. We know that from experience. Ancient experience and we didn't exactly get any younger.
"I came here because I had a very surprising visit this morning and I wanted to tell you about it."
"Well then, let's go into a restaurant, shall we?" He suggests and I nod.
We're on our way back to Richard's office and we're pretty quiet. I told him about my brother's "visit" and he seems to be quite a bit worried.
We stop in front of my car now and Richard opens the door for me. A few meters away I see Floyd standing with some other men. When he sees Richard he tips on his watch and motions him to hurry.
"I gotta go, Emily. Call me when you talked to Lorelai again."
"Hm." I make.
"She'll understand." He promises. He kisses me on the cheek but I won't have it. I take his face in my hands and kiss him on the mouth, long and languishly. Richard softly presses my back to the frame of my car as he responds surprised but eagerly. I slightly open my eyes and watch Floyd. He looks at us disapprovingly. Good. I break the kiss.
"Thank you darling. Now go playing." I smile and he kisses my forehead one more time before I sit and he closes the door after me. I watch him shake hands with the other guys standing with Floyd. He looks so professional, business-like but polite and friendly. He's gorgeous. His clients must love him. I do. I smile and drive off, back to the inn.
I'm in a good mood when I arrive in Stars Hollow. Richard's right. Lorelai will understand my reasoning. When I step into the inn, my good mood vanishes in a matter of seconds. He's there. And he talks with my daughter. And she has the baby on her lap. I take a deep breath and step closer.
"What are doing here?" I ask my brother without any hello first.
"I told I stay here." He tells me.
"I know that. I mean what are you doing talking to my daughter?"
"She..." He wants to answer but I interrupt.
"I told you to keep silent until I talked with her." I want to continue but this time Lorelai interrupts me.
"I asked him to talk, Mom." I look at her dumbfounded.
"What?"
"When he came to get his key, I told him, we had talked and if I could ask him a few questions." She explains.
"But why Lorelai? I told you not to!" I exclaim, angrily.
"You said no such thing!" She says.
"I told you I would explain everything to you later."
"That doesn't mean that I can't look for an explanation myself." She shouts.
"Listen Emily, we didn't talk much, she just asked me a few questions about my age, my profession and..."
"Go." I interrupt. He doesn't move. "Go, Thomas. I want to talk to my daughter. Alone."
"Alright." He stands up and nods good-bye to Lorelai. "It was nice talking to you. I talk to you later, Emily." He disappears to his room. I look after him and when he's gone I turn towards Lorelai again.
"Why can't you just once listen to me?" I ask her, exasperated.
"You came here this morning, tell me I've got an uncle all of sudden, I learn that you lied to me for my whole life, then you leave and now you scold me for talking to your brother, which you didn't forbid me, by the way."
"I just don't want you to talk to him. Why is that so hard to understand?"
"But why?"
"Because he's not good for you."
"But why?" She gets louder and more insistent.
"Because you don't know what happened and where he has been the last thirty-eight years."
"Then tell me!" She requests.
"Fine." I finally give in. We sit down and I take a deep breath. Just when I want to start talking, Rory steps into the inn.
"Mom, hey, hello Grandma." She greets us, kissing us on the cheek. "What's new here?" Lorelai looks at me, so long that Rory looks at me too.
"Grandma?" She asks.
"Sit down Rory, you're going to learn something about Grandma's life today."
"Alright, so, Hopie wasn't my only sibling. I have a big brother, Thomas. The three of us were quite inseparable when we were children but when Thomas finished school, he had to go to Harvard. I didn't have a very good relationship with my mother, none of us had." I look at Lorelai while I'm talking but her face is unreadable. "She was the one with the good name in my family, her family was quite famous, though my father had much more money. He was a lawyer and Thomas should become one too. He should go to Harvard of course, like all male members of our family went before." Now I look at Rory, who looks shocked, to say the least. "He hated it, I hated it, it was part of why I was so happy you went to Yale. I saw my brother at Harvard, I saw Richard at Yale, and it was like hell and heaven. Anyway, in his second year in Harvard, Thomas suddenly disappeared. I didn't know where he went but I could understand him very well. My mother put the blame on me, somehow she always managed to do that and threw me out of our house. I went to college and soon after I moved into my dorm, Hopie stood on my doorstep. Mom threatened to cut us off from all money but our father continued to support us secretly. Then we suddenly got a call from Mom, she told us Thomas came back and they had to pay for Harvard again and couldn't support us any longer. She generously offered to take me and Hopie back in, however it would have been pure hell with her. Our father had resigned himself to silence one day, I can't even remember him being anything but silent. He was a brilliant man, but my mother dominated his life as much as she dominated Thomas'. Luckily, Richard asked me to marry him at that time and I didn't have to go back. Hopie married Paul soon after that. We were visiting them in France when we got a call, telling us our father was deadly ill. We traveled back and stayed in our parents' house for one last time. Thomas and I had very little contact since he came back, I couldn't understand him for doing so, I felt like he was giving into blackmail of our mother. I talked with my father, I wanted him to tell me I was right and our mother was wrong but he couldn't. He was too weak, no matter if sick or healthy. I left the house forever that night. I had tried to fight but it had been useless. My mother told me to never come back, which I didn't. Our father died, I went to the funeral but I never talked with my brother or mother again. Hopie however stayed in loose contact with Thomas. One night, you were still an infant back then, Lorelai, she called me and told me she was worried about Thomas. She asked me to drive to our house to look if he's alright, which I did, after I struggled a while with myself. I took you with me in your carrier. When I arrived in the house it was dark." I swallow before I continue. Lorelai's expression is still unreadable and Rory looks at me, still shocked but also genuinely interested. "When I walked upstairs I heard the sound of flowing water. I went into the bathroom and there he was. He was lying in the bathtub, the water was deeply red. There was blood everywhere. He had cut his artery, trying to commit suicide. I don't know how but I managed to call an ambulance. They could save him. My mother came back from a trip from Asia and had him put into psychiatry. I never heard from him again. I didn't want to, Hopie tried for a while but my mother blocked off all tries. When she died a few years later, my sister tried again but she had him hidden like he was in witness protection. I don't know what happened, but obviously he was released a few months ago and today he stood on my doorstep. That's pretty much the story." I close my monologue.
There's silence. Then Rory speaks: "But why did he try to commit suicide?"
"I don't know." I answer truthfully. "I think he couldn't stand the pressure of being the only presentable son."
"Why didn't you ever tell me you had a bad relationship with your mother too?" Lorelai finally speaks.
"Oh please Lorelai it was nothing like our relationship." I tell her.
"No? Why not? There seem to be some familiarities in the story." She calmly says.
"Don't compare me to my mother." I warn her.
"And why not Mom?" She asks again, speaking louder now. "Maybe you should have learned from her mistakes."
"You have no idea what my relationship with my mother was like."
"You had a strained relationship, we have a strained relationship, sounds awfully the same."
"But it isn't." I yell at her.
"Damn it Mom, why not?"
"I never beat you, I didn't throw you out, I was interested in your life, Lorelai. My mother treated me like an unwanted burden, most of the time she was only interested in her liquor and when I told her that, she slapped the hell out of me. You don't honestly want to imply that I am like her."
"No Mom you weren't." She says. "But you're a liar."
I want to say something but she continues.
"How could our relationship ever be alright when I don't know the first thing about you? I did know nothing about your family, your mother, your father and Thomas. Even when we were on good terms you never told me the truth. Honesty is a value, you told me. Is it to you? We could have been better Mom, if you had told me the reasons for your behavior, I would have understood you better, but you didn't give me any chance!"
"Lorelai..." I begin but she interrupts me again.
"No, Mom, I don't want to talk to you right now." She storms off, into the garden or the kitchen, anywhere but here. I look after her and Rory comes to me. She lays a comforting arm around my shoulder.
"She'll come around." She promises. I turn to her and gently stroke her cheek.
"Maybe she will. But she's right. It's my fault. She is perfectly right." She looks at me in a sad way and I kiss her good-bye on the forehead. Then I take Isabelle's carrier and stuff and drive home.
Coming up: Coming around