Hey guys? Where are those fantastic reviews? Come on, I want to hear what you think! If I don't get a review for this chapter in a reasonable amount of time, I won't post ch. 12 until I do- even though I'll have plenty of time to write. I've just finished ch. 14, I think, & I'm almost done with the next one. STEPHENIE MEYER, YOU ROCK!

May 15th- a month since my change. Other than the fact that I became the mythical, blood thirsty monster in movies once in a while, life wasn't much different than before. I continued to sit with my friends at lunch- except before a hunting trip- and I was really going out with Dustin. I knew Rosalie, Emmett, jasper, and my parents were concerned about our relationship, but I ignored their heeds.

Dustin took me home everyday after school and tried to end every date with a kiss. Kissing wasn't as difficult as I thought it'd be. Maybe that was because guys lead the romance. I just had to be careful not to crush him.

I had always know humans, to immortals at least, were delicate and could easily be broken. Over and over again I'd heard the joking complaints from my family when I would sit near them. I'd heard all about the struggles between my parents when Mom was human, but I never fully comprehended how strong as vampire was until I was one, too. I always remembered when Dustin held me.

As warm and right as it felt, I couldn't help but to be sad. I would never be able to hold him tight when I was happy or sad, never give him more than a simple kiss. Never tell him the truth. On weekends when I didn't hunt- which was very rare- he'd take me somewhere I'd never been and tell me more about his family and old memories. Every time I'd have to edit my life- rearrange family relations, take out the details that meant the most to me, and so on. The boy wasn't stupid- another reason I loved him so much; he knew I had other things on my mind.

"Maddy, you've got to eat!" he complained at lunch. Christina glared at him- joking, of course- because he interrupted her story about math class.

"I'm not hungry. I had a big breakfast." It wasn't a complete lie. Yesterday, Rosalie and I went hunting for bears in Canada, and we didn't get back till four this morning.

"You never eat lunch. In fact, I haven't seen you eat or drink anything since Spring Break!" Dustin took both of my hands in his. I wondered what he thought about my coldness.

"I just don't eat lunch anymore." I saw it in his eyes: He didn't believe me. I looked down, not because I felt guilty, but because I didn't want to see the worry and curiosity when he looked at my black eyes.

"Come to my house after school. We'll do something. Watch a movie, listen to music. I've got the new DDR, if you want to play that. My parents won't be home until six or later, so we'll be alone." He moved my head to look at me. "Come on. We need this."

"OK." He hugged me.

I'm going to Dustin's after school. I'll be home before six, I promised.

The last half of that day flew by, and I was confused about how I felt. Spending time alone with Dustin would be exciting, especially since there was nothing more we wanted than to make out in peace. At the same time I was scared about how far making out would go. Nothing scared me more than the thought of my teeth or venom touching him.

We walked to his car, and in fifteen minutes we were outside his house. He walked me to the door and locked it behind us.

"Annoying neighbors," he explained.

His living room was tiny! I felt cramped and kind of claustrophobic even though the window was open and there was little furniture in the room, only a love seat, flat screen TV, and a fireplace.

I stared at the family portraits on the fireplace mantle while Dustin brought out the DDR mats. One small picture showed a little, dark haired boy, no older than five, grinning ear to ear. His baseball cap looked twice as big as his head, and his green jersey pictured a happy wombat with the number 8 on the sleeves. Mr. and Mrs. Bell hugged their happy son in the bright sunlight while Dustin's grandparents laughed behind them. It was hard to believe that families really took pictures like that! It looked too much like those fake pictures Wal-Mart sticks in picture frames.

"Oh no!" laughed Dustin, playfully pulling me away from the fireplace. "Please don't look at those. I don't know why my family insists on putting those up for everyone to see." All my nerves and worries were gone when he gave me that smile.

"So," I said, changing the subject. "how good do you think you are at this?" I took off my shoes and started looking at the song choices.

"I'm not bad. I think I'm ready to go pro, but don't worry. I'll go easy on you."
"Don't. If I'm going to win, I want to win fairly. Stupid song or obvious favorite?" He also took off his shoes and stepped on his mat.

"Let's get it out of the way." He stomped on the "X", and "Cotton Eye Joe" began.

We danced for half an hour, laughing, joking, and singing along. He had a great voice, and a couple of time I stopped playing so I could watch and listen to the private concert. He tried to get me to sing a solo, but I told him my musical abilities didn't include singing. That lead to a whole new round of questions and stories.

"You play an instrument? Cool!"

"Two." his eyes bugged out. "Piano and flute. My dad taught me when I was little, and in sixth grade I needed another elective so I chose band." We sat down on the couch, the game still going and booing at our "missed" steps.

"Do you still play?" There was hope in his eyes, and I almost gave in. I would've given anything to be completely honest with him and share little known facts. Something kept me back though.

"I haven't play in years." Once again, it wasn't a complete lie. I hadn't play my flute since eight grade, but I played "Syrinx", using my flute music, on Dad's grand piano last night.

"Oh. Madison?" Oh, crap. Here it came.

"Hmm?"

"You've been through a lot, but I don't know what you've been through. I'm your boyfriend. Don't I have some right to know what's going on?"

"Dustin, I-I don't know what to say. I was attacked by a-a madman. Remember that mark on my head? It was his-" He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my harder than he ever had before. We was waiting for me to open my mouth, but as always I looked away and let him kiss my neck instead. He stopped and ran one hand through his hair. He other traveled up my back and to the left side of my head. I moved his hand before he could feel the skin. I was self-conscious about that.

"'Accident.' Well, that's better than the truth. He rape-"

"No! No, no, no not like that. Worse. He tried to kill me." I wanted to say more, but I was afraid if I let out more I'd say too much.

Dustin looked deep into my eyes-shocked, scared, unsure of what to do. I felt the excitement and eagerness in his hands, and I knew he was terrified to comfort me. His eyes said he couldn't emotionally help me, but physically he knew what to do. Still not completely sure if it was right, he pulled my head closer to his.

So much was said in that slow kiss. His sorrow and want to understand my pain was in the hesitation. Every inhale said he needed me; every turn said he didn't know if he could handle the truth, but he always came back with more interest and confidence. He tried to French kiss me, his way of telling me he wanted me to open up to him. That single kiss almost made me forget about his safety and the secrets I carried. He was asking me for what I desperately needed: unconditional honesty and trust.

I locked my arms around his neck just enough so he'd have to struggle to break free- not that I thought he would. His hands ran down my back again and locked around my hips. He started to get off the couch, reluctantly. I let him go but only for a few seconds. He quickly shut the curtains while I shut the TV off. Then we were back in each others arms kissing.

My cold hands sent shivers down him, but I continued to stroke the side of his face, his warmth thrilling to my iciness. My hands, unknowingly, traced the veins down his neck and stopped at his shirt collar. Meanwhile his hands debated weather or not to take my shirt off. I should have stopped him, but instead I found myself unbuttoning his shirt.

Things began spiraling out of control. His shirt was lying across the room, and my shirt was somewhere behind me. Crazy for the warmth, the love, or the sex-I really didn't know- I couldn't help touching his bare chest and tight arms. There was no six-pack or jaw-dropping guns, but I couldn't feel one ounce of fat on him. If he kept working out he would have looked incredible!

He was going wild, too. His kisses were harder, more intense, and more determined to go farther. His warm hands kept going farther and farther down my back until my jeans met my shirt on the other side of the living room. We went back and forth taking off our clothes and jewelry until I was left in my basic purple bra and underwear- I picked a bad day not to wear the undergarments Alice gave me- and he was in his black, cotton boxers. And we still didn't stop to think about what we were doing.

He playfully pushed me down on the couch and hovered over me. His lips were always on mine or my neck as he stroked one of my legs and placed it around his waist. I actually started laughing- happily laughing- when his hands went back for the bra. His hands were on the clasp about to unlock it when the impact of our decision slammed into me.

"No!" I gasped. I pushed him off me, and he fell back over the arm of the sofa. "Oops. Sorry."

"What-what just happened?" It sounded more like he was talking to himself than me.

"Umm… we were going to… do it," I mumbled. I was trying to breathe evenly again, but the shock was too big. I came to close to losing my virginity with a human I'd only known for two months! I was too close to giving myself to a guy I couldn't be honest with. I was going to have sex with a guy that, in the back of my mind, I'd thought about breaking up with!

"Yeah, but what did I do?" He was hurt; it was written all over his face. But I could only stare at him, lost in my our terror. "Why did you stop me?"

"I am so sorry!" My voice was cracking, and I could feel the banished tears burning my eyes. "I don't know what came over me. I should have stopped you before we even started, but I couldn't- wouldn't. The truth is, I'm not ready for that, and I'm still very…confused." I chose my words carefully so I wouldn't upset him too much.

I awkwardly got off the couch and gathered my clothes. I ran to the nearest bathroom to put them back on. Once I was dressed I tried to fix my hair to no one would be too suspicious. It wasn't as messed up as I thought, but I was sure was, emotionally. There was a light knock on the door.

"Madison? Are you ready to go home?" Dustin sounded tired, and another round of grief swallowed me. His pain was my fault, and it wasn't over yet. Secrets suck.

"Yeah, I'm ready."

The long drive home was painfully quiet, but I wanted more to be alone with him rather than face my family. No doubt psychic Alice would already know about the afternoon's event. If she didn't, Dad would know through my thoughts. There was no way I could forget this nightmare. And if by some miracle I could not think about it, Mom and Jasper would know something happened. No matter how I looked at it, I was screwed.

He turned off the engine at the end of the long driveway, but neither of us made an attempt to get out. Dustin broke the silence.

"That'll be between just you and me, right?" I didn't look at him. From her and Emmett's bedroom window, I saw Rosalie hiss at Dustin's car.

"Of course," I lied. I'll try.

My head jerked up in alarm. I stopped breathing, and Dustin's heart panicked.

"What?"

"Nothing. I've got to go. I'll see you tomorrow," I promised as I tried to run to the front door at human speed. I didn't even wait for Dustin to vanish from sight before going inside.

Crap. It was just like when I was caught telling Caleb I lived with vampires- that wasn't news to him, but we didn't know that. Emmett and Jasper were on the couch watching Saving Private Ryan., Alice was in the back of the house sitting at the dining room table with Esme, and Mom, Dad, and Rosalie were standing on the stairs. It seemed like everyone stopped what they were doing when I came in.

"Hey," I said using all my will power not to sound different- like they wouldn't know.

"Did you and Dustin get in a fight?" asked Rosalie, not bothering to hide her joy at all.

"No."

"Huh. Bella said you two were really light pink. Oh well, it's none of my business," she replied coolly as she gracefully walked towards Emmett.

Don't get me wrong. I loved Rosalie. She was my aunt, after all, and I'd never hated or envied her- until then. She never made her opinions about Dustin quiet, but she'd never been this… bitchy! Her vampire grace only made her words sound snobbier. If she wasn't family or if my family- including her stronger mate- wasn't there I probably would have fought her. Instead, I ran upstairs and slammed the door.

I dug thorough my Cds until I found the one I borrowed from Mom before Spring Break. While I set my stereo up, my family talked about me downstairs.

"Damn, Rose, that was mean."

"Emmett, she shouldn't be so close to humans," she snapped back. She this was the Rosalie Mom had to put up with before I was born. Mom must really love Dad to deal with her.

"She hasn't attacked anyone yet," defended Jasper. "but I somewhat agree with Rosalie. It's not safe."

"Edward, Bella, you have to stop this!" Rosalie ordered. "She's risking everything Carlisle built for us. Vampires and humans shouldn't mix. Bella, I think you were an immortal born in the wrong world."

"I'm out of this," declared Emmett.

"All of you, stop this," said Esme. "Leave the poor girl alone."

"Stop being to bitchy about it, Rosalie. She's going to break up with him at lunch tomorrow," announced Alice.

"How bad is she, Edward?" asked Esme. I stopped listening and blasted Linkin Park before laying flat on my bed.

"Here we go for the hundredth time. Hand grenade pins in every line, Throw 'em and let something shine. Going out of my fucking mind. Filthy mouth/ no excuse. Find a new place to hang this noose. Knot it tight so I won't get loose. Truth is/ you can stop and stare Bled myself out and no one cares"

"Don't cuss," said Mom, opening my door and shutting it behind her.

"I'm just singing."

"Still, don't cuss." She sat beside my on the bed.

"You know, I picked it up from you guys."

"Two wrongs don't make a right." I smiled a little.

"But two lefts do." She rolled her eyes and hit my arm.

"If that's not proof Rosalie and Emmett took care of you all the time, what is? Do you want to tell me what's wrong?" I stared at her, shocked they didn't already know.

"Alice didn't see it? Snap decision. That's the key, isn't it?"

"Please tell me," she begged. My colors must have been hurting her, too. Well, here goes nothing.

"I almost had sex with Dustin," I admitted. WE both looked at my shut door, waiting for Dad to barge in. He didn't. He'd probably seen the whole thing in my head already.

"Almost?"

"I chickened out. I realized I couldn't do it anymore: I couldn't keep lying to him. If I'm going to love someone I want to tell him everything. No secrets, no hiding, no editing." Mom hugged me for a while. The only sound came from my stereo. Not even the loud screams and drums from the CD could ease the frustration.

"You're good at spotting vampires. Not you just need to find the right one. Don't worry. You're only a sophomore- for the first time." She squeezed my hand and let me sort out my problems alone.

Dad? Please let me think alone for a while."

"Why don't you go hunt for a couple of hours? Carlisle will be home soon, and Albert's supposed to come over."