Broken

A/N: depression - medical condition or Oxford definition - knows no color, no economic class, no background; it discriminates against no one.

He had broken pieces. His family had ensured it. He'd grown up in a toxic environment, been abused in every sense of the term, and it showed in some of his more erratic behavior. Sirius deliberately tried to sabotage himself, and when things got bad at home, he'd do his best to remove any reasons to keep existing.

Sirius admitted the fiasco their fifth year had happened because he was trying to find a way out, and if his friends hated him, well then nothing would be left right? But what could have torn them apart had, through a brief moment of honesty on Sirius' part, become the cement that glued the four together. Things improved, especially once he was at the Potter's, but the brokenness inside him still clattered when he moved, sharp shards still stabbed and sliced within, and Mia sadly told him that they probably always would - but she promised he'd start to learn which movements rattled too much, when he needed to slow down, and when he needed to reach out for help. "You'll learn how to be happy, even with these broken pieces," Sirius admitted sometimes her words seemed like wishful thinking.

Marlene had broken pieces, but she doesn't know how they got there. She lived a privileged and relatively perfect life, her family always loving and supportive, having her best welfare at heart. She was given so much and every advantage she could have in life. She's even happy most days. She has no reason for her brokenness.

But it always sits on the outskirts of her vision, threatening to envelop her. Marlene almost envies that Sirius at least has a reason for how much he spirals down into the abyss. She has no excuses, no reasons, and honestly, that makes it worse. When someone has a reason to be broken those around them tend to be more understanding. When you have no reasons, well you're just seeking attention or you're only having an off-day, right? So she doesn't tell anyone about the blackness that she carries, the abyss that she teeters on, and when she falls in she becomes a masquerade of herself. Externally doing everything she normally does, but internally she's screaming and falling and sobbing and wishing she could either escape for good or remain here permanently because back and forth is exhausting and the acting is exhausting and she's just so fucking done with it all.

Her mask was up when he sat next to her at dinner and she looked up giving him a well-practiced smile. But Sirius studied her, his eyes looking past the walls and Marlene pulled her eyes away, feeling the mask cracking.

He didn't say anything but when she went to leave he stood to follow, "Come on."

And then he had her hand and she was too much on autopilot to stop him before they were out the door.

"I'm kind of tired, Sirius. Can't this wait?" She could feel the mask cracking and she knew she needed to leave, to be alone, and soon.

"Bull shit," Sirius' expression was, well serious, and Marlene's stomach tightened because she couldn't figure out what he was going to do next, this was a side of Sirius she hadn't seen before.

They made it to the lake shore, the autumn evening starting to crisp around them when he pulled them to the ground. Sitting across from her he looked into her eyes again and Marlene immediately looked down.

"No," his voice was soft but very firm and Marls was momentarily scared when his hand came to her face. But his fingers caressed her cheek and pressed her chin up until her eyes were back on his.

She could feel the mask cracking, breaking, and she could hear it in her voice that she was going to lose, "Please, please don't."

But he continued to hold her gaze until the mask shattered, the pieces falling around her, and the tears started. Then he was holding her and it doesn't make anything better but at least she isn't trying to cry silently, at least she isn't hiding it, and even though she's sure he's going to tell her to buck it up because she has it better than him, than most everyone, at least for a few minutes it wasn't buried, at least for a few minutes she was able to be broken on the outside too.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled when the crying finally subsided.

"How long have you been dealing with this?" Sirius grabbed her hand.

"What do you mean? I'm just having an off day is all; I'm sorry for bothering you with it. I appreciate you letting me cry."

"Fuck, Marlene," he cut her off, "don't insult me with that bull shit. You're not having an off day; you've built yourself a fucking facade to wear around everyone. That's not something you figure out when you're having an off day, that's something you build up over the course of years. I should know!"

"Look, Black," her tone was anything but friendly, "I really appreciate you letting me cry on you, but it's just an off day."

"Then look at me," Sirius tugged her hand. "Look me right in the eye McKinnon."

She hadn't realized she'd been avoiding his gaze, had been looking anywhere but at him. She tried to steel herself, to put the mask back in place, but his eyes met hers and bore into her, a light into the blackness and she could feel the walls crumbling, the mask falling from her face, and she had to look away.

"Talk," Sirius pleaded.

"It's stupid, Sirius, really I just have these spells and I really shouldn't, I mean my life has been fine, I just..." She trailed off.

"Hey," he brought her face up to his, "it's ok, just talk to me."

"But it isn't ok, Sirius," Her frustration showing through. "I walk around with this blackness and there's no reason for it! It's just there and no one has ever done anything to me to put it there. And it sucks because everyone looks at me and says my life is fine, perfect even, which it is, and so I should be fine, and if I'm not then I'm ungrateful. So I've spent years building a fucking mask because I'm privileged so I'm not allowed to be broken." Her voice cracked again, but she shoved the tears back, angry that they kept returning.

"You've just as much right to be broken as anyone," Sirius growled, "and fuck everyone who says differently. You don't need a reason to be broken."

"That's easy for you to say," She doesn't mean to sound bitter, but the years of dealing with this have made her bitter. "You have a reason and so everyone supports you. If I tell someone I'm struggling it's a passing phase, a growing pain, something I'll get over, or worse a strategy to get attention. It's never the fact that I'm staring over the cliff into the blackness knowing I'm going to fall. It's never that I'm half-assing everything and no matter how many times I'm told I'm doing well, no matter how many O's and E's I get, it'll never be true because I know I'm not really putting forth all my effort. It's never that I'm fucking kicking myself for being broken because I shouldn't be, and how guilty it makes those I love feel when I do try to talk about it; like they could somehow fix me, that if they were somehow different I'd be happier. It's never my reality; it's always something to pass off or me being selfish, ingrate even. I'm not self-destructive so I'm fine. I'm not always in the abyss so I'm fine. I'm privileged so I'm fine. But, Merlin, I'm anything but fine!"

She was close to yelling at this point and her eyes found his as she tried to push the tears back again. His face was solemn, but he didn't look at her like everyone else did. He didn't look like he was trying to come up with a way to fix her or give her some speech, he looked relieved.

Sirius gave her a crooked smile, "Don't pretend around me. I mean this in the best way possible, Marls, but you have no idea how good it feels to know that someone can be like you and be broken too. That maybe I'm not as fucked up as I always thought I was."

Marlene's laugh was teary, "That or I'm just as fucked up as you are without the excuses."

"Fuck excuses," he pulled her to her feet, "we're going to grab some butterbeer from the kitchens and then we're going to toast to being broken because it's a part of who we are."

"You want to toast to the worst parts of ourselves?" Marlene's chuckle disappeared into the twilight as he pulled her back to the castle.

"I want to toast to owning them, to not pretending they aren't there," Sirius smiled down at her.

She wanted to say something snarky in response, to tell him he was being an idiot, but the way his eyes were shining light into the blackness enveloping her had her smiling back at him. He hadn't tried to fix her, he'd accepted her broken as she was. And maybe that was what she really needed, someone to let her be broken, someone who would wait with her until she could pull out of the darkness, someone who accepted that this was a part of her and she was still learning how to handle it, someone who was broken too.

"To being broken then," Marlene smiled and she opened the door to the castle.