Notes: Temporarily straying into more srsbsns territory. Your regularly-scheduled dosage of informative Hetalia crack will resume in the next chapter. =w=b
Part XI
The lights dimmed; the temperature dropped. In the darkness, Jennifer could only see the pearly shapes of the ghosts, looking slightly confused.
Workbitch had rushed over to Mr. Hugh's side, yelling something about fetching the school nurse. Jennifer stumbled after him, noticing that something was rising from the glitter specks – something growing into a purple mist and a pink light. The Vambiolaria virus was starting to attack.
She felt dizzy and slightly claustrophobic; darkness seemed to be closing in on her. Judging by the sounds around her, several other students felt the same.
It seeks out the dominant character at the time and cannot be resisted, a voice echoed in her mind.
"Wait, what? I'm… I'm not…" Jennifer tried to blink out the yellow and purple splotches in her vision. "Oh, I see," she whispered. "Everyone is a dominant character in their own mind."
And with that, she collapsed.
Hugh Edwin Fraser opened his azure eyes, looking up at the ceiling. "Where am I?" he asked in a mellow, melodious voice, wringing his perfectly carved alabaster hands. Never mind the fact that alabaster is very hard and shiny. "Is this my loyal servant who holds me thus in his arms, fearing for my plight? Worry not, dearest comrade, I have come to no harm."
He looked about him at the assembled students. There were several others lying on the floor – poor souls! He must do all he could to help them before they fell into the darkness, into a black abyss of oblivion! Hugh climbed to his feet, dusting off imaginary dust from his suddenly splendid prince-like clothing – the stains from the punch were completely gone. Never mind the fact that Hugh (and Allen, although that alter-ego had been temporarily incapacitated) detested his stuffy uniform and had only worn it because it was Halloween and he had no idea what to wear. He patted a rather winded-looking Workbitch on the shoulder and knelt down at one of the collapsed students' body.
"Oh, poor creature," he breathed, fingers delicately caressing the student's porcelain cheeks. "What could have possibly caused her such harm?"
"Er, the punch bowl, sir?" one of the other students admitted fearfully. "You see, sir, the Bled Pinjas…"
"Say no more, fair creature. I will hunt down those 'Bled Pinjas' and destroy them for causing such undue unrest upon this beauteous school," Hugh declared, dramatically striking a pose. Somewhere at the pie-eating table, Alfred F. Jones shed a tear of pride.
"That's my long-lost son!" the American declared emotionally, nearly choking on a piece of pumpkin pie as he said that.
The other students who had been closest to the Vambiolaria bomb when it exploded had been affected as well. The first to stir was the one closest to Hugh. "She stirs!" Hugh exclaimed, as the student opened a set of chocolate brown orbs and sat up, her black hair cascading down her back like a midnight waterfall. Never mind the fact that black-coloured waterfalls usually signified pollution. "Art thou unwell, fair one?" Hugh asked concernedly, suddenly switching into Shakespearean English without batting a ridiculously long eyelash.
"Nay, I am perfectly fine, good sir," the delicate maiden replied melodramatically, swishing about in her long flowing blue dress. "But what of our Quest? We must hunt down the Bled Pinjas!"
By now, the other affected students had clambered to their feet, causing all other males in the general vicinity to get nosebleeds, swoon, and generally make a fool of themselves. Alfred, Arthur, and Kiku had rushed forward, declaring their eternal love to Carolina Brown, Sakura Kirkland, and Lucy Robinson-Honda, who were all suddenly personifications of the Western media's obsession with anorexic, busty females. Workbitch had somehow been the only person near the punch bowl who had not been affected – but that was probably because few people had ever heard of him in canon. That still didn't stop him from falling prey to the extreme beauty of the Mary Sues.
Everyone else had a sudden urge to help the poor, beautiful creatures, who were so lovely that it hurt. Roderich Edelstein somehow managed to compose ten symphonies detailing the loveliness of the Mary Sues (and that one Gary Stu, Hugh). Francis and Arthur were reconciling over the maidens, promising to be best friends forever and ever. The same went for Ivan and Alfred; both had tears in their eyes.
"Fair damsel with your hair like raven wings!" Workbitch declared to the first student, who had twirled into his arms, her swirly blue skirt swishing provocatively about her. "Allow me to give my heart to thee," he continued, not knowing why he was being so obnoxiously eloquent. "Your beauty puts the stars to shame!"
"You flatter me, darling," she replied with a coy giggle, batting her eyelashes like a Moulin Rouge can-can dancer (the two students dressed like Moulin Rouge can-can dancers were sitting around gawking at the mayhem, not sure whether to be nauseated at the maudlin atmosphere or 'happy that their dearest friend had found true love') and looping her arms about his waist. "Kiss me now, before I remember my woefully tragic past and my cursed beauty!"
Next to them, Hugh was busy declaring his love to a girl in a red dress, not caring that she had a sword and enough energy to wield it expertly. As the entire party descended into a string of love declarations that could put any cheap romance novel to shame, the door to the hall swung open.
In stalked the school nurse with a retinue of Mochis. Hugh looked up to see Endland charging towards him.
The last thing he heard was the crimson-clad girl's beautiful, perfectly-pitched soprano scream as his world went white.
"Quickly! Disinfect the area! Where did the virus appear?" Nurse Florance Nightingail demanded, as the Vambiolaria victims were bounced out by the Mochis. "Was it that table, with the punch stains? Quickly, Hantamogo, place the Kuswort there!"
The Mochi version of Finland's puppy barked and plopped a couple of yellow, foul-smelling plants onto the table. The stray bits of Glitter flew towards the plant like metal objects to a magnet; when it was done, Hantamogo picked the pieces up with its mouth and bounced out after the others.
Florance then took out a spray bottle full of a bright blue substance. "This might sting a little," she warned, and sprayed the stuff all around the room. When it came in contact with someone, it started smoking slightly.
"Ow!" one of the male students screeched, clutching his forehead. "Sting a little? I might have an allergic reaction to this!"
"Well, it's either that or having an Aura of Smooth-induced hangover in the morning," the nurse retorted. All around the room, the staff members and students were starting to regain control of their bodies once more.
"What was that?" Arthur Kirkland wondered aloud, clutching his head. "It… I can't remember what happened before the punch bowl exploded."
"Antidote to Aura of Smooth," Florance replied briskly, pocketing the spray bottle. "Effective for quickly reducing 'Suefluence and obliterating Glitter." She looked over at Workbitch, who was looking slightly shell-shocked. "Workbitch, come along. We've got to check on the Course Coordinator."
Workbitch shuffled after her out of the room, taking off his mask as he went. "I don't think you put enough Bleeprin into the mixture," he muttered ruefully. "I can still remember…"
"Well, I guess the amount of Bleeprin taken correlates to the amount of trauma sustained," Florance replied sharply. "And you seemed to have had it worse than Arthur…"
Workbitch nodded, as they climbed a flight of stairs leading up to the Hospital Wing. Several other nurses and Mochis were bustling about; the student victims were all blissfully unconscious. In a curtained-off section, Mr. Hugh lay with Mochi bits stuck in his hair.
"Takara? Miss Takara, are you all right?" Florance asked, and a young nurse with dark hair and bright green eyes looked up from where she was trying to peel Mochi bits off the Course Coordinator's forehead.
"Quite fine, ma'am," Takara mumbled, blushing scarlet and bowing slightly.
"Takara, you should be helping Clara Bartan with the Vambiolaria remedy," Florance reprimanded. The other nurse mumbled a string of apologies and shuffled off. As Takara left, Florance turned to Workbitch. "She's fond of him," she said, smiling slightly.
"Fond of Mr. Hugh?" Workbitch echoed. "Yes, I can see…" He sighed. "Right, so how much Kuswort do you have on hand?"
"Barely enough for the remedy," Florance replied. "So I think you need to write a letter to HFA, to ask for another shipment or two. Preferably two; who knows what else will happen between now and the end of term."
"Sounds like a wise idea, ma'am," Workbitch said, inclining his head towards her. "Is that all?"
"Just write the letter quickly." Florance smiled at him and gently pushed him in the direction of the exit. "Out, out, and tell the staff that we're working on the remedy."
Workbitch nodded and left.
"What do you think is going to happen to those students?" Megan wondered to Luna as Workbitch re-entered the room and whispered something into Arthur's ear. "Jennifer and Kriss got affected."
Yes, and so did Carolina, Sakura, and Lucy, Luna replied.
Lydia came shuffling over. "Wasn't that totally freaky?" she demanded. "Who do you think put the bomb in the punch bowl?"
"The Bled Pinjas," Kiri Olaveja replied immediately. "I mean, they took the bowl away, didn't they?"
"I don't know; I don't think they'd be that evil," Roksana Abdullah said petulantly. "I mean, Glitter bombs just don't really seem to be… their style."
"I know what you mean," Megan agreed. "What do you think, Lucia?"
The mermaid student, who was dressed as Buffy the Vampire Slayer, shrugged. "I dunno. Hey, are you an alien?"
"Yeah, why do you ask?" Megan wondered.
Lucia giggled. "My place or yours?"
Merka came bouncing over. "Hey, hey, I heard that the nurses are working on a cure for… whatever happened," she exclaimed. "Arthur was just telling Francis, Kiku, and Alfred about it."
Luna sighed. I hope they get that cured soon. I mean, what if it was contagious?
"Ew!" Megan wrinkled her nose. "That'd be… ew!"
The Halloween party continued, but at a more subdued level. The Vambiolaria bomb still remained on everyone's minds, and for weeks on end, it was pretty much the only thing being discussed throughout the school.
November started out in a blaze of brightly coloured leaves falling to the ground and entangling in people's hair. Sabrina seemed to be particularly affected, due to the sugary content of her hair.
"Get a load of this!" Jennifer, now out of the Hospital Wing completely cured but smelling slightly of crow bladders and frog intestines, exclaimed one morning, throwing a copy of the Bled Chronicles at Megan's head. "Look at the headlines!"
Megan grabbed the newspaper and opened it, looking at the picture. "It's Mr. Allen, looking worried," she pointed out.
"Yeah, but the headlines!" Jennifer insisted.
"PPC Dispatches Reveal Story behind Halloween Bombing," Megan read aloud, as the door to their room banged open and Kriss and Merka rushed in, with their copy of the paper as well.
"Did you read this?" Kriss demanded, waving the paper at them.
"Yes, I read it," Jennifer repeated, wiping her face for the umpteenth time that morning (the crow bladder smell wasn't going away). "Who didn't?"
Cristiana Moretti, the Lovino fangirl from across the hall, opened her door and stumbled into their room. "What's this about the paper?" she wondered aloud. "Is Lovino in it?"
"No, but you ought to hear this anyways," Jennifer replied. "Take it away, Megan."
Megan began to read:
PPC Dispatches Reveal Story Behind Halloween Bombing
Dispatches from the Protectors of the Plot Continuum Headquarters reveal that the Vambiolaria bomb released on Halloween was only the first wave of attack against this school. According to those documents, the oldest dating back to early September, the League of Mary Sue Factories has been mass producing Hetalia-verse Mary Sues.
"Special State-tans, imaginary Nation-tans, and horrifyingly perfect girls who target Nations – all of these are being produced en masse by the League of Mary Sue Factories," one document reads. "Sparkly Pink Rainbow Unicorns Ltd. boasts that they have the largest supply of rainbow-eyed Nation-tans, ready for vicarious living at the push of a button. On the other hand, GlitterDreams Manufacturers insist that they sport the Multiverse's largest supply of State-tans, particularly those that make up the United States of America."
So apparently there has been an arms race occurring somewhere beyond the IAHF campus. Each factory views the other as competition; they are producing stronger, faster, and prettier 'Sues in a race to become the best factory.
"Mr. Allen said it himself," says PPC Agent Eledhwen Elerossiel. "These sorts of factories work like Nations. Build up one country's military strength, and the others will follow suit. This can only lead to war."
The factories certainly look like they're preparing for war. Another document reveals lists of weaponry that the factories in question are trying to manufacture. The Vambiolaria bomb is at the top of each list.
"Of course, they're looking for something more destructive than what happened on Halloween," says Bled Pirate Arthur Kirkland. "Ninja Kiku and I were investigating the shards of the punch bowl. I think the bowl contained a lot of the bomb's destructive force. If the bomb had been on the table, there would probably have been more victims."
So far, the most recent documents show that all the Mary Sues have been able to achieve is the Glitter-packed bomb that exploded on Halloween. Therefore, the more concerning matter is Mr. Allen/Hugh's choice to withhold such vital information from the rest of us.
"I was surprised when Mr. Allen told me not to tell anyone about this," confesses Secretary Workbitch Bartholomew. "I mean, everyone has a right to know the truth. If he's going to cover it up, I'm sure he has his reasons. But I'm also sure the Halloween incident could have been avoided if the general population had been better informed."
"That's shocking," Cristiana said after a moment. "Mr. Allen knew all along?"
"Yeah, apparently." Jennifer was wiping her hair again. "Ugh, I wish he had told us. Then I wouldn't be smelling crow bladders everywhere I go."
"Good luck with that," Merka snickered. Kriss lightly slapped her arm.
"Hey, I got it, too!"
"Something that my nose reminds me of every night," Merka sniffed. "We've got Language classes today. Let's go to breakfast, yeah?"
The five students left the room, Jennifer still towelling her hair.
The newspaper, with Mr. Allen's forlorn face on the front cover, lay innocently on Megan's bed.
Several Canon Protection Initiative terms you may not recognise (I didn't make these up; those brilliant Boarders did)
Vambiolaria: The Mary Sue disease. Traditionally only happens to the main character, but either way, it's a way of suddenly Sueifying someone.
Kuswort: Part of the cure for Vambiolaria; it's a foul-smelling yellow plant found in the Forbidden Forest at HFA.
Glitter: An essential component of Mary Sue (and sparklepire) blood.
Aura of Smooth: (aka 'Suefluence) the strange 'force field' like thing that Mary Sues exude to bend others to their will.
Bleeprin: Another wonder drug created at HFA that combines bleach and aspirin to make people forget the gruesome parts of Badfic.
Mary Sue Factories: Exactly what it says on the tin.
Multiverse: The combination of all existing fandoms.