So this chapter felt like pulling teeth... I have no idea why it was so hard to write...

I'm definitely going to look over it again soon to maybe rewrite some sections that particularly bother me, but until then- voila

Under My Skin

Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

Back beat, the word is on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
But I don't know how

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Dean couldn't sleep. The whole night he felt like his skin was too tight, stretching painfully over his body. Nothing he did got him to relax, the stuffy heat of the room suffocating.

The night passed slowly, no amount of tossing or turning getting him to relax enough to unwind and rest. No matter what he did, he couldn't seem to shake the sense of unease that shrouded the room. When the room finally started graying and the sun peaked through his blinds, Dean was exactly where he was 6 hours earlier.

He quickly decided that there was no chance of actually falling asleep, so Dean threw his legs over the side of the bed and blearily jumped into the shower, trying to wash the weariness down the drain.

Dean showered quickly and dressed in the same fashion, feeling an urgency spike in his veins. He fidgeted, pacing his room back and forth and watching the minute hand move slowly around. Finally, when the time was at least somewhat decent, Dean ran out of the house and tore down the street, needing to see Cas.

When he finally reached his apartment, Dean got out and stared warily at the door. He honestly had no idea how he would be welcomed, and the imposing frame of the oaken door did nothing to calm his racing pulse. Sighing, Dean placed his hand against the frame and knocked firmly, the motion unpracticed and awkward.

Dean rocked on his heels for a bit, unsure of how long he should wait to try again. Had Cas heard him? Or was he just ignoring him? Unsure and annoyed with himself for being such a girl about the whole situation, Dean leaned forward and knocked again, firmly.

When he heard slight shuffling from inside the building, Dean sighed softly with relief, expecting Cas to come to the door any second, explain himself, and everything be cool. However, no further noise was made from within the building, and the longer the silence continued, the more annoyed Dean got.

"Dammit, Cas!" Dean said, after knocked again. "I need you to open the door. You don't have to let me in if you're that fucking pissed at me, but if you don't open up right damn now I'm gonna come in whether you want me to or not."

A few more seconds passed in silence, little to no sound being made through the door. Dean breathed deeply, trying to control the irrational fear surging in his blood.

Not Irrational

Cas isn't 100%

Something could have gone wrong

Images of Cas lying on the floor, pale and lifeless- either holding an empty bottle of pills or covered in trails of dried blood filled Dean's mind, along with every other nightmare he's done his best not to dream featuring Cas. All the possibilities, and knowing that they were possible, suffocated him. Each second that Cas had been alone added up like a countdown in his mind, of all the time that things had to go wrong. A person didn't even need thirty minutes for…Dean didn't want to think about it. Instead- Cas had a whole night. Panicking, Dean leaned his weight back, ready to bust the door open to just get to Cas. Now.

Just as he was about to swing his foot forward and hit the door, Dean heard a small click and slowly, oh so slowly, the door swung open.

Cas stood on the other side of the door, small and hunched in slightly. Dark purple bruises stood out on his pale skin under his eyes, and he had changed out of his button downs and khakis in favor of a hoodie and old pair of sweats. Dean's stomach dropped; he hadn't seen that combination in a long time. He didn't even think Cas had kept any of them. He personally was responsible for throwing them all out.

Not all of them

Swallowing thickly around the thick lump in his throat, Dean cleared his throat and smiled shakily, doing his best to look normal. "Hey Cas..."

Cas didn't say anything, just looked at Dean blankly before turning around and walking deeper into the apartment, leaving the door open. After a moment's hesitation, Dean took the invitation for what it was and stepped into the apartment, closing the door softly.

Even though nothing was different, nothing looked the same. Everything was placed exactly where it had been before, yet the usually bright and open room resembled more of a fortress, or a prison. Every blind and door was pulled tightly shut, no outside light entering the small rooms. None of the overhead lights were on either, the only source being one or two of the side lamps which cast eerie shadows over everything around.

Trying to ignore what everything meant, Dean followed Cas into his bedroom and watched him sit on the side of the bed, stiff and unresponsive. A few moments later, Dean moved closer and sat on the bed with him, careful to give him space.

Looking at Cas, Dean broke inside. Something happened, something that Cas wasn't telling Dean. He looked too used to it, to defeated for whatever happened to be something new. He looked haunted- and that thought scared him more than anything.

Realizing that Cas wasn't going to say anything first, Dean looked down and hesitantly started, gaining momentum as he spoke.

"Cas… I'm not going to pretend to know what happened because I don't. And I'm sorry. I want more than anything to always be there for you when you need me most. I fucked up yesterday. I said a bunch of stupid shit and I didn't mean it. When you showed up at my house I was so fucking shocked and stupid- I didn't mean any of it."

Dean ran his hand through his hair, doing his best to not fumble over his words, doing his best to actually say what he means.

"You know. Uh- Sam doesn't- I never told him that I'm… that I can be in to guys. I'm cool with it, and a while back I accepted a lot of shit about myself and that's one of them. Fuck- I'm proud to think guys are hot as hell. I just… It's not something I've ever told my family. My father, he... let's just say for now that he wasn't my biggest fan. There's a reason I have to go to Bobby's too." Dean joked, half heartedly.

"But um…Sam's cool with it, I know he would be. I just… froze. Next thing I knew you were at the door and Sam was calling me out and I freaked. I didn't mean a single fucking thing I said Cas, not a thing. You're so awesome, one of the coolest nerds I've ever met. Sam just- he made assumptions and I was an ass. You haven't done anything wrong Cas, anything."

Dean abruptly finished, knowing he had headed into rambling territory. Nervously, he glanced over at Cas, who hadn't so much as breathed throughout his whole speech.

Cas sat, just as stiffly as before, without the slightest sign of having heard what Dean had said. After a few beats; Cas, without looking, up, spoke softly, without inflection.

"Why would it matter?"

Dean froze, waiting for Cas to continue.

"We aren't together, Dean."

Hesitantly, Dean spoke, practically feeling the thin ice.

"Yah but- he thought we were."

Cas left his head fall incrementally forward and slid his eyes, closed. A picture of defeat and acceptance.

"Am I really that bad of an option? That bad for someone to think we were together?"

Dean shattered, staring at the complete blankness in Cas' face. It looked to porcelain, so fake; yet so fragile. It was a mask, ceramic and cold, yet Dean could read him plain enough through the fold of his shoulders and hunch of his back. And it hurt.

Scared that Cas really believed that, believed any of that, Dean shouted, scaring the both of them, and Cas into opening his eyes and looking at him, really looking at him, for the first time all day.

"No! Of course not! Cas… You're amazing. You're funny, you're smart, you're sarcastic, and you're not afraid to call me out on my shit. Not only that but you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I was so defensive when Sam called you my boyfriend because maybe… fuck… maybe I was a little bit disappointed that you weren't."

Shit

Dean stopped breathing, realizing what he had just said. As much as the declaration scared him, the last thing on his mind was taking it back, because even though he had never consciously thought about it before, he couldn't deny how right it sounded.

That finally startled a reaction out of Cas, making his eyes go wide and breath fasten. Dean's eyes flashed back and forth over his face, flicking back and forth between his eyes and lips, trying to read him. The longer he tried, the more he got tied up on how badly Cas was not taking his…declaration. The more he thought about it, the more he began to hope.

Maybe…

Dean leaned forward then, seeking Cas' lips with his own; needing the confirmation that maybe this wasn't as bad of an idea as it had initially sounded.

Cas turned his face away, hiding it in the curve of Dean's shoulder. Dean froze, skin going cold at the silent rejection, yet not pulling away yet as neither had Cas, hadn't punched him with disgust and walked away never turning back.

Cas hid his head, not wanting, no, not ready to allow that to happen. He forgave Dean, he really did. Yet, a small piece of him, the part of him that still had a shred of pride, of self; and the last thing he wanted to do was fall back into his arms the second he apologized. Yet he wanted to, so badly. The knowledge that Dean wanted to be with him… thought about them in that way was just so foreign and surreal that Cas almost didn't know what to do with it. He wanted so badly to lean forward and kiss him in that moment, and it was only at the last second that he jerked his head to the side enough to cut off the movement.

Instead, Cas stood up and headed over to his closet and pulled out his pajamas, quickly followed by a pair of bottoms that he threw Dean's way.

"I'm tired." He said, in explanation.

Wordlessly, Cas pulled the clothes on and slipped into the bed on the other side of Dean, snuggling deeply under the covers.

Dean stared, slightly stunned, trying to fully comprehend what Cas was offering. Dean pulled off shirt with ease and toed off his shoes before sliding on his pants and slipped into the bed, leaving a generous swatch of the bed in between them both. Not sure what the boundaries were, Dean lay stiffly on his back, sticking dutifully to his side of the bed.

After a few minutes off awkward silence, Cas huffed and grabbed Dean's hand, and manhandled him closer. Going with the movement, Dean scooted over on the bed until Cas was pressed up in front of him, fitting comfortably in the crook of his neck, and his arm was wrapped around his waist. Dean shifted easily, pulling Cas a bit closer against him.

The two relaxed against one another, both exhausted from the night before. They slept holding hands, Dean kissing lightly behind his ear and whispering endearments.

"I'm so sorry Cas. Never ashamed of you, never. Never nothing. Everything. Everything Cas."