The Laughing Master: Chapter Seven
SHELTER
Waver Velvet wordlessly handed me my luggage. If he could have taken a knife and cut the words hate over every inch of his body, it still wouldn't be enough to convey the hatred he felt for me. Alright, so I am being overly dramatic here. I have faced a few things that hate me more than this kid does. Gary Lester, Papa Midnite, My father, Nergal himself. Actually, now that I think about it, Waver was acting like one of those white knights in fiction, brooding over a wrong done to others. At least the others hated me for personal reasons. Waver is the first person I know who hated me for such selfless reasons.
Oh wait, I completely forgot about her bloody majesty, the one and only King Arturia Pendragon. Who happens to be standing right behind me.
"Don't show me your face again." Waver said.
"Bit of advice, kid." I said as I adjusted my tie. "Don't use such strong words. People might end up thinking you can back them up as well."
"I can back them up." Waver quietly answered as Rider merely raised his eyebrow at me.
"For now," I pointed out. "But what about later? Preparation for the future is what you magi are all about, right? Food for thought, kid. Cheers." I said as I turned to leave.
Where was I even going? What was I even going to do? I had no place to stay now. My funds were running low, not to mention, my prana level as well. I can't aimlessly wander around town or Saber might decide to off me for being thick. Strewth, she was probably having a murder fantasy right now. Can't say I blame her. I just used a child as a bargaining chip and indirectly murdered her father in front of her. I don't even know if the little Tohsaka is alive or not. I can only hope that she is alive and in good hands. I didn't see any charred remains back at the Tohsaka residence. Maybe she did survive?
"Constantine, where are we going?" Saber asked.
"Fucked if I know. I just want a place to sleep." I groaned back.
"Very well. Let us go to the Fuyuki Park and rest. There won't be many people at this time of the day and it will be large enough for us to hide our presence. I shall keep watch over you while you rest." She answered. Anything sounded better than walking around drowsily. I didn't even bother arguing and made my way to the park, even though it was an hour long walk away. We reached there at one in the morning. The fourth day of the Holy Grail War had started.
I collapsed on the nearest bench I could find and closed my eyes. Two days of sleep finally caught up with me and I was soon asleep.
After what seemed like a trivially short time, someone shook me awake.
"It's not supposed to bend that way, Chas." I groaned.
"Constantine." Saber said patiently. I opened my eyes reluctantly. Bright sunlight burned off my corneas like the lances of angels, if angels actually used lances nowadays. They are now more into halberds and swords again. Shows what you know about the Heavenly Host. At least they try putting thought into the changing times. But they've got nothing on the Hordes of Hell who change their wardrobes every year. And that's not even getting close to the Fae.
"What is it?" I said. My tongue felt thick and hairy. Good lord, what had I done last night?
"Someone is tracking us." She said. Nothing could have jolted me awake faster than these four words. I hurriedly sat up, rubbing away the sleep from my eyes.
"How many?" I asked hurriedly.
"Two." Saber said. I mulled over it for some time this new information.
"It's daytime." I pointed out.
"Do you see anyone about?" Saber replied. Damn it, she was right. The enemy could simply erect a Bounded Field that would block out noise or unusual lights, rules of the War be damned. Our only advantage was that we were expecting them. Bugger.
Just to be safe, I quickly looked around, hoping for any sign of hope. We were in the Fuyuki Park and were surrounded by pine trees. Or was it fir? We, specifically, were in a large clearing. I was sitting on a green bench while Saber stood in front of me. There was only one way into the clearing for civilized people. A path made out of cobblestones connected the clearing to the rest of the Fuyuki Park its way through. She hadn't donned her magical armor yet but her stance suggested that she was ready for combat.
"Should we run?" I asked. There is nothing wrong in running from a fight. Epiphany once mentioned about retreat being one of the stratagems of war. I don't know who said that but it sounds like a bloody good idea to me right now. As much Saber wants to hide it, I can tell that Archer had wounded her one too many times last night. We don't know if these two people had Servants with them or not.
"We can't. The woods won't offer much of a terrain advantage with me having to protect you. You will end up hindering me. Fighting presents a higher chance of survival." Saber stated. Christ, I am better at wriggling out of situations than you, Saber. You don't even know half of what I can do. Not that I am at my best game right now but I am definitely more than just a load of bottle.
But I decide to let Saber take the reins. As I said, I am not at my best game. My own way of doing things has actually made everything worse. And I am still in this shithole which means I better do something to fix it.
"They are close." Saber announced. "They are approaching from the front which means that they are probably the Masters of Knight-class Servants. Possibly Lancer and Berserker. Rider wouldn't turn on us so soon while Archer wouldn't approach like this."
The next second was perhaps the most anticlimactic of my life.
Two women walked into the clearing. One of them had white hair and red eyes. The other's hair was black. But what really mattered was that they weren't two Servants, just a homunculus and another random woman. Maybe the homunculus was hypnotizing her? No, that wasn't correct. The black-haired woman's movements weren't erratic or haphazard; they had a more military precision to them.
The two of them walked up to us and stopped a few feet short of Saber. Maybe our luck had finally begun to turn around.
"Einzbern." I said.
"Constantine." The homunculus replied. She looked nothing like the previous Einzbern I was acquainted with. Oh sure, both had white hair and red eyes. But aside from that, they were completely dissimilar. Otto had quite a masculine face with narrow eyes. The homunculus in front of me had a narrow face with eyes like a little girl. Made me wonder how old they really were. One of my books on magic theory, back at Liverpool, mentions that skilled alchemists can grow homunculi in weeks that look like twenty year humans.
"What brings you to this neck of the woods?" I asked as I mentally winced. Now was not the time to joke around with puns. Judging from her reaction, she didn't understand the joke. Bloody krauts and their sodding sense of humor.
"We face a problem and we need to ally ourselves with you." The homunculus answered.
"And what manner of problem is that?" Saber asked. She was still quite unnerved by the homunculus presence. We were facing a walking, talking thaumaturgical artillery and she could probably tell.
"Emiya Kiritsugu is dead. As well as our Servant Caster." The Einzbern answered. I didn't know what to say. I could have said that I was sorry for her loss but that would have sounded extremely hollow. I was quite glad that the Magus Killer had died. That bastard turned out to be nothing but bad news. He somehow betrayed me in less than an hour. How did he physically travel all the way from the Einzbern Castle to the Marriot, rig it with explosives without anyone noticing and nearly kill me in less than an hour? There was an answer to this but I had an annoying feeling that it had something to do with Caster herself.
Bollocks. I didn't feel sorry at all and I wouldn't even bother trying to lie. Emiya Kiritsugu was a bastard who had to die.
"I am truly sorry for your loss but I fail to understand how this is relevant to an alliance. You are now disqualified from the Holy Grail War. And if you were interested in convincing me to turn against my current Master and make a contract with you then the answer is no." Saber said.
"Nothing of the sort." It was the black haired woman who spoke next. "We are no longer interested in winning the Grail War. Our priorities have changed."
Saber turned to look at me. I simply shrugged. As I said, I would let Saber handle this one and see where it goes from here. Saber turned her attention back to the Einzbern and her bodyguard and nodded.
"We are willing to supply you with shelter, supplies, prana support and reconnaissance in exchange for your services, Mr. Constantine." The Einzbern woman said.
"Now wait a minute. This is too good to be true. There must be a catch to all of this. Don't think your previous kraut left me any stupider." I blurted out. I am not going to make the same mistake twice. Fucking krauts, thinking they can trick me again and again. "Why should I trust you, you albino Nazi?" I added, underscoring my hatred for all things Einzbern.
"As much as it disgusts me to say it, my Master does have a point." Saber said, giving me the evil eye. "We don't have any proof about your sincerity. And we have been caught off guard one too many times."
Our guests exchanged looks this time before the black haired soldier reached inside her jacket and pulled out a folded piece of paper. She delicately unfolded it before offering it to me. I cautiously looked at Saber. Guessing my intent, she took the paper from the soldier before passing it to me. If my luck would be with me, any harmful charms or curses on the paper would be dispersed by Saber's Magic Resistance. Taking a deep breath, I looked at the paper.
And nearly choked.
"What the fuck?" I said. "A bloody Self Geis Scroll? Are you fucking serious? There is no way in hell am I going to sign this!"
"Please," The Einzbern's composure cracked for the first time. "You are the only one I can turn to. I need your help."
"Give me one good reason, bitch." I said furiously. Fucking krauts. I would do the world a favor by incinerating the lot of them. I ignored the soldier's and Saber's murderous glares and the Einzbern homunculi's hurt look. I ended up in this shit because of those Germans. I am not going to be dragged further into it. The Einzbern wiped something away from her eye before taking a shuddering breath. The soldier placed her arm protectively around her. The Einzbern smiled at her companion before looking at me with a determined expression.
"Yesterday, I was a wife. Today, I am a widow. But I am still a mother although one who can't help her own daughter." She said. I felt something cold in my stomach. How could I have been such a twat as to say all that?
"You're lying. Homunculi can't procreate." I quickly retorted. I had to do something to take the guilt away. Slinging the blame back seemed like a good choice.
"I am going to prove the truth behind my words, Mr. Constantine." The homunculi said quietly as she snatched the scroll away from me. The soldier handed her a pen knife which she used to prick her right index finger. She signed her name with a flourish.
Holy shit, she was serious.
"I have proved my determination, Mr. Constantine." She said. "Will you?"
I looked at the paper. On close inspection, I realized it was made from vellum, not paper. The text was in cursive English and had been obviously written with painstaking care.
This document binds the magical circuits of Irisviel von Einzbern and John Collier Constantine to a contract imposed by the former and accepted by the latter. The contract dictates that Irisviel von Einzbern shall support John Collier Constantine in the Fourth Holy Grail War by supplying him with necessary shelter and apparatus in exchange for John Collier Constantine retrieving the daughter of Irisviel von Einzbern from captivity.
I looked at her. She had signed the bloody scroll with her own blood. Not only was she serious, she was even desperate. But I hadn't put my name down yet. The contract could still be cancelled if I refused to put my name down.
"Why me?" I finally asked. "Why me, of all people? Why can't you just rescue her yourself? You are free, aren't you? You don't need to fight this bloody War. You can go back home. Why ask me and not use your vast family resources to rescue her yourself?"
"Why you?" Irisviel von Einzbern said with a sad smile. "Well, isn't it obvious? You John Collier Constantine, the Laughing Magician of this age. If there is anyone who can do it, it is you." She took a shuddering breath as if she was ill. "As for why not me, the answer is simple. I am the Holy Grail which is why I can't leave Fuyuki. And my daughter is in the hands of the Einzberns."
"Master, don't!" Saber said.
But I signed it anyways.
"It's a nice place, isn't it?" Irisviel said happily as the soldier opened the gates of the Japanese residence in front of us. Saber had volunteered to drive the car, a white Honda Civic 1992, which she drove into the grounds of the Emiya Residence. "Kiritsugu bought it with his own money as a safe house. We'll be safe here."
I kept my trap shut. I couldn't bring myself to look at my host in the eyes. Mostly because she had emotionally forced me to sign a geis but partially because I was such an asshole to her. For all my disdain for knights in shining armor, I can be quite a smelly one. Okay, maybe not exactly shining but I did end up accepting an Einzbern's proposal simply because the life of an innocent was involved. That has to count, right?
Strewth, this sort of stuff belongs in Metropolis, not in the middle of Japan.
We got off the car and Saber parked it somewhere out of sight.
"Welcome to my humble abode." Irisviel said with a smile as she threw the sliding doors open. I'll never understand the Orient. What's the point of having sliding doors? I kept my comment to myself as I followed her inside. Remembering the Zenjou residence back at Sumaru, I took off my shoes at the house's threshold and continued inside in pungent socks. Saber and the soldier, who was carrying bags of groceries, joined me a few moments later. The soldier overtook me and bumped into me in the process. Well, if she hated me so much, she could have simply said so. But then again, I can understand her anger.
There was a low table in the living room with cushions placed around it. The soldier went straight to the kitchen and started rummaging through the plastic bags.
"Please excuse me for the lack of proper hospitality. My maids couldn't survive the encounter which killed my husband." Irisviel said. Damn it, stop sounding as if I am to blame that they died! It's not my fault that there is a Grail War going on.
The soldier returned with a plate of sandwiches and a few files. I realized that I was famished and stuffed one in my mouth.
"How did the Japanese say it," Irisviel pondered briefly before clapping her hands together. "Ittadakimasu." She said before picking one up and taking a dainty bite. And now I felt uncivilized. Damn japs and their table manners.
"If you don't mind me asking so early," Saber interrupted. "Who killed your husband?" Irisviel stopped chewing for a moment. She then swallowed and spoke.
"Last night we were attacked by the Servant Assassin whose Master was the former Church Executor Kotomine Kirei. Although Caster managed to trap all the Assassins and Kotomine inside her Bounded Field, Archer's arrival and subsequent assault killed Caster, all of the Assassins and my husband, Emiya Kiritsugu."
"Your husband was the Magus Killer?" Saber said, surprised.
"Yes. Didn't I mention that before?" Irisviel said.
"No, you didn't." I said through gritted teeth. Bollocks, I've got myself stuck in some real shit now. Rescuing the Magus Killer's kid from her own maternal family? And I signed a geis on top of that?
"That is hardly relevant to our current situation." The soldier spoke for the first time, her voice cold as the winter. She turned to face me. "Kotomine Kirei maybe a former Church Executor but he is still quite dangerous. His actions seem to be directed by his teacher, the Master of Archer, Tohsaka Tokiomi. Together with Archer, they'll pose as the greatest threat."
"About that," I drawled.
"Tohsaka Tokiomi was killed twelve hours ago by his own Servant." Saber bluntly stated. Irisviel spat out the water she was drinking.
"What?" The soldier said.
"What!" Irisviel exclaimed.
"I forced him to choose between his daughter and the Grail." I said, ignoring Saber's look turn murderous, with a shrug. "It was quite a hard choice for him." The soldier studied my face for a few moments before visibly relaxing.
"Is that so? At least you're out completely bound by magi standards. Perhaps we have hope after all." She said.
"That's the worse compliment I have ever received." I noted. I mean sure, being called a bastard and actually being a bastard works fine for me. I even enjoy being called a bastard for acting like a bastard to bastards.
But being complimented for acting like a bastard? That doesn't sit well with me.
"We now know that Archer is Masterless which means that he probably is looking around for another Master." The soldier observed.
"Not necessarily. I managed to glean a few of his attributes yesterday. He has an A rank in Independent Action which means that he can remain on the material plain for at least a week. Considering his attitude towards others, I find it difficult to imagine him deliberately seeking out a Master when he can leisurely defeat every other Servant. I propose we out wait him. There are still ten days left in this War." Saber said. I can't believe it. Saber? Speaking sense? Has the Wizard Marshall started mucking with the time stream again?
"That might be true but we can't be sure. It would be much better to assume that Archer has formed a contract with Kotomine Kirei. I am saying this based on the fact that Tohsaka has died and that Archer deigned Kotomine worth rescuing himself." The soldier said. Saber closed her eyes for a few moments. Maybe she hadn't considered that angle?
"True but it would still be wise to bide our time against Archer. I, for one, cannot think of a plausible strategy which doesn't rely on suicidal tactics." Saber said. That statement was almost humorous. For all her talk about honor and chivalry, Saber's manner of fighting is quite risky. Either she doesn't understand how ironic her own statement is or she knows and is trying to make a joke. Actually, I call bollocks on her being ignorant of her own myopia. It wouldn't be the first time I met a smart blonde.
Oh wait, I am blonde. Fuck.
"What do you think, Master?" Saber suddenly said.
"Me? I, uh, I agree with whatever you are agreeing with. And if you are disagreeing then I am all for it." I stammered. She read my mind. She read my mind. Why else would she suddenly ask for my opinion?
"Please be serious, Mr. Constantine." Irisviel said. Bugger, even the Einzbern is criticizing me!
"Er, thing is, I am not so sure what to do anymore." I began. The three women's stony faces didn't help matters. Hell, I should do what I always do. Bluster away and pretend to have a plan. "It's true that Kotomine Kirei came in contact with Archer but as Saber accurately pointed out, he doesn't have much respect for us 'mongrels'. Kotomine isn't going to be an exception to this. And even if Archer accepts him as his Master, which is very bloody unlikely, he will face one difficulty." I said.
"And that is?" The soldier asked.
"Kotomine is very likely not a very good mage. He is a former Church Executor which means he won't be very proficient in thaumaturgy. Additionally, this means that he will be a very poor source of prana. That means that Archer won't be able to dump his load of weapons on us. He'll be forced to fight cautiously. This is where we have the advantage." Interesting, I actually came up with a solid plan that doesn't rely on bullshit. Okay, so it does partially rely on the assumption that this Kotomine Kirei is an inept mage but that's more like an educated guess than pure crap.
"Can we at least agree to bide our time?" The soldier asked. She looked quite fed up for some reason. Hell, lass, if you were bored to tears by this old duffer's bluster, you could have just walked away. I simply nod.
"Agreed. We shall bide our time until we think of a suitable strategy or we are forced to fight." I said. I sounded needlessly dramatic. All we had done was agree to wait out the storm and pretend that it was a plan. Any tosspot with two brain cells could have come up with that sort of plan. The soldier and Saber had gotten up and left the table. Only the homunculus and I were in the room now. The atmosphere was getting quit thick as if someone was watching us. I grabbed another sandwich and crammed into my mouth.
"Can I ask you something?" Irisviel suddenly asked. I nearly choked.
"Y-yes?" I said.
"How did you kill Otto von Einzbern?" she asked.
"Why do you want to know?" I asked.
"Because I am curious. We, the Einzberns I mean, are quite aware of how strong various magi are. We considered you a weak mage. You defied our expectations quite remarkably." She said. She doesn't sound angry or anything. More along the lines of curious. Ah well, what could possibly go wrong? If she decides to kill me with magic, I can always kill her right back. On second thought, I'll just restrain her. And get Saber to hit her on the head with Excalibur.
"I am guessing he was quite fragile. I managed to kill him because I cast my spell first." I replied. Irisviel merely nodded. She seems distracted for some reason. I notice that her eyes are on my hands. I am holding my lighter. I may have started playing with it out of habit. And a need for fags.
"Kiri used to have a lighter like that one. He lost it on the Einzbern grounds when playing with Ilya." Iri said with a sad smile. Strewth woman, don't go emotional on me. I didn't know your husband until six days ago. I am not going to offer you sympathy. "Sorry, I got a little carried away." She said with a smile.
"It happens." I said. I fished about my pockets for my pack of ciggies. That would give me the excuse to get out of the room. I pulled it out and flipped open the lid.
It was empty.
"Bugger." I groaned as I crumpled the box. I was now in despair. The sight of my empty box cigarettes, even if they weren't Silk Cuts, had left me in despair.
"Um," Irisviel said uncertainly. She reached into her dress and pulled something out and laid it on the table. "Here."
It was a box of Silk Cuts.
"Ma'am, yer a real life-saver." I said as I grabbed the box with eager hands. Twenty Silk Cuts. Enough to last a day. I pulled one out as gently as I could. "To Emiya Kiritsugu," I said solemnly, "a great man with an even greater taste in fags." I stuck it in my mouth and lit it. I suck on the filter, trying to savor every wisp of that crazy, carcinogenic smoke that soothes my soul and sharpens my mind. I haven't sucked anyone's tongue as passionately as I sucked on this cigarette. Not counting Epiphany though.
"I should go now." Irisviel said. I merely nodded, too engrossed in my fag to care about her. I am sort of surprised she didn't order me to smoke outside the room. Oh well, who cares. My gracious host got up and left the room. One thing I don't understand was why didn't she change her name to Emiya after her marriage. Maybe it was forced to prevent the Mage Killer from getting any ideas? Anyways that was not the pressing issue at the moment.
"You can stop aiming that gun at me, Miss Hisau." I said calmly. The sliding door opened and the soldier woman stepped into the room. I had my back to her but I could tell she wasn't in a good mood.
"Did I surprise you by not betraying your mistress and giving you a reason to shoot me?" I said with a smug grin. I love it when I don't act like a tit to people who fully expect me to do so. "Even though it would have been trivially easy for me to do so?" I added. The soldier calmly walked around the table and sat where Irisiel had been sitting.
"Give me my wallet back." She said. I calmly reached into my trenchcoat and pulled it out. There wasn't much money in it, just a few identity papers and a pressed wingnut leaf. I slid the wallet over to her.
"When did you realize that I had picked your pocket?" I asked.
"As soon as you bumped into me at the entrance." Hisau answered as she checked the contents of her wallets. "When did you realize I was keeping an eye on you?"
"I didn't realize it, I expected it. Irisviel von Einzbern was alone in a room with John Collier Constantine, exorcist, con artist and petty dabbler in the dark arts. Anyone would get suspicious and make sure nothing went south." I said. I took another pull at the Silk Cut. "You weren't being very sly either, love. Any bloke with a good set of ears could have heard you breathing. Was that deliberate or not?" She didn't reply so I am going to assume that it was deliberate.
"Why did you accept this alliance?" she asked.
"I felt like it. Makes for a delightful change of pace." I said. I snuff the fag's embers on the empty sandwich plate. I consider for a few moment before offering her a Silk Cut. She hesitated before accepting. Kiritsugu, you naughty lad, you should know better than to get a lady hooked on to fags. What would mother think of you? "Why were you working for the Magus Killer?" I asked. In my experience, women seldom work with violent sociopaths. Actually, not many people do, regardless of gender. They are violent, don't care about their employee's wellbeing and generally listen to opera music.
"I have my reasons for doing so." She curtly answered. Have it you way love. I consider smoking another one before deciding to save it for later.
It was getting late. I got up and made my way to my room. Even though I have slept quite a lot today, I still feel the muscle pains of all that punishment I endured the previous days. The fourth day of the Grail War ended without incident.
Yeah, this chapter lacks action and drama. Suck it up. I have exams. Besides, all fights and no exposition makes me, Leo, a bad author. Although, this isn't a really nice chapter. Meh, suck it up anyways.
Or was it the other way round?
T those who don't remember, Kiritsugu was smoking Silk Cuts in the fifth chapter. No, it doesn't make sense for Iri to have a box of them. Yes, I made John and Iri interact for no reason. Although, it did lead me to write that moment between John and Maiya the Soldier. I think that was the high point of this chapter.