A/N: Howdy folks.

Firsty - a big thank you to: radarrox, robster72 and The Summoning Dark and all those 'lurkers' who dwell in the shadows. Danke!

Secondly - sorry about the excessive length of this chapter - I got a bit carried away...

Thank again!

Sunny

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Rimmer was the first to arrive in the cockpit; he stumbled through the doors, arms flailing before crashing into the console at an astonishing speed, just in time to hear Gregory Samuel Douglas Watson Smyth drawl "I'm getting impatient…"

'And obnoxious' thought Rimmer, as he tried to gather together some element of composure. He coughed before settling himself down at the microphone "Gregory!" he exclaimed as cheerfully as he could "So sorry we kept you waiting, we were all awa-"

Gregory's cold, razor sharp voice sliced through Rimmer's sentence, sending a shiver down the holograms back "Mr Rimmer-" he said, with all the warmth and compassion of a morgue table "I haven't time to discuss the trivialities of your existence. I'm calling to confirm some details."

"Oh" replied Rimmer, turning to face the others who had just scrambled into the room. Lister was wearing a look that's usually worn by rabbits caught in the oncoming path of a combine harvester – unbridled horror and dread - a danger you're fully aware of, but you can't for the life of you escape it. In fact, he looked like he was on the verge of terror induced tears.

"Is erm…." Gregory hesitated for a second before lowering his voice "is she there….your lovely young lady?"

"No" replied Rimmer quickly, glancing at Lister who had now taken to gnawing at his nails "She's….she's in the shower, washing her hair" he forced a laugh "you know what girls are like."

Through the microphone, there came the sound of leather squeaking, presumably (hopefully) as Gregory shifted around in his chair. A nervous air surrounded every word he spoke, as if the situation was proving to be particularly awkward. "So-" he said, doing his best to sound casual and failing quite spectacularly "What's-what she like then….I mean, what does she look like? Describe her to me!"

"Describe her…" repeated Rimmer, "Well, erm – hmmm" he spun around and stared hard at Lister, biting his lip as he frantically searched for the right kind of euphemisms "Well, she's got….brown hair"

"Whoa, steady with the details, Rimmer" muttered Lister,

After stopping to scowl, the hologram continued, trying his very best to make the Lady Lister sound attractive "She's got brown eyes. Erm – rather short…full figured."

It was Lister's turn to scowl "what?!" he mouthed angrily before storming out the room, but keeping close the doors so he could hear the conversation.

"Look" said Rimmer eventually "I can't really do her justice – she's very very very pretty in an…..unusual kind of way, I'm sure you're going to love her" a note of desperation crept into his voice "I hope to God you do!"

Gregory chuckled "We are eagerly awaiting her arrival Mr Rimmer, it's been quite some time since we last fraternised with a woman – we're all, how would you say…..out of touch with females. She should be a breath of fresh air to an otherwise stale survival"

Rimmer smiled and sat back in his chair, confident that the whole 'passing Listy off as a girl' was going to be easier than he first thought. After all, if they're desperate they won't be too fussy about the looks will they?

"By they way, Mr Rimmer, what is her name?"

Buggar.

That was the next thing on the agenda – coming up with a name. "Her name…." said Rimmer, beads of computer simulated sweat dripping down his creased brow "well, we….call each other by our last names here, so she's just called Lister."

"Lister – nice" repeated Gregory, allowing the name to roll around his tongue like a sweet "And her first name?"

Rimmer froze. He swivelled round to meet Kryten and Cats expectant gazes and gave a whimper. His brain was like a blank piece of paper – simple, unspoilt and no help at all in a crisis. He needed a name and fast. "Her first name, it's…..it's-" he whirled his hand around in circles, as if he was trying to turn the rusty cogs inside his head. He clamped his free hand across the mouth of the microphone "Help me!" he hissed at the pair "Think of something!"

Kryten twitched and wringed his hands "Susan?" he said

"Ethel?" said Cat, shrugging his shoulders

"Ethel!" squeaked Rimmer "What planet are you on?"

"Mr Rimmer" came the muffled voice of Gregory oozing between the gaps of his fingers "I'm waiting."

"Her n-name-" he stammered, grasping onto the edge of the console for fear of falling away from it "Her name….is….". A muse suddenly took pity on Rimmer, an idea began to flash before his eyes and he was soon awash with relief "Davina." he said happily, even adding a little hint of a sexy 'purr' to his voice.

"Davina…" said Kryten and Cat, exchanging cynical looks

"Davina?" muttered Lister, closing his eyes in a mixture of horror and shame

It was now Gregory's turn "Davina" he said, "Davina Lister – my my" he crooned "What a lovely name!"

"A lovely name for a lovely woman" beamed Rimmer, giving Lister a wave to which the human responded with the two fingered salute and a malevolent scowl.

"Give her my kindest regards and we shall be seeing you in three days time."

"We can hardly wait" lied Rimmer

"Toodle oohh!" cried Gregory, sounding a damn sight more cheerful than he had done at the start of the conversation

"Toodle oohh!" responded Rimmer, before switching off the microphone and feeling exceptionally pleased with himself. That, even if he did say so himself, was handled brilliantly. 'We're sorted' he thought.

Lister obviously didn't feel the same way "We're dead." he announced gravely, leaning against the door frame, his breathing fast, erratic and panicky "We are so dead!"

"Oh, ye of little faith" scoffed Rimmer as he strode past him into the midsection "You heard him, they love you already – imagine what they'll be like when they see you!"

"Oh yeah" laughed Lister "I can imagine – sincerely smegged off is what they'll be Rimmer – they'll smeggin' kill me and it'll be all your smeggin' fault!"

"Mind your language" snapped Rimmer "Ladies do not swear!"

But he was ignored, Lister was too busy panicking and pacing around the midsection "Why are we doing this again? This – this is….insane! suicidal! We're screwed! Completely screwed" suddenly his tone changed, he rounded on Rimmer and clenched his fists "And Davina! What planet are you on Rimmer – Davina smegging Lister – I sound like I should be stood on a street corner with no knickers on! You said you were gonna turn me into a woman, not a tramp!"

Rimmer shuffled where he stood in a hurt manner "It's a colourful name I'll give you that, but I didn't exactly see you leaping in with any great suggestions!"

"That's 'cos I was too busy having a heart attack!" wailed Lister, throwing up his hands in frustration and fear "We're screwed" he said again

"Breathe sir" ordered Kryten, rushing over and taking his master by the shoulders and depositing in a nearby chair "You must breathe sir, it's a necessity."

"Well I'm not gonna be doing it for very long so I'd better enjoy it!" said Lister sourly, before dropping his head onto the table and whimpering.

"Oh stop being a pessimist" said Rimmer, folding his arms across his chest and sneering

He'd barely finished speaking before Lister was back on his feet and pacing the room "I'm being a realist Rimmer, there's a big difference. What we're doing – correction. What I'm doing is stupid! Men aren't the brightest species ever, I know that and I also know that our observation skills are well, frankly crap but Men know a real woman when they see one, and there is no way in hell we are ever going to get away with this! They'll rumble us the second they set eyes on me!" By now his anger had given way to utter hopelessness, he groaned, collapsed into a chair and held his head in his hands.

"Listy – you know I don't often give compliments" said Rimmer after a polite pause "But…you're not half bad at being a girl. I mean, I'm sure that when you've got all the hair and the make up and the boobs on, you'll feel much more feminine, I mean-"

"Why am I doing this again?" asked Lister suddenly,

Rimmer sighed "So we don't all die, we've been over this."

"No" came the blunt reply "Why am I doing this?"

The hologram hesitated before he hazarded a guess at the answer Lister wanted to hear "because we decided you'd be best for the job."

Lister gave a small snigger and stared at the hologram with a pair of cold, unfriendly eyes "you should have done it. You're a hologram, we could have just easily altered your image – made you look like a woman. Simple – and you already know how to walk, how to talk and all that other crap!"

Rimmer tried to put a sincere smile on his face and backed slowly away. He knew where this was going and it wasn't going to be pretty.

"It would have been far far far easier for you to become the woman and you knew that but you kept your big mouth shut and let me go through all the torture, all the humiliation, all the agony! You no good, weasely, lying, slimy toe-rag!" Lister lunged at Rimmer, his arms outstretched ready to ring the little gits neck, but Kryten and Cat held him back.

"I forgot I was able to alter my image!" lied Rimmer, scurrying to the other side of the room "I honestly did – and besides, you're a much better woman than I could ever be!"

"Flattery will get you no where Rimmer, not with the mood I'm in!"

"Well, we can't very well change it now can we?" he replied, back pressed against the wall and quivering from the knees up "They all think you're the woman, so you're just going to have to go along with it now aren't you…"

Realising that once again, Rimmer's statements contained some limited amount of common sense, Lister admitted defeat. He pulled away from Kryten and Cats grip and made to walk out of the midsection, presumably to go and sulk in his room. He may have done it too, had Rimmer not decided to chip in with:

"Listy – while we're on the subject, d'you reckon you could do something about your voice, it's just you sound a bit butch!"

The human stopped for a fraction of a second before spinning round and crossing the floor towards Rimmer, once again Kryten and Cat attempted to prevent any fisticuffs by holding him back, but Cat seemed to be encouraging a fight rather than discouraging by shouting "aim for the face, bud!"

Oddly enough, Lister didn't hit Rimmer. Instead, he stopped dead in his tracks no more than a few short centimetres away from his bunkmate and stared for what seemed like an eternity. Indeed, so long was the pause that Rimmer was forced to raise an eyebrow as way of motivating Lister to continue.

"One of these days…" said Lister, a small, 'all knowing' smirk "I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna make you pay and by the end" he stopped and leaned closer still "you'll be begging for mercy." Leaving his threat to hang in the air like a blanket of dense smoke he took his leave, only to have Rimmer, who has yet to learn the intricacies of avoiding an argument, shout after him "Listy – would you mind having your ears pierced?"

Lister said nothing and let his raised middle finger do all the talking.