Chapter 11: Fallen So Far

The car ride home was long and impossibly short. Lena had never had that experience herself, so now she supposed she had a frame of reference for when people described such an occurrence.

She'd never killed someone before.

Sure, she was willing to when necessary. Defense of a third party and all that.

Hell, her first public appearance in National City ended with her putting a few bullets in an assassin hired by her own damn brother! But now was not the time. Calling Lex out on all the shit he's pulled will have to wait. Her priority is Kara. Kara, Kara, and more Kara. Kara's mental health, her physical wellbeing, her emotional stability. God, how was she going to explain her murdering a man to the woman whose entire moral code swings on the axis of thou shalt not kill?

"You'll figure it out," came the voice in the passenger seat, shaking her from her internal turmoil. Well, turmoil would be too harsh a word. Killing Dru-Zod of Kandor was one of the easiest things she'd ever done. To "monster-ize" him was easy. He'd done horrible things, so reducing him down to those horrible things made the very sight of him somehow less repugnant in her eyes. That's kind of fucked up, though, isn't it? The very idea of stripping away someone's identity in order to make something easier. She can think of many regimes throughout history who employed that very tactic. Murder is wrong, everyone knows that. She remembers the many times she's thought of it as a solution to her problems. Thinking like a Luthor, she'd once put it. Well, Lillian would certainly be proud of her, wouldn't she? She's finally thinking like a Luthor.

"Why do you care?" It's the first time she's spoken to Lex since they hiked back to the vehicle and began making their way home. "You don't."

"You do me a disservice, sis."

"Don't do that. Don't talk to me like we still know each other."

"You'll figure it out," Lex repeats, moving the seat back and reclining. Lena couldn't help but smirk at that simple action. Most did people did that when they wanted to sleep, but not Lex. He always did that when she was little, to make her squeal and laugh because It's gonna eat me, Lex, help! Things had been so simple, back then. No Superman, no prison, no mad scientist. Lex was the only person who made her feel welcome in that house. A house is not always a home, and the Luthor Mansion was always a house to her. She had a home, with her real parents. Genetics be damned, Lionel was not her dad. Lex was always the best at saving her from the monsters under her bed or in her closet. Around Halloween, when she was most petrified of the dark, Lex would always come into her bedroom and snuggle with her until she fell asleep. Her big brother, her shining knight in a hollow kingdom. How could they have fallen so far from each other? What the hell happened? She knows what literally happened, but what happened? They were thick as thieves growing up and now Lena wouldn't even deign to spit in his direction. Lex was the balm to Lillian's sharp edges and now he was something she could hardly recognize as the man she adored for so long. Idolized, in fact.

Could it be possible to ever get that warmth and love back? Despite herself, Lena pondered this over and over almost every day. Her ceasing to visit Lex in prison was equal parts disgust at what he'd become and disgust at herself for not doing something to stop it. She'd seen the signs. She didn't want to admit it to herself then, it's hard even now to even think it, but she saw them. Isolation, paranoia. Classic supervillain-in-the-making, right? Except supervillains were caricatures that existed in comic books and movies. No way her brother was a supervillain.

Funny, the things we'll do and say to convince ourselves that what is right in front of us cannot possibly be reality. But she will not cry. Not now, not in front of him. She'll keep driving. She has to keep driving. She has to get back to Kara, to make everything okay for the two of them. She'll deal with the remnants later.

So she keeps driving, the personification of her greatest moral failure glancing out the window not a foot from her.

How could they both have fallen so far?