Maybe I Just Need Some Candy Corn and Those Beautiful Hazel Eyes
The rest of the evening was fairly uneventful in that there were no more confessions; though there were long soul-searching moments where one would ponder the other in worry or confusion.
Emma excused herself just after dinner, complaining of a headache. It wasn't a lie; her head was pounding but closer to the truth was the fact that the food she ate had trouble passing the noxious lump in her throat. She wasn't sure she could get it down and once it was down she wasn't sure it would stay down. She didn't know if she could sit there much longer.
She was disgusted with herself. Regina's words repeated endlessly in her mind, torturing her: 'To find the perfect ring', 'They were nothing like you and you were what I wanted', 'I loved you from-'.
She was beginning to feel like sitting was just too much work. Her body hurt down deep in the muscles and her legs were starting to feel restless. She needed to be up and moving. She needed to be productive. She needed to do something - anything. The forlorn feeling of idiocy was melting into the twitchy agitated feeling that was steadily becoming familiar. The longer she sat and tried to ignore the feeling the more her skin began to crawl, aching a demand for attention. Her mind was reeling, unable to cope with all she had learned. Her arm - her knee - her shoulder hurt. She felt an overwhelming need to focus on…her wedding plans. That would be easier. Everything left to plan was cut and dry, no moral, emotional or social ambiguity in sight. She could focus on that. She just needed to take her mind off of - everything - for a while until she could process it a little better.
The back of her throat felt raw, numb from all of the times she had swallowed back emotions. The itch made her long for a cold. That would be a perfect excuse to hide away for a few days. Perhaps she should tell everyone she had business in Boston and disappear for a little while.
Maybe what she needed was a nap, a shot of B12 and to suck it up and stop fucking whining. So things were hard right now. Big deal.
As soon as she arrived home she gathered her mother into the car exclaiming, manically, that they were going to do one of the last things left on her list - ring shopping. Her mother laughed, willing enough; her only protest being, "Don't you want Hanna to be here for that?"
"Of course, of course." Emma nodded quickly, legs twitching as she walked around the car, apparently not listening.
"Okay." Mary frowned at her pale daughter, "Do you have a particular place you want to go?"
"Nope! Not at all. Nope. Mall? Seems like a good place to start, right? Yup, yup, yup."
Her mind rattled on as they pulled out of the driveway. What else needed to be done for the wedding? A lot – and it was coming up quickly now. She still needed flowers and a limo, bridesmaid dresses, rings, someone to cover the liquor, marriage license, seating chart, music and oh don't forget the bachelorette party and fuck; she didn't have a dress yet! This became her mantra as she drove: flowers, limo, bridesmaid, rings, liquor, license, seating, music, party, dress.
She bounced around her mother like a hyper teenager chattering about the type of ring she wanted as they made their way through the tiny mall.
"So you're saying a simple white gold band is what you're looking for?" Her mother asked watching her as if she were an interesting but ultimately worrying reality TV show.
"Yup. Let's go! Oh wait, let's look here. Look, right there! This is my favorite mall jewelry store. Come on."
Flowers, limo, bridesmaid, rings, liquor, license, seating, music, party, dress.
Her mother took her hand, worried, as if Emma were a child again, that she might lose her in the crowd.
"Hi!" Emma chirruped at the sales woman with the plastic smile, "I'm getting married in a few months aaaaand I need a couple of wedding bands." She didn't know where the hell all the energy was coming from, but it was kind of fun. It was like the night she and Hanna had each had a few vodka/Redbulls; it had been fun. They had drunkenly played video games and then wrestled for hours - until her body had caught up with her energy level and she had crashed on the living room table, that is.
Maybe she should be doing something even more productive like she should have gone for a long run. She could probably have run to Boston and back. Or maybe she should help her mother clean out the garage. Oh boy, if Hanna were still in town they would have had the best sex ever right now.
"Okay ma'am, let's see your engagement ring so we can find a match."
She energetically pried it off, yanking her knuckle and yelping, then pulled out her phone to call Hanna; chattering about how she needed to call the lovely woman that she is marrying. "Because I actually need her opinion for this one!" she laughed.
Flowers, limo, bridesmaid, rings, liquor, license, seating, music, party, dress.
Hanna picked up on the first ring, "Hello."
"Hibabe! I'mgladyoulandedalready. GuesswhatI'mdoing? I'mpickingoutourrings. Idon'tknowwhyIthoughttodaywouldbeagoodday. Weshouldhavedoneityesterday. Youshouldbeapartofthis. IthinkIseeonethatlookslikeyoualreadysowhatareyoudoing?"
Flowers, limo, bridesmaid, rings, liquor, license, seating, music, party, dress, Ginny.
Mary's head slowly fell to the side as she contemplated her daughter, her eyebrows shooting up and then knitting together in concern.
Emma frowned back. She didn't like being studied like this, not right now, not by the woman who had been keeping this huge secret from her for five years, "What? I'm in a good mood. I'm bubbling even. I'm happy."
Was she happy?
"How much coffee have you had, Emma?" Hanna asked distractedly, the noises of the street muffling her voice.
"Almost none. A cup maybe?"
Emma waited for Hanna to respond but she had been clearly distracted by someone on the other end. "Hanna?"
"Send me pictures of the rings, okay? Janelle is here. Besides you know me you know what I like, simple and yellow gold. You don't need me."
"Oh." Emma worked diligently to keep her face expressionless despite the fact that the call had been cut off. "Okay babe!" She chirped and bounced a little in place.
"So, ma'am. Do you see any rings you like?"
Snapping a grin onto her face she pointed to the ring and asked to see it.
"Hanna busy?" Mary asked with practiced nonchalance.
"Mmhm. I'll send pictures." She held up the ring studying it, her hand trembling slightly. "This looks like Hanna, don't you think?" She snapped a picture of it and quickly sent it to Hanna, not really expecting a response.
Flowers, limo, bridesmaid, rings, liquor, license, seating, music, party, dress.
Flowers, limo, bridesmaid, rings, liquor, license, seating, music, party, dress.
Flowers, limo, bridesmaid, rings, liquor, license, seating, music, party, dress.
Her mother nodded, her focus on the shaky fingers, "It's beautiful and just a touch masculine but don't rush into anything, honey."
She agreed. "You're right, I guess but it's a simple band, right? How different can they be from store to store? Unless you think I should do it online. Should I do it online? I don't know. I'm going to look around. Thank you! Come on, Mom, let's look at another place."
Emma frowned as they walked. She was moving, she was doing what her body wanted yet, her chest was growing steadily tighter as she bounced her mother from mall jewelry store to mall jewelry store.
She found a crisp and clean thin strip of white gold for herself at store number three but still liked the band from store number one the best for Hanna. So after a milkshake in the tiny food court, which soured the moment it hit Emma's stomach, they headed back to the first store.
"So I was thinking before that I want roses at the wedding but I don't think that I do anymore. They seem so…cheesy. Do I have to have flowers at all? I mean, is there some rule that says that I have to have them? It just seems like another silly expense and they're just going to die two days later anyway. Jesus, I've never thought about that before. It kind of makes you look at the whole institution of giving flowers a little differently, doesn't it? It's like here; I like you so watch this beautiful thing die. Or balloons, have you ever thought about the fact that what we are saying when we give someone balloons is here, have a plastic bubble of my bad breath. I mean, I can't stand most people's breath. How did we come up with this? It's like-"
Flowers, limo, bridesmaid, rings, liquor, license, seating, music, party, dress, Regina.
"I don't know it's, when you think about it, kind of rude. I guess it's not if you use helium though. I don't know, I guess-"
"Emma! Emma, Emma, Emma." Her mother grasped her by the elbows ignoring the fact that just Emma bounced in her hands like a spring. "Really honey, how much coffee did you have this morning? Are you okay? You don't seem like you're okay."
"I'm fine, mom. Come on let's go get that one ring and then I'll go home and go for a run. Is it weird to go for a run at night? This is Storybrooke - it's not as though it's - dangerous or something. I guess it's kind of cold, fall and all of that. That's not weird, right? Is it weird that I think it's weird? God, you know what's weird? The fact that it is fall already. When the hell did that happen? I haven't even had a Pumpkin spice Latte yet. Ooooh, we should go get one!"
Emma tried desperately to continue on, keeping her feet and tongue moving rapidly, knowing that if she stopped moving for too long that would surely mean death. Her side throbbed excruciatingly, making her wince with each step but the only way to quiet the pain was the constant motion. Only, her mother held her tight, "Emma, what's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong, let's go!"
Flowers, limo, bridesmaid, rings, liquor, license, seating, music, party, dress.
"Emma."
"What, mom?" Emma snapped, wanting just to get moving again.
"What's wrong?"
Emma took a deep breath. What was she talking about? Why did she keep insisting something was wrong? There was nothing wrong. She was just a little tired and a little overwhelmed; that's all. She just needed to keep moving. It had been a very long day.
Her mother softly stroked her cheek, nurturing into her skin a generous dose of maternal tenderness, "Are you upset about something? Are you feeling stressed about the wedding? I know Hanna wasn't on her best behavior while she was here at first, but don't take that to heart; everyone handles stress in their own way. I know it probably mattered to you the type of impression Hanna made but,"
"I'm fine, mom. Really." She took another shuddering breath and under the warm caress of her mother and without warning; she exploded into tears. There was no build up; she was just suddenly sobbing so forcefully that she had to clutch her mother to remain upright.
The people near them jumped and scattered like cockroaches as if instead of spewing tears Emma was urinating on anything and everything near her.
Her mother jumped, startled by the sudden outburst. She pulled her tightly to her but Emma pushed away so Mary did her best to walk them toward the corner where they would get less scandalized looks. "Okay. Emma. Tell me what's going on."
Emma had expected that whenever she approached her mother about her secret, yet highly intimate knowledge of Emma's past relationship, that she would wait until she could come in swinging. She wanted to yell. She wanted to yell and stomp and growl; therefore the tears that delivered the opposite impression were unwelcomed foes. She tried hard to swallow them away, she was becoming a pro at this but all she could manage was to lessen the flow a little. "Why didn't you tell me?" She barely stifled her wet shout.
"Tell you what?"
Ugh, she wanted to be angry! She was angry! Except that actually, she was hurt and betrayed. How could her mother have done this? How is it she had kept this huge secret for all of these years for the sake of Regina? Didn't she think she would want to know?
Loneliness, thick and terrible crept up her spine then, chilling everything in its wake. Her life could have been so different but her mother, who was supposed to love her, had not been on her side. For five long years her mother had played dumb, had lied to her. Now, when she wanted to be angry, when she wanted to tell her mom to take a flying leap off of a very short cliff, she couldn't. She just wanted to cry. "Mom, why didn't you tell me about Regina?"
"Uh-huh. I see." Mary paused, considering their location before standing and pulling her toward the exit.
Emma let her mother usher her outside toward the car with no argument. She had no arguments left in her, only a numb terror at all of the facts that made up her life. Hanna and her bruises. Regina and her engagement ring. Mary and her secrets.
A mother and child backed away from them slowly, scurrying to the other side of the street, making Emma feel so much worse. She was fucking humiliating herself, god damn it. This was not like her, knock it off! She took a deep breath and held everything in but the moment they found the safety of the car the tears fought back until they were able to flow freely again. There would be no keeping them inside today.
"It doesn't matter" Emma began, "it's been so long and I'm getting married! Hanna is my partner. She is my PARTNER! It doesn't matter what happened. How could you not tell me about Regina for so long?"
"What happened?" Mary's face was all business as she listened.
"She told me!" Emma cried, letting her hands fall dead into her lap with a clap. "We talked. She told me about your meeting after I left town. How could you not have told me?"
Her mother took her hands aggressively to make her pay attention to her, "What was there to tell you, Emma? You were so angry and so hurt, what would have changed by saying she showed up?"
This response was baffling and for a moment anger warred with her sadness again. How the fuck did her mother think that choice had been hers to make? "Mom! That-"
She shook her hands and Emma quieted, "But mostly I did not tell you, Emma because Regina, your best friend and my second daughter, begged me not to. She cried and begged until I promised. I didn't know why she was so against you knowing that she had come for you, whatever the reason that's not my business, but she was. I spent-"
"THAT is what you decide wasn't your business?"
Her mother scowled at her but continued as though she hadn't interrupted, "I spent two days with her in your apartment cleaning and packing and talking and crying. By the time that was done I had made that promise. I promised because she was so angry and so hurt. I had never seen Regina like that before."
"That's how you cleaned out my apartment so fast? Regina helped you?"
"Yes."
Emma groaned, "I don't think I can take any more surprises today, mom. Did she tell you she was going to propose?"
Mary looked startled as if she hadn't expected her to know this, "No. She didn't tell me. As a matter of fact, she only told me a year ago."
"A year ago, mom!" Her fist clenched and she nearly launched herself from the car. A year ago. Her mother had known a fucking year ago.
Mary shook her head, squeezing her hands hard, "You were already engaged to Hanna. What good would it have done?"
"I don't know, mom!" Emma was finally yelling. "I have no idea but shouldn't that choice have been mine? My life could have been so different! I could have - Maybe I wouldn't be stu - I can't believe you! I can't believe that you would do this to me! You put Regina first and don't tell me it was because Regina asked you not to tell. That's bullshit, mom! You didn't tell because you liked have a card in the game. You liked knowing you were a part of our secret!"
Emma let her head fall onto the steering wheel, concentrating on breathing in and out and calming herself. She could almost feel Hanna's hand on her wrist again, tightening, slowly breaking - she could feel the shoe connecting with her tiny ribcage. She could feel Regina's thumb stroking mindlessly over her knuckles. "You know, I've always heard that planning a wedding is stressful. I've always heard it is so stressful that it can literally break the couple up, but I never knew it would be like this." She was stressed and her tears had felt magnificent a moment ago. Maybe she should let herself cry a little more, maybe that would help. Only- she couldn't. Not in front of Mary. No.
"I'm going to assume it's just the hurt that is making you say those things, sweetie." She turned to argue but gave up before she began, her head falling back into the steering wheel with a loud honk. Bitch. She thought. I love you. You're my mom. But right now, you're the bitch who held a secret from me for the last five years. A big, life-altering secret. I don't know if I can forgive you.
"It would seem to me," her mother said rubbing her back lightly, "that you have been doing a great deal more than just planning a wedding. I have also noticed that you are not eating much and you seem to be sleeping poorly most nights. That can't help with your stress level."
She didn't bother to point out the fact that all of the new things she had learned and her mother's epic betrayal might have something to do with her current stress level as well.
"You have been here for a while now Emma and you have been go, go, go since you got here. Have you noticed that? Yes, there have been mornings where you have had little to do but those are few and far between. Are you like this in New Orleans?"
She just shrugged, biting her tongue.
"Let's go home. I want you to take a bath then go to sleep early. Tomorrow is Halloween; maybe you should take some time off. Come on, I'll take you to the video store and we'll get some candy."
"Mom. Aren't you going to at least apologize? Come on, at least pretend you care that I'm hurt. Because I'm hurt, mom. Yes, I'm hurt. I'm hurt that you put Regina's need before my own for the last five years!"
Mary stared at her openly disapproving, "Honey, as far as I'm concerned, I did the right thing. It wasn't about taking sides, it was about being there for the one who needed it the most."
"It was about being there for the one that was in front of your face." Emma muttered, starting the car, stricken.
She couldn't wait to get out of this town. Things had been fine for her before she had come back home.
Because she didn't know what else to do, Emma did what she was told. They went to the video store, Storybrooke ever stuck twenty years behind the rest of the world was not up to date enough for a Redbox, and picked out a large amount of candy and a few movies before heading home.
Once home she instantly went up to bed, looking for escape. She didn't sleep however; instead she lay in the dark letting silent tears roll down her face until the early hours of the morning when she finally fell into a restless and haunted sleep.
The next morning she was puffy and unhappy, but she pulled on her running clothes, finding hope in the fact that it was Halloween. Plus, Henry was surely already there and if there was anything that could cure what ailed her it was a baby.
She tiptoed downstairs just in case the baby was asleep, but as soon as her mother spotted her she turned her around, slapped her on the backside and sent her back upstairs to bed. She complained openly, but her mother gave her the same scorching look she had used to receive as a child when she had argued that cookies were a healthy breakfast. Emma, still feeling a little twitchy, nodded grudgingly and went back upstairs for a midmorning nap.
When she came down an hour and a half later, she felt much better. It must have showed on her face because this time her mother fed her and let her go for a run.
The crisp air on Emma's face was as refreshing and revitalizing as her tears the previous night had been. A good cry was always wonderfully cathartic – when you allowed yourself to have it, that is.
She knew that the cry had only been a small part of what she needed. Her side still ached. Her wrist, though the pain was lessening, was still very sore and it still hurt to run - but it had been a start.
Despite the early hour, children already in their costumes, giggling and excited about their transformation were running around on the street and making Emma laugh.
She took a deep breath and felt a little more of the previous day's dead weight fall from her. It was Halloween. She didn't know when it had happened, but somehow her favorite season had snuck up on her. How had she missed it? All around her the leaves of the trees had turned from their deep and inviting forest green to the warm and festive shades of red, yellow and orange. She could smell the holiday in the damp air; the subtle smell of wet leaves, pumpkins and air washed clean by trees and rain. She had been so involved in her own crap that she hadn't even noticed the beauty all around her.
Did the Pumpkin Festival happen every year as it used to? She veered left and headed down Main to see. As she ran, she remembered Halloween when she was young. Growing up Halloween had always been Mary's favorite and Mary outdid herself every year.
Emma remembered all of the years she would come home from school to find that the downstairs of her childhood home had morphed, mutated and twisted into a haunted house while she had been away. She had loved to sneak through the rooms, finding little marks of the home that had been there that morning; that bump against the wall was actually their living room couch covered in a stained or painted sheet. The man, built to hide in the corner downstairs, was wearing her dad's old shirt and winter gloves. Seeing these things had always given her a thrill because she was in on the secret.
Around dusk her mother would make dinner and Emma would be flying around the house like an out of control boomerang, trying to sneak candy from the bowl for the trick or treaters and begging her father to allow her to put on her costume before she ate dinner.
Once dinner had been eaten, her mother would switch off all the lights in the house and together they would light a zillion tiny tea light candles. The small flames would make the shadows flicker and dance sending goose bumps of fear up her arms. Then Mary would click on the huge stereo and turn on the first of two Halloween cassette tapes and the house would fill with The Monster Mash or perhaps Thriller. Then, as night grew close and the parade of tiny and easily scared young ones found their way home, Emma would be given the honor of switching to tape two. Emma had loved the orange and black cassette they played every Halloween. It wasn't so much music as much as a constant soundtrack of creaking doors, fading ambulance noises, ghoulish laughter and other nightmarish Halloween sound effects that chilled and thrilled her.
Mary would click off the final lights and with that her familiar old house would transform like a fairytale, suddenly becoming a dark and winding castle with terrible secrets hidden behind every corner for her friends to find. That bump she had known so quickly during daylight would have disappeared and instead be a jutting part of the wall that you might stumble into and shriek, clutching your friends for safety.
She had loved it. She and her mother had never fought on Halloween.
Then finally her father would take over ushering the town children through the house and her mother would sit her on the bathroom counter to slowly, carefully do her makeup to fit her costume.
Just after the sun was completely gone from the sky there would be a slam from the living room as young Regina would come tearing past David with the smallest kiss hello and head straight for the bathroom, costume in hand. She was always breathless, having just escaped a household fight or perhaps another drunken W.A.S.P. benefit at the Mills' home.
Mary would squeeze Regina onto the counter side by side with Emma and decorate her face as well.
As the knocks and shrieks of trick-or-treaters finding their way through the hallways grew in volume, she and her father or later she and Regina would head down the street trick or treating, hitting the same households they had always hit. When their street was thoroughly picked over they would turn the corner and start on their favorite blocks, chosen based on who gave the best treats.
The Nolan's downstairs haunted houses had become part of Storybrooke lore by the time Ruby had joined their little group. Even though they were far too big to fit three of them on the bathroom counter, they tried and found a way to be successful annually.
Emma laughed as she thought about these things. She missed being young when the holidays still held magic. When Santa Claus still came every December 25th and beloved stuffed animals became terrifying beasts in the darkness of Halloween night. It just wasn't as fun to be an adult. Where was the magic? She missed magic.
She turned into the parking lot of the elementary school, not at all surprised to see that the space had been taken over by booths; bobbing for apple stations, pumpkin carving stations, cider stations and every type of carnival game that you could imagine. Storybrooke never changed!
Without hesitation, she turned on her heels and jogged her way home.
"So I was thinking." Emma teetered in the doorway of the kitchen, not daring to take the small boy from her mother's loving arms until given permission, for fear of losing her fingers.
"What, sweetie?"
"I was thinking … that maybe… IcouldgetsometimewithHenrynow." She ducked in teasing fear making her mother roll her eyes.
"I don't know, honey. You have never taken care of a baby before."
Emma scoffed and crossed her arms, sure that her mother was only teasing but still not entirely confident that her mother would hand over the cooing boy anyway. "Regina trusts me with her baby."
Mary laughed with a twinkle in her eye, "Are you sure that she doesn't simply trust that I will be here?"
She frowned, this was a good point but she came up with a tactic quickly. "Well maybe, mom but here's the thing, how am I ever going to be a good enough mom for your grandbabies if I go into the whole motherhood thing with no experience?"
Her mother stared at her for a moment as if trying to decide whether this was a silly thing to say or not. "Alright, but I'll be right here."
"Actually," she kissed his cherub cheeks and then nestled him on her hip, "I was thinking we were going to go to the Pumpkin Festival."
Mary began to fret instantly, "Oh but honey, it's so cold! Oh, I don't know –"
"Mom," Emma cut her off with a smile, "we'll be okay. You gotta give me a chance, here. Regina would give me a chance."
It was true, she had never taken care of a baby for more than a few minutes at a time, but these hazel orbs were so damn addicting that now seemed like a good time to start. Plus, a silly little part of her wanted Regina to know that it was her who had taken care of her son, not Mary.
They headed for the living room where the mountain of things that came with Henry was still sitting.
"Guah!" Henry cried, his little fist shaking up and down to make his point.
"Oh yeah?"
"Guah! OooohUah!"
Regina had said that this was his newest discovered sound and Emma could believe it. Each time it shot from his mouth he seemed to be mildly surprised and extremely proud of himself. So he did it often.
"Guah!"
"Guah!" Emma copied and Henry's eyes grew wide, shocked that someone could know his secret baby language. Then he let out a high pitched shrieking laugh and tumbled backward into the couch cushions, slayed by the hilarity of it all.
"See, we got this, huh little man?" Emma pulled Henry's little hand to hers in a tiny high five. "Yeah, alright!"
She pulled on the thick suit that made the boy look like a puffy plaid snowman and a soft wool hat, which he promptly pulled off again. "Hey!" she cried making an overly exaggerated sad face. The boy grinned; he didn't know what he had done exactly but he knew that the crazy lady in front of him was funny. Emma pulled on the hat again and waited. Sure enough his unsteady hands took two tries to grab it securely but once he had it, with a tug, it was in his lap again.
"Here." Mary appeared from behind her. She pulled a matching puffy hood from the bag of clothes and zipped it onto his collar, then with graceful skill she pulled the hood on and tightened it just a bit so that he couldn't pull it off again.
He fussed, his hiccupping breaths warning of a tantrum as he tried to rip it from his head. Emma's heart began to pick up its pace as the boy's lips started to pull into a pout. "Oh my god, he's gonna cry. Should I hold him?" Before Mary could answer Emma swept him into her arms and it was instantly evident that had been the wrong thing to do. The boy puckered up his lips and began to wail, head back with tears pouring down his face. Emma began to swear, until swearing some more, she realized that sensitive ears were present.
Mary watched her flail for a bit before saying in a soft voice, "Is he wet?"
"How do I know?" Emma cried, bouncing the screaming boy that only succeeded in giving his screams a comical wobble.
"Pinch the front of his diaper. Is it squishy?"
Emma reached for the diaper but paused, "I won't, I don't know, squeeze his – stuff?"
Mary did her best to keep a straight face "No honey, you just want to pinch the front, only about a centimeter or so."
Hesitantly Emma pinched the diaper, "No it doesn't feel squishy but I don't know. I'm probably wrong."
Mary pinched the diaper as well, "No honey, you were right. Okay, so if he's not wet, what else could be wrong?"
The little boy's sweet face was turning a shade of tomato red and Emma yelped in a panic, "Um, I don't know! I don't know! Mom, take him! Make it stop!"
"No, no. It's okay Emma. Crying won't hurt him. Think about it. What else could be wrong?"
"Hungry?"
"Right. Good. This one we know isn't the problem because I just fed him, however, come here." Mary pulled her daughter to her and showed her how to offer the baby her knuckle; insisting that if he were hungry he would start sucking. "The other choice is gas. Feel his tummy, press like this – right, good. Does it feel hard?"
"No?"
"Right. So it's probably not that. So what is left?"
"I don't know!" Emma's mood was falling. She was terrible at this! How could anyone trust her with a baby? No one should ever give her one!
"Try distraction."
"What?"
"Try distracting him. He didn't like the hat, Emma."
"You couldn't have just told me that in the first place?" Uncertainly Emma reached for a stuffed clown on top of the pile of toys and began to shake it in front of him, cooing and making silly noises. It took a minute or more but eventually the boy was caught by the silly show and his tears ceased.
"Oh thank god," Emma sighed plopping down on the couch with the boy and his clown nestled in her lap. The whole experience had lasted perhaps two minutes, but she felt like she had just run an emotional 5K.
"It will get easier too, honey." Mary insisted, "Eventually you will be able to tell the difference between all of his different cries."
Emma glared at her mother, "Yeah, well. I won't be here for that, remember?"
She ignored her, "Do you still want to go?"
Emma eyed the boy apprehensively, "What if he does that in public?"
"Then I just taught you what to do. Go have fun, honey. I'm sure Regina would love to know that you and Henry are getting to know one another."
"Okay, mom," Emma said after she had changed into her jeans and leather jacket, "I have diapers, a bottle and I don't know – whatever else was in there in this freaking tent of a backpack. Anything else I need?"
Her mother shook her head seeing clearly that Emma's verbose confidence from earlier had shifted into nervous tension. "Relax. It isn't as though you will be very far. Just don't stay out too long. It's cold."
With her mother's encouragement, the two started down the street toward the festival.
Henry oohed and Guah-ed as they went, Emma pointing out especially orange leaves or the neighbor animals, feeling as though she was holding a ticking time bomb.
It was clear that the little boy couldn't see much of what she was trying to show him, but he seemed pleased nevertheless at the attention he was receiving. She had put on the industrial baby backpack that Regina had left and while the thing looked like a piece of heavy machinery; they both were comfortable on their walk. Soon Emma's nerves began to melt away; a peaceful link to the boy was building in its place. She had spent little time with him and she was already becoming quite fond of him; he had personality. He made his likes and his dislikes clear and though it was probably in her head she felt like he liked her. What was going to happen after she spent the full day with him? What was going to happen when she had to leave him in a few months?
"Guah! Gahhh buah!"
"Uh huh," she babbled back forgetting to be embarrassed that people were watching her, "You see the bird? What do birds say? That's right, tweet tweet tweet." She looked both ways three times before crossing the road, telling Henry all about the times she had spent at this very festival with his mother when they were girls.
She and Henry didn't stay long as the temperature seemed to be dropping quickly. They did stay long enough to get their faces painted and to run into half of her high school class, a few of the city's bigwigs such as Mr. Gold and his girlfriend and a grinning happy Ingrid who was surprisingly warm to Emma and surprisingly cool to Henry.
They shared a cup of cider with Auntie Ruby at her booth and scared a few of the locals with a small crying fit before Emma decided it was time to go.
"Oh my god, what have you done to your faces?" Mary asked, looking both amused and terrified when they appeared in the doorway.
"We're pumpkins. What?"
Mary just shook her head and snapped a few pictures.
Emma showered while Mary gave Henry a bath in the sink and the three settled on the couch in front of It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.
"Do you remember the year that you and Regina decided that you could cover more ground if you wore roller blades while trick-or-treating?"
Emma laughed, covering her face in the embarrassment that could only come from remembering the senseless things you did as a stupid pre-teen. "Oh god, yeah, I do. We thought we were so smart! At least I had the sense to dress up in something that made sense with roller blades. Regina showed up in that long vampire dress, remember? It got caught in her wheels."
Mary laughed, "I don't think I've ever seen road rash that bad. There was so much blood but little Dr. Mills wanted to clean herself up. How old were you? Thirteen or so?"
"Yeah, that was during my I-love-extreme-sports phase. I think that was one of the last years that we went trick or treating."
Mary just shook her head.
Emma's phone buzzed and she was pleased to see it was a group text from Ruby proposing a plan of horror movies and perhaps a pizza. Originally they had planned to dress up and go to the annual Halloween party at the Jefferson loft. It was a huge event that the entire town went to; filled with dancing, drinking, eating and a costume party but Regina had been working all day and Ruby had been running her booth at the festival. Neither of them wanted to come home simply to get dressed and go out again.
"Looks like I'll have some company tonight, Ma. Is that alright?"
"Ruby and Ginny?"
"Yeah."
Mary laughed looking genuinely happy and squeezed her daughter's hand again, "I love having you home, sweetie."
Emma smiled. There was something so comforting about being home, wasn't there? She had taken her mother's queue and was pretending they hadn't been fighting the night before. Rarely did Emma agree with this course of action but today she was all for it, as long as it meant she didn't have to talk about anything significant.
Emma text messaged Regina the picture her mother had taken of herself and Henry, chuckling as she looked at it. God, she knew she was just making it up, living vicariously, but somehow the boy did look like he could be part Emma, part Regina. She paused for a moment and then clicked the Use As Home Page button, so it settled hidden under her lock screen photo of Hanna and then went to prepare a bottle for the irritable boy.
"So uh, mom, I was thinking about laying down for a bit."
"Alright, dear. Henry probably needs to go down too."
"Yeah, right. So I was thinking, would it be okay with you if I put the Packn' play in uh, my room?" She couldn't quite read the look that passed over Mary's face but was pleased when she quickly smiled and promised that she was not offended.
Together they fed the growing very sleepy boy and then Mary showed her how to place him down in the Packn' play and rub his back and pat his butt to put him to sleep.
Soon Henry was asleep and with a kiss on the forehead and a promise that Emma would one day make an excellent mother, Mary left them to their own devices.
Emma stripped down to her long sleeve that she never took it off these days and underwear to stretch out under her blankets enjoying the feeling of the warmth then grabbed her computer.
She had clicked the TV on to a low volume, remembering what Regina had told her before; if you want him to sleep through it then it needs to be on when he falls asleep. Next she went through her email. She was surprised to see that she had an email from the tiny boutique informing her that her wedding dress had been found and did she still want it.
Excited, Emma scrolled through, delighted. Now she wouldn't have to look for a dress. She had been dreading the experience of going to a shop where the women fawned over you, helping you try on ugly dress after ugly dress. Without hesitation, she clicked the order now button. She felt a shiver run down her spine the moment she clicked the confirm order button. It was as though time should have stopped for a second or two in order to mark the occasion. A huge step had been taken and there was no going back now.
Once she had ordered it, she put in the first movie on the TV that had been placed across from the foot of her bed since she was seventeen years old.
Eventually, she could hear the sound of children running up and down the street outside of her window, laughing and yelling and the doorbell blaring every few minutes followed by a loud chorus of trick or treat! It was the usual All Hallows Eve din.
She was comfortably relaxed on the window seat surrounded by the darkness of her room, her attention torn between the outside children, the psychopathic killer dog on screen and the little boy who was lying contentedly on her stomach.
She had given him another bottle and changed a diaper she knew she would never forget – ever. Now he was completely absorbed in the task of trying to grasp the necklace she was wearing and get it to his mouth; his cries of frustration and confusion earsplitting.
His GUAH's had turned into high-pitched kettle screams, but she imagined it was his end of the conversation as she rambled to him about very little of anything.
She was exhausted. He wasn't a high maintenance baby, but the act of merely watching and worrying over him for most of the day was draining. It produced the type of tired she only felt after hours of laborious and emotionally stressful writing; the kind of writing that, once completed, meant instantly falling asleep, mouth open and drooling on her keyboard. It was nice to simply sit with Henry, feeling his warm weight and closeness and watch the children on the street.
She didn't recognize a lot of the costumes, sure they were based on characters she was too old and too childless to know, but there was still a generous supply of Batman and Spider Man and princesses. She sighed as she watched them run and laugh, scaring one another around bushes or in doorways.
What would it be like to have a little face in the crowd that was my own? What would they wear?
A small face painted as a bumblebee caught sight of her in the window and waved wildly, fear of strangers abandoned on this most sacred of sugar filled nights. Emma laughed and waved back calling, "Happy Halloween!"
She felt that incomplete hole she held in her heart twinge as the girl giggled and scampered down the street to the next house. Without thinking she slid her hand down her flat stomach, mourning the lack of a baby bump, feeling empty and unused, dry and hollow. She had never been used in that way and she didn't know if she ever would. She had no idea if she would ever get the family she desired so intensely. She wondered for the millionth time how it was Hanna could not want a family. She pictured her mother readying her own child for a night of trick or treating on the bathroom sink and frowned. No that wasn't right, if they were going to have kids then it would be in New Orleans, wouldn't it? They would only see their grandmother at Christmas and maybe during summer vacation.
She was still angry with her mother but that thought was a horrible one.
Weren't children supposed to be raised near their grandparents? Could she do it if her mother lived thousands of miles away? Did she want to?
She wondered how long it would be before Regina would adopt another, or perhaps carry one herself. Would it be with Ingrid? She wondered what Regina's sperm donor would look like. Would he have flowing blonde hair as Ingrid did or would she choose based on things other than physical appearance? Did she still want twin boys followed by a little girl or had her opinion changed since gaining Henry?
She looked down into the angel face, wiping up the steady stream of drool and wondered if he would make a good big brother. Of course he would; any child raised by Regina would be a good older sibling. She would have taught them well.
A cool breeze blew across her face like a godsend and washed away the thoughts, distracting her into contemplations of the seasons and what the upcoming winter would bring.
Around dinnertime her mother came in with a popped bottle of pumpkin beer, something Hanna had taught Emma to love. Emma took it with a distracted grin, still sitting in the window, her mind back to children.
She took a seat on the opposite side of the window seat and softly caressed Emma's bare foot, "I really did think I was right, you know."
Emma nodded taking a sip, "I know, ma. You always do."
She could tell that response had hurt her mother but she couldn't take it back; it was the truth.
"I can tell you're up here worrying instead of relaxing. You're supposed to be relaxing sweetie."
"I was just watching the children and thinking about the fact that Hanna still doesn't want one. I mean, Regina said that when you handed her Henry she looked at him like he was disgusting. I think she even used the term sack of rotten potatoes."
She mother smiled a smile that clearly wasn't real, "Uh huh. And what are you going to do about that, Emma?"
Emma shrugged, "Convince her that she's wrong."
Her mother took her hands, "Emma, this wedding is happening very soon. Call me silly but to me for a marriage to work you need to share life goals, right? Have you thought at all about the fact that Hanna might never want children?"
"She will. I'm sure of it. Plus she made that comment when I first got here; remember? I'm not sure what it meant, we never got to talk about it, but I'm sure it was a good sign." She didn't tell her that she that she was terrified Hanna would never be convinced or worse and more likely she would eventually give her reluctant consent and then want nothing to do with the child.
Her mother looked as if she wanted to argue but decided against it, "Can I get you anything else?"
"Nope."
"How about this one?"
"I think he's okay actually. This necklace is magic."
Mary chuckled, "What time are the girls getting here?"
"Not until later tonight, Ginny's working until ten I think."
Mary nodded and kissed them both before returning to the trick or treaters.
Thoughts still on children, Emma decided to call Hanna.
"GUAH!" Henry cried angrily the moment that Hanna answered the phone.
"Um. What? Hello?"
"Sorry" Emma laughed, sitting him back against her knees. His face screwed up, unhappy about the position change, so she plopped him back down and handed him his teething ring – which he proceeded to beat against her chest like a tiny mallet. "Ow! Calm down, dude. I have Henry."
"You do, huh?"
"Babysitting." Could Hanna sound any less interested? She didn't think so. God, that was annoying.
"I see."
"So whatcha doin', babe?"
"Nothing, just getting into my costume."
"What did you decide to be and where are you going?"
"Janelle convinced me to dress as something pretty good. I'll send you a picture. I think we are going out to the Quarter. There is some kind of drag thing at Scarlett."
"Oh. Cool." Emma could hear that she sounded just as disinterested as Hanna had seemed about Henry. There was music and yelling in the background. It sounded as though the whole nightclub possy was in her apartment. "Are you guys getting ready at home?"
"Yup." Hanna began to laugh heartily at someone in the background, "Oh my god, babe, Pete just dropped your book in the toilet. Oh my god dude, no more for you!"
Emma sat up, startling Henry, "My book? The Thing You Love Most?"
"Yeah. He was reading it. Did you know we forgot to give him a copy?"
"That's because I didn't know he could read." Emma griped. "Which copy? The one from the bookcase?"
"Uh, coffee table. Hey, shut the fuck up!" Hanna yelled to the rowdy group she was with.
"The one sitting on the table?" Emma asked weakly, gloom washing over her. "You mean the one that always sits there? Is it ruined?"
Hanna was far too busy with the others in the room to hear her future wife.
"Hanna!"
"Hmm?"
"Is it ruined? It's ruined isn't it?"
"Oh god, don't get your panties in a fucking twist. You always make such a big deal about everything. It's not like we don't have ten other copies."
Sadness turned to anger and then back to depression, "Hanna that was the first copy ever printed."
"Oh uh, shit. Right. Don't worry it will dry; I'll hit it with the blow dryer. Look, I'll call you back later. We need to go."
"Yeah. Okay." Emma hung up unsure if she was more depressed that her book, an absolute prized possession had been destroyed or if the thing that got her was that Hanna didn't seem to understand why it mattered to her. She pulled herself from the window and cuddled with Henry under the blankets.
"Guah!"
The corner of her mouth twitched, "That's right. Guah."
At about seven o'clock her phone vibrated and she laughed to see a picture message from Regina. It was Regina, the receptionist and another person she assumed was the other doctor all sporting gaudy surgical masks and holding fake overly large syringes and scissors. The picture was captioned "Just doing what we do best". She clicked a photo of herself and Henry, "We're hanging out in bed. Happy Halloween. Hurry up and get here. We're waiting for you." It wasn't until the text has disappeared into cyberspace that she realized just how that could have been interpreted. She spent the next thirty minutes blushing and kicking herself.
Around 8:00 P.M. her arms were just as exhausted as the rest of her from holding Henry up on his feet so he could sway his hips and giggle madly but she knew she had no choice. He was beginning to grow grumpy as the evening grew closer to bedtime despite the huge bottle and yet another diaper change.
It was around then, trying to console the screaming exhausted boy that she finally received the picture from Hanna – which she found to be unpleasantly surprising - or perhaps unpleasantly not surprising. Hanna was wrapped in a long toga that hid the correct places and exposed others that Emma would have preferred had also remained hidden. Her skin was painted a bronzed gold and her face had been painted into Greek splendor. The picture was captioned 'Look what Janelle made me do'.
Hanna had never been one to flaunt her feminine side outside of an occasional swipe of eyeliner so this was a surprise. She was slightly uncomfortable with the amount of skin Hanna was showing, but Hanna did look great. What had caught Emma's eye, however, and sent a tickle of nauseated stress through her stomach was the rosy glow in Hanna's cheeks and the half empty Costco sized bottle of vodka and empty shot glasses that had been forgotten at the side of the photo.
She had expected some bumps in the Hanna staying sober process, but she had hoped the nasty turn of events during her recent visit would help to keep the promised sobriety in place - at least for a little while. She had only just left. The bruise on Emma's wrist still hurt!
She decided not to respond. What would happen if Hanna got as drunk as she had when she was in Storybrooke with her? What would she do? Would she hurt someone? Would she sleep with someone? What was Drunk-Hanna capable of doing? Had she thought Emma only meant staying sober when she was with her? She felt the angry frustration burn behind her eyes and decided to close them against it.
She wondered idly if she should have chosen to get dressed up and go out for the holiday instead of staying in with her thoughts. She knew she would have if she were home in New Orleans. She would be accompanying Hanna to the club - of course.
No, she decided she didn't miss the loud beat and the scented fog machines.
Thirty minutes after she got the picture from Hanna her phone buzzed again. It was Ruby saying she had just been asked out on a date for the evening by 'a total hunk' and couldn't make it over.
She groaned into her pillow; she had been looking forward to the company. She supposed Regina would need to come by to pick up Henry, but it seemed as though her Halloween plans were over.
Disappointed and a tad lonely she finally surrendered and put Henry down a half an hour early. He whimpered for a few minutes before falling into an open mouthed sleep, his tiny diapered butt in the air. She had been looking forward to spending some quality time with her friends, doing something they used to love. After a moment's contemplation, she decided to put the first movie of the Child's Play series on, despite her lack of company. It was still Halloween and therefore she had to watch her favorites even if she was going to be alone. It wasn't Halloween without her 'friend to the end'.
Henry didn't stay asleep for long however and by the time Aunt Maggie was finding the Good Guy shoe print in the flour Emma was pacing the room as he screamed from his makeshift crib, harder and louder than he had all night.
She cooed. She sang. She talked. She begged. The boy was relentless, refusing to give in to sleep and bringing tears of worry to Emma's eyes. She knew that you weren't supposed to pick up a baby once you put him down for the night, something about learning to self-sooth, but she was sure that she couldn't handle this. She rubbed his back and whispered in her most calming voice but the boy just continued to scream as though someone was trying to kill him.
"Come on, Em. Calm down." She paced a little longer, but she couldn't do it. She sat on the bed and set an alarm on her phone.
Two minutes.
If he was still crying in two minutes then she was going to pick him up, she didn't care what child experts had to say.
She watched every single second on the timer click down, rocking in place and hovering over the Packn' play. With a sigh of relief, the alarm went off and Henry was in her arms again. For a stressed filled moment, Emma thought that perhaps holding him was not going to help but then he began to mumble, rubbing his sleepy face into her collarbone. She cooed and rocked him for a short while and his body started to grow limp with sleep.
Tentatively she slid onto the bed and leaned back against her bed frame, afraid to breath lest he wake and the whole thing begin again. Henry stirred a little more but once his hand found his mouth and he began to suck, he fell asleep quickly and completely. Emma rested her cheek against the tiny, soft head overwhelmed by the emotions flooding her.
Magic. That was magic that had just happened. The boy had been a screaming blubbering mess and all it had taken was her presence to calm him.
This feeling….god this feeling was crazy addicting. She sighed and kissed his head before comfortable, at peace, she feel asleep.
A while later the door slowly creaked open but the woman and the infant boy were unaware of the new company. If Emma had seen the look on Regina's face when she rounded the corner and spotted them, she surely would have been involuntarily plunged into hours of confused contemplation. She would have known the look there but Emma would not have understood why it had a place there in her features.
Regina sighed, setting down the beer and pizza and took the rarely given opportunity to study Emma. She couldn't do this during Emma's waking hours for fear that she would betray herself. Softly, gently she stroked her fingers across Emma's cheek. Emma's nose twitched as if she had an itch, but she kept on sleeping.
Regina chuckled to herself, warm affection blossoming in her chest.
It still blew her away that Emma had returned. She had thought, and not very long ago either, that Emma had been lost to her and yet here she was asleep, in her underwear, with her son across her chest.
It was all so domestic; a pleasant picture to come home to. For just a fleeting moment she wished...
"Em. Hey. Emma." Emma's eyelashes fluttered and then she smiled up at Regina.
"Hey, you're home."
"I am. You two look comfortable."
Emma smiled, cupping the boy's butt, "We are."
"Do you want some help?"
Emma grinned sleepily, happy to stretch when Henry was carefully deposited into the Packn' Play.
"You were supposed to wait for me!" Regina frowned, pointing with annoyance at the movie.
"Um," Emma was surprised; "are you staying?" She had assumed that since Ruby had canceled the movie that Regina would too.
Instead, she watched as Regina tossed her things onto the bed, kicked off her shoes with a moan and sat in the computer chair next to the desk, legs crossed; the picture of ease. Emma in response had pulled the blankets up to her chest and stared.
"Um. Ginny?" She hadn't bothered to get into anything other than her undies and long sleeve because she thought she would be alone. With a glance, she double checked to see if her bruised wrist and knee was covered.
Regina was busy pulling down her hair and watching the screen, "Hmm?"
"Um."
Regina pulled the pizza box to them and handed her a slice, "I'm not usually one to eat like this, but I just don't have the energy to cook right now. Would you like a drink?"
She took one, still staring.
"What?" Regina finally snapped, unable to openly ignore Emma anymore.
"I didn't think you were staying."
Emma saw through Regina's innocent confusion, "Why? Didn't we have plans?"
She wanted to explain but she didn't have any words other than I guess I assumed that sitting in my room - in the dark - alone – while I'm in my underwear - was out for us.
Regina sighed, dropping the act "I was planning on staying in this chair. I wasn't going to get into bed without your permission like I would have in the past, don't worry. If you're worried then put on a pair of pants. I don't think we will be able to watch more than one. Can we start this one over? I love the first one."
Emma thought it over as Regina rambled. It wasn't inappropriate for her to be here with Regina, right? They were just watching a movie. There was no risk of - anything.
Regina eyed her warily, "Emma, I'm too tired to drive home. Are you truly not okay with this? I can go downstairs if you would prefer. "
"No, no, I'm good." She responded quickly, too quickly and Regina laughed.
"Do you want a beer too?" Emma asked just to cover her blunder.
Regina shook her head, "I got it and then they told me that I am on call."
"You're on call? You literally just worked all day!"
"I know, but I only need to go back if the staff is overwhelmed, which, in truth, might happen. People make poor life choices on Halloween."
They ate the pizza and watched the movie. They jumped and laughed at each other and slowly relaxed. Emma could tell Regina was uncomfortable in the rolling chair but doing her best to elegantly pretend she wasn't for the sake of propriety - or perhaps just for the sake of their comfort. It made Emma feel terrible. She could see the huge bags under Regina's eyes and after that many hours on her feet she was willing to bet they hurt terribly. Regina was trapped by her inability to drive home without worrying about her son's safety. Would she sleep on the sofa? That just seemed strange. In the twenty years Emma had known Regina had she ever slept on the couch?
"Ginny, just come get in."
"I'm all right, Em." Regina swore, staring fixedly at the screen.
Emma cocked an eyebrow non-threateningly, biting back hundreds of inappropriate jokes and quips but as usual Regina seemed to hear every single on and couldn't hold in her laughter.
"Fine." Giving in she slid under the covers, next to but not touching her. "Do you think that perhaps you should put on a pair of pants, Em?" She asked dryly.
The crooked grin was on Emma's lips before she could stop it, "Why? Uncomfortable, Gin?"
Regina blinked a few times; side swiped and then leaned back, clearly having decided that ignoring Emma was the best thing to do in this situation.
Emma smiled to herself and sat back, doing her best to play at comfortable. See, they could totally pull this off. They had sat this way together a thousand times or more. It was no big deal.
Emma wondered if Regina was as excruciatingly uncomfortable under her mask of comfort as she was.
She was all for them going back to how things were before their relationship had changed for the better and then changed for the worse but this - was difficult to handle. Regina shifted; scrubs accidently brushing her leg and Emma jumped, her skin burning. Regina, however, didn't seem to notice. Maybe it was just Emma who was focusing too much on what they had been in the past and not enough on what they are now.
By the beginning of the second movie, it was late and getting easier to be comfortable. Emma had found a spot leaning against the corner the bed was shoved into, her arms behind her head and Regina had settled against the pillows along the edge. The sound of the trick or treaters outside had long mellowed into the occasional bellow or shriek of a teenager as they roamed the streets. Henry had remained quiet, sleeping peacefully on the other side of the room.
She had been enjoying the movie, enjoying the chummy closeness with Regina when a television scream jarred her awake. She blinked a few times trying to acclimate to the room, the TV repeating the disk menu, the air sleepy and thick.
Oh. She had fallen asleep. God, when had she gotten too old to stay up for a movie marathon?
She was now resting on her side, hands under her cheek, facing Regina, who had fallen asleep as well, an arm over her head and her face tilted toward Emma, a breath away.
Emma struggled to wake herself entirely, fuzzily unfocused.
In her half wakeful state, her walls dropped away and she forgot to stop herself from getting caught by Regina's beauty. She rarely allowed herself this privilege because with it always came pain and all too aware looks in those coffee eyes. She looked at her perfectly full lips branded with the scar she had received as a child, her angular chin and perfectly shaped nose. For once the makeup was thin, her eyes barely darkened, her lips with only the barest hint of rouge.
She knew this woman. She knew this woman more than she knew herself, more than she knew Hanna or Mary or Ruby. She knew the exact shade of her eyes. She knew exactly how her eyelashes would flutter as she woke. She knew the small smile Regina would carry if she caught Emma looking. She knew exactly what Regina would say if she realized she had fallen asleep. She knew her. So why did this feel so complicated? It was stupid. It was stupid and she would have no more of it. She decided then and there to be done with the awkwardness and the worry about being inappropriate in some way.
Reaching for the remote she clicked off the TV, nestled into her covers and then froze when Henry let out an annoyed sigh in his sleep. No need to worry that the sudden silence would wake Regina. She had always slept like a rock but after she had begun her medical training Emma had found that you could jump up and down on her and it wouldn't wake her. Henry, however, was a different story. She held her breath as his tiny little body debated if he should wake or not. He let out a long sleep filled sigh and Emma relaxed.
It had only been one night, but this whole parent thing was hard. Wait, caregiver – babysitter. She rolled her eyes in the darkness and buried her face in the pillows.
She could smell Regina in the sheets. She didn't smell exactly as she usually did, the smell of the clinic added a new metallic, medicinal scent. Still there was enough of her there that Emma felt the familiar comfort wash over her and with a yawn she let her eyes close. This had been the best Halloween she had in a while.
A large buzzing woke her what felt like seconds later. Disoriented she hugged tighter against her bedfellow, burying her face between her shoulder blades and trying to block out the noise that was interrupting her much-desired sleep.
"Shit." Regina moaned, rolling over in Emma's arms. Both women jumped a little, pulling away, but groggy exhaustion muted their alarm.
"Sorry. What time is it?" Emma groaned, rubbing her face and getting up for Henry, who had heard the noise and was off, babbling and giggling at his toes.
"Seven. Hmm, I guess we fell asleep." Regina sighed, checking her ringing phone.
"Hi, beautiful boy!" Emma grinned and felt her heart flutter as he grinned back.
Regina flipped open her phone and with a few grunts her conversation was over.
"I have to go into work."
"Seriously? What? No! Ginny, you didn't get enough sleep. You look like you're going to drop." Emma gasped as she began to change Henry's diaper.
Regina chuckled darkly, "I haven't had enough sleep in months. I'll be just fine but oh, Henry!"
Emma could see the plea in Regina's desperate eyes and nodded before Regina had to ask, "It's fine. Really. We will be fine."
"Em -"
"We're fine, Ginny."
Regina ran around the room gathering her work belongings and glancing mournfully at her son. "I'll be back as soon as possible. I promise." Though Emma couldn't be sure if she was saying it to the boy or to her. "Regina, he will be fine."
"Okay, I know. Okay. I just hate this. He's my son; I should be with him."
"And you will be. As soon as you get off of work. So go; the sooner you go, the sooner you return."
Regina nodded flustered and quickly gave the boy a peck on the cheek, heading out the door.
Emma sat on the bed with a thump as soon as Regina was gone. She wouldn't admit it, but she was dead tired!
They headed downstairs where Mary took him so Emma could make a cup of coffee.
They spent the morning playing, Emma drinking coffee as though it would save her from certain death. Then around noon she called Ruby to see if she wanted to do lunch just to get out of the house, "So how was your date?"
Ruby laughed, "He wasn't worth giving up a night with the girls."
"No good in bed, huh?"
Ruby scoffed on the other line, "Anyway. Yes. Lunch. Let's go to Ingrid's. I've been craving that sandwich all freaking week."
"Really?"
"Oh come on, Emma. Green isn't your color."
"I'm not - ugh, fine. Whatever. I'll meet you there."
The look on Ruby's face when Emma rounded the corner with Regina's son was a hilariously bad version of casual curiosity. "You know, I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure that is not yours."
"Funny." Emma would have come up with a snarky reply but while coffee kept her on her feet, it didn't necessarily give her the mental faculties for a task such as that. "Ginny came by last night."
"She did, huh?" Ruby smirked devilishly.
"It wasn't like that Rubes, we just hung out and watched movies then she got called into work. Don't give me that look, lady, I'm engaged."
"I guess that talk did what she wanted it to." Before Emma could ask what the hell that meant, Ruby grinned, "Oh, speak of the devil!"
"Huh?"
"Regina."
She heard her quick step behind her and Regina fell into the seat next to her, looking pale and sickly. She smiled weakly at them, taking the half of Emma's sandwich she hadn't started yet and pulling Henry into her lap. It flustered Emma how pleased she was to see her and how much she didn't want to give the boy up.
"Did you just get off?"
"Yes, but I only have time to eat something, run home, change and take a nap because my shift starts at eight tonight. I have to admit when I got called in at seven this morning I was a little unhappy. I'm tired. Oh and I called his Nanny, so you're off of babysitting duty. Thank you, Em."
Ruby whipped around, appraising Emma up and down, no doubt remembering Emma saying they had been together until Regina got called in.
Emma rolled her eyes and shook her head, "Is that normal to work like that?"
Regina chuckled vaguely, "I'm not sure actually. We have been understaffed since I began. I'm not sure what a typical schedule would be. There are benefits at times to the schedule of course. Sometimes it is nice to get off at five in the morning, as I will tomorrow. The nanny is scheduled until eight so I can go and have a big breakfast and then go for a run at dawn."
Emma grinned back at her until Regina's face changed, "Good morning!" She called to Ingrid who had just appeared behind the counter covered in flour.
Emma studied her plate as Regina kissed Ingrid and Ingrid laughed, wiping the transferred flour off Regina's chin. She couldn't help but to notice that Ingrid barely acknowledged Regina's son. What was with that?
"You don't just get off and collapse after shifts like that?" Ruby asked, dumbfounded.
"No. I used to, but now I find that it's better for me to wait until the end of the day so that I don't get my days and nights reversed."
After the food had been demolished, they split to go their different ways. Emma drove by the mall to pick up the ring she had not picked up before, mourning the loss of her little companion then went home where she changed back into her pajamas. There were things that she could be doing but her body aggressively said no.
Around early evening, it occurred to her that she had not heard from Hanna, but she banished the unwanted thought. Just then she didn't want to worry about Hanna. She was sure she was okay, just busy. She ate a huge dinner that night, brushed her teeth and then went to bed very early to toss and turn.
Her mind felt as if it was simply too full to settle into sleep. Regina haunted it, the too long list of things she needed to do for the wedding, mixed bitterly with a hint of Hanna's absence.
Would Hanna have enjoyed an evening such as Emma's had the evening before or would she have been too busy running after a party? Would she have understood the sadness Emma felt when she watched those children running up and down the street? If Emma had been home, would her night have been dominated by body shots and go-go dancers dressed as Franken-bitch or Sexy Wilma Flintstone?
One thing was slowly becoming apparent to Emma. She was beginning to feel her age here in Storybrooke. It was like she was coming slowly out of some type of mental fog and she wasn't sure she could go back to going out four times a week to drink and party when she returned home. She was ready for a different life. Perhaps she had grown accustom to their lifestyle before she moved and therefore she hadn't noticed it but here in this city so far from her home, she saw a different sort of life. Well-adjusted adults living with ease and stability that was easy and simple. They had cars. They had houses. They had families. She had always told people that she hadn't been able to feel the age gap but the longer she was in Storybrooke the older she felt...and the younger Hanna looked.
She got up and paced the floor. And what was she going to do about Hanna when it came to having a family? Her mind couldn't seem to stay away from this line of thought anymore, it nagged at her constantly. Yes, there was a chance that Hanna would grow into the desire for a family. She knew that Hanna was at the brink where her desires in life should suddenly transition into the phase that Emma was already in, where her priorities would switch from money, fun and friends to home, stability and family. But what if even after that transition Hanna didn't want children? How had she not paid more attention to this? Was it possible that she been so blinded by her want to marry in general that she hadn't noticed these problems or had she been so used to their life that she had to step out of it to see them? There were so many things they needed to discuss before the wedding and she wasn't sure that they were going to have the time.
She was working herself up. She seemed to do that a lot these days, didn't she?
Emma checked her phone. More than likely, Hanna was awake and at the gym. She dialed and was pleased to quickly hear Hanna's voice.
"What's wrong? Are you okay? It's really early."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to worry you. Were you still asleep?"
"No."
"Oh, okay good. Do you have a minute?"
"What's wrong?" Hanna asked as though the answer could change her availability.
"I don't know. I'm just worrying about a few things. I think I'm a little worried about how we have been."
"What?"
"Hanna, I'm worried about,"
Hanna cut her off, "Actually, is it okay if I call you back? I'm with people."
Emma checked the clock again; "Who are you with at this time in the morning?"
"Oh, you know. Gym."
"Oh." Emma was disappointed. She felt the weight of all of her worry on her shoulders and she needed a partner just then. "Okay."
"But listen, I'll call you later. There is something I really need to talk to you about too."
When they hung up, Emma felt stress ball heavily in her stomach. Hanna would call her back, so there was no need to worry. But why was she beginning to feel like Hanna had been trying to say something to her for weeks, always on the brink but never actually saying it? She laid back on her bed and began to count the beams above her, simply to keep her mind occupied. She needed to sleep. The problem was that she wasn't tired. She got up and leaned out the huge window into the crisp morning air with sighed.
Then an idea occurred to her. She would head out for a run...