Disclaimer: Twilight is the property of Stephenie Meyer
I'd like to dedicate this chapter to Noble and fadewind for reviewing
This is a bit of a short chapter, but it's a transitional again. I have a plot point I want to reach but it's not quite time to cover it yet. I needed to move time on a bit. So that's what I've done in this chapter.
It was nearing New Years Eve and I was a little ticked off because I had all this anger to spew at Jane and demand why she'd talked me into a life or death situation, but I hadn't seen her alone since. I mean I had seen her at Court or in the company of others, but I couldn't exactly have it out with her in front of other people. It was damn annoying for sure.
It was the Saturday, the day before New Years Eve, that I finally got my chance. What made it weirder was that Jane came to find me.
I'd managed to grab a few moments alone from Malachite, which was getting harder and harder with every passing day. I didn't mind so much, he just needed to realise that now and again I needed me time, and sometimes that was away from Tobias too.
I'd found a quiet corner of the library where I could sit undisturbed while I read for a while.
"Hello Essie, you've been avoiding me." Jane said sweetly.
I turned to give her a stinking look.
"I think it's you who's been avoiding me." I countered.
"Why would I do that?" She asked all innocent.
"You know why." I growled.
"Have I done something to upset you?"
"Upset? You got me into a fight to the death without telling me that I was entering one." I snapped.
"I told you he would go away for ever." Jane said aghast.
"Yeah, that doesn't mean that they won't come back because they are dead." I retorted.
"Ah yes, I forgot about your Quileute penchant for exile. I told you we do not force our problems onto others, we deal with them. I thought you knew this and would therefore understand my meaning when I declared that he would never return." Jane observed and gave a little shrug.
"Bull shit." I declared, "You knew I'd misunderstand you. You hoped that I would."
"Fine. I won't lie about that. I lied to you to get you into the Arena, but it was for your own good." She said as if it were a matter of fact.
"For my own good? Nearly getting killed?" I exclaimed.
"Essie. Did I not say you underestimate your own ability?" Jane asked in chiding tones.
"I don't think so?" I said with a frown.
"I've said it on many occasions." Jane insisted. "Never mind." She said with a dismissive shake of her head. "I knew you could defeat Darius easily, but you were reluctant to do so. However, I knew with his continuous teasing you would no doubt attack him one day and cause yourself trouble in doing so. If you faced him in the Arena it would be perfectly legal."
"I wouldn't have fought him if you hadn't pushed me into it." I grumbled.
"Then you would have lived the rest of your life in fear. With my small falsehood you are now free of the angry hedgehog forever and you've earned a reputation for being a bit of a 'bad ass' that is not to be messed with. Believe me, that label will get you far within these walls. You should find that others will hesitate to bother you in future."
Ok, so that had me gob smacked because, well, as scary as it was, she had a point. I never would have challenged Darius in the Arena on my own accord, but thanks to Jane I had, and now I was free of him.
"Yeah, but you still could have told me it was a fight to the death. I was trying to figure out ways to put him out when I could have just ripped his head off. Why didn't you let me know sooner?" I demanded.
"I was about to tell you to kill him when Tobias turned up. I was waiting for the best opportunity where it would not have distracted you but made you act immediately."
I gave her a dubious look.
"Would you have preferred that I tell you the moment before you entered the Arena? Before you were in the Arena but it was too late to back out, for once the challenge has been issued and accepted if you forfeit you pay with your life. You would have been distracted from the get go and Darius would have destroyed you and I would have been very upset."
"I'm sure we could have got him another way." I said.
"Have Aro fight your battles? Yes, we would have been rid of Darius, but then your reputation would have been one of a weakling who needs others to sort her problems for her." Jane said bluntly.
"You still could have told me beforehand. Do you remember when I told you about fighting Timmy and next time I was in a fight to the death I'd like to know from the get go?" I demanded.
"Yes. But the thing you must remember is that you should treat every fight as if it is a fight to the death and if your opponent surrenders in the mean time, well good for them, but at least you remain victorious." Jane lectured and for once her words were actually sinking in.
"That makes a lot of sense, but I just find it hard to switch my mind off to the thought that people deserve a second chance." I said in a quiet voice, trying to stick to my principles while I feared that Jane was relentlessly eroding them with her words.
"You did not seem to have a problem with destroying Simone without a second thought when you knew there was no other option. You tore her to shreds before she laid one hand on you. If you'd given in to those instincts as soon as you'd entered the Arena then Darius would never have had the opportunity to bite you."
"My instincts are not to kill." I stated.
Jane laughed derisively at this statement and I gave her an angry look.
"Oh, so we are mistaken in the belief that your people wish to rid the world of the Cold Ones?" She stated, still with the laughter in her voice.
Ok, so she had me there. It was in my nature to kill vampires, especially ones I perceived as threats. So why didn't I just kill Darius as soon as I entered the Arena? He was a vampire and he had threatened me and those I thought of as family, why didn't I just kill him? I didn't like where my thoughts were leading me. Was I actually allowing Jane to talk me around to her point of view?
"Regardless of what's transpired now, you still let me go in there blind. So you know, I'm allowed to be a little upset about that." I countered.
"I knew you would win." Jane said.
"So did I. But I didn't think that meant I had to kill Darius in order to do it."
"But you are thankful that he is dead." Jane stated.
"Yeah." I admitted, knowing that it wasn't a nice thing to think, but then again he was a carnivore and if he'd come anywhere near La Push I wouldn't have thought twice about killing him.
"Then what is the problem?" Jane demanded.
I knew I wouldn't make her understand, especially since I couldn't quite see it now myself. All that she said made sense.
"What if he had killed me?"
"Then I would have destroyed him." Jane announced, "After burning him for a very long time."
I nodded my head.
"What can I do to make it up to you?" Jane asked.
"There's nothing you can do. I think we should just avoid each other for a while and then we'll see." I said, feeling miserable at allowing Jane to change my worldview so much, and then there was a part of me that insisted this had been my view all along I'd just been denying it.
"But we are friends. We can not avoid each other." Jane said a little angrily.
"Some time friends have to if just to stay friends." I murmured.
"That makes no sense." Jane snapped.
"Friendships don't." I said simply.
Jane frowned.
"Fine, we will do this, but after we have taken care of our little mission." She said after a few moments of glaring silence.
"Mission?" I asked, completely at a loss.
"You did promise." She stated.
I frowned.
"Is your recall really that bad? Remember you agreed to help me by listening to the minds of the Fire Twins." Jane said.
"Oh. Yeah. God, that was ages ago." I said.
"Yes, but the promise still stands." Jane replied primly.
"Ok. So what is it you want me to do, exactly? I know you want me to listening on them, but what do you want me to find out?" I asked.
"Where their allegiance truly lies." Jane said, cutting to the chase. So much for the 'her wanting to find out if they really did have minds' BS.
"Why?" I asked, suddenly intrigued by her honesty.
"The Master can not read them, but he thinks they are trustworthy. Or perhaps I should state he thinks them too simple to try and rebel in anyway. But there is something about them I simply don't like, call it woman intuition if you like, but I do not trust them. They are hiding something." Jane said in a low suspicious voice.
"Ok. I get you don't like them, but I don't think we should rush in on this one." I said as I suddenly realised how dangerous this could be if they really were up to no good.
"Why?"
"Because they know we are friends now. If we try to separate them they'll be suspicious. If we have any hope of actually reading anything from their minds we need to take them by surprise. This is why we need to play the long con."
"The long con?"
"We need to pretend that we're not friends at all. We need people to think that we're close to being enemies and then in about a year we'll try to catch them out." I said.
"I think we can do that." Jane conceded.
I nodded.
"Then from this moment we are no longer friends." Jane said, straightening up to her full height. "Do not call at my chambers and do not speak to me unless our duty demands it."
"Fine by me." I said, shooting to my feet and slamming my book down.
I stormed out of the library and back to my chamber.
"Essie, I wasn't expecting you until later. What's wrong?" Tobias asked.
"I just had words with Jane." I declared and sat down in one of the armchairs.
"Oh. How do you feel?" He asked, placing his hand on my arm.
"Not as bad as it could have been." I conceded. "But I guess you could say our friendship is well and truly over."
Tobias gave me a suspicious look, but he didn't say anything, merely tapped my hand and stood up, going back to whatever he was doing on the computer. I sank back into the chair and closed my eyes.
I didn't feel it, but I had dropped off to sleep because when I woke up it was dark outside the window. I moved in the chair and felt the blanket slide over me. Tobias was still at the computer.
How long was I asleep? I asked.
A few hours. He replied, flittering over to me. Are you feeling ill?
I shook my head.
Then you must dress; we are to attend Court in half an hour.
Ok. I said and sighed as I rose to my feet.
We could have just not bothered with Court that evening, nothing much happened, although Jane did make a point of shooting me the odd death glare and I repaid her in kind. I couldn't read anything from the Twins, but then again that was nothing new.
Since I'd slept most of the afternoon I was feeling energetic and so Tobias and I went to run for a while. We were on our fourth lap when Gianna turned up with Malachite in tow and he began to run with us. Gianna disappeared.
"Hello Wolf Child." Somebody called; I turned to see Saskia on the sidelines of the practice area.
We all three stopped running and made our way toward Saskia as she moved toward us.
"Hello?" I said, making my greeting a question.
"I am not here to hurt you." She chided. "I want to offer you a position on the Wolf Hunters."
My mouth dropped open.
"Do you have any idea how conflicting that would be?" I demanded.
"Why? You have no qualms in destroying vampires you deem out of control as you demonstrated a week ago in the Arena when you took out my best fighter. Why should you feel differently about tackling the Children of the Moon?"
"Because the Children of the Moon are truly cursed and have no hope of bettering themselves, whereas vampires do." I countered.
"So if vampires have a hope of redeeming themselves, should you not give them the chance to do this? Shouldn't you destroy the ones who have no chance of ever overcoming their monster?"
"Ok, so the werewolves deserve to die, but I can't exactly join your little group. I have my duties here in Volterra." I said, placing my hand on Malachite's shoulder.
"Perhaps. But he'll soon be grown and then you may seek new duties. So play mother for now, but remember, there will always be a place for you amongst the Wolf Hunters. We need strong fighters like you. Especially since you took out my best one."
"Well if I ever want to join, I'll let you know." I said, a little on the sarky side.
"I think you will join us one day Wolf Child and you will come to enjoy this union."
I smiled and nodded my head, but I just wanted Saskia to go away.
"Have you finished here now? My company needs to train, find new methods now we are two people down."
"Can't you just go back to however you did it when Darius was out stalking girls on the Internet and Auntie Holly was living it up with Uncle Masen?" I asked.
Saskia glared at me, she thought I was too smart for my own good and if Jane hadn't been my deputy in the Arena she would have entered herself and done away with the nuisance of me once and for all.
Instead of getting angry I merely smiled. I decided it would be much more satisfying to just walk away from her than to get angry and end up with another arch enemy after I'd just got rid of one. Besides, I didn't want to give her a reason to challenge me to the Arena. From what I knew now, if there was no grievance behind the challenge then you had every right to refuse to fight without the consequences that would befall those who had hurt the challenging party.
I took Tobias and Malachite's hands and we left the practise area for the night. Tobias and I dropped Malachite off at his room first and then we returned to our camber. I sat down in an armchair and began to read my book, mainly because I was aware that Tobias wanted to talk and I didn't feel like it at the moment since I had a good idea of what the subject matter would be. I ignored his polite attempts of trying to get my attention and in the end he pulled the top of my book toward him as he said, "If I could have a moment of your time."
"What's up?" I asked cheerfully although I was ready for his warnings about the folly of entertaining ideas of joining the Wolf Hunters, as if I ever would.
"What is going on between you and Jane?" He asked softly.
I was taken aback for a moment since it really wasn't the question I was expecting.
"We're not friends anymore." I stated firmly.
"I could see that, as could most of the Court. What was your little act in aide of?"
You could tell we were faking? I asked, feeling subdued.
It was obvious to me, but I doubt if anyone else notice apart from Alec perhaps. Now this begs the question of why you and Jane are making a show of being enemies if you are not and why did you lie to me about it?
Ok. Remember I said that Jane wants me to read the Fire Twins' minds? Well we're implementing that plan now, but to stop them getting suspicious when we try to separate them I suggested to Jane that we shouldn't act like friends for a while and that will give us some cover. I didn't tell you earlier cause I was trying to think of the best way to tell you. You know, to avoid all the lectures on how stupid I'm being?
I suppose I have already cautioned you on this subject. He said as he brushed my hand lightly. It seems like as good a plan as any to me, if you need further help in planning then feel free to ask me.
So you'll help me?
You're decided upon this course of action and this way I am able to insure that you will be as safe as possible and prepare for every eventuality.
Thank you. I gasped and flung my arms around him.
I am happy to help provided you promise me that you will never join the dread Wolf Hunters.
I won't even consider it. I promised. In fact I've forgotten that Saskia even asked me to join.
Tobias chuckled and we kissed for a moment.
So how did you know that Jane and I were just pretending to hate each other? I asked.
It was a lucky guess. Tobias admitted, looking a little shifty.
So you didn't figure it out?
No. I did suspect and I knew you would tell me if it were true. I had to know if you were putting yourself in harms way once more. However I think this is a matter we can manage provided we put the thought into it.
It will be like our first assignment together. I mused as he slid in beside me on the chair.
Aside from Malachite. Tobias pointed out.
Yeah. I agreed. But this one will be actually doing something a little different to what I was doing here anyway.
Tobias shrugged.
We fell into silence for a while as we snuggled together in the armchair.
So when do you plan to implement your strategy? Tobias asked.
I said in about a year, I think that will be long enough for people to know that Jane and I are definitely not friends. Any shorter than that and it might be obvious, any longer than that will become tedious, not to mention the fact that Jane might really start hating me and then it will be way too dangerous to try something this risky with her, while at the same time she will hold me to my promise while her curiosity eats at her.
A tricky situation indeed, but I'm sure you will handle it.
You've changed your tune. I observed.
I think there is no point in trying to talk you out of this one so I will assist you as best I can with very little argument. This does not mean that if I think you are doing something unnecessarily risky I will refrain from speaking my mind, however I believe that this plan has many benefits should you succeed that far outweigh the potential risks.
I nodded my head, happy that he was with me on this one, although there was the promise of future lectures if I wasn't careful. Ah well, I could deal with that.
We settled down for a quiet night of comfort followed by some love making, and although it meant the shower afterwards, well I was getting used to that now. I was happy when I went to sleep and I looked forward to New Years Eve, even if I couldn't spend it with my friends and family, I could bear it since Tobias was with me.
It felt kind of weird yet again to think that I'd be in a different year to the folks back home for a couple of hours.
I guess maybe I was feeling a little homesick and so I started flicking through the pics again. There was the one of Nessie and Jake, arms around each other and smiling. The one with the frail looking Billy, Charlie and Sue. The pic of Alice and Jasper was cute, whoever took the pic managed to catch that moment of spark, the little signs that indicated the deep love between them. Emmett had Rosalie in his arms in their pic, he was laughing while Rose looked annoyed, but it was a playful annoyed. Edward held Bella to him as they both smiled at the camera and I lingered on that one for a while until I started to feel the homesickness creep in. I clicked quickly onto the next pic to find Carlisle and Esme in a more traditional pose as they smiled at me.
Then there was Nikki and Harry and I kinda knew that this was their engagement pic; maybe it was the formal dress? Anyway, they looked happy in the pic and I felt sad that I couldn't be there to wish them good luck. The next picture was one of Susie and Tuck. Tuck had his hand on Susie's stomach in a very symbolic way and she'd confirmed via email that she was going to have a baby in April. Yet another thing I'd miss stuck here with the Volturi. Max and Sammie were in a cute pose, both of them smiling at the camera, there was no talk yet of when they'd be getting married, I think Max wanted to do college first, whatever the reason for the delay it was something else I'd miss out on when they finally did get married. The last of what I thought of as the La Push pics was one of Sammie with a group of kids and I had no idea what its significance was.
There were no pictures of the Hannigans, but as far as Tobias and I could work out, they'd had little contact with my family since Marlin had taken Will away to change him. I guess she was too busy training Will to be vegetarian while Layla was travelling with Ebony somewhere in South America which had me fretting a little over whether they'd run into trouble.
As I closed the album I concluded that it had been a bad idea to view the pics. Seeing everything that was happening at home made me feel worse. I was stuck then between asking Renesmee not to send me any more or just allowing her to and not looking at the pictures she sent. After all, she thought she was doing something nice for me and it had to be hard for her knowing I was here and there was nothing she could do to bring me back. Partly because you didn't cross the Volturi, and partly because I had used my Alpha voice and ordered them all not to try and get me back.
What's wrong? Tobias asked.
I miss home. I declared.
Me too. Tobias observed as he came to place his arms around me. We will go back there one day.
I know, I just wish it was today. It's New Years Eve and every New Year we see in means more time spent here. More time away from our families. More time I've spent slipping into darkness and the longer I stay the more mired I become. I killed Simone for no other reason than I was expected to, I had no argument with her. She was no threat to me, but I tore her to shreds without a seconds thought as I revelled in kill or be killed. How could I look them in the face after that?
Essie you had no choice. She would have killed you had you not killed her first.
Only because we were in the Arena all because of me.
Essie, you should not feel bad about destroying Simone. Given the chance she would have delighted in cutting a swathe through the packs and then gladly killed every last one of the Quileutes in order to quash the gene. She would have delighted in the chance to gorge herself silly, the Wolf Hunters are not often given the opportunity to feed so freely, especially in this day and age. You should not mourn the passing of Simone for she would have delighted in the status she would have received by beating you, not that it would have lasted long. Jane would have destroyed her regardless, but you would still be dead.
So this is what I've come to? Making excuses for my questionable behaviour?
You cannot torture yourself my dear. Tobias said and placed a kiss to my forehead. You will have to do some things that lie in the darker shades of grey whilst here in Volterra, but provided you do not cross completely into the dark then you will not lose yourself.
I shook my head.
Essie, were you not the one who stood up to Aro and stopped him from killing Malachite?
I may have saved Mal, but I more or less said it was ok for his parents to die.
That's not what you said and you know it. Tobias stated, his mind voice sounding a little angry now. You saved Malachite and possibly any other Coven Child the Volturi come across in the future. Perhaps one day you may convince Aro to spare the parents also, but we can only take one step at a time.
I sighed and leant my cheek against his chest and he wrapped his arms around me.
I guess I'm just feeling a little sorry for myself. I concluded.
That's understandable at this time of the year. Tobias observed as he stroked my hair. I have had my own bouts of regret and homesickness, but then I remember that at least we are still together and as long as this remains true we can face whatever Aro decides to throw at us.
There was a knock at the door and I shot up quickly to go answer it. It was Malachite dressed in an emerald green shirt and dark trousers. He was wearing a glittery cowboy hat and he grinned at me.
"Are we going to the party?" He asked.
"Party?" I asked with a frown.
"The big one that everyone is going to. They've all been talking about it." Malachite said excitedly, he obviously didn't know how the Volturi partied.
"Yeah." I said. "But somehow I don't think that party is for us."
"Why not?" He asked. "Jane said it was the best party of the year and everyone got to dress up."
"Have you ever been to a vampire party?" I asked.
"No."
"Good. Because you don't want to." I said abruptly.
Malachite pouted.
"Go if you want to, but don't come crying to me when they start eating all the party guests." I said and shrugged.
Malachite frowned at me.
"Aro is gonna invite a load of humans here. Let them eat a lot of party food and drink lots and lots of alcohol and then for the big finish the vampires get to feed." I explained.
"Why would they do that?" Malachite asked in shock.
"So they can feel the buzz of the alcohol themselves." I said, "Ain't that right?" I directed at Tobias.
"It is." Tobias said.
"But I want to go." Malachite complained. "I want to count down to the New Year. I've never been allowed before."
"But you can do that here with us." I pointed out.
"I suppose." Malachite said, looking subdued.
"Wait a moment." I said.
Tobias, if they are having a party when are they likely to feed?
Well after midnight to allow the alcohol time to soak in properly.
So we could go and leave just after midnight. That way we won't have to… No, I can't do that…
"Sorry Mal, but you either party here with us or not at all." I said firmly.
"Why?" Malachite demanded.
"Do you really want to spend the next few hours partying with people who will be dead before the sun rises? Cause that's what will happen." I said bluntly.
Malachite seemed to contemplate this and he paled slightly.
"So what time does the party start?" He asked brightly.
"Whenever you want it to." I declared.
"How about now?"
"Why not." Tobias chirped in. "Come right on inside and let us ride this night into a new dawn."
"That sounds kind of pretty." Malachite conceded as he entered the room and shut the door. "Is it like an old saying or something?"
"Not really." Tobias said. "Although there are many in many different languages."
"You know a lot of stuff about other languages right?" Malachite asked as he sat down on the sofa.
"It is one of the aspects that comes with my power, yes." Tobias said patiently as he sat in one of the armchairs.
"So I tell you a word in any language and you can translate it?" Malachite asked.
"Provided I have heard the language." Tobias observed.
"Ok. Well something's been bugging me, something that the creepy man Darius said."
"Darius is dead. Just ignore whatever he said." I said, feeling my stomach clench a little at the mention of his name. "They were just horrible things said by a horrible person."
"I know that!" Malachite exclaimed. "I'm not on about the nasty things he said. I'm talking about a word he used that I don't know what it is. A word he called us."
"And what word would that be?" Tobias asked quickly before I could respond.
"I'm not really sure, but it sounded sort of like damn peers. He said, 'Well if it isn't the damn peers.' And that's what I want to know. What's a damn peer?"
Tobias frowned for a moment and then he smiled, "Was it by any chance dhampires?"
"That's the word." I confirmed.
"Ah yes. This is an old Slavic word meaning half vampire." Tobias explained.
"There's an actual word for half vampires and the Volturi decided not to use it?" I demanded. "Or anyone? Why?"
"I have no idea." Tobias said with a shrug. "Perhaps they thought that Coven Child sounded more poetic?"
"But dhampir is less of a mouthful." I pointed out.
"I have ceased to be surprised by language." Tobias said simply.
I went to argue with this, but then I guessed that he had a point. Who was I to argue with this, he was the language expert after all. And who knew, maybe in two thousand years I'd have the same view as him? Language was stupid, it changed a lot and who was I to guess why some words were used while others weren't?
"Maybe they thought it would sound too much like vampire." I conceded with a shrug. "Anyway, you know what it is now, so shall we get this party started?"
Malachite nodded.
"Although when I say party I mean movie marathon with some chips and dips that'll take us all the way to midnight for the countdown." I corrected.
"I think I'm a little young for the other type of partying anyway." Malachite admitted grudgingly.
"When you're older we'll have a right old hootenanny, but let's take it easy for your first year."
"Ok Ess. Anyway, it'll be nice to see in the New Year with the people who really love me, rather than the ones who just see me as some kind of tool they can use in the future." Malachite said with a little growl and displaying the incredible foresight he had from time to time.
"Cool." I observed and hugged him. "So what do you want to watch?"
"What movie do you like?"
I turned to Tobias and grinned.
"Shall we crack open 'Pink Stilettos'?" I asked.
"Essie have mercy, he is but a child!" Tobias declared aghast, although it was clear he was joking.
"I'm not too young to watch the film." Malachite declared.
"It is not whether the contents of the film is likely to corrupt you, but the fact that forcing it upon you would be considered torture in most countries." Tobias declared.
"Torture? Really? I gotta see this film!" Malachite declared, suddenly excited.
"Guess we're watching it." I declared. "And don't worry, we can add our own commentaries again. Only this time we've got Mal to add a new spin to it."
Mal jumped up and down in excitement.
"Why don't you and Tobias prepare the snacks and stuff while I set up the movies." I suggested.
"Sounds good." Mal said.
I went to rent the movies on line while the boys went to prepare some party food. I was happy with the film choices and I had them downloading while I moved the furniture around the TV into a more cosy setting. We settled down for a night of watching movies and generally having a good time.
I logged on to MSN at five to twelve to find that most of my family were online. I was happy since it meant that we could wish each other Happy New Year, even if it was a bit premature for those back home. It was nice to have that connection and then to sing 'Auld Lang Sine' with Tobias and Malachite. I kind of got over my thoughts of homesickness from earlier when I realised I had something of a family here.
I had Tobias, my lover, my confidante, my friend, and I had Malachite, the little brother I cold dote upon since I was unable to do so with Hunter. I had a little family here, a substitute maybe, but I knew I could count on both of them and that's what family was for.
It was a good way to see in the New Year and well Malachite and I fell asleep on the sofa and I felt a little lost when I woke up the next day. I could feel the cold of Tobias on my left side as I leant against him and the warmth on my right side as Malachite leant against me. As soon as Malachite sat up I sat up and stretched, it felt good.
"It's New Years Day." I said with a smile as I watched the light stream in. "I have a good feeling about this year. It's gonna be different."
"I'm glad you're optimistic." Tobias said and kissed my cheek.
"It's the best way to be. Positive thoughts and all that. Isn't that right Mal?"
"Yep." Malachite answered.
"This year will be different." I declared.
Optimistic was right, I should have known better than to get my hopes up. The year seemed to drag, yet with every passing day I realised how further away from Essie I was becoming. I wasn't me anymore, not in a big way, but there were little things. One day in the summer I had been taking Malachite out to the market and we passed a tourist group on our way out. It was a group on one of the 'special tours' and I didn't even bat an eyelid or feel any empathy for them until later that night when I realised that I should have done and I chastised myself for my callousness.
I felt so sickened by my behaviour that I couldn't face my friends or family, even in e-mail. I punished myself that night by not going near my inbox, I was just glad Tobias wasn't here to see my sin first hand. That was another thing that was starting to bug, Aro seemed to be sending Tobias away on more of these little errands and half the time Tobias said himself he was surplus to requirement and I could only guess that Aro was testing us, maybe seeing how far he could push us before one of us snapped.
I was pretty much at the end of my tether but I focused most of my anger into my feud with Jane. In fact I poured so much anger into it that sometimes I wondered if I was just pretending or if I would rather have her as an enemy. That thought made me shiver, it was stupid to want such a thing, it was better to be her friend. And in a sick way I was missing her company when Tobias was away on an assignment, although from time-to-time she was sent away also.
The only constant in all this was Malachite, since he never got sent away for anything. I put most of my time and effort into his training and education and generally just hanging out with him. It was getting harder with the passing months to remember that he was still a child. He'd turned four in March and at that point he could pass for twelve, but it wasn't long before he was moving into his teens and that got a little embarrassing at first, trying to explain the facts of life to a four year old, but he seemed to know most of it anyway, but god knows where he'd got it from?
Since he was older physically it seemed wrong for him to stay cooped up so much and so Malachite started coming hunting with Tobias and me so that we could teach Malachite how to hunt properly. I know I used to cherish these times Tobias and I could be alone, but it was as if Malachite finally understood our personal needs and he was quick to leave us if we hinted in the right way.
I didn't observe my birthday and forbid Tobias from surprising me in anyway because I didn't want to acknowledge it. I didn't want to acknowledge such a landmark stuck here in purgatory. I would not say the age and I would not think it, I would not apply it to me. I will forever be twenty while here in Volterra; I will observe no other age. That was one of the reasons I deleted all my messages on Halloween without even reading them. If no one said it then it hadn't happened.
Toward the end of the year I couldn't believe how much Malachite had grown. He was very nearly as tall as me and I was sure he would be a little taller by the time he stopped growing. He was gonna break a lot of hearts too.
He had grown the spikes out of his hair almost immediately after the Darius incident and now he usually had it cut to a haphazard chin-length that he styled to look messy when it wasn't. His hair had darkened, but there were a few blond highlights when the sunlight caught it right. His eyes were startling green that could draw attention all on their own, but set into the beautiful half vampire face it was enough to steal any girls heart. I felt sorry for anyone who came across him because I knew he had a mischievous streak that wouldn't make him think twice about using his looks to his advantage.
I tried to teach him about ignoring the little voices of mischief, but it was clear he wasn't really listening. He tended to wander off into little daydreams now whenever I started talking about serious things and I had no idea whether this was because he found it a little boring as a four year old or because he had better things to imagine as a fourteen year old. I had been tempted to stray into his daydream when he wasn't paying attention, but then I though better of it. Some things were better left unknown.
We rolled right back into the New Year and I hoped that the pretence between Jane and me could finally be over. I just wanted to read the Twins now and know one way or the other. But every time we made a plan either Jane or me were called away for something or other. It seemed like we'd never get this done and so that went on the back burner.
All in all it was a boring year. Nothing happened; well nothing exciting and I think that was a worrying thing. What did it mean if I was starting to feel a little comfortable here? Did that make me a Volturi?
God, I hope not…
Thank you for reading
Please review
Gemma x