This one's long guys. You've been warned :)
'Sometimes we love people so much that we have to be numb to it. Because if we actually felt how much we love them, it would kill us. That doesn't make you a bad person. It just means your heart's too big.' -Riding in Cars with Boys.
All Elena
Jeremy's footsteps above our heads and Stefan's lazy wanderings around his room are enough to show that Caroline's shrieks, first thing in the morning, have been a wakeup call for all of us. Not even my excellent vampire hearing can properly make out what she's saying, because she's vampire bubbling everything in inhuman speed. Before I can shush her or bang my head on a wall, I hear Damon's door fling open. In less than a second he's standing inside my room, majorly pissed off, but that doesn't stop my heart from jumping inside my chest. Thanks for the notice, stupid, dead heart.
His hair is dump and he has nothing but a shower towel wrapped low around his waist. His deadly stare is fixated on Caroline, who's smiling at him like a love struck teenager.
"How did I ever put up with you?" he questions drearily. Even though he's not sparing me one look – yes, it hurts a bit – all very concentrated on mentally killing Caroline, I can't help but notice a drop of water falling from his neck down his chest, following the route of his defined stomach muscles and disappearing inside his towel and into… Don't go there!
"What's with all the noise?" I hear Stefan mutter, before he, too, appears on my doorframe wearing a brick-colored T-shirt and tight jeans. He looks good and sexy, but I can't shake the desire to approach Damon and take his dump, raven colored locks in my hands while kissing the water from…
Shit. Elena the horny vampire is back full force.
Before Caroline has any time to explain – smile still intact – Jeremy joins the party, his face amused.
"Who needs an alarm clock when you've got Caroline's fan girl shrieks waking you up for school?" he wonders, getting an eye roll from Damon and a smile from Stefan. Seeing the three of them standing together, makes me laugh – maybe my life isn't that bad after all. At least, we can still joke about things; kind of.
"The three of you are nothing but insensitive jerks!" Caroline laughs, before throwing one of my pillows in Jeremy's direction.
"My ears are very sensitive Barbie, so keep it down." Before Damon can leave, I hear a knock on the front door and Caroline, having caught the same scent that I did immediately, bounces on my bed.
"That's Bonnie. You can all hear the news now!"
Damon gives one last eye roll, showing how not interested in the news he is, before storming off to let Bonnie in.
"Can we move this downstairs? I'm hungry."I get up and move closer to the door. I give Jeremy a small punch on the arm – from which he hisses lowly – and Stefan a small kiss on the lips. He leans forward, making the kiss more intimate, but Caroline's hand dragging me downstairs stops his efforts short. And part of me doesn't mind that.
Once we're all gathered in the kitchen, Caroline gives each a gleeful look. I nod and smile reassuringly; already aware of what she's about to share and too distracted sipping blood from my glass for any further emotion. Bonnie, silent next to me, is eyeing Caroline worriedly, her eyes darker than usual. Jeremy eats hurriedly, already late for school and Stefan stands as far away from me and the blood, trying his best to concentrate on Caroline and not on the glass in my hands. When Damon walks in, dressed in a V-neck, black T-shirt and black jeans, and comes to sit next to me, I wonder if he's deliberately avoiding me after everything that happened last night or he's simply decided to act on my insisting efforts to push him away.
"Guys, Tyler is alive." Caroline finally beams and I chuckle with her expression.
Jeremy, Stefan and Damon are nowhere near surprised. The knowledge that Klaus survived pretty much prepared us for this. Bonnie, on the other hand, is shocked. Only, not the 'I-am-so-happy-your-boyfriend-is-alive' shock. Her face expresses something like 'what-the-hell' kind of terror.
"Caroline…" she whispers. "How…how do you know?"
"He came to visit last night, silly!" Caroline smiles and is apparently ignorant of Bonnie's lack of amusement on the subject. I glance around and judging from Damon's half-closed, doubting eyes, he's the only one who's noticed Bonnie's reaction.
"It looks like you got some last night, Blondie." He states sarcastically, his stare still on Bonnie.
"No, no! It wasn't like that. He just came to see me; make sure I was ok. He didn't stay long." She frowns and then looks disappointed at everyone's unemotional faces. "I thought you'd be happy he's alive."
"We are!" I reassure. "It's just that…well, we kind of figured."
Bonnie turns to look at me, her face now unreadable. "What do you mean?"
"Elijah was here." Damon looks directly at Bonnie, capturing her eyes. "He told as Klaus is still alive. So much trouble for desiccating his body, right witchy?"
"Right…" Bonnie mutters and I really hope the bad feeling her face is giving me, is nothing but my imagination.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Klaus is alive?" Caroline shouts. "What the hell? I thought we got rid of him."
Stefan chuckles humorlessly. "How did you think Tyler survived? Christmas miracle? Klaus being alive practically saved all of our bloodline."
"For starters, I thought he was lying. The deceiving, little, horse-loving, psychopath Original." Caroline mutters to herself. "As for Tyler, he told me Bonnie helped him."
"What?" Bonnie mouths incredulously. Ok, this is getting weirder by the minute. "What did he tell you exactly?"
"He told me he was about to die after I left. But you saved him; with a spell." I can see Caroline is waiting for Bonnie to back up her words; anything to show that whatever Tyler told her stands. But the more I hear, the more I wonder if the direction this is all heading to is any good.
"Caroline, I didn't. I would have told you if I did." Bonnie's tone indicates that she had nothing to do with any Tyler-concerned subject four nights ago. Her voice is almost too sure – and something about it makes me doubt, Damon sigh and Stefan take two steps forward, finally aware that something's off.
"You know that feeling, when one of you screws up and I'm left to deal with the consequences? I'm getting that right now." Damon bickers and not once lets his eyes leave Bonnie. "So, in case you have something to share with the gang Sabrina, by all means…"
"What the hell are you talking about? I was with you that night. You saw me…"
"Actually, I didn't see you do anything. You asked to be left alone, remember?"
I hear Jeremy sigh, too calm for the tense air now surrounding us. "Let it go, Damon. Bonnie was the one to help us desiccate him."
"Yeah, she was also the one responsible for my almost death a year ago. Remember Gilbert's device Bonnie? The one you deactivated?"
"Ok, enough!" Caroline comes between them. "You're not ruining this for me. The important thing is that Tyler's alive. He'll explain everything once I see him again."
"Did he say if he was planning to go home? I should talk to him – he still shares a bond with Klaus." Stefan looks hopeful but Caroline's now gloomy expression says otherwise.
"He didn't. He said he needed some time off; with almost dying and everything."
Bonnie snorts at that but mouths out nothing but a soft plea. "Keep some distance until we figure out what's going on Caroline. Please."
Caroline nods, aware that something is definitely off. I feel terrible – she was all happy and excited this morning and it took nothing but five minutes and the bitching of Bonnie and Damon to turn her to an insecure mess. I take her hand in mine and smile a little.
"Hey, I'm sure it will all work out. Maybe Tyler was in shock and thought he saw Bonnie or something. He'd never lie to you."
Caroline nods and I look around the now silent kitchen. Jeremy's left for school and I didn't even hear Damon retreat to his room upstairs. So not like him.
"Aren't you two late for school?" I ask the girls while Stefan comes to wrap a hand around my waist.
"Yeah, about that; we're skipping today. And, I'm taking both of you to spend the day at my place." Caroline smiles. "Lunch includes blood for us and delicious pizza for our human witch."
I bounce up and down at the idea. I so want to get out of this house. Even if it means being locked in another one. Maybe a little change of scenery will be good for my hormones.
"Caroline, are you sure it's a good idea?" Stefan asks, worry in his eyes, and I shoot him an angry look.
"Stefan, please. I won't let her out of my sight. We're planning on gossiping and eating and trying to act normal for a while. Right, Bonnie?
"Right." Bonnie snaps out of her thoughts and gives a little smile. "It'll be two vampires and one witch acting all teenager-like; nothing to worry about."
Stefan sighs and gives in, taking my face in his hands. "Fine, but you'll call in case something is wrong. Ok?"
I nod and grab his shoulders, trying to experience that incredible tingling feeling he once gave me doing nothing more than staring into my eyes. I kiss him for a while and when nothing really happens, I blame my blood craving and the fact that Damon's car just left the driveway for not needing Stefan, like I once used to.
Eight hours later and after a big amount of food, alcohol and three blood bags, my two best friends decide it's time to focus all their attention to me. I sigh, knowing what's coming the moment Caroline lies down next to me on the bed and Bonnie smiles deviously. When we got inside the house this morning, we relaxed and I let Bonnie's weird reactions slip out of my mind, too busy talking about Jamie, Jeremy, Matt, Tyler and every other unimportant subject we could find. We'd all missed spending one damned day without having to worry about our life being in danger.
I even thought I could close the day without having to talk about my problems, but when did they ever make it easy for me? I close my eyes, unprepared for any questions they have in mind.
"So," Caroline smiles, "how are you?"
And, here we go.
"I know this is hard for you; the hardest thing ever. And we haven't had time to really talk. So, how are you?"
I meet both of their understanding gazes and shake my head, confused. "Honestly, I don't think it's sunk in just yet, you know? I crave blood and have heightened senses and everything, but I still think of myself as 'just Elena'."
"It's still you Elena. That's how you're supposed to think of yourself." Bonnie argues. "You're not a monster. What happened…well, it happened. For us, you'll always be 'just Elena'".
"I fed on a human being last night." My voice is small and shaky. "And I enjoyed it so much."
Neither of them talks. I know Bonnie's trying really hard not to judge and my confessions aren't helping one bit. But I need to talk about it – only now that they're asking, I realize how much I need to get out of my system.
"Yes, and I killed someone when I first turned. And it felt good." Caroline tries to make me feel better, but in no time, tears stream from both of our eyes.
"Just good old Caroline and Elena, huh?" I mutter and cry harder. "How did we get here guys? I am so scared."
"Stop it, Elena. Just stop." Bonnie orders. "We've all screwed up – all of us. There's no one to blame. One way or another, we would have gotten into this mess. Would you rather be dead right now?"
Yes, I'd rather be dead. "I need to be here for Jeremy." I opt to say.
"You can tell Damon that you don't like his…hmm, lifestyle or, diet, let's say." Caroline suggests.
"No, he's right. I need to be in complete control. I mean, I know it's working out for you. But what will you do if you come in contact with as much as one drop of human blood?"
Caroline sighs, defeated. "Freak out. Turn female Stefan probably."
"Exactly – I can't afford that. Damon can practically stop whenever he pleases. He drinks, he enjoys, and he heals people. Well, he would if he wasn't such a jerk." My words are harsh, but my tone is soft and somehow lets admiration show. I notice and they do too.
"Did you talk to him? About…the whole compulsion thing he pulled off?" Bonnie asks, somehow amused with my problems.
"I did. He doesn't want to talk about it – he thinks it's not important. I think he's hurt. He's not the same Damon, you know?" I rest on my elbow and hold my head on the palm of my hand. "He's helping me, just like I asked, but other than that he's being controlled, serious and he is…ignoring me." I say the last part like it's a wonder and I get the same look back from Caroline. But Bonnie shrugs.
"Isn't that what you always wanted?"
"I didn't want to hurt him. And I really did – the night I died."
"What happened that night?" Caroline asks and claims a sitting position. Bonnie comes to sit on the bed too and I have both of them staring at me.
"I told Matt to take me back to you guys. I called Damon and told him he'd be ok, but I knew there was a chance he'd die; alone. I was willing to leave him die alone, after everything he's done for me."
"You chose Stefan." Bonnie mutters, in surprise.
"Wow." Caroline follows.
"Don't wow me. You both wanted this" I say, making it sound like an accusation.
"I didn't!" Bonnie throws her hands in the air. "I stopped taking sides the day Stefan even had the thought of throwing you off the bridge. I mean, we all know Damon is an A-class sociopath, but he's done a far greater job protecting you lately."
Oh, so now they're sharing all this - so much for having best friends to advice you. I turn my attention to Caroline, anticipating whatever she's about to say.
"Don't look at me. I've been team Stefan because A, he's your first true love and you know what a little pathetic romantic I am and B, well, all you've been doing is bicker about how much you love Stefan and dislike Damon. Every time someone mentioned that 'hey Elena, you may have feelings for caveman' you went defense mode immediately. Even after you guys kissed twice…"
"Twice?" Bonnie stares at me accusingly.
"Even after you guys kissed twice," Caroline shushes Bonnie with a hand, "you were still in denial land. So, I just followed your lead. Honestly, I kind of thought you'd go for Damon despite my sayings."
"Why did you think that?" I wonder tiredly. This conversation is emotionally terrifying. Especially with everything I've ever felt towards Damon having intensified and my feelings for Stefan having stayed in the same, human level they once were.
"Elena, you kissed him in a dirty motel corridor. No, practically dry-humped him…"
"Why am I hearing about this now?" Bonnie shouts at both of us.
"Shush." Caroline says - her relationship advisor face on. "Thing is, you don't pull off stuff like that. Not unless you really, really want to. You enjoyed it, didn't you?"
She eyes me, half amused, half devious, knowing that my answer will make her point true. And I'm ready to tell her that I didn't. Because I didn't. I did not enjoy kissing Damon in Denver. Maybe if I keep repeating it, I'll actually believe it myself.
"You have no idea."
My eyes pop and my hands fly to cover my mouth. Wow, that was so not what I intended to say. But both of them laugh like maniacs at my expression and I burry my face in the pillows.
"Elena, honey, do you regret choosing Stefan?" Caroline finally asks and the conversation turns serious again. I don't dare unbury my face from her soft pillows.
"No. No. I mean, I shouldn't."
"Ok, what we should do and what we actually want to do are two completely different things." Bonnie mutters. "So, just spill Elena. Be honest. What are your feelings – your true feelings – for jackass Salvatore?"
Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.
"It's wrong, guys. Don't you see? This whole thing with Damon is wrong. He's unstable. He makes rushed decisions. He doesn't compromise. His way of coping with anger is by killing people. He freaking killed my brother. He turned your mother. Sometimes, I think he loves me too much. I'm scared of that feeling - of what it may do to me. Also, I spent so much time looking for Stefan; fighting to get him back. Putting everyone into danger for him so I can do what? Dump him for his brother? I love him. I can't do that to him."
Caroline looks defeated but Bonnie looks nothing but pissed off.
"Stefan made his decisions Elena. Maybe he has to deal with that." Her eyes are cold and scolding. "I used to hate Damon and part of me still does, but it doesn't stop me from seeing how he's paid for every wrong thing he's done in his life, while Stefan is almost always forgiven, because he plays the martyr after."
"That's because Stefan feels bad about his actions. Unlike Damon." Caroline butts in.
"Who cares about what you feel after you decapitate someone Caroline? At least be a man about it. Fight it. Deal with it." I can't believe Bonnie is saying these things. And I can't believe part of me is actually agreeing. She turns to me again. "Leave everything he's done aside and just tell me how you feel about Damon. Is that so hard?"
It is hard. Because I haven't told anyone – not even myself. Not completely.
"No one knows him like I do, Bonnie. Not even Stefan. He is good – he really is. But, he's been hurt so much; he decided to turn everything off. And now that I'm in his position, I finally get why. When we're together I feel all kind of things – passion and need and God, love. But he intimidates me. He scares me – his love, the way he handles things. What he's done; I can't shake those things off, no matter how hard I try."
"Maybe that's what love is – feeling for someone, even if you have every reason not to." Caroline says to no one in particular and the three of us keep quiet for a while.
"Forever is a long time to be with the wrong person Elena. And I don't think Stefan wants you to be with him because you feel like you owe him, or like you owe us, or even yourselves to try. He's your first love, I get that. But, don't hold on to things when you're supposed to move on."
If someone told me that I'd have Bonnie say all these things, I'd call them crazy. But she did and got my mind even more messed up. I need to go home and think – really think. But when my phone vibrates from a text from whom else but Damon, I know my plans to think will go in vein. I read his text with a smile on my face.
[I'll come pick you up in five minutes. Borrow something nice from Caroline's wardrobe – we're going hunting.]
I text back immediately. [Why is what I wear important?]
Five seconds pass. [Entertainment purposes. I want to see you dressed up. Don't disappoint me little vamp.]
I smile and let butterflies take over my stomach. "Hey Caroline, can I borrow a dress or something?"
"Sure." Caroline's ready to play dress up and Bonnie smiles from her spot on the bed.
"Oh and by the way," she mutters, "I'm skipping school again tomorrow if you promise to tell my about that kiss in Denver."
I give her a wink before rushing to the bathroom so I look presentable for my hunting party. Not Damon – this has nothing to do with Damon. Nothing, Elena Gilbert - you hear me?
Because every girl needs her friends to put her back on the right track. Kind of. Eh, I'm not a big fan of Bonnie's but since this is fancfic - my fanfic - I decided to put some sense into her mind. Plus, I can see this reaction happening after everything Stefan's pulled off during Season 3. Bad news? I'll fail my Maths final because of repeatedly writing and deleting this chapter. Good news? I don't care that I'll fail so you'll have the next full of Delena chapter in either 24 hours; 48 tops. Oh, and that quote is from a Barrymore movie so, yeah...I'm bubbling and I'm gonna stop now.
For any questions, suggestions, compliments (:p), constructive criticism, whatsoever feel free to review. I LOVE reading your thoughts and I love it every time I get one of those "I think so too!" reviews. :D Thank you for being here. I appreciate it! Yours, S.