Book I: The Forest and the Door
Chapter 10: Surprise, Surprise, Surprise
It was difficult to summon the will-power to take off Adrian's shirt. It smelled like him – like his cologne, his skin. But I couldn't exactly wear his shirt to self-defense, so I changed into sweats. I folded the t-shirt and put it under my pillow, thinking with a smile that I could wear it to bed tonight.
When I went to the bathrooms to brush my teeth and get ready, I noticed some faint marks on my neck when I looked in the mirror. "Oh, great," I muttered to myself. I had psychic hickeys. Just what I needed. I had a sudden mental image of myself trying to explain the marks as the unfortunate side-effect of a food allergy, or the result of a run in with a rogue vacuum cleaner. I knew that neither explanation was likely to fly with anyone smarter than a sea-sponge.
I went back to my room, trying to think of a quick fix before I saw Eddie and Jill. I didn't have anything in my alchemist kit that could help heal deep-seated bruises – particularly not psychic ones – but, luckily, I did have some really effective concealer that I used for my tattoo most days. I applied some to the marks on my neck and smiled at the result. You couldn't see them at all, thank heaven.
It'd be kind of cool to just show them off, the Traitor said, ruefully. Say to people, 'oh yeah, my gorgeous boyfriend just can't keep his hands off me. That's kind of like, my life now? I know you're jealous.' I smiled. Sometimes I actually kind of liked the Traitor.
I started to leave my room to head down for self-defense practice, but then turned back around and got Adrian's t-shirt from under my pillow and sniffed it again. It might have been weird, but there was no one around to watch me so I just wallowed in my cheesiness.
Thinking about Adrian's scent reminded me to spray some perfume on myself, hoping to hide Adrian's scent from Jill and Eddie. The last thing I needed was the two of them sensing Adrian on me. That would be harder to explain than the hickeys.
I left my dorm and went out to the spot near the oak tree where we all usually met up. When I got there, Jill and Eddie were already practicing. They waved at me and paused as I walked up. I was still a few yards away when Jill said, "That's a pretty perfume. What's it called?" I wondered if I had put too much on, then reminded myself that all Moroi have a really strong sense of smell.
"It's called Emerald Dream," I answered, as I reached them. "I just got it a few weeks ago. I liked the name, but I like the scent too. I think it smells sort of... well, green."
Jill giggled. "It does, actually. Like spring."
It turned out to be a fun practice. For one thing, neither Jill nor Eddie mentioned Adrian or his scent to me as we practiced take-downs and throws, so it was reasonable to assume that the perfume was overwhelming their noses. Further, I was starting to feel that both Jill and I were making major progress. I was able to defend myself much better with a stick by now, and was even able to disarm Eddie a few times. And Jill's magic was becoming more and more of a force for both offense and defense. This morning, she showed off a new technique she had developed: she tossed a glass-full of water into the air, then turned the water solid in mid-flight so that it took on the force of a rock. Eddie and I held up a towel we had pilfered from the gym locker rooms, and Jill's "water rock" actually went straight through it, leaving a big circular hole. We gave her a round of applause.
"That's fantastic," Eddie said. "If you can curl the water around a silver stake, I could see you possibly taking down Strigoi with that technique, someday." His smile was deeply affectionate. "You amaze me, Jill."
"I wouldn't be able to do any of this if it weren't for you," she said, blushing a little. I wondered if she was embarrassed in general, or if it was the praise from Eddie that was causing her to blush. Other people's love lives were cute, I decided. I almost wanted to tell them to just go and make out or something, but I knew it was hopeless. Eddie was locked into his guardian mode, and Jill was still seemingly pretty clueless. I guessed they would figure it out on their own at some point.
After practice, I went back to the dorms, falling back into my normal routine of showering, changing, breakfast, and class. It's not as if anyone stopped me in the hallways to ask me if anything weird and magical had happened overnight. I went to my morning classes on auto-pilot, doodling climbing vines and trumpet flowers all over my margins.
In fourth period math class, we were taking a pop quiz – well, I had finished mine already and was staring happily into space – when Julia, who sat to my left, poked me in the arm. I looked up. The teacher, Mr. Bernard, was engrossed in a sudoku puzzle and didn't seem to notice anything, so I looked at her and gave a sort of "what's up?" gesture.
She tossed a note on my desk. I opened it and saw the words "What's with the hickeys?" scrawled in her loopy handwriting. Mentally, I smacked myself in the forehead. I had forgotten to touch up my makeup after my shower. Despite my consternation, I kept my face blank.
"Not hickeys," I mouthed, and restrained the urge to use my hair to cover my neck. I knew that it would only encourage her.
Julia rolled her eyes. I doubted that she'd buy the food allergy line, and my mind raced with an explanation to give her later. Maybe I would just tell her that I had a human boyfriend. Well, I probably wouldn't actually say the phrase 'human boyfriend,' as that would suggest that there was an alternative to humanity out there.
I was still trying to think of an explanation when the intercom buzzed. Everyone stopped working to look up at the box on the wall, as if looking at it would help them listen. Maybe someday a psychologist will run a research study on that behavior to determine its origin.
"Mr. Bernard, can Sydney Melrose report to the main office please?" the tinny voice said from the intercom. "A family member is here to see her."
Mr. Bernard looked at me, concerned. "I hope it's nothing serious, Sydney," he said, kindly. "You're excused, of course."
"Thank you, sir," I said, and gathered my things to go.
"Why can Sydney get excused from class when the rest of us have to stay?" asked a girl from the back row.
"Because first, she has a valid excuse, and second, her average in this class is more than twice yours, Emma," replied Mr. Bernard.
"That's impossible," Emma said, after she took a moment to calculate. "That would make her average more than 100."
"Her average is more than 100," Mr. Bernard answered.
The rest of the class snickered. I wondered if this was one of those occasions in which my excellent scholastic record was making me a target for the other students, and then decided I really didn't care. I grabbed my bag and coat and went down to the front office, hoping that the family member waiting for me was my favorite "older brother."
Maryann, one of the office ladies, was contentedly munching on a piece of chocolate cake in a small Tupperware container when I got there. I could smell the cake from where I stood and it was making my mouth water.
"Oh, hi, Sydney," Maryann said, in a vague way. "That handsome older brother of yours is waiting for you outside."
"Adrian?" I asked, trying to keep my voice steady.
"Yes," Maryann said, smiling. Then she scrunched up her features as if trying to think clearly. "I hope he'll be ok."
"Thank you," I said, trying to act appropriately concerned.
"Tell him thanks again for the cake," she added, as I went out the door, and I sighed to myself. I wondered what Adrian was up to, and what the cake had to do with it all.
Adrian was sitting on a bench near the entrance of the school. He looked fantastic in one of his suits, a rich black one with a white shirt underneath, along with his usual emerald green tie. It reminded me a little of an Andes candy, and I just wanted to take a bite. He sprang up and gave me a hug, and I squeezed him back, trying to make the embrace look 'sisterly.' The truth was that I sort of wanted to knock him on the ground and tear all his clothes off, which was a distracting thought to have when you were talking in public to someone who was allegedly your brother.
I smiled and put the thoughts away. "I'm pretty surprised to see you here," I said, as I sat down with him on the bench.
"I'm a pretty surprising guy, what can I say?" Adrian said.
"Maryann says thanks for the cake," I said, letting the comment dangle like a question in front of him.
"I guess she liked it," Adrian said, grinning. "I have plenty more at home. You'll have to try some."
"What did you tell her about why you were here?" I asked.
"I said there was a break-in at my apartment and that I was very upset and wanted to be with my sister right now." He gave me a puppy-dog stare and I sighed.
"That's a pretty flimsy pretense," I said. "Why did she buy that?
"I'm just a very persuasive person," Adrian said. "Must be my good looks. And my good cake."
"Don't tell me you used compulsion on her," I said.
"Ok," he said. "I won't tell you." I shook my head in a show of dismay. "Hey," he said. "Aren't you going to ask how I got here?"
"Fine," I said. "How did you get here?"
"I took a bus!" he said, as if he were telling me that he had found a cure for the common cold. "It took a little while, but I really wanted some face time with you, in real life. Jill's feeding is tomorrow, and that's Thursday, so we'll miss our... private time."
"Yeah, I know," I said. I hated it when Jill's feedings fell on Thursdays. There was just no way I could justify going over to Adrian's twice in one day, so in case anyone was watching us, we had to skip our regular Thursday date. "Anything particular on your mind?" I asked, mentally bracing myself.
"Quite a bit, in fact. But maybe we should wait until– "
At that exact second, Ms. Terwiliger walked out the front door of the building. She saw us and began walking over. "Hello, Ms. Melbourne. And Mr. Melbourne, so good to see you again. How is college going?"
"Very well, Ma'am," he said. He knew that Ms. Terwiliger was the one who had pulled strings to get him into the art program, and we both were grateful to her for it. "I might have some paintings in an upcoming exhibition."
"Excellent. I'll have to buy one," she said. "I assume there'll be several paintings of Ms. Melbourne."
"Not in the exhibition," said Adrian. "But I did paint one or two of her, yes."
"You look nice in that suit," Ms. Terwiliger said, distractedly. "Of course, when I saw you yesterday, you weren't so overdressed. Did you dress up to impress your girlfriend here?" She gestured to me.
"She's my sister, Ma'am," he replied. "And I wasn't here yesterday." He gave me a look, and I shrugged.
"I could have sworn I saw you in my classroom yesterday," said Ms. Terwiliger, then smiled. "And really, she's your sister? How interesting." Ms. Terwiliger gave him a wide smile. "Well, that does explain you all having the same last name. What an interesting family you all have. Most of you aren't even the same race. Well, Ms. Melbourne, I hope I see you in class later. Or tomorrow. Whenever." She winked and wandered off in that vague way of hers.
"Um, what was that?" Adrian asked.
"That was Ms. Terwiliger," I said.
"I'm aware of who she was, but... I mean, what did she mean by saying you're my girlfriend? And the 'not the same race' comment? And the whole 'when I saw you yesterday' thing? What was all that?"
I just shrugged. I suspected that she may have seen Adrian visiting via dreams in our classroom yesterday, but I didn't want to freak him out. "She's not exactly your run-of-the-mill history teacher," I said. "I think she's a... well, a witch. She said something about a coven or something, and as good as told me that she knows that you and Jill are Moroi. I don't know. I made it pretty clear to her that I'm not interested in magic."
"What, did she try to get you to join her coven?"
"Kind of?" I said, unsure. "She said something about me being very powerful."
"You are very powerful," he said. "Just look at the effect you've had on me."
It was the kind of thing an average guy might say to his average girlfriend. Or it could be him talking about how I was helping him with his spirit darkness. There was no way to know. The statement was vague enough that I could sort of ignore it, so I did. I just smiled.
"Well anyway," Adrian said, standing up and taking my hand to help me up too. "Like I was starting to say, let's talk about all this in private. Do you think you can drive your poor brother back over to his apartment and keep him company for a little while? I mean, the break-in has really upset me."
"Yeah?" I asked. "What got stolen?"
"My heart," he said, with an air of tragedy. I hit him in the arm and he laughed.
"Alright, Mr. Melbourne," I said. "I'll drive you back." We started walking to the parking lot. "You already signed me out?" I asked.
"I signed you out for the next three hours," he said, with an evil grin. "And I know you can drive pretty fast. That leaves us with plenty of time."
My heart began pounding in my chest as we got into Latte. So much time alone with Adrian in his apartment! We didn't usually have that much time alone in real life. On Thursdays we barely scraped together an hour and a half. What if today he wanted to... go further? What if I wanted to, too? Considering the way I'd acted last night, I wasn't sure I could trust myself anymore.
We made the quick drive over to Adrian's place. He told me that he wanted to wait until we got there to discuss what was on his mind, so we just chatted about everyday things while I drove. We came to a red light and I looked over at him. He was telling me a story about something that had happened at painting class, but I was only half-listening. I looked at that gorgeous face, those amazing green eyes. I focused on those lips that I loved to kiss, but that I knew hid needle sharp fangs. It was strange to care so much for someone who still frightened me a little. He caught me looking and smiled at me, squeezing my right hand, which rested on the clutch, once before he went on with his story.
When we got to his apartment, Adrian paused for a moment at his door to lift up the corner of the welcome mat, revealing a bright silver key. "I put this here for you," he said. "In case you ever want to come in. Or, if you want, you can just keep it with you…."
"I can't," I said. "If I'm found with a key to your apartment in my possession, that would be pretty tough to explain."
"I know," he said, with a sigh. We stepped inside his front door and I closed it behind us. He paused where he was, looking at me. Usually at this point, I'd be sort of tackling him onto the couch or something, but I stayed motionless.
"Isn't there something you wanted to talk about with me?" I asked.
"Oh, yes, there is," he said. "Ok, but first, have a seat, let me get you a little something." I sat down on the couch, and he went over to the fridge. He came back over holding a Tupperware container and two forks. He sat down next to me, putting the Tupperware down on the coffee table in front of the couch. I could see that it contained chocolate cake that looked a lot like the kind Maryann had been eating back at the school office.
"I thought we could have a little pre-lunch dessert while we chatted," he said. I must have looked a little skeptical because he added, "Come on, try it! It's black forest! I made it in honor of our forest. It's really good. "
"Wait, this is the cake you baked?" I asked, surprised.
"Yes," he said proudly. "Part of it, anyway. I baked it from scratch."
"From scratch?" I repeated, dumbfounded.
"That's what I said." Adrian held out a fork. "Come on," he said. "I washed this fork for you myself. You might as well use it."
I took the fork, and Adrian watched as I took a hesitant bite of the cake. And... it was good. Like, really, really good. I was beyond surprised at Adrian's baking skill. Obviously, the cake didn't fit into my diet, but I couldn't exactly refuse to eat it, not with Adrian watching me.
"What made you decide to start baking all of a sudden?" I asked him, as I took another bite. I took one more bite as he answered me.
"Welllll," he drawled. "Actually, I've been baking for a few days now. This is the first cake I got really right. I had to eat the first three all by myself. It was a hardship." He patted his stomach.
"You still haven't explained why," I pointed out.
He looked down at his shoes. "I got the idea in my head because…. we did a still life of a cake in class, and um…. then I was painting the cake, and then I wanted a cake. But the mixes were expensive, soooo... then, I um, looked up recipes online and it's much cheaper to bake from scratch. And now I have cake… and you can have some." He paused, then added, "Is that weird? Do you think I'm really weird now?"
"Yeah, because the weirdest thing about you is the baking." I took one more bite, promising myself it'd be my last.
"Maybe it is," he said. "I'm a pretty normal guy, really. Just your average broke trust-fund vampire who brings people back from the dead. You know. Normal. Anyway, what do you think?"
"It's delicious," I said. "I'm impressed, honestly, but I can't have much more. I had a really big breakfast, and I'm not hungry." I had had a banana and a small yogurt, and a coffee, of course. There was no coffee in the dining hall, but I kept some instant stuff in my room. It wasn't quite the same thing but I didn't have time to run out to the coffee place all the time. Anyway, I was generally fine on that breakfast until lunch, and this cake did not fit in the plan.
"Oh, who cares if you're hungry or not?" Adrian said, grinning engagingly. "There's always room for cake." He leaned a little closer to me. "Shall I feed you?" he asked. He picked up a little cake with his fingers.
"No!" I said, then added a smile. "Come on, Adrian."
"Fine," he said. I watched him put the cake in his own mouth and lick the frosting from his fingers. I absentmindedly licked the frosting off my fork, not able to look away from his eyes. There was a silence as we stared at each other. Then Adrian took the fork from my hand, put more cake on it, and handed it back to me. "Have some more," he said, his voice seductive. "You look so hot when you lick the frosting off the fork. Do it again."
I felt myself blush. "Adrian!" I said.
"I'm serious," he said, with a smile.
"This isn't the Let's-watch-Sydney-eat Show," I said.
"No?" he asked. "Well then, what time is that show on? I'll set my Tivo." He picked up a bit of cake again with his fingers and leaned forward with it so that it was just an inch from my mouth. I rolled my eyes but opened my mouth. He placed the bit of cake on my tongue, and it really was sooooo good. I sort of sighed as I let it melt in my mouth. "Good?" Adrian asked.
"Delicious," I said.
"You have a bit of…" Adrian said, and leaned forward. He licked the side of my face, then sucked very gently at one corner of my lower lip. "There," he said. "Got it. You had a little frosting on y—" He couldn't finish the word because I had knocked him over on the couch. We kissed for a while, until suddenly Adrian pulled away. "Are these…" he said, looking at my neck. "Are there hickeys on your neck?"
I sighed. "Yes," I said.
"You um, haven't been seeing someone else, have you?"
"Nope," I said. "Those are your handiwork."
"Interesting, considering that I haven't seen you in person for days."
"Yeah, it is, isn't it?"
"Will you hold on a minute?" he asked, getting up. "I'll be right back." He went down the hallway to his room. While he was gone, I ate a few bites of cake, mostly to distract myself from the thought of running after him and knocking him over on the bed and… yeah. In a moment, he came back, holding something. He put it down on the table in front of us. It was the bottle of port that I had last seen on his bedside table in a dream. Of course.
"Can you explain this?" he asked. "I woke up to find it on my bedside table this morning. Not that I wasn't happy to see it, but still. So? Can you explain it?"
"Actually," I said, "I can't."
"But you don't seem surprised," Adrian pointed out, gently.
"No," I admitted. "I'm not really surprised." I took one more bite of cake, for luck.
"And," Adrian said, "do you perhaps know the current whereabouts of my favorite gray shirt? I was thinking about wearing it today and do you know something, I couldn't find it anywhere."
"So you decided on a suit?"
"Well, if you can't be comfortable, you might as well look good. So, Sage? The shirt? Whereabouts?"
I sighed. "I might have woken up in it this morning."
"I see," Adrian said. "Is there anything else that you want to tell me about?"
I took another bite of cake to buy myself some time. I couldn't remember the last time I'd eaten such good cake. Then I said, "Well. There were a few other things that I've woken up with that I didn't go to sleep with." I gave him a quick summary: the pine needle, the glitter, the napkin, on and on. I concluded with the story of the pencil.
"Why have you not told me about this?" Adrian asked, when I was done talking.
"I thought I could handle it myself."
"Didn't you think that maybe I'd want to know, though?"
"Yes, but..." I trailed off. I guess I hadn't thought that he'd want to know. I didn't even want to know. "I didn't want to bother you," I went on, feeling lame. "This is my job. To deal with the unexplained."
Adrian took a deep breath. "Would you like my thoughts on this?" he asked.
"I guess," I said. I stuck a pinky into the frosting and licked it off. Adrian watched me, then shook his head as if to regain his focus.
"Ok. Here's the deal. I've never heard of people taking things back from spirit dreams, nor have I heard of people moving real objects from place to place using spirit dreams. But I'm not sure that what we do is always normal spirit dreaming. It's even more real with you than it ever had been before I met you." He shook his head as if mystified. "I think it's something you're doing, Sydney."
I knew he had to be right, but I still said, "I don't do magic."
"It doesn't have to be magic," he said. He took a bite of cake himself, and watching him eat it made me want more. He saw me looking, and nudged the Tupperware closer to me. "Maybe it's just an extra ability you have," he said. "And really, it's a good thing. I know that you've been doing something for me, for my spirit darkness. I don't always catch it, but I can feel it later, the lightness, the brightness you bring me. It's something you're doing, and we both know it."
I swallowed another bite of cake. "I'm not doing anything special. It's just dream logic."
"And the t-shirt? And the bottle of port? And the pencil?"
"It's some weird spirit side effect," I said. I brushed a crumb from the side of my mouth. "You haven't dream walked much with humans before, have you? So maybe it's just something that happens when your magic interacts with a human body."
"That's not impossible," he said. "But... don't you think you're a little more than human? What you alchemists do – that's not exactly everyday."
"But it's not magic," I said. "It's trkmwnolger."
"It's what?" Adrian asked.
"It's technology," I said, after I had swallowed the cake.
"Maybe what you're doing in dreams is technology too," Adrian countered.
"What we're doing," I corrected.
"Ok," he said. "What we're doing. All I know is that when you do things in dreams, they... often feel more real. That's why I had you sort of pull the port into our dream last night. I knew that if you did it, it'd be the real thing, more or less. I didn't know I'd end up with a free bottle, but it is a nice bonus..."
"It must be because I'm human," I said. "I'm more of the earth than you are. So I keep us grounded." I giggled. "Grounded... to cake!"
Adrian grinned. "I'm glad you like the cake." Then he added, so quietly I almost couldn't hear him, "It's nice to see you eating."
"Like is not the word," I said, after a pause. "This cake is amazing." I chose to ignore his second comment, as I didn't have a response to it.
"Well, eat all of it you want," he said. "I have more in the fridge." As I took another bite, Adrian said, "Maybe, if it's ok with you, I'll talk to Sonya about this dream stuff. She's really great at the whole spirit thing. She might have an idea of what's going on."
"I guess that would be ok," I said.
"Great. I'll 'call' her soon," he said, using air quotes. "And um," he added, "maybe we should stop going on spirit dream dates, until we know what's going on. Just a temporary hiatus, you know?"
I groaned. "I don't want to stop," I said.
"I don't either, Sage. But I think we should." He sighed. "We'll just... talk on the phone more. We could get Skype..." It was such a poor substitute that I groaned again. "And maybe you can come over for dinner sometime. Maybe the day after tomorrow, even. That'll be a Friday night. Tell the kids you've got some errands to run for your nutso history teacher, and come right back over here."
"I can't keep coming back over here! Someone will notice!"
"Well, maybe not all the time. But Friday it'll be fine. And soon I'm sure we'll figure out the dream thing soon and get back to normal, or whatever passes for normal with us. Oh, hey…. Speaking of your nutso history teacher. If she really is knowledgeable about magic, maybe she can help with the dream stuff. Do you think you could ask her about it?"
"I guess I could," I said. "I just don't want to drag her into it, if I don't have to. She knows too much as it is."
"I guess so, but if she already knows, then she probably will be cool with it. I don't know. I'm grasping at straws here."
"Well, ok, how about this," I said. "Ask Sonya, and if she doesn't know, I'll ask Ms. Terwilliger."
"That's a deal," said Adrian. He took my hand and brought it to his lips. Our eyes met and I felt one of those instant flashes of chemistry come over me. His eyes fell to my neck. "Sorry about the hickeys, by the way," he said. "I didn't know they'd carry over into real life or I wouldn't have been quite so careless." He kissed the inside of my wrist, right on my pulse.
"It felt good at the time," I said, feeling like I couldn't get quite enough air in my lungs all of a sudden.
Have you ever watched a cat, watching something that it wanted to pounce on? You can see the cat's whole body tensing, its ears flat, its butt wriggling a little, as it waits, completely in tune with just one thing: its prey. That's kind of how I felt. I wasn't sure if I was the cat or the prey but I didn't really care. I was waiting for the pounce.
Next thing I was consciously aware of, Adrian was on top of me and we had been kissing for at least a few minutes. His suit jacket lay on the floor, and his tie decorated one of the lamps. "Sydney," he whispered in my ear. "Let me get these for you." He ran a finger over the hickeys, and I understood: he wanted to heal them.
"Ok," I breathed. I didn't want to have to explain them to anyone else, and well, it was his fault I had them, sort of, right? He kissed me again, and the feeling of hot and cold rolled over me in waves for a moment. I clutched at his back. Then the feeling passed, and Adrian paused to examine my neck.
"Oh, good, it worked," he said. "That means I can just give you a few more now. Just don't let me forget to heal you up before you go." And he went for my neck with an intensity that should have scared me, considering the fact that he was, well, a vampire. But oh, did it feel good! His hands crept under my shirt, and I let it happen, surprised at the intensity of the feeling when his fingers moved under my bra. Our bodies moved together, and I found myself untucking his shirt so I could run my hands over his bare back. My shirt joined his suit jacket on the floor, and a moment later, my bra joined his tie. He looked me in the eye, then began to kiss his way down past my neck, past my collar bone, down to my breast. I gasped when his mouth found what it'd been looking for.
"Adrian," I gasped. "Oh my god…."
My mind began to race. We were going even further than last night. This was too good, this felt too good, this was dangerous….
Adrian looked up at me, saw my eyes wide, and came back up to kiss me, one hand on one of my breasts, his other caressing my face. His thumb stroked my lower lip and I pulled it into my mouth, biting it gently. We both paused, staring at each other, breathing hard. Then he leaned close to my ear.
"Would you maybe like to go to the bedroom?" he whispered.
It was happening. The thing I was afraid would happen, or hoped would happen, or something, I don't know. It was here, and now that it was, what would I do? It wasn't that I didn't believe in sex before marriage, exactly. I knew that for some people it was just recreational, or at least, a bit less than a life-long commitment thing. I didn't begrudge other people that. It was just that, with all of the religious tenants I'd been raised under, I couldn't help but take sex really seriously. I froze, conflicted.
When I didn't answer, Adrian smiled gently and kissed my cheek. "It's ok," he said. "We don't have to. It was just an idea. Maybe some other time."
Some other time? Could I actually do it? It wasn't forbidden, but was it a good idea? I knew that for me at least, having sex with someone would create a spiritual bond I might never be able to break. And considering how much I already cared about Adrian, I was sure that if we were to actually have sex, it would just make us even closer. I couldn't face the idea of getting even closer to Adrian like that, since it was inevitable that we would part. It was going to hurt like crazy as it was. I couldn't take the risk.
"I'm not sure," I said. "It's um, sort of a risk."
"It doesn't have to be…." he said. "I'd look after you. I could get condoms. I have some already, in fact."
"Not that kind of risk," I said. "Although, yeah, that's a risk too." I was suddenly acutely aware of my half-naked state, and grabbed my bra from the lamp and put it back on.
"I'm sorry," he said, and reached over to re-hook my bra for me. It was a sweet gesture, since I knew that he would probably rather be unhooking it. "I didn't mean to scare you. I just thought that… well, with how things have been going…."
"I know," I said. "I'm sorry I'm so weird about this."
"You're not weird," he said. "Well, no weirder than anyone else I care about, myself included." He pulled me into a hug, and then we sort of snuggled up on the couch. His shirt was off, and I was just in my bra, so there was a lot of bare skin contact. My blood was still rushing in my veins.
"I guess the thing I keep thinking is, if you had a different girlfriend, you'd be having sex," I said in a little voice.
"I don't want a different girlfriend," he said. "I want you. Listen." He kissed my cheek. "I'm a big boy. I can take care of myself. Do, in fact. Sometimes twice a day."
"Oh my god, you didn't just say that!" I covered my face with my hands.
Adrian laughed. "I did," he said. "Deal with it. But seriously, you don't have to feel like this. I see it in you sometimes: you're so worried about everything. I'm completely serious when I say that we don't have to have sex yet. We have plenty of time." He squeezed me.
I wanted to say that we didn't have plenty of time at all. I wanted to say that all we had was maybe another month or two before he'd be back at the Moroi court. After that, I was certain that our relationship would just taper off, no matter what Adrian said about wanting to stay together. Never mind the fact that I had never felt this way about any other person in my entire life. There'd be a huge distance between us geographically once he left, and it would match the huge distance of race and background that already lay between us. It was just too much stress for any relationship to bear, and I knew it.
But I couldn't say any of that to Adrian. How could I? How could you look someone in the face and say, "I can't have sex with you because I know we'll be breaking up in a few weeks"? He seemed to still think that he would stay devoted long-term, and I just didn't share his optimism.
I wondered what it would be like to try to date someone else. Probably someday I'd end up dating some normal human guy who would bring me flowers from the grocery store and kiss me awkwardly at a movie theater. With him, kissing would just be mashing lips, nothing like the electric connection it was with Adrian. And my human boyfriend and I would get married and hate each other, like my mom and dad did. And I'd miss Adrian every day of my life.
Suddenly, even staying near him was more than I could take. That feeling from the night before, when I had felt like I was about to burst, was dangerously close again. I had to go. I pulled out of the hug and stood up as if full of energy.
"I've stayed as long as I can. I have lots of studying to do." I reached for my shirt on the floor and put it back on.
"What? Sydney, you're leaving?" He stood up too.
"Yeah, I really have to. I'm sorry." I stepped back into my shoes and started looking around for my handbag.
"I've upset you, I guess." He searched my face.
"No, no, no, nothing like that, really," I said, giving him the best smile I could manage. "I just am really busy."
Adrian scrutinized me for another moment, then said, "Sydney, you heard what I said. If you stay, that doesn't mean that we're going to do anything you don't want to do. I give you my word, I won't even kiss you again, if you don't want me to. I just want to be around you, in real life. We could just watch TV if you want. We'll order a pizza. It's not a big deal."
"I know," I said. "You wouldn't make me do what I don't want to do." Yeah, muttered that familiar voice of reason in my head. But he might encourage you to do what you do want to do. "But I really should go," I said out loud, maybe a little too emphatically.
God, just the sight of the hallway that led to his bedroom was driving me nuts. I could see, in my mind's eye, the two of us, holding hands, walking back to his room, crawling together into that silky bed, as we had so many times in dreams, but never in real life. And then we'd... I shook my head to clear the vision. "That would be something we couldn't take back," I told myself firmly, but silently, in my head. "And it would just make it harder to say goodbye when the time comes."
"Well, then, let me give you some cake for the road," Adrian said, in a manner of forced cheerfulness. He went to the fridge and got out another Tupperware. I could see even from where I stood that it was full of more of that black forest cake. He held it out to me as if he were conferring knighthood or something with it. I wanted to say no, but I couldn't. I took it from him with a thank-you.
"And I started to ask you before..." Adrian added. "Do you want to come over for dinner on Friday?"
Oh, god, yes and no. "Um, that might work," I said, not sure what to do. Was I just going to have to avoid him, to prevent us from going further than we should? I didn't know if I could trust myself around him. I remembered suddenly what I had said that first night in the pine forest: "I want you. I want to kiss you again. More than I ever wanted anything else, my whole life." I had kissed him a thousand times since then, and I still wanted it just as much as before, if not more. Not just for the physicality of it, but because he was Adrian. My Adrian. But he couldn't be mine forever. Suddenly I felt miserable.
"Now you know I'm a good cook," he said, stepping close to me, "you'll have more incentive to come over and sample my delivery pizza." I was looking down at my feet, and he put his hand on my chin to tilt my face upwards so that our eyes me. "Sydney Sage," he said. "Is there anything on your mind? Please, whatever it is, tell me."
"I'm fine," I said. "Really."
"I can't help you unless you let me," he said.
"I don't need help," I said, and smiled to take away the slight sting of the words.
"Everyone needs help," he said. "At least sometimes." As if to emphasize that point, he put a gentle hand on my neck. I felt the rush of hot and cold, and realized that he had healed a hickey I hadn't even known I'd had. "I kind of like being the one who does the helping, for once. I like helping you. The only thing I was ever able to do to help... other girlfriends... was to buy them things." He smiled ruefully. "Maybe it's a good thing I got cut-off for a while, money-wise. It's forced me to get creative."
"You're wonderful," I said. "Really, you are." I stood on my tip-toes to kiss his cheek. "Don't worry about a thing. I have it all under control. But I have to go. I'll call you later, ok?"
"Ok," he said. We kissed goodbye, and even in that quick peck, I felt the chemical connection. I couldn't look too long at him or I would have lost my resolution. I almost ran to the stairway and down to where Latte was parked. I was still holding the Tupperware full of cake and I put it in the front seat, not sure what I could do with it.
After a few blocks, I stopped at a public garbage can, meaning to throw the cake away, Tupperware and all. Then it occurred to me that Adrian might want the container back, so I opened it to just dump the cake out. The second I smelled it, I couldn't throw the cake away. I just couldn't. I grabbed a bit with my bare fingers and ate it right there. It was so good, it took all my self-control to not eat the entire thing standing over the garbage can. I put it in the front seat and grabbed little bits of it out with my fingers the whole drive home. I finished it before I even got back.
Oddly, I didn't feel guilty about it, as I thought I would. Looking at the empty Tupperware on my desk, I thought, "The calories don't really count, since Adrian made the cake." That pronouncement didn't feel quite right, but I decided to go with it. I went to lunch and had what I would usually have: some grilled chicken and vegetables, no sauce or bread, and more coffee. It was an extremely healthy meal, even if the portions were small, so I don't know why Eddie and Jill stared at my plate as if it were a weird choice.
As I dragged myself through my last few classes of the day, I tried to keep my spirits up. If I looked at it the right way, today had been a great development. Adrian knew about the dream stuff now, and he wasn't mad. He might even be able to help. Maybe everything would really be alright, just like he said it would be.
And as far as the sex thing went... Well, I could find a solution for that. I always found solutions for things, right? It was true that I didn't know how I could simultaneously keep Adrian close and keep him at arm's length, but impossible situations were kind of my forte.
I touched my hand to my cross and prayed for some sort of sign about what to do next.
As it turned out, maybe I should have been more specific.