Disclaimer: I use some of the in-game dialogue in this fic, no copyright infringement intended. I do not own Mass Effect, I just borrow the world and the characters because I can. I can, right? Bioware?

Patience comes in many different forms, and even when it doesn't occur naturally, it can be learned by practice or acquired through willpower.

Jeff Moreau was the living proof of that statement. The sort of patience he possessed came from his unending struggle with life, from having to work hard for everything that came so naturally to others. But Jeff Moreau didn't like being a patient man, nor did he want to be one. He'd simply always had to.

When he'd decided that he wanted to be a helmsman for example, he was aware that it would take more than talent for him. It would take conviction, persistence and it would take a whole lot of patience; towards the people around him, but most importantly, towards himself. After all, he was the boy with brittle bones in a universe full of medical miracles.

Having to constrain himself from rushing had its benefits and made him the strong willed person that he was, but not without taking its toll on his personal life. As time passed by, he became more and more dependent on knowing where he stood, shying away from surprises in favor of control.

A ship responded exactly the way one would expect it to, provided that one knew it inside out.

People however, were unpredictable.

Joker woke up well before the morning watch and headed for the mess. He liked to have the first coffee of the day by himself, when the ship was at its most silent.

The peace and calm he felt vanished when he saw there was already someone sitting at the table. He thought of turning back, but his need for caffeine outweighed his desire for solitude. As he approached, he noticed the red hair attached to a certain commander's head, resting on her arms.

"Hey commander," he called, but realized that she was sound asleep.

He walked closer and stood next to her, looking at her face. Her cheek was pressed against her arm and a lock of her hair was touching her nose, making it twitch.

Joker swept the hair off her face, forgetting how alert she could get in a second and break his arm, but she didn't wake up. He walked over to the counter, made some coffee and poured two cups. He placed the cups on the table and sat next to her. He crossed his arms, leaned back and watched her as her nose reacted to the smell.

With her eyes half-open, Shepard lifted her head and tried to reach for the cup.

"Morning sunshine," said Joker, handing her the cup.

"Morning," she replied, straightened her back and let out a satisfied sigh after taking a sip from the coffee. "What time is it?"

"Early. What are you doing sleeping here anyway?"

She yawned and stretched. "I came here to get some coffee after my workout couple hours ago. The next thing I know, coffee came to me." She smiled. "Thank you."

"Your workout?" asked Joker. "Just when do you sleep Shepard?" He paused. "You do sleep, don't you?"

"Yes Joker, and I believe you've just witnessed it."

"You know what I mean," said Joker and put his elbows on the table, supporting his head with one fist. He gazed at her as she took another sip from her cup. When she turned to him, his eyes were focused on his coffee mug. She huffed.

"I've been having some trouble sleeping. But please don't start talking about how I neglect taking care of myself and so on; I have enough mothers on this ship, EDI being one of them."

"EDI? Damn thing picks on me every chance it gets, but it coddles you?"

"Oh, would you like to be coddled? I'll be sure to let her know."

"Don't you dare commander, or I'll tell everyone that you were mumbling my name in your sleep."

"What? No I wasn't?" Was I?

"Well, you'll never know," he said with a wicked glint in his eyes. Shepard pretended to yawn to drown the girly sigh she felt coming.

"So, you brought home an asari this time huh?" asked Joker. "She is nothing like Liara, I'll give you that."

"No, she isn't," agreed Shepard. "But Liara isn't what she used to be either. In any case, Samara is an exceptional biotic. She'll be a great asset to the team."

"Speaking of biotics," Joker said with a wide smile, "Tali told me about the volus you encountered. She also said you prevented him—what was it—ascending to godhood?"

"Oh yeah, the biotic god!" Shepard exclaimed, recalling the delusional volus high on red sand. "What was I supposed to do, let the idiot charge off like that? Biotic god!" she repeated, laughing. "Sorry you had to miss that. They should put him in the next Blasto vid."

"You surprise me commander, I always thought you were this cold hearted scary super soldier. Who knew you could show mercy?"

"Well I guess we were both wrong Joker, I used to think you were an advanced auto pilot unit."

"Ouch, that hurt," he said, grinning. "So what changed?"

Shepard looked right at him. "Kaidan," she said.

Joker's grin disappeared as he looked away. "Yeah," he muttered. "That was a tough one." He drummed his fingers on the table. "You knew he had a major crush on you right?"

Shepard gave him a sad smile. "I knew," she said.

"Huh."

They stopped talking and drank their coffee for a while, until Shepard broke the silence.

"I've been meaning to ask you something Joker," she said.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. What is it about my forehead that you find so fascinating?"*

"Wha?"

"Every time you look at me, you fix your eyes there and you squint like you're trying to see into my brain!"

Joker brought his mug to his lips. "I don't know commander, maybe it's the scars," he muttered and took a gulp of coffee. "They glow sometimes you know. It's kinda scary."

"Cut the crap Moreau!" Shepard exploded, startling the helmsman. "Or I swear I'll unleash Chambers upon you. Why can't you look me in the eye?"

Joker took a deep breath and let it out. Shit. He looked around, hoping to see someone approaching but they were alone. He was cornered.

He stared into his mug. Ok, he thought. This has been long time coming. The moment of truth.

"I know you killed a lot of people commander," he began. "Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to make light of it. But I don't think you ever got someone you cared about killed because you were being a stubborn jackass." He took his cap off and put his head in his hands as he continued. "And even if you had, I'm fairly certain you didn't see that person after mourning them for two years. In flesh and blood. Every day." He lifted his head halfway and rubbed his right forearm. Then he looked at her, his shoulders shaking with a manic laughter. "But here you are, acting like nothing ever happened, talking to me like I didn't cost you two years of your life!"

Shepard could only stare.

"You think you're the reason I got spaced?" she managed at last.

"I was the one who refused to abandon ship Shepard. You came back for me."

"Yes Joker. I came back for you. Did you ask me to? No! It was my damn decision! And as I recall it was the collectors who destroyed our ship, and you held her together long enough for a lot of people to make an escape."

"That's the thing!" snapped Joker, his eyes wide open. "I didn't even think about the people Shepard, I just wanted the Normandy to make it." His lips curled in disgust.

Shepard's face softened. "You once told me that Normandy was the best thing that ever happened to you. You wanted to hang on, I get it. I don't blame you for anything."

"Well I blame me," he said. "And you! I was perfectly happy with what I had before you came along with the responsibility of saving the fucking galaxy on your shoulders and made me a part of it! You got me hooked on all those fuzzy feelings of heroism and badassery, and bam! There I was, mourning these things that I didn't even care about before I met you. It wasn't right, you dying and me surviving… It wasn't right."

"There was no right or wrong! In what possible universe would I have left you behind Jeff? Especially after having to leave Kaidan on Virmire like that? And do I need to remind you, putting aside all the times you saved my ass, that you deserve as much credit as I got for defeating Saren? I couldn't have done it without you." She put her hand on his forearm.

"Is that why you joined Cerberus?" she asked. "Guilt?"

Joker swallowed as a part of him frantically thought of ways to deflect the question. His answer could open more doors than he was comfortable with. How can I just say it? he thought. It was all for you.

"I was a mess," he said. "I couldn't forgive the Alliance for failing you. I couldn't…" He held the hand on his arm.

"And then Cerberus came on the scene like a creepy cult leader, going 'Hi, Joker is it? So we think the collectors are working for the reapers. Yes, we believe they exist. Just like Shepard did. Oh, and we have cookies.'" He clutched her hand as if he was afraid she'd disappear. "So I joined, and I stayed. I owed it to you."

"And they had cookies," said Shepard, but couldn't get him to smile. "Joker, even if it had been your fault, you have nothing to feel guilty about now," she said. "I'm alive. I'm fine. I'm here."

"But you weren't! Do you have any idea how it felt; stepping out of that damn pod and having to explain that you didn't make it? To try to come to terms with it when the Council was all 'reapers? we didn't see any reapers?' Everything you'd built fell apart and none of us could stop it." He inhaled and continued. "Watching them put you back together was no picnic either. Yeah, it turned out fine but I could have done without the suspense." He paused, gulping. "And the cherry on top was all the while knowing none of it would have happened, if only I'd stopped being a selfish asshole and seen reason two minutes sooner."

"It might not have happened if I couldn't find my favorite visor that morning and taken a detour! For fuck's sake Jeff, delving into hypothetical scenarios? You're right, I can't imagine how it'd been for any of you, but will it make you feel better if I said it was your fault? What can I do to bring you back from this?"

Joker raised his head and looked into her eyes. "I'd just wanted to say I'm sorry," he said. "So why do I feel like the damsel in distress all over again?"

Shepard tried to put the words in her mind in an order so they would make sense, but anything she came up with seemed weak, and they wouldn't do justice to what she wanted to express.

"I—"

"I don't want to be saved Riley. You're the one who always tries to carry all the weight. I want to be there for you when you need saving. And I don't just mean whisking you away from danger zones. From anything." From anything? he thought, inwardly cringing. God damn it, where do all those fancy words go when you need them?

Shepard gave him a tiny grin. "Anything?" she asked. "Like spiders?"

Joker raised a brow. "Is this a trick question?" he said, an easy smile spreading across his face. "You're not afraid of spiders."

"No I'm not," she said as her grin grew. "But how do you even know this?"

"Not sure," he said, failing to remember. "Must have come up at some point."

"Oh, I know," said Shepard, her face brightening. "It was when you'd tried to put up Halloween decorations! You know, the time we ended up with some sad spiders in the mess and a lone, awkward bat hanging from the overhead in the cockpit?" She chuckled. "It was awful."

"Well, who refused to approve the budget?"

"Who insisted on using paper when there was the free option of virtual decorations? Seriously, stop watching those old movies. They're influencing you in a weird way."

Joker laughed and reclined in his seat. "Tali did not like those spiders. At all."

"And Liara? She actually did a research on the tradition because she just couldn't understand how pumpkins associated to the dead."

"Pumpkins," Joker said, trying to suppress his laughter. "Didn't Garrus tell you that your head kinda looked like one?"

Shepard squinted at him. "It's the color, not the shape!" she exclaimed. "And he thought he was complimenting me. I think." She sniggered. "He even thanked me when I told him he looked like a cockatoo in return. He was quite happy until Tali pulled up an image."

"You're evil."

"I know," she said with a half smirk. "Fun times. And Wrex was really into the whole Halloween thing."

"You might be confusing Wrex with Ash," said Joker.

Shepard's face turned pensive upon hearing the name. "Yeah," she uttered as Joker mentally kicked himself.

"Way to sour the mood Williams," said the commander. "Those were the days, huh?"

"I could try to carve a pumpkin if it'd make you feel any better?" said Joker.

Shepard put a hand on his shoulder. "Joker," she said with a solemn expression. "That would make me feel better under any circumstances."

He stopped smiling and looked at her, and Shepard felt a pleasant unease under his gaze.

"What?" she asked.

"I'm sorry I got you killed," he said without taking his eyes off hers.

Shepard slid her hand from his shoulder to his arm. "I forgive you," she said, and the weight of Joker's guilt left his chest with these words as the commotion of the morning watch began in the background.

Shepard walked to the CIC with a giddy energy.

"Commander," Kelly greeted her.

"Morning Kelly. Is everything in order?"

"Garrus received some news that put fire in his eyes. You might want to speak to him," said the yeoman.

"Got it," Shepard said. "I'll go check up on him now."

'An eye for an eye, a life for a life. He owes me ten lives.'

Shepard had never seen Garrus like this before. There was fire in his eyes, but feeding it vengeance wouldn't make that kind of fire go out. It would only help it grow and burn him from inside out.

You can't kill him ten times, Garrus.

"I'm coming with you. Let's do this."

At the factory district in the Citadel; Shepard, Garrus and Jack didn't even bother to take cover to take out the last two mechs Harkin sent them. After dealing with two YMIR mechs, Shepard found it somewhat funny that he'd think these LOKI's would be able to stop the squad.

Jack's shockwave dropped the mechs on their metallic asses as Shepard and Garrus walked ahead, finishing them off as they made their way to the door.

It was even funnier that Harkin thought he could get away without cooperating.

But Garrus attacking him without restraint, Shepard didn't find funny at all, even though she didn't stop him. She didn't want to stand in his way every step of the road. She was saving it for the time when it would matter the most.

"What'd I ever do to you?" whined the former C-Sec as he bled on the floor.

"Before or after the heavy mechs you had attack us?" Shepard said and turned to Garrus, leaving the wounded man for C-Sec to pick up. "I think the shock affected his memory."

But Garrus didn't make a sound as he walked beside her.

"Garrus, you're scaring me."

"Right," he said, cold and dry.

"I'm serious. You're acting like your evil twin."

This got a little reaction from the turian, but he zoned out again fast. He was so close to avenging his men, to putting an end to the traitor. Sidonis' face appeared in his mind, from the times they used to eat, drink, laugh and fight together. His rage grew hotter inside him, becoming harder to contain. He gave out a loud exhale as he marched on, leaving Shepard to pause and look at him. Jack caught up to her.

"Let him do what he needs to," she said. "Worked for me."

Shepard huffed and resumed walking. It worked for you, she thought. It might not for him.

And it comes to this, Shepard thought, betraying her friend's trust to protect his betrayer. That was how Garrus would see it anyway. I can live with him being angry with me.

"Don't do it Garrus," she said. "Look at him. There's nothing left to kill."

"Get out of the way Shepard," the turian hissed as the commander stood between him and his prey. "I don't give a damn about how he feels. He has to die."

"And it'll all be sunshine and rainbows after you murder him?

"I owe it to them," said Garrus in a low, dangerous growl and Shepard wondered in all seriousness if he'd shoot through her to get Sidonis in a momentary lapse.

She turned around, and Garrus saw the tiny red dots in her blue-gray eyes glinting through the scope.

"Ok," she said, without moving from her position. "Do whatever you want." Sidonis hung his head in a despondent surrender, but Shepard continued through gritted teeth. "But don't insult me or the memory of your men by saying you're doing this for them, because we both know you're doing it for you and for you only. Vengeance is selfish Garrus, dress it up all you want in honor and justice."

She took a step to the left, letting Garrus have a clear shot.

Garrus' finger on the trigger twitched. Sidonis wasn't trying to run. He stood in his sight like a sacrifice waiting to be slain, his vacant eyes meeting his executioner's as his lips formed some words Garrus couldn't hear, but could guess. He felt his hatred receding, taken over by disgusted pity.

"Just… go," he said. "Tell him to go."

When Shepard entered her quarters, she was itching for a fight. The trip back to the Normandy had been tense to say the least, and Garrus hadn't even looked at her when he'd said he needed some time alone.

What right did I have, she thought, to deny him his vengeance? To manipulate him to the point where he couldn't pull the trigger? Me, of all people.

She'd recognized that blind fury that had seized Garrus. She had lived with it, picked her target to blame for it and took a life for the first time because of it.

But Garrus was different. His target had been the right one, and he'd killed before.

Did I stop him to atone for my own sin?

She walked to the bathroom and splashed some water on her face. She looked in the mirror, studying her reflection. Some of the scars were still there.

No. I couldn't risk it. This way of killing is something else entirely. I couldn't risk this change him, tear away something that he'd never get back. Not him.

She stepped out of the bathroom and looked at the huge fish tank, her bed, the ridiculous couches and all the other needless luxury. This is not what I strive for, she thought, touching the reminders of her reconstruction on her face. My penance isn't over yet.

She sat down, going over the available missions. She needed to get her mind off this, and move forward as quickly as possible. The reapers won't sit around waiting for me to get over my past traumas.

"EDI?"

The AI's holographic image appeared at the terminal. "Yes Shepard?"

"Tell Joker to set a course for Zorya."

"Understood commander."

* Why, hello there Morrigan's nose.

A/N: Thanks for the reviews! I'm also open to criticism, just so you know. Or am I? I don't know. Lots of daddy issues there haha. Btw, I know I've mentioned this before, but if anyone's interested in Riley Shepard's backstory it's there in "I'll see the stars." That story sits there like that bat in the cockpit :) (I'm not fishing for reviews for that one, it's just sometimes I make little references to it. Nothing crucial though.)