Authors Notes: This is going to be the last installment for a while, I have about a million things I have to get through in the last few weeks before the big day. Don't count me completely out though, I can't get through most days without writing something so look for a one shot or two perhaps. I promise as soon as my impending nuptials are behind me and things are back to normal I will return. And I just want to give a big thanks to my lovely friend Amy for reading this about 2,000 times before I finished and talking me off the ledge more than once. I know I am a little crazy, can we blame it on the wedding??
After Boom.
"What are you doing here, you're not supposed to be in until tomorrow." Elliot said as Olivia walked in to the squad room and sat at her desk.
"I'm not here. Don't worry about it." She flipped open a file and hoped that Elliot wasn't feeling chatty either.
"You look pretty here to me."
"Yeah well I'm not." Olivia snapped shooting Elliot a get back stare.
"Crappy attitude, here in the middle of the day on your Saturday off, I'd say trouble in paradise?" Elliot teased.
"Well you're wrong." Olivia said turning the page.
"Come on, fess up, what'd ya do?" Elliot asked as he made his way to pour them each a cup of stale coffee.
"What makes you think I did something?" Olivia said taking the offering from Elliot and taking a drink.
"Innocent people rarely leave the scene of the crime…detective 101." Elliot said kicking his feet up on his desk to exaggerate his point.
"Yeah well you have it wrong. And seriously have you guys not made a fresh pot since I left?" She said pushing the toxic coffee away from her.
"Mmmm new pot, same grounds." Elliot said with a wink. "Come on Liv, I'm just teasing ya, what's going on? Maybe I can help ya know I've been with the same women for the last 17 years. You don't do that with out picking up a thing or two about women."
"I am a woman, I think I know a thing or two about them. And anyway it's nothing. We're fine."
"So we've gone from no trouble, to trouble but it isn't your fault, to you're fine nothings wrong at all again."
"We had a fight Elliot, it's nothing it will blow over I just needed to get out of the house and clear my head. I might as well catch up on some paperwork while I'm at it."
"If you say so." Elliot said going back to his paperwork.
Olivia fidgeted at her desk a while longer before she couldn't take it anymore.
"What do you and Kathy fight about most?" Olivia asked suddenly shutting her file.
"Money, hands down. Where it comes from, where it goes, how much goes where…yeah money." Elliot said with a sigh.
"Well at least that is the same no matter who you are." Olivia got up and dumped the disgusting coffee out and threw the two day old grounds in the trash.
"Ah, money troubles?" Elliot asked as Olivia refilled the carafe and switched on the pot.
"You could say that." Olivia said rubbing her temples, she felt like her head was about to split open.
"I thought Alex had family money…"
"She does." She rolled her eyes and sat back down.
"Then what is the problem." Elliot asked confused.
"You wouldn't understand."
"Try me."
Olivia sighed and looked off at nothing, just trying to think of how to explain the situation made her aware of how unreasonable she was being. She hated that she could rationalize it in her head but somehow in her heart she still felt like she wasn't, nor would she ever been deserving of Alex, that feeling went so much deeper than the money that it wasn't about the money at all really.
"You ever feel like..." Olivia swallowed. "You ever feel like Kathy might be better off without you. Not that you aren't a great father, or husband...I'm not saying that I just mean..."
"You think maybe Alex would be better off without you. Yeah I understand. I've been there. Its hard."
"I don't know it's like her having that money reminds me of all I can't give her, when all I want to do is give her everything. She deserves it..."
"So do you Olivia."
"Hmmph." Olivia rolled her eyes and sat forward in her chair coming to rest her head in her hands.
"That's your problem right there Liv, you don't think you're worth it."
"Don't try to shrink me Elliot."
"I'm not trying to shrink you." Elliot said with a chuckle, Olivia could be the most unreasonable person in the room if she really put her mind to it.
"Yeah, I think you are." Olivia said defensively.
"If I were trying to shrink you, which I am not, I would mention how defensive you get when you know you are wrong."
"You're the one who's wrong El."
"Oh yeah? I'm wrong huh? Tell me one thing you think you deserve."
"A break from this line of bull shit for starters."
"Hey you are free to go, you're not on the clock." Elliot said safely assuming she was not ready to leave and go back and face whatever was going on between her and Alex.
"Forget I said anything."
"If you say so." Elliot said getting back to his work.
They had barely been working another few minutes when Cragens office door flew open and he stepped out into the bull pen, eyes locked on Olivia.
"Benson, my office...now!"
Olivia started to explain herself before the door has a chance to shut.
"I'm not on the clock cap, just thought I would get a jump on Monday."
"I will not be your hiding place Benson." Cragen said taking a seat at his desk.
"Excuse me?" Olivia asked confused.
"Have a seat Olivia."
Reluctantly she sat at the chair across from him and waited for an explanation.
"I will not be your hiding place, I will not let you hide in your work when things get hard for you."
"Who says things are hard? Who says I'm hiding?" Olivia said glaring at Elliot.
"Don't blame Elliot., Alex called."
"Damn it Alex."
"Don't blame her either."
"Cap, if you need me out of here I'll go." Olivia said walking towards the door.
"Sit down Olivia."
"Nah, Cap, its ok...I'll hide out somewhere else for a while."
"Sit...down...Olivia. That's an order detective." She could tell by the tone he wasn't playing around.
Reluctantly Olivia closed the door and sat down.
"Why are you here Olivia?"
"I just thought I would get a jump on Monday like I said."
"That isn't why you are here and we both know it. You haven't been in on a day off in months, not since Alex, so cut the crap what's going on."
"I don't see how it is any of your business Captain, I am sorry Alex bugged you with it."
"Why are you here Olivia?" The captain asked again wanting an answer.
"Well Alex called you right...you tell me."
"She just asked if you were here Olivia nothing more. From the looks of things you are just being stubborn."
"I'm not being stubborn Captain. I am being the same person I have always been."
"My point exactly, that is what worries me. Over the last several months I have seen a change in you Olivia, and not a bad one."
"You can't change a person captain." Olivia said standing and looking out the window into the squad room.
"Sure you, can and Alex has changed you."
"Maybe I don't want to be changed." Olivia knew her tone wasn't appropriate, but she didn't care, he wanted to talk about this, she wasn't going to make it easy for him.
"Maybe you didn't have a choice, maybe you didn't even realize it was happening. Like it or not Olivia, Alex has changed you and for the better. Last year you were hanging on by a thread. I had given some serious thought to having you reassigned; you were too involved you took things too hard. Even when you left the prescient you never left the job. As shocking as your relationship with Alex was to me, it has made you a better detective. Everyone needs someone to ease the pressure, especially in our line of work, everyone deserves to smile now and then."
"I wasn't hanging on by a thread." Olivia took the comment as a slap in the face.
"Call it what you want Benson, but if I were you I'd get over myself and I'd go home to Alex and fix whatever is going on with you two."
"It's not so cut and dry cap." Olivia said sitting back down and running her hands through her short dark hair.
"It never is Olivia. You have to realize it isn't just about you anymore. You're used to being on your own, not having someone to answer to I get that. I want you to really think about that though, when were you happier then...or now?" Cragen paused and picked up a picture from his desk. "Take my word for it Olivia, you don't want to be alone, you'll miss her when she's gone."
"How did you do it Cap?" Olivia said realizing what he was alluding to.
"Do what?"
"Stay married for so many years, stay happy, even with the job."
"I guess the easiest answer is she made it easy, every day, every call, when things got to be just too much I'd just remember at the end of the day I'd be home with her. Life is easier when you have someone to share it with Benson."
"I just feel like she deserves better than what I can give her cap, than what I am."
"And just what do you think that is?"
"A no named mutt, a rapist for a father, and a drunk for a mother. I am nothing from no where, and she is Alexandra Cabot of the Connecticut Cabots. She was born into this life of greatness and she has filled the role, what have I done?" Cragen saw the pain in Olivia's eyes as she told him the truth for the first time since he called her in to his office.
"You've made yourself into someone you can be proud of, someone Alex can be proud of, and someone that I am proud of. You're one of the most decorated detectives in SVU and you put the bad guys away. Alex knew who you were before you got involved you'd worked together for a long time, she knew what she was getting in to Olivia." He said trying to reassure a woman who had never needed much reassuring.
"I'm just scared that one day I am going to wake up and she'll be gone, she'll have realized that I am not who she sees herself with. I'm not the kind of person who was sure she'd even have a future, let alone someone you can have a future with."
"A long time ago back when I joined the force I thought for sure Maggie would leave. She was not happy when I took my oath to protect and serve, thought it was too dangerous, but I was stubborn and it was what I was going to do. There was a while there I was sure she'd just as soon leave me as be married to a cop but she didn't. She stuck it out twenty years. I can't say I was perfect in those twenty years, and I can't say she wasn't. Every day when I left for work, it was the same thing, 'come home safe Donald'. When we found out she had cancer, I found out first hand how she felt every time I left for work. Not knowing if I would come back that night, not sure what the future would hold for us. I always knew she loved me, but it was then that I realized how much you have to love someone, to let them walk out the door day in and day out, not knowing for sure that they will come home again. When she passed, I didn't know what I would do, I spent a lot of lonely nights in the bottom of a bottle trying to drink the pain away. The point I am trying to make here is, you can't protect Alex from loving you, she already does. And even if I knew from the start, that I would end up loosing her too soon, that I would be the one left without her… I wouldn't change a thing. Risk and reward Olivia, that is what love is. Alex put a lot on the line because she loves you, you need to believe that, hold on to that and not let it go. If you let doubt in, you'll never make it, not for a second. You have to trust your instincts, you have to trust your gut and know that she's with you because she loves you. So you may have to compromise a little, would you rather always have it your way and be alone, or give a little and have someone to come home to? You've got to stop selling yourself short Olivia, Alex is no fool I don't think she thought you would wake up one day and walk away from SVU and start working on Wall Street, she knows who you are and near as I can tell she loves who you are."
"I jus..." Olivia started.
"Olivia, go home. Make it right, and I don't want to see your mug back here until Monday got it?" Cragen said giving her a stern look.
"Yes sir." Olivia said.
"And Olivia..." He started.
"It's between you and me Cap." Olivia replied knowing what he was about to ask her.
"Good."
Olivia didn't go straight home from the prescient, she meandered down the sidewalks of the city thinking about what the captain had said, looking in the windows, thinking about all the things that she and Alex had made it through together, all the things that Olivia could have never made it through without her. The more she thought about things, the more she realized how foolish she had been.
Alex was sitting on the sofa when she walked through the door.
"I'm sorry." Olivia said walking over to her and sitting down.
"Me too."
"I shouldn't have left like that, I know it worries you when I just leave."
Alex nodded.
"I'm sorry I called Cragen, I just needed to know you were safe."
"I know, and it's ok we actually had a really good talk."
"Oh yeah."
"Yeah."
"Care to fill me in?" Alex asked curious.
"Actually its kind of..."
"Private?" Alex knew from the look on Olivia's face she didn't want to talk about it just yet.
"Yeah. I hope that's ok."
"Of course it's ok."
Olivia leaned in to Alex's shoulder and picked up her hand and traced a finger over its top.
"You still want to move in with me?" Olivia asked after a moment.
"Of course I do." Alex said wrapping her arms around Olivia pulling her on top of her.
Olivia looked into the deep blue eyes of her partner and thought about what the Captain had said, which was more important having her way, or having Alex.
"You're more important." Olivia said without thinking.
"I am? Than what?" Alex asked confused.
"Any of my bull shit. I'm so sorry we have to keep going through it all."
"Eh, I knew you were kind of neurotic when I put the moves on ya." Alex said with a giggle pulling Olivia down to meet her in a kiss.
"You think you put the moves on me?" Olivia said with a laugh. "Oh no counselor, I hate to remind you but I put the moves on you."
"So…." Alex said a hopeful expression on her face.
"So?"
"Are we going to do it?" Alex asked.
Olivia flashed a wicked grin before answering.
"I sure hope so." She said leaning down to kiss Alex's neck.
"Not, that it. I mean, are we going to do it, are we really going to find a place together?"
"Oh…that it." Olivia pretended she was really confused and watched Alex turn an adorable shade of red.
"Yes. Let's do it. Let's find a place together and move in and live happily ever after." Olivia said dramatically, intentionally over playing her comment.
"Do you mean that?" Alex asked taking Olivia's face in her hands. Her eyes searched her partners face for the punch line and hoped that it wouldn't come; if it did it might break her heart irreparably.
Olivia could see it written all over Alex's face, she desperately hoped that she meant what she said, and as she lay there looking at Alex in that moment she was certain that she meant every word.
"Of course I do." Olivia said capturing Alex's mouth in a kiss.
"What about…" Alex started to say as she pulled away.
"Alex honey, we'll figure it out." Olivia said trailing kisses down her neck.
"I just don't want you to…"
"Alex, sweetie I won't, I'll be fine." Olivia pulled gently on the hem of Alex's t-shirt, Alex sat up just enough to allow for the garments removal and lay back onto the couch.
"Because I don't want to…"
"Alex, don't worry about it. Come on baby…" Olivia said running her hand behind her and releasing the clasp on her bra throwing it quickly to the side before taking Alex's breast in her warm hand and flicking at her nipple playfully with her tongue.
"Olivia…" Alex sighed.
Olivia grunted.
"Alex sweet heart, I'm doing some of my best work here…" She said growing frustrated with Alex's interruptions.
"Mmm that I'm aware, don't let me stop you." Alex said as Olivia's hand dipped under the waist band of her shorts.
Once they were both properly adorned in nothing but a few pieces of jewelry Alex set out to remind Olivia just how much she loved that couch.
"Sit up." Alex commanded.
Olivia groaned into Alex's mouth not wanting to relinquish her control.
"Olivia, sit up." Alex repeated.
Olivia reluctantly pulled her body from atop Alex and sat on the couch. Alex immediately sat directly on top of Olivia, straddling her lap causing immediate bolts of electricity to shoot through them as their cores aligned. Alex took one of Olivia's ear lobes in her mouth and nibbled gently at first before biting down harder and pulling with her teeth eliciting a reaction of both pleasure and pain. Olivia couldn't help but buck under Alex's weight, it all was too intense. Alex bared her weight down hard against Olivia as she began to slowly rock against her. Olivia's nails dug into Alex's ass as she joined in the rhythm. Olivia couldn't believe the feelings she was experiencing and just when she was sure she couldn't take any more Alex slipped from her position quickly down to her knees in front of Olivia. Before Olivia even realized she was gone she felt Alex's warm tongue tracing the inside of her thigh as two of her skilled fingers entered her without warning.
"Alex…" Olivia moaned taking a handful of blonde hair in her hand.
Alex continued to work her magic fingers inside Olivia as she trailed her tongue over to her waiting and wanting clit, flicking it playfully before sucking, nibbling and licking Olivia over the edge. Her thighs clenched and held Alex prisoner as she rode through the waves of unparalleled bliss.
Proud of her work and completely spent Alex crawled back up onto the couch with Olivia who wrapped her in her arms and pulled her closer with her still trembling legs.
"You're right." Olivia said, kissing the back of Alex's glistening neck.
"About?"
"This is a great couch, we can't get rid of it." Olivia said with a laugh.
"Amen."