Chapter 11 - Comparative Martyrology
Disclaimer: I don't own Community, but if I did Ben Chang would be teaching Salsa, not Spanish.
Week 16
(Monday, student lounge.)
Interesting, Abed thinks to himself. This usually happens in the editor's office. I wonder if the change of venue means anything? Trying to keep an old trope fresh by changing the setting, perhaps.
Jeff is sitting a couple of tables away from where Abed is standing at the vending machine buying raisinettes, ostensibly reading a coursebook but actually pretending not to notice Annie has walked up to him and is clutching a backpack under her chin. Abed has noticed a recurring pattern in the Jeff/Annie dynamic recently - Annie has a tendency to get overexcited about mundane things and this tends to irritate most people she talks to, however it merely seems to amuse Jeff so he has been getting an increasing share of such moments. Last time it was a puppy calendar she was absurdly excited about getting half-price because there are only 11 months left in the year ("they're soooo cute, Jeff!") - this week it appears to have something to do with the bag she's holding. Abed is developing a theory as to why this is, but he isn't ready to share it yet so he decides to hang around to gather more evidence.
"Huh-hum!" Annie coughs, fakely. Jeff pretends not to hear.
"HUH-HUM!" She fake-coughs more loudly.
"Oh, hi Edison." Jeff gives her a cheery smile.
"Do you notice anything new about me, Jeff?"
Jeff furrows his brow in concentration. "Are you wearing a new hairband?"
"No - well, yes I am," Annie does a bob and flashes a happy smile that he noticed. "But that's not what I'm talking about."
Jeff looks again. "Sorry, not seeing it."
"Aw, Jeff!" If anything, she's thrusting her bag even higher.
Jeff decides he's teased her for long enough, and besides he's pleased he scored a hit with the hairband thing - it really was just a lucky guess.
"Is it the bag, Edison?"
"Oh Jeff, it's perfect!" she sits herself down on the couch next to Jeff who adjusts his position slightly to make room for her. "I researched for weeks before finding it - It's got a pocket for my notebooks, another for my pens, I can put my first aid kit in this pocket here -"
Honestly, Jeff looks like he isn't paying much attention to the detail of what Annie is saying - he merely looks happy that his friend is so happy. Interesting, Abed thinks to himself. It usually takes him a special effort to even notice other people's emotions, never mind care about them. Another piece of the puzzle falls into place.
XXXXXX
It's the weekly editorial meeting in Jeff's office.
"I love it Kate - we'll put it on the front page and headline it, ahh 'STAR-GATE.'" Kate has finished her story investigating the chicken finger scandal and has enough evidence implicating Starburns that Jeff is ready to run with it.
"Is that referencing the 1994 film starring Kurt Russell or the 1997 TV series starring Richard Dean Anderson? Because I'm not sure what the connection is." Abed says.
Jeff is struck dumb for a moment. "Er, the 1972 political scandal Abed." When Abed still looks uncertain, he adds "'All the President's Men'?".
Abed nods. "Gotcha Jeff."
"Right, moving on…" Jeff says. "This story -" he holds up an article with the headline 'TENSE CONFRONTATION IN QUAD' which is basically a write-up of Jeff's encounter with Vaughn the previous Friday.
"Seriously guys, I let you have the twitter storm story - am I around here to edit the paper or generate content for it?"
"If you think that's bad, you should see what Annie's entry is in this week's instalment of the "Gangs of Greendale" series." Mutters Danny.
Jeff looks over at Annie, who is blushing with embarrassment.
"Let me have it, Ace."
"Are you sure you need to see it, Jeff?" She asks.
Jeff doesn't bother to answer, he just raises an eyebrow and holds out a hand to Annie. She passes over a print out. "Edison, what the -?" Jeff says as soon as he sees the headline 'THE GREENDALE SIX - the most notorious study group on campus.'
"I'm not sure you realise how infamous you guys are getting." Annie says, somehow managing to sound timid and defiant at the same time.
"What do you think, Radar?" Jeff asks, hoping for some backing from Abed.
"She's got a point, Hawkeye." He says instead. "We have enough wacky adventures to fill out a TV series."
"I know, Abed." Jeff mutters. "You're shooting it, remember?"
"Okay then," Jeff continues. "New editorial policy - a maximum of one Winger story a week in the paper." He pulls out a coin. "Heads - it's the quad fight. Tails - the gang feature." He tosses the coin, everybody watches as the coin lands on the desk.
"Tails it is. Congratulations Ace, it's your week - what the heck!" The Greendale Human Being has just walked in.
"It's got arrows now? That's safe." Jeff observes as it hands out a rose to Kate and a teddy bear to Danny.
"Who are they from, kids?"
"Valentine's gifts are supposed to be anonymous, Mr Winger." Danny says, but nobody can miss the way the two of them are staring at each other with soppy smiles on their faces. However Jeff also notices the way Annie is trying to be happy for them but failing. That's my fault. He thinks suddenly as he sees the stricken expression on Annie's face. Even a crappy boyfriend on Valentine's Day is better than no boyfriend at all sometimes.
"Okay - you, scram!" He says to the human being. "And the rest of you, meeting over. I've got to go - the least I can do is warn the rest of my study group they're going to be in the paper." Jeff gets up and heads out himself. He follows the human being down the corridor and, when he is sure he isn't being followed, stops it.
"Hey - I need to place an urgent order…"
XXXXXX
(Spanish class, Thursday)
"In Español, the gallo says 'kikiriki, kikiriki, kikiriki...'"
The human being knocks on the door.
"What? I'm teaching!" Chang screams at the mascot. Undeterred, it enters the room and hands out some presents - a bunch of roses to Annie, a box of chocolates to Pierce and a stuffed toy to Troy. Annie does a happy bounce accompanied by a little squee of surprise, but the guys look much less surprised.
"Aha! I knew you were holding back." Pierce gloats.
"Aw! It's from the girl I'm dating." Troy says. "Yeah, I met her in biology, she was looking for geology and misread the sign. 'Yeah,' I said, 'we don't study countries in here.' Yeah, she's, she's dumb, but sweet."
Pierce starts talking too. "Mine's from Danielle. She's a lovely lady in my marketing class. We're sleeping together."
"They sound like very lucky ladies." Shirley says, somewhat uncertainly.
Troy doesn't know when to shut up. "Yeah, they're not made up."
Chang has had enough of the show, he starts walking towards them holding his hands in front of him as though he's gripping an imaginary gadget. "Beep, beep. Oh, my god, what's going on? Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. My bullcrap meter's going crazy!" He's now standing between Troy and Pierce. "Beep, beep, beep, beep, beepbeepbeep- Oh-ho! It's these presents you've obviously sent to yourselves to make it look like you have girlfriends."
"That's ridiculous!" Pierce tries to deny it.
"This is obviously your handwriting, Mr. Tremor!" Chang snaps back. "And yours is signed, 'love, Troy'! I tell you, this is the most pathetic thing I've ever seen in this classroom." The rest of the class is now openly laughing at them - except for Shirley, who is staring at Chang with a face like thunder.
"Hey!" Shouts Pierce, who is red faced with humiliation. "You didn't aim your meter at Big Boobs's flowers!" Annie yelps with indignation and crosses her arms across her chest.
"Oh really?" Says Chang. "Let's try that, shall we."
"Beep Beep." He walks towards Annie. "Beep." The beeps get slower and quieter.
He's practically standing over her desk. "beeep…" Long pause. "Bip". Silence.
He looks at the label - " 'From an admirer' " He reads it out. "And in a distinctly mano masculina!" Annie's looking both embarrassed at all the attention and pleased Chang hasn't accused her of faking.
"LOO-OSERS!" Chang is back to pointing at Pierce and Troy. "Even Princess Gringa is doing better than you!" Annie humphs with disdain.
At the end of the class, Jeff tries to talk to Britta, but she refuses to look him in the eye and practically runs away. Jeff shrugs and saunters out of the classroom.
Joelle has come over to see Annie's flowers. She looks at the label, turns it over but can't see anything other than what Chang read out.
"Do you know who they're from, Annie?"
"I have a couple of ideas." Annie is looking at Jeff's retreating back, she's got a smile on her face.
XXXXXX
(Cafeteria, lunchtime - Jeff tried to talk to Britta in the lunch queue but she's still acting weird around him. When Britta heads over to sit with Shirley Jeff decides she needs more space so he goes to sit with Annie instead.)
"Hiya Edison, room for one more?" The table is empty apart from Annie.
"Of course there is, Jeff." Annie smiles at him.
Jeff looks around. "Where are your flowers?"
"In a storeroom in a bucket of water until going home time. They'll be safe there."
"That's my Annie, every base covered." Jeff has got his lazy smile back. Annie tries not to blush at the 'my Annie' line.
"Thanks for the flowers, Jeff. You didn't have to do that." Annie has a particularly warm smile on her face.
"I have no idea what you're talking about, Edison." Jeff is a very good liar, but even he can't quite keep a smug look off his face.
"Jeeee-eeefff - this is me…." Annie dials the doe eyes up to eleven. Ye gods, she can do it at will, now! Jeff thinks to himself.
"Edison, can I tell you a story? A strictly imaginary one?" Annie doesn't say anything, but she nods at him to continue.
"Let's say there's this strictly hypothetical guy. He's usually a really great guy, but he knows this equally hypothetical girl, who's almost as awesome as he is most of the time. Let's say this guy - hypothetically speaking - was worried that he hadn't treated the girl as well as she - hypothetically - deserves recently. Let's also say that hypothetically speaking he got the idea that the least he could do to show her how sorry he was was by making sure she didn't go without roses on Valentine's Day, what would you think the hypothetical girl's most likely reaction would be?"
Jeff still has the lazy smile on his face, but Annie knew him well enough by now that she could see his body language had tightened up sufficiently that, combined with the suddenly intense look in his eyes, it was clear he was very interested indeed in what Annie's answer would be.
Annie pauses for a moment to gather her thoughts - and, frankly, to make Jeff suffer a little - "I think, hypothetically speaking, she'd be a fool not to be very touched by the gesture." She smiles across the booth at him.
Almost imperceptibly, Jeff's body language relaxes.
Annie is starting to worry the conversation may be heading into dangerous waters, so she changes the subject.
"Have you managed to annoy your study group again, Jeff?" She nods at Shirley and Britta, who are staring at Chang gnaw at his food like a wild animal.
"What?" The change in direction has taken Jeff by surprise. "Oh, no. You remember how, most of last semester, I was trying to get together with Britta but she made a big deal of only wanting to be friends?"
"It was kind of difficult to miss, Jeff."
Jeff grins ruefully in acknowledgement. "Well last night, miss lets-just-be-friends drunk-dialled me and left a message on my answering service. A really intimate message."
"Oh!" Annie's blushing slightly now.
"Yeah. And now she's really embarrassed about it and can barely stand to talk to me. Abed thinks it's like one of those sitcoms where one character sees another naked and the only way to restore the balance is for the other one to see the first naked too."
"So, does that mean you have to let Britta see you naked?"
"Ha! Only if she asks nicely." Jeff is visibly amused by the idea, but swiftly goes serious.
"It's getting to be a problem though - she really isn't comfortable around me and won't listen when I tell her it's no big deal."
"Well you obviously need to humiliate yourself somehow so she has power over you again, or something."
"Easier said than done. Do you have any ideas?"
Annie's expression changes to one of incredulity. "Me? I can help you with Spanish prepositions or renaissance art, but making women like you is supposed to be your superpower Jeff. Try Abed - he diagnosed your problem, he might be able to come up with a solution."
Jeff nods ironically at Annie. "You're too good at false modesty, Edison - that's still a better idea than anything I've come up with. Well, no time like the present," Jeff slips out of his seat and does a small but elaborate bow. "See you around, milady." And heads off.
XXXXXX
(That night)
Annie is roused from her slumber by the ring tone on her phone. She picks it up, looks blearily at the screen and sees two things "4:02AM" and "Jeff Winger". This had better be good, Jeff. She thinks to herself.
"Jeff, what's the emergency?"
"Eddy - Ed - Annie, whachya doin' answerin' Britta's phone?"
"I'm not, Jeff - you must have dialled a wrong number."
The phone goes silent for a moment, then she hears his voice from a distance, as though he's holding his phone in front of him to see the screen.
"Ohno norra 'gain." He says for some reason that makes no sense to Annie.
"Jeff, are you drunk?"
"err….. No?"
"Jeeeeff…"
"Kinda, a bit. Ab- Abed's idea."
As if on cue, a distant voice pipes up. "Did you gerrit right thiztime Jeff?"
"Shh!" Jeff giggles drunkenly. "He thinks you're Britta, Annie - oops!" He says as Abed boos in the background.
Although she knows she should be annoyed, Annie can't help a small smile. It goes away when Jeff speaks again though.
"You know I bought the flowers, ri'?" They're in a vase on her dressing table.
"Of course I do Jeff, didn't we go through this?"
"Thought I was being sma- smart." He pauses for a moment. "Didn't just buy 'em to say sorry. Bought 'em bec- because -" He seems to run out of words. Annie feels a chill run up her spine.
"Jeff," Annie says very carefully, "you have a girlfriend."
"Know that. Michelle's great, makes me feel happy. Not easy to do that."
Annie has no idea what to say.
"But your my Annie" - that phrase again - "feels like shu - should be importan' that I -" His voice sounds miserable, now.
"Feel like should say -" Jeff is suddenly cut off and replaced by a new voice.
"HIYA Annie! Nice to hearya!" Drunk Abed sounds crazy. "Jeff needs call Britta now - say g'bye Jeff!"
"G'bye Jeff!" Jeff says, followed by drunken laughter.
"Goodbye guys," Annie says, but the phone had already gone dead. What was he about to say?
XXXXXX
(Spanish class, next day)
"Turn to page - whoa. Looks like the law firm of Seacrest and Slumdog's taking the day off." Chang has just noticed Jeff and Abed are not in class. After the drunk dialling, Annie isn't surprised in the slightest. Before he can continue, the human being walks in with a delivery.
"Ooh!" Says Chang. "Another special delivery from Troy and Pierce's Imaginary lovers?"
The human being waves a letter at him. "Wait a minute - oh! That one's for me."
"It's from professor Slater! She's fed up of having a boyfriend who spends more on beauty products than she does and she wants a real man to accompany her to the Valentine's Dance!"
"Ooh!" Shirley pipes up excitedly. "Maybe that's why Jeff isn't here!"
Chang turns on her.
"You did this? You really thought I'd fall for this, huh? Is this your pathetic attempt to punish me for humiliating your friends?"
"But -" Shirley tries to speak, Chang won't let her.
"Save it! As punishment, you will escort me to the Valentine's Dance wearing an elegant full-length ballgown!"
"Yeah, right!" Shirley sneers.
"You'll do it - or you'll fail my class."
"You can't do that!"
"Have you met me? I mean it. Tonight, you are my bitch!"
Shirley has had enough. She stands up, and walks towards Chang and thrusts her face into his until they're only inches apart.
"Have you met me, mister? Accidents happen to crazy little men who call me a bitch - accidents like having the backs of their heads grabbed and their faces pushed through the nearest jukebox!"
"Wooo-ooo!" Chang has an almost ecstatic expression on his face.
"Now here's the deal el tee-gray" Shirley continues. "you get one dance tonight, and everybody walks away happy, passing their courses and without faces being shoved into Jukeboxes. Deal?"
"One dance, and I pick the outfit!" Chang says.
"Two dances and I pick the outfit." Shirley replies. "Deal?"
"Deal!" Chang replies.
XXXXXX
(Abed's dorm room, 3PM, Jeff and Abed are finally coming round.)
"Abed, Abed!" Jeff cries out. He pulls a surgical mask off his face and tries to attract Abed's attention. Abed is so hungover he can't even remember The Breakfast Club. "Did I call Britta? Where's my phone?"
Abed picks it up. "Got it. You made three outgoing to Britta, one to your girlfriend, and one to Annie."
"I don't remember any of them!" Jeff said. And why the heck would I be drunk dialling Annie? He thought as a chill ran down his back.
"Neither do I." Said Abed. "And I don't remember the name of the girl In The Breakfast Club. Mary.
Margaret. Molly Ringworm. You broke me." He finishes sadly.
XXXXXX
Jeff and Abed barely make it to the last study group session of the day, though Jeff is at least relieved to see that Britta appears to be back to normal, and he thinks he does a good job of covering for the fact he doesn't remember anything about the call. He's in no shape to do any actual studying though before he finishes up and heads back to his apartment for a - very - hot shower and to change into a suit for the evening's dance.
Annie's wearing her red dress again and is dancing happily with the other volunteers who helped put the hall together when she sees him arrive with a big bunch of flowers. He tries to talk to Slater, but at first she refuses to stop dancing and then she walks out of the room. Annie apologises to the others and walks over to Jeff.
"Hi Jeff."
"Oh, hi Edison." He has the barest ghost of a smile on his face.
"Is everything okay?"
Jeff sighs. "Michelle found out about all the drunk dialling stuff and is upset that I'm trying to make things right with Britta." He hesitates for a moment.
"Speaking of which, according to my phone I called you last night." Annie doesn't say anything.
"Look, erm - " Jeff continues. "I didn't say anything stupid or hurtful or anything did I?"
Annie smiles. "No Jeff, it's okay - you just apologised for getting a wrong number and then Abed made you hang up, that's all."
Jeff's shoulders slump slightly with relief. "Thanks, Edison. Look, don't take this the wrong way, but I'm already in the doghouse, and If Slater catches me talking to you, especially looking like that -" Jeff does a brief, full length scan of Annie with a rueful smile on his face "- I'll never get out of it."
Annie smiles back at him. "I understand, Jeff." She leans forward and gives him a quick hug. "I hope it all works out."
Thanks, Edison." Annie turns and walks back to the dancing.
It's therefore with more than a few mixed feelings she sees Jeff's blonde friend arrive a few minutes later - also in a red dress, but one much shorter and tighter than Annie's. She looks amazing, Annie thinks to herself as the blonde makes a beeline for Jeff. They talk for a few minutes, then Slater returns, still looking elegant and professional. Annie watches the three of them face off, then the blonde hugs Jeff and he leaves with Slater.
That's the sort of league he's used to playing in. Annie says to herself sadly. Real women - I was dreaming to think he might be interested in what a girl like me could offer. She wills herself to smile at her friends and get back into the group dance as the blonde sashays over to an awestruck Troy and pulls him into a dance.