Author's Notes: Once again, you can blame my writer's block for this taking so darn long! ...However you can't blame it solely on that... With all the feedback I've gotten from you guys, I had to make sure I wrote this part just right. A few of you have said "I totally know what this is like..." so I took my time writing this, knowing that people identify with this, so I didn't want to rush this part. I hope I don't disappoint those who have said "I totally know how he feels..." ...

Anyway, sit back, relax, and enjoy this super long chapter^_^

Chapter Eleven - Choices

Yusei stared down at the shining steal knife on the floor. His hand shook almost uncontrollably as he picked it up and flicked the blade out. He stared down at his left forearm, already riddled with scars. Gripping the handle of the blade tightly in his right hand, he squeezed his eyes closed. If he was going to resort back to this, he wasn't about to watch himself do it. His breathing quickened as thoughts and memories assaulted him, urging him on once more.

This isn't what he wanted! Why couldn't he figure out another way to get rid of this pain? to get get rid of this worthless feeling? His shaking hand was slowly moving the blade closer to its target. 'It's hopeless!' he thought bitterly. 'I'm hopeless! I've told myself I'm done with this, but somehow I keep going back! Just one more thing I've failed at... Just one more reason to cut...' He could feel the cold steal make contact with his skin. 'Can't do anything right...' The sharp edge bit into his arm as memories of when he was younger played through his head. 'Impossible... Worthless... Failure...' The blade dug deeper, blood slowly rising to the surface. 'Good-for-nothing... Inadequate... Hopeless...' As the blade continued to sink deeper, blood began to roll in drops down his arm, leaving a crimson path.

But it wasn't helping. Usually the pain pounding through his head would dull, but those thoughts and memories were still running strong through his mind. 'Never be able to do anything right...' Maybe if he pushed a little further, cut a little deeper... 'Stupid... Careless...Worthless...' Something wasn't right; why wasn't it helping?

'No one is worthless,' a gentle voice whispered in his head; strangely enough the whisper was more overwhelming than the screams echoing in his mind. 'Least of all you, Yusei.'

"Martha," he whispered allowed. He remember that first conversation vividly; when he was ten, Martha had overheard him calling himself worthless. After that day, she had never missed a chance to let Yusei know just how much he was worth.

A single, unbidden tear found its way out of the corner of his eye, his hand starting to shake even more violently as the conversation played through his head. Why was he doing this? Why was he still listening to everything his first guardian had told him? Why was he letting the past rule the present?

With everything he had left, he forced himself to pull the knife away from his arm and hurl it across the room. But what could he do now? This battle wasn't over yet; his thoughts were still raging and the pain still remained. 'I guess,' he somehow managed to to conclude, 'there's only one option left...'

"Kalin."

The leader of the Enforcers looked up from the book he was reading at the sound of his name. Standing in the doorway was his raven-haired friend, looking completely disheveled. He closed his book as he stood from the kitchen chair. "Yusei, you okay?"

The troubled teen closed his eyes as he leaned his head against the door frame. He swallowed hard. "No. I cut again." He felt a hand on his shoulder; opening his stormy eyes, he was met with his friends reassuring golden eyes.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" Kalin gently prompted.

Yusei nodded his head once. "But I'm not sure I can..."

Kalin lightly squeezed his friend's shoulder, a slight smile appearing. "That's okay; just saying you want to is a start. Come sit down, let me take care of your arm, and we'll go from there, okay?"

"I don't even know where to start," Yusei murmured, gazing down at his hands clasped on the table in front of him. "I know I can't keep doing this, Kalin; I know, but..." He sighed in frustration. "How did I get myself into this mess in the first place?"

Kalin shrugged. "If you don't know, who does?"

The raven-haired teen couldn't help but smirk at the rather cliche question. "I really don't know." The room fell silent, his smile fading. He rubbed the back of his neck with one hand, trying to figure out what to say, but for some reason the words just wouldn't come.

Kalin was the one to break the silence. "Well, how 'bout we start with what you're feeling when you cut," he suggested. "What are you feeling before you do it?"

Yusei hesitated. How could he explain this to Kalin? He wasn't even sure if he himself completely understood! "Like..." He tried to start but trailed off, sighing, frustration evident on his face.

"Take your time," Kalin spoke gently. "I sent Jack and Crow clear across the Satellite; they won't be back 'til tomorrow."

"Okay," he whispered, running a hand through his spiky hair. A minute ticked by as Yusei tried unsuccessfully to gather his thoughts. He stood up suddenly, slamming his fist into the table and sending his chair clattering to the floor behind him. "I can't do this, Kalin!" he spat in frustration. Shaking slightly, he turned abruptly and went to the busted-out window across the room and leaned against its frame. Eyes closed, he let out a shuttering sigh.

He heard Kalin rise, his chair scraping harshly against the cement floor. Yusei opened his eyes and glanced over in time to see a perfectly un-phased Kalin righting the chair Yusei himself had knocked over a moment before. Closing his eyes again, he continued to try to calm himself down after that childish outburst. Upon feeling a hand on his shoulder, he opened his eyes once again and turned his head towards Kalin.

"It's so frustrating!" Yusei whispered, averting his eyes back out the window.

Kalin watched his friend intently, waiting for him to continue. Yusei swallowed hard, closing his eyes again and leaning his head against the window frame. Realizing his friend more than likely wouldn't continue without prompting, he spoke: "What's frustrating, Yusei?"

Yusei swallowed hard again. Opening his eyes half-way, he elaborated. "Knowing how you feel and not being able to put it into words for someone else to understand."

Kalin sighed, squeezing his friend's shoulder gently; this wasn't gonna be easy in the slightest - especially if Yusei kept getting more and more frustrated with himself. He thought for a moment; what could he do to make if easier for Yusei to express himself? 'Yeah... I got nothin'...' Kalin thought with a sigh. "I know this isn't easy," he spoke gently, "but I don't know what else to do."

"Yeah," Yusei sighed still sounding slightly frustrated. "I don't either."

Yusei couldn't sleep that night. He was exhausted, but sleep continued to evade him. Sighing, he rolled onto his stomach. Why did this have to be so difficult? Why couldn't he just say everything that was on his mind?

He sighed again, glancing at the digital clock on the floor beside him: It was just after midnight. 'I really just need some sleep,' he thought. Seeking distraction, he picked up the iPod he'd fixed up off the floor from next to his bed. Turning back onto his back, he inserted the ear-buds and put his music on shuffle. After listening to the first song for a moment, he had an idea. Rolling out of bed, he exited his room and headed for Kalin's.

"Hey, Kalin?" he asked quietly. "I know it's late, but can we talk?"

Kalin sat up, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. "Sure," he yawned. "What's up?"

"Here," the raven-haired teen spoke, holding out his ear-buds. "I want you to listen to something."

Kalin looked a little puzzled, unsure of what his friend was getting at, but took the ear-buds. Yusei hit play on the song he had listened to only moments before. He watched nervously as his blue-haired friend bobbed his head silently to the rhythm of the music. When the song was over, Kalin removed the ear-buds and gazed over at his friend who had sat down on the hard-wood floor, his knees pulled up towards him.

"This is how you feel?" Kalin asked quietly, calmly.

Yusei refused to meet the other teen's gaze but nodded in response. "Yeah... Kinda, anyway..."

Kalin sighed, scratching the back of his head, unsure of how to respond. He was glad, though; his friend had found a way to communicate without having to say a single word. Now the older of the two just had to find a way to help.

"You... don't think... I'm just..." Yusei trailed off.

"I don't think what?"

"That... Ya know..." He shrugged. "You don't think that I'm... over-reacting?"

Kalin stared in surprise at the younger boy for a moment. Is that why he'd been so afraid to say anything? He shook his head. "No; I definitely don't think that. For one thing, I have no idea what happened to make you feel the way you do; for another, I know you. If you react to something, it's for good reason. Put two and two together, and I know that something horrible must have happened to drive you to edge like this. If you're in so much pain as to drive you to start cutting, then I would never call that over-reacting. No matter what the reason."

Yusei slowly nodded once in understanding. Kalin had told him once that he probably wouldn't understand, but to Yusei, it seemed like maybe the older boy did understand... to a point, anyway. At least, Yusei now knew, that his brother-figure wasn't judging his actions on face-value, as he'd feared might happen.

"Why would I think you were over-reacting?" Kalin asked, breaking into the younger boy's thoughts. It was honest question, but one that Kalin secretly hoped would get his friend to start talking.

Yusei shrugged. "I guess... I just thought you'd think it was... overly extreme, is all..."

Kalin sighed. "It is extreme, Yusei, but it's still a way of coping. Is it the best way to go? No. Does it work? Exceptionally well. For some people, there's just no other way that works. I've seen if before, and I see that in you, too. That's why I don't condemn it.

"I've also seen the mental pain it takes to want to feel something physically. For some, all it takes is a simple scratch; for others, the pain runs so much deeper so the cuts run deeper, too." Silence filled the room, making Kalin wonder if he should say something to try to get Yusei talking again. But he didn't need to. What he had already said was enough of a prompt for the younger teen.

"It wasn't always this bad, Kalin," Yusei sighed, still not wanting to make eye-contact. The blue-haired man didn't respond, waiting for his friend to continue on his own this time. After a moment, Yusei did. "It didn't even bleed the first time I cut, but the sting was enough to make me feel better. But as time went on, that sting became no longer enough. I started to have to press harder to get the same rush. Once I started bleeding, I knew there was no going back... I was in too far over my head to get out by myself and too afraid to ask for help, wondering what people would think if I told them. I guess I was afraid they'd react the same way Crow did: He meant well, but he was trying to help in a way that wasn't doing any good. I didn't need him to tell me to stop; I already wanted to - but didn't want to at the same time. Cutting was the only escape I had. After doing it for nearly a year and a half, I didn't really want to keep going, but I couldn't stand to lose my only release, either."

Kalin gave him a slightly startled look. "You've been cutting for a year and a half?"

"Yeah," Yusei spoke with a slight smile brought on from his friend's surprise. His smile quickly faded, however, as he continued. "I used to be pretty good at hiding it. You actually caught me a couple times, Kalin, but since it was just a scratch, I played the innocent and told you I didn't even realize it was there. And you believed me since, living in the Satellite, it's pretty easy to get scratched up. When I started cutting deeper, I got more careful about where I cut since I didn't want anyone to know. The day before Crow caught me, I got careless. Actually, to be honest, it wasn't just carelessness; I just didn't really care at all that day. I just wanted to feel something - anything - other than what was going through my head. At the moment I dug the blade in, I didn't care if anyone found out; but as always, after the fact I was scared to death of someone noticing.

"As for the day after, I was horrified that my secret was out. Knowing that Crow hadn't believed me - not that I'd really expected him to - coupled with the fact that he'd told you just added on the top of everything else. I felt completely overwhelmed and didn't know what else to do. And when you and Crow were still gone when Jack and I returned, I took it as the perfect opportunity since Jack obviously didn't know what was going on.

"Do you know what that's like, Kalin? To just want to feel anything at all? To be so desperate for relief that you would want to watch yourself bleed? To want to bleed just so you know you really are alive?"

Kalin shook his head and sighed. "I don't, no."

"Be glad for that," Yusei continued. "I wish I didn't know either." Silence hung thick in the air for a few moments; Kalin, wondering whether or not Yusei would say anything further. Just as the older of the two was thinking about posing a question, Yusei continued again on his own. "I did try to stop once before," he admitted to Kalin's surprise. "But obviously it didn't work. The longer I tried to avoid it, the more my emotions built up and the worse the urge to cut became until I couldn't take it anymore. That time wasn't the first I had bled, but it was the first time it bled hard enough to overflow the cut. And I couldn't believe how good is felt after almost a month of restraining myself." He paused again, starting to shake, as the silence engulfed them both once again.

After several minutes of silence, Kalin knew that his friend wasn't going to continue. He lowered himself to the floor to sit next to Yusei. As he placed a hand on the younger teen's shoulder, Yusei turned his head and met Kalin's gaze for the first time that night. "People I know who have stopped," he started gently, "say that the first few months are the most difficult - even if you have someone behind you 110 percent, holding you accountable. But if you make it through the fight of the first few months, if only gets easier to resist with time. But that just proves that you can beat this, Yusei; it's not an impossible feat. And I'll be right beside you every step of the way.

"But in order for me to be able to be there for you, you're gonna have to help me understand what you're going through. It's impossible for me to help you if I don't know what's going on."

Yusei nodded once. "I know. But it's not going to be easy." He turned his head away again with a sigh as he rested his chin on his knees, his arms wrapped around his legs.

Kalin gave slight smile, squeezing his friends shoulder gently. "No one ever said it would be."

"After all," he added, "out of the greatest of suffering emerges the strongest of souls."

"Are you in over your head?
Are you in water so deep you're drowning?
Do you think you've been left
And there is no one to feel your hurting?
Well, everybody has been there
And everybody's felt lost
If you're in over your head
Lift it up, lift it up

"Oh, listen to the sound of hope that's rising
Up over your horizon
Listen to the sound, listen to the sound
And listen to the sound of a new beginning
Oh, this is where the old is ending
Listen to the sound, listen to the sound"
~Building 429: Listen to the Sound

Author's Notes: So? How'd I do this time? Still as good as the last few chapters? ...I sure hope so...

In case anyone wondered, Yusei's thoughts at the beginning that are in italics are all things his first guardian told him when he was young (except what Martha said of course!). Yes, her words stuck with him for a very long time and that was the source of his pain for the most part. When you're that young, you believe everything you're told. And you never forget.

I'll admit: I really enjoyed writing this part. For those who have stuck with this story this long, let me tell you why, though I'm sure a few of may have already guessed. I completely poured myself into writing this entire thing - though especially this part - for the simple reason that I, too, identify with Yusei. I didn't know how people would react, but I guess I really just wanted to finally write something like this because I never really told anyone anything in detail. Granted my situation wasn't the same as Yusei's - I didn't have abusive parents - but I did go through the same pain he felt. I wrote this with myself in mind. His thoughts were my thoughts at one point. His emotions, too, were mine at one point. Even the reactions of his friends were based on how my real-life friends reacted when they found out I cut myself.

So in case anyone wondered, that's why I can so accurately detail this story. So for those who have stuck with me this far, thank you for letting me tell my story through Yusei.

Feel free to PM me with any questions. I've already decided I'm not gonna hold anything back about this anymore.

As always, reviews are lovely^_^ And a huge thanks to the people who have already reviewed and those who will continue to do so^_^