A/N: Talk about a couple of long chapters. CaptainSwan feels along with Pan/Evie in this chapter.

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Feeling Loved

xxx

Three Years Ago

Killian Jones was an honest sailor. Every man aboard the Jewel of the realm knew it. But not only that, he was an excellent fighter, a humble man, charismatic, and believed, beyond all else, in good form.

Which is why, ten months after joining the King's navy, they were sailing back into Port where his Captain would bequest that Jones be promoted for his service in protecting the kingdom. They were to dine with the King and Queen that night and Killian felt a gulp of apprehension when he realised that he might be seeing…well…Evie, again.

But, dressed in his uniform, he was to enter the palace with his Captain, preparing to formally be introduced to the King and Queen, not that they hadn't met him before…

Of course, the minute he stepped into the room he accidentally ran into a young woman wearing riding pants and a white shirt. Recognising immediately who she was with her flowing blond locks, Killian bowed.

"Princess," he said reverently.

"Welcome…shit!" Emma's mouth dropped open halfway through her curtsey when she finally realised who she was facing. "Jones!"

"Milady," he answered with a grin, a wink following it. Well, this was Emma. Good form didn't seem to hold much with her anyway.

"Look at you, all sailor of the year," she teased. "Should I be calling you Lieutenant or…"

"You can call me anything you want Princess," he smirked before receiving an elbow in the side from his Captain who was looking at him incredulously. How dare he act so familiar with a princess!

"Captain Liam Johnson, Your Highness," the Captain said, sweeping into a bow.

"As I was saying before your sailor interrupted me," Emma said with a wide smile, turning to the Captain, "Welcome! Please, I'll show you to the seating room where my parents will be along shortly. They're currently in a meeting with some foreign dignitaries, but they should be done any moment. I shall said Martha in with some refreshments."

When they reached the door, Liam thanked the Princess and entered, taking his place in one of the many comfortable seats, but Killian held her in the doorway.

"Princess, may I ask where Princess Evelyn is?"

"I've never heard you call her Evelyn in my life," Emma said starkly. "Did they turn you into a robot on that ship?"

"They simply taught me mannerisms befitting of my station."

"It's not like you ever cared before," Emma murmured under her breath. Before looking back up at him apologetically. "She's currently visiting her fiancé's country."

"Fiancé…"Killian repeated, with a sigh of regret. That had been their doing.

"She seems happier," Emma said, looking at Killian earnestly. "She doesn't speak to me as much anymore, but she smiles easier."

"Perhaps we did okay then," Killian said to Emma.

"Yeah," Emma nodded, not quite sure why she didn't entirely believe it, before walking away to get the maid.

xxx

Visiting Francis corresponded to spending a few weeks in Neverland. As soon as Evie found out Francis was Felix and had only been pretending, she was relieved, and happy to keep playing the act. And as such, Felix kept filling her head with ideas that turned her from her family and kept driving her towards Pan.

Again and again and…

"That's it, Evie," Pan groaned, his hands threading through her hair as she took him into her mouth. Her tongue danced around his cock as she widened, welcoming more of his length with each shallow thrust. But grabbing a hold of his ass, she pushed him in further, and Pan didn't hesitate to thrust his entire length into her mouth, relentlessly fucking her face as she took him in over and over again.

"I'm coming, Evie," he warned her, knowing that she didn't mind anyway, and she kept sucking until his seed poured down her throat and she swallowed it all, letting him pop of out of her mouth as Pan caught his breath. She tucked him back into his pants, retying the strings before he fell backwards

"Fuck, you do that amazingly now," Pan groaned, laying back on his bed.

"You saying it wasn't good the first time?" Evie cocked her eyebrow as she climbed into the bed with him, settling into his open arms.

"I'm just saying that it's phenomenal now," he answered with a wide grin. "You should 'go and visit Francis' more often."

"Oh, because you like having me here to get you off?" Evie said in astonishment.

"No," Pan said evenly, looking directly into her insecure brown eyes, "Because I like having you here."

Evie didn't answer but Pan continued as his hand trailed down the side of her dress, "Besides, I'm not the only one getting off on being here."

"Pan…"

But Evie couldn't protest because within second's he'd pulled her underpants down beneath her dress and had his fingers in their place, plunging through her wetness and stirring pleasurable patterns over and around her clit.

Evie brought her lips up to his as he shuffled on top of her, pulling and tugging at them until they were red and swollen and she was so blissfully lost in sensations that she came apart, shaking and whispering his name breathlessly.

"Well that's a first," Pan muttered, eyes sparkling.

"What?" Evie breathed as he continued to touch her gently even though she was hyper aware of every single feeling.

"You said my name when you came," he answered with a smug smile.

"One day I'll make you say mine," she promised, but he merely laughed.

"In the meantime, let's see how loud I can make you say it," he replied, smirking, "When I taste you."

And when his head disappeared beneath her skirt, Evie couldn't help but throw her head back in ecstasy. Realising as she did, that this boy was making her feel things beyond the physical. He was making her feel wanted, he was making her feel cherished…

He was making her feel loved.

xxx

The paperwork was done. Killian was promoted. The ship was setting sail that night.

And there he was, in the stables.

"Why would she leave you behind then, Starry," he was murmuring to Evie's horse. "She loves you, doesn't she? Should I send her correspondence then? Tell her I'm sorry?"

"She doesn't need to hear it."

Emma's voice came out of the darkness. Spinning around, Killian was struck by how much Emma had grown in the past year. Her hair had grown out, her eyes an impossibly bright shade of green. She was taller, and her body had begun to fill out those dresses…

Fuck, Killian. She's the Princess.

"And why would that be, Princess?"

"She knows you're sorry. It took her a while, but eventually she understood. She's always been a Princess, she was never your status… and…"

Emma couldn't help but gaze up at Killian in that moment, his eyes piercing her with the barest hint of lust. How long had he been at sea to be looking at her in that way?

Emma hesitated for a moment before throwing caution to the wind, and taking the moment in her hands; quite literally.

She threaded one hand behind his head, and reaching up on her toes, she kissed him: fiercely.

Killian was far from the Princess's first kiss. There had been princes, knights, stable boys.

But he was the first who held himself back.

"Jones," she growled against his lips. "Kiss me."

"It wouldn't be good form," he gasped, trying to hold his arms still, refraining from wrapping them around her.

"It wouldn't be good form to deny a Princess her wish," Emma countered, brushing her soft lips against his, "Kiss me, Lieutenant."

And at the use of his title, his restraint snapped and he kissed her back with all the passion she was giving him. With one hand at her waist and the other threading through her hair, he found himself pinning her to the wood of the stall, their bodies flush together as their lips attacked each other. Emma swept her tongue between his lips, battling him for the upper hand and due to his surprise, she won. With a grin she brought her hands down to the front of his shirt, bunching the material in her hands as she bit down on his lower lip.

He growled, pulling away and looking at her in wonder, but she merely smirked. In retaliation, Killian's lips dotted kisses down her neck, daring to venture further to where her dress was pushing her breasts upwards. He kissed the swell of them feeling Emma's breath hitch above him.

"Mark me," she whispered. Killian paused for a second, swearing that he'd heard her wrong. But when he looked up at her she repeated, "I want you to mark me. Make me yours."

"Princess," he breathed, longing in his voice. God, how he wanted to do that. But if anyone should see it…

She spun around in his arms so that her back was facing him, and pulled aside her hair, baring her ivory neck to his desire-filled gaze. Ad he didn't need any more permission than that. Latching his lips onto her skin, he felt her moan as he sucked and nipped and kissed her across any skin he could see that could easily be covered by her hair. His hands dug harshly into her waist as she ground herself onto him, most likely unintentionally, because he was growing harder with each second their bodies were so close to each other.

"Lieutenant!"

The two of them sprang apart as the sound of Captain Johnson's voice echoed from the palace grounds. Emma tried to brush her hair down and made sure all her clothing was in order. Killian's hair however, was a lost cause. As were his bruised lips.

"Next time you make Port, send me a message," Emma said breathlessly, giving him a mischievous smile. She gave him one last peck on the lips before running off back to the castle. Leaving a dishevelled Killian to run his hands through his hair and groan.

He was in for it now.

xxx

Killian didn't question it when Evie didn't surface from her room the next morning. When he went to help the girls with breakfast, he balanced Ash on one arm and did as much as he could with his only useful hand. The girls were all busy discussing the next day, Saturday, and their outing. And that was when Killian decided to go and check on Evie.

Her eyes were lined with shadows and she was far from looking healthy.

"Did you sleep at all last night?" Killian enquired. Ash was wriggling annoyingly in his arms, trying to reach out for Evie, but Evie was simply sitting on her bed, staring out the window vacantly as she tried to rid herself of every word Pan had left her with last night.

"Ash wants you."

"She needs a nap at 12," Evie murmured distractedly. "You need to feed her before then."

"She's already had breakfast," Killian said, as his brow creased in worry. He took a few more steps into the room. "Evie, what's wrong? The girls want to see you."

"Tell them I'm sick," Evie answered monotonously.

"That excuse won't hold forever, Evie."

"Won't it?" she asked harshly, spinning round to face him. Her eyes were cold, her body language hardened. "Maybe I am. Maybe I am sick."

"Evie what are you –"

"I was worried about Pan for a reason, Killian," she said spitefully. "He's back."

Those words settled in and Killian opened his mouth in shock. "What do you mean he's…was this him? Did he hurt you?! Did he…"

He didn't want to say the words aloud, afraid to make them true. But Evie merely shook her head negatively in disgust. She'd wanted it. She'd wanted him. She was sick.

Ash chose that moment to cry out for attention and Killian tried to comfort her even though she obviously wanted Evie. But Evie didn't even seem to notice Ash's crying and left it to Killian to keep her calm. She holed up in her room for the rest of the day. And she didn't come out.

xxx

"So, your girls are quite accommodating."

Evie's eyes found Pan's as he leant in her doorway.

"Gave them your name and they let me right on in," Pan continued.

"If you hurt them Pan, I'll…"

"You'll what? Sit here and mope?" He came into her room then, and sat down on the bed across from her. He reached out his hand and traced it down her face. Evie didn't even move. If she had, she wouldn't have flinched, she would've bent into his touch.

"Evie," he murmured. "Why are you fighting me?"

"I'm not. You're making this a war," she murmured, "With your plans to fight Snow and David; your lost boys gradually filling up the inn. Don't think I didn't notice. There's a reason why we're right here. We're ready to fight you because you started this all when you found those fucking stars."

"Oh no, Evie," he answered, leaning over, his breath warm upon her face, "I think you'll find that you started this when you asked me to kiss you on your fourteenth birthday."

"I was an idiot."

"That you were," he said, nuzzling her nose, "But you were my idiot."

Evie didn't know what to say to that. It was true.

"And now you're here, trying to play mother to these lost girls. You're becoming like me, Evie."

And that made her push him away. Not in horror at what he'd said, but that it had been true. She was – she was becoming like him…

"No," she said adamantly. "I love my girls. I am nothing like you."

"Oh, so that's where your love has gone." And Peter was smiling devilishly. It was then that Evie realised what a horrific mistake she had made. No. Oh God no.

"No, Pan, I swear, I'll do anything just…please don't….don't hurt them!" She reached out for his arm, begging desperately. She'd never begged like this in her life! Well, perhaps on her wedding day when she'd been forced down that aisle, but this was for something far greater than herself. This was for her lost girls.

"Love me again, Evie," he said, pulling her in by the arm that was on his. He wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her into his lap. "I want you to love me again."

"Anything," she said wide eyed. At least this time she knew what she was getting into. He left her with a time then, and Evie spent all day awaiting the moment, equal amounts of dread and anticipation swirling within her.

It was impossible to forget his touch.

It was impossible to forget how he'd left her.

Everyone was asleep when she snuck out that night, treading lightly across the cobblestoned road until she opened the front door of the inn. Treading with tentative steps, she made her way past the occupied rooms to the furthest corner where Pan's room lay.

Evelyn knew that at all times, this room was left unoccupied. She'd even ushered Hook in here sometimes when their stronghold was too full. The lost ones left the innkeeper's room for Pan. Only, Pan had never visited the Enchanted Forest to stay.

Until now.

"Welcome, my love," he whispered when she pushed the door open. "I knew you'd come."

The dark room was lit by a sudden click of his fingers; a fire sparking in the dead fire place. She saw the spark reflected in his shining eyes before he removed himself from his bed and began to close in on her, trapping her against the wooden wall, closing the door behind her and twisting the lock.

"Did you really think you could go on like this forever?" Pan murmured, his lips mere inches away from her. "Pretending that you're helping them...Just because…you're lonely"

"You think like that because it's what you do, Pan," Evelyn breathed back, trying to avoid looking at the closeness of his lips. "I for one, actually care about my girls."

"Oh I know that," he continued, his breath tracing over her skin as he touched his lips to her jaw, then her neck, then the shell of her ear – shivers running throughout her body. "But you're sure you don't want someone to hold you in the night, when it's cold and you're alone, and you're shivering and tired and sick of trying to play mother."

"No," she whispered, fearfully. Yes. Yes she did. "I don't want that."

"You don't want someone to love you?" he whispered, his eyes searching out hers.

"Do you even know how to love?"

A gaze that looked almost like hurt crossed his face. But then it was gone, because the next minute, he had her spun around until she felt herself pressed against the door, his chest leaning in on her as he kissed along her shoulder. But he didn't bother to undress her, merely pulling up her long skirts until they were hoisted around her waist. She heard the sound of him pulling down his pants and felt his hard length brush against her teasingly.

But the next second she felt the invasion of his fingers, sweeping along her wetness and hissing. "Does it really turn you on this much Evie? Just imagining the way that I used to fuck you."

"Shut up," she groaned, even though his words send a flood of heat down to her core. She just wanted him in her, to feel the pleasure, maybe then she could ignore the constant ache that his presence left her with.

"Oh, so you do want me?" She could feel his smirk, and in turn, rubbed her hips back against his length, hearing him hiss. Apparently just as annoyed as she was, he grasped her hips tightly through the numerous layers and finally slid himself entirely inside her.

Evie would never admit that the reason she didn't sleep with anybody else was because nobody gave her the satisfaction that Pan did. But she was constantly reminded with each thrust. She wasn't even fazed by the fact that they were leaning up against the door, pushing it with each harsh movement that Pan pressed into her.

She was moaning and he was grunting but other than the sound of skin slapping and the fire crackling, the room was silent. No words wore uttered and no names were called out because the moment Pan felt himself getting close, he pressed his finger to Evelyn's clit, swirling a few times before he felt her clenching around him, her forehead leaning against the wooden door as she panted out her release. Relentlessly, he pounded into her a few more times before coming apart within her and stilling against her body.

Pulling out, he let her skirts fall back to the floor as he redid his pants. Turning around, hot and flushed, Evelyn stared at him.

"So that's it then?" she gulped, looking him up and down.

"Well if you want…" Pan gestured towards the bed.

"No, I can't…I have to get back…"

"I need to know that you love me, Evie," Pan whispered, brushing his lips over her. "Please tell me…"

"I can't," Evie whispered. She couldn't admit it to herself, let alone to him.

"Well…perhaps, if you find that little bed a little too lonesome…"

He was kissing her then, his lips hot and fierce, but then he pulled away and was gone, lying upon his bed as though nothing had just happened.

"I'll be waiting for you, Evie."

But Evie was out the door quickly, running back to her hideout that was no longer so hidden. When she changed out of her clothes and laid down upon her bed, she was shaking. She loved him. Through everything; after everything – she still loved him.

She curled in upon herself, realising as she did, that her bed was unsettlingly cold.