So apparently punching someone else's boyfriend suddenly makes the entire world think you're secretly having a relationship with his girlfriend. At least it does according to the written media and every single TV station (I haven't dared look at what the less official part of the internet makes of it yet). Are all press reporters ninjas? Because I could have sworn we were alone when I did that, yet suddenly there's photos and phone footage and everyone's asking why I did it.
So today is already gonna be one of those days and I haven't even left my bed. I'm pretty certain that there's not gonna be the usual footsteps and bad temper to drag me out of here, I'm not even sure where the owner of both of those things is right now. Hopefully in the process of telling Hammer where to shove it. JARVIS is taking his usual delight in pulling up every news report and magazine cover that he can find to give me a headache with. Gotta say that the headlines are getting worse; 'Blows at the ball', 'Pepper Potts: The new Bridget Jones' (Who the hell is that? Have I slept with her?) 'The Bust Up Club' and the least creative, probably because it's one of those serious papers that business people read on the subway and glower at you over: 'Tony Stark punches Justin Hammer"
That last article was at least blunt about it. Still no regrets though! And it seems that's the only newspaper that's been honest about what happened, I punched him and walked (well, was dragged by Rhodey) away, but according to the magazines "There was an all-out punch-up where Stark almost killed Hammer with dirty boxing techniques, unashamedly taught to him by disqualified boxer Happy Hogan, whilst a horrified crowd watched. Mr Hammer had to be rushed to intensive care in hospital once Stark had been dragged away from his mutilated body"
It's making me wish I'd actually done more than punched him...but then the press would have probably acted like I'd killed him.
Whatever. I don't really care... I just care that Pepper's okay. And that I never uninstall the vocal recognition software from my computer, my hand is seriously killing me or I would attempt to write down everything I'm saying rather than saying it aloud for JARVIS to record.
I wonder if it's actually possible to break your hand punching someone?
Okay, so that trip to A&E has officially taught me that yes, you can break your hand by punching someone if you hit them in the jaw at the wrong angle and jar your wrist at the same time. So my right hand looks so sexy in a bandage, and I had to get out of bed and suffer a lecture from my own bodyguard on how I should learn to punch correctly if I'm going to start fights, and that I probably shouldn't have because now the press are talking shit about him too. I think he's been spending too much time around Pep. He sounded almost like her if she had a penis.
But luckily for me, Hap at least remembered what his priorities are, and has delivered me a mountain of Burger King to keep me quiet on the way back from hospital. Apparently these things are impossible to eat with any decorum if you've only got one hand, I should probably be getting a lecture on manners, and how I don't have any, from a concerned parent or my PA right now whilst she attacks me with a cloth to my mouth and a scowl. (I swear Potts was born to be a mother, she's already getting her practice in on me, rather than on a friend's brat.)
It is actually weird that she's not here to do that. Yeah, I know, I complain and act like I hate her for it all the time, but it's actually kinda nice that she does. I should probably say something to her about what happened last night...Not that I'm apologising! I don't regret it. In the slightest. And you should never apologise unless you actually mean it, unless that apology is worth money or saves your marriage apparently, that was Dad's policy on it.
JARVIS, delete anything I said earlier about possibly not hating my PA. Most women, with a soul or any feelings wouldn't have yelled at me! Then handed me a fully booked meeting schedule and whacked me with her clipboard accidently when I tried to mention the fact her eyes are still slightly red. I don't think she slept much last night, probably because she was worrying about me and debating the best way to get me to throw myself lovingly into her arms and carry her away from her asshole boyfriend.
Keep dreaming Tony; those tears were over him not you.
Pepper's marched off to do something and left me in her office to wait for her to find me something else productive to do, now that I've been a good little boss and followed her entire schedule to the letter. Unluckily for her, and lucky for me, she's left her cell on the desk.
Well it's completely not an invasion of privacy if I'm attempting to stop it ringing and I just completely and utterly *happen* to unlock it in the process. JARVINIA likes me anyway, that's what I've named the software that's partially in the device and partly still in production, and she's told me so. Well, more exactly she told Dum-e through her coding, and he then data-shared to JARVIS and he then told me, but I know where the message was from. This AI system has the same learning capabilities as my bots but the talking ability of JARVIS and all the sass and gingerness of the woman that owns it. She's turning out to be quite useful even in her delta stages, seems like she hasn't forgotten who her daddy is.
Pepper has officially got the most boring collection of texts on her mobile apart from the ones that are registered as being from her **darling**, I'm just guessing but that's probably him. Oh and the ones from me, they're pretty cool.
But he's even a creep in texts. Listen to this! "It's not my fault you were in tears, was it darling? There was no need to set the man you've been cheating with on me, was there Virginia?" I just want to punch him right now. He is the most...eww...I just CAN'T stand him. I want to know how my PA even stands him. It can't be romantic... What did she do to him? March into his office and yell at him like she did to me?
At least I'm certain they're dating now.
Why didn't Pepper just tell me? What did she think was going to happen? I was gonna punch hi-Oh wait. But she still should have told me about it! I know she hates me and doesn't want me involved, but I probably wouldn't hate it so much if she'd just told me about it.
Maybe I should just get a girlfriend myself and forget about her completely, seems like she doesn't even care when I stick up for her.
I sound like a fucking emo teenager swooning after the most popular girl in school. Grow up Tony. You're an adult. You can have ANY woman you want at all. You could even have a queen if you gave her the usual knock-em-dead treatment. She'd be on her knees giving you head before the end of the night.
Right. Okay. I give up.
No more flirting with her Anthony Stark, and no more breaking your hand from hitting slimy men.
Ditching her cell back on the desk, I lean back in the chair, yawning and getting comfy whilst she's not about.
Ten minutes later and the clicking of heels serenades the grumpy cow's return, I think that's probably the sound that completely sums up my PA, accompanied by a good deal of shouting at people for things and a scowl.
"Nice lip-gloss you have there" Cracking open one eye, I grin up at her, catching her gaze and grinning "Wouldn't it be a shame if I was to kiss it off?"
I'm never going to stop flirting with her am I?