CHAPTER 10
PLEASED TO MEET YOU, HOPE YOU GUESS MY NAME
The cave was actually just a paint-mark on the side of the mountain, like something out of Wile E. Coyote. It concealed a door, and when Zim stepped through, he found himself in an office waiting room. A blast of air conditioning soothed his skin, and the sight of a leather chair brought joy to his heart. He rushed in and dropped into the chair, closing his eyes and resting with all his might.
"No toime t'sit down," Doyle said. "The boss man's waitin' fer yeh."
"In a minute," Zim said. He didn't bother to open his eyes.
"Now-ish," Doyle said.
Zim let out a tremendous sigh and pulled himself up and out of comfort. Doyle led him to the door in the back of the room and clapped him on the back
"This is as far as Oi go," Doyle said. "Oi'd loike to say it was a pleasure, but yer the laziest, stupidest most vain, homophobic piece've shite Oi've ever met."
"Thanks," Zim said.
"Good riddance." Doyle turned around and walked out of Zim's life.
Zim thought to head back to the chair now that the Irishman was gone, but then the door opened. "Enter."
Zim entered what looked like a study. Bookshelves lined the walls, and there were paintings where there weren't books. At the back was one of the biggest desks he'd ever seen, and the leather chair was turned so its rear faced him. Above the desk was a giant screen, and over that was the head of an animal Zim could not recognize, obviously a trophy.
The chair turned around, and Zim found himself staring into the face of Ronald fucking Reagan. Cowboy hat, cigar and all.
"Howdy," the devil said. "You must be Cris Zim."
"Call me Cris."
"I'm sure you're wondering, Zim, why I wanted to meet you."
"Not really."
Something screamed, and it sounded like it was coming from the devil's mouth. "Never mind him. Every once in a while, he encounters a moment of sanity and remembers where he is."
"Who?"
"Judas Iscariot. He lives in my mouth." The devil/Ronald Reagan opened his mouth and revealed a tiny figure of a man on his tongue.
"Cool."
"Anyway, I'd like to show you something." He snapped his fingers, and an image appeared on the screen. It was Fitz.
"I know him. So what?"
"John Fitzgerald is one of your closest friends."
"He's my roommate."
"Not anymore. Would you care to see who he lives with now?" With another snap of his fingers, the screen changed, and Zim saw one of the most beautiful women he'd ever seen.
"Who's that?"
"Fitz's roommate."
"He gets to live with her?"
"Found her on Craig's List."
"Impossible. Fitz can't be that lucky."
"Well, she's a lesbian. But she has an open mind."
"Is there any way we can get Fitz out of there and get me in?"
"You'd fuck it up," the devil said. "She'd tolerate you for a week before moving out. Don't even ask why."
"Why?"
"You're a creep."
Zim blinked. "Fuck you. I am not."
"You don't know how to talk with women because you want to bone every one of them. The idea that they are actual people rather than something you want to fuck is completely unheard of in your mind. This overcomes your common sense, so you fuck it up. You stalk them. You diddle them when they're asleep."
"JUST THAT ONCE!" Zim yelled.
"Relax, renegade. I'm not condemning you. I'm congratulating you. You're a sleazeball. I like that in a person."
This only confused Zim, so he kept quiet.
"Besides, I agree with you. Fitz shouldn't be so lucky. I'd like to fix that." He snapped his fingers, and Zim saw a picture of Bruni.
"What's with the slide show?" Zim asked. "I know these people. So what?"
"This is Future Booze Jesus. He's about to be found not guilty in his DUI trial."
"Good for him."
"No. This is bad. He must be stopped before it's too late."
"Stopped? From what?"
"If he succeeds, he will become a celebrity. Future Booze Jesus must not become a celebrity." SNAP!
Pervdoz and D-Dolla, sitting in a bar. DD approaching them from behind.
"This is the only good part," the devil said. "I hate to ruin this one."
"DD is alive again? That sucks. I liked him without his head."
"I didn't. He was one of my finest soldiers on earth. You have no idea how much misery that guy caused."
"I think I do."
"He's going to cause these two to drink a lot more than they ordinarily would. They're about to be FBJ drunk. Since they can't drive, they're going to stay at the hotel next door, but they'll be stuck with one bed. Then, D-Dolla' will wake up in the middle of the night, think he's sleeping next to his most recent conquest, and will start making out with Pervdoz. The latter, confused and still far too drunk, won't know what's happening, so he won't stop it."
"Dude! That sucks! We can't let that happen!"
"I really, really don't want to stop it," the devil said. "That's the only part of this I will regret."
"What do you mean?"
"Don't you get it? You fucked up the continuum by committing quantum suicide. You are supposed to exist. You created a world that shouldn't exist, so I have to send you back. And you're going to start out as a baby."
"What? I have to live my life again? That sucks."
"I can't believe I'm going to tell you this, but life sucks only as much as you let it. Do you know how many people get a second chance? You, out of everyone who has ever existed, get a do-over. You can become a much better person."
"I don't want to change."
The devil smiled. "I knew you'd say that. People usually don't. What did you think of Hell, by the way?"
"I don't care for it."
"Did you learn anything about yourself during your journey through the nine circles?"
"Not really."
"That's why I'm excited to send you back. I love the world with you in it. Your apathy and misery gets to so many people that you make the world an infinitely worse place to live. That makes me happy."
"You're a dick," ZIm said.
Satan laughed, and Judas screamed. Zim sighed and prepared himself to experience life once again . . .