Chapter 11
The Love of my Life
"Morning, Mother," Castle called out from the kitchen when he saw her coming down the stairs. "I'm making omelets. Do you know if Alexis is awake yet?"
"Doubtful. She was up half the night Skaping."
It took a second for him to figure out what she meant. Chuckling at her slight mispronunciation he said, "It's 'Skyping', Mother. Not 'Skaping'."
"Whatever," she said dismissing his correction with a flutter of her hand. "So what's the occasion?" she asked, nodding her head towards the elaborate omelet set up he had going on.
"Does there have to be an occasion for me to make my two favorite girls omelets?"
She looked at him shrewdly and sat down at the counter to watch as he whipped together the ingredients for a western omelet, her favorite. Despite his cheerful outward attitude, she sensed a pensive mood lurking under the surface.
Several minutes later he placed the dish in front of her. She took a bite, closing her eyes in delight. "Perfect, as usual. So, are you going to tell me what's got you all wound up?"
Leaning over his own plate, he moved the eggs around with his fork. He was feeling a little anxious about telling his mother about his dinner with Alec.
"Oh for goodness sakes, Richard, whatever it is, just say it already."
As casually as possible he said, "I had dinner with Alec last night." Taking a bite, he watched her out of the corner of his eye to gauge her reaction to the news. Her fork froze half way to her mouth. A second later, she returned it to her plate, the food uneaten. Her face showed no emotion, but he had a feeling she was purposely feigning indifference for his benefit.
Pushing her plate away she said, "Really? I didn't even know you had plans. How did it go?"
"It went really well, actually. Better than I expected."
"I'm glad."
"Are you sure?"
"Of course. I think it's great that you are getting the chance to know your father."
"So, it won't bother you if I have a relationship with him? Because if it does-"
She gently put her hand on his, silencing him. "I want you to do what makes you happy."
"I'm curious... Why didn't you tell me? About him. About his gambling?"
She looked surprised that he knew about that. "It just never seemed to be the right time. At first it was because you were too young to understand. Then when you were 11, you wrote that essay about your father. Do you recall that?"
He frowned, struggling to remember. He finally shook his head.
"When you were in the 6th grade, I ran into your teacher at the store. She told me all about the fabulous essay you had written about your father. The doctor. A surgeon that saved lives every day. When I asked you about it, you said-"
"You never know. He might be a famous doctor," he finished, as the memory came to him finally.
"You said it so defiantly, like you dared me to contradict you. It seemed so important to you that he had a noteworthy career. I just didn't have the heart to ruin the image you had of him. I figured that if that's what you needed to believe to help you deal with him not being around, then so be it. Maybe it wasn't the right decision, but I did what I felt was best."
He could here defensiveness in her voice. "I wasn't criticizing," he assured her. "You were right. I loved growing up imagining all the things my father could be. By allowing me to do that, you made it okay."
His heartfelt statement brought tears of relief to Martha's eyes. Secretly she had always worried about her decision to keep Alec's past from her son. His sudden re-appearance had brought it all back, so hearing Rick tell her that her decision was the right one lifted a huge weight off of her shoulders.
"Hey, is everything okay?" They had been so engrossed in their conversation that they hadn't noticed Alexis come down the stairs. She was now looking at them with concern as she took in their serious expressions. "Did I miss something?"
"Everything's fine. And I am making omelet's. Want one?" He started throwing ham into the pan when she yelped, "Dad! Stop!"
"What?" He looked down, alarmed, to see what had caused her to react so strongly.
"That," she said, making a sour face and pointing at the ham. "Do you realize how pigs are treated before they are slaughtered for our selfish appetites?"
"But you love..." He stopped when he caught his mother's eye. She shook her head and put up her hands, silently warning him not to argue. Shrugging, he took the skillet over to the sink and dumped the ham out. He started to crack an egg into the now empty pan when she grabbed his arm. "I think I'll just have toast."
When Alexis finally had her breakfast in front of her, Martha said, "I think your father has something he wants to tell you."
Looking into his daughter's curious eyes, he told her that he had had dinner with Alec.
He watched her eyes go wide with surprise. He could see the excited sparkle in them. "What? When? Why didn't you tell me? What did he say? Are you going to see him again?"
"Well if you would let me get a word in edgewise, I could tell you," he said laughing at her exuberance.
"Dinner. Last night. I didn't want to get your hopes up. And yes, I am going to see him again." As he answered her questions he pointed to one finger at a time, counting them off. "Did I miss anything?"
She tilted her head, running the questions through her mind. "Yes, you missed the most important one. What did he say?"
Castle looked at his mother. In that moment, he could completely understand her decision to keep the truth about her father from him. Alexis was almost an adult, and wise beyond her years and he still found it hard to tell her about his father's gambling.
"He said he was sorry that he wasn't there for me growing up." Not his exact words, but Castle had gotten that message from him, so he didn't feel as if it were a lie. "He had a lot of issues that kept him from being a father."
She frowned. "Like what?"
When Castle hesitated, Martha answered her instead. "He was a gambler, Alexis. He couldn't give it up. Not even for me... for his son," she quickly corrected
Both Castle and Alexis turned to stare at her in response to her bitter tone. When she saw the look of surprise on their faces, she quickly apologized. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."
"Is that true?" Alexis asked looking back and forth between. "Is that why he stayed away? Because he was addicted to gambling?"
"Yes, although it's not as simple as that." He spent the next twenty minutes re-telling his father's story to Alexis. By the way her mother's face changed as he told it, he came to the conclusion that this was the first time she had heard much of it herself. Her features had softened, leaving her appearing more sad than angry.
"I...I didn't know," she said softly. "I always assumed that he just didn't want to give up his exciting lifestyle for a family."
"That's so sad," Alexis added, her eyes suspiciously moist.
"You're right," he agreed, "it is sad. At least the beginning is sad. But the ending doesn't have to be. He reached out to us. That had to have been hard for him." Hugging Alexis he looked over her head at Martha. "I could tell that he regrets the way his life turned out. I think if he couldn't have stayed with us, he would have."
Wiping away a stray tear, Martha excused herself and ran upstairs.
"I think it would mean a lot to him to get to know his grand-daughter. If you're interested, that is," he added teasingly, knowing she was indeed very interested.
"Do you think Gram is okay?"
"No. But I think she will be. I'm sure she just needs some time to think about what I told her."
Although it was his intent to reassure her, Alexis could hear the worry in his voice and see how he kept looking up the stairs towards Martha's room.
"Dad, go talk to her. I'll clean up here."
For perhaps the hundredth time, Castle marveled at the mature, intuitive daughter he had. As she picked up the dishes, he went upstairs to his mother's room. He knocked softly then opened the door. He found her sitting at her vanity, looking at an object in her hand. Curious, he looked over her shoulder. In the center of her palm was a $100 red chip. He had seen his mother with that chip many times over the years, but until now had no idea of it's significance.
"Your father gave this to me the first night I met him," she said, smiling softly. "He said I was his good luck charm and this was my 'commission'." She tucked the chip gently into a small box in her top drawer and turned to Castle. "Your father was the great love of my life. I had been in love before, but never like that. We knew right away that we were meant to be together. We were so sure that it would last forever." She sighed. "I never felt that was about anyone again."
"Do you regret it?"
"What? Loving your father? No. First of all," she said, as she laid her hand gently on his cheek, "then I wouldn't have you. Being your mother and Alexis' grandmother has given me more joy than I can possibly express. Secondly, I'm sure you've heard the saying 'it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all'. I believe that's true. It didn't last forever, and as much as it hurt to lose your father, I still consider myself lucky. Not everyone gets the chance to experience a love like ours."
That last statement struck a cord in him. It made him think about his own life. He had been married twice and had had more girlfriends than he could count. Had he been in love? Absolutely. But he didn't consider any of them the love of his life. Until... an image of Kate popped into his head. Ridiculous, Castle thought to himself. He loved Kate, he knew that, but he certainly didn't consider her the love of his life. Did he? They had never had a real date and if she had serious feelings for him, she wasn't ready to act on them. It made no sense. But there it was. Try as he might to deny it, he knew in his heart that Kate Beckett was the one. But he didn't feel lucky. He felt scared. What if he didn't even get the chance to love and lose? What if he never got a chance to love her at all?