Chapter 10-Numb

Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or any of its characters or Linkin Park's Numb

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Nick Anderson –Anderson Residence

I heard a car pull into the driveway, and Blaine scrambled out of the car. I went toward the door, but Pam grabbed my arm.

"Nick, hang back. He's coming in, and his friend is with him." Don't scare him off. I'm sure they'll explain what happened," Pam said.

"I don't trust that boy, Pam. I mean, Blaine was fine before that boy came into his life."

"Nick, Blaine was not fine. Blaine was just really good at hiding it, that's all. I've known for awhile actually. You would've too, if you would've been around him more. He isn't suffering from illness or from confusion. Our son is gay, Nick. He's sure, and he doesn't need you to try to change him. Now, I'm proud of you for trying to spend more time with him. You can't push him, though, and you won't change him. He's too strong willed for that. Support him Nick. Listen to him, and be there for your son.

"Pam, I..." The door opened, and Blaine walked in with an older boy. He was thin, with dirty blonde hair. He extended a hand out to me. I shook it briefly, and then withdrew my hand.

"Hello, sir. My name is Thomas. First, I wanted to apologize for getting Blaine home so late. He came over for dinner, and I was helping him run lines. We lost track of time. I apologize for that, sir."

"Thanks for bringing him home, Thomas, and it is so nice to meet you." Pam said.

"What were you reading lines for, son?" I asked.

"Dad, I auditioned for the role of The Cowardly Lion in the school production of The Wizard of Oz, and I got it. Thomas was helping me rehearse my lines because I only have six weeks to learn them."

"So, the Wizard of Oz now. Son, I thought I asked you to try to lighten your load right now." I said. "Thomas, it was nice to meet you, but it's getting late and it's a school night."

"Sure, nice to meet you both. Good night, Blaine."

"Good night Thomas, Pam stated. "Have a lovely evening, and drive safely."

The boy moved hurriedly to the door. When his car pulled out of the driveway, I looked at Blaine. "Son, I was pretty sure I stated my feelings about this the other day."

"Yes, dad, you did, but I am pretty sure that you didn't give me a chance to state mine. Dad, I promise my grades won't slip, but I'd really love to do this. I auditioned for the glee club, and the director asked me to audition for the play. I got a standing ovation. Dad, I really want to do this."

"Blaine, it doesn't really look good. I mean, people at school already talk about you being gay, and now you are a wimpy cat in a musical? Are you trying to give them a reason to bully you? That kid, Terrance, he isn't helping matters either. I thought I told you I didn't want you seeing him."

"Dad, it's late, and I think I'm just to turn in."

"You're grounded for a week. School, practice, and church only."

"Dad, I was home before curfew. I don't get it? What did I do to get grounded?"

"Nick, I think that may be a little drastic," said Pam.

"Pam, we'll talk about this later. I'd like to talk to Blaine privately. Why don't you go lie down, and I'll be in there in awhile."

"Goodnight Blaine. I'm proud of you," she stated lightly. I glared at her for a moment. I didn't like that she was encouraging this.

"To answer your question, you ignored my conditions. I told you not to date that kid."

"Dad, we aren't dating. We're just friends." Blaine protested back.

"To hell you aren't!" I raised my voice. Our therapist would have something to say at that. I didn't care. "It's an extra week now for lying to me. He was staring at you like a lovesick puppy. He took you to school this morning. You eat lunch together every day. You guys have been spotted together several times."

"Are you spying on me, dad?"

"I don't have to? Blaine, I know a lot of people around here, and they aren't afraid to talk about spotting my son with an obviously feminine boy at See you Latte.

"So this is about you. You are afraid of what everybody will say if they see me in town with another boy. EVEN THOUGH I'VE TOLD YOU WE ARE NOT DATING! "Blaine's voice was shaking and near a yell.

"Son, you need to lower that voice THIS INSTANT. You will not talk to me that way. Do you like this kid? Don't you lie to me, son."

"What if I do? Dad, he's a great guy. He makes good grades. He's in a few extra-curricular activities. And he's been my friend when no one else would have anything to do with me. He was there for me after my audition, that you didn't even realize I had. Why don't you just admit that you are once again worried about what people will say? Well, I'm tired of trying to live up to your impossible expectations." He turned back around to face me. "Dad, about the car, keep it. I don't want it if I have to pretend to be something I'm not." Blaine turned around and walked toward the stairs. "Don't worry. Even though I have feelings for him, I would NEVER act on them because; one, He's already told me is not attracted to me that way. Two, I know I'm not ready to put myself out there again because rejection hurts. And three, I told you I wouldn't, and I keep my word, even though you just accused me of lying to you."

"Son, I'm done talking about this with you. It's late. I suggest you go to bed. We'll talk about…" Blaine stomped up the stairs.

SLAM!

I walked towards our bedroom. I shut our bedroom door behind me. "Pam, I swear that boy's temper…"

"Is like yours. You don't get angry much, but when you do, it's like a volcanic eruption. And I understand why he is angry. Blaine is still searching, Nick. He's searching for acceptance, and he found it in his friend, Thomas."

"His gay friend, Pam." I just can't help but think that he's encouraging all of this rebellion from Blaine."

"Dear, I don't think what Blaine is doing is rebellion. He was gay and stubborn before Thomas came along."

"Seeing that kid, and the way he looked at him, it it! I'm just not ," I stopped and placed my head in my hands.

"You aren't ready yet. By seeing it, it's harder to deny. You're scared."

I nodded at her. I loved this woman. She saw right through me. She read people very well. She had known about Blaine for awhile. She was just not comfortable telling me. That stung a little. Had I become that hard to talk to? Was I that inaccessible?

"Pam, I'm worried about how everybody else is going to treat him. Blaine is going to get teased and ridiculed. I don't want ever want to see him like he was last weekend. That tore me to pieces, Pam."

"Nick, our boy is changing. He has gained confidence. I'm not sure if it's from Thomas, the Glee Club, the play, or a combination of all three, but I love how confident and happy he finally is. Nick, I think you should go see his play. His voice is amazing."

"I know! He sang to me last week, and it brought tears to my eyes. He is amazing, Pam! I know I had nothing to do with that. He is so much like you, and he's as talented and wonderful as he is in spite of me!" I was fighting back tears. I felt so much shame.

"Dear, don't say things like that. Blaine is like you in many ways. He is determined, stubborn, hard-working, and talented. No, you can't sing to save your life," She chuckled lightly, "But you have energy and a charm about you that people see instantly. Blaine has that too." She kissed me lightly on the cheek. "His differences from you are good for you. Your outer shell can be hard to crack, but you are a caring individual. I know you're proud of him, but you need to show him that. Tell him. He thrives off of that."

"You are amazing woman, did you know that!"

"Well, of course I do, honey," she chuckled. "Good night dear."

"Good night." I turned off the lamp and snuggled close to her. Blaine was so much like her. She was right. He was like me too. He was stubborn. He was a good kid, and I needed to work harder to let him know I was proud of him.

I grabbed my phone, and pulled up my text messages.

Dad to Blaine: Good night son. Congratulations on the part. You will do great. I love you!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Blaine Anderson –Anderson Residence

I went to my room, and I immediately raised the window up. I climbed down the tree into the back yard, as I had done in the past. I made way to the tree house. I just needed to get out of the house for a little while.

I realized my hands were shaking, a mix between the chilly breezes and the anger that was running through my head. I just wished that he got it. I wished that he actually tried to understand me. I really did try to make him proud, but honestly, I didn't know if that was going to happen. I was finally proud for myself, but he didn't want that. Why was I never good enough? Why did I always feel like I was letting him down?

I sat on the cold floor of the tree house. I wish I had my guitar. I fought the tears. I was sick of crying. I was tired of trying to please him. I loved my father, but I felt like his love was conditional, earned only when I accomplished one of his goals and not mine. Why did I bother? I pulled out my Ipod. I plugged in the headphones and turned the volume all the way up. I opened my mouth and sang the words that I felt so deeply in my heart.

I'm tired of being what you want me to be

Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface

I don't know what you're expecting of me

Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

I was never going to be what he wanted. I probably could, but I'd be miserable. I'd being burying everything I was, like before, and I wasn't turning back down that road.

Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow

Every step that I take is another mistake to you

Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow

I thought of what he said about my part in the play. He called it a wimpy cat! He didn't even know Thomas' name. He still didn't really want to connect with me. I just wish I didn't care so much about what he thought about me. It would be so much easier. It was tearing me apart that he wanted me to be something I wasn't. At what point did I stop letting him break me down.

Now! From this point on, I was done trying to please my father.

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there

Become so tired, so much more aware

By becoming this all I want to do

Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me?

Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control

'Cause everything that you thought I would be

Has fallen apart right in front of you

I'm completely aware that I'm a disappointment to him; being gay, not interested in sports, interested in musicals and singing, small build and short. I know I'm the opposite of what he dreamed I'd be. I'd tried to tell him that I didn't want his dreams, and he pushed and pushed, convinced that I was just confused about what I wanted.

Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow

Every step that I take is another mistake to you

Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow

And every second I waste is more than I can take!

I didn't want to waste anymore time pretending to be something I wasn't. Wasn't part of courage doing something that scared you? I realized that I was afraid of him hating me, giving up on me as a son. However, I also knew that I didn't want his dreams

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there

Become so tired, so much more aware

By becoming this all I want to do

Is be more like me and be less like you

Last week had been an epiphany. It had shown me what I really wanted, what it could be if I was willing to take a risk. I understood his point, that it might open me up to ridicule, to criticism, but I was beginning to understand that the criticisms of people that didn't like me didn't have to matter to me. Michael, Derek, Carl didn't have to rule my life. Their issues with me were their issues, no longer mine. I refused to let their hate dictate my life anymore. Dad was harder. His criticisms would always cut me a little more than the others, but it wasn't going to hold me back any longer.

And I know I may end up failing too

But I know you were just like me with someone disappointed in you

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there

Become so tired, so much more aware

By becoming this all I want to do

Is be more like me and be less like you

I had made up my mind. I was done pleasing my father. I had felt a major load removed from my shoulders when I stopped letting others control me, but my father's grip had remained. Although I wanted to believe that he would come around, I had to be clear and firm about my dreams. I had to let him know that I wasn't going to give up on the things that meant the most to me, and that also meant Thomas.

Blaine to Thomas: Thomas, are you home yet!

Thomas to Blaine: Yeah, is everything ok? I'm so sorry.

Blaine to Thomas: No, dad and I had a big argument. Can you come over? I'm in the tree house in the back yard. You should be able to sneak in here if you don't park in front of the house.

Thomas to Blaine: I'll be there in 10 minutes.

Thomas to Blaine: Blaine, I'm sorry. I told you that we would stick together.

Blaine to Thomas: I'm not going to text anymore until you get here. Be safe. Thank you.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Thomas –Anderson Residence

I parked on the other side of the street and walked quietly to the back yard.

"Thomas, is that you?" I heard Blaine whisper.

"Yeah, B. It's me." I climbed inside, and immediately, his arms were around my neck.

"I'm never going to make him happy, T! I'm done trying. Why is it that the rest of my family is ok with who I am?"

"B! just hang in there. They are not your issues. They are his. You stay strong. Remember, that there are plenty of people that are proud of you. You are awesome, and you don't have to prove it. It's in everything that you are, Blaine. You are amazing." He looked up at me intensely with his honey-colored eyes. It broke my heart to see him like that. The next thing I knew, I leaned in and our lips connected. I knew I shouldn't have. Apparently, he didn't mind, because his lips immediately started to move against mine.

My hands went to the back of his neck, pulling him closer. His arms snaked around my waist. Our lips glided against each other. I moved one hand to his cheek. What did this mean? I knew we didn't need to take this past a friendship. I also know that I didn't want to pull away.

He finally pulled away after a minute. "Thomas?" He looked at me, his eyes full of questions and confusion.

"Blaine, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I mean, we're friends."

"Do you mean it. Do you really think I'm amazing."

"Blaine, you are the most amazing man I've ever know."

He instantly leaned in, and I met his half way, our lips once again colliding, and I knew that I had lost the battle. I knew right then that I was head over heels for Blaine Anderson.

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