(Warning contains terminal illness references, references to depression, suicide, abuse, sickness and graphic scenes)
So won't you please just take my hand, and take my whole life too Cause I can't help falling in love, falling in love with you. Cause I can't help falling in love, falling in love with you, I keep falling in love with you.
Carol tearfully leaned over to the radio and switched it off quickly. She couldn't listen to songs like that anymore without it killing her soul. Every sweet lyric and every sweet memory she had which reminded her of Daryl would make her feel like her heart was on fire, while the smoke made it hard for her to breathe.
Beep Beep Beep She let out a small breath of air.
The sound of Daryl's heart beeping on the machine was the only thing that managed to keep her sane. It had been four long weeks since Daryl had slipped into a sleep and had never woken up again. Even though his eyes weren't open and he couldn't move a muscle she knew he was trying to hold on and fight. Carol glanced at the lines bouncing on the monitor, she was grateful his heart hadn't given up yet, she turned her eyes and stared at him for a second taking in all of the tubes looping around his body and suddenly she felt her eyes burning. After all of this time it still murdered her to see his IV connected to his hand along with all of those tubes running through his nose, helping him to stay alive. She didn't know if he truly needed it or not but she never questioned it, if Maggie and Hershel believed it would help him there was no way in hell she'd argue.
Her fingers trailed down his arm, sliding gently across the light scars from his stitching. She turned her eyes up to look at his nose grateful to see it clean. Hershel was able to stop the excessive bleeding for now, but he warned he would need to get this done every time the bleeding got worse. Carol shook her head, he could be in here a thousand more times. She wasn't able to watch when they cauterised his nose but she never left his side for even a second just in case he woke up. She already knew how afraid he was of hospitals (from the ignorant tales Merle and his father had weaved into his mind) the thought of leaving him in a big scary place like this just made her heart ache more than it already had.
Her hand slipped over her stomach gently as she gazed down. The bump was already starting to poke through her vest slightly but not obviously. In all honesty, she still didn't look as pregnant as she felt. In fact, she just about looked like she'd had a big lunch. She wondered if Daryl would even notice her stomach or if he'd even wake up in time to still see it at such a small size. Carol took one of Daryl's limp hands slowly and placed it over her small bump, half hoping it would miraculously wake him up. If he ever did wake up…
Carol curled up in her seat, the tears dripping like wax onto her knees. She never believed they'd end up here.
In the beginning her biggest fear was her getting caught and being hurt by Ed. She never thought she'd end up caring and loving Daryl as much as she did now. When things started to develop with them, her next fear was that she would end up hurting him and in the end that ended up being true…Over the last four weeks, Merle's words continued to play games in Carol's head and without Daryl to soothe her away from the bad thoughts it was beginning to get harder and harder not to believe him. Maybe, she should've stayed away when Daryl had warned her to. She could've left the night he told her to leave and handed him over to Rick for him to take care of him, her soul still would've ached with the pain but at least things wouldn't be so complicated, at least Rick and Lori would be sterner about him staying in hospital. They wouldn't nearly get him killed by agreeing to let him come home.
Carol glanced at the seat next to her, Sophia was asleep and she felt another wave of guilt flow over her. Ever since Daryl's last accident Sophia had barely uttered a word. Whenever Carol or anyone else would attempt to speak to her she'd reply with pressing her lips together, nodding or shaking her head. She never had much expression anymore. She'd been dragged about so much within the last 9 weeks, Carol wasn't that surprised. She stroked one hand over Sophia's silky hair wondering how long it would take for her to speak again, if she ever did.
She swept her hand over to Sophia's cheek while her other hand played with Daryl's hand as she let out a deep sigh. This whole situation was fucked up and what was even more fucked up was the fact that sometimes she wished she could go back. Even though things were dreadful with Ed and their relationship was a big secret, things still seemed a little simpler then compared to now. Daryl used to be the one who saved Carol and worried over her and now it was her turn to save him and pray every day that he'd move a muscle before it was too late.
Over the last few weeks as the thoughts became more frequent, she began to loath herself more and more.
She gazed down by his bed, the shiny sick bucket was sitting on the ground just waiting to be picked up. She crushed her eyelids shut.
She still couldn't get the image of Daryl out of her mind. Seeing the blood trickling out of his nose and out of his mouth mixed in with vomit and his hands reaching out for her killed her, it killed her seeing him so vulnerable and so scared and it killed her knowing that was his last emotion before going into this deep sleep. If this was his last state before dying, he did not deserve to have that as his last feeling let alone his last memory. It pained her to even imagine him dying but if he was going to, he deserved to die knowing he was loved and that the people who cared about him most in this world were surrounding him and that they'd be okay and he'd be okay and nothing in the whole universe could prevent them for remembering him for what he was: a decent man.
Carol brushed her wet eyes aggressively.
She always heard that people in comas could hear the people around them and could sense their touch. She wondered if Daryl knew that she was crying and had been the last few weeks. She wondered if he wished he could reach out. Or if he knew the hundreds of times she'd spent reading some of Sophia's books to him…Carol stroked his hand and went through the daily routine again. Firstly she pressed her lips softly against his hand holding her cheek to it for a few seconds before saying silkily,
"Everything will be okay and when you wake up and you're allowed to leave…we'll go away for a little while just the three of us"
Silence.
As usual.
Carol nodded brushing his hair back, "It's okay. It's okay Daryl I just wanted you to know I'm here"
She leaned back in her chair. Nobody apart from Maggie, Hershel and Sophia knew about Daryl being in here. Not even his own brother or Rick or Lori, she wondered if she should call them and at least let them know what was happening, even if Merle was banned from being near them he should know about his brother's condition. She already knew if it were the other way round Merle would never call Carol, but she wasn't Merle.
He didn't deserve her kindness, but she was going to give it to him anyway.
The door suddenly creaked open and Carol jerked back out of her thoughts, she spun her head around to see Maggie standing in the doorway in her new uniform with a small toothy smile. Carol immediately smiled back despite feeling dark, she never could help it, Maggie had such a beautiful and contagious smile it felt like a crime not to smile back.
"How is he doing today?" asked Maggie sweetly as she shut the door behind her.
Carol shrugged, "Same as before"
"What about you? Are you comfortable?"
"I don't care about myself right now"
Maggie's smile changed and suddenly her arms were over Carol, carefully hugging her close.
"We're taking good care of him Carol, you shouldn't worry so much. The stress isn't good for the baby" she said softly. Carol nodded, her eyes focusing entirely on Daryl as Maggie slowly moved towards him. Her hand rested on his forehead for a few seconds "He's a little hotter than usual"
Carol stared worried, "Does he have a fever?"
Maggie stared at him, she moved one hand into her pocket and pulled out a thermometer carefully slipping it into his mouth. After a few moments of waiting a small Beep! Emerged and Maggie pulled it back out with a smile on her face. "He's okay it's nothing serious…" she hesitated slightly staring at the dark circles beneath Carol's eyes "You should probably go home and rest, we're taking care of him and I'll be home later to help with things"
Carol shook her head, "No I'm not going anywhere he could wake up at any second and I'm not missing it" she snapped accidentally rudely.
Maggie sighed, she folded her arms over her uniform sternly. "It's been four weeks, Carol. Who knows how long he could be sleeping. You need to relax, you're not losing him anytime soon"
Carol glared at her, "How do we even know anymore? It's gotten so bad lately…" she rubbed her face tiredly "I'm starting to feel all alone again…sorry this isn't even about me. I'm being selfish as usual" she hissed shaking her head. Carol always hated herself when she got like this, who even gave a fuck that she felt bad? Daryl's life was possibly hanging by a thread!
Ridiculous She thought to herself annoyed.
Maggie crouched down onto one knee and rubbed Carol's hand gently, "You're allowed to be selfish, all you ever do is put others before you" Her green eyes gazed over at Sophia snoring in the chair "With everything you're dealing with, I'd be worried if you weren't a little bit selfish" Carol stared over at Sophia too and softly squeezed Maggie's hand.
"Do you think she'll come around?"
Maggie nodded noiselessly and clasped Carol's hand against her own gently yet securely "She's dealing with a lot for someone so young and this is her way of dealing with it. When the darkness begins to clear up and that little bit of hope shines through, that's when I think she'll come around. My sister-"Maggie paused her smile fading as she shut her eyes.
Carol's thumb stroked the back of her hand gently, "It's okay"
Maggie exhaled heavily, "After our Mom died my sister went quiet for a long time and then…she tried to kill herself and had a change of heart…She was depressed for a while but seemed to be getting better…" she hesitated slightly, Carol could see how much this was still hurting her after three years. Maggie swallowed, despite her eyes being tight with pain she continued to force herself to smile "Well you know the rest don't you?"
Carol embraced Maggie softly, "Daryl told me she seemed happy and hopeful before it happened. She wasn't in pain and she still sang"
"I think your husband did that" Maggie sniffed tearfully.
Carol beamed encouragingly "I think they saved each other in different ways".
Maggie clasped Carol's hand this time, taking her by surprise. "Daryl looked after her for as long as he could, he saved her more than he knows…" her voice cracked "…what I'm trying to say is, Carol we're gonna do everything we can to keep him alive. He couldn't stop Beth from dying but who's to say we can't stop him from dying huh?"
Carol nodded tearfully before dragging Maggie into hug, as Maggie held her close she looked over at Sophia sleeping and let her fingers stroke Carol's hair soothingly.
"Let your daughter have her space but keep an eye on her too. We got too blinded by grief to notice that she was drifting from us, don't let yourself get blinded"
Carol nodded again noiselessly and wiped her tears away slowly with her hand. Maggie flashed her a small smile and stood up quickly,
"I'll be back in a few minutes with some water and tissues, seems like we both could use it" she beamed brightly. Carol mouthed the words Thank You and forced one more smile before Maggie silently shut the door behind her. Carol turned her eyes over to Daryl and rested her head against the soft mattress, she lifted his limp hand softly resting it on the top of her head. She always hoped that when she did this she'd feel his gentle fingers stroking the ends of her hair the same way he used to. To have him laughing in his gravelly voice while he dumbly teased her, eventually leading to him kissing her and muttering about how much he fuckin' loves her.
Carol secured her eyes shut, she was so grateful to have people like Maggie and Hershel by her side. If she was dealing with this all on her own, she had no idea of how broken she'd be by now. If they were simple strangers who didn't know Daryl the way they did, she'd be putting up more of a fight.
She glanced over at Sophia sleeping and slithered away from Daryl's side. Her lips pressed against Sophia's cheek softly, "Watch over him for me, baby" she hissed silkily before creaking the door open.
In the doorway she turned to look at the two of them, she wished her heart wasn't breaking piece by piece everyday so she could enjoy seeing them together. Carol gazed down at her small stomach poking through her vest and she exhaled deeply trying to contain the sneaky tears which were trying to slip past security. She moved one hand and pulled the door behind her before making her way down the long ward corridor. There were so many faces passing her, some of the faces were happy and she felt a deep sense of envy guiltily build up inside of her, mixed in with other families which looked as if they had lost as much hope as she did. She wondered how long they'd been there and if they blamed themselves like she had. Or if the people's hands they'd been holding were one hands which stroked their every imperfection, helped them up when they were falling or if they were cruel hands which once caused them to hate with a burning passion.
Everybody in this hospital had a story and Carol felt as if hers and Daryl's was coming to a tragic end.
Carol stopped in front of the phone and took a small deep breath, her hands were already shaking. Carol knew the phone call was going to go to shit quickly but with Daryl's condition barely improving it was time to call him, just in case he would need time preparing his goodbyes. Carol stroked her small bump nervously and dialled Dixon's Mechanics since it was the only number to connect her to Merle, it had been so long she didn't even know if he would still own the place.
The phone suddenly started ringing and she fought every urge inside of her to hang up. She needed to do this, he didn't deserve this kindness considering everything he had put her through but Daryl was his brother and she needed to put her own feelings aside for two seconds.
The phone picked up and she could hear Merle sloppily moving it around, in the background she was sure she could hear bottles clanging together.
"Hello?" he said groggily
She took a deep breath, "It's me"
Merle chuckled gruffly, "What the fuck do you want?" he asked the sharpness quickly rising in his voice. Carol leaned her head against the cold wall, her hands practically clutching the phone to her ear,
"It's Daryl" she croaked.
The phone moved again, this time more frantically.
"What the fuck is wrong with him? Fuckin' tell me!" he growled.
She swallowed, "H-He's in a coma and we don't know what's gonna happen. I think he might-"her voice shook "I think he might be dy-"
"Don't you fuckin' say it"
"I'm sorry"
"How the fuck did this happen? How long's he been out?"
"I found him on the floor one morning, the blood just wouldn't stop and he couldn't breathe Merle, he couldn't breathe" she whispered brokenly, her lip was beginning to tremble at the memory "They brought him into the hospital and cauterised his nose and he just never woke up. They said-"she swallowed again "They said it was the blood…he lost so much and he-he-"
Merle breathed heavily, "How long has he fuckin' been like this?"
"Four weeks" she sighed and suddenly she heard a loud thud.
"Four fuckin' weeks?" he screamed "You waited four fuckin' weeks to call me while my baby brother-"he swallowed dryly "You're a fuckin' bitch I ought a kill ya! This is your fuckin' fault-"
"I know…"
There was a long silence between them until Merle finally said,
"What?"
"I know it's my fault…" she breathed a tear rolling down her cheek "He left the hospital too early and I should've stopped him. I should've… I-I fucked everything up" she sobbed.
There was another long pause of Carol crying against the phone. She hated herself for crying in front of Merle but she couldn't help it, she knew it was her fault they were back here. Maybe if she'd done something or she'd found him sooner he wouldn't be lying in that bed with tubes twisting like vines over his body.
"Why did ya call me?" asked Merle finally.
Carol sniffed, "I hate you for everything you've put my family through Merle, but he's your brother and you deserve to know and maybe even…say goodbye. I know you never got your chance with your father-"
"Shut up" he breathed another heavy breath into the phone "Jus' tell me where he is so I can come see him"
"I'll come and pick you up myself"
"Why?" he asked sharply.
"I need to see a friend and we have to talk"
"What about Derlena?"
Carol felt as if there were a lump in her throat, "I've got good doctors taking care of him, you know Maggie Greene and Hershel Greene? If he wakes up while I'm gone…" she sighed "I'll just be happy to know he's okay"
"Fine I'll see ya in a few hours" he uttered as he began to put the phone down as Carol let out a high pitched
"Wait!"
Merle moved the phone again, this time she could hear him grumbling to himself.
"What?"
She twirled the thin cord with her pinkie, "I'll let you see him but if he comes out of this okay and he doesn't want you around I don't want you to fight, I just want you to leave us the fuck alone. I'm not having him deal with that stress"
Merle paused for a moment, despite him not speaking Carol knew he was fighting the urge to start cursing at her and they both knew if he started screaming the hurtful things he wanted to scream their agreement would completely change. He took a gentle breath,
"Just get here fast" he growled through gritted teeth and the phone slammed down.
As soon as Carol put the phone down she knew she had to act quickly. With few hesitation she raced down the corridor almost bumping into several doctors and nurses, as soon as her hands met Daryl's door she forced it open almost causing Maggie to drop the two glasses of water in her hands. Maggie stared at her bewildered but that didn't stop Carol, her hands scrambled against the closet for her jacket and she threw it over her arms. Just as she was about to turn around she felt Maggie's hands grab her for a moment.
"Carol, slow down what's going on?" she asked.
"I need to leave right now, but I promise I'll be back as soon as I can" Carol declared power walking over to Daryl's side, she rubbed one hand over his cheek and kissed his forehead softly, it was killing her having to leave him like this.
"Wait! Where are you going?"
Carol sighed, "I'm picking up Daryl's brother. He needs to see him, I know Daryl won't like it but…if this is the end he deserves to say goodbye"
Maggie wrapped one protective arm over Sophia and nodded understandingly, "Okay. I'll keep an eye out for both of them and I'll call you if anything changes"
Carol smirked, "I haven't got anything for you to call me on…Thank you" she beamed before planting another kiss on Daryl's face. "I'll be back soon" she whispered her hand drooping away from his body slowly. As soon as her back was turned she sprinted for the doors and down the corridor to what was most likely going to be a war.
A war over Daryl.
…
The tires screeched as Carol pulled up in front of Rick and Lori's house, she must've been going 30 miles over the limit on her way there, she didn't have any time for bullshit. Carol turned the keys letting the roar of the engines die down leaving her in a long silence. She sat there for a moment just watching their warmly lit home. Above her she could hear the heavy rain pounding on top of the truck and she shook her head amused, her life was becoming such a cliché. But then again, had there ever been a story about the redneck and the housewife who fell in love in the most fucked up way? She sighed biting her lip and pushed the truck door open, as soon as she took a step outside she was immediately soaked in seconds. She strolled towards the door slowly, her arms folded over her chest her hair and clothes clinging to her like glue. Carol paused in the front yard for a second to look in the window, they were relaxing. Through the window she could see Rick with his arm over Carl and Lori with Judith sitting on Carl's lap sleepily.
Carol smiled,
At least they're happy she thought to herself. She turned to the door and sighed deeply.
Now she was going to ruin everything.
Carol knocked on the door lightly and waited for a few moments until the door suddenly swung open and Lori stared back at her with big brown eyes. She welcomed Carol with a bright smile and within seconds Carol's lip slowly trembled, her knees shook and the next thing she knew she was sinking to the ground in tears with Lori's arms already protectively wrapping around her. She immediately knew there was something wrong, like she always did when Carol showed up on her doorstep. She clung onto as much of Lori as she could and continued to sob as they sat in front of the house.
"I-I-I'm sor-r-"Carol struggled to speak but Lori simply shushed her while rocking her gently.
"It's okay, I'm here"
Footsteps appeared behind them, she peaked over Lori's shoulder discreetly to see Rick standing in the doorway with a mixture of shock and confusion on his face. He mouthed something to Lori and all she did in response was mouth something back and suddenly she felt her body being lifted. Both of their warm hands slipped into hers as they guided her into their house, moving straight past the living room and into the brightly lit kitchen, where they sat her down. Rick took a seat in front of her smiling softly through his beard at her, making her feel safe like he always did. Especially when she visited them with fresh bruises, despite them being hidden behind pounds of make-up and her vow of silence, they always knew what was going on and made her feel as comfortable as possible even though she never asked for it.
A towel was flung over her hair as she felt Lori attempting to dry her while Rick grabbed a tissue and wiped it over her leaking eyes. Once he was done, he held the crumpled up piece of tissue and covered her hand with his.
"It's good to see you again Carol" he smiled although it wavered "I just wish it wasn't like this…what happened?"
Carol blinked lightly, her hands moved to remove her jacket exposing her tiny bump poking through. She forced a smile, even though it hurt.
"I'm having a baby" she breathed "And Daryl…might not even be there to see her"
Lori's hands stopped moving above her and she watched as the towel slipped away from her head all the way to the ground, she moved to sit next to Rick and hesitantly touched Carol's bump gasping slightly.
"What happened to Daryl?" she asked quietly.
She sniffed, "I think he might be dying…he's been getting so much worse and four weeks ago I nearly lost him" she began breathing shakily "He threw up, he bled and stopped being able to breathe properly maybe it was the blood…until he…went to sleep and never woke up…He's in a coma" she confirmed with a small nod.
Rick shook his head, his eyebrows were narrowed down sharply, while his fists clenched and unclenched repeatedly. He couldn't understand.
"No…How the hell did this happen?" he asked his voice getting significantly deeper as he spoke.
"All those years when we couldn't find him he was killing himself with drinks until his body couldn't take it anymore. And about eight weeks ago, he got diagnosed with liver cancer and it's just gotten more fucked from there"
"Fuck" Rick said quietly "Fuck Fuck Fuck" he continued to repeat before walking out of the room with his head in his hands. Lori carefully took Rick's place and latched her hand onto Carol's.
"Does Daryl know you're-"
"I told him the night before it happened" she squeaked out "When he wakes up I'm not so sure he'll remember" she whispered in a broken voice.
The word "If" was beginning to scratch at the back of her mind.
"Did he take the news okay?" she asked adjusting with Carol's wedding ring.
Carol shrugged her shoulders, a small smile planted on her face as she shook her head.
"You never know with Daryl, he seemed okay after a while. He came home after about 2 maybe 3 hours, his eyes were all red" she sucked in her lips at the memory and her eyes fluttered shut "He came home with a toy for her, a little sleeping suit…a-a book and he made p-promises" her voice suddenly shook and her cheeks were being drowned in her tears. Lori's hands scrambled to pull Carol close, she wrapped two long arms over her. One hand was gripping the back of her head as she shushed her softly.
"I'm sorry I came here like this but I needed friends…everything feels like it's falling apart" she sniffed softly and wiped her face with her sleeve "Sophia's struggling too, she's-"
Before Carol could continue Carl quickly entered the room with Judith clinging to his plaid shirt, her head buried in his chest.
"There's something wrong with Sophia?" he asked worriedly.
"Not now Carl, we'll talk later" said Lori sternly.
Carl narrowed his eyes, "I wanna know! She's my friend" he snapped back. Carol could see his cheeks were slowly turning into a new shade of red while his grip on his sister got slightly more protective or tighter, as if he was trying to stop himself from yelling. She turned to him, swallowing lightly.
"She hasn't been happy for a while and I really think she could use a friend" she smiled "Maybe you could text her or try calling her?" Carol suggested although she knew trying to call Sophia would be a useless attempt.
Carl nodded and before he could open his mouth to say another word Lori's hands were already on his back, hurrying him out of the kitchen. Once he was out of the room with Judith still in his arms, she turned to Carol and asked in a low voice,
"What's wrong with her?"
Carol rubbed her wrist softly, she had one of Sophia's hair ties wrapped around it. "She's stopped speaking, she's stopped smiling she just seems lost at the moment" she sighed painfully "She was the one who found Daryl on the floor, I think it really messed her up"
Lori slid a finger across Carol's wrist softly, "We can come to visit if you'd like, maybe get some help around the house?"
Carol smiled, "That would be nice, although Daryl's nurse has been helping me at home"
"With all of this shit going on around you, you could use another pair of hands"
The floor creaked and Carol turned her head to see Rick re-entering the room. He was still half-shaking his head, she could see he still looked disturbed. She reached one hand over and held it with delicacy before pulling him forward.
"I could've helped him, I never should've let him go" he croaked painfully.
Carol shook her head and squeezed his palm, "You did enough, if you hadn't taken care of him after that girl died I don't think I would've ever found him and he could be much worse than he is now"
Rick nodded before dragging Carol's hand forward and slowly pulling her into a hug.
"I called work to take some time off, we're gonna come to Savannah to see Daryl"
"Thank you" she whispered back. Carol glanced down at her watch and shifted herself away from Rick's hug. "I only came by to let you know about him, I've got to be somewhere else soon" she said slipping into her damp jacket.
"Where are you goin'?" he asked his eyebrows raising.
She sighed, "Please don't worry about me but I'm gonna go to see Daryl's brother, Merle."
Rick tilted his head slightly and leaned forward.
"Merle? Aint he the asshole that put Daryl on the streets?" he growled with clenched fists.
Carol nodded crossing her arms over her stomach, "I don't like it either but if Daryl really is-if there's a chance he won't wake up he needs to see him and anyway we need to talk"
Rick took another step forward, "I can follow ya if you want. If that asshole tries something I can be on him in seconds" he warned flashing a shiny pair of handcuffs from his belt buckle, which Carol thought was amusing considering he wasn't even in uniform.
Carol smiled with appreciation, "I can handle him, I've got a few tricks up my sleeve" she smirked for a moment "I'm pregnant and grieving but I'm not weak"
Rick placed one hand on her shoulder sternly, "Just stay safe, please" he almost begged.
"I promise"
The three of them walked to the front door, just as she was about to step out into the rain she heard fast footsteps race across the wooden floor only to see Carl with his denim jacket buttoned up along with his bag resting on his back.
"I wanna come too, I need to see Sophia please" he pleaded.
The three of them exchanged looks until Carol wrapped one arm over Carl's shoulder,
"I've got room at home and Sophia will be happy to see you…but it's not my call" she said looking up at the two of them. Lori slid away from Rick's side, her slender arms wrapped around his shoulders and she gave him a wet kiss on the forehead.
"We'll be there in a few days, you need to do everything Carol tells you to do and just make sure you stay safe!" She urged.
Carl smiled back humbly, "I will Mom, don't worry"
Lori moved back to Rick's side, the two of them nodding approvingly at Carol, who gave them a small nod back. She pushed the light door open, her eyes tiredly staring at the shower rushing down outside and wrapped one arm over Carl before racing towards the truck trying not to slip. As Carol started up the engine and slowly began driving down the street, her eyes wandered to the rear view mirror. Behind her, she could see Lori's arms wrapped tightly over Rick as he buried his head in her shoulder, despite being far from them Carol could see that he was shaking.
She sighed.
Before Daryl had started numbing himself with booze and seeing the world in a disgusting light, she wished he could've seen that he wasn't alone and that he wasn't better off dead. That there were so many people who cared about him and would give up a lot for him in a heartbeat, that it was okay for him to be scared because there were people who were there for him, he was never alone. Daryl was just so wrapped up in his depression, it was blinding him from the true reality that things could get better. Rick was losing a brother, Sophia was losing a father and she…she was losing her best friend.
Carol felt her eye twitch and Carl quickly looked up at her,
"Are you okay, Carol?"
Carol nodded, "I'm fine, I'm just worried about Daryl"
He hesitated slightly, "He's gonna be okay isn't he?"
"I don't know…all we can do is hope now"
Carl touched her hand softly, "I hope he's okay"
Carol smiled tightly, and squeezed his hand gently.
"Me too"
…
They passed the local grocery store and Carol knew that she was getting close. As she paused in front of a red light, she turned to Carl with a look of concern on her face.
"Have you got earphones or something?"
Carl nodded, exposing two white wires. "Why?"
"I'm gonna see Daryl's brother and...With everything that's happening he might not be happy, I just don't want you to hear some of the things he'll say" Carl nodded and slipped the earbuds into his ears before Carol tapped him on the shoulder again, "And when I get out of the truck you should stay behind, no matter what you hear or see stay in the truck. I can deal with whatever he tries"
"Okay Carol" Carl yawned and he leaned his head on the window. Carol grinned at him and continued down the street, she hated that she had to give him warnings against Merle.
If only he wasn't a jackass she thought to herself tiredly. Carol's stomach rumbled. Shit she thought panicked, she quickly zipped up her jacket and hoped to God that he wouldn't catch on. God, she wouldn't be able to bear the thought of his reaction if he found out that she was pregnant, she already knew that he would scream, he would curse out Carol and eventually Daryl. Shit, the whole situation was so messed up she didn't even want to think about it. The truck came to a lurched stop, she nodded at Carl and hopped out into the rain. As her hand pushed the door open, her heart fluttered warming her chest slightly, despite the frosty cold from the room. She remembered all the times when Ed and Merle would be playing poker so they would come down here to hide, dance or drink wine and eventually make love in the back of one of the trucks.
Carol glanced out of the window and immediately felt her cheeks go scarlet. The truck they had been using looked a lot like their "sex truck", she guessed that he still had a little bit of sentiment whether he realised it or not. She tightened her eyes, she had an overwhelming feeling of wanting to both cry and laugh out loud at the same time. In the corner of her eye, she could see the old radio sitting on the work bench. She turned and next to it, an untouched Bad Company CD sat there. She let out a weakened smile and searched the area with her eyes.
Merle was nowhere to be seen, so she slipped the CD inside and pressed play.
Sometimes I get a feelin' inside my soul
She remembered Daryl pulling her into the back of the truck and making love to her softly.
She brings me love. Her love's all I need
Carol shut her eyes, but the tears still managed to escape as she remembered.
I never said it earlier but I love you
She remembered Daryl's laugh and his lips pressing up against hers as he told her back;
I know you do
The same way he annoyingly used to, although she knew it was his own way of saying he loved her too. Carol's breath hitched in her throat and her body bent over the radio, shaking softly as she cried. She wished Daryl would tell her he loved her now. This couldn't have been the end, after they'd been through so much and fought so hard it just wasn't fair. Why wasn't he allowed to live? He was a good man and in her life she had met so many disgusting men who didn't deserve to live the way they did. Men like Daryl deserved happiness, they deserved love and they deserved to live their lives being able to forget their scars.
Men like Ed deserved to feel the same amount of pain they had caused other people to feel.
Carol felt as if her heart were about to burst through her chest, so she weakly slammed the radio off and wilted over the work bench, breathing heavily. She couldn't break right now, she needed to go and find Merle. Carol slipped the CD into the pocket and wondered through the room slowly, as she moved deeper in the smell of booze had begun to get stronger and the presence of empty bottles more frequent until she spotted Merle slouched up against the wall, drunk.
He squinted his eyes at her and turned his face away.
Carol pressed her lips together, sighing.
She moved forward through the empty bottles and shoved one hand out attempting to drag him upwards. Slowly, he got to his feet and leaned on Carol sloppily. The smell of cheap booze burned and bubbled inside of her nose, she couldn't stand the smell anymore.
"W-Why the fuck are you helpin' me?" he asked messily.
She dragged him forward, despite her legs shaking with each step.
"Because he's your brother and you need to see him" she huffed. Merle let out a breathy laugh and she wrinkled her nose "You're still a bastard"
He breathed heavily, "You-You aint the same as before"
She rolled her eyes, "You keep telling me that"
Merle smiled maliciously, "That's cause every time I piss you off I see it more an' more" He swallowed sickly, "I still fuckin' hate ya, that aint changin'" he managed to breathe.
"I know Merle, you're just drunk"
Merle nodded, his feet were beginning to get less and less cooperative and she knew it wouldn't be long until he passed out on her, she needed to move quickly. Carol power walked towards the truck, despite her shoulder feeling it was going to be ripped off with Merle's weight. She forced the door open and shoved Merle into the backseat strapping him in tightly. As soon as she made it to the front seat, his snores filled the truck and she felt a moment of relief. At least he'd be silent most of the ride home and she wouldn't have to worry about him trying to fight her.
But as always Carol's dreams didn't come true.
…
It wasn't until they were a few minutes away from the hospital, that Carol heard Merle mumbling sleepily in the back and moistening his lips. As she became stuck behind one car, she glanced up at the mirror to see him slowly sitting up with his eyes batting softly. She watched silently, she could see his head rotating around the truck trying to figure out where he was until his cold blue eyes met her delicate eyes. His mouth curved into an unpleasant smirk and he leaned back in his seat before sticking his feet up against the driver's seat.
"You got anythin' in that itty bitty ol' glove compartment?"
She could feel her eyes rolling back into her head, he was a lot better when he was asleep.
"Like what?"
Merle shrugged, "Coffee or water…somethin' my head is killin' me" he groaned. Carol pulled the glove compartment open sharply and tossed the small water bottle straight into Merle's face. It barely even fazed her when she could hear him angrily muttering that she was a "No good slut"
His strong hands ripped the lid off of the bottle, half of it splattered all over his face while the rest trickled into his mouth. As soon as the bottle was empty, he rolled down the window and hurled it onto the street, giving Carol another teasing smirk.
"So, what the fuck do ya wanna talk about? Yeah I remember, even though I was shit-faced" he stated giving her seat a small kick.
Carol turned to Carl, "Turn up your music" she hissed and he immediately complied. She looked back up at the mirror, "I think we should talk about him"
Merle's smile disappeared, "Talk about my baby brother? What the fuck is there to say?"
Carol took a turn down the street, they weren't far now.
"We need to talk about our options…how things are gonna play out" she sighed.
His eyes darkened, "What do ya mean?"
"You know exactly what I mean" she sighed "If he comes out of this we don't know what condition he'll be in or…or if he doesn't make it, we're gonna have to plan a funeral-"
Merle slammed his feet off of her seat, "Fuck off!"
"Merle we need to talk about this"
"Fuck you! He aint dying…he aint. I aint gonna let some dumb bitch tell me about my brother. I fuckin' raised him myself" his voice softened his time and she could see his eyes drifting to look down at his dirty boots "Mom came home with him, he was so fuckin' tiny. Dad started layin' into her the minute she walked in" he played with his fingers nervously "I took him and he started cryin' so I read Peter Pan to him"
Carol's chest ached. The night before the accident, Daryl had brought the same little book home.
"Pretty much fuckin' took care of him from that moment, Mom did too when she wasn't gettin' beaten or wasn't too drunk but I- I-"he stuttered breathily.
"Merle-"
"Fuck" he breathed bending down "Pull over!"
Carol immediately stomped on the break and halted by the side of the road. Merle, with zero hesitation burst out of the truck and began vomiting messily. He fell to his knees with a thud and sunk his hands into the damp grass. Carol signalled Carl quietly to stay in the truck before jumping out, when she reached his wilted body the vomit had stopped spilling from his mouth but his body was still shaking and despite the rain still attempting to drown them, she could see there were tears leaking from his eyes. She steadily creeped towards him, even though she knew he could lash out at any second.
She smoothened her hand over Merle's back gently, "It's okay Merle" a few words she never imagined herself saying in a million years.
Merle flinched and snapped his head to look at her, his face was beginning to look like a fresh tomato.
"We don't cry. Dixon's don't fuckin' cry"
She shook her head, "You're allowed to cry…I know you want to seem strong but it's okay…"
Merle's shoulders stiffened, she watched his knees slowly straighten up and he moved towards her ominously. She took a threatened step back, in any other situation she would've stood her ground but with her current condition she couldn't risk being slapped by Merle Dixon.
"It aint okay" he snarled through gritted teeth "He's fuckin' dying and you need to stop acting like you know shit about me" he said sternly yet shakily and suddenly he paused, his eyes softened and his lips seemed to tremble. Before Carol knew it, his legs gave way like a demolished building. "He's dying…he's really fuckin' dying" he hissed gruffly.
She kneeled in front of him, "I'm so sorry Merle. But there's still a chance he could be okay…we just have to wait and have some hope….it's been killing me not knowing if he'll live or die and the only thing which has stopped me from breaking is that little bit of hope. Hearing his heart every day on that monitor has helped me keep hope" she half lied, there was no use making a grieving man grieve harder.
"I don't wanna fuckin' lose him he-he's my baby brother for fuck's sake, lil Derlena"
"I don't either…You can hate me for the rest of your life I don't care I just need you now not to cause trouble. We both need to be there for Daryl" she breathed tearfully.
Merle sniffed, "Fine but if he don't make it, I don't wanna see your fuckin' face ever again. You did this" he spat.
"It was both of us. You started it and I worsened it" She snapped weakly "And I can't stay away, because he's my husband!" she spat back with venom, although her stomach twisted into a tight knot.
He narrowed his eyebrows, "The fuck you talkin' about?"
Carol thrust her fingers at him, exposing her shiny rings. Although she knew it was a mistake, Daryl had mentioned that Merle and his father had been after the sapphire engagement ring for years. But, even though it was pushed right up to his face it seemed to barely faze him.
"You can't stop me from saying goodbye a final time and you can't stop me from loving him. Things have changed"
Merle spat a fat blob of spit onto the ground, "It's all bullshit. Just another accident waitin' to happen" he growled getting to his feet "C'mon I aint got all day to see him"
Carol nodded silently and stood up straight, one hand moved to hold her stomach but she quickly removed it and glanced over at Merle, but thankfully he hadn't noticed. He was already sitting in the truck in silence, while his eyes stared out at the passing cars. She sighed a small sigh of relief and hopped into the truck before continuing down the street. She brushed her damp hair with her palm facing upwards, they were so close now and butterflies battled in her stomach. Merle was bad by the side of the road but he was going to be even worse when he caught sight of Daryl asleep with all sorts of tubes and drugs running through him. She sped past the bookstore and sighed to herself.
Only a few more blocks
She wondered if Daryl knew the about the story Merle told her, he must've read the story to Daryl again when he was old enough to remember. Daryl barely mentioned anything about his childhood with Merle, all he really said was he was an asshole, took care of him when he wanted to and was gone a lot of the time when he was older. Carol knew, in his heart he really did love Merle more than anything. She knew that if the time was ever to come, he'd die for Merle. But all of the pain he put Carol through and the pain he subjected other people to was what hurt Daryl. If Merle wasn't so erratic and so hot-headed, she knew things would be much better between them. All Daryl wanted was to love Merle without hating him, to have his big brother back.
The hospital was right ahead of them now,
She just wished things could be simpler.
Carol pulled up in front of the tall hospital, it seemed a lot greyer than it originally did when she left. She quickly hopped out of the truck, with Carl by her side. She turned her neck slightly, Merle was moving quickly too but he seemed to be keeping his distance from her. When he ran, he barely even looked up he mostly had his eyes directed straight at the ground occasionally looking up when he accidentally bumped into a doctor. The three of them raced into the elevator and after a few awkward seconds of waiting for the doors to slide open on the third floor, the race began. They ran to Daryl's room with Carol right in the lead. When suddenly they were stopped in their tracks by Maggie standing outside of Daryl's room with Sophia beneath her arm, Sophia's eyes were scarlet while her lips trembled and she knew something had happened. Her body slowed down along with her heart and she couldn't help but clutch her stomach, she was lost for words.
Carl forced himself away from Carol's side and launched himself at Sophia, almost knocking her over. At first she kept her arms stiffly by her sides, but after a few shaky moments her face crumbled and Carol saw her arms tangle with his before she pressed her face into his shoulder.
"Maggie wha-what's happening?" she asked rigidly.
Maggie's lips curved into a reassuring smile, she slipped one hand onto Carol's shoulder softly. She gazed at Sophia.
"Everything's okay" she reassured "Your daughter was sitting with him, she told us that she felt his fingers moving and saw his eyes were opening. He woke up for a few minutes and seemed alert but he closed his eyes again without saying anything. He didn't see her." She grinned.
Carol covered her mouth to stop herself from screaming out,
"Did Sophia talk?"
Maggie nodded, "In the heat of the moment she screamed my name, she's got a loud voice" she chuckled.
"What does this mean?" she asked nervously. Merle must've knocked her out back by the side of the road, she was going to wake up at any second with a bloody bruise on her face only to find nothing had changed. It all seemed too perfect.
Maggie smiled again, "It's a sign of improvement if we're lucky he might be able to stay awake for longer periods of time. But I think he'll be okay" she beamed before Carol attacked her with a strong hug.
"Thank you" she whispered and Maggie pulled away again,
"But, it may take some time for things to start improving fully. When he's strong enough to go home, we're gonna recommend chemo therapy" Carol nodded biting her lip, Daryl was so uncomfortable with all of this hospital shit she knew it was gonna be a damn war trying to convince him.
"I'll try to talk with him about it. I know he can be stubborn…how long ago did he wake up?"
Maggie shrugged, "A few hours ago I think. I would've called but you didn't have a phone with you. My dad's been checking up on him every hour so far to see if there's a chance he'll wake up again or if there's any serious damage"
Merle suddenly scoffed loudly enough for all of them to turn their heads,
"Of fuckin' course" he snarled, spitting on the clean hospital floor. He left a large yellow-ish blob on the ground and stepped forward.
Maggie moved her hands firmly to her hips and raised her eyebrow,
"Excuse me?"
He wiped his mouth, "You doctors, the minute you see someone gettin' better you make sure they aint better for long. I don't trust ya, let me see my brother!" he snapped. Merle moved his arms out in front of him attempting to push past Maggie, but instead of flinching she took a sharp step to the side and thrust her palm out towards him. Her expression was stone cold, like nothing could cause her to wither not even the raging force of Merle Dixon. Carol stared at her bright green eyes, she knew why. Losing someone you love more than the world changes you, it makes you dangerous. Because when everything you ever cared about and fought to protect gets taken away from you in an instant, you don't have a lot to lose. They couldn't protect the ones they loved but they damn sure could take care of themselves.
Merle stopped in his tracks, a mixture of outrage and confusion planted on his face.
"I'm so sorry for what happened to your father, we tried everything we could but the cancer had spread too much" she pointed at Carol now "You see her? You are not the only person who is dealing with this so get your shit together Merle." She sighed "Your brother tried to save my sister but he couldn't. He tried to save my family so I'll save yours" she said sternly.
Merle glared at her for a few seconds, he gritted his teeth sharply before folding his arms.
"When can I see him?" he asked quietly.
"It should only be a few more moments" she said quietly while looking to Carol and gave her a small approving nod. She knew that if Merle didn't get what he wanted, he would cause trouble and that was the very last thing they needed. She didn't fully blame him though, the look of fear in his eyes, the anger and the sadness, she recognized it all. Carol remembered all of those hellish nights she spent trying to protect Sophia from Ed. Some nights were successes even though it ended with Carol having a black eye or a bloody nose, but at least she was safe. But, those other nights were the ones which caused Carol to hate herself. Some nights all of Carol's screams would be white noise to Ed's ears as he hurt the little girl he was supposed to protect and love. As soon as he was done swinging his brutal hands; sometimes moulded into fists, she would lie on the ground and cradle her petite body wiping away the tears and promising it would be okay, that she would never let anyone or anything ever hurt her again. It wasn't often that he would lay into Sophia, but it when it did happen not even God could stop the bitter anger that built up in her soul. When Carol stared at Merle's eyes, she could see everything she felt on those nights. It was the feeling of failure that no matter how hard they tried, they just couldn't protect the ones they loved most in this world and it killed them.
She saw it in Merle
She saw it in Maggie
She saw it in Hershel
She even saw it in Daryl's eyes. Even though they were back in his arms, she could see he was still blaming himself everyday
And so was she.
The door suddenly creaked open and Hershel appeared with a look of disappointment on his face.
"It might be a while until he wakes up again. It's hard to tell what state he's in"
Merle marched up to Hershel, "Can I see him?"
Hershel immediately looked to Carol and she gave another approving nod.
"Go on in, son" And with few hesitation Merle rushed into the room slamming the door behind him. Carol strolled over to the door and peeked through the window. At first Merle circled around the room, looking up and down at the tubes locking around Daryl's body, after a few moments she watched him sit down and grip his hand before resting his head on his still body. Carol swallowed softly before turning away, she glanced to her right and smiled a little bit at the sight of Carl talking to Sophia, even though she wasn't saying very much back it was good to see her with someone who wasn't infected with their darkness. It was nice to finally see someone smiling for real.
Carol shuffled next to Hershel's side, she could see him smiling through his snow white beard.
"How is he then?"
"It doesn't seem as if he's gotten worse, but it's hard to tell what he'll be like when he wakes up again." He sighed "It may be a while until he can walk stably, he may forget a few things…I think all he needs right now is familiar voices" he stared into Daryl's room, observing the two of them quietly "Merle's erratic and not the most stable person I've ever met, but it's good he's here to help him recover"
Carol nodded, her arms wrapped around herself protectively. She felt a small tap on her shoulder and she glanced up to see Hershel pointing at her tiny bump poking through her vest.
"Does he know?"
Carol wrapped her jacket over herself again, "I thought it'd be better if he didn't know, he was already upset about Daryl I didn't need to upset him with this too." She sighed deeply "He knows we're married though"
She glanced at the window again. She wondered if Merle would even let her anywhere near Daryl considering how protective he was of him. Carol could see the two of them through the window, Merle was speaking to Daryl softly and gripping tightly onto his hand. Even though he was awful, he still seemed to try hard with Daryl to be a good brother and during these times of darkness and depression, that's all Carol wanted from Merle. To be there for Daryl, like he should've been all those years ago.
"I can give him another fifteen minutes" Maggie uttered quietly.
"Don't you think he'll be pissed?"
Maggie shrugged, "I guess…I'm just thinking if Daryl wakes up who do you think he'll be happier to see? I'd just prefer him to be in a comfortable environment for now"
Carol nodded and paused for a second before letting out another sigh,
"I'm gonna go in there…I can't be afraid anymore since, technically we're family" the word family turned bitter on Carol's tongue, being related to Merle wasn't something she would be proud of. Hell, she knew Daryl wasn't exactly proud his brother was the racist, misogynistic asshole who had a reputation for starting bar fights.
Maggie touched her shoulder softly as she leaned into the door,
"Are you sure?"
Carol smiled softly,
"I've got you outside if anything happens" she said before slipping into the room and shutting the door behind her. The door let out a louder noise than Carol had expected and Merle quickly spun his head around to look at her, his eyes were scarlet and his nose was trembling. As soon as he laid eyes on her, he bared his teeth.
"Don't say a fuckin' word! I know" he snapped wiping away the ghostly coloured tears.
Carol nodded silently, she made her way over to the other side of Daryl's body and latched onto his fingers. They felt as cold as a metal pipe, she continued to dance her fingers down his hand, right down to his palm and she tickled it slightly. Carol shut her eyes for a moment, she secretly wished he would tickle her back just to let her know he was still here and not fading.
"He looks peaceful, don't he?" Merle croaked roughly.
Carol rubbed her thumb over his cheek,
"Yeah, he doesn't look like he's seen pain."
Merle held onto Daryl's hand for a moment and squeezed, his cold eyes locked onto Daryl's shut eyes and without breaking his stare he quietly said,
"I don't wanna lose him again"
Carol blinked, "Again?"
Merle breathed in deeply,
"I lost him all those fuckin' times I ended up in jail, I lost him when he met ya, when he ran away…I wanna do right by him" he sniffed "I know he fuckin' hates me and I know I fuckin' hurt him but I'm…I'm sorry" he croaked now gripping onto Daryl's hand. Carol stared in awe, she never thought she'd see the day Merle Dixon apologised. Sure, she knew he wasn't apologising for the shit he did to her but the look of remorse on his face felt as if it were causing time to freeze.
He sighed deeply, "If he don't wake up, he's gonna kick the bucket hatin' me…" he was breaking now "I just want him to know…to make things right…" this time Merle's head was buried into Daryl's hand, the sheets were beginning to drown in his tears. Carol swallowed dryly and riskily crept over to his side of the bed, she slipped one hand over his shaking body and patted it gently. To her surprise, he didn't flinch.
"You know, Maggie told me that when people are in comas sometimes they can hear their surroundings…even if he doesn't wake up you could still apologise now and he'll know" Carol mentioned, even though she knew it was most likely a lie. Merle lifted his head and nodded.
"Jus' don't fuckin' listen in" he growled tearfully and Carol mouthed the word Okay before strolling towards the corner of the room. When she looked back, she could see the brokenness on his face and she felt pity. He had spent his whole life being cruel and cold to anyone who he didn't like the look of and in the end it caused him to be alone. Merle was a vile human being and it wasn't completely his fault. He had been a victim of their father's abuse, just as much as Daryl and the only difference between them was that he was completely alone in all those years. When Daryl had Merle and his mother to turn to after a night of beatings, Merle had to rely on himself, drugs and the endless women he would release himself on. If he had just uttered at least one kind word or had a decent bone in his body, maybe there would be someone for him to go home to and confide in.
Merle sniffed, "I'm sorry I wasn't there for ya when ya needed me. You had to deal with Dad all on ya own when I was in jail or jus' too high on the good stuff to care. I'm sorry you had to take care of me when I was like that. I-I wasn't there for ya when Mom died or when…the bi-when Carol was gone. If I'd fuckin' done somethin' maybe you wouldn't-"he breathed deeply "I'm sorry for screwin' things up for ya but I'm fuckin' here now baby brother. Ya hear me? I'm here and I aint gonna run away again. I'm sorry" his voice shook and shivered while he clung to Daryl's body.
"Merle…" Carol began but he quickly interrupted her.
"We've come a long fuckin' way huh?" he said not looking up "Never thought I'd be sittin' in a hospital room with you as my sister in law." He paused "You can stop foolin'"
Carol raised a single eyebrow, "Fooling?"
Merle groaned,
"I know you're fuckin' knocked up"
Carol's mouth opened immediately in shock but Merle raised his hands silencing her, he rolled his eyes.
"I saw the way you kept protectin' ya belly and the way you hid yourself in that jacket…Dixons aint fools, we're observant"
Carol folded her arms, "And you're not about to burn this hospital to the ground?"
Merle shook his head slowly.
"Nah, I think you're both fuckin' idiots…but if there's another chance of a kid that aint gonna be as fucked up as the rest of us…then I aint gonna get mad" he sighed.
"Thank you" she muttered simply.
Merle surprisingly gave her a small approving nod and squeezed Daryl's hand one final time before pushing himself away from the bed.
"I'll be back in a few days"
"I thought you weren't gonna run away" Carol reminded him bitterly.
Merle threw her a dangerous look,
"I thought I told ya not to listen in. An' anyway I aint runnin' away, I jus' aint sharin' my time and…I got shit to deal with" he paused and pointed a dirty finger at her stomach "I might be supportin' this but I fuckin' stand by what I said before. After Derlena's gone and I know it will happen one day or the next, I never wanna see your face again. You understand?" he growled.
Carol nodded and tightened her fists.
"When I have our baby, I don't want to see you either. As far as she's concerned she only has a Mom and a Dad alive. You understand?" she challenged.
Merle stared at Daryl darkly and uttered the words,
"For now…" before shutting the door behind him. Sometimes she really wanted to tear his head off with her teeth. Carol sighed deeply to herself, she wished with all her heart that things could be normal for once. They could go on family trips, pick out baby names like normal couples, maybe fight over stupid bills or what to watch on TV while they snuggle into each other. Carol could kiss Sophia goodnight and fall asleep on the couch in Daryl's arms. She wanted things to be less complicated, even her damn thoughts were complicated. Part of her knew there was a large chance of Daryl dying while another part still wanted to believe and hope he'd live. Sometimes these two sides went to war inside of her and she never could tell what she was truly thinking or feeling. She stared at Daryl, he had no idea of the shit that was going on around him.
Carol leaned back in the chair and pulled out the small 'Peter Pan' book from her bag, opening it delicately. She held his hand softly, all they could do now was hope and believe. She tickled his fingers.
"I don't know if you can hear me or not, but I just want to make sure you're not afraid or feeling alone. I've got you" she flipped the book open "Your brother told me you used to like Peter Pan…so hopefully you'll like this." She cleared her throat lightly and scanned her eyes across the first creamy page "Wendy, John and Michael Darling live in a lovely house in London. They have got a big, sunny nursery. There are colourful pictures and a big clock on the wall. There are toys here and there. The Darlings are a happy family" Carol smiled to herself, she couldn't imagine Merle reading this.
"Mr Darling and Mrs Darling love their children very much…" her smile faded a little. She wondered if Daryl and Merle envied the children's family in the story, if he ever pretended as he got older that they were his parents as he tried to escape reality. Carol turned another page and just as she was about to read another line, the door creaked open quietly and Sophia stood timidly. She swallowed,
"C-Can I read to Daryl please?" she squeaked. Carol stared at her in surprise and nodded silently.
Sophia inched in next to Carol and took the small book in her own hands, before reading it softly. Carol observed her noiselessly, it had been so long since she had heard her daughter's sweet, soft-spoken voice. It was like a beautiful melody had started playing in her ears. She nudged her softly and flashed a weakened smile, Sophia returned the smile and paused for a second.
"Why did you stop?" Carol asked.
Sophia sniffed, "I'm sorry"
"What for?"
"I stopped speaking…I-I made things worse I'm sorry" she shivered before burying herself into Carol. Carol laughed softly, she let her fingers stroke down Sophia's long light hair and hummed.
"Don't be sorry baby, you didn't make things worse you could never do that"
Colourless streaks appeared on Sophia's cheeks,
"I-I was so afraid and so mad at you, so I just stopped trying. I didn't want anything else to do with you or the world but…but I was being stupid. I should've helped more I couldn't" she cried and Carol held her close, letting her head rest on her shoulder, just like when she was little.
"It's okay baby, I understand-"Carol's words were suddenly cut off by the sound of Sophia's gasp filling the room. She immediately detached herself from Sophia and spun around. Daryl's eyes were fluttering softly like a pair of wings about to take off. His fingers caressed the pale blue sheets gradually until his deep blue eyes finally opened and her heart pounded. His eyes stared up at the ceiling for a few moments and he slowly curved his neck to stare at them. The two of them froze.
"Is this what happened the last time?" she hissed.
Sophia nodded and Carol pressed her lips together softly, she slid away from her seat and delicately tapped her feet across the cold floor as she edged towards him. She slid two fingers out in front of her and into Daryl's hand hesitantly.
"Daryl?"
Daryl tilted his head sluggishly and stared down at her two fingers resting in the centre of his palm. He stared at the sapphire ring shining up at him and locked it into a fist. His lips curved into a faint smile, while he said nothing. Carol's mouth widened into a bright pearly smile, her hand clasped against his, a tear rolling down her cheek.
"Welcome back Pookie" she sniffed.
Daryl licked his lips dryly and managed to say in a very husky voice,
"Guess that nickname is stickin'" he coughed.
"It's okay, you don't need to speak too much" she assured before turning her head back to Sophia "Go and get Maggie"
Without saying a word, Sophia raced out of the room almost slamming the door behind her.
"How are you feeling?" she asked softly.
Daryl cleared his throat, "My ass is numb and I feel like shit" he croaked.
Carol pouted and ran her fingers down his cheek, "I'm sorry"
Daryl stared at her stomach, his hand shakily pressed up against it. She could still see he was scared.
"You grew. How ya doin'?" he asked huskily.
Carol shrugged, "As well as I can"
"How long have I been out?" he asked glancing up at the ticking clock.
She stroked his hair back, "About four weeks, almost five"
"Shit!" Daryl gasped before bending forward and coughing violently. At first Carol thought it would stop after a few moments, but instead he continued to bend over and cling to his chest, she was half surprised he wasn't coughing up blood. Carol quickly leaned forward, her hand smoothened along his back rubbing it softly.
"Breathe Daryl, I've got you" she reassured calmly "Do you need something to help?"
"I don't know, fuck" he choked as tears fell from his eyes. He quickly gripped her hand tightly, "Where the fuck are these doctors?"
"They're on their way, it's okay I'm here" she hissed softly.
"You said Maggie" he wheezed weakly.
Carol nodded glancing back at the door, they needed to get here quickly.
"After what happened, I called Maggie and the two of them transferred up here" she told him quietly.
"Glenn?" he asked, his grip was getting tighter on her hand.
"Maggie told me he got a place up here to be close to her" she began breathing deeply with him "Just breathe and don't speak they'll be here." She imparted quietly, although all she wanted to do was scream for help herself, but she couldn't freak Daryl out like that not after he had woken up less than six minutes ago. He was coughing so much and she didn't know what else to do for him so he wouldn't be in pain, she felt so useless.
Suddenly the door flung open and Hershel and Maggie rushed in through the door. The next few seconds ended up being a giant blur for Carol, one second she was sitting and holding Daryl the next she was being ripped away from his grip by Maggie while Hershel strapped an oxygen mask to his face and instructed him to breathe slowly. She guessed the tubes weren't enough. Daryl slowly calmed down, his eyes stared helplessly up at her as Hershel began examining him.
Maggie's warm hand squeezed Carol's shoulder,
"We should come back in a few minutes, just to let Daddy work in peace"
Carol nodded silently and took one more look at Daryl, his eyes were still locked on her weakly. Carol perked up one last reassuring smile and slipped out of the room with Maggie's hand still on her shoulder.
"Are you okay? I'm sorry we separated you so fast" she apologised twisting her own hair in her fingers. Carol stroked her shoulder back, she could tell this was hard for her.
"I have to be, don't I?" she swallowed, "What's wrong with him?"
"Daddy's just making sure he's okay now and I think he'll put him through for another screening…just in case" she hesitated.
Carol squinted with confusion,
"In case of what?"
Maggie tugged at her hair and bit her lip slightly,
"Just in case…it's spread. I'm a little worried about all that coughing…"
Carol tilted her head backwards and stared at the lights lining up on the ceiling.
"I've got faith in him. He's been like this for four weeks and he's managed to survive on his own without getting worse. I know he needed tubes to help him but…" she sighed "We'll just have to wait and see" She didn't know what the hell she was even talking about anymore.
Maggie nodded, "We should take a walk Carol, it might be a while-"
Carol shrugged Maggie's hand off of her shoulder vigorously.
"No, I'm staying with him until he leaves, I don't care how long I have to wait" Carol stated sternly. She hated being this rude and stubborn with Maggie, but after weeks of not speaking to Daryl she wasn't about to be dragged away from him so easily.
"Okay…at least let me get you a drink and…possibly get you a bed tonight. If there's a spare." Maggie opened her mouth to say something else, but instead she slowly closed her lips and turned her back on Carol, before moving down the corridor speedily. Once she heard the doors swing shut, she simply stared bleakly at his door.
They were so close.
Carol gazed down at her once pale fingers, they were a bright shade of burgundy which reflected Daryl's fear. She wondered if he thought those were gonna be his last moments…
She sighed softly.
Why was it that every time they came close to happiness it was always interrupted by some bullshit? They were so close to finally leaving all of their pain behind them. All of those dark years of abuse, loneliness and depression were meant to turn to dust and fade like old scars because they had each other. Their obstacles had crashed and burned behind them, Ed had been locked away and Merle had been banished, she wasn't even the same woman she was three years ago. And yet, at the end of the day they were still losing. Something in the universe continued to prevent them from resting in each other's arms finally at peace, as if they didn't deserve it. Four Goddamn painful weeks of just sitting there and praying that he'd open his fucking eyes, and she wasn't even allowed to hold him for more than one minute. No matter how much medication he was on, no matter the amount of times he'd be allowed to return home with her after this, she knew they'd just end up right back here blindly hoping for something better. And one day, whether it be a month from now or a year from now, she would be leaving the hospital alone with her heart shattered into two. He was so stubborn and she knew in the end he'd try to keep fighting even when he wouldn't be able to anymore. She knew he would be afraid, no matter how much he'd try to deny it.
Carol pressed her palm against the glass as she watched Hershel standing over Daryl and speaking to him as he toughly looked up. Even when things were going to shit, he tried to look tougher than he actually was.
She blinked slowly.
But despite the universe declaring war against them, they were gonna keep surviving together. The odds were against them, but that wasn't going to stop them. They were gonna love each other, watch each other's backs and take care of each other until the very end. And when that awful day finally arrived, she was gonna be there holding his hand and making sure he knew he was going to be fine. That she was gonna be fine.
She bit her lip.
Carol hoped with everything inside of her that that day wouldn't come too soon, but when it did she needed to be strong. Not just for her, but for him.
A nurse gently brushed past Carol, she was pushing a wheel chair carefully into his room. Daryl stumbled clumsily as Hershel eased him slowly into the chair before being wheeled out. As soon as he scraped Carol's jacket, his hand immediately latched onto hers. He gazed up above his oxygen mask and she rubbed his thumb delicately.
"I'm here now"
Daryl smiled through the mask and pulled it down for a moment.
"Good to have ya back…my girls" he croaked out.
Carol returned the smile nervously, "We're not gonna leave you. We're here until the end" she reassured breathily.
He stroked her hand, "I know" he said softly. She glanced down noticing his laboured breathing and quickly strapped the mask back over his face.
"Focus on staying alive" she laughed playfully. Daryl nudged her softly and suddenly they were through a new set of doors. The same nurse from before suddenly pulled Carol away and her hand slipped out of his, causing a small spark of panic in her chest as she watched Daryl disappear behind two heavy doors. Before she could protest, Maggie appeared with the glass of water in her hand, she carefully smoothened Carol away from the doors.
"Can't I go in with him?" She asked panicked.
Maggie wrapped one comforting arm over her as she shook her head.
"I'm sorry, the radiation won't be good for the baby" she frowned. "It'll be okay, he shouldn't be too long."
As Carol stared at the silver doors separating her and Daryl all she could do was nod.
…
Carol stared up at the clock ticking away in Daryl's room as he lay there, thankfully without a mask for once. It was 8pm and she could feel Daryl's fingers running up and down her arm playfully, begging her to pay attention to him. She smiled to herself, time was actually beginning to feel like it existed again.
"You doing okay?" she asked turning to look at him.
"Doin' a lot better now" He smirked locking his fingers with hers.
"Did they say why you were breathing like that?" she asked concerned.
Daryl shrugged, "Hershel said he's gotta look over my scan but Maggie thinks the coughin' mixed with my 'shortness of breath' is what caused the shit storm" Daryl smiled at her sleepily and stared down at their hands, "I thought I was still in that damn bathroom. One second I was on the floor chokin' to death with you, the next I was here."
Her lips twitched, "I thought I was gonna lose you"
Daryl carefully sat up and wrapped his protective arms over her,
"You aint ever gonna lose me that easily" he smirked. His eyes directed down to her tiny bump, "You know what it is yet?" he asked dryly.
Carol shook her head, "I'm not far enough to know but I think it'll be a girl. It's just a feeling" She smiled.
"I'll be there for her" he promised. "She won't have to see me like this" he glanced behind Carol into the corridor. Sophia was sleeping in the waiting area on Carl's shoulder. "Kind of wish she didn't have to see me like this either, that lil girl has seen too much shit"
Carol stroked her hair back,
"I know…after your accident she shut down for a while. She just stopped speaking" She shook her head as she rubbed her face "She's too young to be so sad. It breaks my heart".
Daryl held her close, "When I get out of here we should go somewhere jus' the three of us for a lil while. I'm tired of this medical shit" he sighed "I'm tired of being so damn sick all of the time" he glanced down at Carol's bump again "At least I aint bleedin'" he grinned.
"You can thank Hershel, he cauterised your nose so you won't for a while"
Daryl smiled, "I was gettin' too used to seein' blood" he paused for a second and pressed his lips softly against Carol's cheek "I didn't get to see enough of ya"
Carol cupped his face in her hands and pecked his nose with her lips.
"I got plenty of time to see you, I barely moved"
"What about your job?" he stopped "Did ya see that asshole Axel again?" he sniffed angrily.
"I'm on a long break and according to Tyreese he resigned. I guess he couldn't take being near me anymore".
Daryl stroked her warm cheeks softly, "Sorry, shouldn't have brought him up"
Carol shrugged, "He's in the past now. I'm only focusing on you, Sophia and the baby"
His hands slid away from her cheeks and to her soft, silver hair.
"As long as I got ya, everythin' will be less shitty"
Carol smiled up against him and slowly pushed herself away from his warm embrace.
"You should get some sleep, so we can have more time tomorrow"
Daryl scoffed, "I've been sleepin' a damn month I wanna spend time with ya" he frowned.
"Not now Pookie" she smirked.
Daryl raised an eyebrow, "Alright. I'll only sleep if you sleep with me" he smirked as he stuck one hand out towards her, his fingers wiggling slightly as he waited.
"I don't want to accidentally pull something out"
Daryl shrugged, "I'll yell for help"
Carol hesitated for a moment, until finally she let out a small breath and locked her fingers with his and allowed him to pull her forward. As soon as her butt had made it to the mattress, he suddenly pulled her backwards into his strong arms and hugged her close, allowing the two of them to fall backwards delicately. Carol rolled onto her side to face him, she stared into his deep indigo eyes and brushed her fingers through his silky brown hair. The corner of his mouth curved into a gentle smile as he tucked his thumb behind her ear lightly and slowly lured her face in close before he swept his lips over hers. The warm kiss sent chills down Carol's spine, it had been so long. Too long.
"I love you" She breathed against his lips. "I just wanted you to know"
Daryl slid his hand away from Carol's face and placed on the mattress, his palm facing up. Carol embraced his hand with hers and he closed his fingers, one thumb circled over her wedding ring as he stared up at her. He pulled her close and muttered quietly,
"Of course I know" he kissed her again "I'll always fuckin' love ya"
Carol cuddled in closer to his warmth, a small smile planted on her face.
"Good night, Daryl"
"Night" he smiled one more time, their fingers staying intertwined as they drifted off to sleep.
Peacefully and in love.