"The pain comes from knowing that we have never been safe, and therefore will never be safe again. It comes from knowing we can never be so ignorant again. It comes from knowing we can never be children again. Losing innocence. Remembering heaven. That was the essence of hell." - John Jakes
Chapter 11: De Morte Lilium (part 2)
Jude's eye lids fluttered open, adjusting to the light in the room. She had just realized that she had fallen asleep. She gathered her book from the floor and checked the time, learning that she was already an hour late for work. At this point though, she didn't care. It was a dumb job in retail, with a newly appointed manager whom she thought would be better off picking up the trash off the sides of the roads. She was meaning to quit anyways.
With her things gathered, she stood and looked over to Mary Eunice for a moment. She had been there for about five hours, and four of them were spent sleeping. Hopefully, Mary Eunice had gotten the entire five. She was also hoping that she wasn't going to be upset when she woke up to find that she was alone.
As quietly as she could, she exited the room. As soon as she got out into the hall, Arthur passed her, carrying a box. She was surprised that he didn't say anything to her. Usually when he would find her here, he would tell her that she shouldn't be here or that he could get her kicked out if she did anything wrong. He was preoccupied today.
Instead of just letting it go, she decided that she had some time to waste. "What? No threat today?" she quipped, catching up to him.
"I quite honestly don't care what you do anymore Jude," Arthur replied, trying to get rid of her. He had more important things on his mind right now. More disturbing things. He was trying to fathom how this sweet, innocent girl could cut him in a spot where it could be considered murder attempt. She cut him on purpose. Even if he was the one grabbing for the knife, he could see it in her eyes that she was just waiting for the right moment.
He never got back the Mary Eunice that he had lost. She was still gone, permanently gone. It was that very action that made him see how much of a fool he was to even think that he had a chance of getting her back, ever. It hurt him more than anything though. It was a harsh slap in the face.
Jude stopped for a second, almost feeling sorry for him. "I heard what happened today," she announced.
Arthur momentarily froze before slowly turning back to her. "Then why do insist on seeing her?" he bitterly implored.
"I thought you were a doctor," Jude responded.
"What do you mean?" he asked. He didn't care for the stabs and snubs right now. He was more interested in what was going on with Mary Eunice. He needed to know.
Jude sighed. "She feels guilty as it is, she hasn't slept. How do you think you would react?" she explained.
Arthur shook his head. "No, this was different. I can tell the difference between Mary Eunice and that thing that was in the office with me. Trust me, we've lost her for good," he flatly stated before turning and continuing on his way.
Jude stood there, wondering if maybe she was the foolish one. As much as she hated to admit it, Arthur would know what he was talking about here. He did know Mary Eunice. He saw every little change that occurred in her personality.
She could easily tell when it was Mary Eunice, that was for sure, but back there, she herself wasn't so sure. She wasn't evil, just weird. Maybe she was giving up on fighting, maybe it was the devil just trying to play with their heads.
Hopelessness suddenly washed over her, making her wonder if there was ever any real chance of helping the girl. She wasn't upset about the time she had wasted, nor was she upset about the times that the real Mary Eunice came to her. What she was upset over, was the fact that everyone around her was paying for their sins, but no one was getting rewarded for being good.
She had just seen Kit, she learned about what happened, how Grace was murdered. In her mind, she wasn't so sure that Grace had deserved to die, but she was aware of the fact that she died the same way that she killed her family. She herself was put through hell after putting others through it her entire life. Arthur who had killed many people was suffering alone. Even when Mary Eunice was still herself, she could see it in his eyes that he wished things were different.
Grace was paying at the expense of Kit's happiness though, and Arthur at the expense of Mary Eunice's soul. Then there was Timothy who was getting ready to become Cardinal of New York.
Now, it all came down to more faith than anything. Not just religion, but in the world itself. Her very own life and existence. It just didn't make sense to her. It all revolted her.
Bad people pay for their sins and the good people suffer right along with them while another portion of the bad people get rewarded. Even in the case of Lana and Oliver. Lana went through hell, but she still left here, alone. No one to go back to, no one to talk to. Oliver didn't have to rot in jail. He was killed, he was freed from his misery.
Jude recalled how when she was younger, she used to think that everything was fair. She had the idea that bad people got punished and good people got rewarded. It was a simplistic, but comforting theory. Even as she got older, she managed to hold a little faith in it. The evidence was right there in her very life. She hurt a girl and her life was falling apart, she then becomes a nun and things start to get better for her.
It wasn't until she was a patient that reality hit her as hard as it did. Bad things happened regardless. There was no reason for anything.
"Jude?"
Jude was brought out of her thoughts as she turned to see Mary Eunice poking her head out of her door. "What's wrong?"
"The baby's here," Mary Eunice nervously announced. There was no way that she was ready for this. Sure, she was happy to get rid of it, but at the same time, she was going to see her baby for the first time, actually meet it. That, she knew she couldn't handle.
Jude just sighed. "Just go back to bed. I'll go get Doctor Arden," she instructed before heading down the hall. She wanted to be able to talk to him alone.
Jude made it to the end of the hall and waited for him. There was no need to go further than she had to, not here where she could get caught.
"Arthur?" she called once he got back upstairs.
Arthur paused, seeing the concern in her eyes. He might not have liked her, but there was some curiosity. "What?" he coldly questioned.
"Do you realize that that baby Mary Eunice is carrying is evil?" she questioned. "I mean, do you really know?"
Arthur sighed. Why not? With everything else that had gone on here, he wasn't so sure that it was hard to believe anything anymore. "What do you want me to do about it?" he curtly responded.
Jude shrugged. She wanted to say kill it, but she couldn't bring herself to say it. Arthur caught on though. Instead of questioning it or arguing, he just nodded. His eyes went down to the ground. This was something that was going to be a bit difficult for him too.
"She's in labor now," Jude finally announced.
"Fine," Arthur sighed. "Let's go get this over with," he said.
Jude just watched for a moment as he walked towards Mary Eunice's room. She wondered if he even cared about anything anymore.
oooooo
Mary Eunice howled in pain. Jude was by her side. This was Mary Eunice now, and only Mary Eunice. A young girl that needed her right now.
Jude stood there, one hand on her shoulder and the other being tightly gripped by the nun. She watched with sympathy as she watched the tears stream down her face. She had been in there with her for six hours now.
Mary Eunice was finally able to relax again as the contraction ended. "How much longer should this take?" she breathily implored.
"Depends," Arthur casually answered as he checked her progress.
Mary Eunice slightly lifted her head and looked to him with desperation. "Will I be all right?" she questioned, a genuine fear present in her voice.
"Probably."
Jude looked between Mary Eunice and Arthur. She could see how much Mary Eunice needed him. How she was trying to find some comfort in his words. "You'll be fine," she promised before letting go of her hand and starting off towards the door.
"Please don't leave!" Mary Eunice begged.
"Don't worry, I'll be right over here!" Jude responded. She then looked over to Arthur. "May I please see you a moment?" she requested.
"No," Arthur said as he pretended to be busy with something.
Jude sighed. "Doctor Arden!" she snapped.
"Listen Jude," Arthur started, looking over to her. "You may have forgotten, but you are not in charge here anymore. No one here has to listen to you. As a matter of fact, I can have you kicked out of here," he explained.
"If you haven't forgotten, I know exactly where your files are that Sister Mary Eunice retrieved. Now come over here before she needs you again," she warned. There were a lot of things that Mary Eunice had told her over the past few months.
Arthur sighed and gave into her demand. "What is it?" he asked as he approached her. He had no problem making it obvious that he thought he was wasting his time talking to her.
"What is your problem?" Jude hissed, her eyes narrowed on him.
"If you haven't noticed, little miss innocence over there is having the Monsignor's baby. You really should be more upset with her and Father Howard than you should me," he replied.
Jude just stood there, shaking her head at his ignorance. "Are you really that blind doctor? You couldn't see that that was someone different? Or is your ego just that sensitive that any minor blow causes you close up and act like a stubborn child?" she inquired.
"Your ignorance baffles me. You believe her mere performance, most likely just an act to get us to do whatever she wants. All this time she has gone out of her way to get what she wants, to hurt those around here. And now you expect me to go over and act like I care about her? I don't think so," he venomously informed her.
Jude just smirked, disgusted with his attitude. "My ignorance? How about we step back and take a look at your's? That girl over there always defended you, always stuck up for you, and supported you. I never knew if it was just because she didn't know what you were doing or if it was because she truly admired you, but either way she never believed me when I would mention that you could be evil. She would tell me that even if you were up to something, that it had to have been something that could help the human race," she coldly stated.
"She was loyal to you for reasons that I will never understand. Now you're telling me that she was mean to you once and you decide to turn your back to her?" she implored, her voice rising.
Arthur narrowed his eyes down on her, disbelieving that she could possibly pass any judgment on him. "You don't know what she's done to me," he argued. He wasn't talking about the mere actions that the nun performed, but rather the life she stole from him. The glimmer of hope that he gave her. She was the only source of true innocence that he had in his life. It was beautiful, and it was pure. Something he had been longing for. Now, he had nothing.
"The only reason you weren't kicked out of here is because of her, because everyone trusts her when she says that someone isn't evil," Jude revealed to him. "I just want you to think of that while she's scared and needing your help while you're off pouting about something that she didn't even have control over. Because you know damn well that if she did have a choice, if she were in the right state of mind, she would have never hurt you," Jude spat before turning back and hurrying off to Mary Eunice.
Arthur just stood there, watching as Mary Eunice began to have another contraction. He had to get back over there. That baby could be born any minute.
He returned and resumed his position, checking to see how far along she was. "All right," he began. "On the next one, I'm going to ask you to push," he instructed.
Mary Eunice relaxed and looked between him and Jude. "I'm not ready," she softly cried.
"I'm here, you'll be fine," he assured her.
Mary Eunice offered him a soft smile. Jude nodded in approval. She then transferred her attention back to her.
The next few contractions came and went, each time, both Jude and Arthur offering words of comfort and encouragement. It was really all they had to offer at this point.
Once the baby was finally born, Arthur made sure that everything was fine and cut the cord. It felt like a huge waste of time though. He knew of the plan, kill the baby. He even knew that he would end up being the one to murder it.
After everything that had happened, and the fact that this baby was only going to cause pain to the one he used to admire, he wasn't so sure it completely bothered him. This baby was the reason that he had been hurt so badly, this baby was part of the reason why his innocent Mary Eunice was taken away from him.
"What's taking him so long with the baby?" Mary Eunice implored.
Jude, who was sitting beside her, looked to her, pity in her eyes. She couldn't bring herself to say anything.
Mary Eunice looked up to her. This was a different woman than the one that she had looked to around a year ago. Even if Jude wouldn't have changed, she would still have seen her as a different woman. Everyone and everything was different to Mary Eunice now. She herself had completely changed, and no one seemed to quite understand that yet. "I know you're going to kill her," she announced with tears in her eyes. "I just want to see her first."
"No you don't," Jude urged. "The last thing you need is to get connected to that baby. What he has over there isn't even really your baby anymore anyways. It's basically a lifeless body inhabited by the evil that violated you," she explained, hoping to persuade her.
"I've been with that baby for nine months now! I'm already attached. Now please! Just let me see her once," she begged, fresh tears rimming her eyes. She knew it was a girl. From the moment she conceived it, she knew.
Jude looked up to Arthur who was really just trying to wait until Mary Eunice fell asleep to do anything. "Doctor Arden?" she called. Mary Eunice did deserve to see the baby if she wanted to, after all, it wasn't like she could be hurt anymore than she already was.
Arthur turned to her with the baby in his arms. Sighing, he walked over and handed the infant to its mother. He didn't think this was a good idea either, but he wasn't about to argue. All he wanted was to get this over with.
Mary Eunice looked up to the two. "May I please have a minute alone?" she hoarsely requested.
Jude and Arthur exchanged glances before obliging and leaving the room for a moment.
Mary Eunice waited until they had completely left the room before taking a deep breath and looking down to her baby girl. She was nestled in her arms, sleeping. She looked innocent, and helpless. She couldn't bare to think of what she truly was. She was trying her hardest to remain calm, but she couldn't. The tears of pain and regret had just begun.
"I'm so sorry," she whispered. Looking at her, she thought back on how she felt throughout the possession. How everything she did brought her closer to the darkness, and it scared her. She hurt those she loved, destroying lives. She was happy being innocent and naïve and now that was all gone, only to be replaced by the guilt.
This baby, if she did live, would only know that. She would only grow to know the feeling of guilt. She would have no life worth living. Mary Eunice had to keep reminding herself of that.
Her hands shifted to grasp the baby's neck. Her crying intensified. "I'm sorry!" she cried out, her grip getting tighter and tighter. The thoughts racing through her head. Memories going back to how she raped the Monsignor, how she framed Jude for the murder, and how she hurt Arthur. The feeling of hopelessness closing in on her. The constant suffering and agony.
The baby's skin began to turn blue as her eyes were bulged open, staring up to her. The baby wanted so badly to cry. Mary Eunice had to close her eyes to continue. After a moment, she opened her eyes to see her dead daughter laying in her arms.
With quivering lips, she leaned in and kissed her forehead. "I love you," she whispered before dropping her head and uncontrollably sobbing over her infant.