A/N: I don't own GG or Sweet Talk Radio...
What is it, keeps me returning
To questions I ask
My paper heart has been burning
Since you threw a match
I can't quit a habit like you dear
Cold, as they say
Something about how you live here
I wanna live that way
But I don't wanna take something
That never was mine
Or fill in blank spaces
With more dotted lines
One thing I can promise
When all the smoke clears
Just look in this window
You'll find me here
"Dotted Lines"
Sweet Talk Radio
"I love you."
The silence was deafening. It was slowly strangling her. She tried to catch her breath by carefully inhaling to fill up her lungs but each time it was as if there was no air.
The words hung above them as if held by a hangman's noose and the silence left Blair waiting for the floor to drop out, silently praying for the end of the torture, whichever direction it would go.
An eternity passed.
The air that she longed to breathe was crushing her as the bile rose in her throat and tears prickled her eyelids.
She dared not move, dared not break the tenuous silence that her words had ushered in.
Blair had brought this on her self and she would bear the consequence with all the dignity she could muster.
She would stay until he forced her out-out of the penthouse, out of his heart.
His breathing had remained steady the entire time. She was too scared to hazard a glance in his direction, afraid that whatever she saw there would break her heart.
Because she had done this to him, to them.
As she lay there next to him on a bed that felt more like home than her own ever had and maybe ever would, she knew exactly how Marie Antoinette must have felt as she awaited her execution. But the guillotine had nothing on what Blair had built for herself. Antoinette lost her head, while Blair, with the blow Chuck could deliver, would assuredly lose everything, at least everything that mattered.
"I love you, too," came his strangled words, ragged and barely above a whisper.
They were the words she had longed to hear.
At least that's what she had thought until they had fallen from his lips sounding more like a cry of pain than a joyous declaration.
And suddenly they weren't the words she had wanted. They no longer constituted the best possible scenario. They were, in fact, symbolic of the worst. She wanted to rewind time and change her prayer and ask for anything but those words.
The tears she had been fighting silently streamed down her cheek and she quickly wiped them away.
Bear your consequences, Waldorf, she silently scolded herself.
"But," she questioned carefully, unmoving from her place beside him.
She could feel his body tense at the single syllable.
"But," he began, his voice steady now, "I can't do this anymore."
She had been wrong before. This is what it felt like to not breathe. This is what it felt like to die.
Because she was dying without him; slowly losing everything that had made her Blair Waldorf.
"You're done?" she whispered into the stillness.
He didn't answer right away and that was fine with Blair, she used the time to steel herself for his reply.
He took several deep breaths.
"No," he said calmly.
And she could breathe again because whatever he had to say, it didn't mean he was done with them.
She tilted her head slightly, now able to look at him without the fear consuming her. She took in his prominent jaw line and his strong cheekbones as he continued to stare at the ceiling and her fingers longed to touch him.
His lips entranced her as he opened them, slowly moistening his lips with his tongue as he began to speak again.
"I'm done with the back and forth, all of the games, the gossip. I can't do it."
"What are you saying," Blair murmured, her eyes focused intently on the tightening of his jaw, as she tried to understand.
Warily he slanted his head so that he could return her gaze.
"It means that I want to be with you," he said gently, "but it's not the right time."
He looked back at the ceiling for a moment and closed his eyes purposefully.
"I don't want to mess this up," he said firmly.
"But I love you," Blair cut-in, not understanding where he was going with this.
"And I love you," he said, his voice filled with quiet confidence as he turned to regard her again, "Always have."
"Always will," she finished with the same confidence though her features were timid.
"And look where that got us," he said, as he turned back to the ceiling.
"But, Chuck," Blair pleaded.
"We have things we need to deal with before we get back together," he implored softly.
"Dan and I are done," she interjected and she couldn't help but notice how he flinched at the mention of the Brooklynite.
He shook his head softly, "That's not what I'm talking about."
"Serena and I are," she began but knew it would be a lie if she said they were fine. "Well we will be fine."
"Blair," he begged quietly.
"What?" she cried in frustration, "What else do I need to deal with? I'm not running away. I'm here asking for what I want. There is nothing else. There is no one else."
She eyed him carefully as he lay there. His eyes were shut, his Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed deeply and she waited for him to share whatever it was that he felt was holding them back.
His voice wasn't even a whisper when he finally spoke.
"We weren't the only thing that was lost in the accident, Blair."
Her eyes closed immediately as her heart dropped to her stomach and her hand slowly reached down to finger the fabric of her blouse that covered her midsection.
The baby.
She shook her head softly in denial keeping her eyes squeezed tightly.
"It's fine," she promised, "I'm fine."
She knew the words were a lie as soon as she said them.
So did he.
"I don't believe you," he whispered.
"Because I'm not fine," he continued, his voice full of emotion. "I'm not over it."
She felt the tears begin to well in the corner of her eye.
"I may not have been the," he paused as his voice cracked.
"I may not have been the father of your baby…but I loved it, Blair. From the moment you said you were pregnant, I loved that baby. We were going to be a family, Blair. And then we were nothing. And I'm not over that. I wanted your baby. I wanted that life."
And the dam broke.
Everything she had been running from was here; it was now. The tears poured down her face like torrents from heaven. Her body wracked with sobs. Her hands shook. Her insides ached and she felt as if she had been physically cracked-split open. She didn't bother erasing the tears from her cheeks, couldn't be bothered with how she looked because she had lost too much. She had lost everything and it was all her fault.
The tears came from a place deep within her heart that had been mourning the child in silence for months. A place that wanted nothing more than to curl up in the arms of the man that shared her loss and bury her sorrows in her shoulders because with him, she could be weak because his love made her stronger.
"Me too," she choked out, unable to say anything else, unable to breathe.
She tried not to see the images that floated through her mind. Those brief moments from when she had imagined that life. That life that had included him and her and the baby, their baby. Because as soon as he had said those words, that he would love her baby, father or not, she'd known that the baby somehow belonged to him, even if it wasn't through biology.
But she couldn't get caught up in those thoughts because nothing would change what had happened. She couldn't go back and fix it, didn't know how to fix it even if she could.
So she had suppressed the grief and the memories and the plans. But the guilt was another story, not easily buried. The feeling that it was all her fault; that it was her selfishness that had brought on the loss, suffocated her.
She knew with certainty that Chuck was right.
"So," she began, her voice shaky and unsure, "I'll deal with…that. But where does that leave us? Because I love you." She paused for a moment, because she wanted him to know she meant it-that he meant more to her than words could ever convey. So she sat up and waited for him to open one caramel colored orb and then the other.
"I love you," she said, emphasizing each word as she reached down to slowly caress his cheek. His eyes closed at the contact and he let out a strangled sigh.
"I love you," she repeated, "So where does that leave us?"
"You just," he paused, "you just love me." His eyes opened slowly as he took her hand from his face and clasped it between his as he sat up to face her.
"You just love me without being with me."
Blair shook her head in denial as fresh tears began to form.
"Blair, I have loved you in some way and in every way for five years, most of which we weren't together."
"So why waste the time?"
"Because getting it right isn't a waste," he whispered, his eyes capturing hers.
"There is no one that I'll ever love as much as I love you," she pleaded. "No one else I'll ever want. How can I love you and not be with you?"
He momentarily reveled in her words, feeling like a man who had been lost in the desert and had just found an oasis.
But she needed to do more than tell him how she felt and they both needed to come to terms with the loss of her baby.
They could never be happy otherwise.
"We'll figure it out."
"How do you know? How can you be sure? What if-What if it changes? What if-"
"I love you," he whispered, "Always have."
"Always will," she finished for him.
"We won't let it change."
"I'm scared."
"Me too."
Blair leaned back into the bed, her hair splayed around her. Chuck leaned back and softly joined her as they both stared at his ceiling. Both knew that at some point Blair would have to leave but neither were quite ready.
Taking a deep breath, Blair slowly sought out his warm hand with her own and grasping it gently, she slipped her fingers over top of his, slowly twining hers through and squeezing softly. She hoped the action would say all the words that she couldn't muster, that it would speak all of the feelings she didn't know how to voice.
Lazily, Chuck flipped their hands so they were now palm to palm, staring at them in wonder as his larger hand dwarfed her smaller, daintier one. He shifted his fingers ever so slightly so that their hands were clasped together and gently began to rub his thumb against her hand.
This is how forever must feel like, Chuck thought.
It must have been forever that they lay like that, hand in hand, heart in heart, side by side.
Somehow they both knew at the same moment.
Sitting up carefully, they remained joined together by their hands, though the gesture felt more like clinging at the moment. Carefully Chuck paused to pick up both of Blair's shoes and they walked steadily, solemnly to the door and stood for innumerable moments.
Once they let go, it'd be the start. The start that they both needed but the start they both feared as well. The chance that they could fail was stifling. They both knew that they had failed so many times together and neither knew how they would survive if it happened again. Because this time, it would be the end. There would be no more trying.
"I miss you already," she whispered softly.
"I miss you always," he replied.
She felt his hand loosen around hers and instinctively clung tighter. She wasn't ready to let go. Instead of releasing her, though, he pulled her closer and wrapping his arm around her waist, he brought her to his chest and buried his face in her hair. Her tears soaked his shirt as they toppled from her eyes but she didn't dare release her hold to wipe them away.
After a few moments, she felt tears trickle down her neck and she felt his shoulders begin to shake. At this, she tenderly pushed herself back, just enough to look at his face. His eyes were closed as she softly brought her hand to his cheeks and brushed away the tears. Slowly he opened his eyes, brown met brown and she knew.
Knew that she could do it, that they could do it.
Standing on her tip toes and she pressed a kiss to his cheek breathing in his scent, memorizing the feel of him against her mouth. Slowly she leaned back, took her shoes from his grasp and hastily walked to the elevator. As she reached the opening, she slowly turned again, gave him a half smile as she backed into the elevator, unable to turn away.
They held each other's gaze until the doors slid closed and then remained frozen, neither knowing quite what to do with their new beginning.
A/N: A beta would be loved...and reviews are loved even more ;)