Disclaimer: I don't own HP & Co.
Author's Note: A HUGE thanks to snaplappl21, holabitches100, Blue-Eyed Chica, e.jameson, Sarah, Shadowrayne, Amanda, shetlandlace, Kayarin, AnitaPotter, Bec, Evilgal, IHeartJamesPotter, Grace Potter Evans, BlAcKdAuGhTeR, JelloStix, Jennifer, leonidus, Anime Wildfire, gitgit, searchingforstories, CelloguyX, DolphinDreamer24-7, snitch-bewitch, teepirategirl, youna, oldestof3, WerewoldWitch, TaylorxxSue, flowerypetal, Miss Sammi Potter, pippapear, hpotterfan2047, Bighead Enterprises, R.L.N Tonks, AnnieM, Just Call Me Mrs Lupin, Blair.The.Adorable, callie258, buttonbit, SuprSmartChic, Romancing Hogwarts x3, Katie, mika-pali, IhaveaRANDOMsister, An Aspiring Author, and xSecretEvansx for reviewing! You less than ten percent of my readers who actually review are awesome!
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James paced the room. This was too much, way too much. He had just spent the past two hours reading and rereading Lily's letters. She had confessed everything to him, from why she couldn't walk down the aisle to her childhood dreams to her never ending love for him. She had promised that she would never stop loving him and after just one week at St. Mungo's, James knew it was true.
How was he supposed to react though? Was he even reacting like a normal person? At the moment, all James could think of was Lily's letters. He was confused by them. They had just turned his life upside down. After all, he had spent the past two and half years bitterly hating Lily Evans for leaving him. He could clearly remember a time when the pure thought of her made him vomit because it always led to thinking about their almost wedding day.
At the same time though, he had spent one week with amnesia in her company. At that time, he simply thought of her as a beautiful, smart, funny, and kind Healer. In fact, he thought she was perfect. Just days prior, James had been looking forward to her long visits in his room. He had dreamed about her admired everything about her.
How was he supposed to find a balance between the two? How was he supposed to sort out everything he was feeling inside? He was just too torn. There was a part of him that still held the bitter thought of Lily, but another part that told him he had kept her possessions stored under his bed for a reason.
Why couldn't it have been simple? If only Lily hadn't been his Healer! In that case, he would have never gotten to relearn everything about her from their Hogwarts days, he would have never opened the letters she had sent him two and half years ago, and he would have never been this confused.
Then again, his gut told him that maybe it was a good thing that Lily had been his Healer. Maybe this was like a second chance, but for whom? For him or for her? Better yet, did it matter?
Women! They were just too confusing. Now Quidditch, that was simple; there are rules and if you break them the other team gets to take a penalty shot or you get ejected from the game, no exceptions. But women, no, no, no, they are different. The rules are different for every woman. Lily didn't walk down the aisle, does that mean she's out, ejected from his life or is it just a penalty?
And now she's here telling him that she'll never stop loving him. But what does that really mean? Will she love him but leave him again? She claimed to have always loved him, but couldn't marry him. Yes, they were younger then and James fully understood that he might have pressured her into getting married too soon, but would she leave him again? And that is why women should be more like Quidditch, James thought to himself. If they were, he wouldn't have this problem to begin with.
Sighing, James grabbed the empty bottle of firewhiskey and walked out to his sad excuse for a kitchen. He tossed it in the trash and grabbed another bottle. He needed a drink; his head was hurting from all the confusion about Lily.
As if there was some greater power knowing that James needed a break, the doorbell rang almost instantly. With the bottle still in hand, James opened it, revealing Sirius.
"It's one o'clock in the afternoon," Sirius commented, nodding toward the bottle of firewhiskey.
"Shut up," James lazily replied.
"What's with the bottle anyway?" Sirius asked. "Something up?"
"No," James lied. However, once he saw the doubtful look on his best mate's face, he confessed, "I spent the past two hours looking at a box of Lily's stuff and reading those letters she sent me."
"And?"
"I dunno."
"And it's driving you to drink at one o'clock in the afternoon," Sirius stated.
"This is my second," James said. "It's not drinking, it's just a beverage."
Sirius gave him a look, but didn't say anything more on the subject.
"She's just so confusing," James said. "I don't know what to do. She told me she'd never stop loving me, in her letters. And, well, I think she meant it. When I was at St. Mungo's, I felt something different when I was around her and she spent so much time with me. I kissed her too. But am I just going mad or something?"
"Probably," Sirius replied, helping himself to raid James's cupboards for food. He found an unopened bag of potato chips and helped himself to it. "But aren't we all when it comes to women?"
"You're not helping."
"Well, what do you want me to say?" Sirius asked. "Do you still fancy her?"
"I, I don't know," James answered.
"You either do or you don't," Sirius stated.
"It's not that easy."
"Then maybe you don't fancy her," Sirius said.
"But, she's, she's Lily," James sighed.
Sirius sighed and surveyed his best friend. "Okay, listen. I've seen her a couple times over the past couple years, before last week." He saw James's confused look and added, "Not intentional, but at Diagon Alley. Anyways, she wasn't the same Lily from Hogwarts. She put on a pretty good act, but it's still not her. When you were in St. Mungo's, well, that was the Lily Evans I knew at Hogwarts."
"She still likes me," James stated, even though he had already known the answer.
"Do I look finished?" Sirius asked before continuing, "I also know that even though she was miserable after not marrying you, for the past two and half years, I haven't forgiven her for it. It doesn't matter how upset she was, because you're my best mate. That's why I didn't want her to be your Healer. I wouldn't ever forgive her for what she did unless you forgave her."
"I know that."
"But I forgive her now," Sirius said.
"What makes you think I've forgiven her?" James asked.
"Two and half years ago, you wouldn't even consider going to meet her and you didn't care that she was still in love with you," Sirius replied. "That's how I know you've forgiven her."
An hour later, once Sirius had left, James was still contemplating what to do. Was Sirius right? And if so, just because he forgave, not that he had, but if he did, did it mean he still loved her? No, forgiveness is different than love. But hadn't his inability to forgive her the reason he stopped being with her? It wasn't that they had fallen out of love. James had just been too hurt to believe in love.
James grabbed his photo album and turned to the back of it, past the pictures of the Marauders and Quidditch. He stared straight at the muggle photograph, the one of he and Lily on the second to last day of their Hogwarts career. In the picture, he had both arms wrapped around her and a giant grin on his face. They were holding hands, which had forced Lily's arms to cross in front of her chest. She looked so happy and full of life; her smile revealing a mouth full of pearly white teeth.
As he stared at the picture, James realized that those were the best days of his life. His time at Hogwarts, with Lily locked in his arms, were the memories that made him smile. When he had been with her, there were no other worries in the world.
Sirius had been right all along. He had forgiven Lily. It took two and half years, a week of amnesia, and months' worth of letters to do it, but he had forgiven her. He had finally come to terms with the past. He could finally look in the mirror and proudly say, "I'm over what happened; the past is in the past."
Now the only question was: did he still love her? He glanced down at the picture again and the answer was clear. Of course he loved her. He had fancied her since fourth year and loved her since seventh. He had spent the past six and half years admiring everything about her. Feelings like that just didn't disappear. They can be hidden, but never disregarded completely.
With that thought, James smiled. He could feel his heart speeding up and his stomach fill with butterflies. He was in love with Lily Evans. And to make it even better, she was in love with him.
He stood in the middle of room, just thinking about what it was going to be like to hold her in his arms again. That kiss in the gardens wasn't long it, it didn't satisfy his desire for her. Merlin, what it was going to be like to kiss her again! He could imagine it now; her soft lips on his, the cherry lip balm she always wore, his arms wrapped around her waist, and her hands clapped on either side of his face, drawing him nearer. It would be amazing, just amazing. No, not would, it was going to be amazing.
Then it came to him: what the bloody hell was he still doing in his apartment?
Pausing only to brush his teeth and put on a touch of cologne, James hurried as fast as he could while trying to look presentable. He aparated out of the apartment and straight to St. Mungo's. This was it; he was about to tell Lily the truth. He was about to confess his love for her.
He felt a burst of energy run through his veins. This was it. He was going to be with her again. There was nothing that could hold him back from her; not the butterflies in his stomach, the increased speed of his heart, or the stupid negative thoughts he had about her months prior. There was nothing in his way now.
Once in St. Mungo's, James ran straight to the reception desk. Unfortunately, there were several people in front of him in line, including a witch who appeared to have a bout of dragon pox and a wizard who was emitting smoke from his ears. Merlin this was going to take a while. However, there was nothing he could do but wait. He would never be allowed through the entrance without a visitor's badge.
A witch whose hair was growing inches every minute slowly walked out of the line and into the building. One down, five to go. He craned his neck, trying to see who was next. However, he couldn't see any apparent illness on the wizard at the front of the line. What was taking so long anyways? James looked down at his watch. He was antsy. He needed to talk to Lily. He needed to tell her how he felt. He needed hold her in his arms again.
The wizard made his way through the doors; four more left until his turn. What would he say to her anyway? "Lily, I still love you." No, that didn't sound right. It was too blunt, not romantic enough. He knew Lily liked the romantic acts; he didn't want to let her down with such an ordinary, boring thing to say. She deserved more than that.
Another wizard left the line; two down, three to go. Fuck. What was he going to say? He began to panic and could feel a line of sweat forming at his hairline. He nervously bit his lower lip; what the bloody hell was he supposed to say? "Hi, um, Lily. I just wanted to let you know that I love you and I always will love you." No, once again, corny. It was dumb. It was the type of response he would expect anyone to say. But he wasn't just anyone and Lily wasn't just any girl.
The witch with dragon pox now stood at the front of the line, talking with the receptionist. It was almost his turn. "Lily, I know I've messed up and acted like a stupid prat, but if what you wrote in those letters is still true, well, I'm here now and I love you." No, that sounded too whiney. It wasn't right. He didn't want Lily to think he had expected her to wait for him.
The wizard with steam coming out of his ears was now talking to the receptionist; James would be next. He was getting really anxious now. The palms of his hands felt sweaty and he tried to wipe them on his robes.
"Next," the receptionist lazily said.
James hurried forward.
"And what is your purpose? Patient or visitor?" she asked with that same bored tone.
"Um, visitor."
"Patient's name?"
"No, no patient," James replied. "I'm here to see Lily Evans, she's a Healer."
"And she's probably very busy."
Okay, James was really starting to dislike this woman. He glanced at her name tag and said, "Listen, Trudy, you've got to help me out a little bit. I just need to see her for a brief moment, it's urgent."
"Sorry, no can do," Trudy replied.
"Okay, fine," James quickly said. "I was a patient here a few days ago and er, I think something might be wrong. I think I might be having a reaction to one of the potions. And well, Lily was my Healer so I need to see her."
Trudy eyed him for a moment, a sour look on her face. Finally, she asked, "What's your name?"
"James Potter."
She pointed her wand at the file cabinet and out came a folder. She searched its contents and appeared to be satisfied. "Fine, through the doors and one of our interns will escort you to your room."
James followed Trudy's instructions and was greeted by a very nervous young girl. She couldn't have been older than eighteen and James assumed that she must have only just graduated from Hogwarts. She clumsily pushed the buttons on the elevator and James was growing more annoyed at her carelessness with each accidental stop they made. Finally, they reached the proper floor and the intern brought him to an empty room. She dropped his folder on the floor before managing to put it in its proper slot and leaving the room. Needless to say, he was quite pleased when she left.
Ten minutes later, there was a knock on the door followed by its creaking open. James's heart leapt. This was it. Lily was bout to come in and he was going to think of a clever way to tell her that she'd always be the one for him. Yes, that was it. "Lily, I've been head over heels for you since fourth year. I've always known that you were the girl for me, always will be the girl for me. I love you." Yes, that was what he was going to say to her.
However, instead of Lily's petite form and brilliant red hair, a very tall woman with black hair entered the room. "I see you're suffering from a reaction from one of your previous medications," she stated.
James only stared at her in confusion. Who was this woman? Where was Lily?
"And what are your symptoms?" the woman asked.
"Where's Lily?" James questioned, finally finding his voice.
"She's left for the day," the Healer answered. "But I assure you, I can certainly take care of you."
"No, you don't understand," James stated, jumping up from the bed. "I'm not sick, I, I just need to see Lily. Its urgent."
"I can handle whatever's wrong with you," the Healer informed him, displaying her annoyance with him.
"Nothing's wrong with me," James shouted. "I just need to see her."
"Mister Potter," the Healer, Amy, as her nametag indicated, said. "If you would please sit down and let me examine what's wrong. I assure you, just because Lily was your Healer last time you were here, I know exactly what potions she used to treat to you."
"Fine, you want to know what's wrong with me?" James shouted. "I'm in bloody love, that's what's wrong. If you can somehow get Lily here, then yes, you can help me. But otherwise, you can't and I'm leaving."
Amy seemed to be quite taken aback by his outburst. She merely stepped back from the door and allowed him to exit.
Still angry about wasting so much precious time at St. Mungo's, James hurried down the hallways. He pushed the elevator button, but grew anxious with how slowly it seemed to be moving. He couldn't help but think that stupid intern was probably messing with the buttons again.
Grunting, James quickly made his way over to the stairwell. He was taking them two at a time, wanting nothing more than to get out the building. In fact, he felt rather foolish. He had spent the past forty-five minutes here. He should have gone straight to Lily's apartment; he wouldn't of had to mess with any of this foolishness if he had started there.
Then he saw it: a flash of red hair. Lily? It couldn't be Lily, could it? Amy had said Lily was gone already, but she never specified when Lily had left. Could it be her? He felt his heart begin to hammer again and completely forgot about his anger.
"Lily," he called out.
Two flights of stairs below him, the woman with red hair came to an abrupt stop. It was her! He could feel his hands begin to sweat; his heart was pounding faster than ever and butterflies flooded his stomach. A new burst of energy traveled the length of his body and he broke into a run.
There was no stopping him now. He was finally going to hold Lily in his arms and tell her he loved her. He was going to kiss her senseless and she was going to be his once again. There was nothing in his way.
Except, BAM! Darkness.
…
His head was pounding. He could feel each individual throb. He heard voices too, but couldn't make them out through the muffled sound. Slowly, James fluttered his eyes. All he could see was whiteness. What had happened?
Suddenly, the whiteness was invaded. He could see her face, a look of worry across it. Her red hair hung loose around her shoulders, falling in front of her face as she leaned over him. He could see a piece of gauze on her hand and felt it press against his forehead.
"Lily," he mumbled.
"James!" she exclaimed, "Are you okay?"
"What happened?" he asked as he sat up and took the bandage from Lily's hands, still applying pressure to his forehead.
"You were running down the stairs and a door opened," she replied. "And well, I guess you didn't see it coming."
He looked at his surroundings; he was still in the stairwell. There were a few drops of blood on the white stairs, his blood. Another Healer came running through the nearby door, which James noticed also had a small trace of blood on it. She handed Lily a bottle of potion and looked quite ready to stick around, but Lily told her to leave.
"Here, take some of this," she said, pouring the contents of the bottle into a small cup.
He did as he was told; his headache stopped at once. Lily then proceeded to rub another potion on his forehead; it stung a bit, but Lily assured him it wouldn't get infected now. She then opened a clean band-air package and pressed it against his forehead. He felt his face flush as her fingers touched his skin.
"You're starting to get a bad habit of knocking yourself out, you know," she commented as she gathered the messy bandages.
"In my defense, the other two times really weren't my fault," he stated.
"No, just this one," she replied. She was still squatting in front of him, whereas James sat on the stairs. "What're you doing here anyways? Other than trying to get amnesia again, of course."
He softly smiled at her, but then more seriously replied, "You asked me to come."
"And I promise, I never thought you'd wind up with another injury in the process," she said, flashing him her brilliant smile.
"I'd hope not," he remarked. He grabbed her hand and pulled her next to him, sitting on the stairs.
"I, I just wanted to say that it was really nice seeing you this past week," Lily said. "I mean, it would have been nice if you hadn't been injured and all, but nonetheless, it was good to see you. I, I just thought it would mean more once you had your memory back."
"Well, it was nice to see you too then," he replied. He sounded friendly, but on the inside, he was screaming. Was that it? Had he mistaken the signs? Did she move on? Did she even still care about him, more than friends that is?
"And we should really keep in touch," she added. "You know, outside St. Mungo's. I don't want to be treating you for any more head injuries."
"Right," James stated. And he ran into a door for this? He had spent the entire day pondering what to do next for this? He couldn't have read the signs wrong, could he?
He got to his feet at once, although did need the help of the railing. Lily stood up as well. She glanced at him and said, "Well, I, I had better get these in the trash," as she motioned to the trash.
"Yeah," he stupidly said.
"Well, bye James."
"Bye," he said and watched as she began to walk up the stairs. What had just happened? This was not the vision he had been dreaming about. It was far from that. She wasn't supposed to use the "let's be friends" routine, she was supposed to love him. This wasn't right.
He had spent the past two and half years alone and miserable. This was supposed to be his second chance. Remington attacked him for a reason, James was sure of it. And he didn't just get amnesia by chance. Nor was Lily assigned to be his Healer by coincidence. No, there was something more going on here. This was his second chance at happiness.
This was his second chance at being with the woman he loved, the woman he had spent years dreaming about. These things don't just happen to anyone. But there she was, walking away from him. This wasn't right, it couldn't be right.
Two and half years ago, Lily had walked away from him by not marrying him. But he wasn't going to let it happen again, not this time. He had come too far and he wasn't going to settle for loneliness.
"I read the letters," he shouted, forgetting all of his rehearsed lines.
She paused at the top of the stairs before turning to look at him.
"Did you mean what you said? That you'd be here for me and you'd love me forever?" he asked, staring up at her with such intensity that it frightened himself a bit.
"That was years ago," she said, a concerned look across her face.
"But did you mean it?" James asked. "Because I don't know about you Lily, but this past week has been the best I've had in a long time, which you wouldn't expect someone who had amnesia and severe burns to ever say. But it was, Lily."
"James," she softly said, not moving from her spot.
"And I wouldn't change it for the world either," he added. "Because I was the luckiest man alive. I got to fall in love with the only girl I've ever loved all over again. I got to fall in love, for the first time, twice. Not many men can say that, Lily, so I'm lucky because not only have I loved and lost, but I've fallen in love with that same girl again."
"James," she whispered so quietly that James could only understand her words by reading her lips.
"And so I'm going to ask once more, did you mean it?" James said.
"Every word," she replied.
James grinned at her and ran up the stair, two at a time. He met a smiling Lily waiting for him and was finally able to fulfill his dreams. He wrapped both arms around her, kissed her soft lips, and tasted her cherry lip balm.
Even when the kiss ended, James didn't release Lily from his arms. He held her tightly to his chest, not wanting to separate from her. She didn't mind either; her own arms snaked around his waist and her face was buried in his shoulder.
James smiled as he breathed in the soft scent of her hair. He caught his face in the reflection of the window and for the first time in two and half years he truly recognized himself. The stranger who had looked back at him in the mirror, full of misery and loneliness, was no longer there. Instead, he saw himself, the real James Potter, who knew nothing of those sorts.
...
Author's Note 2: Hey everyone, I hope you all liked the chapter! I rewrote the middle part (with Sirius) about three different times, edited out a completely useless scene, which then caused me to rewrite the ending about five different times. Soooo, I hope you all enjoyed it because I think this is the most time I've put into a chapter in a long time. Anyways, please review!