Poet
11.

Usually, patrol is tedious business.

Joel misses Tess during these times. He misses her, because at least with Tess, there was a lack of control. Within Tommy's camp, control is entirely essential, and it's tough. To be ordered, to follow orders; Joel is a natural leader, so he struggles with the demands set on him. In a way, though, he thinks Tess might like it here.

After believing in Ellie, she seemed to have turned over a new leaf.

She believed in the Fire Flies. After scoffing at their idiocy for so many years, she realised there was truth to what they were saying––there had to be! A neutral ally at first. Hating either side. And then Ellie came into the picture, and everything went wrong.

What would she think now? What would she think of Joel, taking Ellie away, when it was definite she would become the cure?

What would Tess think of Joel, with his twisted paternal instincts; suddenly falling in love with a daughter who does not belong to him?

But Joel is old, and his age has begun to show.

Criticism on himself is too exhausting.

As he watches over the gates, wandering across the top platform, he sighs. Longingly. Not for another life, or for even the woman he's thinking about––But Ellie. He hasn't actually seen her in over a day now. Which isn't common. Joel is convinced she's been spending her time with that Fire Fly girl: Riley. Joel bites on his tongue.

Fire Flies can't be trusted. They're ambitious and violent and blind.

He isn't stupid. Ellie won't accept that. If he approached her, told her that Riley's motives might be different to what she assumes, she won't accept that.

Love fucks you up in ways no one is prepared for.

'Hey, Joel.' Turning around, he smiles at his brother approaching him. Tommy slaps his arm playfully. His younger brother looks exhausted. Black rings hang below his eyes, and he looks pale. 'How's thing up here?'

'All clear. Should be a quiet night.'

Tommy observes the outer perimeter, then faces Joel again. 'Great.'

'Something eatin' you?'

'Nah. Not really.' He places his hands on his hips. Looks away. Back at Joel. 'Keep an eye out, big brother. I'm, uh––well, maybe I'm paranoid, I dunno…'

Joel frowns. 'What? No. Tell me.'

'If you––' Tommy tries a smile. Fruitless. Tired. 'Listen, I'm not gonna fuck with you. If you spot anything odd, be it in here, or out there, you gotta tell me. I kept that Fire Fly girl for a reason, but if there's the slightest chance I'm gonna get her scouts on my ass––'

'I get it,' Joel says. 'I do. I ain't seen nothin', though. Surely they would have come for her by now.'

'Yeah. Maybe.'

'… why're you keepin' her, anyway? Why not do the deed?'

Tommy's expression darkens. 'I don't do that shit here.'

'Mm.' Joel raises a brow, and focusses on the view beyond instead. 'You keep callin' yourself a pacifist, but you know that kinda shit doesn't work in a world like this. Now, hey, I don't want you hurtin' the kid. She means good. But, if you're not gettin' shut eye over this, then I think the answer to it all is pretty obvious.'

'I'm not laying a damned finger on the girl. Anyway.' Tommy laughs slightly. 'Your kid will give me grief.'

'True.'

'I saw 'em. In the car. Didn't see anythin', really, but…' He clears his throat. 'Maria and I used to sneak out sometimes. To be together. Alone. I get the signs, man. Maybe I observe too much, but it's fuckin' clear to me what's goin' on.'

Joel pauses. Folds his arms, and narrows his brows. 'Wait. You mean––?'

'You didn't hear it from me.'

'Tsk.' Joel smiles crookedly. Ellie and Riley. Together.

So, his assumptions were true about them?

'All right, then.'

Shoving his hands into pockets, Tommy sways on his heels. There's another pause, longer; silent. Then Tommy exhales slowly, and this time, he doesn't look at Joel. A coldness is shared between them, and Joel feels the shift in atmosphere.

Tommy didn't come here to talk about Ellie and Riley. But about something else.

Something much closer to home.

'I know.'

Joel's breath catches. 'Know what?'

'We gotta do this?' Tommy raises a brow. 'I know about the girl.' Joel's expression hardens. 'I know she's the cure. The vaccine. What the Fire Flies want––'

'The fuck are you talkin' about––?'

'I knew her mother. When I was a Fire Fly, working with Marlene––I knew her mother. Took me a while to figure out who Ellie was, but it suddenly clicked.'

'Tommy––'

'Name was Anna Williams. She was tough, like Marlene. She got pregnant real young. Some complete fuck did it to her, and left her bruised and alone. Had to raise the damn kid by herself, until Marlene found her. I was reconsiderin' the whole Fire Fly thing by then, but I met her. Anna.' Tommy shrugs. 'Ellie looks a heck of a lot like her, man. Really.'

'Please don't do this.'

'Can't mistake that red hair.'

Joel looks at him. 'What're you doin'?'

'Williams was pretty desperate to keep her kid safe. I just thought it was maternal shit, y'know? I've been wrong before. I guess a mother always knows. She knew her kid was special. Immune. And she wanted her safe. Wanted her to be looked after by Marlene. I didn't really get why, but now it just makes sense, Joel. She's what we've been waiting for.'

'You––you don't get to make that decision––'

'Marlene was gonna kill her. But you made sure she didn't by shootin' her in the head.'

At that, Joel tenses. Instinctively reaches for his pistol.

But Tommy isn't a threat.

'Wanna know the truth?'

A beat.

'I didn't know her that well, but her mother woulda done the same. That's why she's no longer breathing.'

Joel inhales shakily. 'How? How did she die?' Looks at Tommy. But the answer is right there in his eyes. A mother will do anything to keep their baby alive. 'Killed?'

'I was gone before then. Left the Fire Flies at that point.'

'Does Ellie know?'

'Fuck. I can't––I can't do that to her.'

'What about Riley?'

Tommy shakes his head helplessly. 'I dunno about her. Don't know anythin' about that kid. Tried to get some info off her––all I know is that she's a few years older than Ellie. Joined military school; was there for a long time, until she was tempted by the Fire Flies. Orphan at a real young age. Younger than normal. Watched her own father turn, and rip apart her mother.' Joel slowly closes his eyes at the horror. 'Fucks you up forever, that does.'

'Yeah.' He pictures Sarah, lifeless in his arms. Ellie. Limp, and no longer breathing. His own baby girl. 'Yeah, it does.'

The last time Marlene had been confronted like this was when she was twelve-years-old.

Before the infection.

When life was simple. When her father had lost his temper, and slapped her across the face. Over and over. Yelled at her for something trivial and pointless while the bottle of alcohol slipped between his fingers.

No alcohol is involved this time.

And this is a child. Angry, demanding justice, and terribly confused.

But Riley isn't a child. Ever since she witnessed her mother's death, she's been old. Older than most of the adults who roam these streets.

'You lied to me.'

'I did what was necessary.'

'You lied.'

'Riley.'

Both women stand eye-to-eye, and that's what Riley has become now: a woman. They're at equal height, and secrets can't be kept from Marlene's favourite anymore. Marlene cocks back her chin, and considers the approach a positive sign.

However, when it comes to Ellie, Marlene hates to be challenged.

'I have no other choice––'

'You're gonna kill her––'

'––and it's what her mother would want––'

'That's bullshit––'

'––and what the world needs. We don't have a choice. Trust me, I had no idea until a couple of hours ago. If I knew before, if her mother knew before, then maybe we would have tried another alternative. But Riley––' She rounds the table, a hopeful smile painted across her ageing face. Clings to Riley's shoulders, and tempers her. '––this is it. This is what we've been fighting for. Don't you understand? I––' She swallows, '––it will kill me. Watching her die. But I don't have any other choice.'

'You do have another choice: don't go ahead with the procedure.'

'Is that what you want?'

'More than anything.'

A shiver travels up Riley's spine. Marlene's expression has changed into something awful.

Rage.

'What is this about?' She drops her hands, steps back. Watches the other woman with doubt. 'Is this about the vaccine, or is this about your own personal feelings for Ellie?'

'You're talkin' bullshit.'

'What other choice is there, Riley? Speak up! I am honestly open to any other ideas, because doing this––this is all I have. Don't you see that?' She softens her expression all of a sudden. Sighs. 'I know. I know what it is between you both. I could tell when I first met you and her. Remember? You were up to no good. Draggin' that poor girl along. But I knew. I don't forget that.'

'I was young––'

'You still are. Look. I love her too. As if she were my own. But we must do what is necessary. Think about those children. The ones I had you protect. Think about what happened to them. How… How we had no choice, but to let them die. We're helpless against this infection, but we don't have to be. Not if we have Ellie. And she's right here. This will––Fuck, Riley. Think about all of those people we've experimented on. Who you've observed the surgeries of. This will make those deaths no longer in vain. Think about it. This is what we've been working for. All of these years. Don't give up. We––we found the light!'

And there's so much irony in her words.

As far as Riley's concerned, what light is there, when Ellie is out of the picture?

Nothing but grim darkness. This horrible depression which roots to her very core. And yet, Marlene speaks so honestly. So brilliantly.

And she's right.

'You brought her to me. If you weren't there, I might have killed her on the spot. But you brought her to me, Riley, because you knew. You knew she was the answer, regardless of how you felt about her.'

It's as if her whole life has been drained from her.

Pointless.

'You promised me, though.' Riley glares, tears brimming in her eyes. 'You promised she wouldn't feel anything.'

'She won't,' Marlene breathes. 'When they perform the surgery, she'll be asleep. It'll be quick. Painless. Like a dream.'

'She'll die?'

'… yes. Yes, she will.'

Riley's heart breaks. But Marlene doesn't see. Her scout has become very skilled at covering her own emotions. As much as they kill her.

Sacrifices are necessary in this life.

Absolutely.

'Like a dream?'

'A dream.' Marlene caresses her cheek. 'I only ask one thing.'

It doesn't matter. What she asks. It doesn't matter. Because with the prospect of Ellie gone, what is there to lose? Riley nods, and her lungs feel crushed.

'God knows what'll happen. But if––if something were to happen before the surgery, you must get that vaccine. You must keep Ellie at the lab. You must allow our surgeons to do their work. Whether I'm dead or alive, it must be so. She has to be the cure. Has to be.'

With no idea of the impact of such a decision, Riley confirms she'll agree to that.

One way or another, Ellie will be their cure.

Be it today. Or in the next decade. It has to happen.

And it's all that keeps her up at night. That promise will follow her to the grave.

Such a careless, thoughtless agreement. So certain that Ellie would have died then, Riley didn't think it through. Didn't consider the fact that Joel was only floors below, delirious and maddened and so desperate for Ellie to stay alive.

Her heart aches.

Riley knows what is necessary. Even if she can't consider the possibility. Ellie. Dead. Lifeless. Lost. Gone.

In the little light, she lies on the bed, studying the freckles across Ellie's shoulder, down her arm. A little across her upper back. Cute. So innocent. And normal. And this girl is the most beautiful person she's ever seen in her life. How much she wishes it didn't hurt this much to love her.

The dorm is empty. Shared by four people, although three of them had been killed by hunters a few days before. For now, Ellie has the place to herself. But there's an unsettling quiet. The bunks are empty. And they know why.

'What're you thinking about?' Ellie mumbles, half-asleep.

Riley kisses the back of her neck. 'You've got a lot of freckles.'

'Yeah?' Ellie twitches a smile. 'You're one to talk.'

'You're everything I want.'

Ellie opens her eyes. She's not sure why. Not sure why Riley's words reduce her to tears. Why those simple words mean so much; why they hurt. But, in a way, she knows. She knows. She knows what this relationship means. Knows what committing to Riley means.

Stupid.

So, so stupid.

And that terrifies her.

Ellie swallows. Braces herself. 'Are you gonna kill me?'

A pause.

Riley cuddles her close. Tightly.

Because she has no other option, Ellie rolls over, and faces Riley properly. She pulls Riley's arms away from her body, and tries to look at her. Look into her eyes and find an answer. Hopes to find that her paranoia is silly. There's nothing to be afraid of. But that never happens. Riley's cheeks are moist from tears, and Ellie kisses her.

Riley cradles her face between her hands. Kisses her. Kisses her. Wishes she could lie, and say no. No. She would never mean harm on Ellie. Ever. Because doing that would be killing herself. She can't do that. She just can't do that.

But she knows her responsibility. What she pledged to do.

Even if her pledge be to a ghost.

'I've spent so long following the Fire Flies, just completely obsessed with their beliefs; this flawless hope that we'll find a cure. Somewhere. That we should just keep searchin', no matter what. And I follow them for so many years; I'm made a leader. Given my own squad. Told to look after these people who know fuck all about what they're goin' into. And then, right at the end, I realise I've been doin' all of this, just so my best friend dies––'

'You had no idea.'

Riley smiles. Sad. So sorry. 'For a moment, Ellie, I swear: I wanted you dead.'

Ellie's expression fractures. The emotion is quick. Too fast, but Riley registers it. She registers the anger, the betrayal, the heartbreak––all at once. But Ellie speedily recovers. Ellie suddenly sits upright, and wipes a hand down her face. Riley follows suit, and places a hand on her shoulder. Has she said too much? Been too blunt?

Oh, God, why would she say something so horrifying?

'You wanna know the best thing?' Ellie laughs, but it's dry. Humourless. 'I can't ever tell Joel this, but I––' She holds back a cry. Tries to smile again, however she fails. She fails and her eyes start to sting. Ellie lowers her voice to a faint whisper. So quiet, Riley barely hears: '––Sometimes, I wish I was dead too.'

Riley stops breathing.

'Since being bitten, I've never been… me. Never allowed to be me. Just cargo, or a cure; something, not someone. Right to the point when I was on a hospital bed, ready to be operated on. To die. And, fuck––' She roughly wipes her eyes, '––fuck, I wish––I wish I was dead. I wish I was made into a fuckin' vaccine already. But… I love livin'. I love life. I love being with Joel. With you. I don't wanna lose any of that, and I know I'm so fuckin' selfish––'

'Ellie––'

'I dunno who I am anymore.'

Riley shuffles closer, wraps her arms around Ellie's waist, and pulls her to her stomach. Ellie leans back, head against her shoulder, and they hold each other for a while. Silent and pondering over an empty fantasy. Riley caresses up Ellie's arm, passing the bandage. 'Yeah, you do,' she finally replies. Ellie raises her brows at that. But: 'I know who you are.'

'Yeah?'

'You're that short kid I had to push around, just so you'd keep outta trouble. You're also that really annoyin' twerp who followed me everywhere; you were like a parasite sometimes––'

'Uh, Riley, what the fuck?'

'––and you're also my best friend. My favourite person in the whole world. You're the only person I trust, and you're more than what the Fire Flies want you for. You're Ellie, and I love you.'

Ellie just about catches her breath. 'Th––that was… gross?'

'Still: it's true.'

That's enough. For Ellie, that's enough. If she's more than just a cure to at least one person out there, then that's enough. That's all she can ask for. Even if that same person might knock her out cold at any minute. Strap her to a bed.

Order the surgeon to finish the job.

Ellie faces her, sitting across Riley's lap. A faint, crooked smile is plastered across her lips when she raises Riley's chin to look at her. The same scar travels from Riley's brow to the bridge of her nose, and Ellie suddenly has no desire to discover where it came from. Whether it be from a clicker, a hunter, or even another Fire Fly.

Leaning forwards, Ellie kisses her there. Riley flinches a little at the touch. Looks up at her with a warmness in her eyes.

'Guess what?'

Riley raises a brow. 'Mm?'

'I'm no photographer.' Ellie smirks. 'But I can picture us together.'

It takes a moment, before the pun sinks in. 'Wow.'

Ellie laughs. 'Good, ain't it?'

'Awful.' Riley kisses her nose. 'You're just awful.'

'Uh-Huh. I hate insect puns. They really bug me.'

Riley grins, and kisses Ellie hard on the mouth. 'Stop that.'

'I try wearing tight jeans, but I can never pull it off.'

'Fuck.'

'If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable?'

At that Riley's disgruntled expression, Ellie kisses her passionately, smiling the whole while. Riley pinches her waist affectionately, and they lose themselves in each other. They move into each other, breathe together, and Ellie is left in a daze. They could be doing this for the millionth time, and she would still be this way.

Frazzled, losing her mind; everything Riley makes her feel.

Ellie kisses her neck, her collarbone, encouraging Riley to fall back into the mattress. She listens to Riley's quiet moans, her hand reaching over to massage her breast, before teasing her tongue across. The sensation causes a sharp gasp from Riley, to which Ellie only interprets as encouragement. Despite her lack of experience, Ellie has a good idea about what she should do; and she's lovely.

A soft sigh escapes Riley's parted lips. She gently takes Ellie's wrist, and guides her to her warmth. Ellie shudders, touching her, and it sends them both into a state of euphoria. Riley looks up at her, and Ellie meets her gaze, smiling crookedly. There's something incredibly fetching about her red hair falling over her eyes like that, that tint of scarlet blushing across her freckled cheeks––

When Ellie moves into her, her fingers working perfectly against her clit, Riley lets out a moan. Ellie whispers a curse under her breath, and has no intention to stop.

'I used to be a banker––' Riley moans again, '––but I lost interest.'

Ellie stops suddenly. Blinks.

'Impressive,' she allows.

Riley smirks amidst their lovemaking. 'Two can play at this game.'

'While I got my fingers inside you? You still wanna go?'

Riley kisses her cheek tenderly. Whispers in her ear: 'I wanna go anywhere with you.'

It constantly amazes Ellie how Riley can come out with such romantic statements. Statements which make her heart skip a beat. Makes her breath cut short. Makes her fall in love all over again. How much power Riley has over her sometimes is perplexing.

But nice. Really nice.

Ellie kisses her, deep and warm. Continues to tease Riley to her climax, her body pressed into hers, and they moan, touch and explore each other. Race for a white, blissful finish which will leave the two breathless and gasping. As if water has swallowed them whole, and there isn't a surface; no gap to break through, and they're trapped beneath the waves.

When Riley digs her nails into Ellie's back, Ellie almost screams.

The promise of death is engrained with every mark.