Part 10
Mara was sitting in the middle of Airport Boulevard traffic wondering why she felt better after a dose of violence. Was it part of her nature to require violence? That line of questioning brought her to an even bigger question.
Was all violence evil?
Despite the lack of a Dark Side of the Force on Earth, she had already been witness to evil acts that very morning. How could anyone perform evil acts and not fall into a dark side inside of themselves, Force or no Force? Was Dr. Markham evil for drugging her for his own purpose? Those men at the nightclub were certainly about to do an evil deed for Carlos. Was Jacen evil for murdering her? He, at least, tried to give an explanation for his evil act. He told her that killing her would bring peace to the people of their galaxy. She thought of his words after the fact. Whom was he trying to convince on his reason for murder? Her, or himself?
She sat still in idle traffic and she screamed at herself; The next time I don't want to think I will notuse this blasted Airport Boulevard. She yelled out to no one in particular, "Let's go! Move it!"
A voice called out from a vehicle to her left that was as idle as her own. "You tell 'em, babe!"
She snuck a glance beside her and saw a small freighter of a truck. The owner of the voice was a rather unattractive man with oily clothes and hat. She smiled sheepishly back at him. Big mistake.
"Hey, baby. You as fine as that car?"
She kept her smile while suggesting, "You want to keep all of your two teeth?"
He frowned and lucky for him the traffic started moving. That still did not prevent him from yelling out from behind him, "Catch you later, babe!"
"Not in this lifetime. Or my next." Great, I'm one of them already.
She reached the turnoff from Airport that led her to Magnolia Way. She approached Mary's house and saw that there was another vehicle parked in the driveway. Emma's car was gone.
The new vehicle hardly looked new. It was a truck with a small cab in front and a large opening in the back. The body had once been cherry red and now it was pale orange. Patches of rust were speckled in various places. The drivers side mirror was hanging down by one thin wire. The opening of the trailer hitch was missing and what replaced it was an improvised wire mesh.. The vehicle looked as if it could fall apart at any given moment.
She turned around in the dead end and parked on the side of the street on the curb. Once she sat there parked, she stared at the contraption in the driveway with disbelief. "The Falcon was in better shape than that thing," she muttered.
She exited the car and headed up the driveway keeping a eye on the vehicle as if it would suddenly explode merely because she walked near it. She heard a door slam and she saw Benjamin coming out of the carport side door. In his left hand was a strange rifle. Following him was the hefty figure of Luke Wallace.
Benjamin reached closer to her and he asked with interest, "Did you get better from the doctor?"
Mara sighed. "No, I'm still Mara. Where you going?"
"Me and Dad are going to paint ball tomorrow," he explained excitedly.
"Paint ball?"
Luke came up and spoke from behind Benjamin. "She ain't gonna know what that is, Spike. She ain't even from this planet."
Ben looked back at Mara, confused. "You mean you're an alien?"
She forced back a chuckle. "No. I'm as human as you and your...," she trailed off as she looked at Luke, who was busy cleaning out his ears with his thick index finger, and considered again, finishing with, "well, I'm as human as you are."
"C'mon, Spike, let's go. We gotta big day tomorrow. I wanna stop at Food World and get a case of Old Milwaukee."
Mara asked him, "Why are you taking him this weekend? I wanted to spend some time with him."
"Yeah? What ch'you gonna do with him? Talk? Yeah, he just is lovin' him some convo. Mary ain't never done nothing with him, why should you be any different?"
Mara had to think about that. What would she do with an eleven-year-old boy? What had she done with her own Ben at that age? What activities had they done together? If she had lived on, she could have given Ben some pointers at being a sniper.
You used a folding stock Karpaki? Karpaki does get the job done, son, but a Delisima has better range and easier loading action for multiple shots. Why I used one once on a dirty Senator...
She tied off that thought. What else had she done with her Ben as he grew up. Training? There had been no time for playing. Too many battles. Too many fights. Too much violence.
Before she could ponder more, Luke spoke again. "Yeah, that's what I thought. Nope, I had the paint ball time scheduled months ago and Spike ain't shut up about going ever since."
"Does it hurt you to call him Benjamin?"
"It hurt you to call him a Wallace. You named him Benjamin after your grand daddy. I wanted to name him Rusty. That would have been a hoot. Our own NASCAR driver in the family."
"Whatever that is. Where's Emma?"
"Aw, she had to run to some places. She just left minutes ago. I'll be bringing him back prob'ly around four on Sunday."
She sneered, "Just like that and you take over."
"You done took over Mary's life, whatever life she had. She ain't never even been with another man since she divorced me. Been too depressed. But, the judge still didn't see me as fit. But, if it brings my Spike joy, I'm taking him to paint ball."
"Did you even ask what he wanted to do?"
Ben answered, "But, I wanna go...uh...uh...,"
Both she and Luke stated in unison, "Mara."
After a scornful look at Luke, Mara said to Ben, "Maybe I don't want you playing with rifles at such a young age."
Ben shot back at her, "Maybe I don't have to do what you say. You ain't my mother 'cept you looking like her."
Even if a star cruiser had fallen from the sky and landed on top of her, the impact would have had less effect than his words just then. She could feel the blood drain from Mary's body. You ain't my mother. Had she been Ben's mother all his life?
Too many battles. On and off the battlefield.
She was so numb with his cold fact that she scarcely heard Luke tell him to get in the truck. She kept frozen until Luke started the engine. It produced a loud noise from under the hood that sounded like it would explode. Luke backed the clunker out of the driveway and sped off to disappear around the corner.
And, thus, Mara Jade was alone.
She could not remember a time when she had been completely alone. Because of her and Luke's Force bond, she had never felt alone. She had been used to the idea that she could reach into her mind at any given moment and embrace his no matter how far apart they were. To feel his loving touch anytime she needed it was indescribable. It had been a fact to say that since she married Luke Skywalker, she could never feel alone.
Until now.
She had now entered a body of a woman on a world–no, a galaxy that had no knowledge of the Force. She had finally discovered the limit of distance to where their Force bond had stopped working. Except for the very first few minutes after she woke up as Mary, the Force had left her. Abandoned her. Or, did she abandon it?
She wandered aimlessly around the house not knowing her destination.
Her destination. Where would she go? Would she be stuck inside Mary Jane Skyler until she herself dies? Would she die too? Again? Would she become one with the Force then?
She chose not to be one with the Force after she died. She remembered Luke tell about how Obi Wan Kenobi sacrificed himself in a selfless act to save him, Leia, and Han on the first Death Star. She remembered Palpatine relating how Vader killed Kenobi from his point of view. Obi Wan simply allowed Vader to cut him down. On purpose. Yet, there was no body to cut. Kenobi immediately melded into the Force and Luke could hear his voice speak to him within minutes of his death.
Or was that considered death?
If she had chosen to meld, would her existence still be inside her own galaxy? Was the fact that she rejected that meld the reason why she had been injected into a comatose patient on a whole new world in a totally different galaxy? A planet that had no Force.
She had been without the Force before in her life. It was right after the Battle of Endor. She felt alone then too. As evil as he was, Palpatine and her also had a Force bond. Though it was not nearly as loving as her and Luke's, it was no less comforting to know she would never be alone.
No, she discovered, alone isn't the right term for what I'm feeling now.
And at that moment, finding herself sitting inside in one of the swings on Ben's old swing set, she had never felt more lonely.
She considered. She could become Deke's new heavy hand. She could become once again the loyal assassin who thrived on pre-meditated violence. If she had to be stuck as Mary, she could become a new Emperor's Hand. Except on this world, she would be...The Ukrainian's Hand.
She shook out that phrase from her mind. She then calmly asked herself, why would she want that? Was she happier as the Emperor's Hand? Was she not happier once Luke had finally proposed to her amidst their eminent deaths? Was she not happier when Ben was born through her sickness via all three of the Skywalker family and all coming out healthy as ever? She knew the answer.
It was the question that was harder to ask.
How could she go on living without her Luke and her Ben?
She suddenly had an epiphany. This is my Hell. To have a life separate from all that I held dear.
Oh, how I miss them. I miss Luke's touch while in bed together. That frustrating, yet soothing, calm Tatooine farmboy nature even showed through in the most intimate times of sharing. I miss the sound of Ben calling me Mom, even if it was in contempt for not allowing him to take the speeder in the Coruscanti night life.
She longed to hear their voices again. Even if it was an argument. No couple could argue as logically as she and Luke Skywalker. It was a scary fact that whenever she and Ben reached a spat between them, it almost felt like she were debating herself. Ben had developed her own sense of logic.
What was even more scary was the realization that she may never see nor hear her husband nor her son anymore.
And that idea hit her harder than Jacen's poison dart. That was her death.
She remembered the short sharp pain once the needle struck her with great force. The pain lasted a few seconds. This pain had been withheld and saved up for a moment like this. It wasn't the pain of losing her life that she cared about. It was the pain she felt for Luke and Ben losing her.
All her life she could control emotions. As an assassin, she could shut them off like a switch. She had mastered the art of disassociation. After being an assassin for decades, that switch became rusted in the off position.
Until Luke Skywalker came into her life and started to erode it. Little by little, the rust came loose from his continued compassion for her, even when she denied it. His stubbornness kept chipping away at that switch. Finally, after a decade, the switch came loose from her shell and from it emerged a woman who greeted her emotions with open arms.
And in those arms, she welcomed Luke.
She admitted that she could still fiddle with the switch. Just the fact that she shut Luke out at the end and went off hunting his own nephew on her own was evidence of that.
Gone hunting for a few days. Don't be mad at me, farmboy.
Her last words to him. And they weren't even spoken. A note. She couldn't remember what the very last words she would have said to him were. Did Luke deserve a last note as his remembrance of her last action? After all he had given her?
The pain, the despair, the regret. All carried too much weight for that switch to bear. Emotion now caught up to her. An overload created pressure in her eyes. Salty fluid began to pour out. She buried her head in her hands in an attempt to hide them. It was of no use. The tears spilled out onto her jeans and to the green grass.
At that moment, Mara Jade knew nothing about control.
Her sobs went on without thought. Inside Mary's mind, she formed images of Luke Skywalker. His styled blonde hair later in their life was no longer the scraggly mess it had been when she first met him. His brilliant blue eyes were as penetrating as her green. She had never thought about it until then, but the colors of their lightsabers reflected the opposite of the color of their eyes.
She then formed an image of a small child with red-blonde hair. He was so happy as a child. When they used to visit him in the small amount of quiet times during the Yuuzahn Vong war, they had played with him. She would bounce him on her leg while Luke teased him with his beloved stuffed Ewok. They played. Not enough. Too many battles.
Sounds came into focus as well. She could hear Luke's snoring. Annoying as it was in person, she now regarded it as part of a hypnotic symphony keeping in time with the rhythm.
She heard Ben's outburst of laughter. It was a strange hybrid of Luke's famous chuckle and her sarcastic sneer.
She cherished the sights and sounds of her loved ones that were swimming inside Mary's mind. At least I have these. No one can take them away from me.
Another sound was produced but she couldn't quite make it out.
It was a strange squeaking noise that repeated in the same intervals. Back and forth.
She lifted her head and suddenly realized that the sound had been real. It was the sound of the swing next to her.
A girl was in the swing and she was propelling it to go higher and higher. Mara could feel the shaking of the swing set as each pass went by.
Before Mara could speak, the girl spoke first.
"Do you know what's fun? Getting high...enough...going forward...and..." She reached the highest point forward and she ejected herself out of the swing to fly through the air. Her waif-like body sailed and she let out a loud, "Wheeeee." She then landed hard on the grass and as she turned on her back, she winced in pain. "The flying part–fun. The sudden stop on the ground–not so much."
The girl looked to be in her early twenties. Her hair was even more ebony colored than Mary's, and it was more wild and less straight. She wore black pants and a black tank top. Her pale white skin was in such deep contrast to her clothing that it made Mara believe the girl had never spent anytime in the sun. As she laid there on the ground, she turned her body towards Mara. Hanging around her neck was a necklace. On the end of it was a large metal symbol consisting of a loop on top of a cross that Mara had never seen before.
She spoke to the strange girl. "Are you a neighbor of Mary's?"
"I'm everyone's neighbor. I have my own little neighborhood and everything. You could even call it a Land of Make Believe like Mr. Rogers." She seemed to consider something. "I don't know, Mr Roger's Neighborhood was ok and all, but I was more of a fan of The Electric Company. Remember Rita Moreno?" She cupped her hands around her mouth and projected the phrase, "Hey you guys!" She went back to her regular voice. "It's where Morgan Freeman got his start." She started at Mara with a blank stare. "Why am I telling you this? You're not from here."
"Who are you?"
"Oh, I have so many names. For now, you can just call me Didi. That was the name I took when I was last here."
"You're just visiting? When was your last visit here?"
"Oh, roughly fifteen years ago in linear terms." Didi began to pull herself up from the ground and brushed the blades of grass clinging to her clothes.
Mara figured, "That would be when you were five years old. Seven years tops."
Didi chuckled, "Try seven hundred plus millennia. Once a while I come down just to visit. No work. Nobody to help along their way. I just come for the fun." She went over to the opposite side of the swing set to fetch a black cane leaning on the A frame. She picked it up and swung it backwards on her shoulder. "This visit is all business."
"Uh huh. What's with the cane?"
"Cane? Oh, this isn't a cane. I guess you've never seen an umbrella before." She fiddled with the handle and the cane opened to reveal a black shield. "See. Usually, it's for protection from rain. I use it here for the shade. No sun in my realm." She closed it down.
"Ok. Seven hundred millennia old? No sun in your realm? Who exactly are you?"
Didi answered casually, "I'm everyone. And no one."
"Can we be more cryptic?"
Didi chuckled. "If you think I'm cryptic, you ought to meet my brother, Morpheus."
"What are you doing here?"
"Persistent, aren't we? I just saw you were having a rough time just now and thought you needed company. But...if you want to be left alone and wallow in your sorrow of regret, then fine. I have things I can do." She reached into her pants pocket and produced a tissue and handed it to Mara. "Here. You can clean up those eyes."
Mara took it and said, "Thanks. Why aren't you doing your things instead of talking to me?"
"Wow. Were you this pushy with Luke?"
"That Luke isn't mine. Look, I don't know if you're some kooky neighbor who likes to play mental games with Mary or what. If you haven't heard, I'm not Mary."
"I know. I know everything. Or...almost everything. My brother loves to think he knows everything. Not even my dear family are that omniscient. And, by the way, when I said Luke, I meant Skywalker, Mara." Didi did an about face and headed toward the sliding glass doors.
Mara stood in confusion for a split second before she quickly caught up with Didi. "Wait. You just called me Mara. How did you know?"
"I already told you. I know everything."
"You said almost everything."
"Can't get much past you, can I? Ok, confession time, Sister Jade. There was a time when I was confuzzled about your sitch. At first I thought it was my brother Dream's doing. Or my other brother, Destiny. Then I considered where you came from and it all clicked."
Mara stood in front of her Didi's path."Hey! Stop. You know too much about this for you not to tell me about it."
"I will, I will. Patience, young grasshopper. Right now, I need a Dr. Pepper."
Mara gave her a blank stare. "Don't think a doctor would help now. Besides, I may be done with all doctors."
Didi gave Mara a soft punch in the arm as she walked around her. "No, silly. Dr. Pepper. Soft drink. The Official Beverage of the Southern States of the USA. I just know Mary has a stash. Been dying to have one for a while." Didi paused. "Oh, for a better phrasing."
Didi reached the sliding glass doors and opened them. She entered and Mara followed.
Mara remarked, "Do you always come in a strangers house and take their food and drink?"
Didi turned back at Mara but kept walking backwards towards the kitchen. "I don't know any strangers. When I come to visit people they already know me. Besides, I was invited."
She turned to face the kitchen and approached the refrigerator. Mara leaned on the kitchen counter bar and repeated, "Invited?"
Didi opened the refrigerator and shouted with girlish glee, "Ah, ha! I knew she had some. And it's not freakin' diet, thank the maker." She reached inside and grabbed an aluminum can of Dr. Pepper. The door closed and she popped open the top of the can. She took a few gulps before stating, "Ah, I have to have the sweet stuff."
"Too much blood in your sugar?"
Didi was in mid-sip when she almost spewed the contents upon hearing Mara. "Quick."
Mara continued. "Who invited you?"
Didi finished her latest gulp and said, "You did, deary."
Mara replied, "How can I invite someone I don't even know? When did I invite you?"
Didi tilted her head back to empty what was left in the can. "Oh, these are the greatest. The carbonation just tickles your throat, don't it?"
"I guess. Look, if I don't get some answers–"
"You'll what? Assassinate me. Like you did when you were...what did they call you? Emperor's Hand?" Didi took the empty can and crushed it with both hands. She threw it with precision and it landed inside of the trash can a few feet away. "Yes! Two points! And, yes you did invite me. You thought the magical phrase while in a traffic jam. I wish. You wished someone would come down and give you all the answers." She spread her arms out as if she were presenting herself. "Here I am."
"Ok, tell me."
Didi put her head down, her right cheek on the surface of the counter while still looking at Mara. "Well, I can't divulge all secrets of the Universe to you. That would be cheating. And I can't just tell you. Therein lies the problem. Your situation isn't one to just tell at Story Time."
"All right, then show me."
"Do you trust me?"
"How can I? You haven't given me any answers yet."
"You think by me giving you the right answers will make you trust me more? You believe there are right answers in this? You are actually closer than you think in coming up with the answer to your own question since you came into this world. It must be your inquisitive training."
"No, it's my curious nature."
"You say tomato..."
"I just want to know the answers."
"To everything? And when you find them all, Mara, what then?"
"That's a stupid question."
"There are no stupid questions, but there are a lot of inquisitive idiots."
"You calling me an idiot, Didi?"
Didi smiled in remembrance. "My brother had a protégée long ago and one of his famous plays has a line. 'Life is tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.'"
"Nice. Ok, what if I were to take a leap of faith here."
"It won't cost you a dime. Or a credit in your world."
"What do you want me to do?"
Didi stood up erect and asked bubbly, "Does Mary have a mirror? Preferably a long one?"
"Next to her bed. Why?"
"Because, I'm going to show you." She skipped through the kitchen and into the family room while twirling her umbrella. "Down this way I take it?" she called from the hallway.
Mara started following her. "The end bedroom."
Didi called out, "Well, I wasn't about to think Mary has a dangerous attitude."
Mara entered Mary's bedroom after Didi had done so already. Right where Mara said there was a long rectangular full length mirror. The two of them stood before it, their reflections staring back at them.
"Perfectalicious!" cried Didi.
Mara looked at Didi's reflection and asked, "I've been meaning to ask what that symbol is on your necklace."
"Oh, my ankh. A symbol of great power."
"What kind of power?"
"Life. But, more on that later. Now, who do you see in the reflection?"
Mara looked at the frail thin features and dark, straight, and long hair once again through a mirror as she did on the first day she awoke. She shrugged and stated, "Mary Jane Skyler." She looked back at the physical Didi.
Didi just smiled cryptically and asked, "Are you sure?"
"Well, of course–" she looked back at the reflection and almost lost her breath during the act of gasping.
Instantly, the image showing back at her was no longer Mary. She noted the fine red-gold hair. Her skin was smoother with less blemishes. She raised her hand to her face to touch her cheek. Her clothing now consisted of her favorite one piece black tunic. There was a utility belt but no blaster. Nor a lightsaber. The blue jeans and psychedelic shirt of Mary's were gone.
Mara Jade was now staring back at herself as she had been seen in her own galaxy. She leaned closer to the surface of the mirror. Sure enough, her brilliant green eyes flashed back at her not in anger, but through pure joy at seeing her own features again. For several minutes, she merely gawked at her own image. She put a hand to the surface, but instead of remarking how real the image was, she noticed her hand. Her physical hand. It was still Mary's. She looked down at herself and Mary's features were still present. She looked back at the image and still saw Mara Jade.
How was this happening?
To answer her, Didi supplied, "Your physical self there exists on a separate plane than this one. In this parallel, you have the physical form of Mary Jane." She nodded at the mirror. "In that plane, you are projecting your mental self, Mara Jade Skywalker. Pretty nifty, huh?"
Mara found her voice. "I asked you this before and never received a straight answer. Who are you? And I want a definition this time."
"A definition, huh? There's a tall order. How about this; I'm the physical personification of an anthropomorphic being. I have six siblings and we make up the sometime dysfunctional family known as The Endless. My brother, Morpheus, is a.k.a Dream."
"Then who are you?"
"Honey, if you of all people haven't figured that out yet...I can tell you that I am your friend. I am everyone's friend, though they sometimes think of me as their enemy."
Mara thought of Didi's definition and her attitude since she met her. Bubbly. Daring. Kind. Soothing. The powerful symbol signifying Life. "It would have to start with a D. There's Dream and Destiny. Hmm...Delight? No. I know. Delirium."
Didi laughed. "Oh, that's a first. Wait till I tell my sister, Delirium, I was mistaken for her. She'd have a field day, and that's literally. She'd spend some time in a field with poppies or some other wild flowers." She paused and calmly stated, "I waited for you. I waited and you never showed."
Mara dared to ask, "Where did you wait for me?"
"Kavan. I believe you called the area the Hapes Cluster. I waited right after your–"
"Death," Mara finished. She gulped and looked at her with Mary's brown eyes. "Am I to go...with you...now?"
"Oh heavens, no. Remember, I've got things to show you. I will tell you now that some things will be hard to see and others a joy. I can't guarantee which you will choose to feel. That is entirely up to you. So...are you ready?"
She looked at her own image and then back at the physical form of...Didi. Mara emphatically uttered, "Yes, I am. Show me."