All is dark around him, but he can still feel the walls closing in on him. It is getting harder to breathe. Distant voices full of malice drift through the darkness.
"Where's the boy?" echo through the clearest in the most hateful voice of them all. It closes in on Harry, getting nearer. Ahead of him the darkness shivers as someone stomps down the stairs above him. He feels the dust covering him.
"Where's that useless boy?" the voice is now shouting. Harry just want to hide away, but there is nowhere to go. The stomping increases, now accompanied with an ugly laughter. Harry is choking on the dust coming down. He has to get out, out of the darkness, but if he does, the owner of the other voice will find him. Of course, he will find him anyway, it is not like Harry's cupboard is a secret.
There is nowhere to hide, nowhere to go. He will always be there, in that small cupboard under the stairs. He knows he will never escape.
Above him Dudley's laugh is becoming manic, as he jumps up and down. Soon he might crash through. Uncle Vernon's voice draws nearer, Harry does not know what he has done this time, but by the sound of his uncle's voice, it is bad. Even in the darkness, he can feel the cupboard spinning, he can feel it crushing him as the space becomes so small he fills it all. The air is now nothing but dust.
Harry screams, but there is no sound.
Harry lies in his bed at Hogwarts, covered in sweat. He knows now that he did in fact escape the cupboard, but it still does not feel like it. He still feel trapped, unable to get free. He still feel haunted.
Trembling, he lies there, afraid to fall asleep, but not wanting to get up and face reality either. So he remains where he is, thinking. He had sat in the common room until all had been quiet around him; everyone else had gone to sleep. Only then had he made himself move and go to bed. Ron's words kept playing on repeat in his head, and he kept seeing the expression on Hermione's face just before she had run away from the common room - from Harry.
Harry was not so sure reality was any better than his nightmares.
Of course, in reality, there was Draco Malfoy.
Draco, whom he had hated for so long.
Draco, who had been the first one to take care of Harry, without questions or asking for anything.
Draco, who now had cost him his friends.
Of course, that last part was not actually so much done by Draco, as it was a choice made by his friends because of Draco.
Reality had Draco, Draco was comfort, Draco was confusion.
At least Harry was used to his nightmares by now. They seldom brought anything new these days.
At some point, Harry must have fallen asleep again, this time without dreaming. He awoke by someone shaking him lightly. Groggily he opened his eyes, trying to focus.
"Hey, Harry. Wake up!" the voice was saying. Harry grunted in response, reaching for his glasses. He found them and the shape beside him turned into Seamus. He was looking slightly worried. Seeing Harry was awake, he relaxed a little. "Hey man, you've overslept. First class is starting in ten minutes. You've got Potions right? I'd hurry if I were you. Strange that Ron didn't wake you up mate." The last line was said with a slight frown. Harry's stomach lurched though. Ron had known Harry had Potions first thing, but still had not bothered even waking Harry.
Harry knew he was responsible for getting up in time himself, but still. Ron had said he needed time to think, but that that included not even waking Harry, when he knew how bad Harry often slept and thus how hard it at times was for him to wake in time… It suddenly felt like a lead weight had settled in Harry's stomach.
Then the reality of Potions starting in ten minutes settled in. Snape was going to kill him. Jumping up from bed he was suddenly a flurry of motion, throwing on his robes and trying to get his tie on somehow in the same motion. Drawing his fingers through his hair, he guessed that would have to do. He knew he looked a mess, but there was nothing he could do. He just could not be late.
Draco was worried. Harry had not been at breakfast. The Weasel and Granger had been there, throwing looks at him like they aimed to kill. No Harry though. And now, he was late to class. Snape might have been on Harry's side during the war, but personally they were still like oil and water. Draco could tell from the look at Snape's face that he was really looking forward to Harry's late arrival.
Strangely, Granger was there even though Harry was not. She had not taken her usual place though, instead she was seated next to Longbottom - that was one person Draco would not had pegged for taking NEWT level Potions, but apparently he needed it to supplement his career choice in Herbology. He really was in need of Granger's help, but still, it was odd.
Dread settled in Draco's stomach, as he realized that it all probably had to do with him. The golden trio had had a falling out yesterday; their talk had clearly not gone well.
Just then, Harry did turn up. Not late by much, but late enough for Snape to start with taking twenty points from Gryffindor and giving Harry detention for the next evening. Draco hardly heard any of that though, he was too shocked by the look of Harry. He looked like he had slept in his clothes, although the sleep part was in question - by the dark circles under his eyes, he looked like he had been awake for ages.
Before Harry could make any decision as to where to sit down, Draco got up and just took him by the sleeve of his robes to lead him to the place beside him. He usually sat alone in Potions, as he did not want any distractions. He needed Os in all his subjects, but Potions was his passion.
Getting up to Harry deserved him a dark look from his godfather. Snape did not say anything though, but Draco knew he was being watched. Snape might be favoring him - and the other Slytherins - compared to the Gryffindors, but that did not mean he could get away with too much. For now though, he was only being observed as Snape probably was trying to figure out the reason behind his action.
As Snape droned on, they sat quietly taking notes. After the theory behind the Pepper-Up potion had been gone through, they started to make the preparations for making it. As they gathered the ingredients, Draco could discretely fix up Harry's robe and hair somewhat though. Not to mention the tie. Luckily, Draco had a wast array of charms to straighten out creases and tying knots, not to mention practical skills in dressing. A Malfoy was never allowed to look sloppy.
He tried to ask Harry how he was doing, but he just shook his head in response. He met Draco's eyes briefly though, and from that he could tell Harry was beyond tired and that he had been correct in assuming a falling out among the golden trio. For a moment, Draco really wanted to put a hex on Granger and the Weasel - had Harry not suffered enough already? And they were supposed to be his friends! Hexing Granger - and later Weasel - would probably just make things worse though. At least he would have to keep his calm until he had actually had the time to talk to Harry.
They worked together silently, Draco making sure to give looks that promised murder to anyone who even looked like they might think of bothering Harry in any way. He caught Granger looking at them a couple of times, her face strangely blank of emotions. Draco did not say anything, as he had promised himself, but he could not help his anger from showing in his face. Both times Granger startled and a mixture of guilt and anger fleeted over her face before it settled down again to nothing.
After Potions Draco had Muggle Studies, while Harry headed of to Transfiguration. They did not have the time to talk, but Draco made Harry promise to meet up with him outside the Great Hall before lunch. That was the best he could do for the moment. He hoped Harry would be at least somewhat okay - he figured it was too much to ask for to hope he would be fully okay.
Pansy walked with him to the Great Hall. As he saw Harry waiting for him, he told her he would meet up with her again later. She nodded and to his great surprise, greeted Harry shortly, before entering the Great Hall. It might not have been an heartfelt hello, but for Pansy to actually acknowledge a Gryffindor without an insult… Well, it was quite a big gesture on her part, and went to show Draco, once again, that although the hierarchy within Slytherin might be a fickle thing, her friendship was true.
Harry seemed startled by her hello, but nodded courtly in reply before turning to Draco. For a short while, they just stood there, facing each other.
"Want to go grab something from the tables and go sit and eat outside somewhere?"
"Sure." Harry's reply was short, but the small smile he gave Draco made up for it.
They found a secluded bench where they sat down to eat their lunch. Eating in quiet, next to Draco, was strangely comforting. There was no pressure to keep up discussion, no constant clamoring surrounding them.
After awhile though, the quiet caused Harry's thoughts to run amok inside his head. Ron's words from yesterday started to shout at him in repeat, but somehow it was Hermione's quiet reaction and abandonment that hurt the most. At least Ron had stayed to say something, no matter how hurtful the words had been. 'Mione had just up and left. He had never thought Hermione would leave like that, without saying why or talking about the matter first.
With Ron it was different. Ron had always been difficult, he had always had his tantrums and later they had always made up. That was just how they were. Although, in this case, Ron had not had a tantrum. He had been quite calm in fact, before he, too, left. Harry did not want to think about that too much. He wanted to think that at least Ron behaved like he always did, and would still come back.
While Harry's mind was busy going through everything, Draco sat quietly beside him. When they finished eating, he took what was left and put it beside them for the house elf's to collect. Hermione would be furious of that, Harry knew, but she was not here now, was she?
"I'm sorry." Harry felt his stomach lurch at Draco's words. He was apologizing? Had he realized that Harry was too much to handle? Had he wanted to come out here, to say that he took back his words from yesterday? That he would not be there for Harry after all?
Something of Harry's thoughts must have shown on his fact, because Draco leaned toward him, putting a hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry," he repeated before continuing, "for all the years before now. I would want to defend myself, but there really isn't anything I can do about the past anyway. I do not plan on walking around apologizing for what has been for the rest of my life, but I do want you to know that I AM sorry." He paused for a short moment. "And right now, I am especially sorry for it as I gather it's the reason Granger and Weasley… seem to be quite… out of sorts at the moment." His voice was steady, even though he did seem to hesitate at his choice of words a couple of times.
Harry looked at Draco, his eyes reflected the sincerity heard in his voice. He did not know what to say. His instincts told him to just lean close and say that all is forgiven, but he wanted to give Darco's words and his response the serious consideration that they deserved. Finally, he spoke up though.
"You're not the only one to blame, you know. For the past, that is. I judged you from the moment we first met, without giving it any more thought, and treated you thereafter." He smiled apologetically, "And I'm sorry for that. When it comes to Ron and 'Mione… Well, they do hate you, but I don't think you should apologize for being the reason why they reacted like they did and… did what they did." Harry's voice staggered somewhat on the thought of his friends abandonment. Draco's calmness helped him to keep his thoughts focused though, to finally say out loud what he barely dared to think. "No matter how they disagreed with… us, they should have at least listened to me. Not just… left." At the last word, Draco's eyes narrowed.
"What do you mean just left?"
"Yeah well, they asked why about, you know, our kiss, and then well, I just said… Well, that I don't hate you anymore," Harry felt his face blush when thinking about his actual wording, but he just could not say that out loud to Draco, at least not yet, "and then they, well, left. 'Mione did, anyway. Ron took the time to remind me of why to hate you first, before he followed suit." Harry could not help some bitterness to shine through at his words.
Draco closed his eyes for a second, with an expression like he was in pain. When he opened his eyes again, he made sure he was looking straight at Harry when he spoke. "I guessed it was bad, their reaction, but I had thought it meant arguing and fighting. Not this. I'm really sorry, or no, actually, I'm really angry at their behavior." Harry met his eyes for awhile, but then he had to turn away as his emotions got too intense. "Yeah…" he muttered, mostly to himself. He just did not know what more to say. The situation sucked, but what could you do?
Quietly, Draco put an arm around Harry's shoulder. They sat like that for a little longer, until they had to head back inside for their afternoon classes.
Harry felt better, after the lunch and talk with Draco. Not that they had talked that much, but just telling him about 'Mione and Ron had felt like a weight lifting from his shoulders. Also, the more he thought about it, the more he appreciated Draco's words of apology, and respected it. It could not have been easy to say. Thinking about their shared past, he could not help but feel real regret and wonder what could have been if he had not dismissed the blond at first sight. Yeah, he had turned out to be a bully, just like he had judged him to be, but what would have happened if he had not made that judgment? If instead he would have taken Draco's hand, back then when they were only eleven, and given him a chance to maybe become something else?
Feeling a twinge of sadness, he could not help but feel the importance about Draco's words about not going to walk around apologizing for the past. They could both have done differently, but the important thing was to move on from that. If only 'Mione and Ron would give it even a chance.
He shook away those thoughts, so that he would not get sucked down by anxiety again. His thoughts wandered on to what had not been said. They had not even graced the subject about what this thing between them was. They had kissed, but what did it mean? Draco had said he would be there for Harry, but as what? Did the kiss mean anything more than momentary comfort? Were they friends? Kissing friends? Friends with benefits? What did Draco want from Harry, in return for his support?
Also, if the past was in the past, what was Harry's feelings for Draco now? What did he want? Did he have the right to want anything? Was Draco's support not enough? Should he not just be happy with whatever he got, and just give him what he wanted in return. Whatever it was. It was not like he had not done that before. Those nights last summer, when he had gone out looking for some comfort from just about anyone he could find. Looking for a way to escape his own thoughts and the emptiness inside him.
He had always known that it was not real. He had known they had not cared for him, only for his body. But for those short hours, he had been able to pretend otherwise. That was until it was all over and he had been left even emptier than before.
What if that was what Draco wanted too? Harry had trouble believing it would be exactly the same as those strangers, but surely Draco wanted something. And then, sooner rather than later, when he got bored of Harry, he would move on and Harry would once again be left to pick up the pieces of himself.
When he had gone out all of those times, looking for just about anyone that would have him, he had at least known what would happen. He had been able to pretend otherwise, but he had still always known.
Sighing to himself, he tried to put the depressive thoughts out of his head. As always before, he found that once there though, they just would not leave.
Draco was a Slytherin after all. He had to have some sort of agenda. If it was just to have Harry's body, Harry knew he would give it. Draco could have anyone though, anyone who's body was not covered in scars. Like Blaise Zabini. He had seemed quite cozy with Nott too the other day. Parkinson seemed to be glued to him at times. Draco really had a lot of options. Maybe he was just tired of Slytherins, Harry thought darkly to himself. Maybe he had already gone through them all, and was now moving on to the other houses.
Harry went through the rest of the days classes just on routine. If spoken to he answered, forgetting immediately afterward what the question had been about.