Many thanks to the northern one for reminding me that I changed the title. Yeah, I thought the title change was appropriate since the original one didn't seem to be quite enough for me the more I wrote. I hope you guys don't mind.
Thanks for your continued support! You guys are really great :)
Have a great Saturday ahead, and see you next week.
11
Firebenders rose with the sun, or so Azula wanted to believe.
Her eyes flew open too quickly and a gamut of offensively bright colors spiraled before her vision. Instantly, she snapped her eyes shut and let out a groan. Pulling herself up into a sitting position, Azula reclined her back against the bedframe, trying to ignore the way her room was tilting oddly.
Harsh hissing noises caught her attention as she let her eyes wander to the edge of her bed. Anyone would have been surprised to find twin snakes in their bed, but Azula was not like most people. She matched their piercing stares with her own, as though daring them move an inch closer.
Poor, poor Princess, their hisses echoed in her head, still a prisoner, after so long. You deserve better.
One of them slithered over her ankle, its sickly yellow eyes watching her. Azula tried not to shudder at the way she could feel every scale on its skin. When it was close enough, it raised itself higher, so that they were now eye to eye with each other. She wasn't quite sure why it was smiling at her. Could snakes even smile?
Where is Toph Beifong, the metalbender? Its tongue darted out, flicking up and down as it spoke. We wanted to say hello. Sink a fang in, or two. Warn her about the dangers of sleeping with our Princess.
Azula narrowed her eyes. "She is not yours to poison."
The snake mirrored her action, and its eyes shrunk. Oh, but it is she that is poisoning you. Can you not feel it? Slithering around her neck, the snake emerged on the other side, still watching her with that stony gaze. Its tongue flicked against her earlobe, almost teasingly. Her every touch leaves a taint. Her every kiss breaks your heart. She is hurting you, Princess. We cannot allow it.
"Hurting me," Azula parroted, her eyebrows furrowing. "I fail to see how that is possible."
The landing, Princess Azula, the landing! She will not catch you. It is foolish to think otherwise. Such a betrayal can be avoided, if you keep her at arm's length.
Azula lifted a hand and wrapped her fingers around its slender body. She felt a tremor, but was unsure of whether it came from the snake, or from her. Slowly, she pulled the snake from her body and dropped it carelessly back onto the bed. It reared its head at her, an unappreciative glint in its eyes.
Do with her what you will, Princess Azula. For now. It was a warning. But Azula knew better. They could never touch her.
It didn't mean their presence was tolerable, however.
"Leave me. And don't come back this time."
The twins' hisses were angry. Startled, even. You would disregard the words of your advisors for the blind one? She is the one who should leave, not we!
Azula swung her legs over the side of her bed and got to her feet. A few steps later, she stood before the mirror. She examined herself, taking care to ignore the angry creatures moving up behind her.
"I prefer 'the blind one'." Her tone was honest. The raw truth in her words shook her. "She does not lie to me." The rest of her words went unspoken. They were far too intimate for the ears of another. Not with her eyes. Not with her body.
When she turned on her heel, the snakes were gone. In their place was something else, and its rage was almost tangible with every breath it took. Its body easily filled up half her room, while its head rested atop her bed.
The dragon watched her as she watched it.
"Princess Azula," the voice of Ozai sprung forth from its mouth, "I've heard certain things about you of late."
Words were lost to her as her jaw went slack at its voice.
Usually, her hallucinations would go away when Azula entered the company of another person.
This one was more stubborn than the others, she noted, as the door swung open before her. Familiar blue eyes greeted her as Nilak swept into the room, a key dangling off his finger. She wanted to scream, to tell him about the dragon watching them both, but the absurdity of such a proclamation would perhaps force him to keep her in her room. And she did not want to stay in here a minute longer.
She offered him a curt nod, inwardly fighting the urge to reach out and throttle him to tell him to move a little faster.
"Good morning," he beamed at her. He waved the key in the air when he caught Azula's blank expression. "I thought you might be happy with this."
"Only because I'm being forced to eat," Azula said stiffly, as the sound of clicking locks eased her. Her thoughts bounded to the many nights when another person freed her from her chains, and it distracted her from the creature for a moment. "I wonder why Zuzu insists that I join him for meals everyday. It's not like he particularly enjoys being in my presence."
As she got to her feet, the creature in the corner let out a low growl. Heat was practically rolling off its body now, though its eyes remained cool.
"Your brother never intended to keep you prisoner, despite your misgivings." Nilak gestured to the abandoned cuffs. "These are just… precautions. He wants you to go through each day normally, without feeling trapped or suffocated."
Her eyes darted to the dragon and back. "How thoughtful of Zuzu."
He nodded towards the door. "Shall we?"
Azula took a deep breath as they stepped out her room. As Nilak closed the doors behind them, she attempted to repress a shiver and wrung her hands. The dragon's eyes were the last thing she saw before she made her way down the hallway with the waterbender at her side.
She clasped her hands behind her back when she realized he was beginning to take note of her nervous actions. "Has no one considered the possibility that I might just stage a coup?" she said, in a bid to redirect his attention elsewhere, "I've done it before, you know."
"Oh, yes. The fall of Ba Sing Se," Nilak's eyes flicked away, as though in deep thought. His gaze returned within a second or so. "You're not fooling me, Azula. Conquest has all but lost its luster in your eyes. It is the last thing on your mind."
"No one knows what I really think. You fool yourself if you think you are a cut above the rest."
The man shrugged, though his eyes remained full of confidence.
They turned a corner together, and Azula nearly walked into a passing servant. The girl yelped in shock as she dropped the tea set she had been holding, the crash of china echoing off the walls. Azula scowled at the cowering servant, careful to avoid stepping on the shards as she gave the girl room to clean up.
"Forgive me, Your Highne—" the young woman stopped herself halfway with a hand to her mouth. "I mean—forgive me." She bowed her head as though in reverence, an illusion Azula expelled all too easily.
She lifted the servant's chin with a finger, and looked into her fearful brown eyes. "I am no princess."
"But—but you are the Fire Lord's sister," the girl spluttered.
Azula withdrew her hand as Nilak gripped her shoulder. It was a silent warning. "Carry on, then," Azula said airily, before resuming her stroll.
The peace of their walk was interrupted yet again as a flurry of chattering people came into view, out of a corner at the end of the hall. Azula stopped short when one of them pushed past her roughly, caught up in the cacophony of complaints, and seized the woman by the arm.
"Watch where you're going," Azula said, an edge coming into her voice. The noblewoman's eyes widened as she realized who it was that was speaking to her.
Nilak hastily stepped in and pried her hand from the woman's arm, shaking his head as he did so. Azula ignored his silent plea and kept her eyes straight, staring the whole lot of them down now.
She may not be a princess, but she would not be treated like filth.
"It's you," the woman breathed, reeling in horror as she stepped away from Azula.
A man moved up beside the fearful woman, hatred swimming in his eyes as he took a brief glance at her hands. "I didn't think the Fire Lord would be so lenient as to let you walk around without bindings." His words were brave, though he looked ready to bolt down the hallway at any moment. "Enjoy your temporary freedom, you monster. Our protests will get through."
Azula found that she didn't have it in her to ignore offending sights. "I'll be sure to congratulate you when the day comes."
"Fire Lord Zuko will have to give in to the demands of his people sooner or later. It's only a matter of time before you join your scumbag father in that rotten cell of his—"
Like clockwork, her hand swept out at the man's wretched face, flames trailing along its arc. The nobleman let out a howl and fell to his knees, dodging her attack by a mere fraction. His topknot was singed at the top, the sizzle of it like music to Azula's ears. Nilak slapped her hand away as she raised it for a second strike, determined not to miss, but his eyes were not on her. He glared at them with a ferocity she had never seen before, his features taut and threatening.
"You would do well not to provoke the sister of the Fire Lord," he said, the calmness of his tone concealing an undercurrent of rage. "The consequences you'll face will be much more severe, I imagine."
"And who are you?" a shorter, balding man—much like Iroh, Azula observed—piped angrily. "Don't you know who we are, water tribe parasite? The war is over, but you still have a long way before you can consider yourself an equal of ours!"
It was ironic that she felt anger rising to the surface as the man insulted Nilak.
"I am a man who knows not to look for trouble like a crazed fool," Nilak bit back, taking a step towards the nobles, who all took a united step back in response. "You have no right to insult one of royal blood—"
"And you have no right to talk back to me!" The bald one struck out at Nilak with a flaming fist. "Know your place, peasant!"
In one swift movement, Azula had the man locked by the arm. As she twisted it at the unlikeliest angle, he sank to the ground, howling in pain. The other nobles staggered back, trembling with terror.
"Guards!" he spluttered. "Guards, arrest this foul woman!"
Soldiers surrounded Azula, their spears at a threatening distance to her body. "Let him go!" one of them yelled, "Either we remove him or we remove you!"
"Stand down, this man needs to be taught a lesson—"
"Azula, let him go," Nilak's voice was firm.
"Please," the man on the ground whined. She grimaced at the pathetic sound.
"Dispose of him, Princess. He reeks."
The dragon seemed to have come out of nowhere and loomed above her, cackling with her father's voice. Her throat grew tight as she lifted her eyes to the floating creature.
When had it broken out of her room?
No other illusion had ever haunted her so passionately—so determinedly. Her grip slackened as she heard the shouts of the soldiers around her, and the crying of the noblewoman she had grabbed earlier on.
"What are you waiting for?" it asked, the weight of its gaze more than she could take. Frightened golden eyes glistened in the light of dragon fire. She could barely contain the softest gasp as a bead of sweat trickled down her face. The heat of the flame was the closest thing to being touched by one of them.
She swallowed, hating how hard it was for her to even move an inch. Who are you?
The dragon narrowed its eyes as it drew back, seemingly reflecting on her unspoken question just as much as she was.
The bald, sweaty man was pried from her grip as she stumbled backwards. She found herself in the arms of Nilak. Her eyes glazed over his face, barely noticing the worry that was etched all over it. Her hand fell to his arm and gripped it tightly.
"Let me go." It cannot touch me.
She stood by herself as Nilak obliged, and reached up to wipe the sweat that gleamed on her forehead.
"Dragon fire is impressive, is it not?" the creature leered at her. "Do you wish to have it? Then do not choose to fail me, Princess Azula. Do not choose to fail all of us."
She turned away from its gaze, and met with Nilak's.
"Are you alright?" asked the waterbender, his hand settling on her shoulder.
"I'm fine." Azula started walking again, and let out an explosive sigh. "I was just thinking about whether he'd like to eat fire or lightning before you ruined my fun."
She could hear the guards rounding up the nobility and ushering them away with loud barks despite their indignant protests. Azula knew it only worked because they were armed. Their voices echoed down the hallway behind her, accompanied by the pounding of boots, and the sounds blared in her ears long after they had faded.
As though out of leniency, the dragon stole the heaviness from the air as it disappeared down the hall.
There were still remnants of its angry whispers in her head. Even the Avatar's voice could not distract her as she had hoped it would. She let her gaze wander past all their faces, and out the window. The sky was cloudless; sunlight filled the room and gave a brightening quality to everything it touched.
She felt sure the spirits were mocking her. Why let the day be so beautiful when she cannot enjoy it?
A fist landed on the table, rattling more than just the plates of food. Sokka jumped in his seat, unwittingly spilling water all over himself, while Zuko and Katara eyed her warily. Aang fell silent, directing an uncertain but sheepish grin her way. Toph was the only one that kept eating.
Azula hated how looking at Toph calmed her and shook her at the same time.
"Are you alright, Azula?" She tore her eyes from the metalbender to look at Aang. "You don't look so good."
This seemed to stir a reaction out of the blind girl across her. Toph lifted her head, coming to attention at Aang's words. Azula turned her head, her eyes forward, half-expecting the metalbender to say something.
She did not, of course. No one knew of their entanglement.
No one knew, or they chose to ignore it.
"I'm fine," she managed, after a while. She cleared her throat, moving to throw out the first excuse she could think of. "Sleep did not come easy to me." It was believable because it was true.
She wasn't sure if she imagined the twitch of Toph's lips as she finished her sentence.
No one knew what to say. Azula dropped her gaze to her hands, resting on her lap, effectively extinguishing all chances of conversation. The creaking of opening doors made her look over her shoulder. She could barely stop herself from scowling as she met with the eyes of the woman at the door.
"Oh, what a surprise." If her words held any truth, it did not show on her face. "I didn't think you had it in you to stick around."
"People can be surprising. You would know, wouldn't you?"
The Fire Lady crossed the room and dropped herself into the seat beside Zuko. Propping her elbows up onto the table, Mai knotted her fingers together and rested her chin atop her hands. She observed Azula with little to no interest, her lips compressed into a thin line.
"Yeah," Mai finally said, as though it had been the hardest thing to say, "I guess so."
Azula catalogued the changes in her former friend. She had grown a little taller. Her cheekbones were more pronounced. Azula wasn't sure if she had become paler, or if that was the work of the sunlight. At the end of her silent assessment, Azula drew back and leaned against her backrest, giving Mai an appraising look.
"You look well," Azula forced out, drumming her fingers on the top of her armrest. The mechanical movement helped to keep her sanity in check—if there was anything left of it.
"Do I? I've been up all night doing paperwork for the Fire Lord." When Zuko made a strangled noise at the back of his throat, she sighed. "Don't look so put out, Zuko. You were tired. You've been seeing those people for days on end."
Azula couldn't resist. "I'm surprised you're still surviving, Zuzu. They're not a pleasant bunch."
Zuko finally matched her gaze with his own, though his was in question. "How would you know?"
"I was acquainted with a few of them before I got here." Her smile was plastic. "One of them told me that I was going to join Father soon. Is that true?"
The Fire Lord blanched.
"What's the answer you want to hear?" Mai sprung to her husband's defense, her eyes sharp and almost angry. Briefly, Azula remembered herself sitting by the fire on the shores of Ember Island. She remembered Mai's outburst and chortled at the recollection, not caring whether anyone thought her insane.
She'd gone past the point of no return a long time ago.
Realizing everyone was staring at her, she shrugged. "The one you have."
"Well, I have nothing yet," Mai dropped her gaze to her nails, the same way Azula always did. The only difference was that Mai really did want to check her nails, while Azula always did it to spite the people who wanted her attention. The Fire Lady looked up at Azula. "We'll need to see results."
Nilak cleared his throat just as Azula opened her mouth to speak. She looked sourly at him, but remained silent.
"I assure you, Lady Mai," Nilak leaned forward slightly, "You will have results. Good ones."
Azula scoffed, and stood up with the scrape of her chair.
"Where are you going?" Zuko asked, looking ready to stand up as well, "You're not allowed to go off on your own like that."
"Don't you worry, Zuzu," Azula spun on her heel and made her way towards the door, "I'll be good."
"Azula—"
The door slammed shut and drowned her brother out, and she walked away from the only place where she would not have to face the scheming snakes and angry dragon.
Countless steps later, Azula realized someone was tailing her. She ignored her stalker and emerged into the courtyard.
The air was light, undisturbed by dragons or snakes of any sort. Breathing came easily as she crossed the yard, the grass beneath her feet prickling her softly. A breath of wind pushed her gently, coaxing her towards the pond. There was no real reason for her to be here.
Or maybe you just couldn't look at Mai a second longer.
The thought was her own, she noted with relief. She hitched up her robe and sank noiselessly onto the ground, enjoying the warmth of the sun and the gentle lull of the wind. Her eyes darted across the shimmering water of the pond to the turtle-ducks, and suddenly felt out of place.
This was Zuko's usual haunt, not hers.
She shook her head in disbelief. This was her home as much as his. Stretching out her legs, she dipped her toes into the cooling water. Excited squeaks burst forth as turtle-ducks glided over to her toes, ready to inspect this odd intrusion. Gentle ripples were left in their wake, and soon they gathered round her wriggling toes.
Azula watched in amusement as the tiniest one pecked at her toe.
"Not food," she chided, though her tone lacked the required sternness. She nudged the creature away gently, but it did not budge. "I imagine my brother has forgotten to feed you."
The creature peered up at her with a blank look.
"Don't worry, though," she continued, as though she knew it understood her, "He's busy now, but even Fire Lord duties won't keep him away. That's our little promise, but don't tell him I said that when he comes by to see you."
The turtle-duck squeaked, and a genuine smile spread across her face.
"At least you're not hissing things into my ear like a perverted snake." Azula leaned forward, against her raised knees. She made tiny ripples with her toes, and watched the little creatures chase each other in the water.
We intrude because we care, Princess.
Azula felt her blood run cold, and dug her toes into the soil beneath the water. As she drew back, the snakes slithered over her lap, their hisses returning like a recurring nightmare.
"You're about as annoying as Mother," she told them, keeping her voice even and her fists tightly clenched. "Don't you know when to give up?"
The hissing grew louder, more insistent, as their yellow eyes bore into her soul.
This will stop when you start to listen to us and your dragon-father.
"Dragon… father?" Azula reflected on these words as the snakes hissed with glee.
Oh, yes. The will of Ozai is not so easily forgotten or left behind. He will make sure you remember.
She had the maddest urge to scream at them, but her voice failed her just as words had. She snapped her eyes shut, gnashing her teeth together as she willed them to disappear, to leave her alone.
The hissing persisted and she sank her fingers into the soil beneath her hands, trying to keep herself grounded. Trying to separate illusion from reality, and not let them mix together into a haze. Her breathing became labored as she felt the light flutter of their tongues on her skin.
Don't run away from destiny, child. Embrace it. This is who you are.
She didn't know when their hisses began to sound like crashing waves. She didn't care, either, because when she opened her eyes again she was not in the courtyard. She was at sea, aboard an empty ship, save for its only passenger. The storm was raging above her, lightning crackling across the sky in blinding flashes accompanied by the deep timbre of thunder.
The rain hit her face like tiny needles, pricking her mercilessly as she held onto the side of the ship, barely able to get to her feet. She slid back onto the metal deck every time she tried, and eventually gave up and took to clinging to the railing.
She was completely aware that this was not real, but that knowledge did nothing to calm her nerves.
She nearly screamed when the ship broke apart at a lightning strike, and lost her grip on the slippery surface. She fell into the raging sea, its gray depths enveloping her completely as she struggled to fight the currents below. Her eyes flew open and she saw nothing but her flailing hands, clawing at nothing as she strained to get to the surface. Bubbles escaped from her mouth as she tried to call for help, but she didn't know who she was trying to call out to.
She needed to get out.
Somewhere down the line, Azula found that she no longer had it in herself to fight the sea. Perhaps this is better, she thought, as her eyes began to close, if I die, I'll have it easy, won't I?
When a hand slid around her waist and fished her out of the water, Azula felt sure that the spirits were making a point to always do the exact opposite of what she wanted. The sun greeted her as her eyelids flew open, its cheerfulness mocking her as she gasped for air.
Foolishly, she wondered when the sky turned green.
"Azula!" came an impatient growl. "Snap out of it!"
Azula, she repeated in her mind, that's my name.
Her eyes slid back into focus as she heard the familiar voice above the pounding in her ears. She reached for the first thing she could touch and found herself gripping Toph's hand, not caring whether she was trembling violently or whimpering. Her fingers slid into the spaces between Toph's in jerky movements as she breathed sharply.
"Hold… still," Azula hissed, her features tight with panic. Another hand reached up to touch Toph's face. "I want to—to see your face."
Toph's eyes had never looked softer. "That's hardly fair, 'cause I can't see your face at all."
The alarm ebbed away as the thumping in her chest lulled back to normalcy. She slid her hand behind Toph's neck and let her pull her up into a sitting position.
"Why is it that… when you're around the snakes are… gone?" Azula was hardly aware of what she was saying. She just needed to speak, to function again, to see if she was properly alive and not actually being smothered by more illusions.
For the first time, she prayed that this was her reality.
A smile made its way onto Toph's face. It wasn't the roguish smile she always had or the one after she came up with a jarring remark. It was the one Azula had seen when her name left her lips that night. Azula tried not to shudder at the sight of it.
"Beats me. Maybe they know I'd crush 'em like a leaf if they came any nearer."
She tightened her grip and leaned forward to kiss Toph, straining like it's taking the last of her strength. She welcomed the respite she tasted on Toph's lips, and felt that she was sure of one last thing.
She does not lie to me.
She closed her eyes, and found no foul reptile waiting for her.
Toph left her at the door. The guards looked at her questioningly as she spoke, brushing the hair from her face, "I gotta get a letter out to my parents. Katara's waiting for me."
Azula knew the letter could wait, but she didn't miss the undertone of Toph's words. Appearances must be maintained.
"Fine."
Azula watched Toph's retreating figure until it disappeared around the corner. A shudder overcame her as she stood rooted to the spot. The urge to follow after Toph clung to her like a weight around her neck, and she instinctively reached up to rub away the imaginary soreness. She wondered when she had begun to hate being on her own, when a nervous cough made her jump.
She directed her gaze to her watchers. One of them had his hand on the handle of the door, his eyes questioning. They never spoke to her, but spoke to each other when they thought she was asleep at night. Most nights, they talked about the city's unrest. When their self-restraint was loosened by fatigue, they spoke about the Fire Lord and their dangerous charge. Their words had not been kind.
Azula threw one last look at the end of the hall, her searching gaze crumbling with disappointment when she found it empty. As she took heavy steps forward, the stone-faced soldier pushed the door open for her. The door closed behind her before she could change her mind and wait outside for Nilak. Inside the room, her bed was not how she had left it. The bed sheet's creases had all but disappeared, smoothened by invisible hands. Azula didn't quite like the idea of having palace servants in her room when she wasn't around, and, by a force of habit, ran her hand across its softness as though to make sure there was no blade hidden underneath.
She relaxed when she found nothing.
She felt foolish for being so wary. Zuko was anything but careless, and he would pick his most trusted men and servants to surround and enter her quarters. He may not love her, but his loyalty lay with his family. This knowledge made her wonder how he felt, straining to protect a relationship that was anything but mutual.
The sound of knocking made her snap to attention. Instantly, she knew who her visitor was. Nilak was the only one who ever bothered to treat her civilly with gestures like knocking before entering. As much as she thought it was unnecessary—I'm a prisoner, not the Princess was the unspoken basis of that belief—Azula preferred not to come off as ungrateful and let the man indulge her with minimal objections.
She crossed her room and opened the door. The wattage of his smile blindsided her, and she stepped aside to let him in.
"Toph came by to tell me that you were back in your room." Nilak spun on his heel and faced her, his hands clasped behind his back. His eyes were raw with concern, a sight Azula had seen one too many times but was still unable to get used to. "How are you feeling?"
Azula took her time to shut the door. A long, icy shiver flowed over her body at the thought of the twin snakes. Of the dragon-father.
"Better." Azula turned back to Nilak, a smirk bravely in place. "Did I cause any trouble?"
"Not at all," he replied. "Toph assured Zuko that she would, and I quote, 'kick Fire Lily's ass if she tried anything stupid' before she went after you."
Kick my ass, huh? Azula laughed, though she was unsure of whether it was because she knew Toph would not succeed or because Toph thought she could. She had an inkling that it was neither, but refocused quickly when she realized she'd been thinking for too long. Nilak's stare was one of puzzlement.
"Well," she straightened herself, "She didn't have to."
"I can see that." Nilak cleared his throat and rummaged through the contents of his bag. Fishing out a nameless book, he placed it on her writing desk. He proceeded to pull out black sticks—Azula quickly recognized them as charcoal as she approached her desk—and placed it beside the book. He looked up at her, "Let's get started, shall we?"
Azula dropped into her seat while eyeing the charcoal sticks as though they were diseased.
"I cannot paint with these."
Nilak reached out and picked one up, as though to scrutinize it along with her.
"Are you unfamiliar with charcoal drawings? I would think the academy taught their ladies everything, or almost everything."
Azula let her eyes wander for a moment as she thought about school. The Royal Fire Academy had never given them the chance to indulge in the arts. In fact, the Fire Nation had never placed an importance on self-expression. The most important thing was discipline, and the great practice of firebending.
"No, they didn't. This is the Fire Nation, after all. Besides," she drew back and leaned against the soft cushion of her backrest, "who needs art when you've got bending?"
Nilak hummed in understanding, as indicated by his nod. He looked slightly worried at this point, but did not falter.
"Well, no matter. You don't really need prior experience; quality comes second."
Azula bristled irritably at his words and the insinuation in them that might not have been there at all. She looked down, away from his tired eyes, and picked one charcoal stick up for herself. She ran her thumb slowly across its coarse body as a serious question came to mind.
"Can I set fire to these once I'm finished with this…" Azula trailed off as she waved the stick in the air, "whatever this is?"
Nilak chortled, shaking his head in amusement. "It won't be anytime soon, even if I agree."
She leaned forward with a conspiratorial smile firmly in place. "Think of it as a cheap motivation for me to produce the needed results. We wouldn't want the Fire Lady to put me back in the asylum, or worse—convince Zuko to have me killed, now do we?"
His sigh was sagged with frustration. "Have it your way, then." He started into a slow pace, up and down the length of her desk. "Now, the point of this exercise is to assist with your self-expression," he eyed her with a knowing smile, "and I know you have some trouble with that."
Azula let out a snarl, his words pricking her.
"Don't look so offended. It only hurts because it's true."
"Get on with it," she snapped, and he fell back into his pacing once more.
"You will do this on your own time," Nilak went on, and turned his gaze from her, "and we will convene once a week to talk about yourself. In this way, you learn to open up. In this way, you understand yourself."
Azula let out a snort. "I understand myself enough to know that I think killing is a much simpler chore." She looked away as he gave her a sidelong glance. "Feelings make such a mess, unlike spilled guts." She hit him with a smile, the brightness of it almost unbearably eerie.
His lips twitched, his features creasing unpleasantly.
"Is that so?"
She was enjoying unnerving him way too much. There was a glint in her eyes as she replied confidently, "Oh, yes. Why let feelings get in the way of everything? They're redundant. They weigh you down." She leveled her gaze. "And if you're not careful, you'll drown. I can do without them."
"Is that so?" Nilak repeated, and ground to a halt. He paused for half a minute—Azula took to counting when the silence began to deafen her—and then: "That's going to be a problem, since your drawings must always come from the heart."
She cocked her head to one side, eyeing him.
"Couldn't I just bleed all over the pages?" Her lips twitched into a mocking smile. "That comes from the heart, too."
"It could work, but then again, I can't imagine Zuko would be pleased to see his sister indulge in self-mutilation."
"Oh, he would be pleased," Azula's eyes narrowed, "if I died from it."
Nilak walked up to the front of her desk, gripping its edges with both hands. His stare was suddenly intense, and Azula had to look away.
"Your eyes may not show the truth, but your words do," he said, the timbre of his voice causing her to shake, "You don't think emotions are redundant. No, you know you have them, Azula, and you fear them."
She slammed her palms onto the table surface and rose to her feet, matching his gaze with her own. She was barely aware of her shaking voice.
"I do not—fear anything! You don't know me. No one does."
"Then show me!" Nilak sharpened his gaze. "Show me who you are."
"Why should I? It's not like you're going to like me any better if I do." Azula clawed at the smooth wooden surface of her table, her fingers curling and uncurling. "I know what you're going to do with them! You're going to show them to Zuko and tell him that his sister is beyond help." Her eyes grew livid. "Beyond redemption. This will be all the proof everyone needs."
"You don't know what you're talking about," Nilak shook his head at her venomous accusation. "Everything you're showing me—everything we're talking about—is confidential. If you think me the type to engage in gossip behind your back—"
Azula burst into maniacal laughter, not caring whether it sounded like screeching nails. "Oh, it's not just you! Everyone does that. Everyone's a liar. They think I don't know, but they talk about me whenever they can. Even the guards do it."
"The lies are your own! You poison yourself under the pretense that you are protecting yourself," Nilak leaned in so abruptly that Azula had to draw back, and she was vaguely aware that her eyes were glistening with fear. "The only thing stopping you from redemption is yourself. The fault is your own."
Azula recalled words from a seemingly distant memory as she fell back into her chair.
It only hurts because it's true.
"No," she spat, jerking suddenly from the slimy feel of snakeskin around her ankles. "No!"
Show them, Princess. Show them your heart. They will see, and they will understand.
An invisible grip pulled a hand towards the charcoal stub. Flipping open the drawing book, she dragged the little stub across the paper again. And again. And again. After what seemed like an eternity, she released the object from her grip and exhaled.
She pushed her drawing book towards the mortified waterbender. There was not a spot on the page that was unmarked by the charcoal.
"There," Azula told the paper acidly, and forced an unpleasant smile as the snakes slithered up her legs, "Exactly what you wanted from me. Now get out."
She started sobbing when the door slammed shut.
The shadows were her cover, bathing her as she slunk into their embrace. The snakes hissed encouragement in her ears with every step she took.
Even now, your brother remains treacherous. Go see for yourself, Princess. Go.
Once the guards disappeared around the corner behind her, Azula reached out and pulled the door open until the opening was large enough for her to slip through. She had to remind herself that she was no longer the tiny form she had been, and moved carefully.
Once she'd closed the door behind her, she quickly slipped behind the maroon curtains, careful not to let her chains sway too much. By then, Zuko was already deep in conversation with the Avatar; she could see their forms huddled side by side on the ground. The only real thing that differentiated the two boys was the Fire Lord's headpiece that stood out proudly from Zuko's head—if it hadn't been there, they would have simply looked like two ordinary boys.
Aang's voice echoed clearly in the vastness of the throne room. "You know, you should get some sleep instead of sitting here. It's not helping."
"I would if I could," Zuko's voice was brittle, almost as though he was on the verge of tears. "What are you doing up, Aang? Aren't you supposed to be asleep?"
The Avatar chuckled. "Guess I'm breaking my own rule, too."
"Well, sit down, then. It's going to be a long night."
Azula found the split between the two curtains and peered through a small opening. She could see their silhouettes against the dim lighting of the throne room. The Fire Lord's flames were not present; the only source of light was from the candles hanging off the walls. Zuko was sitting with his knees to his chest. Aang, on the other hand, sat with a straightened back and crossed legs. He was looking at his friend, who was staring at the ground.
A boy and a monk, to the very last.
"Everything's a mess," Zuko bit out finally, as though it took every ounce of his strength to admit such a thing.
"At least we're not at war," Aang offered kindly, but the Fire Lord just shook his head.
"We might as well be, Aang. Do you know how many generals have left my side already? Three."
Azula raised an eyebrow. Isn't that a little bit extreme?
"And the best part is that I don't even know why," Zuko threw his hands up, "They were bastards, sure, but even I never pegged them as deserters."
"You don't know why they left?" Aang inquired. Azula could almost hear the frown in his voice. "That's weird, Zuko. Have you tried looking into it?"
"Damned if I didn't. But nothing's turned up. It's like they vanished into thin air."
"So they're covering their tracks well. That means they're up to something." Aang got to his feet, scratched his head as he began pacing slowly. "Do you think it has anything to do with Azula?"
Zuko hissed, a low angry sound. "I think it has everything to do with Azula. They left when they found out about her return to the palace, and never looked back. I wasn't even aware they were gone until one of the servants came and told me they'd just… packed everything up and left."
"Well, we can't do anything about them now," Aang said, pausing to look at his friend, "But what about the people? Anything weird happening?"
"You mean like if they're leaving the city?" Zuko shook his head, "Nothing out of the ordinary yet. All I'm doing is seeing them everyday, listening to them complain about how dangerous it is to let a war criminal live in the palace." He dragged a hand down his face. "They're just afraid she's going to steal the throne and bring back the war, but they're too scared to say it to my face."
Aang began pacing again, "And the rebels, what about them?"
"Still raiding my villages and spreading the word like wildfire. Sooner or later, the other nations are going to hear about this," Zuko growled, "I sent a detachment to apprehend them, but I know that won't be enough." He stopped, perhaps to catch his breath. "It's obvious they're not going to give up and go along with my soldiers nicely."
"We can only hope they succeed. But you don't know their numbers."
"They're like damned moles, hiding it out underground! I wish they'd just come directly to me and we can—can—"
"Talk?" supplied Aang, though his tone was less than eager. "Most of them aren't even your people, Zuko. They know you're Fire Lord, but they also know that other thing—that you're Azula's brother. They know you won't let anyone lay a finger on her, or else you would have had her executed by now."
"So what am I supposed to do? I can't just kill them! I can't hunt them down just because it's my nation they're threatening to tear apart. If I do anything to them, and the Earth King or water tribes hear about this, I'm going to stir up another war."
"Good," Aang affirmed as he nodded, "You know the risks."
"It's a delicate situation," Zuko groaned, "Everyone's still trying to pick up the pieces after the war. It's been four years, but that will never make a difference. War never really goes away—not for the victims, not for my people, not for me." He let out a snarl. "I wish Uncle were here."
"You could always ask him to come back."
"It's tempting," the Fire Lord grumbled, "But he's—argh, I can't just order him back here like it's his duty! He's retired. He needs to stay retired."
"But you can't do this alone, can you?"
"I have you! I—I have—"
"Your father?" Aang's tone was uncharacteristically flat.
Zuko rose to his feet. Slowly. Carefully. His voice shook as he spoke, "What's that supposed to mean?"
"You know what I mean, Zuko."
There was an unbearable buzzing in Azula's ears as the two figures fell silent. She gripped the thick curtain tighter, clenching her fists in apprehension until her knuckles turned white. What does a powerless man have anything to do with this?
"I'm not sure I do," Zuko croaked. "Why are you bringing him up all of a sudden?"
Aang gripped the young Fire Lord by the shoulder. "Because you've been seeing him recently—frequently," he said with a rare seriousness. "You can't lie to me here. You can't hide it from everyone forever."
Zuko stumbled away from Aang's hold on him. "Who told you that?"
"Mai," Aang replied, "And don't ask me how she found out." He shook his head. "She wouldn't tell me a thing, except that you've been heading to the prison every other night in secret."
"Is that why you're here? To get a confession out of me?" asked Zuko, in short, angry breaths. He bristled as Aang took a step toward him.
"Don't change the subject," Aang said, "I want to know why you're doing this."
"Because I need help!" howled Zuko, his anger bursting forth like a sudden storm, "I don't know what to do, Aang! Don't you see?" He gripped the Avatar's shoulders tightly, and shook the boy roughly. "Everything's falling apart. I'm supposed to be the Fire Lord, the leader of my nation, but I can't even deal with my sister without my people banging on my door every morning and more of them getting killed elsewhere!" Zuko finally let go of his friend, and turned away as he buried his face in his hands. "I had no choice."
Aang swept at the air before him. "You don't need him."
Zuko strode towards his throne and swept his hand, lashing out at the dais, letting flames spring forth and surround the seat. He made no move to approach it, however. He merely stared at it, rooted to the spot, as though it wasn't his to claim.
"He was ambitious, and he was cruel. But he was also the Fire Lord before me, and he knew what he was doing. I don't!" Zuko's stupid voice cracked at the end, and he threw a punch at his own flames.
"That's not true," Aang argued, stepping up to Zuko's side. He made a gesture at the throne before them. "The people who showed up in the plaza that day think otherwise, Zuko. You don't need Ozai. You need to trust yourself."
"And I don't!" Zuko let out a cry of frustration, his voice tight. "You're supposed to understand me!"
"And I do—"
Zuko continued rambling as though his friend hadn't spoken, "I know the responsibility scared you! If not you wouldn't have run away. I'm scared too," he jabbed his chest with his thumb, his voice beginning to escalate further, "and I want to run away but I can't! If I do, then my sister will die and my nation will fall. I didn't have that privilege—"
Oh, Zuzu, Azula thought as she resisted the urge to laugh aloud, Wrong move.
"You think it was a privilege?" Aang interjected angrily, his yelling bouncing off the walls and returning to Azula ten times louder than it actually was, "How could you say that to me? To me, the last one of my kind! I'm the last airbender, and it's my fault that I am! If I didn't leave—if I chose to stay with them—I could have saved them! You don't know how it felt to look at the bones of your friends—"
Azula's lips twitched into a smile as she witnessed the blossoming of the Avatar's anger. She never would have suspected he was capable of such palpable rage.
"Aang—"
The boy's tattoos and eyes glowed with a blue brilliance as he ignored Zuko completely. Violent gusts of wind threatened to reveal her presence to them, and Azula grabbed onto the curtains tightly.
"You be thankful you have the privilege of having the choice to stay. Be thankful I'm here to tell you this!"
"Aang, calm down!" yelled Zuko, forcing his friend to stay grounded with strong hands. "I'm sorry for what I said—"
At his words, the Avatar state went dormant. The young monk sighed and hunched his back as his feet touched the ground again. He turned away to make his way down the steps. "I'm tired, Zuko. I'm going to bed."
"No, wait," Zuko held Aang back by the shoulder. "Please. I wasn't thinking."
"Yeah, you weren't."
"I shouldn't have said what I said. Forgive me."
"I'm not talking about that," Aang waved it off, looking distracted. "I know you're under a lot of stress, and you want to find an answer quickly." He turned to face Zuko now, and placed a hand on his shoulder. Zuko flinched at the contact, after witnessing his rage, but did not pull away. "But you told Azula to leave him behind. You're supposed to mean it, Zuko."
Zuko sighed, and rubbed his face. It was a long time before he said something again. "…Thank you, Aang."
He suddenly turned to Aang and bowed, and Azula shuddered at how humbling it was. And it was just getting good, too.
"I have a thought," Aang said, after a minute was spent in companionable silence.
Zuko's silence meant consent, and Aang stepped further away from the dais, running a hand over his bald head. "Remember how everyone protested against Ozai's imprisonment?"
"How could I not?" Zuko said, cringing at the memory, "They wanted an execution, as I recall."
"They thought I was endangering everyone by sparing his life." Hands behind his back, Aang resumed his pacing. "But then we told them about energybending. We told them that I took away Ozai's firebending, the day the war ended."
"What are you saying? Do you want to take away Azula's bending, too?" If Azula didn't know any better, she might have thought Zuko sounded defensive.
"No," Aang shook his head, "It would be easy, but Azula… I don't think she's going to take it well."
Smart choice, Azula thought. She strained her ears as their voices softened.
"So what's your plan?"
"I want Azula to prove herself to them. What if she changed, Zuko? Just think of the possibilities. What if she stepped up and showed everyone… something else? Something different, something that will…"
"Redeem her," Zuko said quietly. His tone became indulgent now; a little kinder. "I see where you're going with this. But Aang… you have to remember who she is. It's not like it's going to happen overnight. Agni, I don't even believe it's ever going to happen. It sounds… ridiculous. No offence."
That's right, Avatar, Azula mused, her eyes growing bitter, remember who I am.
Aang sighed. "Have a little more faith in her. I had faith in you."
"That wasn't faith, back then," Zuko said sternly, "You were naïve. You actually believed we could be friends!"
"And we are."
Zuko groaned. "Yeah, we are! But Azula's not me. We're different."
"How so?"
Words failed the Fire Lord as he fell silent.
Aang suddenly turned his head in Azula's direction. She thought she saw him look right at her, but she couldn't be sure. She forced herself into stillness nonetheless, despite her hammering heart.
"People can be surprising," the monk finally said, when Zuko spoke no further, parroting her words from earlier on. His eyes were the last to tear away from where she was standing as he turned to Zuko. "Wouldn't you think so?"
Aang's words rang in her ears long after their the echo of his voice faded, and she was suddenly wholly aware that the snakes had all but disappeared.