"Look, all I'm saying is this," Renn took another sip of his can of ale, "every single soldier in this war, on both sides, thinks they're the main character of some holo-drama. They all expect they're going to go off to war, learn some lessons, grow as individuals, and come home and grow old without having to look for meaning in the rest of their lives because they already did something 'meaningful'"
"Has anyone else told you, that they like you more sober?" Asu asked.
"Tons of people." Renn said, then continued, "We're all just so conditioned to think that we're the main character, and that this whole war only exists so that we can learn something from it. But the inverse is true. We only exist so that the powers that be can use us as pawns."
"Has it ever occurred to you, that some people who fight for the Rebellion might actually believe in it?" Nom asked. Nom was the only one of them not using any of Asu's extensive narcotics collection.
The collection of spice was scattered across the top of Renn's bed in the captain's quarters. All sorts of vials and bags of different substances sat idly as Renn, Asu, and Shyal passed them around.
Hyperspace was long, and uneventful. You were entirely cut off from the rest of the galaxy, so all you had to keep you company was whatever you brought with you when you made the jump. Its why so many spacers were alcoholics.
"Has anyone told you, you're amazing?" Renn asked Nom with a smile. He liked playing with the Mon Calamari, even if the Mon Calamari didn't seem entirely aware that he was being played with.
"Really?" Nom asked.
"Really." Renn actually meant that too. Nom was a good pilot, and didn't seem to have a mean bone in his body. Renn didn't imagine people like that faired particularly well in war zones, but hey he was still alive, wasn't he?
"So," Asu said, "Lets get the real party going now."
"In what galaxy is this not a real party?" Shyal asked, her brown eyes now blood red.
Asu pulled out Dathomirian force spice. The obsidian black powder caught in the artificial lighting of Renn's cabin and sparkled wildly, as if it had a mind of its own. It was both beautiful and ominous, like staring into a black hole.
"So?" Asu said, grinning from ear to ear, "Who wants some?"
Renn had always wanted to know what was beyond a black hole.
"Right here." Renn finished the last of his ale, smashed the can into a tiny disk between his hands, and flung it across his cabin like a disk.
"Have you done this before?" Renn asked Asu.
The Bothan nodded as he poured the powder onto one of the books in Renn's cabin and cut it into a line. The black line almost disappeared onto the black paper of the book's jacket.
"What did you see?" Renn asked. He was starting to get nervous, but didn't want to back down right now.
"You'll see." Asu handed him the book. The black stripe of powder was right across the title of the book.
Renn bit his nail and stared at the powder. It seemed to call to him.
He looked up and the three other pilots stared at him apprehensively, studying his every move.
The three of them stood in total silence as Renn put his nose to the end of the line and inhaled deeply. The powder caught strangely in his sinus and he snorted a few more times and winced,
"Dammit." Renn said. He could feel his eyes water as the powder started to drip in the back of his throat.
"You okay there?" Shyal asked.
Renn nodded and kept his eyes closed, "So how long does this…."
Renn had never noticed how beautiful the hills above his house were at night. All the mansions were lit up, some flickering on and off like dying stars in the abyss that is the night sky. Around each light a family lived, like moths gathering around a light.
Far below the houses was the beach. The clean perfect beaches of Alderaan, something people came from lightyears away to see and he lived miles away from. He could smell the saltwater.
Renn wondered if the families in the houses on the hill could smell the saltwater too.
He forced his eyes from the houses on the hill and back onto the road in front of him. He was driving his father's speeder, an expensive red sports sedan. Not that his father would ever let him drive it. It was too expensive and he was too irresponsible.
But here he was, driving it.
And his hands were blue. Not that that was something that particularly bothered him. There are certainly worse things in the galaxy than your hands being blue and he was gonna be damned if he let something as trivial as blue hands bother him.
Renn's blue hands were gripped tightly at ten and two on the steering wheel of the speeder as it curved down the road, through a stoplight and past the beach.
It had been a while since Renn had been to one of the beach's on Alderaan, and he took a moment to wonder as to why that is.
Because they're chunks of debris in space.
He laughed manically at that. He wasn't going to let that bother him either.
Besides his hands were red now, how stupid would he have looked to have worried over blue hands when they turn back to red a few minutes later anyways.
Renn never could believe how much people let inane crap bother them. It always seemed surreal.
For some reason that made him laugh again.
He looked out the window of his speeder at the beach. Black tides beat against the gray sands. Only the full moon illuminated the beach, but for some reason it seemed like the hottest day in the middle of summer.
People surfed the cold night waves and frolicked in the cold night sand, as if this would be their last chance to appreciate these small wonders they lived by.
They could always go tomorrow. Renn rolled down his window to scream for them to leave the beach, but only the sound of a woman screaming escaped his mouth.
It would have bothered him more, except now his hands were purple. Renn loved purple.
The beach no longer interested him. Which was rather serendipitous, because it seemed his speeder decided to drive him further down the coast. Past his high school, that didn't belong here, and onto the street he grew up.
Rows of white suburban houses framed by idyllic green grass sat on both sides of the road. Expensive speeders sat in all their driveways. The tide continued lapping on the beach that was only a few feet behind the row of houses.
In the front of each driveway stood the family that lived in that house. Each one standing in formation, as if posing for a portrait, with big stupid grins covering their big stupid faces.
This irked Renn and then his hands turned blue again.
This time his blue hands bothered him. But as he tried to frown he felt the muscles in his face force his cheeks up and his lips open into a warped smile. The same warped smile that each of the posing families wore on their faces.
As his speeder coasted down to the end of the street it stopped in front of his house, but no family stood in front of it.
No one was at his home.
Home.
Renn didn't like this, and silently hoped his hands would turn purple again and cheer him up.
His speeder sat parked in front of his house and he opened the door and walked out. As each of his feet touched the ground it made a splash of colored light jump away from his feet. Each step brought a different color out in full force. Renn wanted the colors to stop running away from him.
He tried to bite his fingernails but his teeth were still clenched in the forced smile he was still wearing.
"Hey."
Renn turned around to see his family's neighbor, Marl Odona, standing besides him. Marl's face was contoured into the same sort of forced smile Renn wore but it didn't seem to bother Marl as much as it bothered Renn.
Why do I let petty stuff like this bother me?
"Renn, did you know your skin is blue?"
"My skin is blue?" Renn said without moving his mouth, "I thought only my hands are blue."
"Maybe. But maybe your skin made your hands blue?"
"Why can't my skin be purple? I like purple."
Marl raised an eyebrow, but his face stayed contorted in a warped smile.
"Does your Mother know your skin is blue?" Marl asked. Marl took a step towards Renn and the colors danced away as Marl walked. That made Renn feel better. The colors didn't only hate him.
I would never wish that someone else had the colors hate them. Why does it comfort me that the colors hate someone else.
"Because you're afraid of being alone, Renn." Marl said.
"Did I say that out loud?" Renn asked. Marl had gotten to close to him that the waves of colors dancing from his feet washed over Renn's feet. It made Renn think of the surfers playing in the night sea.
"No, but I knew it because your skin is blue. Everyone knows your skin is blue, Renn. You can't hide that from people. People know these things."
Behind Marl, Renn could see his house blowing back and forth in the ocean breeze. Dancing like a kite.
Renn remembered a time that his father took him to the park as a child to play with kites. His kite was shaped a fighter jet. Renn wondered if his father knew that he would die inside a fighter jet.
He realized his Father wouldn't, because he was dead.
"Why haven't you been home, Renn?" Marl asked.
"I am home." Renn said as emphatically as possible, as if saying it with all the force he could muster would make Marl agree with him.
Somehow Marl's stationary face let Renn know how wrong he is.
"Your mother wants to talk to you, now that you're home." Marl said.
"Wait, this is home?" Renn felt spring within his heart and he felt like dancing. He wondered if his skin was purple again. He looked at his hands and they were red. Not purple but still better than, having blue skin.
"Your skin is still blue. Only your hands are red. Your mother wants to talk to you."
"Where is she?" Renn pulled his fingernails apart with his other fingernails. He felt his teeth grate against each other.
"She is home."
Renn felt the joy in his chest die and his hands turned blue again. But it was a blue-green, the same color as the ocean during the day. He tried to decide if this was better or worse than being merely blue.
"She is home." Marl said again before turning bright orange and sliding back to his family in front of his house, without moving his feet, and stood there as if he had never moved.
Renn saw a series of purple footprints slowly appear in front of him, leading him off into the night. Renn stepped in the footprints, following them were ever they led. Whenever his foot missed the purple print it made the colors dance, but whenever his footprints landed squarely in the purple nothing happened.
And that was purple.
Renn laughed at that realization.
A voice joined him in laughing. It was a tiny blonde girl, a daughter of one of the neighbors who Renn had babysat when he was in high school. Her hair was braided into pigtails and she smiled through missing teeth at him waving her tiny pale hand. Red and orange danced away from her hand as she waved it at him.
"HII RENN!" She screamed.
Renn smiled and waved back. She giggled when he did and sprinted off. Smoke shot out her back and the sound of a concussion missile boomed as she ran. No child her age should be able to run that fast.
Renn wondered how old she was.
Dead.
Renn laughed again as he followed the purple footprints through the little girls vapor trail. He could still hear her concussion missile sound. He wondered if she had a lock on to something or if she would mis-fire aimlessly.
Just like the missile he fired at that TIE fighter.
Just like my whole life.
As he followed the purple footprints away from his suburban spawning ground and he noticed the black night ocean slowly dissipating into a puddle besides him.
That seems like a noteable environmental concern.
The dwindling puddle that was once a great ocean entirely gave way and giant waves of grassy planes took the place of the waves of the abyss that is the night ocean.
Renn had been to these plains before, but he couldn't remember when. He had lost the sight of the purple footprints in the tall grass, but that no longer mattered to him because the colors no longer ran from him as he ran.
"Renn." Renn's mother said from behind him.
"Mom?" For some reason Renn had felt like he would never see his mother again. Which was a weird feeling because he was very clearly seeing his mother again.
Suddenly the night sky and the full moon sped away and gave way to the clear blue sky and a bright shining sun without a cloud in the sky.
Renn knew where he was now. This was the other side of Alderaan. His family had gone here on vacation when he was twelve. It had been a blast to spend a few weeks away with his family.
Renn smiled and felt the blue drain out of him. It sounded like someone pouring out a bottle of whiskey. He watched as the blue puddled up on the ground and and slithered away.
Renn ran to his Mother and hugged her. She was a tiny woman, nearly a foot shorter than him and sleight of bone as well.
"I'm sorry." Renn said, "Im sorry I haven't seen you in so long. I missed you."
Renn couldn't believe how true what he was saying was.
"I know." She hugged him back, "What have you been up to."
Their hug broke and Renn smiled, "Oh you know, good grades, steady job, loving fiancé. You'd love her."
His Mother raised and eyebrow at him and gave him one of her trade mark glares.
"Crime. Death. War. Drugs." Renn said more to his feet than his mother. He looked at his hands to see if they turned blue again, but they merely stayed pale.
"Renn…" She looked upset and touched his arm.
"I'm sorry Mom. I didn't know how to get home and I got lost." Renn felt warm tears roll down his cheeks, "I smuggled slaves once. I can't believe I did that. I can't believe…"
His Mother ssshh-ed him and hugged him again and he sobbed into her shoulder. It felt cathartic.
"It's okay Renn. You're not a bad person."
Renn knew that couldn't possibly be true, but decided to let himself believe it anyways. He wasn't fond of self delusion, but he wondered if anyone in the Galaxy was truly free of that particular vice.
"We all miss you alot." His Mother said, "Dad and the dog. The cousins. We all talk about you all the time. Sometimes we wonder what you're up to and if you're ever going to come home."
"I'm home." Renn managed between sobs. It was all he wanted.
"Renn, honey," She separated herself from him and he felt that his face was soaking wet with tears and his eyes felt red and heavy, "You're not home. This can't be your home anymore."
"But…" Renn tried to not sob and his lips trembled, "Where else is home?"
"I can't tell you that Renn." She ran her hand through his curly hair, "But it can't be here anymore."
Renn sobbed again.
His mother held him again.
"I promise you'll be home again. It just wont be this home."
"I don't want another home." Renn felt the lump in his throat grow.
His mother smiled and a tear rolled down her cheek, "You know you can't always get what you want. But sometimes you get what you need. Renn, what you need is not this home. There's a new home for you. I promise. You'll find it one day."
"How?" Renn choked out. He couldn't remember the last time he had cried this hard. He couldn't remember the last time he cried at all.
"I don't know Renn." She said, "But I have to go, and I need you to me one favor."
"No…" Renn felt his heart sink. He didn't want her to leave, but he knew she had to.
A shadow appeared in the sky above them. A giant metal moon floated in the sky above them.
"Don't let this destroy you Renn. I know that's the easy path, and the path you're going to be drawn to, but don't let this destroy you. Find a new home. Let yourself be happy again one day. It's what Dad and I want for you."
"I love you." Renn said and squeezed his Mother.
Green lasers danced out of the metal moon.
"I love you too." His mother squeezed him back.
The green lasers danced out and slammed into the planets surface. He felt the air blaze around him. His mother turned to ash in his arms as the field they stood in incinerated around them.
He fell to his knees and screamed the deepest scream he had ever screamed. He felt his tears evaporate off his face as the sky turned bright green and the planet turned to ash below him.
He felt the force of an explosion behind him and it blasted the ashy planes away from him. His Mothers remains scattered from his arms, and as he screamed everything he ever loved turned to nothing around him.
Then there was darkness.
"Sithspit, did he die?" Someone's voice asked from above him.
Another person, this one closer, was making haggard attempt at breathing.
Wait thats me.
His eyes opened and three sentients gathered around him. A Bothan, a Mon Calamari, and a Human Female. Each of them eyeing him with concerned suspicion and sincere worry.
Who the hell am I?
The woman was kneeled down, and was holding his hand. She looked the least amused and the most concerned.
The Bothan looked absurdly amused.
"Renn, Renn are you alive?" She asked, with sincere concern.
Wait, you're Renn.
Renn's eyes darted around. The light in his sleeping quarters had gotten harsh, almost malevolent. As if the lighting itself was out to harm him. Maybe it was. Who could tell anymore.
"Say something Renn." Said Shyal, still holding his hand.
His hand was white. That was good.
Renn didn't know exactly why that was good, but it was.
"Hi." Renn choked out and tried to get up. The rest of Flight Three tried to dissuade him of his attempt, but he tried anyways. He managed to get all the way back to his feet, before the room spun around violently and he crashed down back to his bed.
"Who wants to dance in a spinning room anyways?" He croaked.
"Damn man." Shyal said, "What is that stuff?"
"It's good, it's safe." Asu said, "He's gonna live I promise. He just had a bad trip. He'll be okay."
Renn wasn't sure if he wanted Asu to be right about that.