One's Times

by sickandtiredtoday

And here we are again. Another step in this long dance. Please enjoy.

11. There You Are

7. One's Times

10. There You Are

1.

Sei rolls over in her bed and meets another body. What? It is dark in her bedroom, and it is winter, so it must be pretty early. The central heating is on, because her shoulders outside of the covers are not cold, and that usually kicks on at 6.00 am. Sei has this timed precisely. 6.00 am and 6.00 pm. Her parents are generous in their monthly allowance, but she has to pay the bills out of it also. And utilities are not cheap. This was her father's idea to teach Sei how to be independent. Sei thinks that this is an excuse so he does not feel guilty about basically abandoning her while her parents attend to his career elsewhere. She has learnt to be frugal, so she has more money for fun things, like books and dvds. Still half asleep, she gropes at the other body in her bed, and a gentle groan results from her endeavours, and that is when Sei thinks Yumi, and smiles. This thought is followed quickly by: what a week! Sei slips her arm under Yumi's neck and spoons her naked body against Yumi's. Yumi snuggles back into her making the cutest snuffly noises, sort of talking, sort of whimpering. She loops her other arm around Yumi's waist, squeezing her even closer. The heat this girl generates, Sei thinks, marvelling at the feel of Yumi's skin against hers, the softness of her belly under her hand. Christ, she thinks, I lost my virginity to Fukuzawa Yumi! She huffs a laugh into Yumi's hair, causing Yumi to mumble in her sleep. Sei tells her to hush, that it is not time yet. There is no further response, so Yumi must have taken her at her word, and retreated back into Yumi dream land. What do you dream of, Yumi?

Sei wants to know these things. She wants to know Yumi's dreams and what she does when she is alone and what she is thinking. She wants to know, because suddenly, Yumi is a mystery to her. The girl she could read in an instant has become unknowable. Feeling the warmth of Yumi's buttocks against her groin, she wonders when that happened. When was it she realised she wanted her? Gentle, easily flustered Yumi; clever, funny Yumi, who only shows her true personality in private. One of the reasons why she likes to be alone with Yumi, apart from wanting to touch her, is that Yumi is different one-on-one. She is flirty without realising it which makes her all the more alluring. She is witty, and despite first impressions, she is more than able for Sei. Well able for me. Freeing her hand from Yumi's mid drift, she brushes back hair from her neck, and kisses her there, noticing that Yumi smells different when she is asleep. She does not want to go to school. She wants to skip and spend the whole day here, just the two of them, away from the world, where Sei has to share Yumi with others.

Sei knows she has to watch that line of thinking. It was just this that got her in trouble before. She had wanted to do the same thing with Shiori. But then, she did not know what exactly it was she wanted from Shiori, not really. She did not understand her attraction to her, did not understand why she wanted to be alone with her, wanted to touch her, wanted to have her close. That realisation came after, along with the knowing that she could not have that from Shiori. That had subtly cut deeper than the break at the train station, when her Onee-sama had come to tell her it was impossible. That Sei had to remember that Shiori was only sixteen, and is scared and unsure of many things, and when faced with Sei's love, how could she say no? So she ran, leaving a note with Youko.

But Yumi is sixteen, Sei thinks now, holding Yumi even closer. Yumi is the same age Shiori was, and she is not afraid. Yumi, however, is the polar opposite of Shiori. For a start, she does not want to be a nun. Sei laughs quietly again when she thinks of the last few days. Certainly not! But is this right? She thinks of what Youko said to her yesterday, before they met Yumi at the gate. She asked Sei what she was doing. And Sei, in so many words, said she was falling in love, and it was as simple as that. Simple, Sei wonders, kissing Yumi's neck again, torn between wanting to wake Yumi up and letting her get more sleep. Is anything about this simple? Sei wants it to be, and right now it is. It is just them here, in her bed, in her world. She runs her hand over Yumi's body, loving the feel of it, delighting in the fine texture of Yumi's skin, the softly curving hip, the gentle swell of her breast, listening to the deep breathing of her sleep, of her dreams. She decides she wants Yumi to wake up. The closeness and heat of Yumi is turning her on, and she wants to make love again. They can do this again, Sei thinks, so happy she doubts the reality of it. This cannot possibly be real, that she is lying here with Yumi and she can do these things with Yumi. She can touch her and kiss her and show her how she feels about her, how Yumi makes her feel. The thought is making her frantic, and she tilts Yumi's face gently toward her, and she is kissing her lips, her dangerous lips, soft with sleep. Wake up Yumi, Sei thinks, wanting to feel Yumi's hands on her. Feel them in her hair and on her body and she wants to feel Yumi's legs around her, pulling her in, holding her in place, wanting her, her touch, her love, unafraid, knowing, welcoming.

Wanting me, Sei thinks, delirious with the fire that Yumi sparks in her, wanting to hear Yumi say her name in that way, that particular timbre that makes Sei think she is losing her mind, that makes her drive herself against Yumi, dying with the feeling in her body, the needs of her heart. Please wake up, Sei silently begs, kissing a little more insistently, wanting Yumi to respond, to say her name, to kiss her back, to help her close the door on the abyss of loneliness that she had been fighting since she was so young. Tell me you want me, tell me you need me, and I will shift this world on its axis for you. And like flicking on a switch, Yumi is awake, awake to Sei, and not at all put out that Sei is kissing her awake, because Yumi is turning to Sei and she is all lips and hands, and she is pulling Sei on top of her. Yumi is moaning through their kiss, and Sei still cannot believe that she can make Yumi sound like this. Sei finds it immensely pleasurable that Yumi had only made this sound with her.

In this not-quite-real-beneath-the-blankets feeling, Sei meets Yumi in a burst of passion so strong that she feels faint. As Yumi slips a hand between her legs and touches her clit, Sei feels lost. Her mind is nowhere as she breaks the kiss and cries out. Sei, who has touched herself countless times since she discovered it, never knew, how could she, how good it would feel when someone else does it. She cries out again, as Yumi touches the right spot and stays on it, reading Sei as surely as Sei has ever read her. The sensation is so great she has to shout her pleasure, because to keep it in would mean madness. And then the alarm goes, giving them both a fright, throwing them off. Yumi laughs, Sei joins her, and they are kissing again as Sei gropes for the alarm clock. She thumps it hard, and it stops squawking at them. She rolls off Yumi and switches on the lamp on her bedside locker. She stretches, hating the fact that she has to get up. Mornings are not her specialty. Sei is not too bad when she has somewhere to be, so pulling herself together is not hard, and she has been getting to school by herself for a long time. The few times she skipped, she discovered, once the novelty wore off, she was actually quite bored, so she decided going to school was the best option. And thus, she only skipped when she had something more important to do than school. Usually, it was something to do with house maintenance.

She swings her legs out of bed and starts slightly when she feels Yumi's hand on her back. She is not used to this. Yumi, who wants to touch her. Yumi's warm hand caresses what she can reach. The small warm pleasure of this act makes Sei want to laugh and cry at the same time. Who knew, she thinks, as she listens to Yumi yawn and her hand settle on her hip, how it would feel to be with Yumi in this way? Who knew Yumi at all? Sei looks over her shoulder at Yumi, who is quite awake she sees. She watches with fascination as Yumi's other hand comes out from under the blankets and wipes at her eyes. It is the same kind of fascination that Sei has always had for Yumi. Yumi who is oh, so interesting. She smiles, and fights against her instinct to hop back into bed with her, and before she really does just decide to hell with it, she stands up on wobbly legs, and commits herself to the morning. She has a slight ache in her groin that reminds her again that she is no longer a virgin. It is not much of an ache, but its presence makes Sei feel giddy. She gets down on her knees and begins pulling their clothes together as they came off in a hurry and they did not care what went where. She is thinking about what she needs to do next. They need to have a shower, and then she needs to feed Yumi, as per Yumi's mother's instructions, she needs to get them to the station. They did no homework last night, so she should get that sorted as soon as they get to school.

She hears Yumi moving around behind her, and she thinks that their morning was rudely interrupted and she still wants Yumi. Yumi pads over to her, wearing a sheet toga style. Sei laughs over Yumi's modesty this morning, not at all understanding where it could be coming from. She apologises that they will not have time for a bath, which is a nice thing to have in the morning, and Yumi suggests that they could save time by showering together. Yumi says this casually, but the heat in Sei's body immediately intensifies, and she can almost see it jump from her to Yumi, as Yumi realises what she just said, and smiles at Sei in that particular way, a way she never thought she would see on Yumi. It is an adult smile, full of want and promise. And just for me, Sei thinks, surprised all over again. She watches Yumi drop the sheet in response to whatever she reads in Sei and walk to her, who is turning and standing. They meet in a kiss and once again, the feeling of Yumi being here, in this house that Sei dislikes, amazes her, brightens her, enlivens her, and she begins to move them toward the door.

Just like in the greenhouse, Yumi is chasing off old demons that haunt Sei, burning and cleansing the dark places of her in the heat of her desire. As they stumble and kiss and laugh their way to the bathroom, Sei feels herself become less jagged inside. Softening and blending into something new. That the smile of Yumi would do this to her, breath this into her is a startling discovery, a treasure unearthed in the most unusual place. Sei manages to flick on the light in the bathroom just as Yumi finds her nipple with her mouth, leaving her breathless. Yumi's mouth is on her breasts and her hands…where are her hands going?

-Yumi, shower, we have to get in the shower.

Yumi kisses her way up Sei's chest to her neck. Sei can feel all of Yumi pressing against her, and the feeling of this in her bathroom of all places, is so singular, that Sei is not sure of reality anymore. The floor under her feet seems to shift slightly, her world tilts, and she wonders if she is still asleep. Am I dreaming? Am I hallucinating? Then Yumi's hands are on her face, and her large brown eyes are meeting Sei's and Sei knows she is awake, that this is real. Because there you are.

2.

Sei is walking the grounds of Lillian. Prowling may actually be a better way to describe her at this point. Yumi has started insisting that she spend some of her lunch times with Yoshino and Shimako, and Sei, who would love to monopolise her but cannot, finds herself at a loose end. She is sure she could be filling her time more constructively. There is always Yamayurikai work to do. She could go and chase up some of the clubs she looks after for their paperwork, or maybe just to hang out. She could be, god forbid, studying. She usually goes to feed the cat at lunchtime, for Sei loves cats, and fingers the small packet of dry food she carries in her pocket, but Goronta has not shown up today at his usual haunts. Sometimes, she just walks the grounds until she hears the bell. Sometimes, she goes to the Rose Mansion to play with whoever is there, and if it is empty, she will either just look out the window, or go and read in the store room. Sometimes, she stays in the classroom and provokes Eriko into a spat. And just for a giggle, she may drag Youko into it. Poor Youko, Sei thinks, smiling. She really likes Youko, even if she is interfering. She likes the fact that Youko cares enough to interfere. And Sei knows that Youko's interference is based on more than just caring for a friend. But Sei will never bring it up, and she hopes that Youko does not either. She has been aware of Youko's little crush since first year, and she is very careful with Youko not to incite it in any way.

Sei walks beside the cherry blossom trees, now bare and spindly at this time of the year, yet still remaining impressive, she leans against one and thinks about the Chinensis family. She was always a favourite with them for some reason. Youko's Onee-sama had been extraordinarily fond of her, liking to play with her long hair and feed her. Spoil her. Spoiled her more than she did Youko, much to Youko's well-concealed annoyance. Sei used to let her because she knew it annoyed Youko. If only Youko knew how much she disliked the familiarity of Youko's Onee-sama. She did not mind her own, because it came from a different place. There was genuine warmth and caring in her actions. She left Sei to her own devices, but when it was important, she was there, refusing to give up on her, wanting her and loving her. When she said that she wanted Sei because she loved her face, the relief Sei felt was great. She decided that this was the Onee-sama for her based on that, and also because Rosa Gigantea en bouton was just not going to leave her alone. She was embarrassed at first, and then she was flattered. And Sei felt no obligation to do anything but bring her face for her Onee-sama to gaze upon, and the girl would leave her alone. Of course, there was so much more to it, but her Onee-sama handled her subtly and well, and Sei genuinely loved her for it. It did nothing for her aching loneliness, her feeling of disparity and disjointedness, but it felt good to be appreciated for at least one thing, and it was a thing easily understood.

But Youko's Onee-sama was something different. She was a nice girl, and in a general way, when Sei bothered to think of her at all, she was a kind one. The thing she lacked was boundaries, and Sei bristled at every caress, every hug, every compliment. Once, when they were alone, she had hand fed Sei cookies, and it was overall a strange experience, that left her feeling a confusing mixture of anger and excitement. She had slowly placed each piece she broke off against Sei's lips, and watched her eat. Sei never said anything about it, but she was uncomfortable being alone with her after that. Only when Youko was there, would Sei submit, because sometimes, Youko's crush could make her cruel. She never understood what Youko wanted from her, but she would look at Sei when she thought Sei was distracted, and Sei would pretend not to notice. She still does it, but it is far less than it was. Sei suspects that if she has not said anything by now, she is not going to. Girls are very strange.

Although, last minute confessions are not rare, and Sei is already bracing herself for a rash of them, like she did last March, when a slew of them came her way. Her seniors, who if they were not her Onee-sama, or not in the Yamayurikai, she did not pay any attention to them, had decided to fulfil some promise amongst themselves, or so it seemed to Sei. A lot of them from the photography club, actually. Sei is never sure what to think of these confessions. Part of her thinks it is cowardly, to wait until they are leaving and therefore do not have to deal with the consequences of their words. They have done something they wanted to do before they finished high school, and they just used her for that. A smaller part of her admires their bravery, such as it is, to put words to their feelings. But it is the same around valentines. She agrees with Sachiko, who from her first year put her foot down, in a way only she could manage and still remain beloved, and refused all chocolate, because she saw it soon enough, that these people were just using her to fulfil some need in themselves, and she feels no obligation to help them with that.

Yet Sei enjoys the attention in an odd way. She is a little vain about her looks. She knows she stands out. The foreignness of her features, the colour of her hair, her height. These are usually a problem. She is Japanese. Very Japanese, yet thanks to an American grandfather, she will always be marked as different. And yet, as she got older, she did not think this was such a bad thing. She is good looking. She knows it. People are always telling her she is, so she believes it, and this has an effect on the amount of gifts she receives throughout the year. She laughs at this mercenary thought. But she likes sweets, something Yumi discovered early, and usually keeps something for her in her bag. And she will always accept anything that comes in food form. She especially welcomes the gifts that come from the people who seek her out to personally hand her their token of whatever. Last valentines was tough. Shiori had only been gone two months by that stage and Youko had been running her ragged with tasks for the council, which she had been neglecting to do, and her Onee-sama had been letting her away with it. She had no idea there was so much to do. When valentines rolled around, she finally saw how popular she was. Really saw it for the first time. Her Onee-sama had laughed at her reaction, saying that as the most elusive member of the Yamayurikai, she had built up quite a following. Girls love the tragic poet types, and Sei fit the bill nicely.

Up to that point, Sei had binned letters she found in her locker or desk, or wherever. She ate whatever was there without thinking about it. If anyone approached her, she thanked them, but could be cold and thoughtless of their feelings, and yet that did not stop them. They seemed to expect it, and accept it as part of the role their little culture had assigned her. And she played it so well without ever knowing she was doing it. But last valentines, something had changed in Sei. Shiori, it could be said, cracked a glass, which did not mean that all of the ramifications were bad. Now, leaning against the tree in the cold grounds, Sei thinks of her Onee-sama's words, that there would come a time when she was glad she met Shiori, glad she let her in, glad she managed to feel anything. For the first time, Sei began to accept friendship. First it was Youko, and then of was the whole school. They had assigned her a place, but that did not mean she had to stay in it, that did not mean they did not care. She began to read the letters. These outpourings of adolescent hormones, that right then, were directed at her. She never told anyone that she was reading them, and she never chased up the signed ones, but she felt them.

She felt these girls who were driven to put pen to paper, or come to her to tell her how much they 'admired' her, or outright said they liked her, and would she like to go out sometime. The latter are the ones she likes the most. They are honest, to the point, and cheerfully lacking euphemism. Sei, who never felt herself to possess many admirable traits, would do her best to be gentle, because she suddenly understood how hard it was for them to approach her, Rosa Gigantea en bouton, Lillian royalty, and dare to ask her out! Sei would laugh at it, but it was so heartfelt. They really thought that. She would be flirty and funny with the first years, and kind and respectful with the third years. It was especially hard on them, because they were meant to be above such things, and it was almost like cheating when they had petite soeurs. That in itself was a weird way to look at it, but it was.

Of course, it was hardest of all for her classmates. It is deeply uncool to have feelings for a contemporary, something that Youko is probably very aware of. One reason is because there is no excuse for it. One could admire a senior, and it would be perfectly acceptable to rhapsodise about her virtues, or her looks, or her accomplishments. That was just fine. Equally, if was justified to be besotted with a first year, because the prospect of becoming an Onee-sama became important in the second year, and people in clubs, usually, were very gung-ho about it. One could talk about the first years in very particular terms, that everybody understood, and it was definitely romantic, but not specifically saying it. But still, her classmates would privately show interest, even if outwardly they were never sure about her. She did not get on well with them, and when she became a member of the Yamayurikai, she became untouchable in a way. But they would on occasion confess feelings for her. She would be herself with them, but she would never mock them, like she would in another circumstance. She understood by that stage how delicate the heart, how easily bruised the ego. She did not hate her classmates, she just did not know them very well, and that is the excuse she would always use. It seemed to say all it needed to say, and they would leave it at that. She had more than once recognised handwriting in a letter or note that belonged to some of her classmates, and these were always unsigned.

There is a girl, Sei thinks of her now, who oddly enough has always managed to be in the same class as her since kindergarten. Hanzaki Tomiko. In all those years, they have probably exchanged fewer than a hundred words, which is nothing for fourteen years of sharing the same classrooms. Yet she writes the most beautiful letters to Sei, and has done since elementary school. She has a very distinctive script, and even if Sei never read them before her second year of high school, she always knew it was her, because she writes the kanji for Sei's name in a very particular way. Sei makes a mental note to somehow thank Tomiko before she leaves. She wonders of she will go to Lillian College with her as well, and they can continue on for another four years of letters.

Sei thinks of the Chinensis family again, full of people who want to know her. Youko, who she has to admit, is her best friend. Sachiko. What thoughts she has on that girl. The beautiful, stiff Sachiko. Who was not so stiff a few weeks ago. Sei puts a lid on those thoughts. While she was amazed at how much she enjoyed that afternoon, she cannot spend much time thinking about it. She also cannot regret it. No one else will get to do what she did, and for that reason alone, she cannot regret it, but in the back of her mind, she feels like she did Sachiko a disservice. That they were cruel to give her just one afternoon, that she allowed Yumi to be with her, even though Yumi could have done it behind her back, she chose not to. Sei has always felt a little protective of Sachiko, though it is a rare thing for her to admit it. She feels a connection with her. There was something sad about the girl, and Sei completely understands why Youko lost her mind over her. The girl who's name precedes her, who's looks are a curse, and before whom people are a little bit fearful. Like Sei, she did not make friends easily, but the grounded Hasekura Rei remained unruffled by Sachiko, and liked her enough to want to win her friendship, and was liked enough in return to be given it. Like Sei, Sachiko prefers to be left alone, but just by being who she is, she would have little choice in the matter. And like Sei, her arrival in the high school caused a well behaved lady-like riot among the second years, who even as they vied for her attention, were then too scared to approach her, such was the charisma of Ogasawara Sachiko. Sei's money was always on Youko, especially when Eriko's and Youko's Onee-samas nudged her that way.

And then this year, a new addition to the Chinensis family in the shape of Fukuzawa Yumi with the least enigmatic face imaginable. But that was it, was it not? Yumi hides in plain view, and not at all what she appears to be. She is loving and it makes her brave. After a few stuttering starts, she found her stride with Sachiko, and she was even less hesitant with Sei. By the time the Rosas were forcing Sachiko into acquiring a petite soeur, Sei had met Shimako. And she really was enigmatic. It was here, now that Sei thinks of it, turning so her cheek is against the cold bark of the sleeping tree, perhaps dreaming like a human, looking down the path she first saw the girl who would become her petite soeur, who ran away from her then, taking part of Sei's heart with her. Sei was captivated by Shimako, even then, but she was also scared of her. Scared of herself. She looked at Shimako and saw Shiori all over again. She had the same light, and Sei admired it, she wanted it, wanted to understand it, and she was scared of falling for Shimako and hurting her, driving her away, messing up her life. She even wanted to be a nun, as Sei found out later.

Of course, she is glad she was able to take Shimako as a petite soeur. It was an eye-opener, having to care for someone. She does not doubt that she made mistakes with Shimako, perhaps keeping her too far away, but she refused to have her dependent on her. That was too much responsibility, but it did help her grow up, emotionally speaking. Sei thinks of Shimako a lot, more than she says. She likes their unspoken support of each other. Likes that they do not rely on each other too much. Sei's life would be poorer with the absence of Shimako. Shimako who loves her, and is perhaps a little in love with her. And that is why the difference. At their age, it is too easy to confuse the different types of love, and she does not want that confusion for Shimako. Sei loves Shimako back, and if she was a weaker person, she might have allowed the different loves to deliberately blur, but she does not. She loves her, and loves her as much as she can, but from a distance. About half way through the year, she stopped being afraid, when she realised that her feeling were not of another sort. She truly cares for Shimako, and has come to think of Shimako as something like a cousin, or niece she is particularly fond of, but nothing more. It was a great relief to look at Shimako, and feel only that. She cannot speak for Shimako, and they have never had that conversation, but she keeps her distance, because Shimako should grow without her, and should not get confused along the way.

And then she is back to Yumi. Sei pushes off the tree and begins an unhurried amble toward the Rose Mansion, where she knows Yumi is. Are you thinking of me? As soon as Sei saw Yumi, she liked her. She liked her readable face, her pigtails, her quiet pride. She liked that she stood up for herself in a room full of the student council. There was something so refreshing about her lack of pretentiousness that Sei immediately took to her. Of course, Sei knows Yumi a lot better now, and knows a few of Yumi's secrets, Yumi who does not wear her hair in pigtails anymore. She knows how perceptive Yumi is. She knows how sexual she is, how unafraid she is. She gets highly emotional sometimes, but it never lasts long. She knows too, that Yumi often keeps her most worrisome thoughts to herself, under the idea that she is a burden. But Sei never thought so. She has, on occasion, had to force them out of her, and she thinks that this must be some insecurity. She hopes that Yumi will become more open with her. She wants to know all about Yumi, even if it takes her forever. With her hands thrust deep into her gabardine pockets, she is nearly at the Rose Mansion, on the pretext of wanting someone to make her tea, but really, just wanting to be in the same room as Yumi, wanting to breathe the same air. I love you, Yumi, Sei thinks as she opens the door to the place where she and Yumi made some great memories. She climbs the creaky stairs, her pulse picking up when she hears Yumi's laugh.

She wants to hear the other laugh Yumi has, the one only Sei hears, the one after she comes. You minx, Sei thinks, smiling as she reaches the weirdly shaped door. She opens it, and the three petite soeurs are there, laughing over something that Sei is sure she will be informed about. Sei's eyes are immediately on Yumi's, her Yumi who is happy to see her. There you are, Yumi says in their easy silent language. Yes, here I am, Sei says back.

3.

Sei never realised how hard it would be to say goodbye to Yumi. Even though she would be attending college right next door, this special bubble of existence contained by the grounds of the high school is about to burst. So Sei is becoming desperate. She sees the mirror of it in Yumi, who has become quite bold about her desire for Sei's company. One day, quite without warning, Yumi comes to the third year classrooms, and Sei thinks something is wrong. In a way she is right about that. Yumi looks very serious and Sei feels the smile die on her face. It is lunch time, and Sei allows Yumi to lead her out onto the grounds before she asks Yumi what was wrong. Yumi says that Sei is leaving, that is what is wrong. Sei feels a generous measure of relief that no one is injured or sick, her first thought is Yoshino having a relapse, but she understands Yumi's situation. Sei slips her hand into Yumi's and she leads her to one of her favourite places, still, behind the chapel. Yumi will not look at her, and Sei knows it is because she is embarrassed over this. That's ok, Sei says. She leans against the back wall, and pulls Yumi to her.

Yumi's embarrassment keeps her stiff against Sei for a while, but then Sei does what she does best, and talks to Yumi, using her voice to lull her. Sei wraps her arms around Yumi's slender shoulders, warming her, keeping her close, loving her, calling to her. Sei's natural reaction to Yumi's closeness these days is want, but that is a very distant thing now. Yumi, who has been brave and strong, is letting her guard down, is not pretending anymore that she is not worrying over the inevitable change in their lives. She does not want Sei as her lover right now. She wants her friend. And Sei finds that she can still be a friend to Yumi. She has been tiptoeing the fine line between lover and friend all along, so this balancing act is nothing new to her. Sei has always tried to take into consideration Yumi's age even if she seems quite mature. Right now, Sei feels Yumi's age. It did not stop her from crossing the line from friend to other, but it held her back, longer than she told Yumi. If Yumi had not expressly invited Sei across her line, Sei probably would not have, or at the least, she would have waited longer. Sei, as she comforts Yumi, thinks of this.

With months of dedicated practice, they have become very accomplished lovers for each other. As they fillet away layers of each other with their mouths and hands, they grow closer and open up more to each other. But there is a confusing little knot in the middle of them; a tangled snarl of friendship and sex, protectiveness and the roles they play publicly and privately. Sei thinks of the day they spent with Sachiko, but she particularly remembers the night before, when Yumi admitted that there was some very deep feelings, feelings of love beyond those of a sisterly nature for Sachiko. She remembers her immediate anger, and then the net of friendship and seniority caught it and hauled it back in. That knot was personified by Yumi, looking impossibly small, hugging her knees in front of her. Sei had felt a depth of sympathy and empathy so acutely that it took her breath away. She had no idea she was capable of such a powerful combination of emotions, and her anger faded in the face of it, leaving her sad and lonely. It made her cry a little. It was the first time she had been able to process her feelings so completely in so short a time. Yumi had needed her friend and Sei had risen to the challenge of being both friend and lover. And the next day she had done it again. She had done it for two people. The weight of being older had settled on her that day, and had done her best for Sachiko and Yumi. Sei wonders if she should have said no, but really, it is too late for that now. Her window for that action closed as soon as she kissed Sachiko. As the emotions of that time surge through her, like it is happening right now, she has to work to keep her voice at a low register, to maintain the hush-a-bye quality as Yumi melts against her, responding to the magic only Sei can work on her.

This is something Sei knows about Yumi. Yumi, like a cat, has an inbuilt response to tone and touch. Just like Goronta. Sei smiles, and curves her body to hold Yumi closer to her, her heart slowing as she feels Yumi cleave to her, her face against her neck, her head under Sei's chin. This is Sei's control when she does not know what to do, when she feels herself at a loss when it comes to answering some of Yumi's more perceptive questions. Yumi's weakness lies in her tactile nature and Sei knows all the right things to do. Months of dedicated practice.

Sei, much as she hates to admit it to herself, is afraid to say no to Yumi. She is fearful of something or someone taking Yumi away from her. So she opens herself as the best alternative to Yumi. She wants to trust this love between them. She wants to think that Yumi will never leave her. But people go. Something happens, and they leave. There is always something that they would rather do. Sei harbours the notion that it is her fault, that there is something wrong with her, something repellent. She thinks of her friends. She thinks of Youko, who stuck to her like glue when Shiori left. The thinks of Shimako who accepts her Onee-sama's strange brand of guardianship. She even thinks of Eriko, who is her friend despite everything, even when they rip into each other for the sheer joy of being mean to each other, there is no one else in the world she could do that with. Then she thinks of the girl in her arms, who found the fire in Sei and put her hand in it. Yumi tests her; she stretches her and sometimes hurts her. Yumi does not seem to be going anywhere. And yet. And yet…

That deep streak of insecurity gnaws at her, chews on her and makes her afraid. She is afraid that her friends will suddenly find her unworthy. She is afraid when people show her concern. She is afraid that the change in her and Yumi's lives will damage them somehow. She knows Yumi is also afraid of this change in their lives, which is so much bigger than Sei just going next door, or else they would not be here behind the school chapel holding each other. Sei feels the chill of the stone wall seep into her back, resulting in a quiver in her voice. Yumi says her name, and Sei winds another layer around them, telling Yumi that nothing matters, nothing will change them. She wants to believe in what she is saying.

4.

As the weeks go bye, Sei finally takes advantage of being a Rose. The lunchtime spent behind the chapel was a contributing factor. Sei wants to create more time for them, carve it out of their days. So she 'borrows' Yumi at least three times a week. It is coming up to graduation anyway, so teachers do not raise many eyebrows. Perhaps at the sudden conscientiousness of Rosa Gigantea, but nothing more. She takes Yumi from her classes, and hides them away in the many sporadically used rooms and buildings that make up the Lillian high school complex. Sei uses Youko's work ethic against her when she questions her, pointing out the indisputable fact that Yumi and she are ploughing through the work. Sei gets a 'be careful' smile from Youko. And she is careful. As careful as she can be when she is undone by her own need for Yumi, by her own infatuation for the girl, who looks at her with such trust and belief. It scares Sei, from time to time. Not just the intensity of her own feelings, but those of Yumi. Yumi's passion for her surprises her. Yumi is not shy when it comes to her feelings or when they make love. Like the day with Sachiko. It had shocked Sei to her core that Yumi would think of something like that. She had underestimated Yumi in some fundamental way and she had scrambled to deal with it. If Yumi suggested something like that now, Sei would be surprised but not shocked. They know each other better now. Yet there remains something secretive about Yumi that Sei cannot get to. It frustrates her occasionally. The smiles she cannot decipher. The actions she never sees coming. She thought once that she knew Yumi, but with their first kiss, she became an enigma.

Yet in other ways, she knows Yumi better than she knows herself, she feels. She knows what Yumi's reactions to certain things or suggestions will be. She can still make Yumi blush, and she hopes she can continue to do so. She knows how to make her laugh. She knows how to turn her on or make her cuddly. Sei has always known what the right things to say to Yumi, because in some ways, she is very simple. To put it a better way, she likes simplicity, and that is quite different. Which is why, when Sachiko tugged on their soeur bonds, she was so upset. It was an emotional complication that neither of them dealt with particularly well, but she thinks that they probably did the best they could. Which is why, Sei thinks, as Yumi sits on her lap in a rarely used meeting room, kissing Sei like she may turn out to be a dream and she better make the most of it, Yumi likes sex so much. There is a simplicity in it. It is relatively straight forward, especially as the two of them are so compatible. There is a nagging in the back of Sei's mind that Yumi is using sex to vent. Part of her applauds and appreciates it, the part of her that is given over to purely sensuous pursuits, but she thinks she should talk to Yumi about it, figure out why Yumi uses sex this way, even though she loves Sei, and perhaps figure out why she lets Yumi do it. As Yumi tilts back Sei's head and kisses her neck, trailing pleasure across an exceptionally sensitive area, Sei's thoughts dissolve into a puddle of desire and affection. Some other time.

As they travel through the weeks and graduation is nearly upon them they are becoming more and more ardent. And trailing in its wake is indiscretion. Sei knows better, she really does, but she is as susceptible to the atmosphere that coats the school at this time of the year as anyone else. She is infected by that teenage way of looking at time, that it is now or never, and if there was anything she wants to do before she finishes high school, now is the time to do it. She also knows that familiarity breeds contempt, yet she still manages to acquire the idea that they are bullet proof, and they will never be caught. Her better judgement is eroded by the thought that in a matter of days, she will no longer be in this school with Yumi. She is blissful at the other thought that she can finally throw away her uniform. But Yumi is sad. And this makes Sei sad. Sad and indulgent with the both of them. So whatever Yumi wants, Yumi gets. And to ease herself, she is seeking Yumi with greater frequency, risk be damned. She loves Yumi in empty classrooms while students pass by outside. She loves her in the library, the quiet stacks down the back with the spare textbooks and records. And she loves her in the chapel, and that is particularly satisfying for Sei.

She makes love to Yumi early one Saturday morning in the chapel, right in front of Maria-sama's blank and uncaring gaze, and kills another demon lurking in her. This is one of the few times that Yumi wants to refuse her, but Sei, using every tool at her disposal, persuades her. Sei is full of Shiori this morning. She woke up feeling vaguely depressed and it makes her introspective, so Shiori is close at hand. She had no Yumi to distract her from it, to give her something else to focus on, so she is left with her thoughts, and an unease that makes her anxious and restless. Shiori, the girl Sei loved and never really knew. The girl who slapped Sei's face for daring to show Shirori how much she loved her in front of a statue. Yumi does not slap Sei's face. She kisses it instead, turning her back on Maria-sama, and giving Sei everything she asks her for and more. As Yumi straddles her lap, and Sei eases two of her fingers into Yumi, cradling her head with her free hand, she looks at Maria-sama over Yumi's shoulder. I dare you, Sei says to her as Yumi's wetness covers her hand, as Yumi tells her she loves her over and over, her voice taking on a ragged hoarse quality that drives Sei to her knees between the pews onto the kneeler, to increase her contact with Yumi. I dare you to try and take her from me.

While Shiori is not entirely laid to rest, Sei finds she can breathe easier when she thinks of her. It makes her love Yumi more, who is walking beside her holding her hand, blushing at what they just did in such a place. She knows Yumi has no particularly strong religious leanings, but her indoctrination in this place has left her with a healthy respect for Catholicism. Sei almost feels bad for insisting, but she had to do it. The fact that Yumi in some way understood it enough to go along with her makes her love Yumi even more and wonder at the deeper meaning of physical intimacy. They are nearly at the Rose Mansion, and they reluctantly let go of each other's hands, but Yumi sneakily hangs onto the back of her sleeve, not yet wanting to give up the morning. Sei often thinks of what she shares with Yumi, and about sex in general. The addictive quality of it and her slavish responses to it. How she cannot be in the same room as Yumi without wanting her, and she thinks about her, and her body, and it is like she developed x-ray vision and she can see right through Yumi's uniform. This morning is the first time she consciously thinks about the curative properties of sex. She had been peripherally aware of the idea when she was with Yumi in the greenhouse, the many times she was with Yumi in the greenhouse, a place that makes Sei uncomfortable, and how a little bit more of her hurt got chased away. At the time, it only registered as the vague feeling that she did not mind the old greenhouse anymore. She no longer associates Shiori with it. It is now full of Yumi.

They linger at the door of the Mansion before they go in, and Sei thanks her for this morning. Yumi lets go of Sei's sleeve and touches her face. They look at each other for a number of long moments. Sei understands what Shizuka wanted when she said she wanted to see herself reflected in Sei's eyes just once before she left. Sei's first thought at that was that this Shizuka was missing the point. A reflection is just that. It signifies nothing deeper. But when she sees herself reflected in Yumi's dark gaze, the connection is deep and backed up by action, by knowing each other. Sei leans in and kisses Yumi on the forehead and then her nose, before she opens the door and ushers her in.

5.

Sei does not tell Yumi why she really chose Lillian College. There were other factors involved, but there is a kernel that Sei cannot open for Yumi. She had in reality, left it too late to make up her mind if she wanted to go to college or not, so one of her truly viable options was Lillian Women's College. She did not mind. She was not ready to give up Lillian anyway. It was Shiori, always Shiori that was the ultimate deciding factor. She was not lying when she said to Yumi that she wanted to be close to her and Shimako, but there was another name on that list, and that name she tended not to use around Yumi. Yumi covers it well, but she is jealous of the memory of Shiori, and has said so once or twice. Sei can understand this. She told Yumi that there is only her in her heart. Again, she was not lying. Yumi fills her up, preoccupies her and busies her. And yet…the shape of Shiori still cuts out patterns in her, still kept safe in a part of her mind, and sometimes she is more prevalent than others, and no amount of Yumi can chase her away. Part of her is still waiting for Shiori to come back. She has no idea what she would say to the girl, but she wants to see her. Sei often wonders if it is the same for Shiori? Does she think of Sei, does she remember her face, their kisses, their love? Does she also cry over the memory of Sei?

And this is what Sei ruminates over in her empty classroom, the day before graduation. This and many other things. Yumi had found her a while ago, and had stayed with her, keeping her company and putting up with her sentimental ramblings. Sei told her how she never got along with her classmates. She told her that she made many mistakes. She told Yumi that if it had not been for Youko and Eriko, she would not have enjoyed any of her time in high school. In a roundabout way, she was telling Yumi how important Lillian is to her. Yumi laid her head in Sei's lap, and Sei stroked her hair as she talked, loving the feel of the silky strands softly whispering through her fingers. Then Yumi left her to her thoughts. Yumi has an uncanny sense of her, and seems to read her in ways no one else can. Shiori could not do that, no matter how close they became. But then, she did not have with Shiori what she has with Yumi. Lately, however, the more she is with Yumi, for some reason the more she thinks of Shiori. It must be because she is leaving the place she first fell in love in, even if she did not know what it was at the time. And then she fell in love again, with Yumi. She is linking them, and it does not sit well with her. The only thing they have in common is Sei's love. It feels like a betrayal of Yumi to have her name in the same circle as Shiori's, but there is nothing Sei can do about it. Sei does not keep a diary, and now she wonders if she should. Would it help? She prefers to write short stories to amuse herself and pass the time. Sei has been complimented by her teachers for her compositions for class. Even that bastard, her homeroom teacher in second year, who took great delight in helping the situation with Shiori blow up had good things to say in relation to them. He had been shown them by another teacher, and this teacher became her homeroom teacher in her third year and had asked Sei if she would consider pursuing literature at college level.

This conversation had taken place a few months into third year in a very casual manner after school one day. Niyaki-sensei had asked Sei to stay behind, and Youko took her stuff with her to the Rose Mansion, giving her an encouraging smile on the way out. Niyaki-sensei expressed concern over the fact that Sei had yet to submit her future plans about what she wanted to do after school, gently reminding her that this is her third and final year. Sei, of course had been fully aware of this, but still had no idea what she wanted to do. She had no career in mind, there was no one thing that attracted her attention, no burning desires. Neet was looking more and more likely for her. The teacher sat in one of the desks, and put her briefcase on it, and took out the entire overview for the American and English Literature course next door. Sei smiled to herself. Casual chat, huh? Yet, she was quietly amazed that the teacher cared to even go to this length for her. Niyaki-sensei indicated the desk beside her, suggesting that Sei should sit down for a while and have a look. Feeling a little surreal, and a little more embarrassed, Sei sat beside her teacher as she went over the course content for all four years with her. An indeterminate amount of time later, the teacher shuffled the pages into a neat pile, picked them up and patted them into place. She handed the whole thing over to Sei and smiled at her. A genuine, one-person-to-another smile and requested of Sei to at least think about it. They both got up and bowed to each other, and left each other at the door. Sei had wandered off to the shoe changing area, slightly dazed.

Now sitting in her empty classroom, she wonders why people insist on caring about her, and why it is never the people she expects. In her pocket is a final letter from Tomiko. She must know I know it's her by now, Sei smiles to herself, getting off her own desk, and going to sit at Tomiko's. All these years Tomika-san. All these years you put me on a pedestal, made me whatever you wanted. All these years of watching and wanting, of writing some of the most beautiful sentiments I have ever seen committed to paper. Sei thinks that Tomiko-san would do well as a writer, because she certainly has talent. She takes out two folded up letters from her pocket. She reads Tomiko's letter again, a goodbye letter this one, wondering if Tomiko will come back to reminisce like Sei had done. She lifts the lid of the desk, and sees there are still some books in there. She will be back then. Sei puts the letter on top of the books, and her reply on top of that. She closes the lid of the desk, running her long fingers over the scratched surface, countless years of school girls marring the soft wood, tapping a random beat with her fingertips.

Sei gets up, and walks to the top of the classroom, looking at the empty desks, waiting for the next set of third years to sit in them. She looks at where Youko and Eriko sat, the three student council heads sitting in a row. She looks down to the back where Hanzaki Tomiko sat. A random snatch of poetry floats through her mind. She cannot remember where she read it, thinking it might have been graffiti:

"What ghosts will come and meet you at the gate,

The ghosts of your past, or the ghosts of your fate?"

Sei lowers her head and leaves the classroom, waving goodbye to the ghosts of her past, asking them nicely to please, just stay here.

6.

The next day, as she waits in line to be seated in the gym for the graduation ceremony, she berates herself. What the hell was I so sentimental about anyway, she asks herself, disgusted.

7.

Like a wind, time blows Sei, sending her tumbleweeding through the next few years. There are ups and downs; heart break and heart heal. She watches Yumi develop into an extraordinary woman, continually surprising Sei. She watches her friends find their ways through life. She watches Yoshino shake off the shackles of her childhood illness and cut a swath through the young women of their college. Yoshino is another one of them who decided to stay in Lillian. She eventually gets her teaching certification and becomes a history teacher in Lillian high school. She now lives not too far from Sei and Yumi, and she and Yumi have continued to be the best of friends, and it is like nothing has changed when the two of them are together. Nana has made a reappearance in her life, but still, Yoshino feels no tendency to settle, changing her partners on a regular basis, sometimes men, sometimes women. Yoshino makes no excuses for her way of life, which is refreshing in its own way.

She watches Youko become lawyer, much in her mother's mould. She becomes a criminal lawyer, opting to be a crusader and not a money maker. This is contrary to other's expectations of Youko, who was warned that being a criminal lawyer is tiring, unprofitable work. It does not surprise Sei. Youko's fine mind and big heart would have been wasted in the corporate world. She does well enough to open her own practice, and strangely enough, Yumi's and Youko's worlds occasionally overlap. By thirty Yumi already had her doctorate, which is testament to Yumi's determination and sacrifice since she was eighteen. She specialises in international relations, but focuses a lot on the minority groups extant in Japan, which leads her to Youko for advice on social matters that Youko has a side line in. Being around criminals brings Youko into contact with some very interesting people, which puts Yumi into contact with them, as she traces prostitution and illegal immigrants, and why the government makes grandiose statements about them, yet refuses to recognise the issues at stake. One of her books details why it would be politic to address Japan's place in Asian slave trade, as Yumi deliberately and inflammatorily words it, and spoke more outside of Japan than in about it, and that perhaps legalisation and collection of taxes would make people more willing to discuss it. Yumi nearly gets herself sacked, but she does not care. She levels charges of bribery and corruption, mentions Yakuza and government officials by name, and gets death threats, and Youko gets hired to help her out with some those.

She watches Eriko finish her education and then happily settle down with Dinosaur Man. Sei calls him that to his face, as in she addresses him this way, and the man in question never takes offence, thinking it quite fitting, and likening it to a super hero name. Eriko rebukes her for it so Sei adds a san to the end of it, and that is about as far as she will go. Dinosaur Man-san is fine with it, and even his daughter began calling him that for a while, until she got old enough to find it embarrassing. Speaking of his daughter, Eriko need not have worried so much about meeting her. Despite her misgivings, Eriko became a good friend to his daughter and a good mother to the two sisters and brother she supplies in quick succession.

Sei also sees Sachiko become a mother, to only one, a girl, Momo-chan, who spends quite a lot of time with Yumi and Sei. Sei's own feelings regarding Momo-chan shocks her. She never thought of herself as the maternal sort, having no interaction with children at all, or ever wanting any, finds growing within herself a fierce attachment to the child. At four, Kashiwagi Momoka looks like her parents. She has the blue eyes, dark hair and classical Japanese features that only centuries of selective and careful inbreeding can maintain. She is like a doll. That she should go to Lillian is a foregone conclusion, and it is there that Sei will often pick her up from kindergarten at Sachiko's insistence, wanting Momo-chan to spend time with her 'aunts'. When she sees the tiny Sachiko-clone bouncing toward her in her Lillian smock, calling her name, her heart will constrict. She does not know why, but Sachiko relies heavily on her to help her with bringing up Momo-chan. She will be raised a lady, but Sachiko wants Yumi and Sei to show her the other side of that. She wants Momoka in the Yumi-mould of lady.

Yumi tells Sei this one night as they lie spooning on their bed, looking out at the lights of Tokyo from their bedroom window. She tells Sei that Sachiko wants Momo-chan to learn genuine warmth, so that people will like her for more than her lineage, more than her name and money. She wants her to send rice when she goes on holidays, that sort of thing. Sei wonders aloud what Sachiko wants from her. Yumi laughs at this. The same thing, she answers, confounding Sei. At twenty-seven, Sei still does not see what others see in her. She is only beginning to feel there is more to herself, despite now being a rather successful author of two novels and working on a third. She finds writing to be a voyage of discovery, but because it is usually a lot of fun, she feels like a fraud. Because she is successful, what every writer wants, she feels like a fraud. But the process engages her completely, and there are few things in her life she can say the same about. And yet…

Sei spends at least two afternoons with Momoka a week, and sometimes the weekends too, depending on circumstances. She shows her the secrets of tea-making, showing her both Yumi's and her mother's favourites. She will leave it up to her grandmother to show her the real ceremony, which Sei always found quite boring, so never bothered to retain the specifics. The tea itself is another matter, and she has a substantial collection to blend and mix. She introduces Momoka to the joys of magical girl anime, something Sei herself will never grow out of, and Yumi will come home often to find them in the middle of a re-enactment of a particularly exciting scene, which she will join in with, knowing what it is. Sei who works from home, will read to her a lot, not her own work, but people like Edgar Allen Poe, and Emily Bronte poetry. She painstakingly translates these for Momoka, and though she does not understand them she likes to sit on Sei's lap on the balcony and listen to her. Listening to Sei is something Yumi and Sachiko like too, and even Suguru-san, when he is back from abroad and comes to pick up his daughter from her aunts. Sei and he have calmed down a lot regarding each other, and they find that they quite like each other in a way, for a certain length of time. Momo-chan inspires Sei's one and only children's book, 'Of Cats and Moons', which does not do too well in Sei's lifetime, and quickly goes out of print. About thirty years after the famous Satou Sei's demise, it will be found again and translated into English and it does a lot better, eventually becoming a classic, often considered better than the Little Prince. During holidays, Yumi takes Momo-chan to work with her, and she is the campus mascot, often sitting beside Yumi's lectern, or beside a 'lucky' student, or in the library as Yumi works on her doctorate, the librarians knowing her and letting her help out. As much as a four year old can, anyway.

When Yumi takes the position in New York, Momoka is eleven and her heart breaks at the news of her favourite aunts leaving her, and Sei surprises herself once more with how much she hates to leave the girl, who now wears the grade school tunic and looks even more like Sachiko. Her hair is as long as her mother's and her face is foreshadowing the famous Ogasawara beauty. There is no stiffness in her. She does not hide her feelings, or each a sandwich with a knife and fork. They are kept in check, she is polite child, who does not make scenes, but with people she knows well, and who know her well, she does not have to. When she is happy, she laughs, when she is sad she cries. Anger results in sulking rather than tantrums. And she is angry at the news of Yumi and Sei leaving her. So much so, that Yumi nearly changes her mind, until Sachiko has words with Momoka privately, and the anger and sulkiness is replaced with sadness, which to Sei's mind is worse.

They stay in New York for four years. Once the novelty wears off, Sei gets tired of it fast. She misses her country, misses her friends, misses the language even the air of Tokyo. She feels very Japanese in New York, which was fun and exciting to visit for work, but now living here, she is very home sick, which surprises everyone else. With Yumi working in the university, she has a lot of time to herself, and she spends it walking around Manhattan where they live. She finds interesting things on a daily basis, which keep her amused, and even makes some friends. Yet she does not take to it. It is a hard city, with hard people. She never says it to Yumi, as she feels it is unfair to Yumi to be bitching when it is so important to Yumi to be here. But of course, Yumi, highly attuned to all things Sei, knows that her partner is not happy, and without discussing it, she puts a time limit on their stay. She wants to finish with her crop of students and then they can go home. Sei feels guilty no matter what Yumi says. Being a writer can be a lonely pursuit, even with the few friends she makes here, and she has no one to read stories to. When she gets tired of wandering around the city, she gets bored, and this can result in her being quite demanding of Yumi. Yumi, much like she did with Momoka, takes Sei to work with her, where she sits in on the classes Yumi teaches. For fun, Yumi sometimes uses Sei to illustrate a point. If there is one good thing about living in this city, this country, they do not hide their relationship. Yumi's employers know, her students know, their friends know, and no one cares. Sei and Yumi, as adult women, walk around hand in hand, happy being able to do so.

Another perk, is that they have real weekends here, two whole days when Yumi does not have to teach, and she gets proper holidays also. During the summer, she can take two whole weeks off, more if she wants, so they can travel. Renting a car, they will sometimes drive for miles and miles, no particular place to go. And those are the happiest times for Sei. Just the two of them, cruising the famous highways she read so much about growing up, experiencing the America that is a dreamy addiction to some of her favourite writers. Day or night, any direction, Sei does not care. As long as she is with Yumi, Sei is in her element. Sei discovers that Yumi is the only person she can spend more than twenty four hours with and still love. They rarely run out of things to talk about, and when they do, they can find other activities.

Not that Sei's time in New York is unproductive. Far from it. She writes what goes on to be her most famous international novel. Her novels are already translated into English and several other languages, but she goes truly global with this one. When she is in her late thirties, it gets optioned by a film company in Japan, which gets an international art house release, and a few years after that, it gets remade by an American company, which brings it to the mainstream, and puts Sei very much in the limelight. In Sei's lifetime, this novel 'Blackbird Dawn', which is quite influenced by Yumi's concerns about corruption and the human slave trade, will be featured in Japanese literature, sociology and other discipline's college courses around the world, as will her life and that of Yumi's, who Sei dedicated all but one of her novels to, and for a few years, she will spend more time in the air than she will on ground.

When they come back to Japan, Momo-chan is fifteen, and wearing the Lillian middle school uniform. She is a proper lady, tall and well made, considerate and funny. She has, however, perfected Sachiko's arrogant glare when pissed, which makes Sei laugh to see it, which annoys Momoka more because it never works on her. Yumi tries to admonish Sei for winding Momoka up, but Sachiko is as bad, and will join in with Sei when teasing her daughter. Sachiko says Rei did this for her around this age, and it took some of her corners off. Momo-chan has corners, and the rounding of them is a job in itself. But for the most part, she is a nice girl, grounded and cheerful, as her mother is at pains to keep her so, constantly pushing back the tide of family obligations that would change Momoka from being who she is: a person of her own choosing. Spending time with Momoka at this age is very interesting for Sei, as it makes her question nurture versus nature. Momoka has picked up a lot from her aunts over the years, and Sei can see herself and Yumi at work in her. She blushes like Yumi, is warm and fun like her, conscientious in everything she does, and she has a very Sei slant to her humour and finds Sei's music collection very interesting. None of this could in any way be hereditary, and yet Sei wonders at it.

When Momoka is sixteen, she enters the high school division, and talk of Onee-samas comes back to them all. Momoka is a lot more aware of the nature of these relationships than they ever were, and they have long discussions about them, and Sei will write another novel that evolves from these discussions, and this novel will be very specific to Japan, not really finding an international audience, simply because of its inherent Japaneseness. Sei deliberately does this, because she is writing a letter to her past self with this novel. Set in a private girl's school in Tokyo, it will spawn manga and to Sei's never ending delight, an anime. Eventually, a few months into term, Momoka is beginning to ask questions Sei never thought she would ever have to answer, or indeed would be embarrassed over. Questions about love, and kissing and sex, and if kissing a girl counts as a first kiss, and when is the right age to have sex. Sei finds herself, unbelievably, mortified over these questions, despite what her own high school life was like, which is why she writes the novel, trying to understand why her adult self would find this so difficult. Sei chickens out and directs her to Yumi. Yumi feels Sachiko would be the best one for the job. Sachiko suggests Sei, the writer would be ideal to ask such questions of, because her books are all about love and sex apparently (Sachiko is a harsh critic and Sei learns not to take offence. She just wishes Sachiko would be nicer about it). Momoka is getting tired of this. Sei calls them both cowards, braces herself, and calls Touko.

It is Touko, still the much loved petite soeur of Yumi, who comes to the rescue. In her no nonsense way, she takes Momoka for a trip to her hospital, where Momoka spends the day with her other sort of aunt/cousin/who knows what, and when she comes back she has no more questions, but some blushing when she talks to Yumi and Sei. Sei rings Touko to ask her what she said. Touko snickers down the phone, and tells Sei she gave her a history lesson, leaving out the more graphic details, about both of her 'aunts' losing control of themselves more than once in school, and nearly being caught having sex in the Rose Mansion when their teenage hormones got the better of them one day. Sei dies a little with shame at this, and makes a note to tell Yumi a really exaggerated version of this so she can tear Dr. Matsudaira a new one. No matter how old they get, these bonds they formed in high school never loosen. Yumi can still make Touko bow her head and blush, can still make her smile with delight, can still make her as giddy as a teenager. Sachiko can still make Yumi sit up straighter, and Yumi still inspires an awesome amount of sisterly protectiveness in Sachiko that amazes Sei. Touko says then she just used them as an example of two people, both girls, who fell in love as teenagers, decided what was right for them, and are still together. She used a number of the Yamayurikai as examples, not just them, but Momoka had some serious questions about sexuality that Sei, who is being a big coward about this really, should be able to provide the best answers for her.

When she and Touko hang up, she is still thinking about soeurs. She is as bad she thinks, laughing to herself in their Harajuku apartment, waiting for Shimako to finish admiring Yumi's flowers on the balcony. Sei goes to make tea, enjoying the breeze that comes in through the balcony doors, carrying with it the scent of flowers, flowers chosen for their fragrance. There are some that smell during the day, and some that smell only at night. Since they began living here, many years ago now, Yumi has always planted flowers. Must be a hangover from the amount of time she spent in the green house at school. Sei sees Shimako quite often, at least every couple of months. Their relationship has not changed much with the years. That special warm distance that defined them is still there, and should Shimako ever need it, Sei is ready to do some Onee-samaish things for her. Shimako finally took over the shrine a couple of years ago, her brother making up his mind, and not wanting to do it, and her father retiring due to some unfortunate heart complaint that makes moving around quite hard for him. Sei remembers Shimako's father as quite an active man, who enjoyed meeting people, so it must be hard for him to be like this. Shimako, on the other hand, seems at peace with her decision. As she told Yumi, she did what she needed to do, and could accept her place with clarity. Yumi, Yoshino and Shimako are still very close, and both Yumi and Yoshino can be found in the Toudou home at any time, work permitting.

But not Noriko. Shimako rarely mentions her now. Noriko was a fine girl, a very nice girl, who Sei is sure grew into a nice woman, but she did not quite get Shimako, off by a hair, but enough to keep them apart. She just could not quite forgive Shimako for giving up on them and leaving. Sei was informed of some details over the years, and guessed at the rest. Touko has told her that Noriko got married to an accountant, and named her little girl Shimako, and that is as far as a reconciliation got. Touko also told her that she has no plans to send her daughter to Lillian. Sei and Shimako spend a few hours talking and drinking tea, exploring ideas and keeping their connection alive and well tended. They talk until Yumi comes home, and Yumi calls Yoshino, and they have dinner and talk and laugh into the night.

Sei often thinks that this is all Shimako wants. To have close friends, people she can be herself around, and that is enough. Sei considers her married to the shrine, like Youko and Touko, both of whom are married to their professions. Touko now owns the family hospital, expanding it with Sachiko's help, making it profitable but still a local hospital, where Touko knows the names of her patients, knows who is doing what. She has no time for anybody who cannot allow for this. The hospital comes first. Youko has her busy if not so profitable practice. She has been threatened, and more often not, has to have a police escort. She is well known, but she is picky about who her clients are. She does not defend gangsters, who have the most money, but she defends prostitutes and petty criminals, she does a lot of pro bono work, and through it, she makes concise points about the society in which they live, which is why Youko and Yumi have a lot in common. Youko is attractive, and good for a soundbite, which is why she is often on the news. If they have lovers or significant others, they never say. Yoshino is as flighty as ever, never getting tired of pursuing her next partner. At the moment, she seems very fond of women. Or rather, girls. Much younger girls, which has Yumi making remarks about midlife crises. Yoshino retaliates with an accusation of jealousy, and much to Sei's amusement and pride Yumi will flick her gaze to Sei, look back at Yoshino, and ask who is jealous of what, exactly.

8.

At nearly forty, Sei is very content and happy with these women and their families in her life. The Ogasawara estate is often thrown open for the lot of them, and Sei loves these times the most. Nearly every birthday, anniversary and holiday (both real and made up) are celebrated there. The special, women only New Years are still a tradition, and Sei finds she does not mind the nostalgia of it when she actually thinks of it. Especially as she could be friends with Sachiko again, and Momo-chan can take responsibility for that. It is nice to have Sachiko as her friend again, it is nice for Yumi to have her Onee-sama back, even if they are far too old for that, but when Momo-chan was born, everything changed, and bygones were just that. It is nice to know Momoka. It is weird the first year Momoka brings her petite soeur to one of the New Year's parties. Oddly enough, two things make Sei feel slightly uncomfortable. Momoka became a member of the Yamayurikai, in the Gigantea line, and her petite soeur has a passing resemblance to Sei. Clearly of mixed heritage, and her hair but a few shades darker than Sei's. Sachiko does not seem very surprised when she meets the girl, but says nothing to Sei, and Sei does not have the courage to pursue Sachiko on her knowing smile. But Sei welcomes the nervous girl, managing to make her laugh and blush. Sei thanks the universe that teenage girls have yet to find her a bore.

When Momoka is eighteen, she confesses to Sei that she has always been in love with her. This turn of events confuse Sei. Of all the things she could say, Sei is not expecting this. Much like she wrote to Tomiko-san when she graduated from high school (wondering if Tomiko actually got that letter) she thanks Momoka for loving her and being brave enough to say it (which Tomiko was not). She explains that she cannot return her feelings, as Momo-chan knows, because Sei loves another, the other she has loved for twenty three years, who Momo-chan knows and loves well. She tells Momoka that she is her precious thing, and that she means the world to Sei, and how she misses her when she has to be away from her, but she cannot, and never will, love Momoka the way she wants her to. She will never be what Momoka wants her to be. Momoka accepts this with dignity and apologises to Sei for making her uncomfortable. Sei tells her not to worry about it, and hugs Momoka, and that is when Momoka lets go of her dignity and cries in Sei's arms, cries in front of the one person she would not wish to cry in front of.

Feelings appropriate or not, Sei is like an aunt to this girl, and Sei can do nothing but hold her as she cries and cries, because life is not fair, and one does not always get what one wants. And all the time, Sei thinks of the fine line she treads in other people's lives. She is not technically family to any of her friends, but in a way, an acceptable Japanese way, she is. She is welcome in their homes, is part of their family celebrations, lots of her friend's parents treat her like an additional daughter. Sei is within and without, and it suits her just fine. But it can present its complications. Like the weeping teenager in her arms. She holds Momoka like she did Yumi over twenty years ago behind the school chapel, where Momoka, according to her mother and Yoshino has also been holding girls. Sei's job now is to comfort, to make sure she is ok. She is the same age Sei was then, but she seems so much younger to Sei. But then, Sei cannot shake from her mind, no matter how old Momoka gets, the image of four year old Momo-chan in her Lillian kindergarten smock, running toward her, her scabby knees visible under her shorts, her long hair flying out behind her, and she does not care about school rules, because her aunty Sei is here, in her yellow car, and she is calling for her, and Sei, at twenty seven, thought her chest would burst from the big love in her heart for a child that is not hers, but in a way, was given to her to help bring up by a woman who no matter what, never stopped thinking of Sei as her friend, as a part of her family, and judged her fit to care for her daughter, and teach her things she could not. Sachiko trusted Sei with her most precious thing.

Sei pulls Momoka tighter. Child of my heart, she thinks, trying to disentangle the woman, yes, the woman, Momoka has become from the little girl image she always carries of Momoka. The little girl, who aged six, memorably declared she was going to fly to the moon on a giant cat, just like in her dream. Sei helped her chart her course, and Yumi helped her look up the biggest cats in the world on the internet (the liger was a favourite for a bit. Sei found it creepy, but Yumi kept it as a wall paper for a while. Probably because Sei found it creepy). She struggles to do this, and feels like she is failing Momoka in some way. Sei feels, even at forty one, she is still not adult enough to manage this situation, the same way she could not answer questions on sex properly. Once again, she feels the intangible pressure of not living up to someone else's expectations, which at the moment, is taking the shape of Momoka's need to love. Unlike with Yumi all those years ago, Sei stays quiet, because in some ways, she does not know Momoka, not the way she knew Yumi, so she remains quiet, letting her silent acceptance which is her presence do the talking for her. Instead, she talks inside her head, saying all the things she wants to say, but afraid she will sound patronising, or condescending, be misconstrued or hurtful. Above all, Sei does not wish to harm her.

In her head, she tells Momoka that she loves her, loves the bones of her, that she is the child Sei would have wanted if she ever had the slightest interest in procreating, that she has loved Momoka in ways she thought herself incapable of. That it is a privilege to know Momoka, to have known her since she came into the world, that she learned so much about herself and Yumi that she never would have even guessed at had Momoka not been a part of their lives. That through the power of Momoka's place in their lives, she could be friends with Sachiko again. That Momoka kept Sei interested in the world, she is Sei's important friend, and there is no way she can change that feeling in her. After all, she and Yumi helped to raise Momoka. They fretted over accidents, shared embarrassed glances over questions about sex, cheered her on at various events, helped her with homework, and praised the results. They took her to dinner with them, always remembered something for her when they were away, and when she was old enough, they took her with them, and sometimes Sachiko too. Silently, she tells Momoka that yes, she knows it hurts now, but in a while, and how long that while is, is entirely up to Momoka, she will move on. That clichéd sentiment hurt to even think, but it is true and that is why it is a cliché.

Eventually, with no little embarrassment, it is time for Momoka to go home. Sei kisses her on the forehead, like she has done for eighteen years, and sends her down to her driver, probably the only thing Sachiko ever insisted on that is far, far, less than humble for her daughter. Both Youko's and Yumi's death threats make Sachiko very paranoid. When she is gone, Sei breathes a sigh of relief. She gets a beer from the fridge, and goes and sits in the cold on the balcony, and that is where Yumi finds her when she comes home. She comes out onto the balcony with another beer for Sei and one for herself, and asks Sei what is wrong that she has to sit out here. After all, this is the place Sei sits when something is bothering her. For some reason, the balcony has always been Yumi's place, Sei comes out here to talk to Yumi, or if their friends want to sit out here. She prefers to be inside, lying on the couch or sitting at her desk. Sei debated long and hard before Yumi came home if she should tell her or not about what occurred in her absence. It is not that Yumi would be angry with Momoka, or Sei, as Yumi is not a particularly jealous woman, and certainly would not be over this. Rather she would be upset for Momoka. She would empathise and worry over Momoka. Because that is how Yumi rolls. Sei does tell her, because it does not feel right to have a secret from her, and they have been together a long time, and they know each other well. They finish each other's sentences and have whole conversations without words. That is how they roll, and always have.

So Sei tells her everything, including all of the things she could not say, and Yumi, soft gentle Yumi, cries for Momoka. Of course she does. Just like the time she went out for dinner with Katou Kei because she felt bad for her. Other women would not have been so forgiving, but Yumi understands many things about the world in which they live, and in her own particular way, she goes about exploring them. So Yumi cries a little for Momoka and later, when they are tucked in bed together, she cries a little for Sei having to be the one to hurt Momoka, understanding how hard it must have been for her to be put in this very singular situation. Yumi, who once told the board of directors of her university when they wanted to resign her position over her book, published without their knowledge but using their resources, that they should be ashamed of themselves. They are running an institute of learning, where they mould young minds to be better people, to make their world a better place, that if they wanted her resignation, they would never get it, that she would cause such a shit storm that they would be the ones resigning, that she would fight them every inch of the way. Because she was not ashamed to say she believed in something, and that every student who was under her care would carry that with them for the rest of their lives. Yumi said this in a very casual manner when she came home early from work one day, clearly wrung out but quietly jubilant, that she would not be bullied by bureaucratic toadies masquerading as teachers. She mentioned to Sei as a former Rosa Chinensis, such as thing was not possible. Sei had laughed, slightly hysterical, over the whole thing, but she cannot recall a time when she felt prouder to be this woman's special someone. And here is the same woman crying over a teenager's hurt feelings. If only they knew!

Sei wonders why Yumi would cry for her. She understands the reason, it is more the how. Sei had felt like crying, but she had not. The last time Sei felt like crying was when she and Yumi broke up, and the last time she actually cried was when Yumi came home. There had not been much cause for crying in her life. A fact she is more that grateful for. Even when her father died, she did not join her mother, whom she had not seen for ten years, in her dramatic weeping and gnashing of teeth. Sei had not known her parents properly in a long time. They sent her money, even when she earned her own and plenty of it, they kept doing it. She told them not to, but they said it was their duty to their unmarried daughter. Sei mentioned she was married, and they replied that it does not count. That really was the last straw for Sei. She completely gave up on them. Even Yumi stopped urging her to keep in contact with them after that. They kept sending her money, and Sei let them. It was her last duty, excepting their funerals, to her parents. She let them feel justified; she let them go about their perceived duty. Sei just sent the money to various charities. At his funeral, she felt nothing. She was not sad, she was not angry. She spent some time remembering what it was like when she was younger, and they had a happier unit, the three of them. She remembered him bringing home cake, and she remembered him reading to her. He used to play with her when he came home from work. Then work got in the way, and he, and her mother, chose it over her. They did not need more money, they both came from well-off backgrounds, but ambition is ambition, and greed is greed. And she got sacrificed for it. She watched her mother cry, and still felt nothing. This woman was not her family. Yumi was her family, Yumi who sat quietly in the background of this occasion. Her Rose Family have been her family and their families too.

Youko's mother who used to ask Sei her opinion on such and such a case, and was actually interested in the answer. Youko would be embarrassed by her mother's work talk, as teenagers will be over such things, but Sei thought it was nice that someone would ask her. She thought of Yumi's mother, who after about a three years' worth of tales from her daughter about Sei's adventurous yet awful cooking, taught her how to make some simple dishes even a monkey could make, and they were all Yumi's favourites, who's love of simplicity extends to her stomach. She thought about playing Godzilla Crushing Tokyo with Eriko's son. She thought about getting drunk with Dinosaur-Man-san one night, and playing Godzilla Crushing Tokyo with him too, while Eriko looked on, not sure whether to laugh or cry as the two of them rolled on the floor, quite literally helpless with laughter. They were very good friends after that, a unique understanding born of too much sake. She remembered Sachiko's mother, who loved to see Sei, really shone with it when Sei came to visit, because Sei always remembered to bring her something new to try, a taste of a world that was not for this woman. She remembered going to Rei's wedding, and sneaking out to tie cans to the back of the groom's car with Yoshino, a lovely western tradition that caught on nicely in Japan, the two of them trying to be very, very quiet with a big bag of empty cans Yoshino had been squirreling away for weeks.

She remembered weekends away with friends from college, going to see the cherry blossoms with these people she only sort of knew, and remembered that once, when composing a drunken haiku a petal getting in her drink and nearly choking on it as Kei laughed herself to the point of apoplexy over it. She remembered when Yumi went away for a conference related to her college course in Kyoto, Sei decided to go on a trip herself, that hopefully would coincide with Yumi's, some vague romantic gesture on her part. She and some college friends squashed into her beetle and hit the road. Only, she decided to take Yoshino with her, and somehow, with the exception of Sei, Yoshino managed to seduce every member of the party, which caused some very uncomfortable silences. Sei found Yumi, who of course, was delighted to see her, and Yoshino was made take the train back because of her bad behaviour. Yumi would only seduce Sei, so everyone else was safe.

She remembered when Youko received her first (yes, her first) death threat; how she pretended everything was fine, but finally confided in Sei that she was terrified and she really did not know what to do. This was a huge admission for Youko, who seemed to always know what to do. Well, of course, she likes to let everyone think she knows what to do, but Sei knows better. She knows how human Youko is, how scared she gets. So Sei talked to Sachiko, whose family is well known and well connected, and Sachiko spoke to her father. The death threats did not go away, because this was Yakuza they were talking about, but this family are used to being targets and if anyone knew anything about this sort of thing, it would be the Ogasawaras. Youko remained alive, thankfully, and she was advised to make herself as public a figure as possible. When Yumi was threatened, Sei did not need to say anything. There were body guards at the door, and Yumi was not allowed to drive her own car for a while. Neither was Sei. The bodyguard who spent the most time at the apartment was oddly enough called Yuuki.

Sei sat at her father's funeral, and thought about other people. The people who actually cared about her, and whom she cared about. The funny things, and the sad things, the serious things. She remembered marrying Yumi in Shimako's shrine. She remembered that she was on time, but Yumi was late. She remembered seeing Yumi run up the hill to the house, sweating and panting and apologising, Yoshino running beside her. She did not have time to get dressed in the lovely number she had chosen for the day, so she got married in her work suit. Sei would have married her in a chicken suit. Yumi was here, she did not have second thoughts, just had a flat tire, which she and Yoshino had to change. She did get to wear the dress later on, and Sei lovingly took it off her again in their apartment, after all the festivities, high as kite at the idea of being married to Yumi, not caring that the government did not consider it legal. She was married, dammit, to the person she loved. She remembered that everyone she cared about was there, but her parents were not, because she did not care for them. She thought of everyone except her parents, and that was finally the only thing that made her sad at her father's funeral.

9.

As they lie in bed together, Yumi snuggling into the shelter of Sei's arms, as Sei enjoys the familiar feel of Yumi in this position, as the moon rises over Tokyo on a wintery night, as she runs her thumb over her wedding ring, despite everything that has happened over the last twenty odd years, the good, the excellent, the awful, the indifferent, Sei still feels ok. She wonders at the fears that stilled her tongue earlier with Momoka, that now with Yumi, her best friend and lover, her family, secure in her arms, her fierce little Yumi, her soft little Yumi, she thinks perhaps she should have said what was in her heart. These slow feelings of love and understanding that filter through the chambers within. Now that Yumi is here, Yumi who cries for her, over her, her fears are not so great anymore. She pulls Yumi closer to her, kissing her, cuddling her, not an inch of her unknown to Sei, taking solace in the physical fact of her here in her arms, kissing her back, touching her, loving her, not an inch of Sei unknown to Yumi. She kisses Yumi's soft and still dangerous lips, and smiles as she does so, feeling Yumi smile in return.

There you are, Sei smiles into her. Yes, here I am, Yumi smiles into Sei, in the dark of their bedroom, their bed, their world beneath the blankets.

Here we are.

Done.

My apologies, but the last couple of chapters are going to be a while. I just started college as a grown up person, and I am going to be extremely busy. I will do my very best to get them to you before the end of the year, but I cannot guarantee them. I hope you have enjoyed my writing so far, and I thank you all for your favouriting and following and your very lovely reviews.