THE LEGEND OF ZELDA OCARINA OF TIME PT: III
Chapter 11- Barbie's Test
Zack: What test?
Barbie: The test
Gozz: What kind of test are we talking about?
Barbie: It's simple, each of you must complete a test you are least qualified to perform. All you have to do is fill out these forms so I can determine your individual weaknesses.
He passes them out forms
Zack reads the form
BARBIES TEST FOR NORMAL PEOPLE
1.) Are you:
(a) male (b) female
2.) Favorite color:
(a) green (b) red (c) blue (d) purple
Zack: How are you gonna find our weaknesses with two questions?
Barbie: Oops! Wrong test! He takes the forms Ahh! Here they are! He hands out a test to each of them
BARBIES TEST FOR DESPERATE VIRGINS
1.) What are you most scared of?
(a) bugs (b) snakes (c) salad (d) Jehovah Witnesses
2.) Who is your hero?
(a) Bob Marley (b) Bill Clinton (c) Jigsaw (d) Dr. Suess
3.) When your in the mood what do you think of?
(a) your girl (b) your friends girl (c) yourself (d) your mom
4.) If you found a treasure chest and whatever you wanted would be in it, what would you find when you opened it?
(a) money and gems (b) drugs (c) pokemon (d) girls
5.) What is your favorite sport?
(a) football (b) basketball (c) peg-leg racing (d) drinking
BONUS: Who is the hottest person you've ever seen in your life?
(a) Barbie (b) Saria (c) Pyra (d) Malon (e) Barbie (f) Zelda (g) Sheik (h) Mido (i) Barbie (j) Kaepora Gaebora (k) Dampe (l) Navi (m) Barbie (n) Darunia (o) Ingo (p) Talon (q) Smurfius (r) Barbie (s) Jesus (t) Epona (u) Gemma (v) Great Deku Tree (w) Ruto (x) Rauru (y) Ganondorf (z) Barbie
Gozz: Hm…Looks like the last question is geared toward Barbie…
Zack: I don't like the name of this test.
Barbie: After your done filling out your test, please out them in this box. He grabs a box and lays it on top of a table
Everyone fills out their tests and puts them in the box
Barbie: All done?
They nod
Barbie: Good! He throws the box into the fireplace and it burns
Zack: What the hell? What was the point of filling them out if you were just gonna burn them?
Barbie: Filling what out?
Gozz: Those forms!
Barbie: Nonsense! I haven't seen a form in 75 years!
Zack: How old are you?
Barbie: Enough with the small talk Coonta Kintay! Hurry up and fill out those forms!
Gozz: We already did! You threw them in the fireplace!
Barbie: Liar! I don't even have a fireplace! I'm disappointed in your sexual performance Sieg! That's the first time you've failed to please me since…
Skull Kid: BARBIE!
Barbie: Eh? Oh it's you Skull Kid. What do you want?
Skull Kid: I want you to tell us what happened to the Zora's and I want you to tell us how to breathe underwater.
Barbie: Ok, I'll help you…
Gozz: Finally!
Barbie: If you pass the test!
Zack: Was he this broken last time you saw him?
Skull Kid: No.
Navi: And I thought Gozz was stupid…
Gozz is about to kill Navi when Pyra walks in
Pyra: Hey guys! What's takin so long?
Much to Zack and Gozz's disappointment, Pyra is fully dressed
Barbie: Ah! Pyra! I remember you!
Zack: You know this guy!
Pyra: No way! I've never seen him before.
Barbie: But I've seen you!
Zack: Have you been stalking her?
Barbie: Nope!
Pyra: Then how do you know me?
Barbie grins and heads over to his computer
Zack: Pyra! Don't tell me you're a porn star!
Gozz: I wouldn't be surprised…
Pyra: I'm not!
Barbie pulls up My Space
Barbie: There she is! My favorite person to look at while I…
Zack: That's enough.
They look at Pyra's profile page which is full of pictures of her in exotic positions and poses
Gozz is drooling like a rabid dog
Zack: Wow…
Skull Kid: I had no idea Barbie was a pervert.
Zack: Pyra…Why'd you post up pics of yourself looking like that on the internet?
Pyra: So I could attract guys like you.
Zack: No fooling!
Barbie pulls out a jar of lubricate and a towel
Barbie: Now if you'll kindly leave me alone then I can…
Gozz smacks the jar of lube to the floor
Gozz: What is wrong with you!
Barbie: Oh Siege…you know angry sex always turns me on…
Gozz: I'M NOT SIEGE! He brings back his fist to pound Barbie
Skull Kid: Wait! Barbie, can you just tell us what our tests are?
Barbie: Certainly! As you know, each test is geared to your greatest weakness! Gozz! Your test is to bring a girl home with you from the club!
Gozz: I oughta…
Barbie: Skull Kid! Your test is to get drunk and stoned as hell at the club!
Skull Kid: "drunk", "stoned", are these status ailments?
Barbie: Zack! Your test is to choose who you are going to go to the club with!
Zack: Oh man…
Pyra: He's going with me! Who else?
Barbie: And Pyra! Your test is to please the ever-loving shit out of me!
Everyone glares at him
Barbie: I mean…Your test is to eat Goron food non-stop until the club is closed! If you all complete these tests, come back and see me and I will help you. So long! He ushers them out of his house
Zack: Well…we should head over to the club…
Pyra: Yeah! Me and you will have a good time! Right? She nudges him
Zack: R…right…
Skull Kid: What is drunk and stoned?
Gozz: You'll find out when we get there. You worry to much…
Pyra: You should be the one worried Gozz! You have to bring some babe home! Like you could even bring home a blind, drunk, 5 year old with promises of candy!
Gozz: You little! He starts toward her
…:Hey…Violence is bad man…
They spin around and see two scarecrows
Gozz: Did that scarecrow just talk!
Scarecrow: Yeah man…He takes a puff out a joint We can talk…
Zack: Who and what are you?
Scarecrow 1: My names Bonooru…Were scarecrows man…I can memorize anything…especially the great feeling of this acid entering my system, destroying my brain cells, and causing cancer…
Scarecrow 2: And my names Pierre man…I travel everywhere man…everywhere…
Gozz: How can you travel? Your stuck in the ground!
Zack: And how can you memorize stuff? Scarecrows don't have brains! Ever watched the Wizard of Oz?
Bonooru: Man…don't hate…appreciate…
Pierre: Brother…they just mad cuz we different man…different…
Pyra: We should head to the club Zack.
Pierre: Club? I've been to the club before man…He takes a long drag good times man…good times…
Skull Kid: So...could you guys tell me what stoned and drunk is?
Bonooru: Sure man…come over here and hit this…He holds out a joint
Skull Kid walks over and takes it
Skull Kid: Now what?
Bonooru: Breathe it in man…take it to your head…
Skull Kid takes a heavy hit
He coughs
Skull Kid: Ughhh…He staggers around
Pierre catches him
Pierre: Careful man…you gotta learn to crawl before you walk…
Skull Kid: Everything's watery… The clouds…They fall down again! He starts laughing hysterically
Bonooru: I think we got a new crew member man…
Pierre: Your right man…your right…
Skull Kid: Man…What about drunk man…what about drunk…
Zack: They've changed him!
Pierre: Almost forgot man…here…He pulls a bottle of Colt 45 out of his jacket
Bonooru: Go easy on him man…it's his first time…
Pierre: Brother…sip on some of this…He hands the bottle to Skull Kid
Skull Kid chugs the whole thing
Bonooru: Impressive man…impressive…
Skull Kid: I'm impressive man…un-stoppable and un-touchable man…
Pierre: I think he's ready for some potin oil man…
Bonooru: Don't forget purple haze man…don't forget the haze…
Skull Kid: Gimme dat black and wilds and 500 grams of oxy cotton man…it'll make me feel betta…
Pierre: He's right man…he's right He pulls out a big needle and sticks it in Skull Kid's arm
Skull Kid: What's that man…that ain't no haze…
Zack: You guys are gonna kill him!
Pyra: Shh! This is funny!
Bonooru: I still got some of the meth man…hold him still…He crushes up some crystal meth and pours the powder up Skull Kid's nose
Skull Kid: need…morphine…more….man…more…
Link: That's enough! Link comes marching over and grabs Skull Kid away from the scarecrows. How could you do this to him?
Skull Kid: Put me down man…put me down…I haven't got my tabs yet…
Link: He's delusional! I'll take him into that house for help! You guys wait here! Link goes into Barbie's house
Pierre: I hope we see him again man…he was cool man…cool…
Bonooru: We will man…we will…
Zack: Let's get out of here before Link comes back.
Pyra: Yeah! I don't want him at the club with me!
Gozz: Me neither!
Pyra: I don't want you at the club with me either!
Gozz: Ahh shutup…
They head out of Lake Hylia and into Hyrule Field
Zack: Uh…you know what…why don't you two go on ahead without me? I left my…stuff at the ranch…I'll be over there in a minute.
Pyra: What did you forget?
Zack: Um…protection?
Pyra: Got you covered! She pulls out a Trojan and slips it into her pocket
Zack: I mean my video camera! You don't wanna miss out on us filming each other do you?
Pyra: No…But do you even have a camera?
Zack: Of course!
Pyra: Ok…but hurry…
Zack: I will! He hauls over to the ranch
Zack: Malon? You ready?
Malon comes out the door
Malon: Yeah…you like my outfit?
Zack spends a good 10 minutes eyeing every exposed piece of Malon's skin
Malon: Were gonna be late…
Zack: Right! Let's go!
Zack plays Epona's song and they ride over to the club
Zack: Alright! Just in time! He helps Malon down off the horse and they walk up to the door
Bouncer: Heh…Where you think you goin punk?
Zack: Were goin inside.
Bouncer: She can go. But only Ganondorf's men are allowed in.
Zack: Well to bad for Ganondorf. Tell him to come stop me… He heads in
Bouncer: Yo! He slams his arm into the door stopping it You got hearing problems?
Zack: Yo! You got nut problems mister steroids?
Bouncer: I'll kill you white boy!
Zack: Your white to!
Bouncer: I'm not white! I'm Caucasian!
Zack: That's the same thing!
Bouncer: You just hate me cuz I'm different!
Zack: No. I hate you cuz your stupid.
Bouncer: DIE!
…: Enough… Someone snaps their fingers and the bouncer springs back to his post
…: Did you see the speed of his defensive scramble? He came to win today!
Two men climb out of a limo
Zack: Who are you guys?
…: John Madden's the name, football's the game! He holds out his hand and they shake
Zack: Who's the other guy?
…: Never heard of Skittles? I'm a free-stylin beast cuh! I'm da baddest mo-fo alive!
John Madden: His game speed is phenomenal! As he looks to the outside for an opening, his tight-end does his job and gives him room to maneuver!
Zack: Can you tell baby balls to let us in?
Skittles: Yo biceps boy! Take a sleepy sleep!
The bouncer crawls into a doghouse and goes to bed
Zack: …
John Madden: Amazing performance by the offense! Their penetration in their sleeping game is unstoppable!
Skittles: Lemme show you around the clubby blub.
He leads Zack and Malon in
Rap music plays and lights flash all around
Zack: Not bad!
Skittles: See them girls dancing on the poley pole? I own dem…
Navi: Girls aren't like belongings or pets! There people!
Skittles: Ms. Fairy, shut yo grilly grill and take a chilly pill.
There's a crash and two guys start fighting
Skittles: Ah…fighty fights…the real reason people come to the club.
John Madden: If you take a look at #48's right hook, you'll notice that upon contact he forces blood out of his opponents nose!
Zack: Um…thanks for everything but I'm sure we'll be fine.
Skittles: Go party the nighty night away dawg!
John Madden: And there's a flag on the play! A very disappointing call by the ref…
Zack and Malon walk over to the bar
Zack: Two of the strongest stuff you got!
Malon: You wanna dance?
Zack: Yeah! But first I'm gonna drink some of this He looks at a bottle "Lady Liquor?"
Bar tender: Here you are… He sets down two glasses
Zack: Thanks! Cheers! They clink their glasses together and drink
Malon: That was good! Let's go! She leads him to the dance floor
DJ: Welcome pimps and hoes…
Navi: How inconsiderate!
DJ: This is the grand opening of Club Lady!
Everyone cheers
DJ: I want all ya'll on yo baddest behaviour! And ladies, I want lots of dirty dancing! But before we get this party started, I'd like you to meet our two sponsors, Skittles and John Madden!
Everyone cheers as they walk up on stage
Skittles: Yo homies! I made this club fuh-show fuh-show! I'm so bad I make your mother sad!
Everyone boos at his terrible rhymes
John Madden: And did you hear the crowds reaction to that? Why would they go for it there? Why force another turnover?
Everyone cheers in agreement
Skittles: West Side for life! Run up on me and I'll stab you with a knife!
Everyone boos
John Madden: Now he's got himself deep in his own territory! Ladies and gentlemen, this could lead to a safety!
Everyone cheers
Skittles is looking enraged
Skittles: I ride on 28's all day long, put your hands together if you diggin this song!
Everyone boos and someone throws a bottle at him
Skittles: Ouchy ouch! He falls off the stage
John Madden: TOUCHDOWN! AND THE EXTRA POINT IS GOOD!
Everyone cheers and the music starts
DJ: No Problems, by Lil Scrappy!
Lil Scrappy: you don't wanna be dead in the streets, mouth full of blood, soul full of heat…
Malon starts rubbing up on Zack
Zack pulls her close and they get their groove on
Meanwhile
Barbie: Eh? Oh hello mom! What brings you here?
Link: I'm Link and Skull Kid's been drugged!
Barbie: Gimme the drugs!
Link: I don't have them! Two scarecrows outside have a bunch of them!
Barbie: Well I have to go get my share! You wait here why'll I go buy some.
Link: Wait! Please, heal Skull Kid first!
Barbie: Fine. But my medication doesn't come cheap! 300 rupees!
Link: 300! That's ridiculous!
Barbie: Out of your league? Guess I'll go buy some coke then…
Link: Ok, ok, I'll pay… He gives Barbie 6 purple rupees
Barbie: Thanks! Bye! He heads for the door
Link: What about Skull Kid?
Barbie: Gr… Skull Kid! Wake up! He dumps a bucket of water on him
Link: That's your medication! Water!
Barbie: Water is rare in these parts…
Link: You live next to a lake!
Barbie: I don't have time to argue mom! I'm going to get some drugs…He leaves
Skull Kid wakes up
Skull Kid: What happened?
Link: I saved you from two scarecrows who were drugging you.
Skull Kid: Liar! Scarecrows can't drug people!
Link: These ones did! I saw it happen!
Skull kid: No…I see it now…you did this to me!
Link: You got it all wrong!
Skull Kid: Tryin to fool me with the old "I saved your life" gimmick? HA! You just wanted to get on my good side!
Link: No that's not true!
Skull Kid: Now you die! Feel the wrath of my thousand thorn thrash! He summons up thick thorny vines
Link: No! Stop!
Barbie walks in with his drugs
Barbie: Now, now mom, don't tease Mr. Skull Kid!
Link: I really should be going!
Barbie: Why don't you go over to Club Lady? That's where your friends are.
Link: Thanks! I'll do just that! He takes off
Skull Kid: I'm going to! Link must pay! He follows Link
Barbie: Finally…alone…He heads over to his T.V Hm? What's this? He bends over and picks up a tape Malon gets mucky? Where'd this come from? Oh well…I better watch it! He pops the tape in, grabs his "supplies", and gets comfortable
Back at the club
The song ends and Zack drags Malon off to the side
Malon: That was fun! Wanna go again?
Zack: I…uh…
Fireman starts playing
Malon: Ooh! I love this song! C'mon Zack let's go!
Zack: Wait…He gently pushes her up against a wall
Malon: Wha…?
Zack: Let's do something else…He runs his hands down her body
Malon: Zack…mmm…She grabs his hands you feel so warm…She cuddles into his chest
Zack picks her up and carries her
Malon: Where are we going?
Zack: To a backroom…He opens a door and locks it shut Take that shirt off…
Malon reaches down and pulls off her…
Narrator: Hello there readers! This story is rated T for teen. Therefore it really shouldn't have any naughty things in it. So were just gonna skip ahead 45 minutes into the future. Ok?
The narrator pushes fast forward and stops
Zack and Malon come out of the room
Zack: Malon can you leave so Pyra doesn't know you were here with me?
Malon: Only if you promise not to mess around with her anymore…
Zack: Ok…I promise He crosses his fingers behind his back
Malon: K. Goodnight! She kisses him and walks away
Gozz: Oh there you be! Gozz comes staggering over holding onto some girl for support
Zack: Who's she?
Gozz: This is my friend, um…what was your name again?
Girl: Fara.
Gozz: Right! I knew it started with a Q…
Fara: Why don't we go back to your place Gozz?
Gozz: That's a long walk.
Fara: Then let's go over to the lake.
Gozz: Ok!
She leads him out
Link comes storming in
Link: Zack! You good-for-nothing son of a…
Pyra: Zack! There you are! Where have you been?
Link: I'll tell you where he's been!
Pyra: Where?
Link: I get directions from Barbie, come here and Navi tells me Zack carried Malon off to a backroom where she found the drunk ass hero of time on top of daddy's little princess!
Pyra: Zack! What did you do!
Zack: I didn't do nothun! That fairies a liar!
Skull Kid: Link! There you are! He comes crashing in Now I'll have my revenge!
…: Muhk, yuhk, that's enough of that…
A strange gas pours threw the club and everyone falls asleep
The next morning
Zack: Where am I? He springs up and looks around
…: Your in Barbies muhk, yuhk house…
Zack: Douglass? What are you doing here?
Douglass: Barbie sent me to bring you guys back to his house so he could muhk, yuhk tell you your test results.
Zack: The last thing I remember at the club was a strange gas…
Douglass: That was my patented muhk, yuhk Goron Excrement Gas! Guaranteed to knock out the inhaler until morning!
Zack: Let me guess…your Goron Gas miners worked late hours to collect that exotic gas.
Douglass: How did you guess?
Zack: Never mind. Where's everyone else?
Douglass: There outside waiting muhk, yuhk for you…
Zack: Better not keep em waiting. He walks out the door
Barbie: Oh there you are Cunta Kintay! We were getting worried!
Zack: My names Zack for the millionth time…what did you want us for?
Barbie: Your test results have come in!
Gozz: From where?
Barbie: The North Pole where else? Santa knows if you've been naughty or nice and he also knows if you've completed Barbie's tests!
Link: Did Santa say I was a good boy this year?
Barbie: Oh yes Linky-poo! He also said if you keep this up next year you can work with him in his workshop!
Link: Hurrah! What a joyous day that shall be!
Gozz: Can you just tell us how we did?
Barbie: I suppose…But parental guidance is strongly recommended. Skull Kid! Your test was to get stoned and drunk. You passed with a 60 barely passing.
Skull Kid: Why did I not score a hundred? I did successfully achieve those ailments!
Barbie: Yes but with outside help, the test was for you to force yourself to smoke and drink, not have Link drug you.
Skull Kid: Yes…Link will pay!
Link: I didn't even do anything!
Barbie: Silence! Gozz! Your test was to bring a girl home with you. By some miracle (or some Lady Liquor) this actually happened. However, You did not bring the girl to your home! You brought her outside of my home! I'm feeling generous so Gozz will receive a 70.
Gozz: Ha! Looks like I'm the best!
Barbie: Pyra! Your test was to eat Goron food nonstop at the club. You did not even attempt a bite! You scored a 0!
Pyra: There wasn't even any Goron food there!
Barbie: Silence! Then you should have had a word with the chef! Unacceptable! I cannot believe how ignorant young people are these days! Back in my day I had to sweat and bleed just to make it to school!
Zack: Wow…It sure is a shame we young people aren't as motivated to get a good education nowadays.
Barbie: It sure is! And Zack! Your test was to pick who to go to the club with. You picked Malon and how shall I put this… literally "stuck" with her if you catch my drift…100!
Pyra: You went with Malon! I thought you and me…
Zack: It's obvious he's lying! Look at him! Have you ever seen a less honest looking man in your whole life?
Navi: Shame on you Zack! Trying to disgrace this poor old man! He works hard to make his living!
Zack: You don't even know him!
Link: Such insolence! Trying to drag this honorable man's name threw the mud! You should be apologizing!
Barbie: It's true, I'm just a lonely sad man trying to get threw life the best I can…
Gozz: With this? He ejects Malon Get's Mucky out of the VCR and waves it around
Barbie: That is none of your business! He snatches the tape out of Gozz's hands
You will get no help from me! If you all are going to be so disrespectful to a kind hearted innocent man then you must leave at once!
Skull Kid: Barbie, we are truly sorry for any pain we may have caused you.
Barbie: You are such a good guy Skull Kid. But alas I cannot help you because Navi did not pass her test…
Navi: You didn't even give me a test!
Barbie: See what I mean? Everyone must argue with a genius to try to show off…All of you are helpless untalented fools. May god take pity on your souls…
Skull Kid: Please Barbie! We must find out what happened to the Zora's!
Barbie: It cannot be helped…farewell friends…He goes inside his house
Gozz: IM GONNA STRANGLE HIM!
Zack: Now how the hell are we gonna help the Zora's?
….: Needed to help them Zora's? Well I'm is your men!
They spin around and see a man in a jogging uniform
Zack: Who the hell are you?
…: Name of mine is Dick Hurts an running people!
Gozz: Why the hell do you talk like that?
Dick: No not what you've spoken of do I…But helps you with Zora's I shall!
Link: Oh good friend Dick, please bless us with the knowledge of how to free those poor Zora's…
Zack: Good friend? You just met him!
Dick: All thou must do is simple a task indeed! Answer my riddles and the light of saving Zora's how to yours be will!
Gozz: Riddles? I'm your man! Ask away!
Dick: Not long ago, there was a hoe, who did favors for everyone, even her bro, her lifelong dream was to pleasure men, she had been doing it since she was ten, it was her secret, her master plan, her name was Billy, the ugly caveman.
Gozz:…
Dick: What looking at are you? Answer riddle now must you!
Gozz: That wasn't even a question!
Dick: Alas you have failed! The answer was Tylenol…
Link: Allow me to try…
Dick: I am green, red, blue, orange, red, yellow, indigo, purple, white, pink, brown, silver, black, gold and teal. What am I?
Link: You are colorful!
Dick: Incorrect! I am obviously a black person dressed for church…You only have one more chance…
Zack: I got this!
Dick: This be that outrageous cay eh timothy?
Zack: It sure is!
Dick: A winner have we. Take these you may! He hands all of them a blue tunic Zora tunics are these, breathing underwater specialty is there's travel to the bottom of the lake for the answer to the Zora's fate. Well fare and long so! He runs away
Link: What a charming character! How I wish to meet him again!
Zack: Well bottom of the lake here I come! You guys wait here for a second…Zack puts on his tunic and iron boots and sinks down into the lake
Zack: Glub, glub, glub? He notices a structure at the bottom
He swims towards it and reaches some sort of door
He knocks on it and it opens and starts draining the lake
He climbs back out onto land and removes his iron boots
Zack: The lakes draining! And there's some sort of temple at the bottom of the lake! C'mon I'll show you.
Everyone follows Zack down and they walk into the temple
The door locks behind them
…: Mwa ha ha! So nice of you to come!
5 shadowy figures step out of the gloom
Pyra: They look like us!
…: Good work! We are shadow copies of you, eviler and stronger then you in every way! And we will fight you to increase suspense!
Link: Violence is not the answer! All you guys need is a hug!
Shadow Skull Kid: Alas could it be true! The answer to our happiness? Could it be love?
Shadow Pyra: It very well could be! This could be just like some lame Disney movie!
Shadow Link: Or more likely, the author could be trying to skip a long fight scene!
The shadows gasp and nod in agreement
Narrator: You got it twisted!
Shadow Narrator: Don't listen to him! The author is lazy and his characters must pay!
Skull Kid: HYPNOSIS! Blue waves of energy fly from his eyes and the shadow's collapse in a heap
Zack: Nice! That could've turned nasty…
…: MWAHAHA! THAT WONT WORK AGAINST ME!
A black ball flies out of the bodies and circles them
Link: It couldn't be! The only thing Ganondorf himself fears!
Pyra: What is it!
Link : SHADOW NAVI!
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Sorry about the delay guys! But I'm back to working on this story and I can say that chapter 12 will definantly be up by the end of next week. If the Steelers win the super bowl then maybe by the end of this coming week. Im also working on another fic now so look for it in soon. In chapter 12, the battle for the Zora's begin with a more powerful foe then they dreamed possible, SHADOW NAVI! They also meet Ralph the monk, do some back to the future style time-travel and encounter an enraged Irish man who can summon leprechauns! And who could forget the mascot mansion? It's all coming as soon as I get off my ass and write!