Chapter 11
Emily had been suspiciously quiet on their drive back to Augusta, but JJ for her part didn't pry. She knew that Emily and Ally had been talking that morning and she figured that it had been about her. She wasn't sure what it meant and she wasn't sure that she wanted to know either. As upset as she was about the whole Ally situation, she didn't want to disturb the bubble that surround her life.
She knew that she loved Ally in some way all those years ago and she knew that Ally loved her as well. She hadn't been as naive as everyone thought she was, but she wasn't going to let Ally go completely either. It was one of the reasons that she'd told Emily about her. She figured that it would help if someone else knew about the friend that just left everyone and everything behind to be a government toy. Out of everyone on her team, she knew that Emily would be the one that could understand where she was coming from...on both sides of the equation. Maybe it wasn't fair to bring Emily in so close, but she couldn't help it. She could see so much of Ally in her.
But, then again, Ally had chosen Emily for that reason. She'd made sure that JJ would run into her. JJ wasn't sure how she felt about that. On one hand she wanted to be grateful because of the friendship and camaraderie that she and Emily had developed, among other things. On the other, she was furious that Ally thought she could be so easily manipulated. But, it just went to show her that things weren't always the way they seemed. Ally had been caring for her even when she wasn't there and she'd been keeping up with her since she left her.
She turned to watch Emily. She was focused on the road ahead of them. Her face gave nothing away and JJ was worried that somehow she'd messed things up. She didn't know what to say. She wanted to apologize, but she'd needed the answers and Emily understood that. Emily even insisted on going with her. But JJ couldn't help but feel that she'd overstepped some boundary that she didn't know was there with her.
Emily turned the radio on. She needed something to fill the silence. JJ wasn't talking, but her body language was saying a lot. Emily wasn't sure what to say to her. She didn't know what JJ needed and that hurt. She knew that JJ had gotten her answers, but at what cost and what new questions would she have? Emily wanted to pull over and just talk to her, make her understand her side of things, but she didn't think that they needed to be there anymore. They could talk on the plane or back in DC. The road back to the team didn't seem like the place.
"Are you mad at me?" JJ asked breaking their silence as she turned to face Emily more fully.
"No."
"Did I do something wrong?"
"No."
"Why won't you look at me?"
"I'm driving."
"Oo-okay," JJ replied before she turned back to the window.
They went back to being quiet. JJ just watched the roadway fly by, but her mind wouldn't stop going through different reasons that Emily was upset with her. Did she feel threatened by Ally? JJ wasn't sure. All she wanted was some closure and now that she had it, she wasn't sure that she'd actually found what she'd been looking for. But that was her cross to bear and not Emily's. There was no way for Emily to know what Ally had been thinking about all those years ago when Ally made sure that Emily would be in JJ's path. There was no way that Ally could have been sure that Emily would be the person to stay with JJ the longest.
"Emily?"
"Yeah?"
"Are we going back to DC tonight?"
"I was hoping that we could leave as soon as we could. There is no reason for us to be here any longer. We've already filled out all the necessary reports and the case has been handed over to counter-terrorism. I am sure that there are other cases back in DC that need to be reviewed. I know that we all brought some to work on for consults. We always do, but we have other cases to work. This isn't our problem anymore. We need to go home," Emily said.
"I get that. I do. I want to go home, too," JJ replied.
"I'll call the plane as soon as we get back to find out how long we'll have to wait today," Emily told her.
"I'll call them now, if you want," JJ offered.
She watched Emily's jaw flex, but she wasn't sure if it was in irritation or because she was frustrated about something. JJ needed to know more. She knew that she was going to have to push, but she needed to know. It was eating her up inside. She knew that Emily said that she wasn't upset with her, but her actions were saying other things. She might not be angry, but she was feeling something towards JJ that wasn't her normal thoughts.
"Just tell me what is bothering you, Em."
She huffed and blew out a breath. She had to will herself not to grip the steering wheel so hard. She turned quickly a snuck a glance at JJ. She closed her eyes briefly and took a deep breath.
"I am angry."
"With?" JJ asked.
"Allison."
"Why?"
"Because she played me completely."
"I don't follow," JJ stated.
"She made sure that I was there for you, JJ. She knew that I would fall for you. She knew. I don't know how, but she knew it."
"Is that so bad?" JJ asked.
"NO!" Emily quickly stated.
"Then what's wrong? What's really bugging you about that? Just tell me," JJ demanded.
"She played me. She completely played me. I was just a pawn in her political moves to be put close to you. She used me, JJ. I am not sure how I feel about that."
"Does that change how you feel about me?" JJ wondered aloud.
Earlier that morning
Emily just looked at Ally like she had three heads. She couldn't believe that she had just said that. How in the world could someone do that to someone else? She couldn't believe that she'd been played. It was bad enough what she'd gone through being in JTF-12, but this was bigger than that. Ally had put Emily next to JJ so JJ would have someone to love.
How did she know that JJ would fall for her? How did she know that she'd fall for JJ? Emily thought to herself.
"Don't worry about it too much, Emily. The relationship that you built with JJ was all your own doing. I had nothing to do with that," Ally told her.
"What?"
"I can see it on your face. You're thinking too much. You're over analyzing everything."
"How can I be over analyzing anything? I don't understand fully what you are telling. I mean, I remember you coming to see me in Chicago, but now, you're saying that you put me there to be there for JJ. How am I not supposed to read anything into that?" Emily questioned.
Ally stopped making the omelettes. She turned to face Emily again. Their eyes were warring, but Ally didn't know why. She had done what she thought needed to be done. She grabbed another plate and put the omelette she was working on it. She wasn't sure what to say.
"What do you want me to tell you, Emily? You want to know why I figured that out of everyone that I put near JJ that she would eventually fall for you. Have you looked at yourself, Emily? Have you really?" Ally asked her.
"What do my looks have to do with anything?"
"Emily, dear, you are tall, dark and handsome. Any one with eyes would want you if they weren't asexual. I knew that you would care for her and do you know why? Because I knew about Declan. I knew what you'd did with the case with Valhalla. I know more about you, then you might know about yourself. But, let me stop your line of thinking. I knew that you would care for her. I knew that you would love her in your own way. And, I knew that she needed that. JJ needs love in her life so that she'll keep that light that she has. We both know that that light is so brilliant and blinding that we would hate for it to go out. I knew that I wouldn't be there. I knew that she was going to work for the FBI. It was the reason she was at Georgetown. I was leaving and need to make sure that she wouldn't lose herself in the darkness. I didn't want her to do that. I couldn't let that happen to her," Ally explained.
"And, why not?" Emily inquired.
"Because I already knew what that was like. I no longer had that light. I no longer cared if I lived or died, but I was worried about her. I knew what cases she would be facing would be hard for her. She is a caring and wonderful woman. She thinks with her heart. She identifies with the victims a lot of times, doesn't she? She is also good with the families. She faces that darkness with poise and determination. But, I have a question for you, Emily. Has she ever played soccer for you?"
"No, why would she have?"
"She played soccer for so many years. It was how she got out of East Allegheny. She played sports and studied hard. She did everything she could to get out of town and find a life outside of a small town. Her academics and athleticism are what got her where she is today. She is a master sharpshooter. She has done everything that she can to be the best. It is what she wants and what she strives for. She's driven. Why do you think that she fought to get back to the BAU so hard? Why do you think that she went to Rossi to learn how to be a profiler? She wanted to get back to her family away from home. She was looking for a way to get you back, but you were still with the Interpol," Ally stated.
"I know that. We talked a lot after her dealings with Hastings. She wanted people around her that she cared about and that she knew that she could trust."
"And, I knew that you could be there for her. I knew that you would be needed. Why do you think that I had them offer you the Unit Chief position? Why do you think that you got the offer for the head of the London office? I knew that you could do it. I also knew that JJ needed space. She needed to grow. Had I known what her detail and the job would have entailed, I wouldn't have given you so much space and her so much freedom. I know that sounds callus, but hindsight is always twenty twenty. I gave you an opportunity, Emily and nothing more. The rest was up to you both," Ally told her.
"You knew that she would eventually fall in love with me, didn't you?" Emily questioned.
"It had crossed my mind."
"So, the real reason that you chose me was to be your replacement. It had been a few years and you thought that she was floundering. You wanted to make sure that she was cared for, so you sent me in and you didn't care that you playing with two people. You did this to both of us."
"I couldn't be who she wanted me to be, Emily. I knew that you could. Is it wrong that I wanted her to be safe and cared for? Is it wrong that I helped you rebuild your soul after JTF-12? Is it wrong that I made sure that when you wanted out, you got it? No, it wasn't. I have done everything that I have for her and in my own way for you. And, do you know why? Do you? Because I knew that you would love her as much as I did. I knew that you would go back to her. I knew that London was only a way for you to heal. It was too much for you to deal with. Especially with Will around, but just like me, you left when you knew that she was protected. When that protection vanished, you came back. After the failed attempts to replace you, after Morgan leaving, after Hotch going into hiding, you always came back. And, why is that, Emily? Can you tell me that? I fell in love with her, too, but I knew that I could never be the person that she deserved. I was too dark and too broken. You weren't. And, that is why after everything, after her helping you hide, after walking away because you loved her too much, after all the shit that went down in London, after the bullshit with Hotch, you and only you decided to come back. I had nothing to do with you becoming the unit chief of the BAU. That wasn't me. That was all you. Getting JJ to admit to you that she loved you more than a friend. That was all you. Coming here to help her get her closure. That was all you. So, don't get all high and might with me now. Everything that you've done in the last few years is no worse than what I've done to keep her safe," Ally said.
Emily slapped the steering wheel. She quickly turned on the hazard lights and pulled over into the emergency lane on the interstate. She threw the SUV into park but didn't cut it off. She undid her seat belt and turned in the seat as much as she could to face JJ.
Her heart was breaking. She couldn't help it. She'd hurt JJ because she was butt hurt that Ally was right. Ally may have put her in JJ's path, but everything that happened between JJ and Emily was on them. It seemed like a convient out that she didn't want. But, she'd felt betrayed and played. She felt like a pawn in one of her mother's political machines. She hated politics and anyone that knew her knew that. Ally even knew that. Ally may have paved and greased her way into the BAU, but Emily made sure that she stayed. And, why did she do that? It wasn't just because she loved her job. It wasn't just because she knew that she was that good. It wasn't that she knew that the group she worked with was the best that the FBI had to offer. No, it all had to do with the blue-eyed, blond, Pennsylvania Princess.
God damn it! Why the fuck does my life have to be so fucking complicated? Why can't anything be simple? Why am I so upset? Fuck me, I am jealous of Ally.
Emily flew out of the car. She paced up and down the side of the highway. JJ just watched her. She didn't know what to do. She didn't know what to say. She realized that this was something that Emily needed to work out on her own. And, after about ten minutes, Emily stopped pacing and turned look at the worried blonde as she sat in the SUV waiting for her. Emily hung her head. She was scared of JJ. She didn't want to admit that. But, JJ could hurt her like no one else had before and that scared her. Doyle was child's play. JJ was on a whole other level. Sure, they hadn't really gotten together, together, but it wasn't from like of trying. Each time they got close, they back off mutually. Emily wanted more. She knew that JJ did as well, but they were afraid.
"FUCK!" Emily shouted and the round the back of the SUV to get back to the driver's door.
She opened the SUV and got back in. She didn't redo her seat belt. She sat there for a minute, breathing deeply and trying to figure out what she was going to say to JJ. She knew that she needed to give her some sort of explanation about her outburst. She owed her more than that, but she wasn't sure that they had time for it all. Emily knew that they would have to talk, but she didn't want to do it in the car, on the plane or at work. She hoped that they could talk when they got back to DC, but she didn't know if JJ was going to let her wait that long.
Instead of trying to talk, Emily reached across the vehicle and gathered JJ in her arms. She held her in an embrace for a few minutes, just enjoying their closeness. She drowned in the feelings of JJ in her arms. She drowned in her warmth...in her scent...and then, breaking the spell, she pulled back and drowned in JJ's crazy beautiful, azure eyes.
"Mon Dieu, pourquoi ai-je interrogé mes sentiments pour vous si longtemps?"*
"Huh?" JJ questioned.
Emily just looked into her eyes once again. Then her eyes fell just a little to JJ's mouth. Before she could stop herself, she leaned down and kissed her. There were no words that needed to be said. She loved JJ. She always had. And, no matter how much she fought it, it always came back to the blue-eyed, blond dynamo. She should have known better, but she wanted to question her own reality as soon as she saw her with Ally. She knew who Ally was to JJ. They'd discussed it on several occasions. They had gotten closer...really close since Will's death, but Emily still held back. Then, she saw JJ with Ally and part of her broke. She needed to make up for lost time and she couldn't think of how she was going to do that without kissing her.
"Em?"
"I love you, JJ," Emily said.
* My God, why did I questions my feelings for you so long?