Chapter Ten –

Inside the Castle of Crims

"It's a who, majesty… this is Allyson and um…" he struggled to come up with a good fictitious name for Alice. I didn't need one, since I wasn't high up on the 'Most Wanted' list.

"Um?"

Time for some quick improvisation, "From Umbradge!" I finished for him, smiling courteously at the maniacal monarch. I tried to make it seem as natural as possible, not wanting to come across as suspicious.

"What happened to her clothes?" the royal cocked her head to one side, obviously befuddled by the absence of any outer garments.

"She outgrew them…"

"I've been growing an awful lot lately… I tower over everyone in Umbradge. They laugh at me, except for Allyson. She's very accepting and good-humored about it… she doesn't mind me being so tall; she's pretty tall herself, you see. So we've come to you, hoping you would understand what it's like…" said Alice.

The Queen vaguely grinned, "My dear girls, any one with heads that large are welcome in my court. Someone find Um some clothes! Use the curtains if you must, but clothe this enormous girl!" she commanded anyone of her servants in earshot. The Guards and her court members scattered like squirrels in search of something to cover up Um. She then turned back to us still standing behind the bushes, "You're my new favorites…" she murmured. The out-of-the-ordinary folks already in her court cast dark, jealous glares at the two of us, and while the Queen wasn't looking, I stuck my tongue out at all six of them.

Losers!

I ran after anybody that had fabric in their hands, directing and pointing where to put this that and the other, how to connect this and with what. If Alice was going to wear another makeshift outfit, it wasn't going to look homemade. It was going to be something that I would willingly wear in public without complaint.

We finally scrounged together a halfway decent dress, it was kind of short in my opinion, but it wasn't too bad! "You know, I'd actually like to have a dress like this Um." I winked, "Don't let me forget this design; I really like it!"

Under her breath, she muttered, "When we leave here, you can have this one! My mother would whip me good if I came out of my room dressed like this!"

I chuckled, "Don't feel bad…mine probably would too, but I can get it alternated so it'll be long enough to wear." I tugged a loose edge over her shoulder as we hurried down the hallway after the Red Queen, "It looks nice on you though." I complimented her. She smiled.

Everywhere we looked in the throne room, several animals were hard at work doing things that just weren't natural for animals to do; flamingos and hedgehogs weren't the only ones suffering here. Birds painfully fluttered high above our heads, struggling to hold humongous chandeliers in their beaks. Tables and chairs had no legs, they were being held up by frail little spider monkeys, their arms trembling with exhaustion. Frogs and fish in butler's uniforms stood as still as statues as we walked by them, none of them moved or spoke.

My mind was about to explode with all the anger and resentment that was building up for the Red Queen. This animal abuse was sadistic and unnecessary; and it was really starting to gnaw at my suddenly shortened temper. If the wrong person says the wrong thing to me at the wrong time, they're liable to get an earful; and you can take that to the bank! I had to remind myself why we were here so I wouldn't go off on anybody and give myself and Alice away.

We entered the biggest throne room I'd ever seen (it also being one of the only throne rooms I'd ever seen) and it was furnished much the same way. This woman really knows how to test my patience! Without a second glance at the small primates that held up her fancy-schmancy seat of royalty, the Queen plopped her rear-end in the seat, "I need a pig here!" she called out.

Out of seemingly nowhere, a pig scampered up to her and lay belly-up beneath her feet. Iracebeth dug her heels into its tummy and sighed happily, the pig only grunted. "I love a warm pig belly for my aching feet…Would you like one?" She asked both of us.

"No thank you."

"No thanks." I locked my jaws together, trying to restrain myself from blowing a head gasket. So far it was working, but I didn't know how long it'd last before I lose my cool.

"Sit! Sit!" she instructed us. I refused to sit in the chair next to her, preferring to have a seat on the floor, whilst Alice reluctantly sat on a stool held up by two monkeys. They couldn't even lift her a centimeter off the ground, so they gave up and simply grasped the handles on the chair's sides. The Red Queen glanced at me, "You seem rather tense… is there a problem?"

"No… it's just… I have a lot on my mind right now. That's all…" I lied through gritted teeth. She didn't say anything about it again.

"Go away…" she shooed her courtiers out of the room. They bowed and stalked out the door, grumbling all the way. She droned on, "Where are my Fatboys? You must meet them! FATBOYS!" she barked.

To our horror, the "Fatboys" turned out to be Tweedledee and Tweedledum. I figured this must've been where the Jubjub bird had brought them, but I had no idea their condition would be this bad when we got here. Their once cheerful and round faces were glum and gloomy, and on their foreheads were heart-shaped ink stamps. They quietly shuffled towards us, staring down at the grey marble floor. I was now OFFICIALLY at the end of my rope…this was getting absolutely ridiculous! One more wrong move on her part and her head would be floating in that moat before I left this place!

"They're they are!" she squealed, clapping her hands with joy, "Aren't they adorable!? They have the funniest way of speaking… speak boys! Amuse us."

They said nothing.

"Speak!"

One of them, Tweedledee I think, looked up and caught sight of me and Alice but we shook our heads 'no'. He didn't quite catch our drift, "Are those beings…"

Tweedledum, however, had seen our gestures and corrected his brother, "No it isn't… Not a bit, no!" he seemed to brighten up with hope; he knew we were gonna get them out of here.

This severely confounded his twin, "Contrariwise, I believe it's so-"

"It ain't so no-how!" Dum stomped on Dee's foot to shut his mouth. Irked by the uncalled for toe squashing, he popped his brother's arm as hard as he could. This was followed by much pinching and poking.

The Queen cackled raucously, and I tried my darnedest not to do the same at her, "I love my wittle Fatboys!" she chortled, "Now, get out." she waved her hand to dismiss them.

Casting once last pleading glance back to us, they hobbled out the door…right past the Knave of Hearts waltzing in like he owned the place.

Iracebeth went from a hardened, heartless ruler to a lovesick puppy in less than three seconds, batting her long eyelashes seductively at tall, dark and creepy as he made his entrance. She held out her hand and he hesitantly kissed it; I could tell he wished he was anywhere but here…and he hadn't even seen me yet! Boy was he in for a surprise!

The two Knights that had escorted him into the room did an about face and marched off, leaving him to fend for himself. His facial expression gave away his boredom and a dark circle under his eye told of his sleepiness… all that changed when he saw Alice. Stayne's light brown eye shot open and both eyebrows went straight up, "And uh, who is this lovely creature?" he was clearly referring to Alice, but he should've looked before he started slinging flattery about.

I leaned forward so that he could see me over the Red Queen's puffy dress, and smiled sweetly, "Forgotten my name already Stayne? We met the other day, remember?" I asked him.

His whole face went pale and his eye got even wider, "Allyson?! W-what are you doing here?!" he stuttered in shock.

"Sitting here with the Queen…what are you doing here?" I shot back. He didn't answer me.

"Who's your friend here?" he took Alice's hand and kissed it a lot more eagerly than he did the Queen's. She cast me a fleeting glance, begging me to do something about this weirdo trying to flirt with her.

"Um, my new favorite." the Red Queen replied, with a rather displeased tone. She wasn't too happy about his sudden interest in the new girl.

"Does she have a name?" Stayne asked again.

"Um." she repeated.

He gave Alice an oily smile, "I believe your name has slipped her Majesty's mind, my dear…" he simpered. Good Lord Stayne, get a room man! Please! Bleh! I made a gagging face behind his back, and Alice couldn't help but giggle…all Stayne did was glare at me.

"Her name is Um you buffoon!" Iracebeth slapped the back of his head as hard as she could. He was trying hard not to return the favor; he kept his cool and backed away from Alice. "Any luck with the prisoner?" she changed the subject quickly.

Prisoner? Could it be…?

Ilosovic shook his head and removed his gloves, "He's stubborn…" he grumbled. From my place on the floor, I could see faint scratch marks all over his hands; some were pretty fresh, still bleeding slightly, while others looked like scars from a good many years ago. Hmm, where could those have come from?

"You're too soft… BRING HIM!" the Red Queen shouted to the Guards. Stayne ignored her last comment somewhat, but I could tell he was biting back the urge to say a few choice words to the Queen; probably something along the lines of what Tarrant had said to Chessur yesterday…

A clatter at the door announced the arriving of the Cards and the prisoner; I had to hold my breath so that I wouldn't gasp in shock. It was the Hatter! He was chained around his wrists and ankles, he had bruises and cuts all over his face, blood was soaking through his black waistcoat, and it looked like somebody had given his left eye a pretty bad shiner recently. His gaze was faraway and empty, like he wasn't even there.

For some reason, the Knave got really jumpy and skittish the closer the Hatter got to the throne. There was something akin to pity in his eyes, but I couldn't tell if he was faking it or if he really felt sorry for Tarrant. Man oh man, did Iracebeth know how to drive somebody crazy or what?! She was less than a hair's width away from having me beat her head down to normal size and then some!

It must've been gut-wrenching for poor Alice to see him in such an awful state, she looked like she was about to burst into tears at any moment…yet another reason for me to totally despise the Red Queen.

"We know Alice has returned to Underland, do you know where she is?" she snarled. Tarrant didn't respond for a few minutes, but then he jerked back into the present. His vision seemed to focus a little, but he still didn't see either of us.

"I've been considering things that begin with the letter M…Moron," he grinned and looked right at the Queen, but she said nothing, "mutiny, murder, m-malice…" he continued his list of Ms.

She clearly wasn't as amused as I was by his humor, "We're looking for an A word… Where. Is. Alice?!" she barked hastily. I was thinking of a couple ofA words, but I wasn't going to say them out loud in the present company…

He sat back on his heels and thought, like he was deciding whether or not to tattle on Alice. He finally saw the two of us watching him and smiled wryly; he must think that the Queen and the Knave are both blind as a couple of bats! The answer to her question had been sitting beside her for at least five minutes! "Who, that wee little boy? Ha, I wouldn't know." he chuckled. The Knave was really antsy now; however, he tried not to make it so obvious.

"What if I take off your head?! Will you know then!?"

The Hatter burst into a ridiculous bout of laughter that almost made me giggle myself. Alice had to cover her mouth so that the Red Queen wouldn't see her grin, and the Knave turned away with his lips slightly curling up at the ends. He knew he wanted to snicker like the rest of us, but he wouldn't do it.

"Stop that." Iracebeth snipped. He did as he was told, then he smiled unctuously. Tarrant was up to something…

"What a regrettably large head you have…" he said smoothly, walking closer to the Queen, "I should very much like to hat it."

"Hat it?" she echoed him.

"Yes. I used to hat the White Queen you know. She wasn't very much to work with, poor dear, her head is so small!" he added slyly.

"It's tiny, it's a pimple of a head!" she snorted haughtily. Well at least Mirana doesn't have a pimple for a brain…unlike some people…

"But this!" he cried, pretending to act enthusiastic, "What I could do with this monument, this orb… nay! This magnificently heroic GLOBE!" For a Hatter, he sure was a ham! And I thought I was bad, sheesh!

Her interest was attracted, "What could you do?" she asked, captivated despite herself.

He held up his cuffed hands helplessly; he couldn't do anything with his hands tied together.

"Unbind him Stayne." she commanded the Knave, "How can he work if his hands are bound?!"

I looked up at Stayne from my seat beside the Red Queen, smiling mockingly as if to say, "You heard the lady; get to unbinding Stayne! Chop, chop!" I flicked my hands toward the Hatter.

He rolled his eye, but he was smart enough to keep his mouth shut while he slashed the chains off the shackles around Tarrant's ankles and wrists. Ilosovic stepped back as the Hatter circled Iracebeth, contemplating what kind of headwear to design for her Majesty.

"Well then, shall it be a bonnet or a boater? Or something for the boudoir?" he pondered aloud, "Cloche, dunce hat, death cap, coif, snood, barboosh,pugree, yarmulke, cockle-hat, porkpie, tam-o'-shanter, billycock, bicorn, tricorn, bandeau, bongrace, fan-tail, nightcap, garibaldi, fez…"

He was about to go farther off the edge if we didn't snap him out of it, "Hatter!" Alice pretended to sneeze so she could get his attention.

He stopped mid-rant, "Fez…"

The Red Queen paused in thought for a moment to make her decision, and then she dismissed me, Alice and Stayne, "Leave us."

The three of us left the room and went into the main hall. I'm not really sure where the Knave went, but I had some exploring to do and Alice had a Vorpal Sword to find…