Chapter 11

"Are you kidding me?" Cassian sat up suddenly from his bed, startling Nesta. "How can you be so callous? Do you not understand what just happened?" He turned to her, and his eyes were slits; she wasn't sure if she had ever seen him this angry. "You basically died, Nesta. You chose to risk your own life with no input from anyone who cares about you, without even bothering to let them know what you were doing." He looked at her stunned face and put his hands in the air, breath jagged and rapid. "Do you not understand what it was like for me to see your cold body? To be told you were dead? How about for your sisters?"

He paused to catch his breath, so Nesta narrowed her eyes in defense, stood up, and took her opportunity. "It was the only way to save your wings." Her words came out strong, despite the uncertainty troubling her from his words.

"My wings?! You think my wings matter at all if you're dead, Nesta? I would gladly give them up to keep you from dying."

Nesta swallowed and dipped her eyes. She knew he would, because she had seen him do so firsthand for Azriel. She didn't want to know what he would do if he knew her life was at risk. But then again, that's why she supposed she hadn't told him her plan in the first place. She gritted her teeth. "But we don't both...we don't both need to go through life like this, Cassian." She returned her gaze firmly to his. "I don't want you to have to spend eternity missing a core piece of your self." Her voice quieted, and his expression softened. "I know what it's like. It's not something you really ever can get used to. All you can do is adjust to it. The thought of you having to live your life adjusting, rather than living, like I have to...I just couldn't bear to let it happen. And there wasn't another way to save your wings." Her gaze lightened as she saw his demeanor further relax at her opening up. He studied her for a long time before speaking.

"You could have told me this beforehand." His voice was still gruff and upset, but it had tendered some. Nesta rolled her eyes and crossed her arms.

"You would've stopped me." Her tone was matter-of-fact as she solidified her stance, challenging him to deny it. Instead, he just put on a grimaced smile and shook his head.

"Of course I would. Because you were doing the exact opposite of what you wanted to do."

"What in Cauldron are you talking about, Cassian?" Nesta was getting impatient, as she hadn't hoped to have to have this argument to begin with.

"It's true that I would probably have to adjust to not having wings, but it's not the end of the world. I'd have wallowed a lot, sure, but I could have found a way to be happy, even without them. But you're right that I don't know if I could find a way to live properly without a core piece of myself." He starting stepping closer to her, and his scent washed over her senses. She blinked and returned her eye contact, arms still crossed and standing her position despite the ever-shrinking distance between them. "What you're wrong about–" He stopped right in front of her, leaning in close enough to her ear that she could feel his breath brush against her cheek. She kept her arms crossed to feign disinterest, even as her stomach felt like it was twisting rapidly. "–is that that core piece, what I value most in life, is not my wings." His lips barely broached her ear, and she closed her eyes at the contact, savoring it as long as she dared before responding.

"Hmph. I hate to interrupt your speech, but sweet talk doesn't win arguments, Cassian. Especially predictable sweet talk. I stand by my decision." She pushed him to arm's length, but kept her hand on his chest. He looked at her questioningly, and she felt her heart take its usual tumble. She calmed her nerves, preparing herself to say what she had promised herself she would tell him if she survived. She wasn't going to let him worry anymore, not when she knew what she felt. "I wanted you to have both." His eyes sharpened, and she continued, keeping her gaze dull to avoid showing her nerves grating against her. "This was the only way to do that. And now..."

The door to the room busted open, and she pushed him a bit further instinctually, stepping back herself and turning away to cool her face off, which she hadn't even noticed was burning red.

"Nesta?" Elain's choked voice caused her to spin her attention toward the door to see both of her sisters in the doorway, Elain crying and Feyre leaning against the doorway with a smile on her face. Elain rushed to her and pulled her close. She returned the hug tightly, and they embraced for a few minutes until Elain pulled back. Nesta's heart plunged even deeper at the sight of the pain in Elain's face.

Until her own face erupted in pain as Elain slapped her. She saw initial movement from Cassian as he had to restrain his instincts out of the corner of her eye, before turning back to Elain, whose face was twisted in a fury Nesta wasn't sure she had ever seen.

"What were you thinking? I have been bawling for days because my sister willingly let herself die. I have been making funeral arrangements for my sister, to be prepared in case Cassian was wrong."

"Elain..." Nesta broke in, but Elain quickly cut her off again.

"Don't you 'Elain' me. How would you feel if Feyre had done it for Rhys? You would've just been like 'yeah, Rhys's wings are more important than my sister's life, that makes sense?'" Elain took a second to calm herself, Nesta unable to do anything but stare. "Don't ever hurt me like that again, Nesta. Do you understand me?"

Pain was flying through Nesta's chest at the thought of what Elain had gone through, and she opened her mouth again to try to speak.

"No. Don't say anything. I am too angry right now. We will talk later after I've cooled down." Elain fiercely held Nesta's gaze for a few more seconds before storming out of the room. Feyre stood, wide-eyed, and motioned that she was going to follow Elain. Nesta nodded and Feyre left, shutting the door behind her. Nesta looked up at Cassian, trying to prevent herself from crying. He looked like he was struggling to figure out how to help her, and she wasn't sure she could take any more emotion right now. So she spoke to him in a hushed voice, choking on her words.

"Take me home, please."

A loud knock on the door woke Nesta up hours later, her eyes still red from crying herself to sleep. The night sky greeted her from the outside window. She sat up and wrapped the blankets closer, trying to collect her voice.

"Who is it?"

"It's me." Elain's voice was shaking on the other side of the door.

Nesta paused for a moment, before replying. "Come in."

The door opened quietly, and Elain stepped in, eyes downcast, shutting the door behind her. She looked up at Nesta's face and her own face twisted in pain anew. She quickly averted her eyes again.

"I'm sorr–"

"You don't need to apologize, Elain." Nesta interrupted her sister, not wanting to see the two of them hurting anymore. "You were right. What I did was selfish, and I didn't think of you or Feyre or anyone else. I should be the one apologizing to you."

Elain looked back up at her sister. "How about neither of us apologize and we call it even." Nesta considered the imbalance of that request, but calmed her reply, as she knew better than to deny Elain's forgiveness. She nodded, and Elain studied her. "Can I ask you a serious question, Nesta?"

Nesta tried to force a smile, patting the spot next to her down on the bed in agreement. "Sure." Elain walked over and sat next to her, and they laid down next to each other, staring at the ceiling.

"How did Cassian react when you...woke up?" Elain chose her words carefully, and Nesta breathed slowly, before deciding to explain, downplaying the physical side of it, of course.

"Why are you so afraid of what you have with Cassian?" The words came out sharply, and Nesta swallowed sharply at the request, but she sensed her sister continuing and kept quiet. "Is it really just a hatred of the mating bond? You talk down your connection all the time without realizing it. I thought it was just a wish not to discuss it with other people, but I see it when you talk to him as well."

A silence fell between the two of them as Nesta pondered an answer. "I don't know." She felt her sister's eyes glance over at her. "I can hint with him how I feel. I can give in sometimes and let myself have small tastes of our bond: touching him, holding him, kissing him. But I can't outright say it. Can't outright give in. I feel like it would be...wrong of me, somehow, to plague him with such a troubled person. He deserves to be happy."

"And you deserve to be alone?" Nesta didn't answer, another deep silence falling between them, this time lasting minutes. Nesta wondered if her sister was regretting the conversation, until she spoke up again. "He really cares about you, you know, on a deeper level than I think even you understand. It's easy to say it's the mating bond, but I don't think it is. You hold yourself back from loving people so much. I think he sees that love inside you." She paused, and Nesta looked at her, meeting her concerned look. "I also think he would disagree with your assertion of what makes him happy."

"Cauldron, I'm a mess." This conversation was causing a torrent of thoughts to flood through Nesta's mind. Nesta covered her face with her hands, and Elain giggled next to her.

"You've always been a mess, Nesta. But we love you for it."

"Thanks, Elain." Nesta stuck her tongue out at her sister as her sister smiled again. As Nesta laid back against the bed, looking up at the roof again, she realized that maybe there was some form of peace she could find in this world.

"Do you want to be with him?" Until that question came out of her sister's mouth. Nesta groaned.

"Elain!" Her sister laughed beside her, then yawned.

"You don't have to answer to me. I just want you to think about it. He deserves an answer and you deserve to pick what you want, not some twisted idea of what you think he wants." His words from earlier that day flashed through her mind. Her sister didn't say anything else, and they laid there together, Nesta thinking about Elain's words, until she heard her sister fall asleep next to her.

Nesta didn't bother to knock as she strode into Cassian's apartment, startling him as she shut the door behind her. He opened his mouth but couldn't make a sound, as his eyes were glued to her, scanning her from her styled hair, curls painstakingly teased through it, to the V-neck and fit of her black dress, to the black & silver heels she had changed into after her sister fell asleep. It was an outfit fit for the Night Court. His eyes went up to hers, and the taunting smile returned to his face as he broke the silence.

"Shouldn't you be asleep? It's like 2 am."

"I could ask you the same question. I've gotten enough sleep to last a while, thanks. I wanted to spend the night with you." His smile grew, and his eyes lazily glided over her again as he took his time replying.

"If you wanted me to take you dancing, you should have come by earlier. Velaris loves its nightlife, but the bars still close in an hour or two."

She pointedly eyed his loose trousers and tunic. "Then why are you wasting your time talking to me instead of changing out of your nightclothes?" He raised his eyebrows in amusement, but the grin remained planted on his face as he went upstairs.

She nearly let out a gasp when he returned, sharp in a dark black dress shirt, an open charcoal grey hopsack blazer, and matching black trousers, all perfectly tailored for his body. He noticed her stare and winked. "Has cutouts for the wings too." He showed off, spreading them fully as he walked towards her without his outfit even moving. She rolled her eyes, though she was secretly pleased to see her plan had at least brought his wings back to normal health.

"Yes, I'm sure you get compliments from all kinds of women about it. You don't need mine." She held his gaze as he quickly closed the gap in the living room floor.

"I've never actually worn it before." He stopped directly in front of her and smiled coyly as he maintained eye contact, neither willing to give in to the other's challenge. "Never found the right woman for it." Her face burned up in response, to his obvious delight, and she narrowed her eyes in annoyance as he extended his hand. "Shall we?"

Cassian apparently knew the owner of one of the clubs, which Nesta supposed she should have been able to safely assume from his political position, and they had been granted permission to stay and dance well past closing time. Their dancing had felt like a game the whole night: one person would take the lead, pushing the other, then they would back off just as the dancing got tense, forcing the other to chase the dance. Even the slow dances had felt like high stakes were involved, each partner trying to tell a story to the other with the rhythm.

By the time they were done and Cassian winnowed them back to the apartment from the locked club, the sun was already rising and both of them were exhausted, holding each other up to prevent themselves from falling.

"Ugh, my feet are killing me." Nesta smiled at Cassian and reached for her shoes as she replayed the night's events in her head. She didn't need Rhys's ability to know Cassian was doing the same thing, as he grinned back at her.

"Well you could have prevented that by not trying to keep up with me tonight." His smile back at her was roguish, and she rolled her eyes.

"I remember a different story. Either way, there's no way I'm walking home, so either you can winnow me or I'm sleeping over here."

"Do I get to choose?" His hopeful tone prompted a skeptical look and sigh from her. It seemed the game started by their dancing hadn't ended yet.

"Fine. I'll stay over."

He merely kept his grin as he put his other hand on her waist and kissed her again as she'd let him do all night, allowing the two of them to indulge in one more before bed. "Let me get changed back, and the bedroom will be all yours. I'll take the couch."

She smirked after him, still struggling to remove her shoes, as he leapt up the stairs. For as well as he could keep up with her mentally, he was remarkably dense sometimes. Finally loosening the last ankle strap, she got her other shoe off and gingerly followed him up the stairs. As she pushed open his bedroom door, he turned around, in the middle of removing his dress shirt.

"Can I help you?" He raised an eyebrow. She crossed the room slowly, then took his hands in hers, pulling them off his buttons.

"Yes." Her answer was simple, as she followed it with a deep kiss, moving her hands where his previously were, finishing the job of unbuttoning his shirt. He responded in kind at first, but broke apart when she pushed on his lips with her tongue. She looked up at him in surprise, his face lit with concern.

"Nesta...who knows what we'll end up doing if we start messing around too much after tonight." She rolled her eyes playfully and gave a coquettish smile.

"Oh, I'm very well aware of what we'll end up doing, Cassian." She rolled his name off her tongue, achieving the fire in his eyes she sought for. She moved to kiss him again, and he backed off again. She twisted her face in a frustrated but conceding manner. "Do you not want to?"

He leaned in to her ear, breathing on it. "Believe me, if you want to, you'll be saying my name more than a few more times tonight." She shuddered and gripped his shirt edges at his words, closing her eyes to take in his smell, his sound, his touch better. He kissed down her ear for a few seconds before continuing, the touch sending shivers down her skin. "I just want to do this right."

"Oh?" She spoke shortly in order not to betray her reaction. "How so?" He leaned back to graze his lips against hers, one hand on the back of her neck and the other on her back to support her.

"Well." He kissed her once lightly. "I'll take my time." Another light kiss. "But it'll be passionate." Another kiss, deeper this time. "And you'll enjoy every second of it–"

After his last line, she took charge of his lips, stealing the kiss from him early and making him earn his freedom from her grip, a challenge he did not particularly work hard to win. When they finally broke free, she looked up into his eyes, her steel blue eyes twinkling. "Then show me." She smiled provocatively as her words finally broke the patient goading in his eyes, unlocking the hunger she was looking to unleash.

His hands moved down to her waist as hers wrapped around his neck, and they met their lips in a deep desire, each feeling as if they were searching the other's soul. She didn't notice his hands slide down until she felt him lift her body off the ground, and she wrapped her legs around him in surprise. He pushed her back against the wall, and she whimpered as she felt the rush in her build to an insatiable level, her core heating as she continued to make out with him, pulling at the back of his shirt. He pulled away at her sound and gave her a taunting smile, though he allowed her to remove his shirt by pinning her body with his against the wall, before returning his hands to exploring her thighs.

"Don't worry, you'll have plenty more times for this. Tonight just needs to be more special." She felt him trace every word with his lips along her unguarded neck, as she moved her hands along his solid torso, his firm muscles unyielding to her touch. She nuzzled into his neck in request, and he backed up to let their lips meet again.

"Wait." The word was out of her mouth before she could stop herself, and every muscle in his body instantly stilled. He looked at her, concerned, and a tear escaped her eye at how quickly he responded, despite herself, at the reminder of her past. This concerned him more, and he began to drop her legs, so she batted him and snapped at him coaxingly. "Did I tell you to put me down?" His look of concern quickly morphed into a questioning one, and she wrapped her arms around his neck again as she composed herself.

"Before we...continue, I want to say two things to you that I want you to hear. That you need to hear. Okay?" He looked deeply into her eyes, but he simply nodded. "First, I want you to know that I know you would've been there for my sister and me had you known about Ianthe." His eyes widened at her words. "Please don't feel guilty about that. I'm happy where I am, with you. I know you did everything you could to keep your promise. And since you made that promise to me, I'm absolving you of responsibility for it." He swallowed with emotion, and she kissed him to drive her point home.

"And the second?" His voice was choked, and she kissed him again, not breaking the kiss for a long time.

"I love you too, Cassian." She made sure to keep her grip on his neck so she could say it with her eyes to him as well. He swallowed again, and she saw a tear start to form in his right eye. She smiled and wiped it away with her thumb. "Looks like the roles are reversed this time, huh?" She saw a tremor in his lip as he stared into her eyes, seeing the truth she pushed forward to him this time, and she kissed him.

The kiss he returned was unlike any she'd experienced from him yet. It had all the tenderness from his face written into it, mixed in with the passion from their night together. It felt as if he was pouring his entire love for her into the kiss itself. When they finally broke, she looked at him seductively.

"So Cassian..." She kissed him lightly, and toyed at the back of his hair with her fingers. "How about we get back to where we were?"

The corner of his mouth slanted upward at her words. "I think it was somewhere around here."

Nesta stared at Cassian sleeping next to her, her body wrapped up in his arms and wings. He had proceeded to fulfill his claims to her, as he had provided her several waves of pleasure before taking her himself. She had gasped at the initial pain, but knowing he was happy, and knowing he made her happy, had gotten her through until it adjusted into pleasure itself. And when they finally both broke together, she felt like she had never made a more right choice in her life.

He stirred next to her, opening his eyes to see her studying his face with a smile. He smiled back and kissed her gently. "You should sleep."

"Why should I...when my waking life is better than my dreams?" She nuzzled herself against his body. "Besides, I'm done sleeping. I slept for like 48 hours, remember?"

He groaned. "Don't remind me." She felt him breathe in the scent from her messed hair. "What did I do to deserve you?"

She smiled into his chest. "Be an egotistical bastard, apparently."

"Well, I guess I'm set for life, then." She leaned back to match his grin with her own, and they kissed again. She felt him pull her closer with his wings in response, and her smile broadened. "Can I ask you something?" She pulled away to look inquisitively at him. "Where did last night come from?"

She rolled her eyes and rested her hand on his cheek. "You just don't listen to me, apparently." His eyebrow rose, and she laughed. "I'm sure a lot of people would want to take credit for it, but I had decided to before I ever healed your wings." His eyes widened, and she tilted her head. "Remember? 'It wouldn't be a huge scandal.' 'That's not the only reason I visit.' 'I wanted you to have both.' 'I wanted to spend the night with you.' Any of this ringing a bell? I mean, I literally kissed you in the Spring Court."

"But...you were so resistant to the bond. And you kept distancing yourself from me."

"Well the first part is because the mating bond is stupid. And I still feel that way, even if I still don't know what I'll do regarding it. No one should be forced to choose someone – it's not a choice anymore at that point. And the second is because I was afraid something would go wrong with my plan for your wings, and technically it did."

He studied her expression carefully. "Do you think you were forced to choose me?"

She kissed him deeply in response. "Hopefully you don't need to ask that again."

"CASSIAN!" A loud, female voice came from downstairs, breaking their concentration on each other, and her eyes widened. He motioned to wait. "Are you here?" Nesta rolled her eyes backward and groaned silently. It was definitely Feyre.

"I'll be right back," he whispered to her, before attempting to slip out of bed, though she got in one more kiss before he did. She sat up in bed, conspicuously watching him get dressed, until he went downstairs.

It was a half hour before he returned, and he shut the door loudly behind him, hastening to her. "I hate to do this, but I'm gonna need to take you to the townhouse, then return right away." He saw her irritation at her sister show on her face, so he kissed her and clarified. "We're needed to help rescue Alis, but you need to be ready if you want to join us."