"Don't ever let her go, Sara. I love Emy too much. She should always be part of our family." Both twins were facing each other and had one bended leg and their bums resting on the couch while each had another leg draped down resting one foot on the rug below. Small blue plates carrying the half sandwiches they were currently nibbling on lay on the couch between them.
"I know! That's what I was just saying. It's hard but I want her in my life."
"More like 'It's gonna be hard but I want her in my life." Tegan corrected her then took a sip of her glass of water making sure to place it back on the wooden coaster on the nearby coffee table.
"It's easy for you to say. I do want her in my life. I still love Emy. Not like in that way but like I'll always love her. And oh my god! It's hard though. Like that show, that show in L.A., me an' her were like alone, just me an' her sitting on the steps outside before the show and chatting and like I could barely look her in the eyes. It's so hard sometimes. I love her so much but it's so hard, ya know?"
"No, I know! I know it can be hard. It was hard with me an' Jenn. Sometimes I wish she was still in my life like you still kinda have Emy in your life. In our life. In our lives?" She ended her words with a giggle of embarrassment as yet again she had referred to her and Sara's lives in the singular sense. Tegan would probably always make that mistake for as long as they lived but judging by Sara's careful laughter with her mouth now full of food, her younger sister didn't seem to mind the mistake as much anymore.
"All I'm saying is like Emy's great, ya know?" With her turkey sandwich now in her hand again, Tegan looked at it briefly before turning her gaze to Sara who was nodding at her in agreement and swallowing her food with a grin on her face.
"I know. She is great. I'm gonna do my best to maintain a friendship with her no matter how awkward or hard it is." Once she was able to talk, Sara explained that she would certainly try to keep the relationship intact. Though neither of them brought it up, this discussion was really a business deal as well because they were both agreeing they wanted to continue Emy in their employment. Years later she would continue to be one of their oldest and dearest employees not to mention a best friend to both of the twins.
It was nice to have Emy as the topic while they ate because it kept their minds off the inevitable: Tegan was leaving in the morning. This was their last night together even though it was supposed to be their first night together. It didn't seem fair to either of them especially considering they had just made up in the cab ride home after their fight and things seemed to have gone back to perfect. That is until Tegan saw those missed calls from Lindsey and the course of the evening turned disastrous and nothing like what either of them had planned only 24 hours earlier when they had boarded the plane that took them to Montreal.
"Good! That's what I want to hear. I always want Emy as our art director and part of the band and family." It was an admittedly odd conversation that the pair was having but it had started out innocent enough. Tegan had wondered if she still wasn't able to reconcile with Lindsey even after flying to L.A., would she still keep in touch with her? She feared that they would lose touch or see each other only once in a while. Usually Tegan was on the phone with Lindsey several times a day and it wasn't odd for them to talk for 2 or 3 hours straight. She would miss that contact, intimacy and closeness in her life.
Sara understood the fear and although she wasn't consciously trying to stoke it, she was more than happy to sympathize with and imagine scenarios with Tegan where she would randomly see Lindsey on occasion due to the shared friends they had in common. When Tegan said she'd probably still see Lindsey simply because Tegan was best friends with Hunter who was dating Jaimie, Lindsey's best friend, Sara was quick to nod and agree that no matter if they broke up, they'd never be out of each other's lives completely like was the case with a few of Tegan's ex-girlfriends.
This conversation soon veered into Sara talking about her struggle to keep Emy in her life and that had led to Tegan offering her the strong encouragement to do exactly that. They were being supportive and helpful to each other regarding the drama and struggles with their own girlfriends or exes but what they really wanted to do was be that honest to each other about their own relationship. Maybe that, too, would always be a struggle for them. One more obstacle to navigate and overcome in their already intense and capricious relationship.
Although Tegan had offered to help take her empty plate and glass to the kitchen to clean, Sara cheerfully refused her help saying it was no trouble and she'd be back in a minute. The minute turned into nearly five minutes and when she didn't see Sara emerge from the kitchen back into the living room after the kitchen faucet had stopped running a minute before, Tegan got up from the couch to tell her younger sister something.
"Oh shit! You fucking scared me!" Her entire body tensed up and Sara froze waiting a few seconds before again attempting to slide the now slightly damp wash towel over the nearby oven's door handle.
"Sorry I didn't mean to scare you. And I'm not trying to be nosy or snoop. That wasn't my inten-"
"I know. I wasn't accusing you of snooping. You just scared me is all. Fuck! I was going to surprise us with some wine." By this time, Sara had turned around to face Tegan with her back and both elbows leaning back onto the gray, granite countertop. With a nod to the nearby cabinet opposite her, she motioned for Tegan's help and asked "Can you grab two glasses from there?"
Tegan walked a few more paces to the cabinet and brought down two glasses placing both two inches apart on the countertop which Sara walked over to and filled with the bottle of white wine she had opened a moment before she had washed their dishes. They were standing two feet apart leaning their bodies against the drawers and counter opposite the sink.
"Speaking of surprises. That's actually what I was coming in to here to tell you." Sounding as coy as possible, Tegan curled one hand around the bottom half of the now filled wine glass just above its stem.
"A surprise? You have a surprise…for me?" Sara wondered then picked up the glass of wine closest to her hoisting it up in the air near eye level. "Here! Let's do a cheers first. To making the most of your last night here."
"To making the most." Tegan agreed with a clink of their glasses then continued explaining what her surprise entailed with her cheeks reddening a bit from blushing. "Well, I was thinking about it aaaaannnd…I decided that if you still want to use the strap on with me, then that's fine. We can…we can do that."
"As in I can wear it and use it…on you? For real? Why are you changing your mind? Is it because you feel bad you're leaving tomorrow? Cuz I mean even though I still want to, don't…don't do it for that reason. Don't do it just to make me hap-"
"No. It's something I want. I mean not really want but…I want to try it again. I've only tried it a few times. I was drunk for like most of the times and I really like you." Shaking her head and looking down at Sara's thick, white socks momentarily, Tegan lifted her gaze and continued her speech looking right into Sara's brown eyes.
"Not that I didn't like Jenn but I really like you. Like…like another…thing or reason why I don't really like ya know getting…being the receiving one" She playfully annunciated the word 'receiving' then finished her explanation "is because I feel like so fucking vulnerable in that position. I mean you're getting fucked. Your legs are spread, you're getting pounded into, you're vulnerable, ya know? An' I don't like being the vulnerable one. I like being the one on top fucking the girl. But I was thinking that I kinda like being vulnerable with you. I am…"
This time Tegan shook her head with mock shame and sadness before continuing "I am vulnerable with you. You know me better than Jenn obviously. You know me better than anyone. Lindsey. Jenn. Mum. Anyone. So if I'm going to be vulnerable with anyone I might as well do it with you and since I know you love me, I'm not really as vulnerable with you. Right?"
"Why would you feel vulnerable at all with me? That's what I want to know." She was genuinely hurt wondering why her older sister felt like that with her and she secretly wondered what she could do to stop Tegan from feeling that way around her. Sara listened intently hoping Tegan would explain how she could help her to stop having that raw emotion.
"On your back with your legs spread wide open or on all fours getting taken from behind? Yeah, it's vulnerable. It's a vulnerable position to be in literally. Even the word 'taken', it's clear that like straight sex, ya know, or like hetero-like sex with the strap on is one sided. But you make me feel safe just being around you. In the same building. Literally. If I'm at a party or the studio or some stupid event and ask 'Is Sara still here?' or 'Did Sara get here yet? Is she here yet?' Like when I find out that you're nearby, I get happy. Being around you makes me happy and I feel safe an' secure with you. So, hopefully, I don't feel as vulnerable and I actually enjoy it and maybe get off this time."
"You never came with the strap on?" Holding the wine glass in front of her face to conceal her sheepish grin born of embarrassment from asking the question, Sara then took a big gulp of wine awaiting her answer with the smile still on her face.
"Nope! Not once. I didn't like it and we only did it each time for a few minutes before I would make her stop. And I'm not saying or even thinking you're going to come ya know using it on me but…like I know you're going to really really like it. Remember…'member this morning when I was…ya know touching you when you were on your stomach?
"Yeah?" Insecurity was laden in Sara's voice and wanting to keep herself busy while Tegan explained a potential embarrassing sex story, she refilled her glass of wine even though it was only half finished.
"Well, like…" Tegan started to giggle before taking a large sip of wine that took her two swallows to finish. "Like I was like watching you and laughing because you were doing this thing."
"Laughing? What was I doing?!" She wondered nervously taking a sip of wine while she waited to hear what is was she did in bed that was so amusing.
"Well, like not laughing. I wasn't laughing but like I was smiling watching you. You were like kinda grinding down, your hips were like kinda grinding down and sorta humping the bed."
"I was fucking the bed?" Sara wondered and her older twin instantly knew from her dry response that she was having fun with the news. Tegan wasn't trying to embarrass her. Sure, she was being playful but Sara still knew she was on her side and she went along with the ribbing for both of their enjoyment.
"You were fucking the bed." Confirming it with several quick nods of her head, Tegan looked up with exaggerated empathy adorning her face. "Like the muscles in your bum would flex each time you like went down and…humped it."
"Oh my god!"
"I know! First incest and now bed fucking." Gesturing to both of them with the one hand not holding the wine glass, Tegan's gummy smile appeared on her face along with her last words.
'Tegan! Don't say the I word."
"Sorry! Sorry. But still…bed fucking."
"I know! I know. I'm the one who's going to have to deal with it." At this point, Sara was unable to contain her grin and she was no longer drinking her wine to cover up nerves, she was drinking because she was having fun with her best friend and the girl she liked. Maybe the night wouldn't be so bad. Maybe they'd still have a good time from now until Tegan got in a cab that would take her to the airport in the morning. She hoped it could still be a night they'd both remember fondly and that's what she was thinking about as she took another sip of wine before putting down the glass back on the countertop.
"Nah, we'll figure it out together. Whatever is going on with us." Tegan joked with a wink and another gummy smile. "I know what you were doing though. You were trying to like maximize your pleasure and you were like humping the bed as if you were like wearing a strap on. Have you ever gotten off with a strap on?"
"Being fucked by one, sure! But, no, I've never gotten off using one on a girl. I mean does that even happen? What girl gets off from fucking another girl with a strap on? It's just about giving pleasure to your partner and getting her off."
"True. But like imagine how awesome it would be if you could like feel it though? Like you could feel the dildo in the girl and when she comes, you could feel that?"
"You mean like a penis? They did invent that." Sara joked and she took a small step forward close enough so she could rest her left hand on Tegan's hip.
"No! Like a double-sided dildo with like sensors. They need to invent that. Lesbians around the world would be lined up to buy it."
"Maybe if we have time later tonight, we can work on some prototypes." Her body shook with laughter from their silly talk and she pulled Tegan closer until there was no space between their hips and lower stomachs. Sara motioned for Tegan to put her wine glass down and hugged her once she did then whispered in her ear "You don't have to do this, ya know? We don't have to. I only want to do what you feel comfy doing and I don't want you to do something that you don't want to do."
"No, I do. I told you I haven't even tried it many times and when I did I was drunk, already not really wanting to do it, Jenn just…she wanted to try it, we were both drunk ya know like pretty much every…every time an' it never lasted long. I would stop her after like a minute or two." Even though she didn't need to get any closer to be heard even if whispering, Tegan leaned in and towards the right until they were cheek to cheek and her lips were touching Sara's ear "But I want to try it again with you. If I…if I don't like it ya know then…"
"We'll stop. Whenever you want to stop, we will. We'll do exactly what you want to do" She assured Tegan with gentle caresses to her lower back.
She momentarily tightened her grip around her older twin offering her a gentle kiss on her forehead and another chance to get out of doing something Sara wasn't entirely sure Tegan wanted to do. "Tegan, you don't have to do this. It's okay."
Assuring her again that she wanted to try the strap on with her, Tegan dropped her head pressing her cheek against Sara's shoulder and gave her two swats to the bum with her right hand.
"Okay, well, if you want stop at any point, tell me and I promise I will." Sara pulled back a few inches so they could look each other in the eyes. There was such beauty and liveliness in Tegan's brown eyes that Sara's own eyes briefly welled up with tears thinking about what a magical time being with her sister was. Not many things made Sara happier than being in Tegan's presence. She chuckled to herself thinking about how that was exactly the same thing her twin had just told her. Just being around each other was enough.
Trying to be gentle and sweet, Sara did her best to go about it like Tegan had figuring and hoping that a similar approach would be helpful. "So do you want to go talk about it first? Like what we're gonna do? I'm being serious, too. I'm not being a wise ass this time."
"We don't have to. We're talking right now anyway, right?"
"This is true. Last time when we talked though, I believe I recall a couple hugs" With a thick lisp possibly from the wine, Sara flirtatiously said this as she closed the gap again encircling her with both arms around Tegan's waist and her hot breath on Tegan's neck.
"An' I distinctly remember sucking on your earlobe with your cute bent ear which I'm sorry for. Sorry for bending you, ear. I was very young and didn't know any better." Lips pressed against the bent ear near the bottom then sucked the earlobe inside Sara's warm mouth.
"Kiss the other ear." Tegan seemed to be going along with this sex game they were both playing and she didn't hesitate demanding this from her.
"Your other ear is mad at me? But I only bent this one. Why is this one mad?"
"Because you fucked up the symmetry between them. Now kiss it." Hot air from Tegan's mouth blew against Sara's neck as she barked out the order again.
"Fine" Sara obliged and swung her upper body and head around to suck on the other earlobe then she planted kisses up and down that side of her neck.
"Fuuuuck! You know how much I love having my neck kissed on."
"I know. I love you and want to get you off so I'm licking and kissing you where you like it. Guess where else I'm going to lick and kiss you tonight?" She didn't care how obvious she was being. Sara wanted Tegan to know she wanted her tonight. All their other sexual escapades were going to pale in comparison to tonight as far as Sara was concerned. She was like a woman whose lover was going off to war or a long journey and she wanted to taste and consume and be consumed before they parted. When she pulled back again to look her older sister in the eyes, she felt that animalistic passion within her, too.
"I think I know where."
More kisses to the neck were placed before Sara lips darted to touch Tegan's earlobe and opened just enough to growl "Yes, I think you do." Sara's mouth focused its attention on Tegan's neck once more and she dragged her tongue from the bottom of her neck up to the edge of her jawline then gave her a quick open mouthed kiss on the cheek.
"Ya know how we were talking before about like still hanging out or maintaining a relationship with someone you had feelings for or…still have feelings for?" Perhaps due to the wine but odd words and questions were leaving Sara's lips this evening as midnight was approaching.
"Uh huh" Tegan now had her head leaning against Sara's shoulder and when she nodded, Sara felt her cheek rub up and down reveling in yet another warm body part that Tegan had pressed against her.
"Well, can you imagine how difficult is for me with you? Like I want to be with you always and you make me feel so good. I have such a good time with you but I was so afraid how this would turn out. And now that we like…got together, I thought I wouldn't be scared anymore but now I'm kinda more scared in a way, ya know? They say 'Never date or have the hots for your best friend because it won't end well'…well, like, you're…it's even worse because you're not just my best friend but you're like my sister an' bandmate. I mean aren't you kinda scared by what we're doing?"
Sara's honest words and questions were almost startling even to her. She wondered how Tegan would react to them or even if she knew what she was talking about. If Tegan had asked for honesty and no secrets with their love, Sara was currently doing her best to give her exactly that sort of truthfulness.
She playfully pushed her hips against Sara's but Tegan had arched her back enough to look in her eyes and flirtatiously ask "You have the hots for your best friend?"
"It's worse. I've had the hots for my best friend and then I went an' fell in love with her again. What am I going to do? What should I do, huh? What do I say her?"
"Her, huh? I thought maybe you had the hots for the guy at the theater. I saw you watch him." They both giggled at Tegan's joke but the smiles on their faces would soon disappear when they remembered what they had been slyly talking about: their relationship.
"Shut up! I'm serious. What should I do? What do I tell her?" The tables had turned and Sara was now the one asking her sister for advice with how to handle a situation with a girl.
Much like Sara had done, Tegan was giving her honest advice on how to win the girl "Tell her you love her and love her 100% with all your heart." Their brown eyes were locked on each other and neither of their faces had even a hint of a smile even though they were both being coy with their words.
"Will she love me back? Is that…do you think that would be enough?" Sara wondered and she continued to playfully talk about their relationship and situation as though it was happening to other people.
It would consistently prove to be the most difficult subject for them to articulate even though they were obviously always alone whenever they did. Throughout the years, the twins would refer to their illicit affair as either their "relationship" if things were going well or their "situation" if things were awry. Unfortunately, it was usually awkward when they discussed it and the twins did their best to avoid using the word incest as much as possible.
"She probably already loves you." More coy words spilled out of Tegan's mouth this time.
"You think so?"
She nodded at Sara then leaned to whisper near her ear "You know I love you." Tegan began placing soft, chaste kisses on Sara's neck before warning her. "But did you know that I'm gonna fuck you right now so hard? I'm going to make you mine tonight."
Upon hearing this, Sara bit her lower lip in anticipation of their lovemaking and she wondered if it was Tegan's words or the wine that was causing her rapid heartbeat and the buzzing feeling coursing through her body at that exact moment.
Tegan's lips had slowly made their way to Sara's and she kissed her several times tilting her head to the left and deepening the kiss. "Your lips are so soft. I love kissing them." More kisses were placed on the soft lips then Tegan's mouth moved to the other side of Sara's neck offering more gentle and quick kisses there. Her lips eventually made their way up to Sara's ear where she asked "Are my lips soft?"
Sara was silent with her eyes closed and her head tilted back taking in the loving caresses Tegan's mouth was currently doling out and she quietly answered with "I love you so much."
Without missing a beat, Tegan's tongue continued to swirl around over a patch of skin below Sara's ear for a few more seconds until she pulled her lips away enough to deadpan "I take that as a 'Yes, my lips are soft, too.'"
Sara's clit began to throb and she was aware of that fact a second prior to whispering "Yes, you're soft and your lips are soft." Taking the back of Tegan's head and pushing her face towards her neck so she could continue her kisses there, Sara finished in a low voice but her breathing got faster. "Like I love this so much, Tegan. I love you so much. If this were the last time we were together like this, I would die happy. You've made me so happy. Look at me."
Sara instructed as she pulled her hand off the back of Tegan's neck so she could lean back to look her younger twin in the eye. "Like obviously I wish you could stay. I wish you could stay for another few days but I'm still so happy you're here and that I had today with you…" Rolling her eyes remember their fight before the movie, she continued "Well most of it anyway an' I just love you and being with you. You know I love you, right?"
"I do. And I do, too. I love you, too." She leaned in and brought their cheeks together again with a request whispered near Sara's ear. "Will you put yourself inside me, Sara?"
She answered her question with action not words. One last kiss was placed on Tegan's cheek before Sara's hand grabbed at hers pulling her towards the kitchen doorway. When Sara got to the kitchen light, one hand carefully held her wine glass hovering over the switch and she motioned to Tegan's nearly empty glass which was left behind on the countertop.
"Quick. Refill your wine and let's go." They let go of each other's hands so Tegan could step away and refill her glass then as soon as their hands were interlaced again, Sara turned off the light switch and the sisters made their way into Sara's bedroom.