Lily awoke hours later in the pitch black room. Propping herself on her elbows she felt the space next to her that Severus had so recently occupied and found it empty. The sheets were cold, telling her that he'd been gone for sometime. She pulled the bed covers higher, suddenly feeling very exposedfor reasons other than the fact she was naked.
She fell back on the pillow, placing a hand over her face. The fabric of the bed was imbued with his scent of herbs and old parchment. Ordinarily it would have provided a sense of safety, as though he was still here with his arms around her. Instead she felt dirty for what they had done. Her intention coming here had never been to fall in bed with him.
She'd let herself get caught up in the moment and the way he looked at her. Lily had allowed her emotions to take over her logic and forgotten the fact she'd been recently widowed and was supposed to be grieving. How she could forget that even she didn't understand. She was sick with herself for how easily she'd moved on.
A prickle began suddenly in the corners of her eyes. It wasn't long before the tears brimmed, spilling down the sides of her face. It wasn't an ugly sobbing that contorted her features, but a soft, quiet cry of shame. The door opened suddenly and Severus' fully dressed figure was illuminated by the low light of the other room. She wiped at the wet trails leading down her face, desperate to hide the evidence when he sat beside her.
"I was afraid of this." He breathed lightly, leaning over and smoothing her hair. "I shouldn't have let things go so far."
Lily chuckled despite herself. It was so like him to assume all of the blame. "I could have stopped it too."
"You deserve to be happy, Lils. You can't continue to beat yourself up over how you think James would react. His opinion doesn't matter anymore."
"It's easier said than done." She replied weakly as she reached up, grabbing his wrist. "It all happened so fast." Her eyes went to the still open door, to the room in which her son was sleeping peacefully. "He thinks you're his father. It's like James never even existed." The humor she'd found in the moment the night before was gone now.
He heaved a sigh, Lily could tell what he was about to say wasn't easy. "I think you need to get out of here, grieve properly, find Remus, decide what you want. I'll be waiting whenever you're ready."
She sniffed, trying to stem her running nose. "I think I need that too."
Xxxx
Lily stood on the familiar worn out stoop of Remus' home. It was secluded for werewolf related reasons, surrounded by forest for kilometers all around. From all appearances it looked abandoned, as if it would collapse at any moment. It was magically reinforced, making the building perfect for keeping away passersby while still being an acceptable place of living.
She bounced Harry on her hip as she waited for him answer. Silence responded to her knock and she stood in the biting, end of winter chill. It had been nearly two years since the last time she was here while for James it had only been months. Just as she was about to leave, the heavy door was pulled open.
Golden light from a fire within fell on her and Harry around Remus' frame. She smiled slightly at his tired eyes and lined mouth. His werewolf years had taken their toll and had already begun to age him. He smiled back hesitantly, unsure what to make of her sudden appearance.
"Where have you been, Remus?" Her voice wavered beyond her control. The resentment she'd felt towards him finally making it's way out. "We're the last ones left. Why, after everything I've lost, did I have to come to you?"
His eyes widened slightly at the accusation before he gripped her arm, pulling her inside. "Uncle Rem, Uncle Rem." Harry pouted, arms outstretched for the broken man. Remus leaned his head back slightly, eyes rolling upwards momentarily as he grabbed the boy.
Lily watched him apprehensively, confused by the annoyance that had crossed his face. "Are we bothering you?" She crossed her now free arms defensively and her feet remained rooted to the spot despite the inviting warmth of the fire place.
"No, no." His eyes met the mesmerizing green ones of Harry and an expression of bliss crossed his features. "The little buck could never- you could never."
"Then why?" She reiterated. "It's been five months and we've heard nothing from you. Harry missed his uncle on Christmas, on New Year's… It's just been us." She began to break, the ire giving way to anguish. She was so bloody tired of crying. Remus closed the inches between them, draping an arm over her shoulder. Lily leaned into him, her face resting against the cotton of his clothes. His lips brushed against her crown and she closed her eyes, hugging him in return.
"I should have been there." He murmured. "It was selfish of me to wallow and forget that the two of you were suffering just as- even more."
Lily squeezed her eyes shut. "It isn't fair, none of it." She felt his jaw grow hard against her and knew he felt similar. "I just wonder if maybe he hadn't been such an infuriating Gryffindor, if he'd run with us instead of foolishly holding him off…"
His grip tightened around her as he squeezed her shoulder. "If he wasn't such a Gryffindor I would have had to bury all three of you." Remus separated from her, tugging her farther into the room. It was much more inviting than the outside made it appear. Before they'd gone into hiding, this place had been like a second home to all of them. But, that feeling had since disappeared. Now she felt like a stranger standing beside him.
"Lily?"
The sound of her name broke her from whatever trance she hadn't realized she had entered. She blinked, finding his face again. A frown crossed her face at the realization she had made. "You knew James."
Remus placed Harry on the ground, watching her apprehensively. "Astute observation. What's your point?"
"You knew him longer than I ever could have." Her fingers found the edges of her hair and she ran the strands between her fingers. "Had it been me, had I been the one who died, what do you think James would have done?"
"Done?" His face contorted as he tried to understand what exactly she was getting at. Lily dropped her gaze under the ruse of watching Harry who had a tendency to get into mischief. "He would have been devastated. You know that."
"But, for how long?" She watched him from the corner of her eye as her son began pulling books from a nearby shelf. She hurried to his side, pulling the binding from the boy's chubby hands and knowing that Remus' stare was on her back.
Is there…someone else?" There was a hint of something in his voice she couldn't read, couldn't even begin to comprehend.
"I…don't know. I didn't expect it, I certainly don't understand it…I'm afraid it's too soon."
"How long has this been going on?"
"I can't give you the answer to that either." She hadn't realized just how little she knew about this situation with Severus. "I've been hesitant about letting it actually turn into anything."
"Who are you hurting here?" The gruffness there caused her to take in a sharp breath. She had chosen the wrong person to ask. Lily opened her mouth to take it all back when he beat her to it. "James? What is he going to do about it? Harry? Because he needs someone else that can be there for him."
Lily stared back, surprised at the turn the conversation had taken. She wanted to trust Remus and spit it all out, but the trust was harder to give after what Sirius had done to them. Severus needed their newfound closeness to stay between them for his own safety, for hers and Harry's safety. She thought about his conversation with Mulciber and the front Severus had put on in order to keep her safe. It was necessary for her to do the same. "I think he can do that, would be more than willing to do that." She shook away the realization, wishing to work the rest of it out on her own. Just knowing he didn't find her betrayal disgusting was enough. Desperate for a distraction she found the sleeping crup on the far side of the room.
Lily approached the dog like creature, a grin spreading on her face. Her fingers went across the animal's soft fur, dividing the white and red hairs. "Hey, buddy." She cooed, causing his no longer forked tail to thump in response. He licked his lips gently, staring up into her face.
"He's missed our runs, now he just has me and I'm afraid it isn't the same."
She turned to face Remus again who still stood near the door with his hands in his pockets. The pain on Remus' face was apparent and Lily knew Romulus wasn't the only one to miss their runs. "He did have a special affection for snuffles."
"The full moon is coming up. You wouldn't be interested? For old times sake?"
The mere thought of fresh forest air filling her lungs was enough to make her agree. It had been far too long since she had joined Remus. She knew the change was hard on him, it always had been, but the Marauders had been there. Every month for years they had changed along side him, providing a sense of freedom he hadn't known was possible. The last five months he'd been utterly alone.
She felt selfish suddenly for having accused him of not caring when in fact he hadn't been her priority either. "For old time's sake." She agreed with a smirk. Remus shot her a genuine smile, clearly overjoyed by their agreement. Romulus' tail pounded still against the hardwood floor of the cabin like building as if he could understand what they'd decided upon.
Xxxx
Severus was seated behind his classroom desk, feet propped on top of it and ankles crossed. A stack of parchment sat in his lap and a owl feathered quill rested in his hand. On the opposite side of the classroom was Robert Spenwel, sorting through flobberworms with a nauseous look on his face.
As Severus watched, the resentment he felt towards the students in general seemed to have dissipated slightly. He found himself less hopeless than before, found a desire to fight. Protecting Harry had always been the plan, before the Dark Lord had ever fallen. He'd dreaded the day when he'd come upon the boys face, not knowing just how much the boy would look or act like his father.
Had Harry come into his life as a child rather than the baby Severus was coming to know, he might not have found forgiveness such an easy option. At first the Potter spawn had put him off. The very sight of the boy caused his stomach to turn unpleasantly with memories of what James had done to him. But, as Lily insisted on hanging around, Severus was beginning to realize how much of his mother the child had in him as well.
It was foolish to know the boy on such a personal level. The memories would be harder to sort, to keep from the Dark Lord when the day came, but he couldn't help himself. He was personally indebted to Harry, or rather, to his mother. It was Lily specifically that had provided him the new ray of hope in such a dim life. He found himself flocking to her like a moth to flame, irreversibly and dangerously attracted. Loathe as he was to admit it, Albus had been right.
He'd given up hope long ago that he should ever even lay his eyes on her again. After the countless mistakes he had made, protecting them seemed painfully like the right thing to do. He'd simply planned on doing it from afar.
Sending her away like he had the morning, specifically to a man he despised, wasn't easy. The two of them had only just begun whatever this was. There was only a thread between them that had yet to form into a rope. He was terrified that Remus would somehow undo the small amount of progress they'd made only the night before.
A light knock came at the door, breaking him from his thoughts and he swung his legs down, returning to a normal position as Professor Quigg entered. Her eyes went first to Spenwel who seemed to have not noticed her intrusion, focused solely on touching as few dead worms as possible, before she approached him with a whisper. "A word?"
Severus nodded slightly, gesturing to a nearby chair. She dragged it over so that she was opposite him before taking a seat. Checking once more that the boy wasn't listening she spoke again. "I've been discussing unforgivable curses with my fourth years this week." She removed a roll of parchment from the interior of her robes, passing it to him. "Some of them turned in rather dark assignments."
Severus scanned the parchment. "Gibbon, of course." He scowled, unsurprised, but disappointed nonetheless. The Slytherin did have a nasty interest in dark magic, not unlike his own at that age.
"Much of what he's written we didn't discuss in class."
Lifting a finger to halt the conversation, Severus peeked above the edge of the paper at Spenwel who's work had noticeably slowed. Surely he was eavesdropping as best he could. "That's enough." Severus called out to him. "Rest assured they'll still be waiting for you tomorrow." The Ravenclaw's shoulders slumped and he released a small a groan. Severus lifted an eyebrow in exaggeration. "I wasn't aware decaying worms we're your forte? I'll be sure to keep it in mind for your next detention."
"But, sir-"
Severus gritted his teeth at the whiny voice. "Five points from Ravenclaw for insubordination. Go." Spenwel headed for the door, face full of irritation and Severus was determined to dock more for such absurdity. The previous decreased resentment suddenly came back full force.
When the two of them were finally alone again he placed a nonverbal muffliato and resumed speaking. "I apologize for the interruption. As I was about to say, Gibbon's father is a Death Eater. I would be concerned if Gibbon wasn't educated on such spells."
She ignored the comment and instead pointed to a paragraph towards the end of the essay. "Knowledge isn't necessarily my concern. It seems he might be experimenting with a similar spell. He certainly gloats about the potential."
Severus sucked the inside of his cheek in thought. "I must say, I'm surprised the cruciatus curse was his choice." The words were muttered more to himself than anything as he considered something. "I'll speak to him." Severus sighed louder. That was the problem being head of Slytherin. His protégés had a higher tendency for death and destruction than the other houses. "Thank you for bringing this to my attention." He stood in an effort to dismiss her as he collected the stack of his own assignments he had been grading.
"Is it true?" She blurted, all pretenses of pretending having vanished. "You're one of them?"
"More or less." The answer was strained, there was no need for her to know the truth. "If you'll excuse me, I have a busy night ahead." He lifted the rolls in his hand as if she wouldn't understand otherwise. He would have gladly left her here had he trusted her to lock up the expensive and potentially dangerous potions ingredients. She skirted the room finally and he followed quickly after.
Xxxx
Lily heard the heavy lock of the door click and her head jerked upwards. Severus paused at the sight of her before hurrying inside and redoing the charm. His armful of who knows what was deposited on a table to be forgotten as he rushed to her. "I wasn't expecting to see you for some time."
"I'm sorry to disappoint you." She blushed at the desire in his eyes.
"I'm utterly devastated." He shot her a sarcastic grin and she wondered if he would have kissed her if not for their conversation that morning.
She straightened, prepared for the speech she had rehearsed in his absence. "Remus made me realize something today. You're simple." A frown formed on his lips and his brow furrowed. She hurried on before he could come to the wrong conclusion. "I was afraid we were moving too fast, but I didn't realize until today that with you everything seems simple, right. You are the decision I didn't realize was so easy all along." She eyed him hopefully, but he betrayed nothing. " Other than James, Remus was the one I was closest to. Seeing him used to feel like coming home. But, when I was there today it felt like any other place. Even if it happened fast, I can't deny the fact that home has taken the shape of you."
Seeming to forget that Harry was in the same room, Severus leaned forward, snogging her breathlessly. "Stop." She breathed beneath him in laughter as she pushed him backwards. When he removed himself from her she thought she noticed the hint of pink filling his cheeks, something so very un-severus. She gazed farther at his features, feeling a fluttering in her chest.
His eyes glittered as he watched her, the coal black eyes resembling that of diamonds instead. There was an emptiness there she hadn't seen in years. For the first time she could see that his occlumency barriers had been torn down, leaving everything out in the open. She didn't need legilimency to read what lay there, a mix of desire, euphoria, and to her surprise – fear. "What's bothering you?"
He rolled his eyes, shaking his head. "After a revelation like that you have the audacity to believe I could be upset?" He kissed her again, it was her guess that he was trying to silence any further questions. He pulled back again a minute later, moving from hanging over her to dropping beside her on the sofa and sliding his shoes off with his feet.
Lily watched the way he stared at Harry, almost as if he was confused. His guard had gone back up at the mention of his fear and now all she could see was the fact he was having an argument with himself. She was intrigued by whatever it could be about. Dropping her sight she found that he was fiddling with his wand and she realized there was so much to the man he'd become that she didn't understand.