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ELEVEN
But Bella did not sleep well that night. She hardly slept at all, wondering what she'd done wrong, and when. Everything had been perfect up to the point where she had gone to the bathroom. Had that put him off? No, that would be really immature. Had she been behaving as if she was very needy? Did he have second thoughts because she was a single mom? But he was a single dad, as well!
She tossed and turned, and only fell asleep in the early morning hours, weird dreams making her even more restless.
When the alarm rang at eight-fifteen, she felt like she'd been run over by a truck. She dragged herself into the shower, and unlike the previous weeks, succumbed to the old unhappiness about her body, feeling certain that it must be her squishy bits that had turned Edward off. She forced herself to be a big girl and not to cry, and concentrated on Paulie, and on the fact that it was Christmas.
She left the shower, toweled off, applied moisturizer, body lotion and deodorant, slipped into her underwear, chose jeans and a turtleneck, and put on some makeup. She packed an overnight bag for herself and Paulie, fed the bunnies and at nine a.m. sharp, knocked on Edward's front door. The girls opened her, both already dressed, their hair in identical pigtails, both of them all giggly and excited.
"But if Dad is your boyfriend now, why didn't you sleep here?" Lucy asked, wide-eyed and innocent.
Why, indeed, Bella's inner voice asked cynically.
Luckily, Edward spared her an answer, appearing from the kitchen with a spatula in his hand, looking sexier than ever.
"Hey, beautiful," he smiled, stepping close and kissing her softly. The girls cried "Eek!" and ran away to feed Fred.
"Did you sleep well?" He tucked a strand of hair behind Bella's ear.
"Yes, and you?"
"Missed you." He smiled crookedly.
"Can I help you with breakfast?"
"You could put the chocolate chips into the batter," Edward joked, kissing her again.
Breakfast was lively, the two excited children chattering away while Edward and Bella listened and joked with them. Edward would sometimes kiss Bella's cheek or put his hand on her leg, but she was unresponsive. The girls exchanged their gifts after breakfast, promising each other that they wouldn't open them before Christmas.
"I have a gift for you as well," Edward whispered into Bella's ear, "but I'd rather give it to you when we're alone, if that's okay with you?"
"Sure." She smiled, but it didn't show in her eyes.
Just then, Edward's phone rang and he answered it.
"It's my mom," he mouthed.
Bella made a gesture that told him to go ahead.
"Mom?" Paulie grabbed her hand. "I want to show you the fort Lucy and I made last night."
Bella let her daughter pull her into the hallway. Lucy took her other hand, and for a second, Bella wondered how it would be when she and Edward had broken up. Would they still be able to be friends, for the girls' sake? Because a breakup was inevitable, wasn't it?
She admired the "fort" the little girls had made of pillows and beanbags, looking around Lucy's room. Edward's sister had painted a scene with the rabbit from Alice in Wonderland on one wall. There were lots of books, and even more toys. Bella noticed a tiny desk, which hadn't been there before.
"Is that new?" she asked Lucy, who was busy rebuilding the fort with Paulie.
"The desk? Uh-huh. My mom sent it. It's my Christmas gift."
"It's pretty," Bella said, stepping closer. It was the miniature edition of a Chippendale, very delicate and complete with a miniature chair. Maybe a little preposterous for a child of five, but then, she didn't know Lucy's mom.
Bella's eyes fell on a framed photograph on the desk.
Until then, she hadn't known what Lucy's mom looked like. Now that she did, Bella wanted to bawl her eyes out.
"Is that your mom?" She pointed at the picture.
"Yeah," Lucy nodded, showing no emotion whatsoever, getting back to her task.
Edward's ex-wife was exquisitely beautiful. The photo showed her smiling into the camera, the New York skyline behind her. She looked like Gwyneth Paltrow, like every regular woman's nightmare. She was skinny and blonde, her hundred-volt smile white and dazzling. She was perfection.
Bella suddenly felt sick as all the pieces of the puzzle clicked together. If that was her competition, even if it was competition from Edward's past, there was no way she would ever win.
It was completely discouraging, and Bella's heart sank and sank.
Edward came in a few minutes later, telling Lucy that her grandparents were looking forward to seeing her.
"You okay?" he asked Bella. "You look a bit pale." He kissed her cheek.
"Yeah, I'm fine. I guess we really should be going. We still have to collect Jazzy, and Dad is always fussy about lunch."
Edward sighed.
"Okay. I'll give you a call when we're at my parents'." He pulled her close. "I'll miss you so much, Bellababy…"
"I'll miss you too," she croaked, almost tearing up. She stepped out of his embrace and called out to Paulie. Some kisses later, she and Paulie were getting their bags and the presents for everyone, and were on their way.
Jasper and Alice shared a never-ending good-bye at his front door, which made Bella slightly aggressive. Once he was in the car, her best friend sensed immediately that something was wrong, but he figured that Bella would have given him a call if it was something about Paulie, and decided to wait until they were alone.
Charlie was overjoyed to see his daughter and granddaughter, as well as Jasper. They had the traditional Christmas Eve lunch of trout caught by Charlie himself, and then the men carried in the Christmas tree and started decorating it while Bella and Paulie baked Christmas cookies. Bella's sadness was almost palpable, so that even her five-year-old daughter worried what the matter was.
Dinner was simple, and afterward they played board games, Jasper and Charlie sharing a few beers and Bella knocking back three glasses of Chardonnay. At bedtime, Jasper tucked Paulie into bed, telling her that the sooner she slept, the faster Santa would come. Paulie rolled her eyes and reminded him that he had already told her there was no Santa, but she still wanted her gifts so she went to sleep quickly.
Charlie was glued to the TV watching some football game, so Jasper joined Bella in the kitchen, where she was kneading dough, angrily bashing it on the table.
"Lollipop," Jasper started, leaning against the counter, "what the fuck is the matter?"
Bella grunted and continued to abuse the dough.
"Bell."
"Am I so ugly?" she burst out. "Am I so fat? Why won't that dickhead fuck me?"
Jasper's chin almost dropped to the floor.
"You…. You haven't had sex with him yet?"
"No!" Bella almost screamed, and then collapsed against her best friend's chest, sobbing out her anger and humiliation and disappointment.
Jasper comforted her the best he could, but he couldn't explain the situation either. From what he had heard from Alice, and what Alice had heard from her brother, Edward was totally captivated by Bella, so Jasper was stumped for an answer as well.
All he could do was offer his friend another glass of wine and a shoulder to cry on.
Once she was in bed, Bella re-read each of the messages that Edward had sent her during the day.
I miss you. E
I'm thinking of you. All the time. E
Wish you were here. This is so pointless without you… E
Thinking of your lips, sweet Bella… E
Are you okay? Haven't heard from you all day. E
I'm getting worried, Bellababy. Please tell me everything's okay. E
At last, she typed in a reply.
I'm good. Have yourself a merry little Christmas. B
She fell into a heavy, wine-induced sleep, dreaming of Edward's green eyes and his lips and his crooked smile.
Christmas Day came with heavy snow and, on Bella's side, a splitting headache. Charlie cooked a big breakfast and they ate and exchanged presents. Paulie was over the moon with all the gifts she received, from a smurf villa to a little tutu, the costume for her teddy bear, DVDs and ice skates. The gift from Lucy was a horse for her Barbie doll, complete with a trailer that could be attached to Barbie's car. Lucy had made a card with the drawing of Santa and a Christmas tree. Next to the tree were four figures. One was tall and had ginger hair and green dots for eyes, the one next to it had dark eyes and brown hair. They each had a smaller person by their side, one with curly hair that was ginger as well, the other with dark hair. Bella's eyes filled with tears when she saw it.
Inside was a message written by Edward, his handwriting surprisingly elegant and delicate.
Dearest Bella and Paulie,
We wish you a wonderful Christmas with your loved ones. Enjoy the day and have a great time. We'd love to share it with you, but we'll see you tomorrow.
Many hugs and kisses,
Edward and (this was written in her own clumsy hand) Lucy
There was a tiny note on the back on the card, which Bella almost overlooked.
Sweet Bella,
I got my Christmas gift more than three weeks ago: I met you, and that was the best thing that has happened to me in a VERY long time. Right now, I am thinking of you, my love, because that's what I always do.
E.
She told Jasper about the note when they were preparing dinner later that day.
"I don't understand him, Jazzy. What's going on?"
"Maybe he's impotent?" Jasper wondered as he did the stuffing for the turkey.
"I don't think so," she whispered. "I felt him. You know… Up, close and… up. I think he's huge, by the way." Bella groaned, not even noticing how Jasper rolled his eyes. She had never been so sexually frustrated in her life. This man was maddening!
Later, they all went for a walk and had hot buttered rum when they returned home. Charlie read Paulie from her Sam Pig book while Bella and Jasper put the finishing touches to their dinner, and at five-thirty, Sue Clearwater and Charlie's old friend Billy Black arrived. They spent a nice evening and everyone had far too much turkey and mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce and sparkling apple cider. Bella's mood had slightly improved after she talked to Edward on the phone and he had sounded genuinely upset about not being with her. Jasper called his family and had to promise that he would visit early in the New Year. His parents had moved back to Texas five years ago to take care of his ailing grandmother, and Momma Whitlock never stopped whining about it, missing her Jazzy and Rosie and her only grandson Pete.
Paulie went to bed early that night, exhausted from the big day. The grown-ups kept chatting for a couple of hours, and Bella was now, more than ever, certain that her dad and Sue had something going on. She went to bed before everyone left, hugging them goodnight and thanking them for a lovely evening.
She lay awake for a long time, staring up at the ceiling and wondering what had gone wrong with Edward.
She needed to work the next day, so she got up before anyone else did, breakfasting on a cup of coffee. Charlie would drive Jasper and Paulie home and she'd join them when she finished work. She was just getting ready to leave when the kitchen door squeaked. Bella smiled at the familiar sound - it had been waiting to be oiled for at least three years. Charlie came in, a sleepy smile under his moustache.
"Bye, pumpkin."
"Dad. I didn't think you'd be awake yet."
He shrugged. "It's my time." He hugged her. "Don't worry about that guy, Bell. He'll come around to you."
Bella just kissed his cheek, grateful for his unspoken understanding.
Charlie waved after her as she took off into the dark, snowy morning.
Bella had agreed to do a few long shifts in order to have Christmas off, so the following days were filled with work. It was a welcome distraction that kept her from brooding too much. She had seen Edward and Lucy a couple of times, and Edward had been as tender and attentive as always, but she had avoided being alone with him. She knew they needed to talk one of these days, but she was putting it off, fearing the impending hurt and disappointment.
Edward didn't understand why Bella was suddenly so distant. Had he said something wrong? Was she pissed because they hadn't been able to spend Christmas together? Had he been coming on too strong with his physical advances? He wanted to talk to her, but she had to work a lot, and there never seemed to be any chance to get her alone. Edward felt sad and lonely, two emotions he had been used to before meeting Bella, but not since.
There were plans, mainly pushed by Alice Cullen, to celebrate New Year's Eve together, and she had persuaded Edward to have the party at his home. She would take care of everything; all Edward needed to do was buy the champagne. Edward had gladly acquiesced, since he wanted to be with Bella anyway, and also liked his sister's presence as well as Jasper's.
While Alice was busy shopping and browsing through recipes for her buffet, Edward had asked her a favor. Would she and Jasper take the girls overnight the day before New Year's Eve? He needed to get Bella alone, badly.
"Of course they can come!" Alice had replied. "We'd love to have them here! They can help with the decorations I'm making."
Edward was so happy and relieved that he didn't tell his sister not to bring any confetti this year, since he had found tiny colored dots in odd places for a year after the last time Alice had "done the decorations."
He took a deep breath and speed-dialed Bella's number. It was just after nine p.m., so he was pretty certain she would be home and Paulie would be asleep.
"Hi Edward," she greeted him, picking up after the third ring. She sounded tired.
"Hello, stranger," he said. "How are you doing?"
"Okay, I guess. The past few days have been rather long…"
"I thought so. But you still have New Year's off, don't you?"
"That's right. Paulie is looking forward to the party."
"Do you think she'd be okay with spending tomorrow night with Lucy and Jasper at Alice's?"
"Yes, of course. She loves it at your sister's. Why?"
"Because I want to cook you dinner."
Bella swallowed. So this would be their moment of truth, the dreaded conversation in which Edward would admit that he liked her as a friend but found her sexually unattractive. She had it all figured out in her pretty little head.
"Okay," she said blandly. "Does seven work for you?"
"Um, yes," Edward replied, slightly startled by her neutral tone.
"Good. Then… I'll see you tomorrow at seven."
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A/N:
Ohhh, my heart is hiccupping. Only one more chapter to go…
Thank you for reading. Please leave a review if you liked it. It is the one and only reward I get.
Dellaterra is my gorgeous beta.
Remaining mistakes are mine; I do not own Twilight (just in case you thought I did.)