Hey all - thank you for your continued support! Just a little memo here to say that updates my be sporadic across the board for the next little while. Not only is this story punching me in the gut, but I've been named Lead Fiction Editor for a local literary journal. I'm very blessed (and can't quite get over the feeling that I bluffed my way in somehow), but it means that I now have, quite literally, a million writing-related things to do outside of my fics. I'll update when I can - see: when inspiration strikes - and I hope you'll bear with me. I am quite determined to finish all my projects here, and maybe start a few new ones as well. :)

Chapter Nine: The Blood Red Kiss of Regret

I don't really know what to write here. I had no idea you existed, but that shouldn't surprise me. While the rest of us poured out our hearts to Shepard, she rarely did the same in return. She played things close, closer than I did, and that's saying something, trust me.

I guess the best thing I could tell you is not to lose sight of the woman underneath the legend. I did that for the better part of my friendship with her. I was so captivated by her strength, by her beauty, that I forgot she was only human. With the things she did, it wasn't that hard – wasn't that hard to fall in love with the idea of her. She projected it so readily, that sometimes I wonder if that wasn't her plan the whole time, to keep people away by sending them spinning after a woman who didn't exist.

By the time I realized that I was in love with a mirage, it was too late. I often wish I'd had the opportunity to know her before she fell into her role as our saviour. I would've saved myself a lot of heartache, and maybe saved her some too.

What I'm saying is, I don't know if I'm the best person to ask about this stuff. I do know, though, that she never did anything lightly. She always thought everything the whole way through. If she gave you up, if she never mentioned you, she had good reason.

If I were you, I'd look up Commander James Vega. He did her right the first time, and might be more help.

I hope you find what you're looking for.

Rear Admiral Kaidan Alenko

o-o-o

So, remind him why they were on their way to save some Cerberus scientists? Weren't they the bad guys?

No, according to Shepard. These were defectors who had seen Cerberus' real colours and were coming forward for protection. While that was all fine and dandy, James couldn't shake the feeling that there was something real messed up about this. Sure, these people had no idea that their boss was some batshit insane, pro-human terrorist, totally. It stretched the imagination a little bit. He'd talked to Joker a little bit about Cerberus, and the pilot had mentioned that even though he was taking crazy to whole new levels now, the Illusive Man had never been particularly altruistic.

Which made James incredibly leery about people who had joined him. What it all boiled down to, as far as James could tell, was money. With his old man, he'd seen what greed could do to a person; sometimes money just wasn't worth it. But, with a glance at Shepard, he decided he'd wait until he met these scientists for himself. If she thought they were worth saving, he was willing to give them the benefit of the doubt.

But if they put even one fucking toe out of line…

He guessed what bugged him the most was the idea that these scientists they were going to see – any of them could have been a part of Shepard's resurrection. Hell, any one of them could have been a part of Akuze. Had Shepard even thought of that? She was standing, holding onto the railing above the doorway, eyes focused on nothing underneath her helmet visor. Her free hand was clenched at her side. Yeah, she'd thought of it.

"Are we sure about this?" asked the Major, and James felt a stab of annoyance, not so much that the guy would question Shepard as the fact that James was thinking the same thing.

"Nope," said Shepard, turning to face Alenko. "They could all be murderers and torturers. This could be a trap. But we need scientists to build the Crucible and if there's even a chance these people are ready to defect, we have to follow up on that." Which made sense, but nobody in the shuttle was comforted. Shepard attempted to lighten the mood. "Besides, how can I pass up a vacation to the always lovely Noveria?"

The Major snorted, a smile twisting his lips. "Well, there is that."

There was something James was missing and he really wanted to ask to be included, but this wasn't lunch time cliques here. He crossed his arms and set his chin to his chest, taking deep breaths. Of all the squad combinations, this was the one he dreaded the most. Yeah, maybe he was a bastard for hating the way Shepard and Alenko were grinning at each other. Actually, scratch that, he was most definitely a bastard, but he couldn't really help it. He was like a fucking two year old with a new sibling – he wanted all the affection for himself, damnit.

And God knows, there was little enough to go around as it was.

"Preparing for descent," said Estaban from the pilot's chair. "And heads up, Commander – looks like the base is under attack."

"Of course it is," said Shepard with a sigh, pulling her rifle off her back. "Everybody prepped?""

Both men stood and nodded at her. James jammed a thermal clip into his assault rifle. The shuttle swung over the landing pad and everyone hopped out, Shepard taking point. They had the high ground, overlooking the Cerberus troops. They were closing in on some scientists shooting from behind cover. From the wide angle of the shots, it was clear these people had no formal weapons training. Great, just great. Shepard ducked next to the railing and lined up her shot, taking out one of the centurions.

Immediately, the troops turned to assess this new threat. Shepard's smile was feral, the way it always was whenever they fought Cerberus. She was like one of those old fashioned big game hunters that got a thrill from taking down a mighty foe – except that in this case, the foe wasn't a giant, rabid lion but human beings. Or, no, fuck that. Whatever these Cerberus troops were, James didn't think they could be considered anything close to human anymore.

"Ready for a party, gentlemen?" asked Shepard.

James fired on a few stock troops trying to make their way up the ramp. "And if I'd known, I would've brought my dancing shoes." His heart leapt to his throat at her laughter.

But after that, joviality was abandoned for hard work. With those Cerberus forces pinned in the middle, that centre area should've been a killing ground. Between them on the one side and the scientists on the other, it didn't matter how shitty they could shoot, those Cerberus guy should've been riddled with holes. So how come they weren't?

Shepard was thinking the same thing. "Something's wrong," she said, reloading and blowing the head off a phantom creeping their way. "We need to push forward."

"Won't that drive the enemy towards the civilians?" objected the Major.

"You see anybody shooting from over there?" Shepard slammed a new thermal clip home. "No? Me neither. Either they're all dead, or they're sitting scared. If it's the first, it doesn't matter if we drive them forward. If it's the second, all the troops have to do is sneak around the perimeter, kill the civilians and they'll have a straight run to the door. We need to stop that from happening."

"The locked door," pointed out Alenko.

"Don't put anything against these Cerberus bastards," said Shepard, voice rough.

James nearly opened his mouth to ask if they weren't technically headed to save some of those Cerberus bastards but decided against it. She was getting enough flak from Alenko as it was, and he trusted her call. He leaned forward. "I'll take point and you and the Major follow?"

Her eyes touched on his face for a moment. There was an unspoken question between them.

"Hey," he said, "I'll be fine. I'm built like a rhino, remember?"

He got no reply to that, but she did jerk her head towards the ramp down. James scrambled forward. He started around the corner, firing into the chests of the troops he found there before rolling into cover. Of course, he didn't count on those SOBs being quite as courageous as they were, because for every one he picked off three more seemed to appear. Heads were exploding around him, and one centurion got way too close only to be thrown back a few dozen feet in a haze of blue biotics. James had to admit, albeit grudgingly, that it was pretty fucking impressive - but he still didn't like the Major.

He kept advancing and shooting until he couldn't find anyone left to shoot at and he heard Shepard yell clear from her vantage point. She came jogging up next to him, slapping him on the shoulder, but she didn't stop. She booked it over to those crates where the Cerberus civilians were supposed to be, only they were a little more dead than James had anticipated. He felt bad even knowing what they'd done, what they'd been a part of. It never got easier, seeing non-combatants get gunned down.

"Shepard," wheezed someone, and James rounded the last crate to see a downed man bleeding from a wound in his side. He obviously wasn't a scientist judging from the build of him, but the lightweight armour he wore didn't speak to soldiering either.

"Jacob Taylor," said Shepard, surprise evident in her voice and James remembered what that Jack chick had said about keeping man candy on board the Normandy. He might even have been jealous, only it was clear as day that neither one was carrying a torch for the other. 'Course, that might also have been the fact that Taylor there was currently bleeding all over the pavement.

"Didn't really expect to see you here, Commander," said Taylor with a bit of a smile. It turned into a wince as Shepard applied medigel.

"Well, you know me," she said, voice friendly even though her face was totally flat, "I always manage to just wander right into dangerous situations."

"That you do," agreed Taylor. "Now, we should probably get inside before more troops show up." He radioed some woman and the big doors pulled open. He introduced the group to Dr. Brynn Cole – head honcho on Noveria. Turns out, all those scientists had defected from Cerberus, taking with them pretty much everything they could carry.

Maybe they weren't so bad after all. Maybe.

Of course, they went from potential war criminals to a pain his ass the second he realized they'd all defected with their families. And yeah, he got that they couldn't just leave their families – especially when it became clear that the Reapers really were coming, period – but Jesus Christ, if you're hiding from a huge, sadistic cooperation, it might do to recruit a few more mercenaries. The lone Jacob Taylor didn't seem to be doing so good on his own.

But this being Shepard, they of course were going to save everyone. He could see it in the set of her shoulders. And they did all right, for the most part. Got the AA guns back online. Got most of the shuttles out. In fact, it was all going pretty great until bucket loads of Cerberus troops started jumping from the sky.

"We need to clear this area," yelled Shepard over the gunfire. "Those shuttles don't have the shields to withstand them."

He and Alenko both nodded. The Major overloaded the shield pylons some of those bastards had found time to erect. Shepard was picking them off one by one as they dropped out of their shuttles. The woman was like a fucking killing machine. If she'd hated Cerberus before the coup, he didn't know what to call the cold passion she was showing as she shot them down. The quips were gone, and she was, in James' opinion, at her most beautiful. Sweat dripped down her forehead, and those few lines were camping between her brows.

Mind you, he didn't exactly have time to sit and moon over her. He was too busy shooting. Alenko moved up and to the side at one point, and then gestured for James to follow. And because he was a soldier first and foremost, James followed because just 'cause he didn't like Alenko didn't mean that he was going to disobey a superior order. He crouched behind some crates a few feet up from Shepard who was hanging back.

He lobbed a grenade and that's when he heard it. It was sharp and brief, but he zeroed in on Shepard's cry like it was the only thing on the battlefield. He saw her fall behind her cover, and followed the red glow of a sniping laser to some fucking Cerberus bitch. His hand went to his belt and he pulled a grenade and lobbed it over, hoping that whoever it was didn't die too quickly. He wanted her to feel it.

When there was a break in the fire, he scrambled backwards, over the crates. Alenko was demanding, Shepard, status over the comm unit, but she wasn't answering and James needed to see how bad it was for himself. There was no way she was dead, he told himself, because she's fucking Kayleigh Shepard and she's made of steel and…

She wasn't dead, and that should've been a relief but it wasn't because there was too much blood on the outside – too much of her blood. Those blue eyes rolled upwards to him, and she smiled, her lips stained with red. He'd had fantasies of her with red lips, usually going down on him and – but not like this. Never like this.

"Fucking pathetic," she said, voice thick. With every breath she took, something in her chest rattled. "I moved just in time to avoid a head shot, but not fast enough. I'm losing my edge."

"If this is you without an edge," said James, pulling up his medigel dispenser, "I'd hate to see you when you're sharp."

She coughed, and James was alarmed to see the amount of blood that dribbled down her chin. He removed his gauntlet and wiped it away from her chin with his bare hand. Her blue eyes turned their gaze on him, and he felt as though she could see all the way through him. It was only maybe half a second, but something shifted then. She nodded to herself. "We're getting out of here," she said, and underneath the pain, there was her usual self.

"Damn straight we are," said James, leaning over the crate to fire at a few troopers getting too close for comfort. One was coming up on his left but the guy was suddenly staggered by a shot. There was Shepard, practically draped over the fucking crate, gun in hand, blood all down her front, shooting bad guys like it was no big deal. She met his gaze as if demanding him to make comment, which he did.

"Are you trying to fucking kill yourself?" he snapped.

"We have to get everyone out of here," she said.

"Yeah, and we will, but you making your wound worse isn't going to help!"

"What's going on over there?" demanded Alenko over the comm.

"Shepard's being more batshit crazy than usual," grumped James.

"You're damn right I am," said Shepard fiercely. She shot a few more troops, never managing to get the killing shot, but that was why James fired in spurts after her. "I'm not letting these Cerberus fuckers get anyone else."

Aha. He should've known. He remembered that Akuze was used in training scenarios in C-Sec and Alliance training programs now. While he'd missed that particular lesson by a few years, he'd gone over the details again after Toombs had visited Shepard. It sounded like a fucking horror show.

"Is this about the Cerberus scientists or the 26th?" demanded James. "Because I don't think your old squad would want you to go out in a blaze of glory against Cerberus."

"Fuck off, Lieutenant," snarled Shepard in a way that made him sure he'd hit a nerve.

He was about to bite off some sort of response when an Atlas dropped out of the sky. He hit pavement, pulling Shepard with him whether she wanted to come or not. She didn't. She crawled forward, leaving a trail of red behind her, hitting James' hand with the butt of her pistol when he tried to hold onto her. She twisted and sent a plasma flare at the thing, which did precisely nothing since the damn thing's shields were still up.

"Major, can you do something about those shields before Shepard gets herself killed?"

"Roger that."

The Atlas sparked with electricity. James threw his last grenade at the thing, and Shepard fired off another plasma flare, setting the thing alight. The thing must've had something wrong with it, some sort of fuel leakage from the grenade, because the thing lit up like a cheap Vegas show. James spied a shuttle stop a few meters from where they were, and the door slid open to reveal Taylor and Dr. Cole.

"I'm getting you out of here, Shepard," said James, bending down and picking her up bridal style. She looked like she was about to argue, but her face had gone a nasty grey colour and her head flopped against his shoulder in a way that made his muscles clench. "Not really how I pictured getting you in my arms, Lola."

"Me neither," she whispered, and if they hadn't been on the middle of a battlefield with Cerberus rapidly approaching from behind, he might've done a double take. Had she seriously just said what he thought she said?

Well, it didn't fucking matter right now. That was a thought for another time. Right now, he started to run across the open space between the Cerberus troops and the shuttle, with the doctor waving him in like he was a plane instead of a person. How the hell was that supposed to help? But he made it, with or without the dramatic encouragement. He laid Shepard down on the ground, but her eyes were unfocused. He prepped another medigel, and put it in place, but all that did was allow Shepard to lose consciousness.

"Jesus," said Alenko, dropping down next to Shepard. "I know first aid. We should get her out of her armour so that I can take a look."

Normally, James would be all against Alenko getting Shepard naked, but he was willing to make an exception in this case. They set to taking off the various components to her armour, both of them getting covered in blood – or, more blood, as was the case with James. Thankfully, it seemed to be slowing. Alenko was applying pressure to the wound or something while James sat back like a fool and did nothing, because he was no doctor and the Major probably had more expertise in this particular area than him.

Unless…

He looked to Dr. Cole. "Can't you do something to help? You're a doctor, right?"

She stared back at him with wide eyes, and it took her a few efforts to say, "I studied theoretical physics, not medicine."

Which sounded like a fucking stupid choice to James right about now. He was about to open his mouth to say so when Alenko cut in, his voice soft, "I'm not going to be able to keep pressure on her wound and carry her at the same time."

A look passed between them then, and James knew that the Major was making some sort of play for truce or something. And in any other situation, maybe James might've been a bigger bastard, but this was Shepard and there was so much fucking blood and so he just said, "I got her."

Did he imagine the Major's mouth tightening slightly? James couldn't be sure, but the shuttle pulled into the cargo bay of Normandy just then. He bundled Shepard delicately into his arms, keeping her wound available for the Major's hands. It was like the most gruesome of relay races, with some of the engineers stopping what they were doing to stare at him and the Major as they made their way to the elevator.

Stitches was waiting for them, latex gloves on and her face looking unusually dire. She gestured to one of the beds, and James laid Shepard down as gently as possible before moving back. Stitches filled the space he just vacated, and the Major stood there, rattling off things like life signs and medical jargon that meant absolutely nothing to James except that it wasn't fucking good news.

Stitches glanced up, her eyes skittering over his face, and said, "Thank you, James."

He knew a dismissal when he heard one, but that didn't mean it didn't sting. Shepard's head was drooped to one side, and he couldn't see her chest moving with breaths and there was too much blood and… He turned and walked out of the medbay, because as crazy as he was going to be away from Shepard, he just couldn't see her like this. Even on Earth, there had always been such vitality to her, such life, and now she was…

She was going to be fine, that's what.

He washed his hands in the bathroom sink, and tried not to pay attention to how much red was swirling down the toilet. Then he laid his hands on the counter and took a deep breath. He startled slightly when the door hissed open, and glanced over to see the Major there, looking older than a man his age had any right to look. Alenko threw James a tight look and wandered over to wash his hands too.

"Chawkas thinks she's going to be fine," said Alenko. "She's lost a lot of blood, but nothing vital was hit. Shepard will be out of the game for a few days, but then she'll be back to normal."

James nodded. "Good to hear."

Alenko nodded too, then dried his hands. There was this pause that was full of… something. James wasn't sure what. Then Alenko straightened himself up and said, "Hell of a day. I could use a drink."

Despite himself, James couldn't help the small quirk of his mouth. "Amen to that."

"Want to join me for a few shots in the lounge?" asked Alenko, before looking down at himself. "After we get ourselves out of this armour?"

"Yeah," said James, because he really needed one, no matter who the company happened to be. "Sure."

Which was how he ended up downing shots with Alenko a few hours later, the two of them side by side on the stools like they were old compadres instead of potential rivals. And you know what? It wasn't that bad. Turns out the Major, while not really James' usual sort, was pretty okay. But that didn't mean he liked the guy.

Alenko tipped his shot glass slightly, the smile easing off his face. "You know," he said, "I might only be admitting this because I've had a few, but there was a time when I was absolutely sure I was in love with Shepard."

James' glass paused halfway to his mouth, and he had to make a real effort to say, "That so?" He downed his shot. "What's changed?"

What James was expecting here was some bullshit about Shepard working with Cerberus, or Shepard not being the goody two-shoes hero that Alenko expected. Instead, the guy frowned and reached for the whiskey, pouring himself another drink. "I did, I think. I mean, seeing her alive after the Normandy crashed… Hell, that was both the best and worst day of my life. No, scratch that. The worst day was the coup." He looked to James as if waiting for an answer, but James just raised his eyebrows. "That was the day I realized that Shepard wasn't the woman I thought she was – she was better."

James couldn't help but snort, prompting Alenko's brows to lower over his eyes. "Yeah man, she is," he said, downing his own shot. "Might've figured that out sooner if you'd swung by to see her once or twice."

The other man flinched and stared down at his drink, all lines sinking to the middle of his face. "She was with Cerberus. What was I supposed to think?" The words sounded rehearsed.

"And you didn't think to talk to her?" Now James was getting angry. Here was this asshole, and he was pouring out his guts about loving Shepard or whatever, and he still wasn't admitting that he was wrong. Wasn't admitting – not straight out, at least – that he'd made a mistake. He was just sitting there, spewing out the same goddamned lines he'd been saying since… James didn't even know when. "Not even after she came back from a supposedly suicidal mission? Not after she destroyed the motherfucking Collectors?" He couldn't stop his voice from picking up decibels on its swift jaunt towards indignation.

Alenko's hand gripped his glass. "I thought about it. Every day. But I just… I loved her, and she died, and when she came back, she was working with the people that she hated most. The Shepard I knew wouldn't have even considered it."

"Guess you don't know her as well as you thought," said James, and he couldn't even look the Major in the face.

"Not like you do, you mean," said Alenko, and the whole room stilled.

James tried to break the tension. "I wouldn't say that."

"She comes to you when she needs to be comforted. She's never… That wasn't how it was, with us," said Alenko. He hesitated. "I'm glad she has you, at least." The guy downed his shot, then poured himself another, and downed that too.

"I don't know what you mean," said James, fidgeting on his stool. This was getting way too personal too quickly, and he didn't want any part of it, especially when he had no fucking answers himself.

Me neither, she'd said on the battlefield.

James wondered what the fuck that was supposed to mean.

Next Chapter: James has to choose between his loyalty to Shepard and her own well-being when she asks him a dangerous favour.